Unlocking Mental Wellness: The Power of Self-Awareness

Have you ever stared into the mirror, picking apart every flaw, and wondered how that may affect your mental well-being? This week, join Lindsay and me as we tackle the thorny issue of self-awareness, its profound impact on mental health, and how it differs from the self-criticism that often leads us into a downward spiral. We're pulling back the curtain on the intricate dance of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, revealing how a deeper understanding of ourselves can lead to greater resilience and personal growth.

 As we venture through personal struggles and triumphs, we invite you to arm yourself with patience and compassion, embarking on a path that promises a clearer understanding of yourself and the potential to enrich the tapestry of your relationships and achieve your life goals.

After the show, check out the following resources:

A mix of reading materials, digital applications, and structured courses can offer a wide range of insights and techniques to enhance self-awareness.

Books
1. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer - This book is a great starting point you've already mentioned. It provides a contemplative look at consciousness, helping readers explore the essence of self.
2. Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality by Anthony De Mello—De Mello's work invites us to explore self-awareness by understanding the connection between awareness and spiritual awakening.
3. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle - Tolle's book emphasizes the importance of living in the present moment and how it can lead to a more fulfilled life.

Apps
1. Headspace - Offers guided meditations focusing on various aspects of mental health, including stress reduction, emotional regulation, and developing awareness of one’s thoughts and feelings.
2. Calm - Another meditation app that provides users with tools to improve their mindfulness and self-awareness, including sleep stories, breathing exercises, and guided meditations.
3. Insight Timer features a vast library of free meditations led by mindfulness experts, neuroscientists, psychologists, and teachers from around the world. These meditations foster self-awareness and mental resilience.

Courses
1. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) by Jon Kabat-Zinn—Offered by various institutions both in person and online, MBSR is an eight-week program that teaches mindfulness meditation to help people cope with stress, anxiety, depression, and pain.
2. Coursera - The Science of Well-Being by Laurie Santos (Yale University) - Although not focused solely on self-awareness, this course covers related concepts like happiness, habits, and self-improvement.
3. Udemy - Developing Self-Awareness - This course offers practical exercises and reflections to enhance self-awareness and personal development.

Combining these resources can provide a comprehensive approach to developing self-awareness. Reading gives you theoretical insights, apps offer daily practice tools, and courses provide structured learning paths. Together, they can help deepen your understanding of yourself and foster a more mindful, present, and fulfilling life.

Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

Transcript

Cleveland Oakes: 0:01

This is Cleveland.

Lindsay Oakes: 0:02

This is Lindsay.

Cleveland Oakes: 0:03

And this is another episode of the Devil. You Don't Know, lindsay, what are we going to be talking about this week? Self-awareness, self-awareness. So this particular topic. You're just going to jump right into it Now. Start off by reading the definition of self-awareness. Self-awareness in a mental health setting refers to the capacity of an individual to recognize, understand and reflect upon their thoughts, feelings, motives and behaviors. It involves being aware of one's emotional state, thought patterns, their strengths, their weaknesses and the impact of one's actions, of oneself and others. In a mental health setting, developing self-awareness is often seen as a critical step in the therapeutic process, enabling individuals to identify and understand their mental health challenges, their triggers and coping mechanisms. It allows for better self-management and can lead to more effective strategies for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. Through self-awareness, individuals can better understand their needs and make informed decisions toward personal growth and well-being. Lindsay, what are your thoughts on that?

Lindsay Oakes: 1:07

Well, I think it's not only in a mental health setting, I think in life in general, people lack awareness. But you know, when you go to therapy or you participate in some kind of you know practice or you know routine, daily, you know activity towards developing self-awareness, then you become kind of more aware about the things that you don't want to see in yourself. Yeah, yeah.

Cleveland Oakes: 1:32

One of the things that we often talk about living here in New York City is the reckless driving and the folks that drive with a zigan and their zagon and they're in and out of traffic. They're all you know. You see them on the Hutchinson Parkway. You see them in Times Square. What do you think about those kind of people? Do you think those folks are like self-aware?

Lindsay Oakes: 1:49

Well, I think most people aren't self-aware, right, which is a really big struggle that I have, because I think I told you last week, right, when you're awake in a world where people are asleep, it's very lonely place to be, right? So, no, I think most people are not self-aware. I think a lot of people you know follow a set of rules or this linear path through life and they, you know, just kind of go through the motions without a real awareness or acknowledgement of you know how they're impacted by their choices, how their choices impact other people, and really about their general unhappiness and discontent with life. Yeah, yeah.

Cleveland Oakes: 2:28

I'm going to just jump right in and off of that note. I'll just jump right into our first segment, which is understanding self-awareness, and there's a couple of different types of awareness and we'll unpack all of them. There's emotional self-awareness, there's psychological self-awareness and there's physical self-awareness. Last week you talked to me and this was off the show about Dr Gabor and this idea about holes and that each of us are trying to fill a hole. How?

Lindsay Oakes: 2:56

do you think self-awareness yeah, not really fill a hole. So what he was saying I can't remember if we talked about this in another show or not but that you have these holes where you lack self-worth and it comes from your experiences in life. If you weren't nurtured properly as an infant, you develop a hole. If you were bullied, you might develop a hole. If you experience some kind of abuse, you develop a hole. And then what happens is we have these holes and then when people make us look at them by Well, most people don't really understand this, so I'll back up a little bit, but the idea is that somebody triggers you in an emotional way. If you get angry, you get really upset with someone. What he says is that's because they uncovered the hole or they opened the hole, and then it makes you look at the stuff that you don't want to look at because it's really painful to look at. So it really has nothing to do with the other person's behavior did to you, but everything to do about your own lack of self-worth.

Cleveland Oakes: 4:00

And I think that goes to our first point, which is emotional self-awareness, which is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, including their origins and their impact on your thoughts and behavior. And can you speak a little bit more to that?

Lindsay Oakes: 4:15

Yeah, I think that when you are aware of yourself generally, right, if you take the time to sit and feel and really experience your emotions, then it really changes the way that you interact with others.

