S1 Ep 5 Solanchi & Jose "Un Amour Eterno"

Bring in the coquito for this one. Today we’re chatting with Solanchi & Jose. Their love story began when she was a young college student attempted to get into a nightclub. Jose, who was working the club, thought her ID was fake. Now they’re grandparents with a lifetime of love for each other and loving others.

In this episode we talk about keeping your sexlife spicy, finding love after divorce, creating a foundation for openness together, and the rules of dating with strict parents.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:02

It's we're not guaranteed tomorrow, we'll guarantee today. You know, whisper in your ear, say, you know what, you mean the world to me. You know, sometimes I'll write a note, I'll tell her how much she means to me. And then I'll go a text that same day, I'll say, I love you. And uh, she texts me back, I love you more constantly. She always has to add on more than what I it's like, you're not satisfied with I love you too. Well, I love you more. I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Welcome to another episode of the Love Department. This is your chief love officer speaking, and your host, Nick Lockhart. I'm a former matchmaker, a writer, and a romantic. I'm so grateful that you're here. Today we have another fantastic episode for you. I spent some time with Solanchi and Jose over the years, and I've always been impressed with their radical honesty and love for each other. They've been married for 37 years, have three kids, and six grandkids. But you'll soon hear that the spark between them is just as strong as when they met. In this episode, we discuss wedding day mishaps, the timeline of a quick courtship, dating with kids, and blending families. Oh, and we talk about sex. Baby. You're really in for a treat with this one. When I spoke to them, they were vacationing in the Dominican Republic, spending time close to family, and oh, so relaxed. I hope you enjoy this conversation. Ah, the nightclub. An unlikely place to meet your true love, but Cilanchi and Jose are proof that it doesn't matter how you start. Love will always have the final say. For Jose, it was love at first sight. But Cilanci wasn't impressed by this handsome suitor who worked at the club.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

What happened was I was running the club at the Coba Gabbana, and I had a police officer working in the front door, and it was Thursday night, five dollars of the draft that you can drink, all the college kids were invited. And she came in with her friend, and the person at the front door wouldn't let her in because he thought she looked too young, she had a fake ID. So he went and got me, he says, Listen, he says, she came with her friends, they all came from Rhode Island College, she goes, and uh this ID looks fake because she looks too young. So I turned around, I asked her, and I had another person working at the club with me, and he went to high school with her, and he says, No, I know he's in college, and that's how we kind of met.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

No, but the fun story was once I was in the club, he was hot on the trail pursuing me. According to him, what what was it that you fell in love with? You said it was love at first sight.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

She has beautiful legs.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

Well, I was in heels, so and then I had a really nice pencil skirt on with a slip going up the back, you know how that goes. Because you know, you gotta try to stay ex Well, let me put it to you this way. So the young man that knew me from school, when he told him, he goes, Yeah, I know her. That's my girl, but that was just a saying, you know, saying like a friend. He thought that I was his girlfriend. So he was being silly, he was being very flirtatious, and he came up to me. I was close to around the dance floor, and like it was a pillar, so I was kind of leaning on it, and I was sipping on some soda, and he goes, What are you drinking? I'm like, some I said, I'm just drinking soda. He goes, You're drinking soda? Are you sure it doesn't have some rum in it? And I'm like, Sure, it does. Look at ooh, I'm so tipsy. He goes, No, really. I go, Yeah, smell it. There's no rum. And he smelled it. And then he leaned close to me and he goes, Let's make your boyfriend jealous. And I'm like, boyfriend. And I'm like, get away from you, old man. And I pushed him. I go, Don't you have work to do? Go do some managing.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Salachi was just 18 when they met, but she was the kind of young woman who had standards and wasn't afraid to tell it as she saw it. Jose was only 25, but he had already experienced love in a different way than this cute young college student had.

