Navigating the world of blended families can feel like a high-wire act. Blending a family is more than just getting hitched. It involves uniting not one but two sets of children, each with their own expectations and anxieties. Trust us, we’ve been there. From the triumphs to the trials, join Cleveland and me as we bring our personal experiences to the table and unpack the complexities of merging families. We talk about the highs and lows of co-parenting, the significance of setting boundaries, and communication's key role in ensuring a harmonious family dynamic.
Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com
Navigating the world of blended families can feel like a high-wire act. Blending a family is more than just getting hitched. It involves uniting not one but two sets of children, each with their own expectations and anxieties. Trust us, we’ve been there. From the triumphs to the trials, join Cleveland and me as we bring our personal experiences to the table and unpack the complexities of merging families. We talk about the highs and lows of co-parenting, the significance of setting boundaries, and communication's key role in ensuring a harmonious family dynamic.
Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com
This is Cleveland.
Speaker 2:And this is Lindsay.
Speaker 1:And this is another episode of the Devil. You Don't Know.
Speaker 2:Lindsay. What are we going to be talking about today? Blended Families.
Speaker 1:Blended Families ah, one of my favorite topics and also one of the favorite topics of television when you think about shows like the Brady Bunch, my Three Sons and I'm blanking on a couple of others but Blended Families are definitely a topic that folks are very interested in and we are a blended family.
Speaker 2:We are a big blended family.
Speaker 1:And not only we blended a blended family because of the two different families, but, as the adult kids like to say, because we're interracial. They like to call us the Brady Bunch with the swirl.
Speaker 2:But first, what did you eat this week?
Speaker 1:Ah, this week you made a couple of good treats, one I'm going to start with today, which was that eggnog pound loaf that you made the bread. Yeah, vegan eggnog pound cake. Oh, that was delicious. You know I normally say I don't like to eat breakfast, for lunch or dessert.
Speaker 2:You don't like sweets for breakfast.
Speaker 1:Sweets for breakfast. Thank you for reminding me.
Speaker 2:That's what you usually tell me, yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't like sweets for breakfast. Thank you for reminding me my own tagline. But that was a delicious sweet for breakfast. You can make that anytime.
Speaker 2:And you followed it up with savory.
Speaker 1:so oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other thing that you made this week that was really good was the and you surprised me was because you know, as I always say, I'm in my sandwich phase was the the cheese. What was it? The Philly cheesesteak soy curls.
Speaker 2:Yes, but I think you've been in a sandwich phase since I met you, so I'm pretty sure it's not a phase. It's not a phase. You just like sandwiches, sandwich lifetime. Maybe we'll eat sandwiches for dinner tonight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sounds good, sounds good. Anything for you this week that particularly blew you away.
Speaker 2:Well, I've been on my really healthy, whole food, plant-based eating kick so I ate really yummy like teriyaki stir-fry bowls pretty much every day for lunch, which were really good, and so I just made the sauce from my be a plant-based woman warrior cookbook and then I just added a couple of times, I think, I used rice, and other days I used those lotus foods brown rice, millet noodles, which we really like for ramen and stir-fry, and then just loads of veggies. You know I love broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favorites, so I ate a lot of broccoli. This week and we went out for our anniversary too to dinner and that was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the meal and we had, I think, a kale Caesar salad.
Speaker 1:Yes, it was delicious.
Speaker 2:And vegan wings, which were celery, root and cauliflower.
Speaker 1:That was also delicious, and my apple spiced sangria was amazing, even though I don't think the server wanted to give me beyond the two glasses.
Speaker 2:Did you have more than?
Speaker 1:two. No, because when I oh, you felt guilty, I felt guilty because she was looking at me very disapprovingly, but if you are in the Tarrytown area, we went was the sweet grass grill. It's a nice combination of both vegan and traditional dining.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's farm to table, so everything is usually seasonal. The menu changes often and they always have a lot of vegan options or vegan possible, which is always nice to go out with your omnivore friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we followed up with dessert with the pumpkin cheesecake.
