Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions
A delicious podcast hosted by Lolly, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a blended family. She has three CIS daughters, one trans son, one trans stepson, one CIS stepson, a straight husband, a dog, a stepdog, a gay ex-husband, and a Carlos (ex-husband's husband.) Please join us as we explore the sweet, savory, and sometimes bitter offerings of life.
Laurel Shea (aka Lolly) is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Washington State. You can find more information regarding her therapy practice at https://www.laurelshea.com/.
Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions
The Power of Saying No and Embracing Authenticity
Setting boundaries in relationships is a vital skill, yet it’s often misunderstood. Imagine a world where asserting your personal limits isn’t seen as selfishness, but as an act of integrity and kindness. That's the journey I invite you to explore with me in this episode, as I draw from my personal experiences and insights from "The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People." We’ll explore essential rights like saying no and rejecting unsolicited feedback while using the analogy of boundaries as protective fences that define our comfort zones.
Understanding and recognizing unhealthy relationships can be tricky, especially when hidden under layers of manipulation and invalidation. We shed light on these dynamics and emphasize the importance of validating personal feelings and experiences within any relationship. By openly discussing common power struggles, I aim to help you identify and navigate these challenging situations while maintaining empathy and understanding. We'll also touch on the role of conflict as a natural and necessary component of healthy relationships, debunking the myth that harmony means an absence of disagreement.
Lastly, embracing self-acceptance and authenticity is key to nurturing healthy relationships. I encourage you to be your true self and to understand that anyone discouraging your authenticity might not have your best interests at heart. As a licensed mental health therapist, I share my perspective on the importance of self-respect and emotional safety, while urging those in need to seek professional support. Join me to uncover the transformative power of boundaries and to commit to fostering more authentic and healthy relationships in your life.
#Boundaries #SelfRespect #Authenticity #HealthyRelationships #ConflictResolution
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Logo Art by Kyle Rock - https://kylerockart.wixsite.com/website
Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions. Welcome to Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions. Lolly is a licensed marriage and family therapist and you are invited to join her as she delves into sweet, savory and sometimes bitter offerings of life. We hope you enjoy.
Speaker 2:Welcome again to Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions and, as I've been thinking about you know the different topics that I want to cover this one is one that I've been thinking a lot about and I think that there's a lot of people out there that can benefit from this. I really wish that I had known this a long time ago myself, and that is about dealing with people that really don't respect your boundaries, and you know, a lot of people are calling them toxic people, and sometimes when people hear that word, there's like it's a buzzword and they're like whatever. I don't even know what that is. But one thing from the beginning I should just say is that maybe one of the hardest things for me as a person has been when people like exploit my strengths against me and sometimes then your strengths become a weakness, and I think one of those was that, you know, I grew up thinking that most people were like me and that they would try to be kind and that they would not take advantage of other people and that they wouldn't be selfish. And not to say that I'm not selfish, because I think everybody you know has their moments, but in general, like, that's kind of the way that I try to roll like with kindness, like that's one of my core values as a person and I don't want to take advantage of people, I don't want to be selfish, and part of that's probably from like training at church, like don't be selfish, make sure that you're Christ-like, and I really sucked that message in. And I really sucked that message in. But it was also like a family value that my parents taught like how important being kind was, and so I just assumed that most people were like that and I think that given people that just benefit of the doubt has hurt me at times. And I'm not saying that you should have some sort of pessimistic outlook and assume that everybody's bad either.
Speaker 2:And I think that that's one of the hard things about life, about mental health, about therapy, is like it's always like somewhere in the middle. There's always like this, like fine balance that you're trying to find where you're not an extreme one way and you're not an extreme the of me, if I let them and trying to not swing the other way. So the concept I have a lot with clients is like this pendulum, like when you have lived to, like you know, say the far left and you let go of that pendulum, there's this tendency to swing to the far right. Not talking about politics necessarily here. You know just that we tend to go from one extreme to another and that's not fun because you don't really want to live in those extremes, and usually when you go from one extreme then you go to the other extreme and you usually do end up settling somewhere in the middle. But it's just nicer if you can just gently move from one side to like the middle area where you're establishing like healthy mental patterns. And so that would be my hope for like my own kids, as I've been trying to instill in them like the value of kindness, but also the value of boundaries and acknowledging when people are trying to take advantage of them.
