S2 Ep 6 Heartline: "What Do We Watch on TV?"

On this episode we open up the inbox on our HeartLine to share with you. Hear from The Love Department listeners who discuss “What if I don't want this person at our Wedding?” “Changing our Lastname” and “Group Projects in College” “TV Shows for Couples to watch Together” and “Dating with Patience” 

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:01

Welcome to the Love Department's The Heartline. Our podcast is supported by listeners like you, and this segment is our way to give you a voice to connect with me and other listeners about how it's going in your love life. I'm your host, Nick Lockhart, and it is my pleasure to be with you here today. You know, I really love the Heartline for a number of reasons. I enjoy connecting with our audience and the things that matter to you. Every interview really helps me personally get closer to the heart of what I think love is and what it does for us as human beings. And the heartline is just that way for us to tap in together, to go deeper and to take the things that we're learning and to contribute to that collective idea of how to love each other. This season we've talked a lot about weddings, and weddings have a way of bringing out a lot in our relationships with our partners, with our parents, with friends. It's like in choosing to have a ceremony or an event and make this big commitment, it asks you to really make some new choices to be more compassionate, collaborative, dare I say, to compromise. Everybody has a different idea of what a wedding could look like, should look like. And one thing that I've learned this season was that not everyone's gonna get your vision, you know, and it's really up to you to create the day that you want, to stay true to what this event is all about for you and yourselves. It's not always easy. You may doubt yourself if you're doing the right things, or you may disappoint some people, but it will be so worth it in the end. So, our first listener today wrote in that they're having a dilemma about their guest list. And their email says, Hi Nick, and congrats on your upcoming wedding. Thank you very much. I'm also getting married soon, and we're going to have a small ceremony with about 50 guests next year. Oh, congratulations to you. My issue is there's one person who I'm on the fence about inviting. My partner has a friend who has always rubbed me the wrong way. And while they've not done anything truly terrible to make me feel this way about them, I can't shake the feeling that I don't want to use one of our limited invites on them. When I talk to my fiance about it, he doesn't really think it'll be a problem, but also doesn't want his friend to feel like they're being excluded. So any advice you have on how to deal with this would be really helpful. Thanks so much. Well, we're just starting me off with a tricky one, huh? It's natural to feel conflicted about this. You know, on one hand, it sounds like your fiance has a close relationship or friendship with this person, and they would prefer to have them be a part of your special day. But you also have your own feelings and instincts about having this person there. And maybe it might sour you on what's supposed to be a really happy occasion that's really about the two of you. And the good news is, as you said, that there's nothing really personal that has transpired that makes you feel this way about the person. So my first thought is maybe you don't want to create that by excluding them. I know it's a small wedding ceremony, but I think every wedding always has that table of people where they're sort of, let's just say, guests someone else wanted to invite, whether they're your parents' co-workers, they're people who invited you to their wedding, that you feel obligated to give them an invitation to yours. I think the guest list is something where you can really choose to be exclusive. Remember, this day is not for anyone else. And so while you don't want to create any animosity between a person or a friend that is expecting an invitation, you also don't have to extend an invite to everyone and anyone. Your dog walker, as nice as they are, don't need to be there for your big day. Um, there's also a really helpful idea that you can carry into the wedding planning, but also into your marriage, which is that some things require two yeses. There are going to be other decisions that you'll have to make as a couple where one of you might vote, yes, I do like this wallpaper. But the other one says, No, I don't like this wallpaper. And the reasons don't have to be grand, but if it's a yes and a no, then the answer is no. And if both of you say yes, then the answer is yes. And I think the decision about who to invite to your wedding is a bit like this. You know, if you really think that you can't get through the day with this person sitting even at the extras table, then you need to let your partner know that it's a no. And hopefully they can understand that one no vote means it's a no-go. And if your partner feels up to it, they can have a conversation with that person directly, especially if there is some sort of animosity for not um extending the invite. Um, but you're making decisions as a unit now. And this is one of those times where both voices deserve to be heard. I wish you so much love and happiness on your wedding day, surrounded by those that love and matter to the both of you.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

I'm getting married later this year to a guy who has the exact same last name as me. It's Williams, so one of the most popular last names in the US. We are not related. I love that I don't have to fill out any paperwork to change my name. Although we have joked that we could hyphenate our names and be the Williams Williamses. If we had a son, we could name him William Williams Williams. If we had a daughter, we could name her Wilhelmina Williams Williams. Okay, I'll stop now.

