S2 Ep 2 "Eloping and Lifetime of Adventure" Paloma & Derron

Paloma and Derron may have met at a fraternity party as undergraduate students, but their paths didn't merge until they moved to the same city. After a quick first date turned into a long goodbye, these two realized that love was worth making the effort for. In this episode, we talk about planning the perfect proposal (which was nearly a big fail), the importance of great wedding photography, how to keep your parents' opinions out of your wedding day, healthy models of Black love, and navigating long-distance relationships.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_07 0:00

I'll never forget, like, what was it? Like maybe two months after we got engaged. My mom came out of the World War with this list, her guest list of people like a mile long, and I'm going through the list. I'm like, mom, who all of these 175 people.

SPEAKER_04 0:15

175.

SPEAKER_07 0:17

It wasn't even my friends included or anybody else.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

I'm like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 0:24

This is what they mean when they say your mama.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Who is them? Exactly. It's them, don't you know?

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Welcome to the love department, the heartwarming and inspirational show exploring the nature of love and relationships. I'm your host, Nick Lockhart, and I am so happy to be back with you for season two. By now, I hope you've listened to my solo episode. There's a little life update. I'm getting married. When I created the love department, I wanted it to come from a place that was deeply personal, very close at my own heart. And so this season I thought, what better way to do that than to talk to some couples about getting married? And so today on the show, I have a really great pair for you. Paloma and Duran actually crossed paths at a frat party in college, but they reconnected after graduation with a direct message that led them to destiny. So, for all of you who love a good reconnection story, uh, this is definitely one that you want to stick around for. Some of their time together was also long distance. They got married in the midst of the pandemic. And let me tell you, it was a perfectly curated elopement. We'll hear from them about designing the ring with Paloma's mother, the proposal that almost went wrong, and the significance of modeling healthy relationships for younger generations. They truly embody what it means to bet on love. And did I mention that they are extremely photogenic? I want to shout out Luna Wedding Studios for taking our photos. If there's one thing this couple did right, is that they photographed their day. I don't care how big or small your wedding is, you should document it in all the ways that matter to you. Do it for the future, you who can look back and see how beautiful or handsome you were. You can look back with each other and see the moments we really live our lives to the fullest. Let's hear from Paloma and Duran about how they turned their elopement into a dream wedding.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

So interesting because it's almost like two parts, because we met at a frat party in undergrad, funny enough. Then it's like he was dating somebody else. We had no interest, I think, in each other. Kind of like we had a good time, we met, we talked, we had pictures.

SPEAKER_07 3:20

We clicked, we clicked, yeah. We had chemistry.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

Yeah, and so we kind of met, then we were friends on like social media after that, but really just went about our lives. I was working at Frenchwoods, which is this theater kind of camp situation in the middle of nowhere, New York. And so I was doing that for the summer, and right after the camp kind of ended, because I was assistant directing the children's theater, and after that ended, I was spending a week in New York just like hanging out and such like that, and you messaged me on Facebook, I believe. Yes. And you told me that you were moving to Georgia, and basically were like, Oh, I have an extra baseball ticket. Would you like to come to this baseball game with me? And I was just like, Oh, you know, rain check, I'm in New York for the next couple of weeks or something like that. So yeah, then we went out on October 6th of 2015 to a whiskey bar. Funny enough, I was not drinking at all during that time. But you agreed to show up to this date in a whiskey bar.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

I planned where we were going to the whiskey bar, and I had green tea the entire time.

SPEAKER_07 4:40

I thought it was like a mind trick. I'm like, she's trying to psych me out or something. Let me just go along with this.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

Like, I never thought about how odd that was until years later when you said something. I'm like, oh yeah, I did just have green tea at a whiskey bar that I invited you to. I was like, listen, I'm going out with this guy tonight before your birthday party. I'm basically gonna have it. If this date doesn't go well, I'm gonna tell him I gotta go to the party. And that's just what it is. And I'm like, if it does go well though, is it cool if he comes to the party? And she was like, Yeah, either way, girl, either way. And it did go well, and you came to the party.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Paloma mentioned she did something kind of funny that I've heard of other people do on their first dates, which is to have an exit plan. So the night she and Duran went out on their first date, she had a friend on standby, just in case the date went really poorly. But this is a good tip for when you're going out with someone new. Make sure there is at least someone who knows where you're going, who you're meeting, and luckily in Paloma's case, it worked out. It must have been that meeting at the frat party that you had some sort of inkling, like I should hit her up when I'm moving to Georgia.

SPEAKER_07 6:09

I feel like sort of like the stars had aligned with that. Um, I didn't really know anybody else in Georgia. She was one of the only people that I knew to live down there. And then I had recalled with vivid detail, actually, you know, the first time that we met, and not to sound like super cliche or anything like that, because I uh the love at first sight thing kind of sounds a little tired and worn out, but I do specifically recall feeling a certain kind of way, can vividly remember the first time we did meet, and that was something that kind of stuck out to me, you know. I don't know if you've met somebody and you're like, wow, I vividly remember everything about this encounter. Why? For what reason? Like there was nothing, it was, you know, it was seemingly like innocuous the first time that we met.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

You know, we were you know Well, we do have pictures from that. Yeah, okay, yeah. We have pictures. So many pictures from that.

SPEAKER_07 7:00

A lot of a lot of pictures. There was just something about that chance encounter that left me feeling like there was more to explore. Like there was something, I don't not like unfinished business, because that sounds like sounds a little too serious. It was just like there was a connection there that I really that I was really looking for. I felt like at that point in time when I went to Georgia, I was in the process of you know, burning bridges, creating a new, and kind of developing more of a sense of myself. This is the first time that I left North Carolina. It was the first time, you know, taking a job in a new place. It was at a really transitional part of my life, and I wanted something that felt right, something like a genuine connection that really was like a positive thing that made me like yearn for what could be, something that made me feel hopeful, I guess is maybe like the best way to put that. And there wasn't there wasn't really a lot of that, except I remembered, you know, the chance encounter that we had and met, and that was one of the things I was trying to like, I don't know, recreate, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

I think when you meet the person, there's always this fantasy version, right? Where it's like, oh, you know right away, and uh, you know, everything, like the whole world stops, and and in a way it does, right? It it slows down enough for you to be able to pick up the details that you should be paying attention to what is in front of you and what is happening. And I think I, for one, also know when I met my partner, like I can also remember everything that we talked about. I can remember the drinks we had, I remember what he was wearing, I remember where we sat, I remember like every moment of it. But I in the moment, I was just being myself. I was just kind of consciously present. And I think that's what is a beautiful foundation for friendships, for genuine connections, and even better if you can find that with a relationship. I think there's a lot of people who unfortunately they they think it has to be these like super sparks or it has to be this sweep you off your feet and like you know, leave you blind sort of thing, which happens to some people, sure. But how much better to have your feet firmly planted on the ground and to to consciously kind of go into creating something with someone.

