S2 Ep 9 The Heartline: "Should I Say I Do to a Registry?"

Gather around for another episode of The Heart Line. That's right, we opened our advice mailbox twice this season for our listeners. In this episode, we talk about going solo to a wedding, whether you need to ask your parents' permission to get engaged, and if registering for gifts is out-of-date or still a must-have for your wedding.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

All right, you lovely hearts out there. Gather around for another edition of the Heartline. That's right, this season it has been so special to hear from all of you in response to our lovely theme of wedding, that I decided to open up the Heartline one more time. I'm your host, Nick Lockhart. And you're listening to The Love Department, the heartwarming podcast exploring the nature of love and relationships. Weddings are such a unique season of our lives. And as I've been going through the process of planning my own nuptials, I've learned so much about myself. And also I've learned a lot from other people. But I realize the thing about weddings is also the thing about marriages or relationships for that matter, which is that it is so unique and individual to each person. And so I hope that by sharing some of these anecdotes from our heartline that you can find some comfort and also some encouragement. Because this really is the best season of your life. One of them, anyways. This first listener writes in to us via email and asks, Hi Nick, what's your take on wedding registries? They seem a little outdated to me, but my fiance comes from a big family and swears they won't take no for an answer. They can't help themselves when it comes to being generous. I suppose I'm just feeling like I might be putting my friends and family in a tough spot where they feel like they have to give us a bunch of stuff we won't actually use or need. Any thoughts on if we should create a registry or not? Well, there's certainly no harm in creating one. Right? It sounds to me as though you're having a hard time reconciling asking for help or gifts. And that's okay. It's normal, certainly in some cultures, to not expect gifts. I know in Asian cultures, for instance, you usually don't give objects. It's usually money. And so I think that considering if there is an element of your upbringing that causes you to pause when it comes to receiving tokens of affection or love, which is really what a registry is. I know it's sometimes hard to justify something that's a high cost item like a new blender or a mattress. But what I think has been really unique to see when it comes to registries and people perhaps doing them non-traditionally, is to include something like a honeymoon fun. You know, if you're planning to go on a nice trip together after the wedding, sometimes creating just sort of a bucket account. That way people have a sliding scale upon which they can give at a level that they're comfortable. It can be a nice way to mend the gap between having people show their love and support to you monetarily or through gifts, while also not making people feel excluded by something like a silver gravy spoon. You know, registries were created because there were a lot of things that couples needed when they started their families. They often were moving in together for the first time, or they simply didn't have a lot of the objects that they would need to entertain, to live comfortably. So I see what you're saying when you think it's a little bit outdated. Another way to think about receiving a gift from your loved ones on your wedding day would be potentially an investment in your future. And again, this would probably look like something monetarily. Um, but I've seen couples do a future home fund, a nursery fund, I've even seen a doghouse fund. And you know, that allows you to use the money in a way that you see fit without having to sort of allocate it to these objects, which it sounds like you don't necessarily need or you fear you might not use them. But and absolutely write on the invitations or on the registry website itself to say that gifts are not required. That'll take the pressure off of any of your guests from feeling obligated to purchase something or to give you something. Let them know that their presence on your wedding day is the real present. I know that was cheesy, but just go with me here. I think that'll help you and your fiance feel like both families get a chance to participate on a level that's appropriate for them. I hope that helps. Have a wonderful wedding.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Um, last year I decided to attend a childhood friend's wedding, even though we really hadn't stayed in touch. And when I got there, I felt so awkward because I basically didn't know anyone there except for the bride, who was obviously busy and looked flawless. But I looked over to the bar and saw a ridiculously handsome man serving drinks, bartending, if you will, and after a couple of drinks myself, I found myself getting pretty flirty with the gorgeous bartender, aforementioned bartender, and he seemed to be into it, probably. But I totally sucked myself out of asking for his number, like telling myself he's at work, he's just humoring you, he has no choice, he does this to everybody, blah blah blah blah blah. Anyways, after I left the wedding, I felt just a smidge of regret, but also, you know, figured that maybe it wasn't meant to be written in the stars, all of that. No lie, like three days later, I'm up on Tinder and I come across his profile. So swipe right and we matched! Like, I guess somehow the universe decided there was a little more to the story, and I am so glad.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

