119 - Why traditional decluttering methods don't work for ADHD brains

Summary

In this episode of Decluttering Untangled, Heather Tingle discusses the challenges faced by individuals with ADHD and neurodivergent brains when using traditional decluttering methods. She emphasises that these methods often fail because they are based on assumptions that do not align with the realities of neurodivergent individuals. Heather critiques popular methods like the coat hanger method, explaining why they can be ineffective and how decluttering should focus on visibility and immediate feedback rather than memory. The conversation encourages listeners to embrace their unique needs and find systems that work for them, rather than feeling inadequate for not adhering to conventional methods.

Chapters

00:00
Introduction to Decluttering Challenges

02:40
Why Traditional Methods Fail ADHD Brains

06:47
The Coat Hanger Method: A Case Study

10:04
Embracing Your Unique Decluttering Journey

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:02.114)
Hello, Untanglers, and welcome to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. So today, I want to talk about something that comes up all the time. And I do mean all the time because it is something that I see, especially on social media, and I get so annoyed. I get so annoyed. And that's because what I see happening is...

people trying different decluttering methods that everyone swears by, everyone's got this new fix and you give it a proper go and then quietly thinking, why does this not work for me? Like what is wrong with me? And if you've got ADHD or you're neurodivergent in some way or you're just surrounded by clutter, then that can really go very quickly into like a shame spiral of feeling not good enough, you failed again, why aren't you like anybody else? Everybody else manages it, why can't you?

So I want to talk about why traditional decluttering methods don't work for ADHD brains and why that is not a you problem, it's a method problem. So bear with me because I may do a little bit of a rant, but hopefully you will come along with me and then you will understand why. So a lot of traditional decluttering advice really sounds like it'll work, like it's really sensible. So especially this time of year, there's challenges all over the place.

Everyone's jumping on the bandwagon of new year, new start and all that kind of bump. And a lot of the declutton of eyes comes from, all honesty, from very organised people. So you think, well, great, it should work for me because it's calm, it's logical, it's delivered with a lot of confidence. And then when it doesn't work, it can feel you like you failed again. And it's almost like, well, you haven't tried hard enough, like there's something wrong with you or that you're missing some kind of like

that everybody else seems to have. And the truth is that you're not. Actually, what it is, it's a lot of decoding advice was created for a very specific neuro type and brain type. And often our brains do not fit that mold. So it is never gonna work for us. All it's doing is setting us up to fail because most decoding methods are kind of built. And I think this is because they're created by people that have already highly organised that they're built on like quite a few assumptions.

Heather Tingle (02:23.7)
And so some of them being that you will remember to do the thing. I can't remember what day it is most times. I can't remember if I've eaten most days. That is not going to work for me. Having to remember something is already adding to my stress. If I've got to then add something else on, I mean, I would be lost without Siri telling me what I've got to do. So the other thing that it assumes is that your energy and your mood is consistent. Well,

I have really, really down days and low days and days where I struggle to get out of bed and also, you know, physically struggle to get out of bed. And then I have other days where I feel like I'm on top of the world and I can get anything done. Like I'm an all or nothing type of person. I am not consistent at all. And the other thing is that they assume that your habits will stick if you just push through for long enough. Now there is a meme going around on social media at the moment about neurotypical brains.

form a routine to brush their teeth. They don't need to be remembered. They don't need to remember every evening to brush their teeth. And actually, if you're on your divergent, you physically have to remember every night that that's what you've got to do. expecting that a habit is gonna stick if you do it enough times is really hard, actually, especially when there's no immediate payoff, because that's also...

almost like expecting to have your fantasy self, you know, like the one that shops intentionally, the ones who put things away straight away, the one that never dumps clothes on a chair, the one who was never in a rush and always late for things and gets stressed out all the time, is the one that actually lives in your house. Let's face it, that is not realistic because for most of us, that is not real life. Yes, wouldn't it be wonderful if we did do that? But we don't. So we have to work with that part of us that doesn't.

So a really common example of this is the coat hanger method and it absolutely does my head in. I'm sorry that's very Northern, but it does my head in because you've probably heard about the coat hanger method that if you haven't heard it, I'll quickly explain it. The idea is you turn all your coat hangers backwards, you wear whatever clothes are on the hangers, most of mine aren't, and then you put the hangers back in the opposite way so that you then know.