SPEAKER_03 4:29

I was previously married, had two boys, two great boys. I don't know about the wife, but I was young. I was in the Marine Corps. You know how some people just young and dumb. And I don't want to say the other word, but yes, yes. It was the hard one of the hardest things I went through because I was hurting for my kids. But she was the type of person, this is why before you get married, you gotta really get to know the person, who the person is, you know. And seriously, right now, I don't blame anybody for living with somebody first before they get married, because you get to know who the person is. When you meet the person, you know, back then and you get married, it's it's the biggest mistake you've ever committed in your life. And it's like I don't believe in, you know, sex before being married, but in a way you have to get to know your your better app because, you know, and you gotta know if he or she's gonna be there with you through thick and thin.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

After that night at the club, Jose couldn't get Solanche out of his head. So he did what anybody would do in the early 1980s without a cell phone. He showed up to Rhode Island College a week later and asked around until he found her.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

So he was just walking around and was asking people, hey, do you know Solanche? He found somebody that knew me. It just so happened that I lived in the dorm that was right above um security or public safety, and I was in an old girl's dormitory to get to our dormitory, the security yard, you know, had you had to buzz you in, but they call up to the suite and ask for whoever they're trying to visit. And they're like, You have some visitors down here. I'm like, visitors, who are they? And because he first said John Zayas, I'm like, Oh yeah, Johnny, yeah, sure. And he goes, Oh, he also has a friend with him. But I'm I didn't think about it. I'm like, it's Johnny, whatever. So I let them up, and then when I see him, and I'm like, What are you doing? He goes, I wanted to take you out to eat, and I figure if I come with Johnny, you would go. I'm like, okay, first of all, I can't go to lunch right now because I got a class in like 45 minutes. And second of all, if you want to take me out to eat and Johnny's not around, you're gonna have to take all my suite mates. And there was five of them.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

That rule about her never being able to go on a date alone came from her strict Dominican parents. It was a rule that her high school boyfriend wasn't so much a fan of.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

Prior to him, I had I did date somebody my senior year. I told him, I said, I'm not gonna be skipping class, and if you want to continue to date me, you have to come and meet my parents. He was good. He came, met my parents, you know, because they didn't speak English. I had a translate, told him that if he wants to take me out, it's gonna have to be with somebody. So I always had to go out with my sister or my cousin. I could never go out alone. He said, Oh, okay. And then that didn't last long because, you know, he only wanted the candy and he didn't get the candy, so he left.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Was it worth the trouble? What was it about her that made you jump through all these hoops just to be with her?

SPEAKER_03 7:37

It was something about her when I met her. It was just something that inside said, you know, I can't explain it. I just fell in love with her the first day.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

So back in those days, it was beepers. So he gave me his beeper and he goes, Oh wow. He goes, You hit one if it's a yes, and you hit two if it's a no.

SPEAKER_03 7:57

Then they all show up, so I take them to the restaurant that I used to go, which is Russell's Warehouse. There used to be a table set up for just for us. We had a special crowd, so we would they would give us the table and then Because he knew the owner. I still remember that dad took her to a steak restaurant. It was a great restaurant, my friend's restaurant.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

On a double day, because we couldn't go home.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

And she orders her a hamburger, and he looked at me like, is she crazy? I said, please just get her a hamburger. He gets a prime rib and grinds it and makes her a hamburger. He said, Gives her the hamburger, comes back, she takes a bite. It's rare inside. So she says, I don't want this. So I said, Hey, can you just cook it again so they make her a second one? And I she said, No, it's still got pink inside. I said, Can you just burn it for me, please? So that was the most expensive hamburger. It was funny when you think about it. Are you serious? It's prime rib.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Oh I can only imagine what the bills must have looked like for these meals. Or the look on the restaurant staff face when one guy showed up on a date with six women. Oh boy. And this went on for weeks. Uh Jose was determined to see Solanche by any means, so he was not going to let something like a little school break stop him.

SPEAKER_02 9:15

He says, Well, I want to be able to take you out, not just when you're in school, because you know Christmas was coming up. I go, Well, listen, I'm gonna tell you straight now, my parents are very strict, so you're gonna have to go meet my parents if you can date me. And I'm gonna tell you right now, they're gonna tell you if even if they say yes, we can never be alone.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

And he didn't care.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

I didn't care. And that's one thing that I the that's what I f like I also felt like, wow, he's different because like I told you, the previous guy that I dated.

SPEAKER_03 9:45

I'd be honest with you, I was like a male prostitute. I was by myself. So I was in I was having dessert everywhere I wanted to have dessert. And then I decided, you know what, it's just when I seen her, I said, Wow.

SPEAKER_02 9:59

And I didn't give up the dessert?