Speaker 2:It was like deconstructed pumpkin cheesecake. It looked like a scoop of the filling with some ginger snap cookies stuck in it and some vegan whipped cream and maybe some nuts or something sprinkled on the top. But it was very good. We never eat dessert.
Speaker 1:No, no, but somehow it managed to taste both healthy and delicious at the same time.
Speaker 2:Usually, if things taste healthy, you don't like them, so that's actually kudos to them.
Speaker 1:So changing gears real quick. And I don't know if you have one, but do you have a devil of the week or anything, any challenge this week that it took you a minute to overcome?
Speaker 2:I mean I feel like we always have a devil of the week, but I don't. I'm having trouble remembering. I mean, for me I think a big one is that I'm like pretty much not doing the drinking. That used to be like my nice. Let me relax at the end of the day. So I had a completely sober Saturday, which was really nice yesterday, and I slept well.
Speaker 1:Every once in a while it's important to take a break from the consuming I know like, especially during the pandemic I talked to, I thought of myself and a lot of folks that I talked to were like, ah, you know, man, man, you know, maybe I don't need that, that one last bird, and not that we drink heavily. I too decided, hey, you know, maybe you know let's, let's have like a dry weekend this weekend. So I also am not drinking also. But was that? Is that really a challenge for me?
Speaker 1:I would say one of the challenges that I had this week is just continuing to just maintain boundaries right Between work and home and what's important, and trying to juggle a lot. I had finals in school this week, I had big, two big town halls at work in the last couple of weeks and also seeing clients after work and keeping all of those things juggled. So I would say that my devil of the week was just balancing all of that and in talking about and talking through those kinds of scenarios with clients who also struggling with, with remaining mindful and remaining balanced. But with that being said, let's jump into our topic, which is blended families, which is what we are. So, lindsay, what, what, what, what really encouraged you to bring this topic up today?
Speaker 2:Well, we've talked about this before and we came together. We could talk a little bit about how we met. We met online, but before I went out with you, I verified with mutual friends that you were safe to go out with.
Speaker 1:Am I, though. Eight years later, have we determined if I'm safe or not?
Speaker 2:We had a very funny first date, as a matter of fact, but we talked for a long time and got to know each other before we went out and learned a lot about each other. So I still don't think you know everything about a person. Until you really spend a significant amount of time living with them right the coming and going, dating you don't really know them as deeply. We went on our first date, remember, to a music show.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you were late. Yes, I told you not to go to the gym that afternoon, but you did anyway. I guess you wanted to look up for a date.
Speaker 1:Your boy had to be swole.
Speaker 2:So I was waiting for a very long time for you because the train wasn't running. You had to take a taxi and remember we were having such a lovely evening and you were so thoughtful. You had booked a fully vegan restaurant after the music show and while we were there, a really drunk man tripped and his glass of wine flew out of his hand and landed in my handbag upside down.
Speaker 1:Wine in the bag.
Speaker 2:So what a memorable first date. But you know that behind us, right, I think fast forward, you know, years later, when we were ready to get married and bring two families together. That's when we really start to see different patterns from our own lives that merge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what's interesting is 40% of marriages in the United States results in the remarriage of at least one partner, and out of that 40%, 65% of those marriages result in a blended family, which makes the average number of children in blended families is about two, and it typically takes two to five years for a blended family to form and adjust to its new dynamic right.
Speaker 2:So you and I so you mean, people bring one child each People kind of bring one child, that's the average. Wow, we have seven kids.
Speaker 1:Between us, right and so and so and so what we're talking about here is not just the, the Lindsey and Cleveland story. This is a significant portion of folks today, right, 65% of folks are, you know are in blended families. And out of that number of statistically statistic show, 70% of blended families show that they're somewhat satisfied in their life.
Speaker 2:So what are somewhat satisfied. Yeah so satisfied. Yeah, very satisfied, I'm satisfied, I'm so satisfied.
Speaker 1:But for that 30% of folks. This show is for that 30% of folks and even the 70% that are happy with their lives. What are some of the challenges that can come up in the blended family and some of the stuff that maybe you and I have even encountered?
