Death, Dying, and Grief - The Wind Phone: A Symbol of Connection with Russell Young

In this conversation, Russell Young shares his profound experiences with death, grief, and the importance of community support. He reflects on the impact of losing loved ones, particularly his father and wife, and how these experiences shaped his understanding of life and death. We also highlight his installation of a 'wind phone' on his church's property, a symbolic gesture that allows individuals to communicate with lost loved ones. Russ emphasizes the significance of maintaining connections, whether through imagination or belief, and the role of community in navigating grief. He shares insights on resilience, the healing power of memories, and the importance of living in the present.
Russ has been a member of Columbine United Church since 2017 and a volunteer at Nourish Meals on Wheels since 2016. He is also an Uncle to two nieces in Littleton, Co, where he currently lives.
The Colorado Gazette recently posted an article about a wind phone that had been installed in our local community.  We first heard about wind phones when Ira Glass reported on this in his series, This American Life.  “One Last Thing Before I Go” was a tribute to  Itaru Sasaki, a Japanese man devastated by the loss of his cousin. In 2010, he set up an old-fashioned phone booth with a nonworking rotary phone in his garden. Calling his cousin on the Kaze No Denwa, translated as The Telephone of the Wind. In a manner, moving his grief through a telephone. We asked Russ to join us when we heard that he was the one who installed the local wind phone

My Wind Phone website
Nourish Meals on Wheels

Transcript

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Wakil (00:04.347)
Welcome everyone. Today we're really glad to be speaking with Russ Young. Russ was born in 1952 in Medford, Massachusetts, and grew up in Hialeah, Florida. He enlisted in the United States Air Force in 1972 and moved to Colorado after his honorable discharge in 1977. He worked as a picture framer and joined the U.S. Postal Service in 1955 and he retired in 2009 with 30 years of service as a federal employee.

Thank you, Russ. He was married in 1982, divorced in 1986, and in 1998, was remarried to Patricia Doyle until her death at the beginning of 2024. He's been a member of the Columbine United Church since 2017 and a volunteer at Nourish Meals on Wheels since 2016. He is also an uncle to two nieces in Littleton, Colorado, where he currently lives. And let you know, we will edit things as needed. All right.

Annalouiza (01:20.716)
The Colorado Gazette recently posted an article about a wind phone that had been installed in our local community. We first heard about wind phones when Ira Glass reported on this in his series, This American Life. The one last thing before I go was a tribute to Itaru Sasaki, a Japanese man devastated by the loss of his cousin. In 2010, he set up an old-fashioned phone booth with a non-working rotary phone in his garden.

He spent time calling his cousin on the kaze no denwa, translated as the telephone of the wind, in a manner moving his grief through this telephone. We asked Russ to join us when we heard that he was the one who installed the local wind phone here in Littleton.

Russell Young (01:56.957)
Hmm.

Wakil (02:10.108)
Yeah, welcome, Russ.

Annalouiza (02:10.466)
Thank you so much. Yes, thank you for joining us.

Russell Young (02:11.709)
Hey, you're welcome. Good morning. Thank you for the invite.

Annalouiza (02:17.676)
Yes.

Wakil (02:18.454)
Yeah, we love these conversations. We're so blessed to have so many amazing people to talk to. We always begin our conversations by asking when you first became aware of death.

Russell Young (02:32.881)
Boy, you know, probably the first time it really hit me was when my father passed away. I was 13. So I thought he was an old man at the time, y’know, 54. And then as I, as I've gotten older, I realized what a young individual he was. So that was my first real ddealing with death. And so it was just me and my mom, I have three siblings, but they're all nine, 12, and 15 years older than I am, so was just the two of us. So, yeah, you know, so mom, she always said that was the best mistake she ever had.

Wakil (03:21.286)
Yeah, yeah. We have a third daughter in our lives, which we said the same thing to.
Yeah, that's beautiful. Well said.

Annalouiza (03:31.764)
It is. So Russ, in this trajectory of your life, you've probably thought about your father occasionally and how young he was, tell us how death has impacted the story of your life in general. Like how have you come to this moment?

Russell Young (03:47.581)
Well, I consider myself a realist and let's face it, death is real. It's part of our life cycle. I was touched here not too long ago, 2008 as a matter of fact. I lost the sister that was 12 years older than I am. Karen passed away at the age of 66 when a cancer came back to her and by the time she found out about it was already stage four. 

