138 - From Alone to Understood: The Decluttering Shift You Never Knew You Needed

Summary

When did you last tell someone in real life what your home actually looks like? Not a partner, not someone you live with. A friend. A colleague. Someone you chose to tell? For most of us, the honest answer is never.

In this episode Heather gets personal about the thing that makes decluttering so much harder than it needs to be. Not the stuff itself, but the secrecy, the shame, and the exhaustion of carrying it alone. She talks about what she has witnessed happen in rooms full of people who finally found others who get it, the friendships that have formed, the homes that have changed, and why shame cannot survive in community.

This is also the episode where Heather shares why DeclutterCon exists, and it is not because the world needed another event.

In this episode:

• Why so many people have never once spoken out loud about the reality of their home
• The connection between isolation, shame, and being stuck
• What actually happens when people stop doing this alone
• Real outcomes from Heather's in-person Untangled events
• Why community is the shift that changes everything

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to the Struggles of Clutter
02:40 The Emotional Toll of Clutter and Isolation
05:55 The Power of Community and Shared Experiences
08:39 Creating Safe Spaces for Connection
11:27 The Vision Behind DeclutterCon
14:11 Invitation to Join the Untangled Community

Links:

• Book your DeclutterCon ticket
• Join the Untangled Life membership waitlist
• Find Heather on Instagram: @untangledbytingle
• Website: DeclutterCon

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.208)
Hello, untanglers, and welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. So today is gonna be a little bit different type of episode, and I hope you'll understand my heart behind talking about this, because I want to talk about something a little bit different than normal. And I wanna start by asking you a question, and I want you to just take a minute and really think about the truthful answer. When was the last time you talked to someone in real life about the state of your home? And I don't mean someone who lives in your home, not a partner, someone you live with. I mean a friend, a colleague or a family member, someone like that. Someone you choose to tell, someone you voluntarily said,

This is what my house looks like, this is how it makes me feel, this is the thing I can't seem to fix no matter how hard I try and I'm finding it really difficult. Because for most of us, the answer is you probably never have. Or maybe, I don't know, years ago, things have got really bad, you got to a crunch point and you kind of like sort of half mentioned it to someone and then like immediately left it off and changed the subject because you saw the look on the face.

and you realised that they just didn't get it or they were a bit judgy or a bit taken back or they did that, yeah, my house is messed too and you're like, I've seen your house, it is nothing like mine and you just knew that they didn't get it. So you stopped talking about it, you closed the door to it, like literally, figuratively, you got really good at knowing.

like which rooms were safe if someone like came by unexpectedly. You became an expert at that like strategic tie day, the shove it in the cupboard, shove it in this room, shove it in this space, or the come through and let's sit in the kitchen. And then very quickly like closing the dining room door because you couldn't actually eat in the dining room because it's just become a bomb site. You got really good at that. And I know exactly how that feels because that secret, it feels like you're hiding.

Heather Tingle (02:16.556)
I've been there, that was me. And it's a weird thing because it's kind of like a secret, but it almost feels like you're lying, but you're not lying because you're not being untruthful. You're just kind of hiding something. So you're just not telling people the truth about the exhaustion and the daily stress that you live with every day. And my God, that like envy of other people's homes and how easy it seems they have it.

and that million plates that it feels like you're juggling, like, and you're on a hamster wheel that you can't get off, and you just can't tell anybody about it because nobody will get it, nobody will understand. And I know it because I've lived it, but also because I'm hearing it all the time. Like every single week, I am hearing it from clients. I am seeing it in my email inbox, in my DMs.

in the comments, in the social media, in the reviews you leave for like this podcast at like two o'clock in the morning when you can't sleep and your head's going round in circles. You tell me that you've like cried listening to an episode, not because it was sad, thank you, but because for the first time ever, someone said out loud exactly what the thought processes that were going on in your head and you didn't feel like the only one anymore. And I get it.

that moment, that feeling of not being the only one. And I'm sorry that I'm probably going to get quite emotional about this today, but that is what I want to talk about. And I want to hopefully just flip something to show you how not being the only one and the power of community can change absolutely everything for you. Because I don't want shame and I don't want judgment from anybody. You don't need to feel that because there's no...

