S2 Ep 1 "A New Romantic Proposition" solo episode with Nik Lockhart

In the current world, with all its flaws and reasons to despair, why do people choose to get married? Join host Nik Lockhart as she explores the big questions around marriage and pursuing a life of partnership. She helps listeners navigate the big transitions that come with life, her proposal story, fears about getting married, the marriage advice she received, and how to focus on the love when planning your big day.

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

This is the Love Department. It's hosted by Nick Lockhart.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

And then eventually you said, look, we can't carry on like this. We have to get back together. He knows what makes me anxious, and he also knows that when I have this brand new baby, the things that I do right now I will not be able to do. My being loves you. Like I can't see myself without you.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

She's the strongest person I know. Like it's not even close. Like there isn't anyone else that I think is even remotely as strong as she is.

SPEAKER_05 0:36

Welcome, welcome, welcome back to the Love Department podcast. I'm your host, Nick Lockhart, and I have some very exciting news, which we will get to in a moment. But welcome back. This season is a really special one because it is one that I know tracks with my journey in life. In creating the love department, I knew that if I was going to ask couples to be vulnerable with me, that I must also be vulnerable with you, dear listener. To be truthful in what I'm feeling these days, it's been really hard to continue to make the love department. Because uh when I look at the world around us, it seems that hatred and uh apathy have eclipsed love. The world can be a very discouraging place, or it can be a very hopeful one. And what I hope is that this season, no matter where you live, no matter who you love, I hope that this season reminds you of the good moments in life, the moments we celebrate, the moments we come together. That's what love does. Love brings us together and it binds us when things seek to tear us apart. One of the things I love to study are the Greek philosophers, and Aristotle says for nature, when no other one more important purpose stands in her way, places the more honorable part in the more honorable position. And the heart lies about the center of the body. The heart is perfection of the whole organism. Therefore, the principle of the power of perception and the soul's ability to nourish itself must lie in the heart. And if I were to translate it into something useful for us, I would say that to neglect one's heart is to put the whole body at risk. Your heart surrounded by your ribcage, protected, guarded is the key to getting through this. I believe it is returning to the heart of America, to the heart of ideals that are not based on economics, but are based on uh the economy of compassion. That loving thy neighbor is the way to love thyself. I think getting back to the heart of one's pursuit of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that the heart of America is something that for better or for worse I believe will be revealed. And just like surgeons who reveal the heart of a cardiac patient, we will see where the heart of America needs healing, needs hope, needs holding, and we'll see the ways in which we can cultivate that in ourselves so that all of those things can be for the greater good of our humanity. And if you are taking the time to process with grief or with elation. Your heart is at the center and it has the ability to nourish your soul. I want to switch things up a bit and have us all take our hand to heart now. Take a big collective breath and count to four.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

I wish you love it.