SPEAKER_04 7:12

Oh, this is really, really good. I know there are so many couples where they have a discussion about what their last name is going to be, if you know one of them is going to be taking the other person's last name. In one instance, I had a couple who both of them independently did not like their last name. So at their wedding, they actually had people submit some options and then take a vote as to what their last names would be. I'm not gonna say what they chose because it was pretty original, but it's just such a really uh amazing thing when you get married, it's that you're joining lives and in some cases exchanging names to create this new family. Um, I think the idea to hyphenate the two of them is actually pretty cool. I wouldn't go so far as to extend it to first names for kids, but you know, you can always call the kid Bill or Billy. I don't know. Maybe in an I think you could start a really fun Instagram account or TikTok account together. It's a great brand all on its own. Almost sounds like you could be a Fortune 500 company or a law firm. I'm curious if you met on the internet because with dating apps and such, they only show you their first names so that you can't Google or, you know, preemptively research the person before the date. But it does sound like a very cool story uh that the two of you will get to just laugh about for the rest of your lives together. But how great is it that you don't have to change your name? I mean, really. There are so many places and pieces of paperwork required to legally change a name, at least in the United States. So good on you for skipping all of that. I know in our episode with the bride lawyers, they went into some detail about making sure that you go to the Social Security office and getting your passport, driver's license, and things like that, making sure they're all changed over to your new name. So if you are someone who's getting married or divorced or just considering changing your name, I highly recommend listening to our episode with the bride lawyers. They have a great story about how all of that can sometimes go awry. So I'll make sure to link it in our show notes. I can already tell that you guys have a lot of fun together, and that is the key to any lasting relationship. So keep laughing, keep making each other laugh, as long as you don't find out that you're related in some strange way. Best of luck to you on your wedding day.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

This message is dedicated to Maria in honor of the anniversary of our first date 10 years ago. We met when we both took an art history class our senior year at college. The professor randomly assigned teams of five students to work on a group project together, but it was due right before a big campus-wide party, so the other three members of the so-called team totally bailed on us. We worked all night on the presentation, and I can truly say it was the greatest all-nighter of all time. It all culminated in a kiss at sunrise. Here's to many, many more years together, Maria.

SPEAKER_04 10:42

Congratulations to you on 10. It sounds like beautiful years together. Maria sounds really special. And boy, have we all had our issues and times in group projects while in school. And that in working and powering through together, you guys formed a connection. And I think that's really special. Thank you for sharing that with us today. You know, and thinking about my own marriage and what I've learned from some of the couples on this season and in the past. Partnership is a lot like a group project. It really requires two people coming together to create one big project. Your marriage is a project. It's going to require work. It's going to require some research, some compromise. You know, all these things we're not really foreign to. It sounds like, especially if you've been in partnership for a long time, like the two of you have. And over time, you really create something with someone, a life together that honestly looks nothing like what your life would have looked like had you been alone. Even if you live a single life, your life is a project. You know, there are things that you can add to it and or subtract from it to make it better to improve upon what's already there. Um I really like this idea. I might sit with it uh for some journaling later. You know, if my life were a project, what would the key points be? What are the themes? What have I learned? What can I share with others? Anyway, thanks so much for leaving us a voicemail on the Heartline. And shout out to you, Maria, for picking up everyone else's Slack, staying invested during the all-nighter, and it sounds like for the last 10 years as well.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

My partner is so sweet, and we have a lot in common, but she has a go-to comfort show that I'm just sick of. And it was fine for a while, but after the fifth or sixth rewatch, can't take it anymore. Seriously. I mean, I love Schmidt, he's hilarious and a goober, but yeah, again, like you can only watch only with so many episodes of that. I mean, to be fair, I haven't told her any of this since I don't want to ruin her favorite show, but I mean, we can throw on something else, right? Like, I mean, maybe not friends. I'm not a big friends person, but New Girls.

unknown 14:04

Come on.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Yeah, anyway, I I just need something else, you know.