SPEAKER_07 9:24

I think that's a that's a really beautiful way to put it. I I really agree with that because it was something as simple as me being with somebody or being the idea of being with somebody who just likes me for me, like known me for all of what five or six minutes, and I felt like you saw me for me, and it was vice versa. And that that was different, you know, that was something that's very memorable, and it can be something really that simple, you know. Maybe there were fireworks going on in the background, but that's what I remember the most was somebody saw me for me and valued me, and that we had a lot of similarities and commonalities. So yeah, to your point, is really the basis for any kind of relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Dating prior to kind of rekindling this romance with each other, what was that like?

SPEAKER_03 10:12

To be honest with you, most of the people that I had dated, I've always pretty much been a late bloomer. So I started dating, I feel like relatively late. You know, you hear a lot of horror stories about dating. I had like one guy who was just an absolute nightmare, but for the most part, people were pretty respectful. I think what was hard though is I just had never fallen in love uh at any point. And it's like, so I was hitting 25 when we started dating. I remember telling a friend of mine this, and I was like, yep, I've never been love, I've never felt that, I've never said that to anybody. And she was just like horrified for me, like, oh dear God, like what is going on? Are you a sociopath? And I'm like, maybe I cared about people, I enjoyed them, but I never was like, oh yeah, this person, I love you, I want a future with you, all that. It made me a little more terrified because I'm like, maybe I just don't have those feelings. Like maybe that's just not a part of who I am. So that was something I had kind of accepted by that time. I was like, okay, cool. Like that's just not gonna be a part of my story. Like, I'm sure I'll get married, I'll have some sort of companion, essentially. And it's like, we'll have kids, but I'll love my career more or something like that, but we'll have respect. See, I know this is horrible, like the life I was assigning myself to.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

No, I think it's actually probably more common than you think. And, you know, I'm thinking about other people who are probably gonna listen to this podcast and have be like, oh, finally, someone is feeling like a one-of-one and that there is no partner out there, or maybe if there is, it looks extremely different. And I think also as a woman, going back to what we said about how we're marketed to and how love is sort of sold this sort of fairy tale sweep you off your feet storyline. That's not always the case for everybody. But then it was the case. But it ended up being the case for you. But you know, like the how that can make you feel, you know, when every romantic movie is this sort of sugary version of it. And you're like, well, I haven't experienced that magic yet. Or maybe it is a kind of a one-off niche thing, and he lives in like Kathmandu, or I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 12:52

Well, I mean, but that's what was so interesting to me about falling in love because what I'm saying with these other men that made it fascinating and made this one all the more real to me is none of those other people that I dated. I went on very fantastic, good dates, and I still was not able to have that emotional tether to those individuals and all of that. It just wasn't like, oh, I want to be around you, I want to introduce you to my family. I will say that kind of goes back to your question of where I even was. And so when I fell in love with you, it was shocking too. I was like, oh, what is this? Like, this is strange.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Like, I did not know I was capable of such emotion. And draw, where were you like dating-wise?

SPEAKER_07 13:44

Had you been in relationships prior to yeah, I uh yeah, I've been in a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

You strike me as a romantic.

SPEAKER_07 13:54

Yeah, no, I I was, if if not hopelessly romantic. Uh it's it's kind of a little muddy there because I would admittedly refer to myself, especially back then as a fuckboy. Like, I I definitely had fuckboy tendencies, I know that. Like, that's I'm not gonna shy away from that. There were definitely some toxic traits in there, and I felt like sometimes when you're in that kind of headspace, you attract that, and then you go through the circus that that entails. Once, you know, I had gotten that out of my system, and a few bad breakups after that, very bad in some circumstances, and then some other follies. I was more in the space of looking for something that was real. I wanted to kind of, you know, let's try something different. Maybe I don't have a roster of women that I keep in the wings. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Maybe goodness! No roster!

SPEAKER_07 14:51

You know, maybe I do try this thing where I'm and it's really difficult to do that. To really, there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of risk involved with that. Like, all right, do you really want to put yourself out there? Do you really want to be vulnerable? Do you really want to open yourself up for this new experience and and go all in? Do you really want to go all in? Is this really gonna be worth it? And it was one of the very few times where I've actually, you know, I've actually done that. Like all cards on the table, completely upfront, completely honest, completely transparent about everything from start until currently. And I'd seen that not work out for a lot of men, and that, you know, ideally would give me that little bit of apprehension, like, well, I gotta play it safe, bro. I gotta have a backup plan, I gotta, I gotta do this, that, and the third. I mean, even at the time when we went on our first date, I was still like talking, dating somebody else at that time. And then after I think it was maybe our second the pride thing in Midtown.

SPEAKER_03 15:51

Second, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 15:52

Second date. After the second date, I'm driving home, which was two and a half hours, and I immediately call the girl in North Carolina that I had previously been dating, and I'm like, hey, we're done.

SPEAKER_04 16:07

I have gotten those calls.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

I have given those calls. It's so real because it's listen, like you were saying in the beginning, there was something about this connection that you knew you wanted to step up and and show up differently for. And that's no shade to the other relationship or whatever connection that you had. But it sounds to me like, and I and I think this is true of most fuckboys, part of it is like to protect yourself because you can't really get hurt if all your cars aren't on the table. But when you were ready to be vulnerable and put yourself out there and to have experience something genuine, which is the only way to do that, and it was there, you took that opportunity and said, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna show up and I'm gonna be as open as this requires me to be.

SPEAKER_07 16:58

In a heartbeat. And I feel like that's the the moment that I have I've been waiting for that. And I had doing that time and time again and having it blow up in your face. I totally understand men that are a little bit vulnerable, that may be apprehensive to that, but it's it's worth the risk. Even when it doesn't work out, it's still worth the risk because you can't even regret anything afterwards.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Hear me out here. What if fuckboys are actually the hopeless romantics of the modern world? The ones looking for connection through multiple encounters, only to be disappointed when they realize the fantasy of each of these partners is fleeting. It's as if dating is just a numbers game, and the faster you get through the rounds, the sooner you hit your number. You can have all the right ingredients, but if you cook it too fast, it might burn. It takes time to develop depth of flavor, just as it takes time to develop lasting partnership worth savoring. This is a moment in the podcast where I want to mention two offerings to you. If you have enjoyed our conversation about the single life and dating, then head over to our Patreon. I'll put the link in our show notes. We had a really fantastic conversation about how to approach dating in the modern world and how you can make genuine connections. I also want to offer you my services. That's right. If you have listened to my solo episode, which is the first episode of this season, you will hear that I am offering one-on-one coaching to help you win at love. So there is a link on our website at love-department.com backslash coaching, and there you can find out more information about how we can work together to get you on the route to finding love. So you're gonna want to act fast because space is limited. Take advantage of this, okay? A head to love-department.com and you'll find more information, and I will meet you there. Okay, now back to the episode.