Speaker 2:For sure. The first one I can think about was apprehension about remarriage. If you want to talk about that a little, oh, on your side or my side you could talk about the whole thing.
Speaker 1:Um well, I listen. I was at first. I wasn't really for me. Personally, I wasn't really ready to get remarried at the time because I had already done my time, that had come out of a marriage that was done.
Speaker 2:Your time. It was a prison sentence.
Speaker 1:Like it was a prison sentence, right. But that's how some people I don't feel that way about. About our marriage, I hope not. Yeah, but that's how some people feel. Oh man, I did my time, so ball and chain right. So I got. I was out of that for a couple of years and it was a longer relationship that had been about 20 years that resulted in in four children who were all by this time they were like in their late teens. It was eight years ago, so they're no late teens Because now the oldest one was 20.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when we met. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And now he's approaching 30. So that was a challenging time to managing teenagers and trying to date and I remember like they sometimes they would call while we're on a date and that was kind of weird and and that was a big challenge.
Speaker 2:Right, and my kids were still at the age where they needed a babysitter. So the babysitter would never call me. They would solve the problems. But with your kids, they would just pick up a phone and call you and it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing. Right and I think also speaking to that point, is in regards to myself and you right. So you spend all this time being single after you go through a divorce, and so you develop your own routines and your own habits and you know you have your own lifestyle, the way that you're raising the kids, what you do on a day to day basis, and then you have to bring that together with someone if you're going to live together or get remarried, right.
Speaker 2:And then it's also like what will people think of me? I've just got a divorce a few years ago. I'm getting married again, right? Well, this marriage workout. What if it's not successful?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that piece is important because blended families have a higher divorce rate than than than families. That that, that than first marriages, blended families 60% of them end up in divorce, and as we always talk about each week and we've talked about over the last couple of episodes, is that often comes from a lack of communication, and in a clear and proper communication. So tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 2:Well, in our relationship, I didn't want to get remarried and we had bought the house and it was really important to you and one of your greatest characteristics as a person is that you are loyal. You are loyal to the core, and so you really wanted to get married and we bought a house and you were like but we have a house together, you're not going to marry me. Both of our names are on the title, Right and so I think there's.
Speaker 2:You know, we have to be honest with each other, which we always talk about in most episodes. Right, having communication. Don't just marry or not marry, don't run away, talk about it. Talk about how you're feeling, what are the fears, what are your concerns, and addressing those things with your partner, seeing how they can support you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one of the challenges that comes up often in blended families besides, that is then you want to think about to separate how many years that we had spent raising kids on our own is is the challenges of raising kids together. Right, I know someone recently I'm trying to think of the scenario, but where they actually broke up I know what you're talking about With someone because they couldn't manage how the kids got along. Do you remember that story recently? Oh, maybe.
Speaker 2:I'm thinking about a friend of ours that's daughter was getting married. No, the groom called off the wedding like a week before, saying that his kids were never going to approve, and that was a horrible, horrible story. But that again comes with. You can't let your kids call the shots or determine your happiness, and that's where communication comes into play. It's really important to communicate with your kids.
Speaker 2:We didn't introduce our kids or tell our kids about each other for a while. You might have sooner, because yours were older, but I didn't. But when we did, we really had to talk about what it was going to look like and let them adjust to each other. We introduced all the kids, we got them together and because naturally there's going to be conflict, so we get together, we get married and now my kids have a third parent you, and for my kids it's different because you live with us. So you were taking the place of their dad physically in the home, but they still had their dad, who they saw every other weekend and once a week maybe for dinner. So your case was a little different because it was you and the kids for a long time alone and then you left, but they were all adults, so they were able to live independently.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that makes me think I remember the scenario that I was talking about now. A few years ago I had a colleague and this goes on to what you were just saying that was very much in love with a young man and she had children and he had children and she had a son and he had a son and his son was constantly beating her son up to the point where it was like they were getting into altercations and he's getting bruised and banged up. And when she went to her fiance to tell him about that he was like, well, boys just would be boys and that's culture. And she was like, well, nah, that doesn't work for me. My child is not going to be abused by your child.