Heather Tingle (04:46.624)
in a year's time or six months time, whatever you haven't turned around, you get rid of because you've not worn it. Now, in theory, that sounds like a really clever idea. Like it sounds a really neat way and quite simple way of doing it. Very grown up, very minimal effort. Brilliant. So in theory, it should work, shouldn't it? But let's face it, for a lot of our brains, this is where it starts to unravel because first of all, it relies heavily on memory.

straight away for me. So you're meant to remember which way the hangers are facing. Now I'm gonna get, if it's over a year, I'm gonna get halfway through the year and not know which way my coat hangers were facing in the beginning. Like that is gonna happen. So that's not gonna work for starters, but then I might figure it out based on what I know I've worn. Okay. It also assumes that you're not just gonna shove something back quickly. Let's face it, if I can't shove something back quickly, then it ain't getting shoved back.

So that's not gonna happen. It also means that you're like tracking what you wear and for how long, but if something just gets shoved into the back of your wardrobe, there's a very good chance that you are gonna forget it exists. And the amount of clients I work with when we unearth things from the back of their wardrobe and they go, I forgot I'd got that. I love that outfit. So that would be something that would go because you hadn't worn it.

actually you just forgot it wasn't there and it's not because you don't care about it, it's not because you don't love it it's because if you can't see something your brain forgets it exists so that object permanence means that is a real struggle so no amount of just try harder is going to fix that the other thing that why I think it doesn't work is it relies on delayed reward so you've got to wait a year before you actually get rid of anything so nothing is going to happen for what?

six months, five months, 12 months, you're gonna get no feedback, you're gonna get no sense of progress, you're just waiting. And if there's something that I'm not very good at, it's patience and waiting. I can't do it, I need quicker feedback than that. I need that transformation that makes me feel good, that I can see I'm moving forward. Waiting for a year like that is never gonna make that happen for me. So my motivation will drop off because I'm gonna get bored. And it's not because I'm lazy, it's just because my brain needs some input sooner.

Heather Tingle (07:11.096)
to stay engaged with it. And the other thing it assumes is that if you haven't worn something in a year, you don't love it. Well, that's simply not true because I've got items that have been in my wardrobe definitely for over five years that I haven't worn because I've just not had occasion to wear them. And it's not that I don't adore them because I do. It's just that occasion hasn't come round. So you can adore an item and not wear it. Might be because your body's changed. It might be because your life's changed. It might be just that because the occasion hasn't turned up.

or maybe your sensory needs have changed. So if you're struggling massively, obviously you might be more sensory aversion. Aversion? No, you might be more sensory. You might struggle with sensory stuff more. There you go. Because the other thing is some clothes are mood specific. So there are items that I will wear when I'm feeling really brave and really out there and I want to put myself out there and like people look at me and there are items that actually normal every day. I really don't. I don't want someone to look at me. I'm not feeling brave. I just want to hide in the background.

and that's okay. Like you're allowed to keep those things because not wearing something doesn't mean it has no value. It absolutely does.

And then there is the practical reality that really gets missed absolutely completely by all these people who think this is a good idea. And that's the fact that a lot of us don't actually use our wardrobes in the way most methods assume. And that's we use a floor job or we use a chair or we use the end of the bed. So a system that relies on hangers being used consistently. What about all the stuff that's in your drawers? Does that mean that never get sorted out? No. So when the methods fall apart,

People don't usually think, it's just this system that's not right for me. What they think is, why can't I stick to these things? Why does everybody else manage it? What's wrong with me? Why am I getting this wrong? And I'm here to tell you that it's nothing that's wrong with you. It's the system that you're trying to use has not been set up for your brain. So if you've been trying to force your brain into systems that weren't built for how it works, that's not on you, like you've tried.

Heather Tingle (09:16.694)
It's okay. You gave it a go. It didn't work. So don't feel bad about it because if you're neurodivergent or you're overwhelmed or you're living in chaos, decluttering has to work differently. It works with visibility, not memory. It has to work with ease of doing it and it has to work with getting that feedback straight away. So it feels good and then you want to keep on going. It's got to have a shorter start and end point. So you actually finish it because otherwise

you never finish anything, let's face it, it's hard enough finishing most things. So it's got to ask what made this hard to put it away instead of why didn't I do it properly? And you've got to understand that you're working with the reality self of the person that actually lives in the house, not the perfect person that other people think should be able to do these methods. And it's got to accept that some things are kept just because, just because you love them, not because they're worth it, not because they were expensive, not because...

You wear them all the time just because you love it. That's reason enough to keep something. So if you've tried decluttering methods and they didn't stick, that's not failure. It's information. It's telling you you've got to do something different. It tells you something about what your brain needs and what does and doesn't work for you. It's not that you need more willpower. It's not that you need to be more disciplined. You just need systems and support to meet you where you really are.

So hopefully, I hope that makes you feel a little less rubbish about not keeping on top of things, a little more understood. Hopefully a little warning about if you're gonna try the coat hanger method, what you've let yourself in for. So until next time, remember you're not alone. Be kind to yourself and keep untangling.