SPEAKER_03 19:12

We were long distance kind of in the beginning. So we would see each other twice a month. We really discovered Airbnb. Because Airbnb was still relatively new.

SPEAKER_07 19:21

Yeah, it was pretty new. I think being having the distance between us forced us to be intentional about the time that we were gonna spend together. Yeah. Because I know both of us are pretty meticulous planners, you know. So we would design like whole weekends around certain activities, we and that would be such a thing to look forward to. I think it was a really good thing for us, especially in that stage of our relationship. I was in AmeriCorps uh Vista with Habitat for Humanity, so I was living on a very finite amount of monthly income. So we really had to like stretch things out and really had to rely on um that creativity, which was as a culmination of us talking so frequently, getting to know each other, getting to know, like, okay, what would genuinely put a smile on your face? What would be something fun and adventurous for us to do? So, I mean, we went hiking, we went to where did we do like for the little town that was there? There were so many different things that we could do um that just weren't your typical, like, you know, nice, nice dinner in a movie.

SPEAKER_03 20:30

We didn't go to a movie until like two to three years into our relationship.

SPEAKER_07 20:35

That's when we had like our cliche date.

SPEAKER_03 20:37

And we remember, I was like, have we ever been to a movie theater together? And you were like, No. I was like, oh, I guess we should we should do that.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

That will not make you fall in love with someone. That creativity. Like, I love what you said, Dee, about what can I do to put a smile on her face? Because I think that's something, I don't care what stage of the relationship that you're in, that is something that we should all be striving to do in our relationships. All right, you ready to talk proposal? Because I'm ready to talk proposal. We can talk proposal engagements. Let's go for it. When you knew you wanted to propose, I'm not sure who proposed to whom or how it happened. What were those kind of lead-up thoughts and discussions like for you guys?

SPEAKER_07 21:21

We don't really we don't really do things without us knowing stuff like that. You know, that'd be impossible to hide.

SPEAKER_06 21:28

Like, oh, went out and got this thousands of dollars of a ring, and I didn't even tell you.

SPEAKER_07 21:32

Like that's goofy. So I like months of research, like into what kind of ring. Obviously, the conversation in the um idea of marriage was something that came up maybe like a year into or a year and two. That's when we really started to see, like, all right, we're really clicking, really firing on all cylinders. I really think you know this yeah, we can go to distance, and we were on the same page about that. So we started to look at different kinds of rings, really. Kind of um, and again, us being the kind of research nerds that we are, we wanted to sort of dispel the notion about diamonds being forever. And we I know we did a pretty deep dive into the whole De Bureau's diamond things and how it's all marketing campaign, diamonds really aren't worth that much. They're not as valuable, not as excuse me, they're not as valuable as the yeah, yeah. We got very acquainted with jewelry and and knowing that, and also helped that your mother is a jewelry designer, so there's a lot of things really lined up well. So, right around the time that we you know we were thinking about that, I gleaned the idea of the shape of the ring that you wanted, worked with your mother to really kind of fine-tune a lot of the details.

SPEAKER_03 22:45

We picked out the gemstone together, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_07 22:47

We had to pick out the gemstone together.

SPEAKER_03 22:48

We went to like the little because my mom has access to like the wholesalers and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_07 22:54

Yeah, so we you know, we put it together, made the deposit for it. I know I I wanted to do the traditional thing because this is the one time I'm getting married. This is the one time that we're doing this and going on this journey. So I wanted to make sure I did it, you know, the traditional way. You know, I went, asked both your father, asked your mother, your stepfather, you know, asked everybody. Yeah. Like, I want to take your daughter's hand in marriage.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

Did that, popped the champagne, and did all that, got the ring, and then we had my mom gave him the ring like the night before we were going on our trip to Jamaica, which I did not know until later on.

SPEAKER_07 23:30

Yeah, I did not tell you that part because you would have been like freaking out about that. It was literally like I was packing, then I stopped and was like, I gotta run out and grab something.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Even though Duran was not nervous about the proposal, he still had to find the right moment, something memorable that would take his soon-to-be fiance by surprise. And this is probably a good time to talk about the how we get engaged. Here are some of my tips. Number one, make sure you do something your partner is going to enjoy and be comfortable with. An introvert probably isn't going to like it if you drop down on one knee in a restaurant or some other public space. Some people couldn't imagine it happening without their family and loved ones around. So do a little probing, maybe ask a trusted friend, and when in doubt, repeat step number one.

SPEAKER_03 24:29

You have to be somewhat surprised. Somewhat surprised. It was really funny though, because it's like I was still in grad school at the time and doing my final like thesis, also like trying to help like design this ring, go back and forth about that with my mom, which my mom is a beautiful artist, but as we know with artists, they are hard to ring with.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

And I'm sure she also has the same thing with you because you're her baby, and she wants to be perfect and great.

SPEAKER_03 25:05

But the funniest thing to me is my childhood best friend is Muslim, and there's a reason that comes up in this story. So their dating, as I'm sure you know, is very different than like American dating. And so her dad knew that Dee and I were like living together and all that. And he had opinions and thoughts, which is fine. I get that. Different cultures. He's like, so Paloma and her boyfriend are pick like designing the ring, and Rob was like, yes. And he's like, so they're engaged, and Rob was like, no, they're not engaged because he hasn't asked yet. And he was like, but no, like she knows about the ring. She knows that he's going to ask. So they're engaged. And Rob was like, no, it's just it's an American thing. Like, let them just be American about it as well.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

And I was like, that's kind of the amazing thing, too, about like this moment is it really can be when like traditions collide or don't collide. Do you mention asking for you know her father and stepfather's hand in marriage? That was something that like he chose not to do, my partner. And it was also something that I was very surprised at my father told me that he didn't require. Um, he was like, you know what? I raised you and your sister to be smart, independent women, like who you marry is your choice and your decision. And I don't really think that I have room to say in that. And then it gave me a lot of comfort because I knew I was going to be like a non-traditional bride and whatever way that appears. So it was that's a really big moment and big gesture to to go and ask. I'm sure they appreciated just the same.