reason for it. It's not that you're at fault for any reason. And the thing that I've noticed over the past nine, wow, 10 years I've been decluttering and untangling is that it's not wholly the clutter that's the problem. Obviously it is the main problem. Like if we didn't have clutter deal with then woohoo, I'd be out of a job and I wouldn't, I'd be actually happy about it. But it's not just about the stuff that's causing the problem. It's also that

Heather Tingle (04:43.892)
awful thinking feeling about it, that secrecy around it, that exhaustion and weariness of managing how much other people get to see it or know about it, that constant fight of every day trying to keep up with life. And that's often what's doing so much damage. It's that energy that you're

using for all that, that living on the edge all the time and that internal panic that you like live with and shame thrives in isolation. And I don't want anyone to feel like that. But I guess what I want to talk to you about is how it can get better and the shame and that awful self judgment feeling.

because we're so much better at being forgiving to other people than we are ourselves, that can't survive and it definitely can't thrive in a community. And I learned this personally, like the more open and honest I've been over the past few years about being neurodivergent and sharing my struggles about being autistic and ADHD and all those things that I find really hard, which feels...

really embarrassing to admit to, you I really struggle making phone calls. I really, really struggle going to new places that I've not been before. Like it's, it's almost impossible for me. And being outspoken about it and sharing that and then having others say, thank you so much because I find that hard too. It helps them, but it's also reassuring for me.

It's great to know that I'm not the only one and it makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel less bad about it. And it makes me feel actually quite good about sharing what's going on and being open and honest and genuinely me. And that is very freeing. But that kind of freedom and lightening the load, I have seen elsewhere too.

Heather Tingle (07:08.078)
And that's why I want to share with you because I've seen this kind of, I want to call it a shame release. I don't think shame is totally the right word, but it's maybe a burden release or the lightening of the load happening with the feelings about living in a cluttered or a stressful home. When I've done my in-person days, my untangled events. So lunch and learn, decide and do when we've done the WhatsApp groups, when we do the untangled life membership.

I see it happen all the time and I see it with one-to-one clients, like what, three times a week. People come in to it so anxious, like almost bracing themselves for what they think is gonna be a really tough day. Something to kind of like grin and bear it because you know it's gonna be worth it, but you know it's gonna be hard. And that genuinely anxious, sicky feeling.

The hands in pocket, that am I in the right place? Is everyone here gonna judge me, like level of anxiety? Am I gonna fit in? Am I gonna look stupid? Am I gonna feel the odd one out still? Is everyone else's place gonna be worse than mine? Everyone else's struggle is gonna be ridiculous in comparison to mine. Am I gonna be awkward? And what is so wonderful that it actually makes me cry.

when I come out of those spaces, like happy tears and the relief that we did it is that there's something so special that happens in those rooms and in those spaces. And I've watched it happen again and again and again and again. And it absolutely gets me every single time. People start talking really carefully, quite guarded at first. And then all it takes is for one person.

to say something honest, real and raw and so truthful and usually a little bit vulnerable. And then you see someone else in the room go, yes, this is me. That's me too. And then someone else and then someone else. And then the anxiety just dissolves and that feeling of it's okay. And with people who get it, people who...

Heather Tingle (09:32.973)
came in not knowing anyone except maybe me through listening to the podcast or me through social media or having maybe a one-to-one Zoom with me. They leave with real friendships, like proper connection to others. Now, might not be like best mates, because let's face it, you've only like spent eight hours together in a room once, but that kind of smile of, I know you.

And that's okay, I'm just like you too. This is a place that I am part of. This is where I'm meant to be. That kind of feeling where you see them posting the Facebook group and some kind of win and then you see everyone else who met them on that day, cheer them on because they know you and they're connected to you now. And that is so great to know that we've created that thing where everyone feels less alone and...

people are still messaging each other months later because they found people that they connect with who get it, who go through those same ups and downs, goes through the same arguments and stresses and wins and they get it. And then what happens, which is so wonderful is people then go home in the decutter. it's, I mean, they have a rest first because it's a day out and it's tiring, but.