SPEAKER_03 10:00

I you know, I just had a feeling inside she's the right one. You know, and then I just took my time.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Jose agreed, and he kept courting by the rules of her parents, something that obviously was really refreshing to Solanche to meet someone who treated not only her with respect, but also her family. It was a feeling that to this day he says he can't explain, even after 36 years of marriage. And things kept getting better from there. Soon Jose decided it was time for Solanche to meet his sons.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

And then he also was up front and told me, like, hey, I just want to let you know, I was previously married, I do have two boys. You know, at the time they were they were three and four. And then he showed me pictures. I'm like, oh, how cute, how adorable. He goes, Would you like to meet them? So he picked them up from school on a Friday and he called me and he said, Hey, I'm coming over. I want you to meet the boys. I can't wait to meet you. He brought them over, and Christopher was so freaking cute. He goes, Daddy, she's so pretty, and she got big boobies.

SPEAKER_03 11:09

Oh gosh. So they loved her too.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

Oh, and they loved me immediately. They're like, and I don't know about immediately, but they, you know, every time I spent with when he wanted to see me on the weekend, and he had them on the weekends, and whatever we did, the the boys with with us.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

And that's one big reason why my mother didn't want me to marry him. My mother was like, when he she first met him, she was very reluctant. She's like, you know, he's so much older than you, he's already been married, he has kids. And she would say, You know, he's probably gonna get tired of you, and oh he wants you to, you know, give up the goodies, because that's what Latina mothers always used to say. And then she goes, and you know, if he has kids, you not only have to deal with the kids, you also have to deal with the ex.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Her mother did have a point. It can be really difficult when you're starting a new relationship with someone to navigate the dynamics that come with an ex-spouse. And this one, well, she lived up to every mean-spirited and hateful stereotype there is. Just listen to some of the examples.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

When I first met them, it was like just an instant love. I'm like, oh my god, that's horrible. They will well behave, they wouldn't try to act out, even though they were instructed to act out, but they wouldn't again gotta love freaking Christopher. One day when we picked him up and we were driving home, he's like, Slanchie, I want to let you know that I really like you. I go, Oh, thanks, Christopher. I like you too. He goes, My mommy wants me to not like you, but I told her she can't tell me who to like. She told me to pull your hair and call you salami. Jose Jr. goes, Christopher, stop tattling our mom. He goes, No, because I like her. He goes, I like her too, but you don't see me telling her what mom tells us.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

You know, and it's just sad because she doesn't realize that we get old, you know, and we're we're gonna be by ourselves. And the sad thing about it is she still hasn't realized it. Like I say, it's her loss. She's the one that lost. My kids are doing great, the boys are doing exceptionally well. Till this day, she didn't even get along with her grandkids.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

What made you want to get married again?

SPEAKER_03 13:25

After so long, it's just I had a feeling inside, like, you know what, something's gotta happen. So I just took a shot with the gut feeling that I had and kind of worked out.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

I our story's very quick because like I said, we met in October. You know, he asked me to be his girlfriend by November, and and then shortly after in March, March 24th to be exact, he showed up at my dorm room with my aunt, and I'm like, Oh dear, you know, what are you doing here with him? He, you know, she she was in on it. She goes, Oh, I wanted to come visit you, and he he offered to bring me here because I've never visited you on campus and everything. She was my aunt from the Dominican Republic and she was visiting. So long story short, I'm talking to my aunt, and next thing you know, I turn around and he's on his knees with the ring. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this is crazy. And I'm like, Are you sure about that? He goes, Yes, I'm very sure. So I said yes. And then that's when that's when I finally went with him. And lo and behold, ooh, Solanchi finally met the ex-wife.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

It was on one of the days he had the boys and he needed to drop them off at their mother's. I'm really lucky that in my family, though there is a similar kind of situation with my grandparents, by the time my generation came around, any confusion or animosity was long covered by love. So much so that I never really suspected any fractured origins or anything of the sort until I was told about it. But that's what love can do. It can redefine our relationships to one another and it can heal them. Salanchi was adamant that no matter what nonsense the boys were being fed, they were always to honor their mother.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

I always told the boys, she is your mom, you respect her, she should always come first for you, okay? I never want to take your mother's place. I would never tell anyone they were my stepchildren. I would make myself older when people say, Oh, I don't look old enough to have a like a kid, you know, that's 10 years old, or whatever age they were at. I go, Yeah, I just look good for my age. You know, it's just I guess the Latin genes.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Jose, can you tell me about asking her strict parents to get married?