SPEAKER_07 26:48

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was good. I just it it was always a huge point of emphasis to me because just the way that I was raised. I'm I'm from North Carolina. My parents are very, very country, both of them are. So it was a huge point. They both come from pretty big size families too. So they they more saw it as like, you know, you gotta you have to do it this way because you're just finding families, you have to respect, you gotta, you gotta come contrite, you gotta get that permission. So that was that was fine. I was less nervous about that than I was the actual proposal.

SPEAKER_01 27:29

So this is the moment. He's about to propose to the love of his life with a beautiful sapphire and rose gold ring. And listen, there's always something that doesn't go according to plan, right? But proposals have a way of working themselves out. And these two finally got their moment.

SPEAKER_07 27:49

So we're we're in Jamaica, right? And I've got the ring with me, and it's like burning a hole in my pocket. Because I'm like, I I want to do this in the way that I imagined that I wanted to do it. So when we were booking the trip to Jamaica, in particular, we're looking at the excursions, and there was this one excursion where reading the description of it, you're like, that's it. That's the one right there. You're telling me you're gonna take this beautiful like yacht cruise around the north coast. What was that the what is it, the eight mile, eight mile beach, or ten mile beach, yeah, whatever, on on the north coast of Jamaica, you know, out of Negrill and all that. Beautiful, breathtaking. You're gonna see dolphins, you're gonna go, wow, this sounds incredible. It sounds so romantic, a nice getaway, right? And then afterwards, you're talking about you're gonna go to this, you know, this quaint little intimate bistro on a cliff side that overlooks the water. And I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, oh, that's it, that's it. We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna join hands, we're gonna do the cliff dive together, I'm gonna pop back up, and I'm gonna be like, oh, look, when you dive with some some kind of corny cliche thing like that, are you ready to dive head first into this love? Or something I had it, I had it registered in my mind and everything, right? Like, this is gonna be this is gonna be it.

SPEAKER_04 29:03

This is the moment.

SPEAKER_07 29:04

This is the moment. So the excursion is on the last day that we're in Jamaica.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

Oh, so you got this ring the whole time.

SPEAKER_07 29:13

And then the whole time, I'm like, there are so many moments that like I was regretting. I was like, fuck, that would have been the perfect moment. Why not do it then? Why not do it then? And I had the ring on me, and I'm just like, oh man, you're just looking back and forth, and then the moment passed, you're like, you know what? No, no, it's fine. Wait till the last day, wait until the yacht cruise, it's gonna be perfect. So tell me why we go on the yacht cruise. It's the last day. It is not a romantic getaway, it is a party yacht. They are getting turns on this yacht the entire time. They made it seem like it was gonna be this nice little thing, like an intimate group of maybe like five or six people. There's like 20 people on this boat. We go down there. There's so many people, they are wilding out, you know, there's a drinking contest, they got jerk kicking everywhere. There was a t-shirt cut. There's a t-tell, I won. I won, so that was nice. And then I was gonna try to do it when we went on the snorkeling, but I was like, I don't, I don't want to risk it. I don't want to accidentally like take the ring and get butterfingers and drop it into the water. So I was gonna wait until we got to the cliffside beast drill, right? We get to this beast drill, and it looks like spring break on steroids.

SPEAKER_03 30:25

And you look terrified.

SPEAKER_07 30:28

I mean, it was others, like there's like kids in the pool, there's all this stuff is going on. It's rowdy, people got their shirts off, there's a live DJ. I'm like, none of this was in a description. This is not what y'all told us. There was a line for the clip jump that was like 45 minutes long, we're only gonna be there for like an hour to obviously.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

Before they put us back on the boat.

SPEAKER_07 30:46

Before they put us back on the boat, and I'm like, this is ridiculous. So I'm like having like a mini like panic attack, and I just shut down. Like, I was somewhere between like sulking and pouty and frustrated and angry, and then she's over here, she's just like, Alright, I don't know why he's tripping, and I'm trying to like be tightlifted, better not say anything.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

But your eyes are so big when you're upset.

SPEAKER_07 31:11

Clearly knows I'm upset, yeah. And she she realizes like, all right, well, what is it? And I'm just I just go with it because I'm like, yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah, it's a lot, I'm getting sensory overload. Maybe we should go somewhere quieter. And then you're like, you know what? Don't worry. I'm gonna I'm gonna find out how we get a taxi, I'll figure it out. And I'm so it was in one of those rare moments, because it's usually being mean, like you're usually the one who's a little less composed in situations like to get angry and nervous and anxious, and I'm the one who holds down the fort. So it was it was really awesome to see like that kind of flip, and you just kind of like give me that hug to kind of take care of it because I've never really, you know, that's not really like our our dynamic. So we get this little cab that takes us like a little ways up the beach, which I mean it's Jamaica, it's it's it's beautiful everywhere. It's really beautiful part of the coast. They drop us off, and you know, there's nice white sand, blue oceans everywhere, there's a little cafe. Yeah, so we get a we get a couple of drinks and we walk over, and I just asked this this random guy who like worked at the cafe as bartender, unbeknownst to me that this bartender was a professional photographer, no clue. So I asked him, I was like, hey man, I'm gonna I'm gonna propose to my I'm gonna propose my girlfriend over here. Do you mind like take some pictures? It's gonna be surprising, just gonna drop to one knee, just take my phone, snap some photos. He was like, Oh, I got two months. So then we went over here and I got on my knee, I proposed to you. Do you remember the exact thing they said? No, it was something about um adventure.

SPEAKER_02 32:42

Oh, lifetime of adventure. That's our third time of adventure.

SPEAKER_07 32:45

That's our theme. I said something to that effect, right?

SPEAKER_03 32:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

Yeah, I was too like, I don't think I could like hear everything was like echoey, like, oh, like yeah, that's the moment where things compress and expand at the same time. You're like, whoa.

SPEAKER_03 33:01

Yeah, so it's like, oh, that's why you look like a deer and headlights at the thing. Ow!

SPEAKER_07 33:09

So we proposed, and this lovely bartender, he got all the moments, I mean, all the angles. He took several pictures, he took a video somehow. I'm like, this dude is honest, so he took all that. I think he gave us a couple more free drinks or something like that, too. So that was lovely. It was just really wonderful. It was the best pictures that we have, and I would not change it at all for anything.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

That's good.