And I can remember getting a phone call from her daughter, my niece, and saying, you know, you need to come out if you want to see her. And I was kind of hemming and hawing and I said, well, I'll see if I can get time off here next month or whatever. She interrupted me mid-sentence. goes, Russell, Uncle Russell, you need to come out now.

And so that was, that was a, you know, kind of a dope slap, if you will. And so I made arrangements and, and got out there as soon as possible. And she was still, I mean, doing well, you wouldn't know. and, my wife and I, Patty and I went out there and I was working and we playing cornhole and drinking beer. And she was sitting in a lawn chair with a smile on her face an sSunshine, which out in Ohio sometimes doesn't exist. 

So it was a beautiful day and got to spend some quality time with her. And then I had to go and my Patty stayed out there and I'm glad she did because within two weeks she was gone. But she was in hospice care with her daughter who is long-term care. I mean, it worked out perfectly. They live out in the country. So Karen got to die the way she wanted te out and they back up to her cornfield and she loved that. 

And so that's just, you know, it was a good way that she wanted to go that way. She wanted to be in a serene community with her daughter surrounded by friends. And so I've always thought about that, you know, we can never choose how we go. But when you start to think about it, yeah, I'd like to be able to have a few weeks to see relatives, close friends and have a smile and share a laugh and then leave this mortal world. And I firmly believe in the resurrection and I firmly believe I will meet up with people whom I've lost in life and that someday we'll all be together again. It'll be a different shape or form, but I just firmly believe that. How it's going to be, I don't know, but we'll all meet again.

Wakil (06:47.623)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, beautiful. Thank you. Well, that's a good way to move into telling us more. Can you tell us a story of this wind phone that you put up and what inspired you to do so? Or what is the work that you do now that relates to this death and dying in your life? It sounds like that's a big project that you did for some. And tell us about that.

Russell Young (07:16.945)
Yeah, sure. As a Christian man, I just believe very much in service, and I'm blessed to be part of an ecumenical church that is Presbyterian USA, United Methodist, and United Church of Christ. And we like to call ourselves a quirky congregation that takes the Bible seriously, but not literally and we invite everybody to come worship with us and to join with us in communion. Steve has been performing gay marriages there, gosh, since the 90s. We're just a very open and affirming church, and we believe we are all God's children. So this is, I love my community of faith.
And that's led me to go into volunteerism with Nourish Meals on Wheels, which is in Littleton, Colorado. I know you were talking about Annalousa that you're from here. So you probably know where Arapahoe Road and Broadway are. And we're right there and we serve this whole South Denver area for people that want to remain independent.

And so we changed our name here not too long ago. I say we, I was on the board of directors for a while and I work in the kitchen and deliver meals, but people want to remain independent and we help them by showing their faces at their door. We might be the only people they see during the course of the day. you know, they're nearing the point of time as the end of their life gets there. 

So to see a smiling face with a good meal, we were so blessed to have an extraordinary chef. These aren't your cafeteria meals that we're serving. And we do more than just that. We've got Christmas time coming up so we have what we call the 12 days of giving leading up to Christmas. that's every day people will get a shawl or some sort of gift that people have made and it brings them joy, brings them happiness. It gives them a meaning to their day and to their life. 

And plus the fact that once a month we also do two bags of groceries, whether that be paper products food for their furry friend, cat or dog, because that keeps them company. So, you know, that again, that thing of service, and that just led all the way to, we have a little memorial garden in our church. so people have spread their ashes of their loved ones out there. And there are benches dedicated to members that they've lost, plaques with names of people.

And it's, it was built, golly, Moses, 40 plus years ago, it's a little bridge in it. It's just a real calm, reflective place that, that people, and it's open for anybody. It's not just church members. It's, backs up to an open area so anybody could use it. And, you mentioned to Ira Glass earlier and I love, I love that show. I listen to it often, but, but what I've first heard was on a Sunday morning news program, if you will, and they did a thing about that gentleman putting it, I think it was an old English red phone booth up there that people could use to call. I just, gosh, what a beautiful idea. 

Now I didn't go that elaborate, I just put a six by six in the ground and put a post on it and found an old rotary phone, which I thought maybe our youngsters nowadays would just have a fit over trying to figure out how to turn that dial. Yeah, exactly. But it does read on there what he put. And it just says if I could read what's on there.

Wakil (11:59.302)
Yes, please.