Speaker 1:So, to your point, it's important that these families interact and everyone knows their role and you have to be accepting. And that makes me think of my own dad, who my mom had. My brother and sister had a different father than me and when my dad met my mom when my brother was six and my sister was seven, and my brother is, just like he is today, not very accepting of grandma's new love interest, was not interested in meeting my dad at all, and my mom had to make the decision do I marry this man or do I make my child happy? And how does that work? I'll leave you guys on red for a second and on a cliffhanger.
Speaker 2:Well, I do want to say what your dad always said when he was alive. He said if you love a woman, you love her children. So he wasn't willing to give up on that. I think we have to communicate with kids and we have to give them time and be patient with them to adjust to new routines, adjust to having a new person in their life consistently. We can't push them to be friends. I remember you used to be like you. Don't have to like me, it's OK. Right with my kids. They were younger, especially my daughter, because you guys had a little bit of a contentious relationship initially.
Speaker 1:Well, the Queen, mom and I get along quite well now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very well, but that's because you gave her space and you didn't push her to have a relationship, but you never reacted to her acting out, and I think that's really important. We have to be careful not to show preference for our own biological children. That's something that comes up, I think, a lot with your older children, because my kids have lived with us for so long is that they feel that sometimes my kids get preferential treatment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I've always made that clear that it's not true. I love you and can't stand you all the same. So it's all equal here and the kids here will tell the kids there that, yeah, he can be an ass sometimes.
Speaker 2:And I do try to do for them as adults. When they come, we'll treat them to dinner, we'll take them away with us and do things with them, because I think it's equally important for adult children to adjust to the relationship, because divorce, they say, is even harder when kids are older. So it's also important to not engage in parenting behavior right away, which was what you did. You were like I'm just going to step back and I remember I was out of town once and remember the queen mom decided she was going to take herself out for a walk.
Speaker 1:She was like eight years old. She's like, yeah, I'm going to go for a walk, cleve, and I'm like what In the Bronx? Excuse me, yeah.
Speaker 2:So you just followed 10 feet behind her. The whole way she had a chip on her shoulder and she was mad, but eventually she went home and you followed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's difficult, right, Because one of the things is establishing in you you talk about it a lot and we talk about it in every episode is establishing clear boundaries, and a lot of times what happens in a blended family that really is the roadblock to success is people come in and it takes two to five years to figure out what your role is right. We are a well-oiled machine now, but that is because we all learned our roles right.
Speaker 2:Yes, and we have very different parenting styles. I am definitely more of an anxious parent. You're a very laid-back parent, you're let them make a mistake, it'll be fine, and I'm right on top of them. And I think we've had a lot of time to navigate that together and to really understand that we have different parenting styles. But we don't really have rules. We'll talk to each other about how to handle a situation and we'll have an interaction with each other before we have an interaction with the children. And that's come from years and years of saying no, I don't like that approach. Or you saying, eh, you can't do that. One of the things I love that you taught me was that you can't say no to everything. So let your no mean your no and your yes mean your yes. But you did say you can't say no to everything. So really think before you choose your battles.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and to that point too, is knowing your role, thinking strategically about it, as we know of scenarios of blended families that aren't working because the person is coming in and they're coming in hot, you know, like someone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I did that thing again. Where I'm out the person's name to you across the room.
Speaker 1:Yeah, good thing, good thing was that.
Speaker 2:Is that who you were thinking about?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but sometimes you can't come in hot right and I will think of the case of my dad in which, you know, surprise ending, my dad did end up marrying my mom and, as Lindsey said, he loved my brother and sister to the extent that they still love this man. He's passed away two years ago and mom's got like a friend that is coming around, that kind of likes her that doesn't even have any necessarily romantic interest in her and like my brother and sister are like chomping at the bit, right, but that is what makes a family right. It's not necessarily like the blood relation is coming in, it's understanding your role as now, and knowing this person might not like me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, the kids don't like me all the time either, and your kids don't like you all the time, so that's just par for the course.