SPEAKER_07 33:33

So it was lovely. And then we hopped back in the cab, ring on our hand, no longer burning a hole in my pocket and freaking me out. Got back on the boat, and then yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

We'll be right back to the love department after a short break. So they were ready to plan a wedding, but it was 2020, and soon the pandemic shut down all hopes of a bigger celebration. And this was something that happened to couples all over the world who postponed their big plans and dreams and had smaller, more intimate ceremonies instead.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

So this is all one month of time. We started wedding planning, we started dress shopping, I was going to venues with my mom. Not really finding a venue that particularly in love with. Initially, we were going to have the wedding, obviously, in Atlanta. And January 1st, we found out that you had gotten the promotion to relocate to California. By February 1st, we had packed up our entire lives and we were still working full-time, and we then drove to California and moved to California by February 1st. I still needed to go back to Georgia because I was working at a boutique PR agency and I was also a teaching artist teaching acting to kids. So I needed to kind of close out and finish up those things and button them. I then drove across America again in April and officially had moved to California. We were in California, we're trying to figure out our lives, living here, being new, kind of going back and forth about like, okay, are we gonna try to plan this wedding on the East Coast because that's where everyone we know and love is? Are we gonna do something here now? We're going through crazy ideas, we're like, let's have it on a boat, like just stuff.

SPEAKER_07 35:43

The boat idea was feasible.

SPEAKER_03 35:45

It was feasible. It was like I knew that I was more interested in eloping always, like throughout my life, but I felt a lot of pressure in the beginning after we got engaged to have a bigger wedding, just because it's like I'm my mom's only girl and my family too. I was first granddaughter. I'm actually still only granddaughter, only niece, like, and it's just kind of like my family's not very my immediate family, if you don't call it all the blending, is pretty small, like the core of it. So I definitely felt the pressure from my family to have a bigger ceremony. I also felt the pressure of being an African American when only one out of four African-American women will ever get married. So I felt it was so weird. Like I felt like it was owed somehow that it's like I had to like be representation or something. Yes, that's what it was. Like, and it's like that just really it wasn't what Paloma wanted, but it's like I always talk about going through, I always feel like I have to go through what do I feel about this as an African-American? What do I feel about this as a woman? What do I feel about this as an artist? Then what do I feel about this as a Paloma? Like with all those pieces, and it's just kind of like I never really wanted to do a big wedding thing. It's funny because in the green wedding shoe interview, they asked me about looking for dresses, and I told them, I was like, I always thought wedding dresses were absolutely hideous. I thought everything about them was so ugly. I it's like when I went to all the bridal dress appointments, I was just excited to spend time with my grandma and like my mom and my aunts and such like that. But the actual dressing I told them every time, I was like, do not make me look like a loofah. Do not have me look like a glittery loofah. And I tried on 54 dresses. Did you?

SPEAKER_01 38:03

That's more than I tried on.

SPEAKER_03 38:05

54. It's like I just, it was just like one of those things. And I would try them on. And the thing is, it's like they look good. I just was like, meh. Meh. I was glad that I felt like the pandemic allowed me the freedom to get married in the way that I always had wanted to without hurting anybody's feelings in the process because I still hear from my family, they're like, so when are we gonna plan your ceremony? I'm like, yeah, soon. Soon, family. I know this is important. I figured out, I'm like, oh, your parents watching you grow up, they have a vision in their head of how they think this is going to go, and they have a dream and a fantasy. Exactly. They have a vision. Like my dad's vision was like, we're gonna have you on the stairwell of the four seasons in your dream. And I was like, What are you? I don't want to get married inside. Like, I think you had a harder time with it.

SPEAKER_07 39:08

I had a harder time at first because again, you know, I really, you know, I want to do the traditional thing. I I had this moment of like, yeah, this will be great. Like, I'll get to see like all my old homeboys who I never really get to see, who have up until that point had never even been to California. So I'm like, oh yeah, y'all come out here, kick it, you know, we'll have a good time, friends and family, and you know, then like you were saying earlier, how much our parents have their vision of the wedding and things like that. I'll never forget, like, what was it, like maybe two months after we got engaged, my mom came out of the will work with this list, her guest list of people like a mile long, and I'm going through the list. I'm like, mom, who all these people?

SPEAKER_06 39:49

175 people. 175. I don't even wasn't even my friends included or anybody.

SPEAKER_04 39:54

I think it's my family. I'm like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 39:59

This is what they mean when they say your mom and them.

SPEAKER_02 40:05

Who is them? Exactly. Don't you know?

SPEAKER_07 40:10

I want going through the list of all this, like the the polit the politics of it's like, oh well, see, because they invited us to this ceremony and this thing, so now we gotta invite them to your wedding. I'm like, I don't know who this is. I'm not paying for them to eat. I ain't never even seen these people before. What is this? So that's that was my kind of come to Jesus moment when I was just like, you know what, this wedding should just be about us. I'm not trying to be out here, like, I don't, what is this? I feel like once and once I like understood the vision of what you wanted to go for.

SPEAKER_03 40:44

Yeah, no one understood my vision, Nicole. No one understood what was my therapist, didn't understand it when I was talking. Minor details. It's like, no, no one understood it. I was like, yeah, my earrings, they're gonna be snakes, and I'm gonna have like this crown, and it's gonna be these flowers on the cliffside, and we're gonna do this, and we're gonna do this, and everyone was like, no one got it. No one understood, and they were just like, I'm telling you, that is the one thing that I have learned from getting married, from creating my own engagement ring, or like designing it. Everyone was like, no poema, a sapphire and rose gold won't go together. I'm like, yes, they will. It will, it'll work.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

I was on board. You were on board.

SPEAKER_03 41:22

Okay, let me go with this. I think a lot of times I include you with me in understanding things, like, which is very weird and hive mind. Like, I've made it an us. I think that it's just like, and I think that's so important when you're planning a wedding, or a lot of things in life. You have to be comfortable with sometimes people are not gonna understand the vision. They are not going to get it. They're going to go, like, okay, and all of that thing, especially if it's a little different. And you have to be confident in what you see and go forward with it. And I get it, it was still relatively new. I think we're starting to see a lot more luxury elopements, like luxury micro weddings. And I'm really happy for millennials that that trend has started.

SPEAKER_07 42:06

Like it makes sense for us too that it was Starflus, because that's it's it's it's practical. It's a much more practical, much more realistic thing that takes in consideration the very real financial constraints that a lot of us are faced with, you know, living through the entire economy collectives.

SPEAKER_01 42:23

Yeah, and not just the couple, like the family and stuff, you know, the friends that are the bridesmaids and all of these things. Like it's a call. It's a that's definitely a thing.

SPEAKER_07 42:33

And another like major contributing factor for me was we went through how many weddings do we go to?

SPEAKER_03 42:38

That was just about to talk about that. We went to 12 weddings.

SPEAKER_07 42:41

You want to know how many people actually said, Oh, yeah, I don't regret any of this. This is fantastic. I really enjoyed my wedding. How many people?

SPEAKER_03 42:48

That 11 out of the 12 all said that they had different regrets about it. No one said, Oh, everything went perfect without a hitch. And it was funny because even before we got married, people were like, oh, Paloma, just understand that something will go wrong on the day. Da da da. It's not the end of the world. And what was interesting, elopement-wise, nothing went wrong on her day.

