135 - When You and Your Partner See Clutter Differently (And the Resentment Is Building)

Summary

If clutter is causing tension in your home, you are not alone. Whether it's a partner, spouse, housemate or family member, living with someone who has a different relationship with stuff than you do is genuinely hard, and the resentment that builds on both sides can start to feel impossible to navigate.

In this episode, Heather Tingle draws on a decade of working in clients' homes, as well as her own personal experience, to talk honestly about what actually happens when one person is overwhelmed by the clutter and the other is overwhelmed by the pressure to let it go.

This is not a one-sided conversation. Heather talks about why blame never helps, why the person with the clutter is not broken or lazy, and why the person feeling resentful is not wrong to feel the way they do either.

You will come away with practical strategies including how to have the conversation before any decluttering starts, why proper decluttering looks messier before it gets better, how to get the other person genuinely involved without it becoming a battle, and how to find a shared finish line that works for both of you.

Because the goal is not for one person to win. It is for the home to feel livable for everyone who lives in it.

Chapters

00:00
Introduction to Decluttering Challenges

02:56
Understanding Resentment in Shared Spaces

05:36
The Importance of Communication

08:17
Navigating the Decluttering Process

11:13
Involving Others in the Decluttering Journey

14:29
Creating a Collaborative Environment

17:01
Establishing Practical Solutions

20:06
Celebrating Progress Together

22:48
Conclusion and Encouragement

courses.untangledbytingle.com Getting Started and Zoning Workshop

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.08)
Hello Untanglers and welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. Today's episode is gonna be a big one and I know it's gonna be quite long because this is now the second time I've recorded this. The first time, technology went wrong and it didn't record it properly. So here we go again. Hopefully this will be even better. I'm winging it. So.

Today, we're gonna get into something that I get asked about an awful lot and I have been through personally and it is one of those topics that can be really hard to think or talk about because it can bring up so many emotions and people can feel really anxious about talking it through because we don't like conflict and this can be something that causes massive conflict between us and other people in our surroundings. So what do you do?

when one person in the home is resentful of the other person's stuff. Or it may be that they don't even live there and they are also resentful of it. So, you know, it might be a partner, a spouse, a housemate, a parent, a child, or a family member, or just a family friend. And it's really common. If this is your situation, you are not alone, not even slightly.

I've had it myself with an ex-partner, so I know exactly how awful it feels when you're being accused, I wanna say, or made to feel bad, even if it is not their intention to do that, and it is not meant that way, but because it's your stuff that's causing problems. So I am going to talk about it from the person with the clutters point of view, that would be me, I guess.

because that's the viewpoint that I come at it from. And obviously that's where I support my clients. However, this is not a, other person is wrong podcast. The other person is probably right too. It's a way to kind of discuss it and see how we can find better ways forward. So first of all, let's figure out what the problem actually is. Usually in these situations, one person gets the blame for the very full home. It's all your fault. You are the hoarder.

Heather Tingle (02:15.18)
They are the messy one. They are the reason the house is chaos. If it was up to me, it'd all be sorted, it'd all be tidy. I'm a tidy person. It's not a problem. It wouldn't be a problem if I was in charge. In my experience, however, working with clients in their homes week after week for, I don't know, 10 years, excuse me, the person doing the blaming very rarely sees their own stuff as clutter. Their things are different.

Their things have a reason to be there. Their things are fine and their things don't count. Hate to tell you, your things do count. And I say this without judgment because it's completely human. Like we all have blind spots about our own belongings and also our own abilities. But if you're in this situation, it is worth noting that it is never an all or nothing thing. It is never all one person's fault at all, ever. Because...

We don't do blame here. So it is nobody's fault. It is just a situation that needs addressing. But also in almost every home I have been to, it all contributes, all of it. The resentment tends to land on one person. That is true. But the home belongs to everybody in it and it's everybody's stuff. So what I'd like to do is give you a few ways of thinking, a few options to think about, maybe a few strategies to try on how you can approach it.

to maybe bridge that gap a little bit between you and the person that is feeling resentful about the stuff. And so that everybody has a better understanding. So there's less animosity, less conflict and less frustration. That's the plan. Are you ready? Strap in. So before you touch a single thing, you need to have a conversation. And I this is horrible. And this is the bit that everybody skips, me included. I've skipped this too in the past because it's horrible.

