113 - Why am I not organised at home?

Summary

In this episode of Decluttering Untangled, Heather Tingle explores the common disconnect between being organised at work and struggling with organisation at home. She emphasises that the issue often lies not with the individual but with the systems in place. Heather discusses the importance of adapting organization methods to fit personal needs, especially for those who may not conform to traditional organizational norms. She advocates for creating supportive systems that work with one's brain rather than against it, and encourages seeking help when needed.

Chapters

00:00
Understanding the Disconnect in Organisation

06:01
Rethinking Traditional Decluttering Methods

10:07
Embracing Support and Adaptation in Organisation

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.326)
Hello, Untanglers, and welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. Today, I want to talk about something that I hear all the time. And that's when I meet a client in their homes and they apologize for not being organized. Yeah, I see little pockets of organization in places. And then I ask them why they think they're not organized. And they look around their house and say, well, because of this, you know, and...

I think it's something that although this is not a particular practical podcast today, I think it's really important that I give you this reminder and you understand why this is. I will over the next few weeks, because it's the Christmas period and things are a little bit hectic, I'm gonna give you some few easy wins. So...

Bear with me with this episode because I think this is really important information. You need to hear it. So, but after this, you will be getting some decent quick wins to get you started on your declutter journeys. So when clients say they're not organized, I usually ask them why. And a lot of the time when we kind of look into it,

They say, well, actually at work I'm capable. So it might be that you manage deadlines, you hold responsibility, people rely on you and it all works pretty rigidly. Like you've got those systems in place and things are organized and it might be, your desk might look an absolute tip, but you're pretty on it. Like your systems are pretty, pretty nailed down. And then you come home.

And it just feels like everything unravels, like the laundry's piled up, the table's full of stuff. Things don't get finished, they stay half done. And then that question creeps into, well, how can I be so competent and organized out there and so rubbish at home? And I think that disconnect messes with people's heads quite a bit because we're told like organization is a skill and you kind of think, well, if I've got it, I've either got it or I haven't. So you think that you've not got it. So...

Heather Tingle (02:20.426)
If you've got it in one area of your life, you think you should have it in every area of your life, but that isn't the way that it works because what that assumes is that the environments are the same and that they're asking the same thing of you. And actually they're not because most households are run on assumptions of neurotypicalness. I don't even know if that's a word, but I've made it if it isn't. So we never really question why it is this way.

And those assumptions are things like, you'll notice when something needs doing. Well, yeah, we might notice, but like we forget two seconds afterwards. You might remember what you were doing. I mean, I never remember anything as I'm in the middle of it. So that isn't the case. You'll put things away straight away. Now, if you've got a very cluttered home, that's almost impossible. And also, if you haven't got the system set up to be able to put things away easily, then it isn't going to happen.

and that you will reset your spaces daily. You know, you'll be the beautiful Mrs. Hinches of the world where you'll have a beautiful reset and then you'll go around with your, I want to mention a brand of cleaner, but I'm not going to mention it. You know, you'll go around with your beautiful smelling stuff and you'll get the saucepan lid with the tea towel on and you'll clean your sofa and it'll smell gorgeous. And that is like your reset that you'll be doing like once a week or once a fortnight or once a day and your house will be gorgeous. And then the other thing is that you'll remember where things live.

even if you can't see them. And that is very difficult if you are living in a house that isn't set up right. So if it's not organized, if it's not decluttered, if it isn't in places that make sense to you and your world, then that is not going to happen. And all those assumptions are neurotypical functions. And also that is a huge amount of executive functioning going off. And my brain is not set up for that. Whereas at work,

There are systems that are outside your head that you are not in control of that are just there. So deadlines are visible. Other people will prompt you. You have immovable deadlines with harsh consequences. So they have to happen and usually have to happen pretty quickly. So there's also things like structures that hold like everything together. Whereas at home, the system is meant to live in your head and when it meant to inside your brain, that is a really dangerous place for anything in my world to live.

Heather Tingle (04:47.903)
If it's in there, it doesn't stay in there very long. And if it does, it can float off or ping back whenever it feels like it. So when that doesn't work, especially if you've got volumes of stuff like the clutter will start to build and it becomes a manageable or it's just about manageable until something happens. Like if you get ill, for example, and it's not because you're unorganized, it's not because you don't care. It's not because you're lazy. It's not because you're failing that pile on the table, those bags by the door, the box of doom that you kept meaning to sort.

They are reminders. They are visual reminders of poor decisions, futile tasks that are waiting for your energy and focus a lot of the time. So we might have got the energy, but haven't got the focus to finish it off. Or we've got the focus, but we just don't have the energy. Or we've got so many competing things that it just goes down the priorities list because we haven't got that urgent deadline. And it's not your house being difficult. What it is, it's kind of like communicating to you. That's a really weird thing to say, but.