Lindsay Oakes: 4:33

You know it also changes how you feel about yourself, right, it's not always easy to look at, which is, I think, why people stay asleep, so to speak, in their life, because it's very painful to look at. But when you do start to kind of do this internal work, you start to see where your holes are and then you start to process those things and you become very aware of how you interact with people, how other people interact with you. You know it makes you. I had a client recently tell me, actually, that she actually came to therapy and she was like I hate you because every time now that I do something, I'm like focusing on all this stuff that I don't want to see, and I was like that's amazing, because once you see it, you can't unsee it, right. So now the work can be done, right, and I love clients like that, because if you don't sit and really sit in your shit, so to speak, then you're acting as though you're oblivious to what your own issues are and you're projecting all of your stuff on other people.

Cleveland Oakes: 5:36

Yeah, when I even think about couples that have sat down with me, it's this lack of emotional self-awareness that they don't even understand why they're angry, and then they can't even understand why their spouse is angry.

Lindsay Oakes: 5:48

Well, they think they know right, but they really don't, because it's never about what they come to. Couples therapy for.

Cleveland Oakes: 5:55

Yeah, yeah, and like, when I'm thinking about emotional self-awareness, it allows at least aware individuals. It allows for that individual to identify and manage their emotions effectively and navigate social interactions more adeptly. I'm thinking about you, know, and you've talked to my HR person during COVID and she was like and I know you guys had a laugh at one point. That was, oh, cleveland, don't read social cues, which is, which sometimes is true and sometimes is not right. I think, now that I've started this journey of self-awareness and started this journey of becoming a counselor, I am much more adept at what I'm feeling and asking myself what am I feeling before I interact with people, and that helps me read social cues a lot better.

Lindsay Oakes: 6:42

Well, I think the biggest thing that you've done is just start to be more quiet. Yes, right, because when you're quiet you can read the room, you can process what you're feeling. I told you a couple of weeks ago, when I was ready to tell everyone about themselves, I just went upstairs and I was like you know what, just gonna have a day upstairs by myself. Right, because you know, if you, there's really no need to project onto other people. Right, because really you know somebody can come right back and do the same thing to you.

Cleveland Oakes: 7:11

Yeah, and emotional self-awareness gives you not only the ability to regulate yourself, but it gives you the empathy for others, because you recognize a similar emotion and someone that you might have had or have experienced in the past, like, oh that person's sad, oh, that person's angry, let me navigate away from them. And that helps you read social cues a little better. Also, too, it's important to notice when you're feeling happy or sad, or anxious, and not only noticing it, but understanding. Why, lindsay, can you tell our audience? Why is it important to understand your emotional state?

Lindsay Oakes: 7:48

Well, I think that I hate that. I always say that. I think I think If you don't have awareness of your emotional state, right, then you really just kind of lack awareness about yourself in general. But you know, it also impacts the way that you interact with people. Right To think about people who really are very unaware. Right, they go about, and I could think of so many examples in our life of people that we know that are unaware, but they do these things and you're embarrassed by their behavior and you're sitting there with them in a public place and they have absolutely no knowledge of what's going on around them. It becomes like you're so self-centered and wrapped up in your own agenda.

Cleveland Oakes: 8:38

Yeah, and it causes you to miss out on a lot of things.

Cleveland Oakes: 8:40

Right, that emotional self-awareness piece is so important because you have to understand we as humans are emotional creatures, right, and if I go in there and interact with you in a way, that causes like a negative emotion out of you and it's because of a negative emotion that started me.

Cleveland Oakes: 8:57

Now we're on like a downward spiral here. Right, and you have to understand and I think about like an awkward interaction I had with a classmate the other day. It's something that you helped me understand is why am I talking, right? Am I talking to benefit to, for me to feel better about something? Am I talking because I need to feel important? Am I talking because I need to correct someone? You know what is the purpose of the interaction and that's why it's important to understand what you are feeling before you interact with someone, because if you're angry about something that you don't know what you're angry about, or if you're proud about something that you don't know what you're proud about, your actions because you're not aware of your own emotional state or you don't even know your why, can cause a huge problem.

Lindsay Oakes: 9:44

Yeah, I would agree with that. I always sit and listen to people and then I speak if it's necessary to speak. But a lot of times, you might notice, I just say okay, because it's also not when someone lacks awareness, right, there's no reason to prove to them anything. There's no reason to prove a point. There's no reason to try to convince them otherwise. So even if someone came to you and said the world is flat, you could just be like okay, sure.

Cleveland Oakes: 10:14

So that moves us on to our next level of self-awareness, which is psychological self-awareness. Right, and psychological self-awareness refers to the understanding of your own mental process, including your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitudes and motivations, and it's about recognizing your mental habits, your biases, your patterns, and that shape your perception of the world. We're in the process of renovating our kitchen and we stopped at the furniture store yesterday and the young lady who owns the store we, as always, we always get into so many superfluous conversations with the people in our lives. We started talking about this year and the upcoming election and the owner of the store.

Cleveland Oakes: 10:53

I didn't talk about it because I don't talk about upcoming elections, but you did yes but you got involved in the conversation because she said something that was important to you, where she was like we all need to be purple, and what she meant by that is that you need to be aware of your biases and your motivation and your attitude, and you shouldn't be and this is something you say constantly that you shouldn't be so far liberal and you shouldn't be so conservative.

Lindsay Oakes: 11:15

No, I don't say that. What I say is that there's nobody, and it doesn't.

Cleveland Oakes: 11:19

it doesn't even have to be politics, it could be religion as well, but there's not anybody that completely subscribes 100 percent to every single facet of one side and the way that that fits back into psychological self-awareness is that you have to be aware and that neuroplasticity that we talk about in counseling is that your thoughts and beliefs and attitudes and motivations, that you are shaped by that.

Lindsay Oakes: 11:43

And they belong to you. But they are the only thing that you can really control right within yourself, and that's why it's so important to not involve yourself in other people's thoughts, behaviors, actions, because that's not anything that you can control.