Russell Young (12:00.933)
It says that this phone is for everyone who has lost a loved one. This phone is an outlet for those who have messages they wish to share with their lost friends and family. It is a phone for memories and saying goodbyes you never got to say. So I put that in, want to, when was it? It was the summer of 22. 

And I've had our associate pastor, Church, came up to me one day and our church backs right up to an elementary school. She goes, Russ, I want to share this with you. She goes, there's a grandmother picks up her grandson every day, but they walk through the fence and pick up the phone and he talks, talks to a, she told her, but I, take that back. It's, it's with her mother and they walk through and the child wants to pick up the phone and talk to her grandmother. She goes, so it's, it's being put to use. And I went, what a blessing. That's exactly what it's there for. So I thought that was cool that here's this, you know, elementary school child that gets to talk to his grandmother now. So yeah, brings a tear to your eye.

Wakil (13:11.974)
Wow. It does. So beautiful. Thank you.

Annalouiza (13:15.99)
I do love the idea that a mechanism can help us feel more comfortable in reaching out to a loved one, right? Like it's this child who picks up the phone, talks to grandma. Nobody's on the other side, but there's still so much that that child wants to express to grandma. And I absolutely adore that.

Wakil (13:38.128)
Yeah, that's so great.

Russell Young (13:38.205)
And whether that's an imagination or maybe as we get older, it's a belief. I think it's probably more a belief system for me now, whereas that child is just using their imagination, which might grow into that belief, if you will. Because, you know, I lost my wife the beginning of this year. She passed away in January. And so little did I know that in a year and a half, I'd be using it to talk to her.

Wakil (14:06.066)
Yeah.

Russell Young (14:06.299)
So I do every Sunday. Yeah.

Wakil (14:09.207)
That’s so sweet. Yeah, it turns out imagination and reality aren't that far apart.

Russell Young (14:16.227)
Amen. Yeah.

Annalouiza (14:19.148)
Russ, this is a very private question, and if you don't want to answer it, you don't have to. But I'm curious, what do you talk to your wife about?

Russell Young (14:28.677)
No, it's not a private question at all. That's fine. I usually start out, it's a beautiful day in Colorado, but you know that you're seeing me, you know? 

Annalouiza (14:37.644)
Ha ha ha.

Wakil (14:39.154)
Yeah.

Russell Young (14:58.083)
So I usually don't have new information except to tell her I miss her, I love her. And she was very spiritual. And I didn't realize how spiritual she was until after she died. And I came across
old newsletters, classes that she'd intended before we were married. And she firmly, firmly believed that she would be able to talk to the people left here on earth if she were to die. 

So I accept that reality. And that's what makes it even easier for me to have the communications with her. She's, I can feel that she's helped me along. Just little things that, you know, we all have our strengths and weaknesses in life. I could do one thing, some things better, I thought, than she could. And I knew she could do other things better than I could. And I find myself wanting to hit my head against the wall because I go, I don't know how to do this, help me. 

And sometimes she's still talking to me. You'll figure it out. We got this. So we just talk about family, talk about the day and just talk about how much I miss her. I knew these holidays were going to be rough, but you mentioned earlier in the podcast here about my two nieces. And we always used to call them our girls.

We don't have children of our own, so we adopted her sister's kids as our own, but they are our nieces, but they're not girls. They're 28 and 35, and so they're beautiful young women who helped me dramatically get through the time after Patty's death and took care of things. 

Wakil (16:51.164)
Hmm.

Russell Young (16:56.431)
But over at their house for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Igot the Christmas decorations up and, you know, a tier or three were shed as I would expect. And I've got no problem that, that just, God gave us the ability to shed a tier. I embrace it when I can think of her and do that. then, okay, life is for the living. Let's get down with it. yeah, we, so I talked to her here recently about that as a matter of fact.

Wakil (17:20.038)
Yeah, yeah.

Russell Young (17:25.893)
She said, it's all right, it's okay. Good, I'm glad you shed a tear for me.

Wakil (17:27.76)
Yeah. Sweet. So sweet. So important. Thank you. Wow, what great stories. What would you say are your biggest challenges in both in working with the, do you have any challenges around, there any people who are like, what the heck is that about? You know, the phone thing or other challenges with talking to people about end of life?

Russell Young (17:58.229)
I haven't come across, no one has said anything like that. So, maybe I'm fortunate there. Sometimes they will maybe, but, so far so good. challenges for me is just, you'd be surprised, or not surprised. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's amazing what triggers an emotion of some sort.