It's awkward and it's the one thing that brings reality of where you are both at to the front, but you need to talk it through. Before any decluttering starts or if you're in the middle of it now and you need to have this conversation, you need to speak about what tidying or uncluttered means to both of you. And not in a vague way, but in a really, really specific visual way. What does the living room look like when it feels calm for you?

Heather Tingle (04:35.318)
What does the kitchen need to feel like or look like for you to feel okay with it? Because I promise you, those pictures in your head are probably the same. It's just you've never really spoken about it because you're too scared to. Getting that aligned removes so much friction because if those pictures in your head are completely different, you've got a problem. Because otherwise, what's happening is you're working towards a finish line.

that only one of you can actually visualise and see, or it's a finish line that's actually really unrealistic given your home and your circumstances and where you are now. So to find that common ground of what feels okay, not perfect, but okay, what that looks like. It's also worth naming the feelings underneath the resentment, not just the stuff, because it's not just about the stuff, is it?

So the resentful person is usually not actually upset about the objects themselves. It's how they impact them and their way of life or how they impact you as well. They're probably upset about feeling unheard, about feeling like their need for calm space doesn't matter or feeling that they're the second best to the stuff. Or maybe it's just not understanding why it is so hard for you to let things go because in their mind, it's all very simple.

So you do need to approach this really carefully, but you need in a way that it's logical. So you can remove as much emotion out of it as you can. Look at it as a practical thing to try of what might help. And I love this is looking at house listings. Cause who doesn't like looking at house listings? Like I'm always looking on the internet of like million, two million pound houses and thinking, wouldn't it be nice? And then I think actually the electric bill would be really, really high. And I'd have to get a really expensive gardener.

and a cleaner and a cook and yeah, I need to earn a lot of Or looking at ones around the corner from you to see, that's what their house looks like, that's interesting. So what might help is looking at those house listings that are not the million pound ones, unless you live in a million pound house, but look at house listings that are like yours and say what you like about each room in the house and how it visually looks or feels.

Heather Tingle (06:58.828)
and what are the things that you could maybe implement in your home? So what do you see that you might like in your own home? The next part, again, it's an awkward communicating bit we don't like, but you have to discuss it. And that's making it known that the clutter upsets you too. I am sure they're aware of this, but it's always good to have a refresh. Have a look at why it's happened. Not in a making excuses way because we don't need excuses. It's not a character flaw.

but the genuine reasons as to why it's happened or why things are difficult for you. Because accumulating things is often a response to anxiety, grief, ADHD, being autistic or neurodivergent in some way, perimenopause, brain fog, injury, depression. Like there's a million and one things that the reasons why could just be, do you know what? Life's really hard at the moment or...

I've had a bereavement and we had to do this really quickly and now it's such a big thing I'm really overwhelmed about it. Talk about it. It's not a personality defect. It's not laziness. It's not something someone's doing to make someone else's life difficult. Make that really clear. I am not struggling with this and making it like this for it to be awful for you. This is the reason why I struggle with it. This is my thought process. This is why I struggle with this because I think this, this and this and do...

make sure that you are not asking for remedies. So you're not asking for advice to counteract your way of thinking. You're just explaining this is your way of thinking. That's really important because unsolicited advice is not helpful. If the person doing the blaming can take that on board, it can genuinely change everything about how the process feels for the person doing the releasing or decluttering. Because letting go of things, we all know, don't we?

is emotionally hard work. It is not easy. If it was easy, I'd be out of a job. That effort though is almost entirely invisible to the person who finds it straightforward and easy and thinks you should just get a skip and shove it all in it and then it's job done. They can't see your thought processes. They can't see the barriers that you face. And we should not expect people to just know. You do need to tell somebody about it and explain it.

Heather Tingle (09:19.154)
not in a excuse, not in a defensive way, but in an explanation. This is what my brain does. This is how I find it difficult. This is hard for me because...

No accusations, just an explanation. So hopefully, if you are the resentful person listening to this, please send it to people in your world that find it really hard to deal with your clutter. Your person is not broken. They are not alone. There is millions of us like this whose brain's thinking exactly the same way that theirs does. And that's what I do. However, they are not doing it to annoy you.

It is not lack of action. They are doing something genuinely difficult and acknowledging that even once makes a bigger difference than you could probably realize. Then it's looking at the practicalities of decluttering. And I do need to say this because if nobody makes this clear upfront, it causes massive problems. So I talk about this every time I go into a client home for a first declutter, I have to tell you, proper decluttering looks messier before it gets better. It is part of the process.