Cleveland Oakes: 12:00

Yeah, yeah. And when you're psychologically self-aware and I've met people that well, I'm never wrong. Right, I've never made mistakes. Right and no, we all mess up, right, we all make mistakes. You know, if you're a Christian and believe in the Bible, the word sin in the Hebrew scriptures does not, is not correlated to evil, it is correlated to missing the mark right. It means that you are imperfect and you make mistakes. And part of the psychological self-awareness is questioning your thought process, making sure that your thought process is sound and making sure that you're making sound decisions.

Lindsay Oakes: 12:35

Right, because that helps you to also recognize the work that you have to do within yourself. Right, because it comes back again to what I was saying earlier Once you see it, you can't unsee it. So when you start to do that work and you start to uncover the holes, it's very painful sometimes and that's why people remain unaware, right, and why people develop patterns like they do, because who wants to sit and look at all their faults? Right? It isn't pretty.

Cleveland Oakes: 13:04

Yeah, and to your point as you can. Only in the Bible Jesus talks about it as being as looking in a mirror and having a sound self-awareness. A psychological self-awareness is like he said who doesn't look in the mirror in the morning to make sure that they look all right? Right? And understanding your psychological self-awareness, or having that peace, is the path to growth, the path I can't talk again today. The path to growth and a more profound sense of inner peace, because it involves introspection and the ability to examine one's thoughts and behaviors from an objective standpoint. And I'll give you a for instance and I'll self disclose a little bit.

Cleveland Oakes: 13:46

I haven't been to church in forever right, and we and my own therapist has really tried hard to get me to go back to church and I have my own reasons for not going. But a friend of ours goes to what I would only call a hippie church and that's what he calls it. It's the Calvary Church of Westchester County and he invited me up there today and I understand what I was missing in church. Is this really moment of not necessarily listening to a preacher preach, but being in a room of like-minded people who are all in the process of trying to examine themselves right and thinking about their motivations.

Cleveland Oakes: 14:26

And today's sermon was on prayer and how to pray and what you should ask for when you pray, and all of it was about personal growth right, and having that psychological self-awareness. Knowing that you are weak or have weaknesses and knowing that you have strengths will help you identify improvement right. And so what I found in church today wasn't necessarily like Jesus. It was oh, this is a scripture that I needed to hear, because it's helping me identify a place in my life where I want improvement. And now you don't have to necessarily go to a Christian church to get that.

Lindsay Oakes: 15:08

Right? No, you don't. You don't even have to go to church to get that and for the record, I did not go with you.

Cleveland Oakes: 15:17

Yeah, but.

Lindsay Oakes: 15:18

But I did like how happy you were when you came home. You said it was really nice to be in a space where people were kind and interesting and that out in the world right, there's not so much kindness and so much connectivity. And I said to you I think that's why people go there, right, that becomes their kind of sangha, so to speak, like my meditation classes and retreats. It's a sangha of like-minded people, and so when you go somewhere like that, you kind of meet your tribe, so to speak.

Cleveland Oakes: 15:51

And this makes me think and I'm going to go on because I hate social media, I'm very anti against it, even my other podcast with TikTok getting more than likely banned in the United States and we were like yay, hooray for that. I do think that this constant barrage of social media disconnects people from them, from themselves right, because you become obsessed and it's what I found. I've sat down with younger clients who are like oh man, you know, I get all my ideas from TikTok. I go on X and everything I read is on X. But what are you really reading? What are you really taking in? When you're taking in stuff?

Lindsay Oakes: 16:27

that's- Other people's opinions. Is what you're taking in from social media, right? Or other people's false descriptions of their?

Cleveland Oakes: 16:36

life? Yeah, would you consider somebody who is a consumer, a constant consumer, of 24-7 cable news, social media? Do you think that they're psychologically self-aware?

Lindsay Oakes: 16:46

No, I don't watch the news and I don't really participate very much in social media except to look at vegan things.

Cleveland Oakes: 16:53

And how about even emotionally self-aware? I think last night it was your friend's birthday and we talked a little bit about social media and why they're not on it, and she brought out a good point that Jason Pargent brought out many moons ago on a podcast we listened to on the Daily Zeit. Guys, that these oftentimes on social media they're putting out stories to psychologically manipulate you.

Lindsay Oakes: 17:15

Absolutely. We said that about and they also recycle old stories so that you can panic again. And that's just crazy, right, because it is. It's a case of the media just lying to you. I don't participate in those practices really, and I do it because of my own mental health. I like to kind of feel and process I meditate, I breathe, I do the inner work. I don't need any programming. I always tell you what happens if I watch those things. I get anxiety, so why would I subject myself to something that's going to make me really uncomfortable?

Cleveland Oakes: 17:57

And so, even though you're probably listening to us on your iPhone or your Android device, it is really important to disc to an under to gain more awareness. You really need to disconnect from those things that are feeding you nonsense.

Lindsay Oakes: 18:13

Oh, absolutely, and I think a little bit of scrolling is fine, but people are just obsessed and I heard that song today in the car that you and I have talked about. Everybody's on the phone by Jimmy Buffett, and I thought of it again. Everybody always has this device in their hand and they're so disconnected from themselves. Right, because you have this and you want instant gratification and instant response from people, and that's something that I see some of my clients struggle with, especially when it comes to dating. Because I do work with someone who struggles in the dating world and she's like I just need to meet someone that doesn't want to text me all the time. And so she went on a couple of dates and she told the guy I'm really not good at texting and she said so far it's been great because, like every three or four days, she'll get a text from him That'll be like hey, how are you doing? How's your day? And she's like I like that so much more. There's so much like less pressure for me to be somebody.

Cleveland Oakes: 19:12

I'm not yeah and it goes back. But well, she's very self aware of what her needs are. She is now.

Lindsay Oakes: 19:17

She was very upset that I made herself aware, but I think the greatest thing about it right Is that in four short weeks she's done so well, and I have other clients the same way. Once you learn how to look inside of yourself, you can really make a lot of progress. But there are a lot of people who aren't ready to do the work.