Speaker 1:You couldn't expect to come in and have them like me, like your kids, like me right away, or my kids like you right away, and that's part of what fails right Is one parent comes in and I like to say they come in and they bulldork their way in right, or one parent is trying to false the responsibility on the other parent that they're not, haven't earned yet and you can't come in into a blended family just either like trying to be their best friend or trying to be the new drill sergeant. Would you agree with that?
Speaker 2:I would agree with that. And the next thing I wanted to talk about is tense relationships between step siblings. We were very fortunate that our kids have gotten along since the moment they met. We have never had any conflict between our kids, and that's maybe can be attributed to the fact that none of them are the same age, because in total, the seven kids your four are the oldest and then my three are the youngest, and so they are the oldest is 28, 27, 25, 23, 19, 18 and 16. So none of them were the same age, and what I love now is that the oldest ones give great advice about the future to the younger ones based on their mistakes.
Speaker 2:They could say the same things that we say to the kids. They say it once, we say it a hundred times. They don't listen to us. As soon as the step sibling says something, that's it. The step sibling is right and they get along so well. I love that I really do. When the kids come over, when your kids come over and I mean I love them like my own, so I could say our kids when they come over, all the kids come out of their bedrooms, everybody sits and socializes and has a really great time and it's a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one thing, as we had that interesting conversation with Tom Huckleberry today and where he acknowledged a couple of things and he said a couple of things that he did wrong. And I actually do now think that some of the conversation that he had with his brother and his older brother and sister a couple of weeks ago sparked some of those gears in his head where it's like, if you want, where his sister said to him, if you want change and you want this, then you have to do that.
Speaker 2:I think she also said if you want people to take you seriously, and then you have to stop doing certain things. And yeah, I mean lo and behold, he went out and he got a job, he got into the community college, he's gonna go back to school and he was really brave to get on the phone with us today and say the things that were really bothering him and we were able to have a conversation. I mean, I knew he smoked in the house so I mean I don't know why he kept that life for so long. But anyway, let's also talk about co-parenting responsibilities. Right, this is a good one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's a good one too, because it goes back is conflicting styles right? And so one of the things many of the scenarios that I've encountered with couples is conflicting family styles. Right Is that you have and this is in newlyweds where couple, where you know, husband might have been raised one way and the wife might have been raised another way, and now they have these different styles that they're gonna merge and now make a new family. But here's hold the boat. So when you have a blended family, you have a whole family style that one person might have, with people already integrated and working in that family system. Now two styles, and are they gonna merge? You might have a Porsche merging with a Lamborghini or a Lamborghini merging with an Astrovan, and how do you make that work?
Speaker 2:Well, we talked a lot with each other before we got married. We were very clear about our intentions. I actually think we still continue to work on it. We're married five years last Friday and we've been together almost eight years and I still sometimes give you an elbow when you say something and I'm like, oh my god, don't say that in front of the chair, because you have a different style of parenting than I do and you are very straightforward and I like to whisper about it with you first and then go back later and have a conversation. So the kids are going to have different expectations. My kids know for sure, if they want something, to ask you.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah because I'm a softy Right, you're like a big teddy bear you really are but the co-parenting piece does have a significant impact on day-to-day life and we really experienced that more with the younger kids.
Speaker 2:But you love being a dad and for that I will be eternally grateful, because you love to carpool all the teenagers everywhere.
Speaker 2:You will spoil them wrong and you will take them shopping for clothes and you do different things than I do, but we still continue to work on it, right?
Speaker 2:And I think about that argument we had recently where I called you a codependent enabler, said that you come from a whole family of codependent enablers and I said, well, but my family is pretty abusive and critical in judgment, so I guess we have our own shit right. And so in that moment, yes, I was definitely like judging your behavior, but then I was able to bring it back to myself and say, hey, I don't understand that, because this is what I understand. And so it's important to remember that you bring those patterns to the marriage and I bring my patterns to the marriage, and your kids have grown up their whole life with those patterns and my kids have grown up their whole life with these patterns. And so now you're bringing together seven people who also had another parent in the picture who gave them other stuff. So we are bringing so much into a relationship and it's really challenging for people to navigate.