How awesome. You know, this is not the first time that I've heard of the internet gods helping out a lonely soldier in the battlefield of love. So, congratulations. I am so glad that you went to this wedding, even though you really didn't know anyone. You know, one, because you showed up to support your friend, the bride. And it sounds like you were rewarded because, two, you put yourself out there. For any of our single listeners to the love department, and yes, I know you're listening, you hopeless romantics. This is a really great example of how sometimes fate steps in when you open the door to opportunity. An invitation to a wedding where you don't know anyone or possibly could stand to be on the dance floor all alone actually could lead to you meeting someone at the bar, or the bartender in this case. Um, weddings are a really fantastic way to meet new people. I've made business connections at weddings, I've reconnected with old friends. And honestly, I think there's something about just being in the presence of love that can really fill your cup and create a new story for your heart to be inspired by. Spending a whole afternoon or day surrounded by love could really lead to, if you're lucky, maybe a little love magic will happen for you as well. It's not uncommon. In fact, I've had many clients who've gone out to weddings to support a friend or a family member and ended up meeting someone special themselves. So I'm just saying, you never know. Don't feel bad if you don't have a plus one for this wedding. You might meet someone who could be your plus one to the next. Thank you so much for calling the heartline, and I wish you love. So I'm going into this one a little bit blind, but I thought it would be a helpful one to share with you. And thank you to the listener for sending it in. The original post says, My boyfriend, male 25, won't ask for my hand, and my dad is staging a family boycott for the wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish? Hmm. I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We've both just finished school and we are finally ready for marriage. He proposed last week, and I happily said yes. I could not be happier. I love him and he's going to be an awesome dad someday. But my boyfriend is very new school and my dad is kind of old school. My dad was beyond mad that my boyfriend did not ask my dad for my hand in marriage before proposing. My dad said he was willing to hear my boyfriend's apology if my boyfriend formally asked for my hand at dinner. My dad said that he would pay for the restaurant of my boyfriend's choosing. My dad feels like he's being very accommodating, and he will even buy my boyfriend's favorite wine to celebrate. I spoke to my boyfriend about it last night, and he won't consider the meeting with my dad and doesn't feel it necessary to ask his permission to get married. Whoever wrote this post on Reddit, I can hear in their voice that they're feeling a bit torn, you know, between the man that has loved you your whole life and the man that will love you for the rest of it. I want to shout out my dad because I think he is someone who handled this situation incredibly well. I live far away from my family. And to me, it just never really seemed possible that my father, who's sounds a lot like the dad in this scenario, is very traditional and has always been there as a constant support in my life. But it didn't really seem possible to me that he would have the time to get to know whoever I was dating because we just geographically live so far away. And I always feared that if he didn't have a chance to get to know him, to really build that relationship with him and that trust, that it would make it hard for him to give his permission or his blessing for me to marry that person. And to be honest, I was a little bit afraid that he would say no, you know, that these happy feelings of getting engaged and finding the love of my life would come crashing down because of someone else's idea about of how it's supposed to go, even if I didn't truly need that myself. And I was having a conversation with my mom, and I asked her instead, because sometimes I find her answers a little bit easier to swallow. And her response was, Well, your dad's standing right here, so why don't you just ask him? And we're on the phone, and I was so nervous. But I said, Well, Dad, is it important to you that whoever I marry ask you for my hand? And he shocked me. He said, You know, your mother and I raised you and your sister to be intelligent, independent women. And there are some traditions, Nick, I really just don't know what they're for. So, no, I think who you marry is your decision. And oh, what can I tell you the relief that I felt on that other end of the phone? And I also felt a lot of love and respect for my choices and the decisions that I had made my whole life long. And I want to encourage you with that same token of affection. Who you marry is your decision. And I can tell you're so excited and so in love, and that's amazing. Now, you can bridge the gap and perhaps go to this dinner with your boyfriend and your dad and break tradition in some ways and ask together. That can be a really successful way to take the pressure off of your boyfriend from feeling like it's a formal proposition. Or you can have a conversation with your dad and share with him exactly how you feel. And ultimately, it really is your choice and how you feel and how you want to set the tone for the rest of your life. You know, I hope your boyfriend isn't too offended by your father's initial reaction. Because it would be great for them to build a relationship of their own, one which they could come to each other and have these sort of heartfelt conversations, but it sounds like they're just not there yet. And as for your father staging a boycott with the rest of the family, well, this much I'll say. Your wedding is about you. And if I've learned one thing this season, you deserve to have your special day. Find a way to make this day about you and your fiance. Because that's who it's about. Not about your dad, although I'm sure you would love for him to be involved. But I'd hate to hear that you either of you let something like this come between your happiness and your love and respect for each other. Well, that's all for now, and I want to thank everybody who wrote in today or sent us a voicemail on the heartline. There's a lot of wisdom in this season, and I hope that you'll take a chance to listen to the episodes with the couples and with the other interviews on the Love Department season, too. In some ways, I feel like we're barely scratching the surface, so who knows? I think we'll continue some of the marital conversations in episodes to come. I want to dive into all types of commitments, not just the ones that are traditional or familiar to some of us. So if you've got a story that you think we should hear, reach out to us at love-department.com. We're always here to listen, to share, and to learn from each other. I'm your host, Nick Lockhart. And thank you again for listening to the Love Department. At the end of every episode, we take a hand to heart for a forekound. I wish you love.