Cleveland Oakes: 19:37

Yeah, and so let's talk about that and let's talk about the work in our second segment and talk about these two concepts of self awareness and self criticism that can, that can significantly influence your mental health and understanding the differences between the two. So I'll start off with self awareness. So self awareness, as we already stated, refers to the conscious knowledge of your own character, your feelings, your motives, your desires, an introspective gaze into yourself that can have both positive and negative mental effects. Mental health effects on mental health and relationships.

Lindsay Oakes: 20:15

It can negatively and positively impact relationships. Boom, there you go, correct.

Cleveland Oakes: 20:19

Okay, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say and so speak to this first part on like anxiety and depression and how can self awareness help you help someone with anxiety and depression?

Lindsay Oakes: 20:31

Well, the thing with anxiety and depression is and I was listening to a lecture on this the other day right, so many mental health conditions and diagnoses are all in the head. Really everything right In regards to anxiety. It's just of learning to be more present, right, more aware in the present moment, because anxiety is typically occurring because your future tripping about something that hasn't even happened yet, at least with most of the people I see. Sometimes, people you know get a random bout of anxiety because they get a gut feeling about something and don't listen to their gut. And I mean, how many times, right, for example, have you said oh, I knew that was going to happen, but I didn't listen to myself and I did it anyway, right?

Lindsay Oakes: 21:21

Depression is a little bit harder, because when people have a diagnosis of depression, they get very, very stuck in the mental piece and they really can't see a way out. And the struggle that I have personally for me, working with clients with depression is very hard. It's hard for me not for everybody, but for me because I'm generally a positive person and it's hard for me to work with people who feel like they're in this kind of negative spiral all the time. And what I noticed too is people take medication for depression, and this is something that's intrigued me a lot lately with the training I'm in. They take medication, which okay, why do we have those medications? To improve the condition right and the quality of life in these individuals, but yet none of them look happy. None of them look happy, and then depression oftentimes becomes an excuse for the behavior that people are participating in.

Cleveland Oakes: 22:22

Yeah, I kind of call it a doom loop, right? This idea of, well, this is falling and so this fails and that fails, and now you get caught in the cycle of falling into negative self-assessment, right? And so there's two things to your point. That one a healthy level of self-awareness will let you realize like, oh, I'm getting ready to do that thing again. Oh, there you go, cleve, you're getting ready to run off at the mouth again. Oh, there you go. I'm feeling anxious. Oh, there you go.

Cleveland Oakes: 22:50

These are the things that lead me to being depressed. An excessive focus on it, though it goes to your point where you're future tripping, where you're worried about, like all these, where you become anxious and more depressed because you're worried about things that you can't control, and so self-awareness plays a point in that, and that, if you have the right level of self-awareness, it's the key to maintaining that balance. Right Of these are the things that I need to be concerned about. This is something that I'm possibly concerned about. This is something that can go wait on a shelf for like a couple of months and we can get to it. What are your thoughts on that?

Lindsay Oakes: 23:25

Oh, I agree, I always say you can always tuck things away for later, right, but the struggle, like I was saying, with the depression piece, for me as a clinician is just this being able to really help these people because they have a really hard time kind of compartmentalizing things.

Lindsay Oakes: 23:44

But then I also learn a lot about people, because the same people that are coming in crisis all the time are then not coming to appointments on time, blowing off, changing last minute and then getting upset when they're charged the late fee and in a way it's like you're already in this space but you're also then not using any tools and then it's just you keep cycling out of control and out of control and then you're upset that you got charged a no show fee but in reality you didn't show right, and so it's very hard to take accountability because it's the depression that just takes center stage in people. And that's why it's very hard for me, because generally anxiety I get and I think, like meditation, mindfulness, breath, work, exercise, drains the anxiety battery right, keeps the agitation and the nervous system at more of a balanced state. But with depression it's so it's so hard because it becomes the reason for people to kind of continue to do what they do.

Cleveland Oakes: 24:47

Yeah, one of my professors spoke to that. And going back to what you were talking about, about like rules in the counseling right Like if you do not show up, there is a, there's a, there's a fee. If you're late, I'm not going to see you and what he said is that enforcing those rules really tells you about a client's self awareness, because if you have a client no shows and you charge them $150 and they get upset about their no show or they're upset because you won't see them because they're 20 minutes late, that shows that that person is not aware.

Lindsay Oakes: 25:23

Well, right, because it's also such a lack of respect for your time and I know that people get upset about it, but I get upset about it because I a big trigger for me is when my time is disrespected. So if you know there's a consequence for behavior, right, I mean consequences start from a young age. It's not about punishing, it's a consequence.

Cleveland Oakes: 25:43

This is the result of the action right, and that's what he talks about is you need to understand, as your client, self aware enough that they even realize that they need to change, and sometimes they're not right, oh like, and it goes back to the when we've talked about this in other cases, like, woe is me, I don't even understand how that happened. Well, that happened because you weren't paying attention. Yeah, absolutely. You know. You lost your wife because you're an asshole and you were out of touch with your emotions. Your kids don't like you because, you know, because you are a jerk, nobody at work gets along with you because and we definitely can talk to this and I'm not going to name, like any, any individuals, but it's like you're irresponsible with me as a client I am sure that you probably take the same behavior where, oh, you blew me off. You blew me off and I'm the person that's here to help you.

Lindsay Oakes: 26:34

Well, you can learn a lot about people by how they respond to your boundaries right, absolutely Right, if there is. If you don't like my boundary, it tells me a lot about you, yeah, right. But here's the thing you can have some positive qualities too, by showing up, by honoring the appointment or by canceling on time, right, and all of those things feel, I think, very hard for people that are diagnosed with depression, because they do get so wrapped up into, like the ruminating thoughts and the cyclical thoughts that they can't focus on anything else.

Cleveland Oakes: 27:08

Yeah, yeah, and we're not saying that depression is simply all in that, in is simply in your head, no, but I think it think it contributes to so much of that thinking.

Lindsay Oakes: 27:18

Yes, and you know, what I noticed and that's what I was saying is that and this is just the people I work with that I see they take the medication, but they're still not happy, right? So there's still something that's lacking, right?