Speaker 2:So what does that even look like? And it has taken me so long to even see it. But now that I am more aware of like the toxic patterns that show up around toxic people, I see it like everywhere now, like in TV shows. I'm like, oh, don't fall for that. Like that's, that person is just using you and manipulating you and and I don't know if I would have even had the words to describe it even a couple of years ago Like I would have watched like a TV show and I would have been like, oh, that person's not very nice, I don't like what they're doing. But I wouldn't understand exactly what they were doing or why, or what the person should do to stop it. I just, you know, watch with curiosity to be like, hmm, what's going to happen in this TV show? But now I'm like I have more words for it and more of an understanding of how to protect yourself from it.
Speaker 2:And a big part of that is about boundaries, which is hard, like boundaries are very hard, and that's something that, like, I've struggled with the majority of my life. Even the nice church people were telling me that I had a problem with boundaries and I remember my mission president. So I'm always like I don't know who's listening to this. If you're Mormon, you'll understand, but if you're not, so you know I was a Mormon missionary and the person over my mission was the mission president, and then he had a wife and the mission president's wife, which is like the title, which is kind of sad that you're the mission president's wife, that's your official title. But she called me painfully honest and I was like, oh, if the mission president's wife is calling me that that says something and because I thought that they weren't kind. You know, like boundaries aren't kind and the more that I've, you know, had to read about it, you know, in my job as a mental health professional and seeing it in my clients and then having to like use them in my own life, I've realized that boundaries are actually. They are kind like because they're showing what you're really thinking. They're showing what you're really feeling and you are actually having more integrity by having boundaries. And when I kind of made that shift, it was big for me because I was viewing boundaries as like saying no when people were asking me for things, and saying no is kind of bad if you can do it Right. So that was like the way I operated, like if I can possibly do anything for anybody, I should probably do it. And the interesting thing was actually, even as I'm speaking right now, I'm realizing that this narrative that I just told you is slightly incorrect, because for a while there I did have pretty good boundaries around certain things.
Speaker 2:When I was younger and I really got called out for having appropriate boundaries, people called me like selfish, when I was in no way being selfish. I was like offering an opinion on something. You know, like a bunch of friends are getting ready to choose where we're going to eat. No one's saying anything. So I offer an opinion, like, well, I'd like to go here, but you know, I'm fine going to other places too, and no one else gives an opinion. So we end up going where I want all the time, and then people have a problem with that, saying that I'm like overbearing. I'm like, hey, I told you, guys, I was fine going anywhere else, but no one else is speaking up, and so I got shamed for that. And I remember also one time, like with a coworker asking me if I could cover their shift and I had plans, and so I said, I'm sorry, I have plans, but later on that I don't know if you all remember the live journal days where people would blog their journals and put them online and I found this co-worker's journal online in which she was totally trash-talking me for not taking her shift, and I was really surprised. And so I started internalizing this feedback of like people don't like it.
Speaker 2:When you have an opinion, people are going to call you selfish and a jerk if you don't do what they've asked, and so, whenever possible, you should just do what people want, and that's just not healthy. That's just not healthy, that's just not good and it ends up really running you down and lowering your sense of self-respect, and so it's just kind of an unlearning of things. But I recently read this book and it was called like the Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People. And she I mean, obviously she's talking about dealing with toxic people, but she has this list of examples around boundary setting list of examples around boundary setting, and I just kind of want to read this, which you can get off of, like her website. I'll put a link in the show notes. But, um, she talks about the rights that you have and core values that you want to remember, and so here's some of these rights which a long time ago, would have blown my mind.