They're declaring not because they've been told to do it, not because they've been given a checklist or an amazing system or an amazing set of rules or a thing to follow. Although, you know, we do do that too, and that helps. But they do it because something's just changed really deep down inside of them and it's just shifted something. It's absolutely clicked something that day in them because they just feel let alone because that shame just got lighter. And when the shame gets lighter, you've then got the energy that you were expending on that shame.

to put towards something else. And it means that you just move forward with that, like, that sense of hope and light feeling inside then exists. And it propagates me. And I still get messages from people who came to those days, what, two, three years ago, telling me what's changing their homes. Like, I'm still using that system that we created. I'm still following those notes that I wrote for myself. And people can now visit my home.

Heather Tingle (11:57.635)
I changed a space in my home and now, you this room is different because I've got my space back. Like so many things have changed, not just like in the weeks after, but months and now years later, because that thing that happened at that space just unlocked absolutely everything. And that room that they were in unlocked something and it stayed unlocked. It stayed with that feeling of, yeah, I get it now.

like this is doable, I'm capable of doing this and I'm with people and I've got my community and that's what community does, that's what happens when you stop doing this alone. And that this is what I needed for me 10 years ago, 11 years ago, maybe now. I did it a year by myself and I, you know, it was blood, sweat and tears and there was a lot of tears and it was so lonely and it was so hard.

and I was learning, I was going and there were days where I never thought I was gonna get to the end of it. But now I'm at the other side of it knowing I did get through it and it would have been so much better if I hadn't have been alone. And that's why I've created DeclutterCon and why it exists. And it's not because the world needs another event with speakers and it's not because...

I thought, wouldn't it be fun to just hire a venue and pay thousands of pounds and sort out catering and sort out tables and sort out chairs and have a really detailed spreadsheet that just keeps getting scarier and scarier and bigger and bigger every day. Like that is not the thing. I needed it to happen because I just keep seeing people alone and I don't want it to happen anymore. I just keep watching people.

come to events, arriving alone and scared and vulnerable and leaving connected and feeling great about themselves, about their home, about the future, about the possibility of what can happen and feeling really hopeful for the first time. And I thought, I need to do this. I need to create this. This is gonna be my legacy. And that's a really deep thing. And I'm really sorry. don't wanna, you know, I'm getting emotional about it and I don't wanna.

Heather Tingle (14:20.11)
Put anyone in a downer because this is such a positive thing because we need more people in this room. We need more people to create this movement of you're not alone. You're not lazy. You're not failing because you can't tide your home and you're overwhelmed by clutter and life is really hard. That's not a failing on you. That's something that we can do together and we can make it happen. And that's what I want. So.

I know there are so many of you out there right now listening to this on a walk or while you're the doing the washing up or you're in the shower or the car or you're laying in bed scrolling at midnight. The number of you have never once said out loud to another human being being totally truthful. This is what my home looks like. This is how it feels. There's so many of you. And it doesn't have to be like that. It doesn't need to be so isolating. I want us to come together.

and share it. And I don't want this just to be an advert for Declutacon. That is not why I'm doing this. I want you to realise the power of community. And that's something you've got available to you right now, whether that's online, in local groups that we can find and support you with, or if you come to Declutacon, or you're in the Facebook group, you're not alone. You're part of the untangled community and we get it. I'm with you and things can change. So that's why I'm doing it.

And it's, not gonna lie, it is probably the hardest thing I'm ever gonna do in my life, but it's gonna be the vision in my head is coming into real life. It's happening. The date is now booked. D ClutterCon is happening on Saturday, the 10th of October at the Radisson Blue in Sheffield City Centre in England, UK. It is gonna be a full day event. It's capped for a maximum of eight people because I don't want the room to feel squished.