Lindsay Oakes: 27:32

Right, that the medication can't fix right the medication is made right to balance right, because depression is like an imbalance right, a chemical imbalance in the brain, and the medicine is supposed to help balance that out Right. But I don't think that the sadness gets repaired, which means you have to do the internal work to figure out right. While you're balanced and you're on this medication is the best time to sit and do that internal work of why do I feel like this? How can I change that?

Cleveland Oakes: 28:04

Our son in Florida, who is kind of battling with depression and anxiety right now, spoke to that in about his peer group, right, he has a friend who's a good friend, who's a high school friend, who also suffers from depression and anxiety, and just what you just talked about. That the kid went to the doctor thinking I'm going to get this medication, I'm going to take this Zoloft or Xanax or whatever it is, and it's going to instantly make me better. And he said the young man you know got it. And then was like oh, I don't feel better. And he said to him I'm not going to say the guy's name, but he said ba ba ba, it's because you need to do the work.

Cleveland Oakes: 28:39

He was like the pill is not enough. You also need to go in and address why you're sad, why and this is funny this is a kid who's never even taken a social, a sociology or therapy class in his life. And maybe it's from conversations with us Mom talks to him a lot. So, yes, I was going to say maybe it's from, I should say, conversation with you, that he had the wherewithal to say that he was like hey, the medicine is not enough, you have to do the work also, you know.

Lindsay Oakes: 29:06

And the work is painful, right? So if you're already in this place of ruminating and cyclical negative thoughts, it is not gonna feel good at all, right? Someone like you or me, I feel down when I sit and do the work. However, I can come out on the other side of it with an awareness of it, right? But because I don't have that diagnosis, and so you know that's the tricky part of it.

Cleveland Oakes: 29:30

I can tell you and we'll move on to the next part. Like, a couple of months ago I had a setback at work that had me kind of down on myself. For even one of my senior vice president noticed and said you're a little bit down on yourself. Hey, that was a mistake. Nobody's really mad at you for that mistake. Just, you know, learn from it, right. And I could still, eight months later, still be ruminating on that mistake or feeling bad about that mistake. But what I've done with that thing that happened is learned and you always say it, you've said it to me and it's something that I now go by is sometimes the worst things that happen to us are the best things that happen to us, right, and having that level of self-awareness about your emotional self, about your physical self and yeah, that's something that I skipped I wanna go back and talk about that physical piece too, like that physical self-awareness.

Lindsay Oakes: 30:22

But having that Well, we did touch on it a little bit right. Is that kind of brain like that mind, heart, gut, connection as the physical piece. And I said to you earlier we don't always trust our gut, but we should trust our gut, you should, right.

Cleveland Oakes: 30:35

And so, like when you were feeling, and when you were feeling a certain type of way, like when I was feeling down about myself, and I realized, like I don't have to feel down about myself it was a mistake, right, and I learned, and I was like, hey, and since that eight months I haven't made a single mistake.

Lindsay Oakes: 30:49

But people make mistakes, yeah, and so the way I explain it is you're gonna make mistakes again. Yes, but when you struggle with a mental health diagnosis, that mistake sends you into the spiral, right, and then it just increases the negative thinking. Oh, I'm never gonna get this job full-time right.

Lindsay Oakes: 31:10

I feel like if you're tempting because I'm terrible and I've let everybody down, and how can I do this? Oh, and these people, they all do it, and they have families at home. I don't even have a family. I'm never gonna meet anybody, right, and it just spirals out of control, right?

Cleveland Oakes: 31:26

So that helps us move on to our next piece, which is the self-criticism, which is different than self, which is different than self-awareness. Self-criticism, on the other hand, involves negative evaluations of yourself. It goes far beyond constructive self-assessment and involves harsh judgments on yourself, and let's talk about how that impacts anxiety and depression.

Lindsay Oakes: 31:48

I tell all of my clients to look in the mirror. Go and look in the mirror. What do you tell yourself? You see the little blemish. You don't look good that day. You look tired. You see the bags under your eyes, right. So how do you shift from seeing? Right, because we are our own worst critics. Right, we judge ourselves, and that's why I do that with all of my clients. Right, because we don't look. We don't see what other people see when we look in the mirror. We immediately go to a place of judgment, except for you, I think.

Cleveland Oakes: 32:20

Yeah well, I just go like, whew, I'm so handsome, but no, it's really important, right? I want you guys to ask yourselves a question. Do you remember what your co-worker had on last Tuesday at 11.59 am in the morning? Do any of you remember?

Lindsay Oakes: 32:37

Nobody would remember that.

Cleveland Oakes: 32:39

Yeah, and so there's this idea that people put on themselves like, oh, everybody's watching me, everybody sees me, but nine times out of 10, you know what other people are worried about they're worried about the same things that you're worried about.

Lindsay Oakes: 32:52

And they're not worried about you.

Cleveland Oakes: 32:53

And they're not worried about you. Right, you really have to be. And sometimes you're right, like, oh, but you got to be a clown for people to actually be worried about you, or you have to be the bull in the China shop that's knocking everything down. And then it's like, oh, we got to watch out for Tony, because that guy's not watching out for himself. But nine times out of 10, nobody's worried about you. And the self-criticism that you're beating yourself up with what you're saying like I'm worthless and I'm useless, that's in your head.

Lindsay Oakes: 33:21

Well, it increases your anxiety, right? Or your feelings of sadness. It impacts you personally, right? You don't feel like you're worthy to other people, or you're never going to meet anybody. Oh, I'll never have any friends, I'm a failure, right? It perpetuates the negative thinking and the negative core beliefs.

Cleveland Oakes: 33:41

And so how does that then go to adversely impact someone who's looking for a relationship, or looking or trying to maintain relationships?

Lindsay Oakes: 33:50

Well, when you were dating, were you looking for somebody that was down on themselves all the time Hell. No, you want to have a partner or date somebody who is also positive. Right, Because it goes into that. I think we might have talked about it in one of the episodes, that kind of Debbie Downer thing.

Cleveland Oakes: 34:07

Yes.

Lindsay Oakes: 34:08

Right, you want to enjoy your time with somebody and not have it always turn into a negative.