SPEAKER_04 14:08

You know, this makes me think about the episode this season with Tracy and Eddie. New girl is also one of her favorite shows, and it kind of mimics how they met. But I think the TV is like the third person in the relationship. There are gonna be some shows that I'm sure you love to watch on your own and that she loves to watch on her own. And then there are the shows that you watch together. Now, the cardinal sin is if you watch one of those shows that you watch together without the other person, without the other person present. But in this case, it sounds like you've watched this same show so many times. And to be honest, it's natural to be sick of it. What I would suggest to you is that maybe next time she opts to put on an episode of New Girl, you can give her a physical cue and say, Hey, I'm gonna go watch something else in the other room. If she says, Okay, fine, then you know that maybe she doesn't need you to watch it with her anymore. But if she does want you to watch it with her, and maybe she pouts a little and you know, asks why you don't want to watch it, it could be an opportunity to explain to her that you don't enjoy re-watching something that you've seen a few times. It'll be an uncomfortable conversation, but I think it'll be an important one. And it doesn't mean that you never want to watch it again with her, right? You can reassure her that sometimes, yeah, you'll stick around and watch an episode or two, especially if you haven't seen it in a while, kind of makes you miss it, right? The point is, is you don't have to watch everything together. It's important to have your own shows in your own interest. And it's also important to try new things in the relationship. So I'm gonna give you a couple of shows that we personally watch and enjoy. I think they're great for couples. One of those is the show Shrinking. It is on Apple TV, and it's a hilarious, feel-good comedy, nice short episodes, too, so you don't feel like you're you know looped into a series that's uh really intense and demands that you watch every following episode, especially if you enjoy a well-rounded comedy like New Girl. I think shrinking's gonna be an excellent show for you. Another show that's really great if you enjoy some sci-fi and adventure is Fallout. Um, it's based off of video game, which um The Last of Us was a great show on HBO. We're eagerly awaiting for the second season of that. But Fallout is also in that sort of light-hearted vein. Um, you know, as light-hearted as you can make the end of the world. But uh, that could be one that might surprise her. She could enjoy. I would also suggest to you a show called The Night Manager. It's a really cool thriller crime show with brilliant acting. And it's also a limited series, so there's no risk of getting sucked into it forever and ever. So I hope that some of those give you guys a new place to take your television adventures. And also, if there are any series or shows that you've always wanted to share with her, ones that maybe you could re-watch a million times, try throwing it on. She might actually like The Wire or get really into storage wars. I don't know, spitballing here what your favorite shows might be, but you know what they are. So I think exposing her to some other options that you enjoy is a great way to invite her kind of onto your side of the couch and something else that you guys could enjoy together. So I hope that suggestion helps. Good luck, and I wish you love. All right, this last one today comes from someone who signed their voicemail, wait for me. Um, that's very sweet. And it's a shout out to her wonderful husband, Adam.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

This is a shout-out to my wonderful husband, Adam. He was so patient with me when we first met. We met at an event at church not long after college when he had just moved back to Charlotte from Greensboro. And when we first met, I said, okay, he's cute, he's funny, you know, I like this guy. And his thoughts were, wow, I want to marry her. So I was not quite there yet with him, but he was super patient and was, you know, a great friend to me for about a year, a little over a year. And um finally I realized that I really did like him and wanted to be more than just friends. And um his patience and persistence paid off. We were engaged about seven and a half months after we started dating, and we got married in December of 2016, and we just celebrated seven years this past December. Um, so I'm just so grateful for him, and he is definitely he is my rock. So I hope you enjoyed our little story.

SPEAKER_04 20:04

Uh, what a sweet story. I love, I love when relationships take a little bit of time to develop, you know, in those year and a half that you guys were together. It sounds like you really developed a strong friendship, a good understanding about each other. And it was more than just him being cute and funny. You know, anybody can be those things, but it sounds like he was also really patient, really understanding and persistent and really sure. I think it's so rare that nowadays you meet someone that is sure about you and what they want in pursuing a relationship with you that has got to feel really good. And kudos to you for taking time to develop that sort of relationship with each other, to give yourself time to figure out if it was what you really wanted, not just because he was sure, but because you also wanted to be sure and deserved to be sure. You know, kind of like in the show New Girl or a lot of the rom-coms you see, it can be hard to make the jump, can be scary to make the jump from just friends to something more. But it sounds like you were on the upside of that coin and found someone who not only truly treasured you as a friend, but now has treasured you as their spouse, and that you get to feel and do the same. So keep rocking. Thank you so much for sharing this with the love department today. I hope that you guys get many more years of love together. It sounds like that's exactly where you're headed. Well, that's it. That's all that we will share today. From the Heartline. If you would love to reach out to us, head on over to our website, love-department.com, and you can send us an email, or you can leave a voicemail on the Heartline, and who knows, maybe we will play it on our next edition. Thank you again to everyone who shared today. This is truly one of my favorite segments on the Love Department to produce, and I appreciate your vulnerability and your openness to share what you are learning about love. If you are someone who is interested in having one-on-one coaching with me, there are still some slots open for this year. Once we hit capacity, these doors will close. But you can find out more on our website at love-department.com backslash coaching. And I would really love to connect with you. The benefits of having someone in your corner as you're navigating your relationships, your love life, your friendships, it really truly cannot go undervalued. So if you're interested, go to the links in our show notes, and there's a little promo code for you there that you can use for a discount on your first services. The Love Department is produced in Brooklyn, New York. I'm your host, Nick Lockhart. At the end of every episode, we take a hand to heart for a fore count. I wish you love.