I want people to feel comfortable and have room to move around and be free. And it's designed by me to be the room I needed to be neurodivergent friendly, shame free, comfortable and as accessible as I can make it. And I looked at what I needed from an event to be and I'm doing everything I can to make it that event for me and for you. Not as a tick box exercise, not as a commercial thing for it, because this really is not a commercial thing.

Heather Tingle (16:46.158)
not anything as an afterthought, but the whole point that people come together as a community, we create a movement to drop that shame, to lighten that burden, lighten that load and walk out there feeling like you know what to do. You've got the knowledge to do it. You've got the skills to do it. And most importantly, you've got that lightness and the burdens being removed and you feel that you can now do it.

There's going to be some amazing speakers. I'm genuinely excited about the speakers I've got for you. And there's going to be some real practical things. And I don't mean actual physical things to take home because I don't want you to take more stuff away with you. But there's going to be some real things that you can take home and implement and use and try and see how it goes. Because I don't want you to just walk away with a notebook full of scribbles. Like that's not going to help anybody. So it's built differently. There's going to be a time for you to breathe.

to take time out, to walk around, to not be performing, okayness at anyone and masking the whole day where you've got to pretend to be a certain type of person and you've got to smile because you've got to look like you're enjoying yourself and you've got to converse and you've to do small talk and you've got to like, you know, get home and then your face hurts because you've absolutely exhausted from the day. Like we're not doing that. That's not what we're doing. I have.

just confirmed at MC for today. So someone who's gonna be the host with the microphone so that I don't have to stand up on stage all day with a microphone because I'm gonna be busy. I wanna be talking to you. I wanna be hugging you. If you hug, saying hello to you if you don't, making everyone feel comfortable. And obviously I'm gonna be doing some trainings for you as well. And I'm genuinely excited about the person that's MCing because little sneaky peak.

I know what an amazing addition they are. And they were one of the first people I was like, I want this person at my event because I know how great they are with people, how comfortable they make people. And that's what we need. And I've known them for quite a few years and they're a really safe pair of hands. So I'm looking forward to that. I also want to say something to those of that listening from outside the UK or maybe you can't leave your homes or for whatever reason you can't come to Declutcon. I mean, if you're in abroad, get a flight in, come and see us. I want to see you.

Heather Tingle (18:59.926)
Joking, sorry. Because I know you're there and I appreciate you and I love you as part of this community and I have not forgotten about you. We are working on ways for you to be part of this too. Can't give details just yet, but watch your space because there will be something for you. So make sure you are on my email list. Tickets are gonna be available now. Early bird pricing as we speak is currently still just about live. And I think there's a handful of tickets still left on the early bird pricing, which gives you 20 quid off.

There's standard tickets and VIP tickets, so there's different ways that you can be involved in the day, whatever suits your, what you need from the day and also budget. Paying free at the moment is still available as well. And if you're an Untangled Life member, you've got a discount waiting for you as well. And we are also opening up the Untangled Life membership wait list soon too, so make sure you're on that if you're interested and want to do like body doubling with us and stuff.

All the details and all that bump, I'm gonna put in the show notes, obviously. Apologies if this has been quite self-indulgent of me, but I am so committed to building something that really gets out there and hits everyone who needs it, that they're not alone. So if you can come, if you're thinking about it, if you need to ask me questions about it, please do.

Don't think about too long though because early bird pricing is not going be around for much longer and the room can only hold 80 people. That is our absolute maximum. But more on the practicalities later. So I hope if you have heard a bit about that today that you get it and you understand what I'm saying. If you are someone who is doing this alone, behind that door, shut, tight.

Heather Tingle (20:54.862)
For longer than you want to admit, this day's for you, this community is for you, we are with you. And you deserve to be in a room full of people who get it. You deserve to not do this alone by yourself. You do not need to struggle and work so hard by yourself because there are people that can help. And that's what we're building. And I would really want you and would love for you to be part of it in any way you can.

get this out there, share it, tell everybody about it. And remember there's a huge community in our Facebook group and it's a close private group for us to be real and honest and get the support that we need. So that community is always there for you. You're part of this untangled community just by listening to this. So reach out for us and remember you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and keep untangling.