Cleveland Oakes: 34:14

Yeah, and that's what happens, right. It's like that person that's very self-critical actually sucks the air out of the room, and it does lead to insecurities. It does lead to decreased self-esteem and it leads to when we think about the nice guy episode that we just did in the previous week it leads to difficulty communicating your needs right and which causes your partner to be confused.

Lindsay Oakes: 34:37

Right, because if you don't think you're worth it, you're not going to communicate your needs, and the number one thing when you're in a relationship with someone and have a connection with someone is that they can hold space for you, whether or not you've cleaned up your side of the street or not.

Cleveland Oakes: 34:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. The primary difference between self-awareness and self-criticism is the approach and the outcome of self-reflection. Self-awareness involves observing and understanding your thoughts, your behaviors, your feelings from a neutral or a positive perspective, and it encourages growth and learning. In contrast, self-criticism involves judging yourself harshly and unfairly and will, nine times out of 10, lead to negative outcomes such as decreased self-esteem, increased anxiety and increased depression. Lindsay, what are some strategies, because you're my guru on this?

Lindsay Oakes: 35:34

Well, actually, before that, I want to say I'm also thinking about the flip side of it, which are people that are unaware and are really kind of pompous and boastful and they think that they're so fabulous. That's the other side of the unawareness. And just because I and those are the people that they say they don't think of themselves negatively, but it's almost like they think they're better than everyone, there's this grandiosity.

Cleveland Oakes: 36:08

And it goes back to the point that I was making when it was making me think about this particular classmate Like, why are you talking, bro? Like, if you don't have and this is your I'm going to probably misquote you. If what I have to say, go ahead.

Lindsay Oakes: 36:22

You finish the quote for me is not of greater value than the silence, than I should just shut my mouth. Yes.

Cleveland Oakes: 36:28

Basically yes, and so a lot of times, especially when I'm interacting with the group is this joke funny? Is what I'm going to say actually going to lead to anything? And so self-awareness is more like you should be. I'm not going to say you should be calculating, but you should be a little bit more calculating in your interactions with people when you're self-aware.

Lindsay Oakes: 36:47

The jokingness is the cover up for the insecure feelings. Right, right so.

Cleveland Oakes: 36:51

Or the need to correct somebody Like right, and we all have that person in our life that you mispronounce it tomato and they're like no tomato. Or you know who likes that person? I. You know a friend of mine from Germany, which is ironic. He's like oh, that person is a grandma Nazi, and but no, I don't like a lot of people.

Lindsay Oakes: 37:10

So that's something I really struggle with is being able to tolerate people. I just think also it's the nature of where we live and the people that I have to interact with on a daily basis that are very unaware, and so it makes it very challenging for me to interact, because I would rather not interact than sit and listen to this victim. You know blaming behavior and complaining. It's so frustrating for me.

Cleveland Oakes: 37:38

Or even to your flip point, right. Like I said, my friend who talks about people being a grandma Nazis, this person that is interjecting himself, has to be right all the time that has to be right all the time, right, so unattractive? Yes, and that also comes to your point from a lack of self-awareness. Let's talk about some strategies which you're really good at to help foster healthy self-awareness.

Lindsay Oakes: 38:01

My favorite mindfulness and meditation and breathwork. Mindfulness makes you more present, makes you live a little bit more in the present moment, teaches you strategies for when you're feeling anxious or you're feeling sad or nervous if you're in a group, and there's a lot of different strategies that. It teaches you Breathwork amazing, right? Dharma Mitra says that when you practice breathwork the right way, you feel like you smoked the best joint of your life and that really the breathwork, it teaches you also to be present and it relaxes the body. It makes you feel I mean, it really does make you feel very good. I'm going to teach you some today because I keep saying I'm going to. And meditation right, meditation also does the same thing For me. I use all of these things to relax Whenever I'm feeling agitated, because all of these practices mindfulness, meditation, breathwork they all kind of reduce the nervous system, the level of the nervous system, the agitation in your body, and I always say if you wait to practice them until you're in crisis mode, it's too late. You have to practice these things daily so that your nervous system remains a little bit more relaxed. You don't want to always be in this heightened state of anxiety, but you do need to practice these things on a daily basis and I have a client and I love him very much because he just does the work and a couple of weeks ago I asked him how he was feeling.

Lindsay Oakes: 39:41

I said we haven't even been seeing each other that long and I can't believe the progress you've made. And he knew it was eight weeks. I said what has it been Like six weeks? He's like eight weeks, eight weeks. He knew his first date of therapy. He comes religiously every single week and this guy has done the work and he's not well-educated. He does not have a high school diploma. He works in a factory job. I believe this man makes the investment in himself Because it's important to him and he thought I was going to tell him he did so well that he was leaving and he went into a panic and he's like no, I'm not ready yet.

Lindsay Oakes: 40:18

And I said, no, no, I would like you to just self-reflect a few minutes and notice the difference. And then this week he came in and he said I notice that I'm agitated all the time and I had already sent him the 40-day mindfulness practice on the first session we met, because I do that for every client. I see and I said, well, maybe you should finally open that email.

Cleveland Oakes: 40:38

I sent you. I want to stop you right there and I want to ask you because this is a point goes back to physical awareness is the body scan right? Yeah, talk about understanding about your body and what you're feeling and how that can help you.

Lindsay Oakes: 40:49

Well, I think a lot of people are disconnected from their body, so these practices actually make you more aware of what you're feeling. You have to be aware of where you feel things. Right. When you are agitated, it could feel very different for me than it does for you. For example, you have to know where in your body do you feel it, what does it feel like, what are your perceptions of it, what are your actual feelings or emotions about it.

Lindsay Oakes: 41:16

And there's actually full classes of yoga and nidra, which I've taken you to do, where you do a body scan like a psychic sleep. There's a tension brought to all of the parts of the body, right the outside of the body, the inside, the organs. People don't. People are not. When you're not aware, you don't feel the things in your body. For me, I know that if I'm feeling super stressed, I feel it creeping up, I feel my, I do get agitated and then I feel the tension. And that's usually my key clue to say, OK, step away, you need 10 minutes, Go sit and meditate, breathe, do whatever you need to do and then come back to it.