You know, they talk about smell is a very strong emotion. To me, it's music. I've always loved music, but some song will come on and it'll just it will just trigger something. And whether that emotion is a smile and you remember good times or where you were when you heard that song or your first dance or whatever. And you go, gosh, I miss that. 

But I am so grateful I had that. that's, you know, I might've sent you a poem that was read at her service. 

Wakil (19:01.458)
Yeah.

Annalouiza (19:07.799)
yeah, the Margaret Mead poem.

Russell Young (19:27.773)
And yes, and that is just that, Patty would have said that. I mean, it's a beautiful poem about, you know, I can't hear whatever, but I can still listen. And so you were talking about the phone. I firmly believe she's listening to me when I when I talked to her. And I don't even need the phone. I just sit there because I do, every day I start off with silent meditation. I don't know if you two have heard of Insight Timer. I found that app to be very, very good. I love it. And then just light a candle and do 15 minutes or whatever I feel like I need that day.

And then another daily meditation for me involves Richard Rohr. 

Annalouiza (19:58.582)
Mm-hmm. All hail Ror. Yeah.

Wakil (20:02.097)
Yeah.

Russell Young (20:23.505)
He is, he is, my gosh, to me he is phenomenal. And like I said, I put Patty into to the hospital on New Year's Eve of last year and within two weeks she was gone from lung disease. It was quick and we neither one of saw it coming. But this year, Richard Rohr’s theme along with Brian McLaren in his Center for Action and Contemplation, has been radical resilience, which has been spot on perfect for me. How do we get through a hurricane of emotions, if you will, and bend and not break? How do you continue through life when something like that is tragically taken from you that you love and cherish so much?

How do we keep going? And his daily meditations have been so, good. my brother lives down in Texas, but if something just hits the spot that day, we'll email each other with, Doug, did you read that today? Russell, boy, that was so good. 

Wakil (21:06.118)
Haha.

Annalouiza (21:06.988)
Hahaha

Wakil (21:09.028)
Yeah.

Annalouiza (21:11.981)
beautiful.

Russell Young (21:22.107)
I just, you and that's between the strong church community, between the strong fellowship I have with the people at Nourish. Meals on Wheels between family. And I've also done something, a friend of mine got me to go to Grief Share, which has been very good about people who have lost loved ones. And it's kind of a group therapy thing. 

But that's been very instrumental another person that has come into my life and she recently lost her husband. And so it's good to have someone my own age who has been through the same thing, has been there and done that. And she's already gone through a year of the holidays and she's kind of guided me along and that's been a blessing. It truly has.

Because I must admit if I can share a quick story, I earlier this year, I just said I needed to get away and I did about 3,800 miles in my vehicle and drove out to Alabama to visit a sister and drove up through Ohio, up to Michigan to cousins. 

And then we had another celebration of life ceremony in Chicago where Patty grew up for people that could not attend her service here in Denver. I drove through South Dakota and then back home. And I got home and I realized the progress that I was making dealing with Patty's death had kind of leveled out. I had plateaued. And so I prayed about it and I just...

Russell Young (23:22.589)
I said, man, I need wisdom. You know the struggle I'm going through, God. I know you do. And I just, need to push. need help. And on a couple of occasions, I had met this person but wasn't paying any attention. And then I had, we did, it was changing routes at Nourish Meals on Wheels. There's so many different routes. And I was gonna do someone else's route.

Wakil (23:26.3)
Mm-hmm.

Russell Young (23:52.721)
She wanted to volunteer and so I said, well, let's do a ride along so you know where you're going. And that's when I found out she lost her husband and told her about my wife and we're sitting at a sandwich shop that she wanted to go to and we're both eating our sandwiches and looking at each other and crying. 

Wakil (24:13.881)
Beautiful, beautiful.

Russell Young (24:20.635)
And well, it really was, it was eye-opening and, and then I kind of went home and I went, dude, open your eyes. God is working and you're not paying attention.

Wakil (24:31.014)
Haha. Yeah

Russell Young (24:48.273)
So it was an eye-opening moment for me. yeah, she's become a very good friend and helped me get through some tough times and vice versa. mean, you, when you know, we're in love and we don't forget. You're always going to remember that one, especially at this time of year. If you're putting ornaments on a tree and you see one that, I don't know, that my mother had bought for me when got married, you know, and you hang that and you think back. But you think back with a smile on your face of the love you shared. And you're grateful that for that time you had together. And I always come back to a phrase that

Wakil (24:54.887)
Yeah.