SPEAKER_07 43:11

Nothing.

SPEAKER_03 43:12

Nothing went wrong.

SPEAKER_07 43:12

We wouldn't change a single thing for anything. Oh, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 43:16

It was no, yeah, it was fantastic, beautiful day.

SPEAKER_01 43:27

Even though they had planned to have a bigger ceremony, eloping started to make a lot more sense. And the photos went viral. In 2020, we saw the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement, and a lot of industries were taking a really hard look at themselves, including the wedding industry. Here are some statistics. The percentage of married black adults has been declining since the 1950s. And in 2021, just a year after the pandemic, it was reported that 34.4% Black men and 28.6% of black women were married. And in 2022, the wedding industry was valued at around $70.5 billion. So if you do the math, that is still a whopping $22.2 billion. This industry was not speaking to in its content. Paloma and Duran were part of the remedy to this problem in more ways than one.

SPEAKER_03 44:27

After we got married, our um photos kind of started circulating around the internet. They were on brides. Our photographer got it's like Green Shoe Wedding. Well, like our photographer was voted like number one photographer of the year and brides, and they used our pictures, and then we were in Green Shoe Wedding and all of those types of things, and just all these wedding accounts. So what happened during that time was a lot of photographers started reaching out to us online because they were like, hey, basically, I'm just being honest, you can't have Black Lives Matter in your bio and then have no black people in your portfolio. So they started reaching out to us and asking us if we would be a part of their content days to take pictures of us. And then yeah, they would pay for it, and we got a lot of great pictures from it.

SPEAKER_01 45:16

So they're so good.

SPEAKER_00 45:19

And do you have like a favorite of the ones that you've taken? Well, obviously, our real wedding. The one when you're actually getting married.

SPEAKER_03 45:30

It's like that's my favorite, guys. Like, because we actually got married that day. My favorite Joshua Tree. I love the ones that just. The first one we did. With the windmills. Yeah, with the windmills, where we had no idea what was even happening when these people asked us to be a part of their content day. So we showed up thinking it was gonna be like two photographers, because they're like, oh, and I was like, Cool, these two people have been talking to us. I'm like, no big deal. We arrive at the scene and we were actually a little early, and all of a sudden, all these cars arrive, and I'm like, what is going on? So then it was 20 different photographers, and I'm like, oh my god. Like, it's like so they all kind of get out and they all start surrounding you. And it's funny because they all want their shot, like they want like their picture and stuff like that. And so then all you hear is look at look look at look look at look, and they're like, please come here, please come here, move here, move here, move here, blah, blah, blah. I was always so proud because I was like, you know, I'm used to being on stage, and you always just jumped into those things. We're so excited about them.

SPEAKER_01 46:45

How was all of this sudden like attention for your beauty for you?

unknown 46:51

Beauty.

SPEAKER_06 46:51

It was fun. I mean, ever since I was a kid, like my auntie and then would always be like, oh my god, you should model, you're so handsome.

SPEAKER_07 47:01

I'm like, all right, somebody, if somebody calls, I'm not gonna be like, no. Why not? It's like money. All that's a walk in the park, anyway. All I gotta do is just twirl around with you and hold your hand and smile. Am I getting paid to do what I was gonna do today anyway?

SPEAKER_01 47:19

Why not? So tell me about your elopement then. It's something I always knew that I wanted to do. I love that you're eloping.

SPEAKER_03 47:28

It always makes me happy when people are gonna elope.

SPEAKER_01 47:31

You know, I think when I've always thought about it, I was like, I just kind of wanted to be us there and do the thing and keep on going. And there was uh we had a friend recently who took us out for like engagement drinks, and she was saying um that most of the couples that she knows that eloped are still together. The ones that spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on their wedding. 50-50. That they're the ones that match the statistics.

SPEAKER_03 47:56

The big thing that I did after getting engaged was I wanted to talk to everyone who I'd gone to their wedding before, once again, research planning, to be like, okay, what did you love about the day? What didn't go so well, what was horrible?

SPEAKER_07 48:11

And who is it that didn't even get to eat dinner at their own wedding?

SPEAKER_03 48:15

A lot of people don't get to eat dinner at their own wedding because everyone's trying to take pictures with them. Yeah, a lot of people do not get to have dinner.

SPEAKER_01 48:22

A good planner is supposed to put the plate in your hotel room that night so that at least you get to eat something. Because, like, usually by the end of it, you're on these high fumes, you're not thinking, you just toasting champagne and dancing and not eating.

SPEAKER_03 48:39

Yeah. Yeah. So it definitely I listened to a lot of people and like they're all every couple we know that got married still together, like rock and rollin'. But it is funny because one of my friends, who was also a pandemic bride with me, we both got engaged around the same time. Her wedding was a month before mine, and she wanted to have, you know, the bigger wedding, all of that, but the pandemic. And so she, you know, she and I were talking about it, and I'd been really excited about loping. So I was sending her material, and I could tell in the beginning she was still a little like, okay, I'm gonna lope, but I'm gonna do something bigger, which I can't be mad at people if they want to do that. They have a vision in their head, and every day we've talked about it since. She's been like, Oh, I'm so glad I loped. She was just kind of like, because I had told her beforehand, I'm like, you're not gonna regret eloping. Like, you will not regret eloping, having that intimate like moment between yourself, your partner, and whatever higher power you believe in, and forming that bond and that union. You can always have a bigger party celebration later. So I I really support elopements to everyone.

SPEAKER_01 49:56

10 out of 10 recommends 11 out of 10. Why get married? You know, this world is so there's a lot of different ways to be commit to someone, not commit, whatever you choose. Like, why is why was it important for the two of you to get married?

SPEAKER_03 50:17

Because if you ever get arrested, I don't have to say anything against you in court.

SPEAKER_07 50:21

That's a good reason. No, just kidding. I mean, legitimately can reasonable.

SPEAKER_03 50:27

It's like, yeah, that's what I think about. Like, if you get arrested. No, let me think about that seriously. Hmm.