Speaker 2:I have a right to say no. I have a right to change my mind. Wow, that was huge for me, like what. You can change your mind and that's okay, and you don't even need to explain why you changed your mind, like, this is a right that every person should have, and I think if you find yourself being scared to say no or to tell somebody that you've changed your mind and you're worried about how they're going to respond, you might want to think about your relationship with that person. Because if it happens consistently, I would say sometimes everybody's going to, you know, get upset. But if consistently you're afraid of someone's reaction of like, oh, I'm going to have to tell them no and I'm really worried how they're going to respond, I would look at that relationship very closely. So another thing I have a right to be treated with respect. I have a right to reject unsolicited feedback, unsolicited advice, pressure or personal attacks. I love that. You have the right to reject personal attacks. You don't have to assume that the person is right about what they're saying about you. You have the right to exit toxic and abusive relationships. You have the right to exit toxic and abusive relationships. You have the right to feel and express your emotions in safe ways. You have the right to your beliefs, preferences and opinions, even if others disagree.
Speaker 2:And I think that that is also a key point of where I was getting hung up was I was responding to people's reactions to my boundaries and when people got upset about them, I assumed they were wrong, and that's not always the case. If it's your boundary, it's not wrong. So I think that a lot of people don't understand this concept. If you think of a boundary as like a fence, you know we've got your, you've got your property, you put up a fence to kind of keep people or animals or whatever out, and for you to also know what you're okay with, like what is yours, and when people have crossed over into something that's not theirs, and so like if it's like your personal fence of these are what I'm okay with. This is what I'm not okay with, and it's not okay when people cross over that line without your permission or your consent. So sitting with that and realizing that's going to be uncomfortable Because it really is it's still super uncomfortable for me. It really is.
Speaker 2:It's still super uncomfortable for me, like every time I'm like OK, I'm going to have to set this boundary and this person is not going to like it and they're probably going to have some strong emotions about it and I need to be OK with that. Like I need to be OK with other people. Having strong reactions to my boundaries doesn't make them wrong and it's not my job to manage their emotions by breaking down my own boundaries. So you know there's lots of sayings out there, like I've heard people say like don't, you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, that kind of stuff which I think I was operating under that way, like oh, you're a little chilly, let me just flame myself up here for you, and you just you can't operate for very long that way. You just you can't operate for very long that way.
Speaker 2:So an example here is it's OK for me to protect myself by canceling a commitment. I'm sure that there are going to be people that hear that and they're like oh, I don't think so. Like you got to keep your commitments. That's an important value that I have and I'd say okay, you know, it's okay that in general, you want to keep your commitments. But the key here is like, if you need to protect yourself by canceling a commitment, that's okay, because sometimes you learn something new and sometimes things change and your circumstances change, and so you should be able to have that freedom to cancel a commitment. And again, like I said, this balance. You don't want to just be like flaky and always canceling on commitments like that. That's not what it is with yourself enough to know you know what I committed to this, but it's actually going to hurt me if I follow through with this and so I'm going to have to cancel it, and so a lot of this comes down to knowing yourself and being in tune with your own needs.
Speaker 2:Here's some interesting things. It's okay for me to protect myself by relaxing and having fun. It's okay for me to protect myself by taking a break. Like these are kind of hard things, especially if you value like hard work. So it's about those extremes Like it's okay to value hard work. It's okay that that is if that's like one of your core values. But realizing that it's also okay to take a break. It's also okay to have fun. It's okay to ask for help if you're overwhelmed. It's okay to accept compliments and it's okay to reject insults that people put on you. It's okay to trust yourself and it's okay to trust your instincts and it's okay to protect yourself by cutting off relationships that are harmful. And you'll see people do this. Other people you might see and be like wow, how are they doing that? Or like that's amazing, or you could be judging them. I don't know people Because I didn't understand that there's this balance and that boundaries really are about integrity.