You just have to go with it. Things have to come out and get sorted, reorganised, decluttered, removed to be able to be put back in organised and how you want them to be. Categories have to be pulled together before decisions can be made. And if you were walking to a room mid process, it can look like an absolute disaster. Even when you've got a professional doing it with you, even though real work is actually happening.

If the resentful person in the home is not prepared for this, they can panic, get frustrated, or feel like nothing is improving and what on earth are you doing? So agree on this upfront, say it out loud, make a note of it. This is going to happen. It's okay. Bear with me. The middle of a declutter is supposed to look chaotic. That is not failure. That is a process. However, what is not part of the process is getting to 3 a.m. and you've got

Heather Tingle (11:24.244)
stuff all over your house in different piles or in the room all over your house. You can't go to bed because the stuff's all over the bed or the stuff's all over the floor in living room and now you're absolutely worn out. You're too tired. You've run out of spoons and energy and the next three days you don't have time to deal with it. So it's just going to have to be there to be tripped over there for the next three days. That is not part of the process. So do not use me as the reason why that is like that because this is not. If you listen to me, especially if you listen to the early episodes, the Pave system ones, the planning episode, P for planning.

so that you don't get burned out halfway through at 3 a.m. and leave a pile of stuff undone, ensure that you've got enough time and energy to complete the task, do the micro categories, make sure you've built it so that you've got those breaks built in that you can leave it, know where you are with it, and it's not causing chaos to everybody else. Is it possible that the other person can help as part of this though? So with regard to your time or your energy, for example, can they support you?

in that, for example, if you have children, can they take some time out of the house one day so that you've got some time working on decluttering? Can they agree to cook one night so that you have more time to declutter or you'll be really, really tired, therefore they need to cook because you're gonna be too exhausted to cook anything? Can they get food in for you? Can they do something that is caring to ensure that you feel good about it?

or can they do some errands for you that you really need to do, but actually you're really hyper focusing on this declutter, you need to get it done. Can they fulfill a duty that you usually do to be able to give you some bandwidth? As part of this process, one of the biggest challenges though in decluttering is the one that happens mentally before it shows up physically as a change. The processing of items before being able to let it go. So the, yeah, I think this can go.

but I just need to get my head around it and I just need to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that can take time. It can take days, weeks or months. But if it's only ever in your head, that doesn't look like progress to the other person. But actually that's huge progress in my world. The shift in someone's relationship with their stuff, the decisions they start to make differently, the ways that they think differently, the way that they're thinking about what comes into your home going forward.

Heather Tingle (13:44.343)
is all progress and none of it is visible. I wish it was. None of it shows up in like before and after photos. It doesn't show up in the volume of stuff that leaves. And what I see happen is someone, the resentful partner or friend or person in the home saying, I thought you were gonna let those go. And then what happens is the person who would need to declutter gets on the defensive and now finds it too panicky to actually let it go. And that sets you back. But that is a real important work.

So if you are the person waiting to see results, do have some patience with the invisible part and I know it's hard because you're probably very, very patient a lot of the time and you're just so frustrated and you just wanna get it sorted. But it matters more than the surface. The surface stuff's gonna come and go and it's gonna change and you're gonna have messes, that's normal. But it's the mental changes that will keep it maintainable and will keep that person going forward and making massive changes in the long run.

So try and back off as much as you can, let them crack on because as the more safe and secure and relaxed a person is about their stuff, the easier it is to process letting go of it. Adding on pressure, adding on guilt and shame makes it harder. I know that's not something that someone else wants to do. It's not their aim to do that to you. Hopefully, I mean, hopefully you're not all shacked up with narcissists.

So hopefully it's a positive thing and if they're aware of it. But in order to make that happen, you need to explain your thought processes. So if you listen to something on the podcast and you think, that might be a change that I can think about, talk it through. So you know, I've listened to something today, it actually really...

worked for me or really understood it now and I get this and this is why this happens and this is what I struggle with and I'm going to try this next time and actually I'm not ready to let this go yet but I think it may be a few weeks I might be able to but I just need to sit with it for a bit to double check, talk it through. It is all about communication and that is really hard for us to do. The other thing I see a lot of, it drives me crackers, is the shove it in a cupboard problem. This one happens all the time too.