Speaker 1:When you think about blended families, I think about in the way that you just described it. I think of an orchestra. You have the string section and the brass and the woodwinds, and it can either be a cacophony of competing sounds or under the hand of a great conductor In the case of a blended family, two great conductors it can be a joyous, harmonious sound that comes together with celebration.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd like to think that our family is pretty harmonious. And we have conflicts. Conflicts arise, but when it comes to parenting and the kids, we are very, very lucky to have everybody get along with each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if all else fails, what do you think? What would you recommend with families that they're trying this thing and they're doing all the self help and it doesn't seem to be working. What guidance would you give them next?
Speaker 2:Go to therapy. The first thing you and I both did before getting remarried was go to therapy, and you were really not wanting to go to therapy because you were like black men don't go to therapy. I'm good, and I knew that you wanted to get married, so I went to therapy thinking well, I don't want to have the same issues in my new relationship that I had in my previous relationship, and we both went to therapy and that gave us a lot of clarity in how to interact with each other, how to interact with the children, how to navigate obstacles and I mean we both still go to this day. So it turned out to be very beneficial for us both and that's important Communicating with your partner and having those boundaries talking ahead of time about how you parent, maybe not reacting on the spot and pulling each other to the side, taking a time out and navigating the situation together, and not being resentful or angry with your partner for parenting in the way that they know how to parent, that they have parented for so long. What do you think?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's absolutely right. One of the things that Dr Kovey says in the seven habits of highly successful people is not your way, it's not my way, it is the right way. And in an ablinded family you have to. Once again, in thinking back to that music analogy, it's not that the violins are right and the saxophones are wrong, it's that they come together to make a harmony. And you have to understand, as Big Cleave used to say, if you love the woman, you love her children. Also. The same thing with the wife. If you love the husband, you love his children and you love the baggage that he comes with. Also. There's no wicked step-parent here.
Speaker 2:Everybody has baggage. Everybody has baggage. We were just talking about that today. Oh, in regards, I remember what we were saying we were talking about just about unresolved emotional shit, which everybody has, and how it manifests in other places and other problems. But, yeah, those are the five big hurdles that come up, and most of them are the parenting, because, if you think about it, when you get together with someone else, for us it was like dating. It was fun, it was wonderful, we loved to see each other. I still love to see you every day but for the kids it was like, oh, who is this person coming into our lives? Who wasn't here before? And we had mom or we had dad, and we had our daily routine and we had the things that we like to do, and now we have to change up.
Speaker 1:And it takes time. Right, it takes patience and it takes time. It takes two to five years' statistic show that for a blended family to coalesce into one unit, it's not going to happen in two to five weeks, it's not going to happen in two to five days. It takes time and you have to understand your role in making that work, which is that you can't rush and you just have to be patient, that it all is going to fall into place.
Speaker 2:And you can't let the kids call the shots. That's odd. If you want to be with that person, then you have to be willing to navigate all of the challenges that arise.
Speaker 1:One of the things that Lindsey helped me understand being different, and I like that. You said that you can't let the kids call the shots. There's a lot of times in a blended family, kids are smart and what they'll do is they'll work to find those divisions between the parents and what I used to say is hey, well, your mother doesn't like you to do that or your mother doesn't like this, which kind of took the onus off of me and put it back on Lindsey, whereas I now say you will not talk to my wife in that way, you will keep my wife's name out of your mother. No, I'm just playing, but you will.
Speaker 1:My wife has told you to wash those dishes, my wife has asked you to take the garbage out, and it really just saying it in that way makes the kids know hey, you know what? I am not your ally in this, and there are times when I will be their ally. Then Lindsey knows Absolutely, but in this matter I'm not your Much to my chagrin. Much to your chagrin, but in this manner I have to support my wife on this and that is really clear. Is that at the end of the day? I know, I understand that as parents you have loyalties to the folks that came in that you did before, but your loyalty is going to be first and foremost to your new spouse.
Speaker 2:Absolutely and just loving the kids and being patient with them through all the challenges, because there will be challenges. Our challenges weren't with the kids amongst themselves. It was more of the parenting challenge and it was with both sets the adult kids and the younger kids. Both of them struggled mine and yours with the new dynamic.