Speaker 2:So if you know somebody that has good boundaries, you know where they stand. You're not like wondering about it, like, are they just saying this to be nice? Are they just saying this? Are they saying this to be nice? Are they just saying this because they feel obligated? If someone has good boundaries, then when they tell you, sure I can do this, like you know it's coming from a genuine place and they're more trustworthy. And so having good boundaries makes you a more trustworthy person, filled with integrity, and to me that seems like a very important value to have, like should be like one of the, you know, top ones.
Speaker 2:So another thing about this is like how do you know if you are interacting with someone and they are toxic, doesn't have your best interest at heart and is more going to try to exploit you? So here's where the balance comes, because it's like you know I just said someone that doesn't have your best interest at heart. But if we all have our own best interest at heart, then how's that going to work right? Like if everybody is just out for themselves, then how are we going to get anything accomplished? And so that comes back down to finding that middle ground of being kind, being willing to give to other people, being willing to give to other people, looking out for others, but it's not doing anybody any favors when you are running yourself ragged and not being an authentic person.
Speaker 2:In doing like these acts of kindness or whatever however you want to to phrase it, it's. It's tearing you down and I don't know about you. But if someone were sacrificing something for me and I knew that in the process of doing that it was kind of slowly eroding their soul, I wouldn't want them to do that for me. If it's not a big deal for someone to like help me out, I'd really appreciate that. Yeah, like thank you. But if it's gonna like ruin like your whole day, then I think it should be okay to tell me like I'm sorry, I just can't do that Because there's just so much more trust that you can build in relationships when you know like I'll help you out when I can, I really do care about you. I want to help you out, and if I am not in a space to do that, then I will let you know and like those are the relationships that I feel safest in, are the ones where I know that they're going to be honest with me If I ask for help and they say yes, I know that they're coming from a place where they're healthy enough to do that, know that they're coming from a place where they're healthy enough to do that and that they want to and that it's not going to damage them.
Speaker 2:And so, like looking at you know healthy relationships versus unhealthy relationships. Like, a healthy relationship is one where you're mutually respecting one another and you validate one another's emotions, even if they're different. Like you can recognize, like my emotion is valid and so is yours, even if they're different. You have strong trust between the two of you and you can be fully and completely honest without being scared. You know that you can communicate openly with them without harm, without them freaking out or retaliating against you, and sometimes it's hard to see that in your own relationships. So that's like what the healthy side of it looks like.
Speaker 2:But if you're with somebody that's not healthy, then you get. You get like punished for communicating what your needs and your preferences are, and they might make jokes you know when it's not really funny and they're being passive, aggressive about that. They can like stop your communication by. There's so many different ways that they can stop your communication and I think that because there's so many different ways that people can turn things and twist them against you and manipulate you. That that's why it's important to pay attention to your feelings.
Speaker 2:Talking and someone's not giving you respect, or they're interrupting you constantly, or they're telling you that you're wrong, um, or they're like give you this like hot and cold behavior where you're just like, oh, are they? How are they gonna be today, um, or they're like mocking you, belittling your feelings, invalidating your experience and your perceptions of things. Like none of that is okay. And there are people out there that think that this is just normal and it's not. It's not okay. It's not okay, it's not healthy. And I mean when I say not normal, I know it happens a lot. So if you're saying that normal is that it happens a lot, then okay, but I don't think that it should be normal.
Speaker 2:I think that if you can recognize those as being unhealthy relationships and realize that you deserve a healthy relationship, you deserve to be in relationships in which you feel safe to communicate your truths and you know that you will be heard and you know that, even if they disagree with you, they're still going to hear you out and they're still going to you know, understand that your perception is valid and they're not going to make fun of you for that, they're not going to punish you for it, they're not going to like hold it against you, like years down the road, and I'm sure most people have experienced relationships like this, where you're like years down the road, and I'm sure most people have experienced relationships like this, where like, oh great, like I just said this thing and this is probably going to come up to bite me in the ass like maybe not tomorrow, but like maybe in a year, and it's just not healthy. It's good. So you know these unhealthy relationships. If you feel like there's like this power play going on, where, like someone's always trying to be like better than you or like assert power and dominance over you, um, that's not healthy, and I think that you could sit there and you can listen to this and you can be like yeah, yeah, no, I totally, totally agree, but then you don't see it in your own life, and so, again, I think it just comes back to knowing some fundamental truths, which is, your feelings are valid.