SPEAKER_07 50:36

Well, I can give one. Honestly, I know we kind of like joked about earlier about the black excellence thing, and you know, the one in four African-American women actually get married. Um I I know I'm a role model. I'm a role model to my niece and to my nephew, and I'm a role model to a lot of other people in my extended family that come from a big family, and I know that they're looking to me, you know, for guidance as an example of what these next set stages in adulthood become. Like my niece is a um, she's going into her sophomore year at North Carolina Central, so you know, she's a young adult. So I want to let her know this is the normal. This is what you this is what I want you to expect and to achieve to because her mother's a single mother. She didn't really grow up with her dad around the house either. I don't I want I want to be that kind of romantic. I'm not a normalized man in the black community. Like that's if that's something that I have the power to control and I can contribute to and I can do, of course I'm gonna do it. I want people to look at us and be like, wow, I want to be like, you know, Anti Paloma and Duran, because they got married, they're happy, they're together. Because it's actually possible. It is, it is. You're only gonna see it if you if you actually see that example. And and for me, it was something that I, you know, I kind of went back and forth about it like throughout my life, and I'm really blessed for this that I had the example of my grandparents. My grandfather passed away during the pandemic, so that was really hard. My grandparents got married when they were young, they were high school sweethearts, you know. They they they did it. They did everything, you know, and they got to live this beautiful life together, and my whole life I got to see that. I got to see my grandfather dote on my grandmother, I got to see them raise this lovely family together, I got to see them make those keen moments and memories and things that are gonna transcend everything. I got to be with them to celebrate their 50-year anniversary. That that's such a rarity. That's something that can't be taken with a grain of salt, you know. It's inspiring, it's beautiful, and it sets the foundation for so many things in life. And it's not like, you know, in in 1959, 1960, when they got married, they were thinking about, oh, well, what's our grandson gonna think about? But I think that this could be the foundation for something like that. And again, I I know we want to have children, and I want my children to grow up in a house where they have their father, they have their mother, we live in a happy home, and they get to see that love. They get to see that love every day. Yeah. Because when I was a kid, I you know, I'm not gonna go into a lot of details, but my parents did not have a healthy relationship like that. Yeah, I didn't get to see that love exhibited every day. I got my grandparents to look at, which is fantastic, but at home, you know, a lot of questions. So just to be able to have that and then feel like I'm replicating that, I feel like I'm I'm preserving their legacy and I'm I'm doing them, doing them an honor by cherishing those time honored traditions and those things that made their household strong. I'm emulating that, I'm replicating that, and doing it for my household. Having a united front is a great way, or it's quite essential to help build that generational wealth for the for the next generation.

SPEAKER_05 54:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 54:00

Because I mean, very obviously, not in the legal realm of things, when you're married, you're you're filing your taxes together, they're tax credits, there's there's a lot more legal benefits that you get when you're married. And God forbid, if something were to happen to me tomorrow, I know you'd be taken care of. Yeah. I have an insurance policy, I have life insurance, and things like this. And instead of just going out into the ether, it's gonna go to you. Yeah, and you'll be taken care of. Yeah. You know, so it's it's those things like that, the protections and knowing now, and I guess, you know, at the very least of these, at least I know I'm not gonna die alone now. So that that helps, you know. I'm just saying there's there's a lot of reasons for it.

SPEAKER_01 54:39

I was hopeless romantic, but I think I was closeted. And I would always say, like, ah, it's just it was it wasn't quite, it's just a piece of paper, but there are some benefits that come with that piece of paper, like if you go to jail or if God forbid something happens from a medical sense, you know, that and you needed that other person. Yeah. I think it's so beautiful that you mentioned life insurance and things like that. Like these are, they're not like the sexy part of marriage that people talk about, but they are the things that because, like you said, having this good example from your grandparents, you were like, okay, I know what it takes not just to protect, you know, my partner from a relational and emotional standpoint, but I also know what it takes to protect them from like a lifelong standpoint, so that if I'm not here, I'm still protecting them. You know, I'm still like got them covered, my family and future family covered. Um, so I think that's really beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 55:33

I think it goes into there's such a beautiful quote that like love is a part of generational wealth we often don't think of, and really getting to have a moment where it's like when we're talking about family planning and such like that, the idea of showcasing that to our future children, like a happy, harmonious, like home and two people who are really invested in each other and setting that path. I really do wonder sometimes if I was a different race, if I would feel the same way about marriage.

SPEAKER_07 56:10

Maybe. I don't know. I I feel I feel like because, you know, because of the statistics and but what has happened to us as a people, uh, historically, it is more important. It is, it is exactly it it it seems like uh the holy grail.

SPEAKER_01 56:29

What um we shift gears a little bit. What is something that you love about uh the other person?

SPEAKER_07 56:35

I love your spirit. I love your how you approach everything, and I love how you love me. I know it sounds selfish, but I just I it's a very unique way that you love me that I've never felt before, that I really appreciate. That is that kind of love that I feel like people always talked about that makes you feel stronger, that gives you confidence, that is the source of inspiration, that sort of thing. Yeah, and it's what gives you that extra effort to have somebody look at you the way that no one else has ever really looked at you, and that sometimes you have trouble seeing yourself.

SPEAKER_02 57:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 57:20

If that, yeah, that's that's what I would say.

SPEAKER_03 57:23

That's beautiful, but what do I love about you so much? So hard to put in a few short words. I really love that what have we we've been together almost nine years in October altogether, between being married and also dating and such like that. And out of those nine years, every single day, even if it was just a bad day in life, you have made me smile at at least one point in that day. You have made me laugh at some point, even during like the worst days when things were frustrating and upsetting. I also will go into I love that you are so dauntless and always for the adventure. Um, a funny story for us when we first started dating, I got the flying lessons for his birthday, and we had only been dating less than a year. So I didn't know that he was afraid of heights. But what was so beautiful about it is he still got in the plane and he still flew the plane with us in it, and it's like I loved that so much, and also I had always in my life been looking for a person that, and maybe this is why I couldn't love those other people, like, but I really had like, you know, I think we all have these moments where we're trying to figure it out and then like talking to whoever your higher power is. Like I was talking like God, and I'm like, I really need to be with somebody who has gone through some sort of experience in life, but has come out and wants to be a kinder, gentler, nobler person, and also has this deep need and care about people around them because they've learned from some sort of experience that happened. Some sort of experience has happened in their life, and they did not become a villain from it, they became better and wanted to make sure that people were better because of it. And that was something that I really found in you, and that's just something that's so rare. I feel like bad things will happen to a person and it just transforms them the worst way, and to have somebody who it just made you a kinder, nobler, smarter, better human being. I really love that.

SPEAKER_01 59:52

What has love taught you? You guys have been together nine years. I know you've learned a lot from this relationship in particular.