Heather Tingle (16:02.786)
So the resentful person, the tidy person, desperate for the space to look better right now, maybe someone's coming around or they're just so fed up of it and they need to do something with that space, tidies things by moving things out of sight, shoved into a cupboard, shoved into a spare room, shoved into boxes under the bed. And I completely understand why. I completely understand the impulse. Who doesn't want to just shove stuff into a cupboard to do? It looks better on the surface. Yay, great.

and they feel like they've done something helpful. You know, I've tied you up because someone's coming round. Yeah, but what you've actually done is take something that was kind of organized into my decision making and now you've turned it into anything other things that are now absolutely mixed up. I don't know where anything is. It's totally out of context. It's with in a place that it's got no business being. You've unzoned my zoning and now.

I'm totally lost and confused and more overwhelmed that I was to start off with. And also I feel like now my energy has been wasted from the time I did start doing stuff because now it's all messed up. So when the person is decluttering then opens that cupboard, the overwhelm I feel is huge and it can set the whole process back by weeks. It's not easy and this is not a perfect compromise. However, the only thing I can kind of think of as a way forward with this

problem is agree on a designated holding zone per room or per area. One spot in that place that both people know about and anything that needs to be moved quickly off sides or could be off, know, sides to make look neat and tidy or off floors can be shoved into that space for that room. Not just everywhere, into cupboard, into spare rooms, mixed in with other things like one agreed spot or into one bag, which then goes in a specific place.

That way the resentful person gets the surfaces that look clear. The person decluttering knows exactly where things are and nothing's been buried or lost. And it's not a big nightmare to then sort out later. You also agree in advance on a rough time scale for when the holding zone then gets properly sorted. So it doesn't become just a new pile of rubbish to deal with. So for example, stuff that's on the kitchen side, if someone's urgently coming round this stuff, only place it will actually fit is

Heather Tingle (18:23.566)
I was going to say washing machine, that's a really bad idea because I've just got visions of pots and pans and knives going round in a washing machine. In the saucepan drawer, the saucepan drawer is where things are going to go when your mother-in-law comes round and you need to make the place look a little bit tidier. There you go. But then within the next day, once someone's left, we're going to get it back out and put it back on the side and then start again. That way you've got a plan for it.

One of the best things to do though is to get the resentful person genuinely involved in the process. This is where things can really shift if you do it right. Only you know what that person is like with you and stuff. If this does not feel like a safe thing to do, it's going to feel comfortable to do, don't do it, but try to get them involved. One of the best ways is getting them involved in the exits. So getting the stuff out of the house when you say it can go.

not just them standing there watching you, but actually them doing the exit. So they take the stuff to the charity shop to drop it off. They list the things for sale on Vinted or eBay or Olio or whatever. They take the bag of shredding to be dropped off to their work or the shred company or they get to shred it. That way they physically see what's actually leaving.

and it stops feeling like nothing's actually happening because we all know when we live in clutter, it can take an awful long time of stuff going before you physically see the massive benefits of it and things start to feel easier. Having something like a visible tracker. So for example, in my Declore Your Home Planner, there's a master tracker where you can colour in the bin bags of things that have left. That can be used for this. So put it somewhere where you can both see it. You can like photocopy it, blow it up, whatever. Use a whiteboard or a note on the fridge.

shared note on your phone of bags left or things gone, not to prove anything because you shouldn't need to prove, but to share the progress because you should share it because you should also be able to celebrate it together that things are moving forward and enjoy it. Because also it's genuinely hard to see when you're in the middle of it, how much is actually left, how much is left. And having something tangible to point to really helps say, look, like,

Heather Tingle (20:39.842)
I've got another bag of stuff gone this week. Don't be tempted to fudge it and go, that was a bag of rubbish. I put it in the bin, which was going anyway. Don't add that onto the list because that's just doing yourself out of rewards. But really show in a visual way that progress before and after photos for them would really help. Also, give them a genuine voice in the new system.

So it's all very well you doing all your homework and understanding your brain better and learning how to do things, but it's their home too. So deciding together where things live now, talking it through with explaining what you know, like your new hyper focus on decluttering and how to make things work better. Explain what you've learned and your reasoning on why you think something would work in this place. Ask their opinion and listen to it. They might have a genius idea that you've never thought about.

Or it might be that actually your way works better, but at least they understand why you think something should be there. That way they're invested in maintaining it. They know where things are as well. So there's nothing worse than people going to a cupboard and going, all right, where's my stuff? Because you've moved it. Instead of having to put post-it notes, have them as part of the process of removing this here. I think this would work really well. What do you think? Because otherwise what happens is they see you doing it. And sometimes they can be waiting for it to all fall apart. And then you get told, you get told, I told you so later. It's not what you want.