SPEAKER_03 15:49

I sat down with them and I told them that I wanted to get engaged. And they were kind of proud.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

My father loved you.

SPEAKER_03 15:56

Her mother hated me. Her mother said that, you know, that I was too old. She didn't approve it, but her father, you know, I sat down with my folks and he says, Listen, as long as you don't lay a hand on her and you love her, that's all I care about. And now I'm my mother-in-law's favorite son.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

He defends him more than me. When we're arguing.

SPEAKER_03 16:17

So I've actually I've earned her love, her respect, because of the way I treated her daughter, but not just her daughter, the way I treat her, the way I treat my sisters and my mother, and she sees that.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Yeah, that was one of the things when I first met his family, and I saw how much love he had for his parents, especially his mom. Because he's like, my mom every Sunday, you know, if we're gonna spend some time, you're gonna, you know, you're gonna spend time with my mom and dad in my family. I just I just love that relationship they he had with his mom because, you know, I would say if he's good to his mom, then he's gonna be good to me.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Sadly, a few weeks after this interview, Jose's mother did pass away, and it's something that was really hard for the family. So I'd like to dedicate this episode to Abuela, your love, and we're grateful for the legacy that you've left. After the break, there's a wedding to plan. One that almost ended in divorce the same night. We'll be right back with more of the love department.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Met in October. Got engaged in March, and we got married by August.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

Now you have a wedding to plan. How did that go down?

SPEAKER_03 17:33

That was had nothing to do with that.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Ah, that would be me. Solanci is amazing at planning events, so her wedding was certainly planned to go off without a hitch. But with a limited budget, they had to be creative about how to make that dream wedding a reality. They got a reception hall location at the Hill, a Rhode Island country club where Jose knew somebody who made it happen. And then they ran into a roadblock. Where to do the ceremony?

SPEAKER_02 18:03

I'm Mormon and he's Catholic. I wasn't a I was in an active Mormon at the time. In the Mormon church, you both have to be Mormon. I said, okay, so I guess we'll get married in a Catholic church. So I did go to Catholic church before I even did my, you know, my first communion and all that stuff. And I still knew the priest, so I went over and talked to him, and he was fine with doing it. Of course, he asked questions like, oh, how long have you been together? And he goes, and when do you want to get married? And we're like, we already have the reception hall for August 23rd. He goes, Wow, that's pretty fast. So you definitely need to go to couples class. Did you learn anything interesting or useful? Guess what? Six couples in that class. Guess who's the only one married now? Guess him and I.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 18:54

I know, I'm still trying to figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

The wedding day started and ended with more dramatics. The couple joke that in their 36 years of marriage, there's only been one time they actually considered splitting up, and it was the night of the wedding. But first, this novia had to get herself a dress. The day of the wedding comes.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Oh my goodness. He thought I was standing him up.

SPEAKER_03 19:20

They forgot the giveaway.

SPEAKER_02 19:21

Okay, so here's the problem. So the wedding's on a Sunday. So my last dress fitting was Thursday. I went there, tried it on, everything was great. Because you know, when you go for your last dress fitting, you gotta bring everything, your shoes, your bra. So I had kind of like a princess, you know, the big boo-poofy thing. So what's it called? The thing you put underneath, the hoop thing. So I had all that. They put everything of mine that I brought with me in the bag that I brought it. I had to go to the bathroom. I said, Can you hold this behind the counter while I go to the bathroom? Long story short, go to the bathroom, they give me my dress. I haul ass out of there because I have to meet with the florist. And I left my bag there. So the morning of our wedding, they never called me. I was looking everywhere in my house, and then we had moved a lot of my stuff to our new apartment, calling him and saying, Can you go to the apartment and see if there's the bag with all this, this, that? He called me and he was like, I don't see anything. Where would it be? He goes, I've checked the closet, I've checked, I even checked under the bed. I'm like, under the bed. He kept calling. He goes, Are you coming? Are you coming? You're already a half hour late. I go, I'm on my way. Now that we figured out that I'm gonna just have to go with what it is. He goes, You're not gonna stand me up, are you? And my brother, my brothers were teasing him. He goes, Yo, she's not gonna show. She's not gonna show. She got copy. She finally realized it just was too fast for you guys to get married. And then Hector, hey, you still got a chance. You want me to give by, go buy you a ticket? You could just leave. But long story short, like I got married with my mother's shoes that were half-size smaller, that were too tight. They were beige. No, I thank God I was a senorita. And I had pricky titas. Because I got married with no bra and not my beautiful hoop. At any point in your mind, no pops were you gonna leave?

