108 - How to let go when you’re not ready yet

Summary:

Struggling to make decluttering decisions? You’re not alone. In this episode, Heather explores why so many of us need time to process before letting things go and why that pause is not procrastination. You’ll learn how to work with your brain rather than against it, how to avoid “maybe piles,” and how irritation and repetition can actually help you make calmer, more confident decluttering choices that stick.

Chapters:

00:00 – Welcome and introduction
Heather explains why this topic matters, especially for neurodivergent listeners who often feel pressure to make quick decisions.

01:00 – Why your brain needs processing time
How emotional attachment, fear of regret and decision fatigue affect decluttering.

02:30 – The danger of forced decisions
Why rushing to decide often leads to guilt, panic or keeping everything.

03:45 – How to pause without procrastinating
The difference between productive processing and avoidance.

05:00 – Keep similar items together (and skip the maybe pile)
How to give yourself time without creating another job you’ll avoid.

07:00 – The irritation stage
Why noticing annoyance or relief around your stuff gives you useful data for next time.

08:30 – A story about the pan lid
Heather shares a client example that shows how clarity often comes naturally over time.

10:00 – Building trust in your own decisions
How slow processing helps you rebuild confidence and reduce guilt.

11:30 – Letting go with kindness
Recognising when you’ve processed enough and can finally say goodbye to an item without regret.

13:00 – Final thoughts and permission to pause
Heather wraps up with encouragement to go at your own pace and trust that processing time is progress.

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.208)
Hello, Untanglers, and welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. So today, I want to talk about something that so many people experience, especially if you're neurodivergent, but hardly anyone seems to talk about it. And that is the need for processing time when you're making decisions about your stuff. Now, having that time is so important because what I seem to see a lot of clients do

is they say, I'm really sorry that I'm talking this through with you and not just making the decision, but I need to talk it out. And from my point of view, that's exactly what you need to do. You need to talk it through and verbalize what's in your head. And I really encourage my clients to do that because it's part of the letting go process, but it also works the other way. When you're not ready to let something go, you still need time to process that too. And a lot of people say, lot of clients will say,

or I'm really sorry I can't let this go yet. And what I always say to them is, that's okay because maybe some point you will be able to let that go. And they know in their heart that they won't let it go but their brain just needs to process and come to terms with it. It's almost like you're grieving for that item before you let it go and that's a really important part of the process. So, not rushing it, not forcing it.

and not panicking about it, just giving your brain the chance to catch up with what your hands are doing a lot of the time because our brain works so fast, but sometimes it works so quick we get paralyzed by it. So it's really important to have the space to think it through and be okay with whatever outcome you come up with, whether that's save for now or let it go or keep, that's okay because the honest truth is

a lot of clients try and force themselves into making the instant decisions and that's when your brain your brain doesn't work that way like you can't force something because every time you push that it makes you feel like you've failed and you haven't failed you simply just need a bit of processing time so let's talk a little bit more about that your brain needs that time to process what it's doing because it took time for your home to become cluttered

Heather Tingle (02:25.664)
it's gonna take time for it to get uncluttered too. My scariest moment is when clients say to me, I'm not even gonna look through this box, I'm just, just get rid of it. And that really makes me go, no, please don't do that. You do actually need to process it because while you're, the important part of decluttering is the processing of it. You are, I don't know, I want to say you almost, you're, you're grieving for the item.

You're allowing yourself kindness. You're reliving the memories, good and bad. You're processing maybe trauma from it. And that's okay. That's a really important part of it. And if we're being honest, and your divergent brain seems to do struggle a lot with on the spot decisions, either all or nothing. We will either make immediate decisions straight away, not always good ones, or we will take so long to think about something.

that we kind of tire ourselves out by it. And having a lot of time to think about something is okay. But when you're going through your clothes, for example, or you're going through, I don't know, a cupboard of decluttered decisions, you're dealing with a lot of things going off. So there's emotional attachment, the fear of regret, perfectionism, the worry about getting it wrong. And there might also be like time pressures and physical pressures and also, you know,

pressures from the outside world on that as well. And there's also the physical tiredness that comes with making decisions because you will get decision fatigue making that many decisions. So if your brain freezes, it doesn't mean that you're lazy. It means you need to like take a bit of time and a bit of space to have a think and that's okay. So when you're making those on the spot decisions and you start to notice yourself getting struggling with it, maybe you need processing time on maybe you need a bit of a break from it.

Because what happens is if you try to force a decision before you're ready, one of two things usually happens with my clients that went before they have me. You either keep everything out of fear or you throw things away in a panic and then really regret it and have guilt later and you have guilt for such a long time and regret which then impacts on decisions later on. So neither of those outcomes is good ending.

Heather Tingle (04:46.702)
None of those give you a calmer or decluttered home and rushing will not work for you. So forcing yourself into decisions is not going to work. One of the biggest takeaways I want from this though today is I want you to know it's perfectly okay to keep items if you are struggling. There is no rule that says you have to be ready to let go of an item the first time you touch it to decide.

And if you need time to process that and ruminate over it, then that is okay. And keep them where they normally live. So with like for like items.