All those things are saying these systems that you've got aren't working for you and it's not you that's the problem. It's actually the systems. So what it's saying is this system relies on your memory. Good luck with that one. This system needs more energy than you've got today. This system will collapse if you're tired, you're overwhelmed or you're already at capacity. And let's face it at this time of year, we're mainly living at full capacity, if not over. So traditional decluttering advice doesn't really help with this.

So everything having a home is wonderful. Like, yes, I am a massive, massive advocate for that. However, it only works if you remember where that home is and that home actually makes sense and you can remember where it is. That does not come easily for many people. And that's usually while you need something like me to come in to figure out where the home actually needs to be. Otherwise things can get messed up very quickly.

It only works if putting things away straight away. That only works if the transitions to put them away are actually easy. Out of sight storage does not work if you've got issues with object permanence. Having things at the back of cupboards, that's where they're going to go to die. Like you're never going to remember they're there. So I think it's really important that I remind you what generally happens is people just push themselves harder. They just

Heather Tingle (07:11.637)
I just need to be more disciplined. I just need to have a better system. I just need to try harder. And they tell themselves that they should be able to do this. They should be able to manage. And all that does is increase the shame. And what actually helps is changing the organization, changing the systems that you've got. So they work with your brain rather than against it. Because your home doesn't need to be perfect. It needs to be supportive of who lives in there. And that often means that

there are fewer steps to work. So for example, there is absolutely no point me having a Hoover that has a power cord on it. There is literally no point in having a vacuum cleaner with a power cord because that power cord is one step too many. If I want to Hoover something up, then I want to pick up the Hoover and turn the button on and it work, not pull out a cord, find a plug socket.

turn the plug socket on and then turn it on and probably trip over the power cord while I'm at it. So fewer steps need to happen, not better intentions, not, I just need to vacuum more frequently, not, I need to create a rotor system of when to vacuum because such and such does it every Tuesday, or I should do it every day. No, I just need to remove the steps for that and make it easier for myself, not push myself to work harder with it.

looking at options like visible storage rather than hidden perfection. So if you've got a beautiful wardrobe that's hidden behind doors, how long is it gonna stay beautiful if it's too difficult to put them items back on the hangers and put them in color coordinated order? Like it's got to be easy to keep on top of. Giving yourself the permission to have drop zones where things are allowed to be plonked. And that, for example, clothing, if plonking is

Good for, I love the word plonking by the way, but you know, if for example, putting things on hangers is too difficult, then why not use dump bags or boxes? That's fine. Your clothes can be put away and they're organized in a fashion that works for you. There's nothing wrong with that. So the systems need to be designed for tired you, poorly you, low spoons you, not ideal you.

Heather Tingle (09:28.715)
I think what happens generally is people try to hyper-organize and give themselves extra control. And they do this when they're full of energy and full of enthusiasm for the system. Not realizing that in, I don't know, a couple of weeks, couple of months time, when they're not energized about the system anymore, they're really, really tired. They're feeling poorly and they've got no spoons left. That actually that system is never going to work because it was created when you had the energy and you had the power to do something and keep on top of it.

So I really think it needs permission to say, do you know what? This works for my brain. Even if it looks weird to someone else and it isn't how it looks in an ideal home or show home, that's okay because it's working for you and then you can keep on top of it. So if your home feels like hard work, please know this is not a personal failure. It's a systems mismatch. That's all it is and support is not cheating.

Having body doubling is not a stupid thing. It's not a crutch. It's not a silly thing to have to do to have someone at the side of you doing something with you so you can get it done. It's actually essential. Having a cleaner is not laziness. And it's not, and I want to say this with care, it's not privilege. And obviously, yes, you are privileged if you can afford a cleaner. But actually what it really is, it's an adaptation to help you so that you can live in a clean home.

because if you didn't have that, wouldn't living in a home and you deserve a clean home. Help exists like me because this is genuinely hard to do alone. Now, not saying it's impossible, you don't have to hire me, but you do need to really think about this and really dive deep into your organization at home and what doesn't work and organization at work or organization, some things that do work and why do they work and try and replicate that.

because you need a home that works for your brain, not against it. Hopefully this has helped you a little bit and I hope you are all feeling okay. And this is all said with love in all honesty, because I see so many people struggling and they always think that it's something on them that it's, I am not organized. And well, actually you really are. I can see from your brain that you're organized. You just haven't got the system set up. So it's the systems that need changing.

Heather Tingle (11:47.468)
And if you do need help creating a system, please do come into the Facebook group and let me help you create new systems, post what you're struggling with and let me comment and give you some ideas of this is how I've seen it happen for other people that works quite well. So until next time, please remember you're not alone. Be kind to yourself and keep untangling.