SPEAKER_03 21:11

No, no.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

No. If I didn't show up within the next 15 minutes, he was gonna drive to my mother's house and go pick me up himself. He wasn't gonna wait for the limo to bring me.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

And as their wedding was coming to a close, there was one more special memory from the night. Did you guys ever have a moment where you were like, we might need to walk away from each other?

SPEAKER_03 21:30

First day we got married.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yes, believe it or not.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

I he was furious because they spilled champagne or beer over me.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

So this is what happened. Again, me being anal. I'm like, that is a rented tux. Your friends just dumped champagne all over it. And I'm like, It was a rented tux.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

You turn it in, that's it.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

And like, why are you over there with your book? Because he was supposed to, we were getting ready to do our last dance. I go, I'm trying to get you to do our last dance, and you're over there getting drunk with your boys, and then he goes, Fine, let's go. So We had a change and he goes, I'll drop you off at the apartment. I go, No, you're not. You're coming in the house. You're not going nowhere. So he was pissed. We were both pissed. Then when I get home, he goes, I'm gonna go take a bath. Because he says he was taking a bath and he was gonna get dressed and leave. So I went into the bedroom and I'm like, and I'm seeing all these gifts. And I'm like, Solanche, really? Is it that serious that they spill champagne on him? You're gonna just throw away your marriage, and it hasn't even begun because of champagne. How am I gonna tell people I just got married? I'm already getting re divorced. I go, this can't happen.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

And so this new bride got creative in order to keep her man and her marriage intact. Thankfully, she noticed among the gifts a little honeymoon night helper from her sister.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

So I opened the box and I'm like, holy shit, this is sexy. I go, I'm gonna put this on and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

SPEAKER_03 22:53

She was swearing this gorgeous negligent.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

So I'm like, there's no effing way he's leaving here. And he didn't leave, did he?

SPEAKER_03 23:00

Rob says, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:01

I walk in and his he this is him in the tub. He's like, look at me over now. He goes, What are you wearing? Like I go, Oh, there's a gift from Jackie.

SPEAKER_03 23:11

I said, Oh shit, we're in trouble. First day we had that ever since that was that was it.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

That was it. I have a feeling I know how you solve your arguments.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Never go to bed, mad.

SPEAKER_00 23:23

Just go to bed.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

Just go to bed.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

And then let nature take its course. We took the conversation there. Three letters. S E X. And I, for one, am so refreshed by how much joy it still brings them to talk about it after 36 years. You guys have always been very open about your sex life. Oh, yes, we are too open.

SPEAKER_03 23:50

Oh yeah. I started off the conversation almost. We always got lucky this morning. Almost, what happened? She wouldn't let me.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

No, I didn't even know he was trying. I was sleeping. He got he goes, I better not wake her. She goes, mad. Because you know me, I'm a grouch in the morning.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

I'm up a four o'clock first, and the three o'clock in the morning is like, yeah, baby, let's get it on.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

No, he didn't even try because I didn't even I did try.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

Trust me. I was grinding and grinding, and you were like, Hell no. I was sleeping. You started snoring. I said, just get up. I went and did it too much.

SPEAKER_00 24:26

Where does that come from? Because you both have like the biggest smiles on your face when you talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 24:30

I have no idea where the hell that comes from.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

For us, for the Latinos, like sex and girls are taboo. Like you can't say.

SPEAKER_03 24:37

Don't talk about sex.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

You get mad at that.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

I'm more like, I had sex this morning. You crazy? I had a lot of my wife. Yeah, no, I was getting laid, dude. You have no idea. I'd rather get laid than playing.

SPEAKER_02 24:45

That's one other thing that we appreciate about each other is that before we got married, um, we always said we should never go to bed.