SPEAKER_05 5:07

Something wonderful has happened. And if I must admit it to you plainly, this beautiful event is also terrifying. How a moment of courage in the face of deep and personal fear can be, or rather, is often the thing which propels us into love. Fear often looks to us the opposite of love, but it is getting intimate with that that uncovers the ghost to be a mere nothing, a figment of our tortured imaginations. And yet, as I alluded to in my Substack entitled A New Romantic Proposition, this strange, wonderful happening is also the most amazing thing that could happen to a person, has happened to me. And that is that I met someone. I suppose that something I alluded to is really more of a someone. I was sitting at a beloved bar in our old neighborhood the other day next to a young guy who had just left his tennis lessons in Central Park. They were part of his post-breakup distraction, he said, and it had really helped him clarify and cope with everything that he was going through. The bartender told him to be gentle with himself, which, as an engaged person, I also find is really useful advice. To be gentle with oneself during transformation is to be loving to oneself. Whatever that transition or transformation is, whether that's moving in together, breakups, a new job, or even births or loss, we must learn that the greatest show of our heart's strength is to get quiet, to be gentle, and to have courage in the face of transformation. I have to admit that despite the many fears I once had about being proposed to or getting married, the moment that it happened was anything but frightening. And in this season of the love department, I've really found a new level of excitement and joy and gratitude. I am so much more thrilled than I thought I would be. And that's saying a lot for a girl that had frequent nightmares in her single years about all of this. And when I get panicked about any of it, I know that I have a partner that is there with me in it. And thank God for that because he is truly someone who's here to help me, not just face my deepest fears and my anxieties, but I don't have to do that alone. A wedding is such a beautiful and symbolic moment, but it is also a moment that most couples will experience some of the greatest challenges before committing to one another. And maybe there will be doubts or questions that surface that weren't there before. Yet being met with the one that you love, I mean, facing these things really with the person that you love and who loves you, these challenges seem insignificant, like that transparent ghost under the covers. I suppose it is fear, those imaginary, invisible things, those beliefs that I never really wanted a wedding. Too many invisible beliefs, most of them about myself, that I never felt any sort of necessitations around the occasion. I mean, I knew a couple things about myself. I knew I was one who would break from tradition, who would be what I think would be described as an anti-bride. So this season has taught me so much. And I began to see that modern marriages were not the thing of my nightmares. I began to wonder had we as a culture changed with how we say our ideos, committing to someone in love, what it could look like. Perhaps it was a handiwork of different fabrics that center on more than just the love, more than just a single day. Maybe it was more than just what we had been sold or told as a fantasy. Everywhere I went, it seemed that the wedding thing had found me. And you know what I realized? That yes, it was expensive. And yes, this is an industry after all. And yes, I still had no desire to throw a wedding, but I love everything about these events. Big and beautiful, small and sweet. I love me a wedding. I just don't want to be the bride and one. In a couple weeks, my good friends Tracy and Eddie, uh, who I hope to have on the show, will be tying the knot in beautiful Provence. And they asked me to officiate. It's a big, beautiful wedding, and I cannot wait to see what they do in the south of France. But I also went to a small and sweet, wonderful wedding for my friends Kelly and Rob this year. I mean, they got married at City Hall, and when I tell you that hotel rooftop was filled with so much love and joy for celebrating them, who can say what's right for a couple? In both events, you know what I found? Love. Big, beautiful, intimate, sweet love. So I found myself softening to the ideas around a wedding, not just about my own, not just about industry standards, you know, with the latest technologies and the dance floor lighting. And I wasn't really even worried about what dress to wear or what a ring is supposed to look like. I'm softer to the idea that it can look any way we want it to look. This is just the start of hopefully a marriage that looks like what we want it to look like. And it can still be beautiful and sweet and special. And in that, there's nothing to be fearful of. I got some sweet advice when we first got engaged, which I'll do a plug on the article in our Substack one more time. Um, it went pretty viral. People really enjoyed it. But in the advice, I found myself imagining a wise, wonderful future in which not only my future, but the future of every partnership could look better than it had in the past. Better than we had seen in movies, better than books or things described to us. Because it would be based on something real. That in the future, those people in relationships, I'm talking about you and me and the whole world, that in some future society, we would be more equally ready to live and to love to the best of our abilities, with less of the stuff to keep us separated. I imagine a world in which we are more familiar with our own hearts before becoming familiar with the hearts of others. I think one of the best pieces of advice that I got, and I included it in the substact, was to make sure that you marry your best friend. And it's an advice that you've probably heard before, but this time it came with the caveat that when you get married to somebody, you want that person to be your best friend. Because when the shit hits, and it will hit, you don't need a good lover. You need a friend. And as I am preparing to be a bridesmaid in another friend's wedding, and we were talking about, you know, just the egos that sometimes surround this special moment and the easiness with which you can get caught up in a wedding and forget about the couple, forget about your partnership, your relationship. You want to remember that in all of this, no matter what size event you're planning, that this person is your friend. This is your friend. And hopefully your best friend, because life is long, and a good lover is probably not gonna want to change diapers or plan weddings or have deep, long conversations about the bills. A good lover is probably not gonna be there for that, but a friend will. This year I had the privilege of attending a bridal expo here in New York. And as I walked up, there is a limousine with old school hip-hop music playing. It's one of those vintage cars, so it kind of was juxtaposed, but bear with me. Because when I showed up to this event, it was probably the first time that I realized that I am a bride. I know it sounds strange considering I had gotten engaged earlier this year, but when they asked me the question, are you getting married? I said, Yes, I am. And can I just say that it is weird to admit something like that to the world, to myself? Not because I'm not excited, just because I never really thought I would be. And this expo was amazing. I had a great time. And it was the first moment that I really got to experience my engagement from a different angle, and even this podcast through the eyes of so many of our couples who've chosen to get married. And I've said it already, I'm not a typical bride, and I didn't know what that would feel like when it comes to planning or anything like this. But if you are under the sound of my voice, this special moment you will not want to waste. Okay, if you are in the process of joining lives, getting married, making a deeper commitment to your partner, take it in. Take it in. Excitement will give your fears a run for their money. And I don't care if you're single, if you are pre-kids, post-kids, listen, enjoy the moment of life that you're in. Okay, I tell my single friends all the time don't take for granted those nights home alone when it's just you and you can eat whatever you want for dinner. And nobody is calling your name or wants to spend time with you or ask you how your days are. These are special moments because you are in control of your life. And it is up to you to be excited about it in every single season. Don't let another hour go by that you don't feel grateful for it. Because there really is something to love in every season of life. And I'm grateful that when I was single, I really loved my time. I traveled, I ate at great restaurants, I loved on my friends, I loved on my family, I loved on my pet. I mean, it was a time that I'm realizing I'm not gonna get it back. And I'm grateful because the times ahead are that much more exciting and something to look forward to. I'm grateful that my friend Bree, who's a photographer, invited me to this event. She has a fantastic engagement and wedding photography business called Luna Wedding Studios. And it's because of her that I ended up at this bridal event. Um, but it reminded me so much in being there that while I have this opportunity to celebrate life, I am going to. And don't let any of those doubts or fears, whether they're your own or someone else's, don't let them stop you from being drunk on this wonderful moment. Because courage, love in the face of fear is the greatest act of defiant faith in all of human existence. Faith in yourself, faith that love overcomes every single thing. This season we have an incredible lineup of couples who have done that whole getting married business. And they have really showed me what it could be like to plan a wedding, to elope, to be in a committed partnership without weddings. They bought rings, they've displeased family members, they've started families. I mean, they are really here for all of us at the love department to learn from. And I'm really appreciative of their stories and their advice this season because I know I needed it. And I want you to know that I see you in this and I celebrate you all in this process. And if you're someone who is not in this season, yes, I'm talking to you. If you are single and looking or wondering if somebody is out there, know that if it is something that you desire, it can come in a moment. The season of being on my own, I cherish, and I know that I will hopefully not get that back. But if you want extra support in cultivating a meaningful relationship and in your dating journey, reach out to me. Okay, head on over to love-department.com. There is a new section of our website that is specifically for singles looking to date. Okay, I'm opening up my private coaching calendar. This is a very limited offer window, but I want to make sure that I'm available to you as a matchmaker, as a friend, as a sounding board, because I know it can feel like you're screaming out in the darkness. I know it can feel really lonely, and I know that someone is out there for you, and I want to help you get there. So head on over to our website, loved.com slash coaching. You'll find all the resources there to get in touch with me and we'll start your coaching journey. I hope that you find something to love in this season. I really think there's something for everyone here. I have certainly learned a lot. And if you resonate with anything, please send us a message. I love hearing from our audience members, letting us know how much you love and appreciate this podcast, even if it's just a five-star review and a comment on wherever you're listening. It really helps us to know that you are out there. To know that you're out there and that what we create matters to you. And if you happen to know a friend or have a relative or a colleague who's getting married, definitely send them a couple episodes from this season. I hope this can be a resource to those navigating the engagement and premarital process. The love department is not just meant to go in one ear and out the other. It's meant to be shared. Okay. Share it with someone you love. That is the best gift that you can give us. I wanted to end my solo episode today with a love poem by Robert Creeley.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