Speaker 1:And putting that focus on your spouse does not mean that you love your child less. And once again, and if your spouse is asking you to do something that's immoral or illegal or an ethical and regards your child, then that's a problem there. But loving your spouse in the manner that makes them, puts them first, is that you now come together and make a unit that now puts the interest of the children first in respect to keeping your relationship sacred.
Speaker 2:Right and supporting your partner. And we've gone through a lot of challenges together with the kids a lot, and we can give one more you know story before we wrap up. But it was with one of them that really struggled in school and struggled with behavior, struggled with the academic piece, never really felt understood. You know diagnosis of ADHD but still just didn't feel right to us and we had to make a really difficult decision to make a school placement and you were really not in agreement with boarding school.
Speaker 1:Not at all.
Speaker 2:And we navigated that together because I had felt like we had exhausted every other option and you were like I'm not in agreement, but I will fly out there with you and we will go and I will take a look and if I really feel uncomfortable then I'm going to get the kid back on the plane with us, Right, and you could speak to that a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that is 100% how I felt. So this boy was not mine biologically and I was going to support biological mom and dad on it If it was something that worked out. But I was adamant that if I've got there and I felt uncomfortable with it with it that he wasn't going to stay. But it was something that was discussed and it wasn't going to be a surprise.
Speaker 2:But thankfully, you know, I didn't have to get there and pull the trigger and be like, nah, he's not staying there, and I think you were in agreement with it because I think it felt right from the moment we got there, but the important piece of that is that you were willing to put your stuff aside and say, all right, well, let's go, I will support you. I don't agree, but I will support you, and that's really a way to navigate parenting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was open. I was open to it Right, and it wasn't. And one of the things Gottman talks about in marriage and families is gridlock, and that and I was in one of the things that will definitely destroy a blended family, especially when it comes to raising the kids, is gridlock. So, understanding your space, understanding your role and stepping back and letting mom and like letting biological mom and biological dad make that decision that I didn't 100% agree with but turned out to be the right one. But I took my ego out of it and did what was best for the family and not what I thought was best, which was important.
Speaker 2:Right, and it did end up being probably the best decision that we had made for him. So and part of it for me too, was not arguing with you and letting you have your opinion, and it's really important to let your partner have their own parenting styles and to navigate their own challenges in parenting, but doing it side by side with someone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as we come to an end, one of the things that I think is important here, especially for families, is to celebrate success. Oftentimes, all we talk about is the failures of our kids, and I like to make jokes like drinking with them instead of because of them. But it's really important, as a parent, is to acknowledge and celebrate family milestones, especially in a blended family, because these are the things, these celebrations it's holidays right now it's Christmas, it's Thanksgiving and I said those backwards but it's Thanksgiving and it's now it's Christmas, but it's a time to come together, right, and it's a time to blend families, and you know, all over the world. What do you think about that?
Speaker 1:I think I'm really excited to have two kid-free weeks on vacation in warm weather and let those kids blend the fuck up someplace else. I'm, I'm.
Speaker 2:Well, they're all gonna be with them. Yeah, but, yeah. But it's not our turn for Christmas, so they're gonna go with their dad and we're gonna go to Florida.
Speaker 1:Yeah and make some new family memories with, with, with Lindsay's folks Friend.
Speaker 2:Bob.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a friend and Bob a friend and Bob weekend A friend and Bob Christmas. That's what I like, but much needed, much needed relaxation.
Speaker 2:And the kids are going on vacation too, so they're not really missing anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, their dad will take care of them. They'll blend it up all over there and my kids all gonna connect in New York, so it's all gonna be a good time, Lindsay. Any parting words, or any any parting words as we move on. Before we move on.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just glad that you gave me a chance and I gave you a chance.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. I was gonna say you took the words out. I'm glad that you gave me a chance. Also, and for those of you who are listening, thank you for taking a chance on us and listening to another episode of the Devil. You Don't Know. D Bu on Le Łょ Bye.