SPEAKER_03 24:55

Don't go to bed angry.

SPEAKER_02 24:56

Don't go to bed angry. Whatever is going on, we gotta resolve it before we go to bed. And then no holding sex off because you're mad at me.

SPEAKER_03 25:05

Yeah. And we've been like this, you know, 36 years around sex, make it hurt.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

That's his favorite song. And you know what my favorite song is, right?

SPEAKER_03 25:13

I'm doing it and doing it.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

Doing it well by LL.

SPEAKER_03 25:17

Oh my lord, don't record this, please. Don't let nobody hear this comment. Are we supposed to be talking about this here?

SPEAKER_00 25:25

So glad you're telling me this.

SPEAKER_03 25:28

Delete this, delete this.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

And their openness doesn't stop with sex. It carries through to every part of their lives together. It's immediate, it's honest, and it's pretty radical. Growing up, I really never saw my parents argue or disagree. So it was a shock to me to find out that my best friend's parents held nothing back and still remained very much in love. And it's even in their relationship with their kids. Like I said, I felt it immediately when I came into your family and just the openness with which you share how you feel and how you think. How is it that you're able to be so radically honest with each other?

SPEAKER_02 26:09

I don't know. It just comes naturally.

SPEAKER_03 26:12

Yeah, it's not like the thing is that if you don't talk and you're not honest with each other, we wouldn't have a marriage. We wouldn't have, you know, a relationship.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

And I just feel there shouldn't be a topic that we cannot talk about.

SPEAKER_03 26:24

Yeah. Like we talk about everything. Like something's happening, we have a discussion about it.

SPEAKER_02 26:30

Things change, generations change. I know, you know, back when, you know, back in when I was younger, yes, it was a big thing to be a virgin before you got married and stuff, but you know, things change. And it's true, like what he said, that there were so many people just getting married without having that connection or actually having an opportunity to live with one another and get used to one to one another's, you know, little quirks. Because that's another thing we argued about at the beginning of our marriage. I'm missing, I'm I'm anal, I'm very clean. Everything has to be in a certain place. If my ketchup goes here, I want you to put it back there. My table, my dining room table, I want it to always be clear of clutter, nothing. Yeah, he's Mr. Clutter.

SPEAKER_03 27:14

Yep. I clean the dishes, I wash clothes, yeah, I clean the house.

SPEAKER_00 27:19

You have other chores and things that you do. And that's and we've had this conversation, especially recently, where it's like I'm extremely, extremely neat, and I tend to not leave things places, and he will leave things, but he's not being messy. And I have to reassure him, I'm like, I don't, it's not that I think you're messy, it's just that it's not the way that I'm used to.

SPEAKER_02 27:40

I used to get a lot of anxiety and I would like, and it would cause arguments with us, and I'm like, you know, this is not healthy.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:47

I'm gonna try to just take a deep breath and just clean it up again. Because he saw that I was doing that, he's like, it's not fair to her. That's you know, that's my mess. I should I shouldn't be giving, you know, causing her to that. Instead of coming home and just relaxing, she's coming home and cleaning. So I told him, I said, so I compromised with him. I said, okay, yeah, I know you make a mess in the kitchen because you you love to cook. So I'll compromise, you cook, I'll clean. But then he's been a little better now that he's been cleaning up after himself.

SPEAKER_03 28:20

Just a little. When I tell you we talk about everything, it's like I don't hide anything. You know, especially money issues. Right.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

No, and back to even like you said, that you know, we're so open, and even our kids like TMI, TMI, like it just goes back to that whole, you know, taboo. And and we tell our children, it's like, you shouldn't be ashamed to show how much you love one another.