Speaker 2:And I say that all the time to my clients and I think some of them get sick of hearing it, especially in couples therapy because you know you've got two separate people talking. You've got two separate people talking and I think I think when people start couples therapy, like a lot of them have this hope that, like, the therapist is going to side with them and tell their spouse that, like, they're the relationship and not the individuals. And so the only exception would be, like if someone's clearly being abusive, in which case, like, it's not safe for them to be in therapy anyways, as a couple, like if you're in an abusive relationship, you know you shouldn't be in couples counseling, like you should be in individual therapy and getting the tools that you need in order to be strong enough to leave that abusive relationship in a safe way. And so you know, if a couples therapist sees that they really shouldn't be engaging in helping an abusive relationship to continue going forward, and that's, you know there's a lot of like ethics behind. You know how do you do that.
Speaker 2:In couples therapy with a therapist who is viewing the relationship as the client, then most of the time it's about like, okay, both of your views are valid, both of your feelings are valid. Now let's try and get you to be able to see each other's points of view and to communicate those with kindness and understanding. And how do you manage triggers? Because that's another thing. It's like you're talking, you're going to trigger each other and then emotions get out of control and but that's it. That's a whole, nother topic.
Speaker 2:But to just realize that you know people's feelings, everybody's feelings are valid and their points of view are valid, and there's a reason that they came to that conclusion, especially given their own life, their own lens, their own experience, and keeping that in mind is an important part of having a healthy relationship. If I step back and I remember who you are as a person and what you've been through and all of the trauma that you've had or all the experiences and this thing just happened, I can understand why you responded the way that you did. Maybe I wouldn't have responded that way, but that's because I have a different life experience and so that stuff doesn't upset me or I see it differently, but it doesn't make you right and then wrong. It just means your life's have been different and so you see the world differently. So that's why it's important to realize that everybody's feelings are valid. I mean, I guess there's always again, there's always extremes, like if you're talking about someone that's like a total and complete sociopath with no emotions, like okay, or somebody who is purposefully lying and trying to manipulate you.
Speaker 2:And so this is where it's hard because, like old me, I think I could have listened to this podcast and you pick and you choose the things that you are like, oh, that's a new concept, oh, I'll take that. Oh, that's a new concept, oh, I'll take that. And so, like I could see old me kind of being in maybe an unhealthy relationship but having focused on everybody's feelings are valid, and then being in an unhealthy relationship in which the person only considers their own feelings and, like keeps pushing their feelings and never recognizes yours as valid, and so feeling like, well, okay, what's my job? Like my job is to validate the other person's feelings. You know, because I heard that in lolly's candy store of emotions. So I'm gonna just validate. I'm like wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 2:Did you miss the beginning where I talked about like toxic people and things that they can do, where they can like manipulate you, and it's there's a lot of complexity to it? So it's never about like I will always, always, always validate every person's emotions, no matter what, because some at the expense of my own self, right, like that's not OK either. So it's like, if you ever find yourself thinking like why am I always the one that's apologizing here? Why am I always the one that feels like I'm in the wrong, like why am I always the one validating their feelings, that's a red flag. Like that, probably that's an unhealthy relationship, that probably that's an unhealthy relationship.
Speaker 2:So I'm talking about healthy relationships when I'm talking about both person's feelings are valid, where, like you kind of have this balance, your partners like sometimes one of you is like okay, yeah, I see where you're coming from. Yeah, okay, how could I do that better next time? And then the other person's like OK, yeah, I see where you're coming from. Yeah, ok, how could I do that better next time? And then the other person's like yeah, ok, yeah, I see where you're coming from. What can I do better next time? And there's just this working together and that's when it's good and important to realize that both people's feelings are valid.