Cleveland Oakes: 41:56

Moving on from that and those are very helpful tips is I want to go on to the next section, which is some other tips that you can use. One is feedback solicitation right, and there's a couple of things and this one is interesting to me I discovered called 360-degree feedback right, and I don't know if I would actually walk around and actively do this, but this kind of feedback is like asking a variety of people in your life and I guess it would be people that you trust who's like hey, can you tell me how I'm doing? Mayor Koch used to always say that, like how am I doing? Right?

Lindsay Oakes: 42:25

But I don't think that's a positive, that's like not a positive technique to me, yeah, to me, yeah. I don't know if that's a positive technique, I think that would mean that people are giving you their opinion yes, right, and it's not necessarily going to be useful or helpful in any way.

Cleveland Oakes: 42:42

Yeah, that's what I said. That one I know what they say about opinions. Yeah, yeah, that's one. If you did a 360 feedback, I would only do it with as the next section says, with a trusted person, with a mentor, a coach, your wife, your husband, maybe even your family, like your children, and say, hey, how am I doing?

Lindsay Oakes: 43:02

Like, what's going on, but the people that you're closest with are always going to tell you the worst things about yourself.

Cleveland Oakes: 43:06

But maybe you need to hear right. So when you've asked me unless you said less self-disclosed you'll ask me how's the marriage going? I said how's your mental health?

Lindsay Oakes: 43:14

Yeah, absolutely, and so I think those kind of things, but I'm not saying how am I doing in this particular situation? No, we have open communication, right. So that's what. There's a difference between open communication and somebody just eliciting feedback from another person.

Cleveland Oakes: 43:30

Yes, and that's what I'm saying feedback, and so I agree with you on that part. Like, if you're going to get feedback solicitation, make sure that it is from a qualified individual, not your cousin like Jabroni, who might tell you yeah man, I agree with you, the moon is cheese, I mean, you know, and so make sure that you get good feedback. I do think it's a good skill to have to get feedback, but get it from a proper source, a counselor or somebody that you respect.

Lindsay Oakes: 43:58

Well, feedback should also be positive and negative.

Cleveland Oakes: 44:01

Right.

Lindsay Oakes: 44:01

There should be constructive criticism, but there should also be positive as well, and that's one of the things that we talked about in another episode as well is that often we live in a society where the feedback is only negative?

Cleveland Oakes: 44:14

Yes, yes, I want to go on to mindful listening, which is something that everyone could use. Benjamin Franklin once famously said the only reason that two people talk to each other is the other person is waiting for his turn to speak. So, lindsay, talk to me about active listening, and what does that mean to you?

Lindsay Oakes: 44:31

We do this practice in my training that I'm in, where the person leading the training because it's tomorrow morning again he always brings attention and checks in with us to see are you actually listening or is your mind going somewhere else? Right, because it's very hard to. It's not possible to be 100% tuned in. We're always going to be thinking about something else, or you're at home and you're in this training and it's five o'clock in the morning and then something dings or the alarm goes off or the dog barks. So there's always things that are going to take our attention. But mindful listening is just being present and just paying attention to people when they come to you.

Cleveland Oakes: 45:15

Here's one that I came up with silent practice, which you probably would love me to be a little more silent. I love silent practices, but it's like spinning. You're going to do a silent retreat. I am Later on this year and I want to come with you, so hopefully that we can make that work out. But why is I?

Lindsay Oakes: 45:29

don't want you to come with me. Oh, love you.

Cleveland Oakes: 45:33

That's sad. That was unexpected. No, no, I know you're just kidding, but why is silent? Am I? Well, maybe you're not, but why is Definitely do it with me? Why is silent practice important in this journey of self-awareness?

Lindsay Oakes: 45:47

Because when you're quiet, that's when things come up that you need to work on, and that also happens in meditation. If you do a silent meditation, right, but you, when you sit there, the thoughts that flood in are typically the things that you need to look at within yourself and what you need to like work on, and this kind of allows you to be more aware and more present within your body.

Cleveland Oakes: 46:11

And I think silent practice goes back to something that you shared with me is do it, does it have to be said? Now, go ahead.

Lindsay Oakes: 46:18

You always quote it all crazy to be said now. Does it have to be said by me? Does it have to be said at all? Right, and that most things don't need to be said. Most, I mean, yes, I believe that I really do.

Cleveland Oakes: 46:29

I'm not, but I'm not a very big talker, so yeah, but no, I agree with you and I found that when I used to find myself in trouble, a lot is because I was randomly shooting off at the mouth right and I was as well, and so silent practice really helps with self-awareness because it helps you once again think more strategically in your interactions. One of your personal favorites, before we move on to the next topic, is a stepping out of your comfort zone and something. Always sit down with clients and talk about smart goals as goal setting and review, so regularly challenge yourself to do things outside of your comfort zone, like the show you know is one of them. I'm about to quit my job too. Yeah, because I've like had enough.

Lindsay Oakes: 47:13

Right. Set challenges for yourself, and the difference is when you're where you are now. That's your status quo in the moment, right, you're not happy, but you go through the motions and it's good enough. The difference between that and where you want to be is that what's in the way is fear, right, and you know so. Being kind of unhappy in your job or in relationships is painful, right, and the path to getting where you want to be is going to be painful too. But the reward is great when you get there, and that's why it is so important to set personal challenges and to get yourself out of your comfort zone.

Lindsay Oakes: 47:56

I love to do stuff like that. I do it impulsively, right? I sign up for something like a retreat and then I'm like, oh man, I shouldn't have done it, but I paid, so I can't get my money back. I guess I'm going, and on the other end of it, you always come out better, right. You always come out a better version of yourself. You know, I go on retreat every year.