SPEAKER_03 28:43

Yeah. So I have this relationship with my kids that they can open up to me and say, listen, I'm in trouble. I need your help right now.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

And I think it's because you guys set that precedent of having that with each other. You know, they saw you openly through throughout the course of your many-year relationship, talking to each other and settling things or saying, I'm not okay, I need your help. Seeing you work as a team, I think enabled them to then be able to come to you in this way and be open and share what what's really going on with them. Speaking of your kids, do you guys get involved in their relationship at all? No.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

I well, if they ask for advice, yeah. Let it out. We let them vet. We let them vet. And then we just uh then we usually just say, What do you think you should do? What do you want to do? Are you ready to walk away from this marriage or do you want to work on it? Yeah, it's it's always the kids. I go, but listen, remember, you guys went through this, you guys were part of a divorce. I don't care what in and remember your mother used to try to feed you all this stuff. She could feed her those girls all the stuff she wants, but eventually, because just like you, you eventually saw that she was in the wrong and that we we that I truly loved you and you were my child. And I would never change that for nothing in the world. If I had to go back, I would do it again because I love you. But you need to make this decision for yourself. But you will find someone, someone who who truly is who you need to be with. And I in that person, you'll know is the right person by how she accepts your daughters.

SPEAKER_00 30:28

You know, we have opportunities to not necessarily right the wrongs that our parents did, but we have this chance to kind of live through the cycles. And now that you're on the other side of it, you have the wisdom to say, listen, you can get a divorce and it'd be okay. And you find somebody else, even with kids. The kids will turn out fine. You know, they'll get good jobs, they'll they'll find love themselves. You know, there's no wrong answer. Jose and Solanci have three kids, two sons from his previous marriage, and one daughter together. This blended family has done an exceptional job at coming together, and they continue to grow to this day. One of the things that brought the family together was when Jose decided to join the Mormon faith. You can tell just by meeting him how generous and accepting he is, but he didn't always love the Mormons.

SPEAKER_03 31:20

What happened was at first I didn't like the Mormons. I didn't like the the elders. I started going to church. I said, Let me go check the church out. So I started going to church.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

And uh I was just going to church for two years. I love helping people. I've always helped people because that's more important. Those who have a lot, give a lot. Those who have a little, give a little. And those who don't have uh have anything, you help out, you give. And I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, but I'll let you know later.

SPEAKER_02 31:46

Sounds good. That he's very giving and caring. Like he's always concerned about others. He loves to do service. You do so much for everyone, and and you do it so what's the word I'm looking for? Selflessly or easily. Selflessly, like he doesn't care and he's humble about it. Like he doesn't go around saying, Oh yeah, I have Nicole with this. Everything he does, he does it on the DL. Nobody needs, he goes, the only one that needs to know is me and Heavenly Father, and me, because I happen to know.

SPEAKER_03 32:16

Just like me, for example, before I came here, Cuba ended up getting bed bugs, so he said he did. He's one of my like my best friends. And he threw his bed out, his bedroom set. So I ran out, bought him a bed and a mattress and everything. So I told her, I said, honey, you know, I went out and bought him, you know. So she knows it's like some people say, like, are you crazy? You wasted that money. So instead, she said, Okay, that's good because he needs a place. And I said, Honey, do you have extra blankets to get to him?

SPEAKER_00 32:43

I've always been really interested in like the whole idea of like the eternal marriages in the Mormon church. Can you explain like how that works and about that ceremony you guys had a couple of a few years ago?

SPEAKER_02 32:55

So, yeah, so we, you know, we believe in you have a civil wedding, which we had already done by being married in the Catholic Church. So we get what's called we get sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. So we don't believe in till death do you part. We believe that we are gonna, we are he is my eternal companion and we are always going to be together. So it's not like a ceremony. There's a ceiling room in the temple, and only members can go into the ceiling room or worthy uh members, because you have to have a temple recommend. We didn't get sealed because it was a process for him to become a member because he owned a liquor establishment, and we had 10 missionaries return to be part of our of our ceiling. That was so special. And um the only sad thing was that my children couldn't be there.

SPEAKER_00 33:49

So it must have been really hard because your kids are everything to you, and particularly Jerica, because she's you know the the child from the both of you.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

And and that's actually what made Jericha, you know, become active again in the church. It killed her not being able to be in the room with us and be part of that special moment.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

And so for all eternity, for all eternity together.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

It was so funny because when we're driving up there, he turns around and he goes, Are you sure you want to do this? I go, Are you sure you want to be stuck with me for all eternity? And he goes, Wouldn't he have it any other way? You're my yang to my yang.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

When I interviewed them, the couple were in the Dominican Republic, a place they both share their ancestry and lots of memory for their family. As they reflect on what the last almost four decades have meant to them, Jose reminded me that special moments are just that moments.