Speaker 2:But when it's just so one-sided and the person's always it's always my emotions that are the most valid, and you can tell that, I should say, is when people start using excuses for their behavior, that is also a big red flag. So this is another fine line, because I realize I have ADHD, so there's a lot of stuff I really really struggle with and I do not want to be ableist in any way. But sometimes when people use things like well, I've got ADHD, so I can't help you do anything, like like that's, that's not okay either. Right, like. So where do we find the compassion of like okay, I don't want to be ableist. Like I want to recognize that you have limitations, you have like an executive functioning disorder, so I shouldn't have these unrealistic expectations for you. Yeah, that's very fair and important to remember Constantly use it to get out of things and putting all of the responsibility onto another person.
Speaker 2:Like that's, you know, weaponized incompetence, and so that's not OK either. So it's the balance, like of being kind, understanding things, that ADHD is real. It is an executive functioning disorder. People need to be given understanding and compassion around those things and to not be treated like they're some neurotypical individual individual. But also you should be aware of weaponized incompetence when people are using it to manipulate others and to not help when they could. That's the problem when they're just taking advantage. And so you know, hopefully some of these examples are showing you like you've got to be super careful about these extremes, and the best way to do it is just pay attention to how you feel and to just be. If you don't feel heard, you don't feel seen, you don't feel validated, if your concerns are not being listened to, then that's a good indicator that that relationship is not healthy and I think you know on that. That would be probably a good time for me to take a break and get some water and honor my own self, so I'll be back in a minute. If you are enjoying Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions, maybe consider going to my Patreon page and checking that out. There will be some things there that you might find interesting and I really appreciate your support from just listening, and if you want to donate, that's always appreciated as well. Thanks, welcome back.
Speaker 2:I have been reflecting and thinking that the next good segue here after what I was, just keep our boundaries, and I think a lot of it is due to the emotions that it brings up within us. So a lot of individuals are conflict avoidant, like they don't want to have any conflicts, and when they see it coming, they might like shut down, they might go the other direction, they might panic. This is so common for people, and there's a lot of reasons why that's the case. Like maybe you grew up learning from like maybe you had a toxic parent who taught you that it doesn't matter what you say or what you do. They don't care. So, like you learned early on that if you stood up for yourself and engaged in some conflict, that it would end very badly for you, like very poorly. And and then if you have another relationship like that, where every time you bring something up and it results in conflict and then they make you pay for it right, like they make you pay for the conflict that you brought up, of course you're going to be conflict avoidant because it has never paid off for you. And this happens so much for my clients that I think it's important to acknowledge coping mechanism, because it doesn't pay off to engage in conflict if that person is going to be harmful to you. And so you know, if you find that you are averse to conflict, that could be something to explore, like past relationships that taught you that it wasn't worth it to bring it up.
Speaker 2:Another reason people might be avoiding conflict is just the concept that conflict is bad, like you should be so agreeable, and that anybody that is in a good relationship, they never have conflict, and that is just so not true, because conflict is an important part of any healthy relationship, because if there's no conflict at all, that means someone's probably running someone over, you know, like bulldozing their own opinion, just like I was saying before, or they're too scared to share their opinion, because maybe the relationship isn't necessarily unhealthy.
Speaker 2:But maybe there's one person in the relationship that is like so afraid that if they did share what they thought that the person wouldn't love them anymore, that they would see who they really were and decide well, I don't like you, and so it's sometimes safer to be like well, I'll just hide these things that are potentially, you know, going to cause conflict, because that makes me vulnerable to talk about it, and maybe this person I care about won't like the vulnerable person that I am. They won't like who I really am when I'm honest, and so that's another reason people might avoid conflict. But that also erodes at relationships, because you can only like stuff, that stuff down for so long and then it kind of explodes. Person that you're with is like whoa, how come we've been together for like five years and everything's been fine and you haven't had any problems whatsoever and now, all of a sudden, everything I do you have an issue with, you're like well, that's because I was quiet for five years and never told you any of my problems. And I can't do that anymore. And it's very confusing problems and I can't do that anymore. And it's very confusing for the other person to be like well, I thought we had such a good relationship and it was because you weren't telling me what was going on within you. Like do I even know you like? I'm just like, if, if you're a client of mine and you're like why is she telling the story that I just? I'm like no, it's because this is like such a common thing that shows up all the time in therapy. So, like, I'm not telling your story, I promise. There's just so many people that this happens to.