These are the last two lines of his poem, A Marriage. Oh love. Where are you leading me now?

SPEAKER_05 22:27

Thank you, as always, for joining me on the Love Department today. I'm Nick Lockhart. And I wish you love. The Love Department is produced in Brooklyn, New York. Our theme song is Love by Adam Baldech. Special thank you to Sound Engineer Cal Moore and producer Karen Minto. Thank you for listening to this solo episode today. And welcome back again. We have a lot of really great things in store this season. I want to say also a big thank you to those of you who left us a review, especially last season. If you enjoy this show, please let us know. It really means a lot and it helps other listeners find the love department. And if you have a great story you think we should hear, reach out to us at love-department.com. There's also some great merch there. And you can read my Substack newsletter. I know I mentioned a few of them in today's episode. We so appreciate when you subscribe to this podcast. And please send us a screenshot to let us know that you're following. We'll reshare it. Um we'd love to connect with you and send you a little thank you gift this season. So for those of you who are interested in the one-on-one coaching with me, there's a special offer linked in my show notes. Um, it's just on this episode. So if you've made it this far, there is a little treat ahead for you. And it's only good through the end of 2024. But if you sign up today, you will receive one 30-minute coaching absolutely free. All right. One 30-minute coaching absolutely free with me. I want to help you succeed in love and relationships. So this is a pretty steep value, completely free to you. And if you are ready to open up, to love deeper, to go on that honest healing journey we talked about at the opening of this episode. I want you to take advantage of this offer. It is a very limited uh thing. So please do that. Okay, that's it. Thanks so much for listening to The Love Department. I'm Nick Lockhart, and there's a lot of podcasts out there these days, but we appreciate that you're here with us.

SPEAKER_03 24:47

Take a full breath and hand on heart for the fore count. Let's do one more for good measure. I wish you love.