SPEAKER_03 59:59

When I first got into therapy when I was 18, I remember my therapist asked me what was my example of romantic love. And I kind of stood there and I was like, I was like, okay, well, my grandmother's been married three times, my mother's been married two times, my aunt's been married three times, like, and all of these kind of things like that. Parts and pieces I would like to emulate, but maybe not the entire thing, which I feel like is fair. So I remember having that moment kind of of going, like, oh my God, are all my examples of love from like movies and books and literature and all that, and just understanding how unrealistic that was. I remember when Dee and I first started dating. I was reading Tony Morrison's, I think it's God Save the Child, and it's this really beautiful book about these two people who they want to be together and such like that, but they have all this baggage and all this stuff going on. And I remember reading that very early in our relationship and kind of getting, you know, it's like we're about three months in, and I had never been in love, and I'm like, oh, this is kind of scary. This thing that I didn't think was going to happen is happening. I feel differently about this person. I care about this person in a way that I have not cared about others. And I remember thinking about like how scary that kind of was. And I was so thankful that I had just like I was reading that book, and it's just kind of like we all have parts and pieces of our past that aren't the best or they're broken, but we can still be loved because of that. I had so many perfectionist issues in my head about, oh my God, I have to be this, and when I'm this, it's like that will make me valuable, that'll make me worthy of love. Perfection is such a silly thing to try to go after and achieve because as a human being, you're constantly evolving. And so, what even would have gotten you to, if you think about what gets you to a certain level in life of that perfection, it's not gonna be what's gonna help you get to the next level or if it's gonna help you get through it, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:22

So that's the same thing with like marriage, you know, and relationships, it's it's going to evolve.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:27

It's going to be that's what I was about to say. I was like, what I didn't know about love is that it's constantly growing, it's constantly evolving. Like, you know, I thought at year one I couldn't love you more, then year two, then year three, then year four. And it's like, oh, it's like my heart keeps expanding. Like it's weird. I'm like, it keeps growing. Even after, happily ever after, it's still like growing. It doesn't stop. And that was something that really, I mean, even right now, even talking about it, it still shocks me.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:05

That's a beautiful, beautiful example. I don't think I've heard that yet. Like, that it evolves and like learning that it evolves, coming to that understanding is it's crucial because you that's one of the number one reasons you hear for people divorcing is oh, you changed. It's like of course it changed. It's going to change, and you do if you if you're proactive and if you're looking for it, you'll find new things to love about the person, and you can love the changes and the growth that comes from your relationship as well. What about you, Duran? What's love taught you?

SPEAKER_07 1:03:45

So, ever since I was a kid, and I grew up in a church, our pastor, I remember him always preaching the same verse in the Bible as 1 Corinthians 13 chapter, and it's about love. It's a faith, faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love. And every Sunday he would have this he'd come up with this story, this roundabout way of saying, like, see, this is why love is the most important thing. Love does this, love does that, love does this. And that's always been like a guiding like philosophy in the back of my head. Yeah, knowing that love is a powerful thing already, and knowing what that love can do and how it can manifest itself in your life is really important. And it's like when I was saying earlier to the last questions about the love that you give me helps me become a better person or helps me be a better person. And I feel like that's always a constant theme even from you know when we were younger, how we even got together. All of this is just that having that that faith in love and believing in it and investing in it and watching it grow and cultivating it between us has helped us develop and grow into different, better, more evolved versions of ourselves.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:07

Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:08

And even just looking back who I was when we first met 10 years ago.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:13

At 25.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:16

Like compared to now, it's it's unrecognizable. And that that's everything from spiritually, mentally, physically, just like it's one thing to think that you love yourself until someone loves the person that you were, and then you realize that you are capable of being a better person because you have somebody by your side that is filling up your cup. Yeah. And then realizing that in this relationship we're able to do that with each other, how we're able to fill it fill up each other's cups and become better people. If not for any other reason, then because we love each other. You know? Even if like kids don't happen or whatever, like whatever down the road doesn't come to fruition, we became stronger people individually because we were together as a couple and because we've loved each other. And I think that's the that's the biggest thing that I've taught. Like just you know, hearing that in a philosophy, like like theory and practice are always two different things. But when you actually start practicing that love and you get to be a part of it and see and how that manifests, uh I mean it's incredible. Like we've done so many things I never would have even thought possible. I mean, we always do the example about how we left everything and moved behind. But simply because we have that love, we made it seem like it's like it's butter, like it's a cakewalk, like it's nothing. We can do anything. That kind of safety in knowing that we have that love, and that's what's driving us, and that's what's it was tough when you weren't here for those few months in California. And I always think like, what would this be like if I were just by myself? Like, what decisions would I make?

SPEAKER_03 1:07:16

What oh, I would have left this hellhole a long time ago if you weren't here.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:20

In other way, there's so many things that I that we're capable of doing now because we have each other, because we love each other, and because our love is that powerful, that's what allows us to do this. And then it's it's just different how having that that backing and having that love in your life makes you perceive the world in a completely different way. Like I don't I don't feel like I have that that that venom and vitriol and and shit towards other people or anything else like that. It's completely different now because I have love in my life. I have somebody who loves me, so I don't need to like come after other people, I don't have to take people down, I don't have to there's this like anger animosity that I feel like it's become dormant inside of me, and rage even that has become dormant inside of me because I've devoted myself to the love that we have, and then you give me that love back, that there's just not room for that anymore.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:22

So it's like a part of you know, speaking to the evolution, it's like a part of myself died slowly over these years because it wasn't it wasn't necessary. I didn't really need that, you know, and I don't need that now because love is the most important thing, and love is going to allow me to empathize with my fellow men.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:43

Those things were always a part of you, you know, when you when you were created, that those feelings of empathy and compassion and love were always there. But I think, you know, to Paloma's point, there are those things that happen that are really traumatic, and they could make you a harder, more terrible person. And maybe they did for a while. But the beauty of what love does is it comes in and it really transforms not just us towards the person that we, you know, say that we love, but towards every other thing in life.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:16

What is it? James Baldwin says the point about like love takes off the mask we try to hide behind so often or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:25

You guys have been so great. You ready for the last question? Yeah. Okay, we're gonna go there. If this were the last conversation you were to have, say we turn this podcast off and go your separate ways, what would you want the other person to know?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:46

Oh, goodness.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:47

I'm assuming this would be some kind of deathbed confessional.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:50

I don't know. I I hope not. Dear God. I mean, that's the only way we're separating. I just don't see my future without you.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:05

You've been listening to The Love Department, hosted by Nick Lockhart. The Love Department is produced in Brooklyn, New York. A special thank you to Paloma and Duran for allowing us to interview them for today's episode. I hope you laughed as much as I did. Special thanks to producer Karen Minto and sound engineer Kyle Moore. Our theme song is Love by Adam Baldech. Please stay in touch with us. You can reach out to the show via the Heartline, which is on our website, love-department.com, or you can find us on Substack for exclusive written content. And if you're interested in working with me as a dating coach, you'll find that on the website as well, backslash coaching. Subscribe to this podcast, it really does make a huge difference and helps others find this wonderful podcast. Okay, now hand to heart for the count. I wish you love.