Speaker 2:So I would say don't avoid conflict. It's not necessarily bad when it's done in a healthy way. So there's some like examples of like. You know, if someone's telling you like that you are being overly sensitive or that you're too dramatic, that is not OK either and this excuse me, that seems to come up a lot too for people where they're like that gets weaponized against them. I see it especially with women who, like, if they start crying, then like their partners like hate it when you cry, like you're just trying to like make me feel bad or you're just trying to manipulate me and like that's okay.
Speaker 2:Maybe there might be some people that use fake tears, but that's when you pay attention to how you feel. But most people are not going to be crying because they're good actors or actresses and they're trying to manipulate you, and so when you say that to them, it's very dismissive, it's telling them like it's not OK for you to feel what you're feeling and I don't believe you and it's very damaging. I don't believe you and it's very damaging. And so say, instead of like feeling like, oh, I'm the problem for being too sensitive, like maybe step back and look at it, the situation objectively. And that's when you need to review. You know the rights and your boundaries and to see like, were some of them violated? Were you, like pressured into something? So you need to kind of start to be mindful of your own emotions, your own triggers, your own what's happening within your body, um, and if you're like, no, I, I am crying right now because I feel triggered, like there's absolutely nothing wrong with you expressing emotion because you were triggered, and so when people can't be empathetic towards that and can't sit with you in that, that is a sign of a big problem.
Speaker 2:Another thing is, if you're always trying to people please, like in order to avoid negative consequences, that's a big red flag. So, people pleasing there's lots of people pleasers out there, right Like we like people to like us and so like that's a normal thing. So here we are again trying to find that balance of like what does that look like in an unhealthy relationship? What does—and basically like when you are trying to please someone because you're worried about how they're going to respond, and not that you're like worried that you want everybody to like you. So here's the difference Like you have to be able to sit with discomfort.
Speaker 2:You have to be able to say things and realize that some people aren't going to like you for that, and that has to be okay. Like, not everybody is going to like you for that, and that has to be okay. Like, not everybody's going to like you. There's like, not one person in the whole world that everybody loves. Like not one. I mean, jesus was killed Like nobody. You know, I can't think of any individual that everyone agrees was a fantastic human. So you're going to say stuff that people aren't going to agree with, and if you're constantly like, oh, I've got to say the thing that everybody's going to like, then you're always going to be wondering what that thing is and you're going to still get it wrong sometimes because you're guessing on what the right thing to say is, and that that is really not fun when, like, you're guessing about what the right thing is and it's not even something that you really want or believe, and then it's not even what that person wants to hear and it's just just gross and messy.
Speaker 2:So the best thing to do is stand in your truth. Like Brene Brown says, you know, don't shrink, don't puff up, but stand your sacred ground. And I think about that all the time. So it's like that all the time. So it's like in people pleasing, like we shouldn't be doing, like we need to stand our sacred ground, and if that makes people upset, then as long as you are living according to your values, then that's okay.
Speaker 2:So when, if you find yourself people-pleasing and doing like what we call like the fawning response, so you've got fight, fight, freeze, appease or fawn. If they're fawning in order to, like, avoid someone's wrath. That's not healthy, that's not good. And that's another like huge red flag about your relationship and like you're always wanting to make the other person's feelings a certain way, that's also a problem. Like you have to be able to allow the other person to have some negative emotions and so you know, if your conflict avoidant and a friend or your partner or whatever starts showing some negative emotions and you can't handle those negative emotions, if you're thinking I've got to fix this or this is my fault or this isn't OK, it starts creating a really harmful dynamic in which the person that's experiencing negative emotions learns like you're not a safe person to share their real feelings with, because you can't handle the discomfort of uncomfortable feelings. And that is a skill that takes to be able to sit there with uncomfortable feelings and to not feel defensive about them, to not run away from them, to not dismiss them, to not change the subject.