If they are practical, give them a job for the after. Can they be the one to choose the storage solution once you know what the space needs and what you want it to be? Can they be the DIY person who sorts out the shelving or the hooks once it's cleared? If they're like a craft type person, can they craft something pretty that makes the space look lovely once it's been sorted?

Give them something to look forward to in contributing as well. So something that's theirs because it is their space too. And then how do you actually work together without it becoming a battle? Few things can really help. Obviously we've already talked about them doing the exits for you, but starting with a shared zone that's not very much emotion rather than tapping the whole home together or only work on your own stuff.

Heather Tingle (22:57.016)
So something non-emotional like a kitchen drawer, for example, or medicine cabinet is always a good one because medicine cabinet is easy when it comes to, there's very little sentimental in it. I'm not saying there is no sentimental because there's always sentimental in everything, but, you know, going through the old expired medications, for example, is a quick and easy one that can feel really good and they can see the progress instantly because then it can level the playing field immediately and it takes the emotion out of it.

or you only work on your things only, not things that are joint part of the house. So for example, if you're working through a category, like a mini category, like white t-shirts, ask the other person if they'll body double alongside you, doing theirs, doing the same category of their own stuff at the same time. So it may be that they don't really have anything to let go of, but you know, we can always do a wardrobe refresh and the idea is that it's body doubling doing it together. So they do their t-shirts while you do yours.

their side of the bedside drawers while you do your side of the bedside drawers. Side by side, not one person being watched. Make sure you set boundaries around this, for example, and no commentary rule during sessions. If the resentful person's in the room, they do not comment on individual items or your decisions. They can talk about their own stuff and their own decisions, and you allow them to do that. They make their own decisions, and you do the same with yours.

They can be present, can body double, they can help with exits, but the decision belongs to the person who's stuff it is. The moment it tips into commentary or, I wouldn't have let go of that or, no, why are you keeping that? The whole thing breaks down and it makes it really difficult to ever get back from. So make it really clear right from the start for both of you because you may not agree with things that they're letting go of, but if it's their stuff, you've got to let them do it. It's part of the process. And then...

agree on what is good enough for both of you. Not perfect, not magazine, not Pinterest and interest. Pinterest and Instagram, that was the word I looking for. Not what someone else's own looks like, but just if this room looked like this, that would feel better. Great. A specific visual achievable version that both people can actually picture, a shared finish line instead of an endless moving target that you're never gonna be able to achieve.

Heather Tingle (25:22.926)
Because the goal here is not for one person to win by letting go of the most stuff or by one person only letting their own stuff be the stuff that stays. It's not about proving who's right or who stuffs the real problem or who's to blame. Of course there is no blame, not in my world. It's not about who's being more patient or finally things getting done. That is not what this is about. The goal is for the home to feel livable for everyone who lives in it. No one person takes priority in that.

find a way to do it together and that really is what you should all be wanting from each other. So if you're in this situation I want you to know it's really really common, happens all the time, if it wasn't I'd be out of a job. It doesn't mean that the relationship is broken or the home is a lost cause or you're a lost cause, all it means is you are two different people with a different relationship to stuff.

trying to share a space, that is all. That is genuinely hard, but it also is genuinely workable to sort out. And if you can get on the same side of the problem, instead of opposite sides of aiming for the same thing, that's where you can be. And I really do believe that you can do that. So if this episode resonated with you, if you hear yourself nodding along or going, my God, yes, I'd love to hear about it.

Come and find me in the untangled Facebook group. Let me know which of these talking points hits home. Let me know how you get on. Have we got decluttering by osmosis and you start doing it and then other people in the home do it too. Have you got someone else on board? Let me know. I can celebrate with you. Because this is genuinely a subject I could talk about for hours because I've been through it. I had the person that was a really, really tidy person.

as another half and it was horrible. It made me feel rubbish. They were stressed. They were annoyed. I was stressed. I was annoyed. There was other ways to do it. There's easier ways and it does mean horrible conversations. I'm really sorry, but it also means action too. And that's what we want, innit? We want to make things different and make things better. Apologies, this is a really long episode. I really do try and keep these episodes short so that you've got a chance to listen to them. But there was so much to say about this one.

Heather Tingle (27:47.843)
So I hope some of these strategies help you. So until next time, remember you're not alone, be kind to yourself and keep untangling.