So I would really like you to keep them with similar items in that category because that keeps everything visible for the next time you're going through that category and it gives you a clear picture of how much stuff you have. I think that's really important. And the one of the biggest mistakes I see clients do is have maybe piles. Maybe piles are a terrible idea. It's really tempting to make a maybe pile. I see it in homes.

all the time and that's usually when it's been a black bin bag or a bag for life that's been shoved in a cupboard and other things are being put on top of it and you totally forgot it existed. It's like, I was making decisions on those and then they didn't go. No, they didn't go because they were making a decision and then you didn't have any deadline to go back to it or if you did, you still weren't in a position to let them go and the reason why you're still not in a position to let them go is you've had no feedback about that. So, the problem is a maybe pile becomes a job.

in its own right. An awful procrastinated thing that you're leave until the time's right, but the time, let's face it, it's never right, is it? So it sits there on a chair or in a box or in a bag and you walk past it for weeks and then thinking I should really go through that at some point and then you don't, you avoid it and then you feel annoyed with yourself for not doing the imaginary job that you never needed to do in the first place. So your brain will always procrastinate over tasks that feel vague or emotionally heavy. So you've already struggled with it once.

Heather Tingle (06:55.244)
Therefore, know, or rather your brain knows, you're gonna struggle with it again because you've not had anything change in that time other than time. So what you need instead of giving yourself like another job to do, keep the item where it normally lives. And that way you revisit it all the time. You revisit it when your brain is ready to make a decision, but you revisit it when you're still thinking about it. Because this to me is where the kind of psychology of decluttering kind of happens.

because when you put something back that you're unsure about to give it another chance, it's going to start irritating you. So every time you open that full drawer or that cupboard, you will notice it. You will move it to get to the stuff that you really want. You will roll your eyes at it. You will be like, this is still there. I've still not made a decision about that. And every time you kind of get irritated by it or the opposite,

You're like, I'm so glad that's here. I want to use that or I want to wear that or I want to do something with that. You're getting data back. You're getting that feedback and that's what your brain needs to be able to make a decision on it. So I had a client that had a pan lid that did not fit in the pans and she decided to, we said we're going to keep it because the other pan might turn up. I mean, she was pretty certain she got rid of the pan that something had burnt on it and gone.

but she really wanted to keep that but every time she opened that cupboard, it slid out and got annoying. And by the end of like the next couple of weeks, she was so fed up with this pan lid getting in the way of everything else or picking that pan lid up instead of the one that fitted the pans. But really she wanted to let it go, but she didn't need me to then convince her because actually the next time I came a couple of weeks later, it's like, right, that can go now. And you just needed to process it on your own terms.

and then the answer then becomes obvious. It's either a hell yes, it stays or it's a, you know what, I am absolutely ready for this to go and you make that decision having all the information available to you. You know, I've had my own moments as well. I've had items in my wardrobe that I still now actually need to go through again if I'm honest, where yeah, this was the year where it was gonna have a reprieve. Actually, I've moved on from that now.

Heather Tingle (09:11.692)
I've bought more items which I really, really do love. So it is okay to let those go now. Like I've made those decisions in my head that next time I'm sorting it, I know that it can go. Because not having it there reminding you is a really helpful stage. I call it like the irritation stage. It's not really irritating. It's just a reminder that it's there. You clock it every single time. And it's kind of like clarity in disguise, those little

little moments of seeing it so often and still not using it or still not really wanting it enough. And that slow clarity brings confidence to make a decision because the more you allow decisions to come at a pace that suits your brain and a place and a kind of a pace that you feel comfortable with, the more confident you become in making those decisions because you start trusting yourself, you stop feeling guilty, you stop thinking you should be faster or tidier or better because you

make those decisions and you're alright with them. Nothing's come back to bite you. You start realising that your decisions are helping you have a calmer and happier home and it's all good. It kind of reduces that emotional whiplash because let's face it, decluttering is emotional if you're doing it right generally. Most of the stuff's got emotion behind it so old identities, hobbies you no longer do, gifts that you felt you had to keep.

So letting go isn't just about the item is it, let's face it. It's about settling your feelings so you can let it go without that horrible guilt and tugging your chest because the times pass now where you've had time to process it and think, yeah, okay, I can let that go now. So revisiting every after a few days or a few weeks or even a few months is okay. You will look at the same item and think, yeah, I'm ready now. And that is such a shift because it's using that time wisely.

So keep asking yourself, does it still serve me? Would I replace it? Would I buy this again? Will I ever use this again? Is it likely? Am I always going in for the same things each time and that one's getting left every single time? Then that's when you can ask yourself, well, if it's been left every single time, what's the point in having it? You don't need to redo a whole room. It doesn't need to be a big thing. It can be a couple of items at a time because that's what keeping them in with the other items does for you.

Heather Tingle (11:35.15)
and you will think, oh, I'm not doing it fast enough, you know, I'm not getting things out quick enough. You're working at your own pace, which is a longer lasting declutter than a big blitz that I'm sure you've tried before. So I am giving you a Heather says it's okay moment permission to pause, permission to give it a reprieve because eventually we'll let it go and it'll be great for you. So if you take one thing away from today, that pause in...

That giving it reprieve is part of the work. That processing time is such a valid step in decluttering. You're not avoiding, you're not stuck actually. You're more stuck if you have that maybe pile. What you're doing is you're getting more feedback and you're getting more data and you're giving your brain what it needs to make a decision later on, which is going to be a confident decision that will last and feel good. So I hope that really helps you. So until next time, be kind to yourself. Remember you're not alone and keep untangling.