Speaker 2:There's so many things that people do when uncomfortable feelings come up and it really is a sign of emotional maturity and love if you can sit with someone in their uncomfortable feelings and just validate that and just be like tell me some more so I can understand, like you're listening, to learn from them what their experience is like. And that's a safe person where you're, like I can come to this person ugly, messy, angry, fearful and they're going to sit there with me and they're going to validate my feelings and they're not going to tell me I'm wrong and I'm not going to have some horrible backlash because of what I've shared. I'm not going to get punished for what I've Because of what I've shared. I'm not going to get punished for what I've shared. I'm not going to get run away from or avoided or given the silent treatment, but that they really care about me Enough to know me and my feelings. And that's like a huge gift To give someone.
Speaker 2:And it's hard. It's hard to do that Because a lot of times we might feel defensive, because, especially if the conflict is about us, like of course, you're going to feel defensive. So that's when you've got to like take some deep breaths and kind of put your defensiveness on a shelf and sit with them until you understand where they're coming from. And, amazingly enough, that usually solves a lot of the problems, like I have found this to be very true with, like, my husband Jake, where I be like I just need you to listen. And he's a fixer like I think a lot of people are, and so like he would want to try to fix things, and I'm like I don't want you to fix it, I just want you to listen to it. And so he's gotten really good at that, like okay, this is the time you just want me to listen. I'm like, mm-hmm, I don't want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.
Speaker 2:And it's kind of funny how, if he can just sit there and listen to me and I'm a talker, obviously I've been sitting here talking to myself and nobody else around for like a while now. So your sympathy can go out to Jake, because I can definitely go on these long monologues and he has. He sits there and listens and then, once I'm done, I'm like I feel better. He has really basically done nothing, but just sit and listened to me and like sometimes, like do you want me to hold you? And I'm like, yes, and so then I'm just like crying and talking and then everything's better, like just having someone witness my feelings and being like, oh, that sounds hard, oh, that's unfortunate.
Speaker 2:I can see why you'd feel that way, like most of the time that's all I need. I can see why you'd feel that way. Like, most of the time that's all I need and I would bet a lot of the time that's what people want. That's all they want, and if they want you to fix it, they'll ask. They'll be like what do you think I should do? Like they'll actually ask you a question and that's your cue to like give your opinion. But aside from that, most of the time it's about listening. So I really would just encourage anybody listening to this to just know your rights as a human, your right to boundaries, your right to say no, your rights to change your mind and be in tune with yourself around your relationships like what it is, and and to know that you don't have to stay in relationships that are harmful to you.
Speaker 2:Um and again, just to reiterate a lot of this, you know kind of what I'm reviewing came from the, the book, the highly sensitive person's guide to Dealing with Toxic People, and the author I'm afraid to say the name because I'm sure I'm going to mess it up. It's like Shahida Arabi, like it's A-R-A-B-I, but I'll put that in the show notes. I think it's a good book and I would recommend it. It's a good book and I would recommend it, especially if you think like you've got some toxic people in your life and you probably do, because there's a lot of toxic people out there.
Speaker 2:Just read it and be brave and be strong and know that it's OK to be yourself and there's nothing wrong with you, it's OK to have feelings, it's okay to show up as yourself and anybody that tells you otherwise is not a friend, and that's, I would say, a pretty strong statement that I'm going to stand by, and I appreciate you listening and I hope you'll join me again next week. Thanks, thank you for listening and, as always, I'd just like to remind everyone that, while I am a licensed mental health therapist, the information shared in this podcast is just my personal opinion and is not professional or therapeutic advice, and listening to it doesn't mean I'm your therapist either. So if you need help, please seek help from your local professional. Thank you.