SPEAKER_03 34:56

I think you know what, it's like today we're at the beach. To me, it's a special moment. Every time we spend time together, it's a special moment because we don't know when tomorrow's gonna come. Especially, I've been around a lot of people where you're here today, and then tomorrow is so sad because you're not here. And some of us don't appreciate what we have in front of us. You know, it's like it's always good to say goodnight. I love you, give you a hug, say a prayer, you know, and just turn around in case you didn't tell her, say it to her, say, you know what, I love you. Because just because you're thinking it, and she knows every day you say you love you doesn't mean anything until you say, It's we're not guaranteed tomorrow, we'll guarantee today. You know, whisper in your ear, say, you know what, you mean the world to me. You know, sometimes I'll write a note, I'll tell her how much it means to me. And text that same day, I'll say, I love you. And uh, she texts me back, I love you more constantly. She always has to add on more than what I it's like, you're not satisfied with I love you too. You know, I love you more. I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 36:02

A real happy moment for me was when we finally could come here to the Dominican Republic as a family with the boys. Yeah, because the boys never had come to the Dominican Republic. We always came with Jerrica. We couldn't bring the boys because they had to get permission from their mom, they had to get their passport, you know, it was it it was a constant struggle with her. And then finally we were able to do that with them. And I think that was a very special moment for us for them to finally, you know, visit their fathers. They referred to me as their momeland, and they had a blast.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

As we came to the end of our time together, it was clear to me that there was no end to their love for each other. Maybe it is possible that love continues through all eternity and beyond, and maybe even beyond that. But it certainly sounds like you can find it in a nightclub. So I asked them a few final questions about what love has taught them and what they love about each other.

SPEAKER_03 37:15

She loves me.

SPEAKER_02 37:17

I put up with him.

SPEAKER_03 37:18

She puts up with me. She does. You know, that's why it's like every day in the morning I give thank to God that to the Lord that she's with me. And she's my better half.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

36, almost 37 years. Why are you the only one in that uh group of couples counseling that's still together?

SPEAKER_02 37:37

Communication, sex in that. Some good sex.

SPEAKER_03 37:42

No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 37:43

I think being able to voice to each other what's bothering us, even though it might we know it might hurt the other to hear some things. I go, but you need to know that this is how I'm feeling. And then when you tell them, they're like, oh my gosh, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I didn't know that's how you felt. So it's just, you know, to be open. And I just think that's the most important thing. Because when you bottle things up, it just grows and grows and makes and it just causes for a lot of unsolved issues and anger. And sometimes that could be a result of, you know, people just blow up one moment and then that's the end of it. That's why you end up just, I can't, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm leaving you.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

The thing is with a marriage is learn to leave the past behind.

SPEAKER_02 38:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 38:34

Don't bring the past back constantly. A lot of people always bring the past back. And it's like they never, they never stop. You know, after you move forward, and then you always bring whatever happened in the past back. And that's one of the biggest issues that we notice with people, they don't know how to let go. Whatever, like Rafiki said from The Lion King, I love the monkey. Don't bring it back.

SPEAKER_00 39:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:02

Because you're not gonna solve anything by bringing it back. You only kind of create a bigger mess.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

If this were, say, for whatever reason, tomorrow you can't talk anymore, or one of you isn't here, what would you want the other person to know?

SPEAKER_03 39:16

What I would want her to know is that you know that I loved her. While you're here today, always appreciate what you have.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

And I would I just would tell him that. Besides that, I love him. Um thank you for the opportunity to be a mother to three wonderful children. They mean the world to me and my grandkids too. As I would have never had that opportunity haven't if I had not met him and married him. I think that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

You've been listening to The Love Department, hosted by Nick Lockhart. The Love Department is produced in Brooklyn, New York. A special thank you to Solanci and Jose for allowing us to interview them for today's episode. Special thanks to producer Karen Minto and sound engineer Brees Seeley. Our theme song is Love by Adam Baldech. Please stay in touch with us. You can reach out to the show on the Heartline by visiting our website, www.lovartment.com. For exclusive written content, subscribe to our Substack for just five dollars a month. If you enjoyed our sex talk, you might enjoy my article about the time I tried to write an erotic novel. Before you go, leave us a review and subscribe to this podcast. Okay, you know the deal. Hand to heart for the count. I wish you love.