Russell Young (25:18.737)
that I've just always learned to love and repeat often that yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why they call it the present. So live for today. Live for today. Yeah.

Wakil (25:31.218)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Each moment is a blessing, I agree. Yeah.

Annalouiza (25:31.771)
Hahaha. I love that. Yes. I just want to comment that it sounds like this phone is the the big symbol of communicating not only what we feel inside, but communicating with others, right? Like so talking about grief, sharing what's in your heart is really both the wisdom path, the grief path the family path, like it just, you know, all of what you've told us today, you've shared has just been about communicating.

Wakil (26:09.67)
Yeah, yeah. And being with each other, carrying each other. that's so important. That's one of the things we often come back to is how important it is to take care of each other and know that you're being cared for, as you said, which is, and pay attention to that. Yeah, notice that. So very important. Yeah. Yeah.

Annalouiza (26:24.568)
The present, the present, yes. So we were wondering, would you like to read your poem or would you like us to read your poem?

Russell Young (26:40.699)
I'd be glad to read it. And actually,

Annalouiza (26:44.344)
All right. We'd love that.

Wakil (26:47.282)
We could just really quickly before we end ask if there's anything you wish we'd asked you that we didn't get to. Because we have a little bit of time here.

Russell Young (26:53.797)
Yeah. I, I, I, I love that part. I'd listening to your other podcasts. said, what a great question.

You know, I can't think of anything right off the top of my head. I almost feel like I've talked too much and taken up so much time. But no, I think you've covered all the bases.

Annalouiza (27:21.74)
You know, it is the point. And what I just said was very true. I really enjoyed listening to your story and the whole story. Everything that you've told us has been really a blessing for me today. 

Wakil (27:36.967)
Yeah.

Annalouiza (27:51.5)
So all of it's been so delightful and recognize that your words and your voice may actually help somebody else. Like that's what we're hoping that this podcast will do. These stories will let somebody open their heart or you know, find the grief sharing space so that it feels homey and normal and not isolating and sad, right? I mean, well, not sad, but isolating and alone, I guess.

Russell Young (28:02.949)
Yeah, yeah, it's so, you know, the old cliche where, you know, time heals all wounds and, it'll get better over time. Well, it's true, but that first few weeks or whatever, you just don't want to hear that. 

Wakil (28:03.612)
Yeah, yeah.

Russell Young (28:30.481)
And to be able to have the strength of family has been extremely valuable to me. And to have a community that you can share and be with. You know, I had so many invites for people, well, come over for supper, come over for this or that. And I must admit, it took me a while before I went, yes, because I just didn't want that. But again, radical resilience in Richard Rohr and just meditations and going through the grieving process. 

I'm lucky I have a great deal of faith. I think that was hugely instrumental to getting to the point where I am now. I'm not saying I'm over everything. It's a new normal. 

Wakil (29:12.462)
It takes time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Russell Young (29:29.809)
It's a new normal, if you will. It's never going to get back to be the same. And that's okay. We're just like the universe, right? It's ever-changing, ever-expanding, and every day is different.
It's a new normal, if you will. It's never going to get back to be the same. And that's okay. We're just like the universe, right? It's ever-changing, ever-expanding, and every day is different.
Change is inevitable, growth is optional. So I choose to try to grow in a positive way through all this. But yeah, this poem was at Patty's celebration of life and there was another one, but my two nieces, they both read one of these… 

Wakil (29:37.862)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, thank you.

Russell Young (30:00.155)
But I just thought this was spot on and I could hear Patty saying this.

It’s called Remember Me. 

To the living, I am gone. To the sorrowful, I will never return. To the angry, I was cheated. But to the happy, I'm at peace. And to the faithful, I have never left. I cannot speak, but I can listen. I cannot be seen, but I can be heard. So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea. As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity, remember me. Remember me in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories of the times we loved, the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed. And if you always think of me, I will have never gone. 

I just love that.

Wakil (30:55.324)
Yeah, so beautiful.

Annalouiza (30:54.552)
Mm-hmm. I didn't realize Margaret Mead was a poet as well. She's so freaking cool.

Russell Young (30:59.893)
isn't that amazing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that to me, I read that and I said that's just spot on. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So take the good memories and yeah.

Annalouiza (31:11.01)
I will never be gone. Yeah.

Wakil (31:15.066)
Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you again for joining us today. It's been such a pleasure. We've really enjoyed our time with you.