Lindsay Oakes: 48:17

I was just talking to you about it the other day. I actually have to book it, but I love that you go. There's no Wi-Fi, there's no self service, there's just beautiful outdoor space. Somebody's cooking for you, so you don't really have to do anything. They have a nice little bed that's made up for you and you have your own private room, and so you just go there and you can just be with yourself, because you don't have to be distracted by doing other things. You don't have to go and cook meals and clean dishes and do laundry and make beds, and it's just. It's really wonderful. It's really wonderful because it does give you an opportunity to really be fully present with yourself.

Cleveland Oakes: 48:58

And it's. This is a good, that's a good jumping off point to talk about the challenges, right? Because you just stated that this, this, this process of awareness, is not necessarily an easy one. Like, oh oh, I just realized I'm an asshole. You know, that's our neighbor next door.

Lindsay Oakes: 49:13

Oh my gosh, she's never going to realize that. But there's some challenges, you know. I wouldn't even say that, let's just backtrack for a minute, right? I think it's just that she really has absolutely no awareness that nobody in the neighborhood likes her because she's in everybody's business. Right.

Lindsay Oakes: 49:28

So you have to have a level of compassion where you're like, wow, like imagine going through life like that and thinking that people like you. But really you're like ringing doorbells and placing complaints with the Department of Buildings or with sanitation. Why do you have to do that? Yeah, like I really don't care what the other people on the block are doing, as long as it's not impacting me. Someone putting their garbage out before 7 pm Not impacting me, not, yeah, and we'll talk about that next week when we do our.

Cleveland Oakes: 49:57

Keep your side of the street clean, which is literally, literally, but let's, but yes, but that's a good point, right, because developing self-awareness is a fundamental aspect of personal growth and emotional intelligence, and it involves, once again, understanding your own emotions, your desires, your motivations and behaviors. However, as you've pointed out, lindsay, this journey is without challenges, and the common it's not without challenges, not without challenges. Thank you for correcting me. Common obstacles, such as denial, fear and discomfort will hinder the process, and let's start off with denial. So denial is a defense mechanism where you refuse to accept the reality of facts. Right, and we definitely have people in our lives, I think you, I can I'm not going to say the person's name, but they, there's no consequences, like. Every time life smacks this person in the face and they're kidding the face and somebody else in the face. There's no consequences, there's, there's, there's like.

Lindsay Oakes: 50:52

Well, that's just a gross lack of of awareness. Yeah, and that's denial.

Cleveland Oakes: 50:58

Well right, because that's an inability to see your role in something or to even acknowledge that you had a part in it, right, right, you listen when too many people have come up to me and say, hey, you talk a lot, hey, you talk too much, right? I'm thinking of Bono. I'm thinking of we're watching Survivor and everybody, even Jeff, was like Bono, yo, my man, like stop talking, right. But Bono, instead of saying like wow, maybe I'm talking too much, he's like I want to win a million hearts. Well, bro, denying that you're self aware, denying that you are not aware and you're not accepting the feedback, is not going to help you get a million hearts. What do you think about that, lindsay?

Lindsay Oakes: 51:39

Absolutely. But there's also that's, awareness of what you're saying and what you're not saying, right, right. And I think in that situation it's really hard to, because one of the women on the team with him said you know, this is a game where you're supposed to lie, yeah, and so if you're a person who can't lie and you can't be sneaky and manipulative, you probably shouldn't be on.

Cleveland Oakes: 51:59

Survivor Probably shouldn't be on the show, right? Well, but at least that person realizes it, whereas Bono doesn't, right, he's in denial, right. And so how do you come out of denial as you see constructive feedback and criticism? You go to counseling, right. You go to see a therapist. Go to see someone and listen to perspectives. You know, like Elise said it would, life would be so much better if we were all purple, if we all didn't stick to our thoughts. But don't deny that, like somebody else's existence, or don't deny somebody else's perspective, but listen to the perspective. That, outside of your own, will help you break your own denial, right. And some of the things that you can do to make sure that you're not programmed or you're denying stuff are right down, is journaling. Right down your thoughts and write down your thoughts and insights so you can even understand how your inner mind is working. I want to move on to the second thing that could be a block, which is fear.

Lindsay Oakes: 52:50

Well, we just talked about that a few minutes ago. Fear is what's between where you are and where you want to be right, and so when you look at yourself and you do this deep dive into your internal self, it's scary, it's painful. I mean, you saw me. I was going through it a few weeks ago, thinking about my own stuff and wounds that I had and I was like crap. I thought this was healed. It's so frustrating, right, and you know, to get from here to there you're going to it's going to be scary. It is. There's nobody, unless you can win the lotto and go and start off on your own in the life you want. Right, there's going to be some fear and some, like you know, things that you have to encounter that you're not comfortable with.

Cleveland Oakes: 53:33

Yeah, and the way that you do this smartly is is you gradually expose yourself to the self-reflection right, Like you don't want to rip the bandaid off, it will small changes, right.

Lindsay Oakes: 53:44

Little changes. You don't have to do everything at once, like for my client who's doing the dating phone conversation first. Don't make any decisions after the phone conversation. See how it goes right, then you go on a date. If it's not all sunshine and roses and sparkles, it doesn't mean that there doesn't have to be a second date, right, but reflect on you know how it went and what's going on for you, and then you can make a decision right. But you have to you do have to, you know be a little bit flexible too.

Cleveland Oakes: 54:20

Yeah, and then this leads us to the last obstacle, which is kind of repetitive and you kind of already touched on it, but I do want to touch on it one more time is the discomfort of introspection, right, and introspection is the process of once again of self-examination, of examining your thoughts and feelings, and this can be uncomfortable because it'll raise up once again, as Lindsay said, aspects of yourself that you might find out, like here. It is like this person across the way from us honestly does think that they're a nice person, right. And then when you sit down and you think about, like, the assholery and excuse me for cursing I promised a couple of folks that listen that I wouldn't curse, but this, in this case, assholery, is the only way to say it. Oh my God, I'm an asshole and it's inconsistent with your self image, right. And so talk about that a little bit, lids. Well, what in?

Lindsay Oakes: 55:05

I don't even know specifically what you want me to say.

Cleveland Oakes: 55:09

Yeah Well, like. Well, just talk about the discomfort, like, of realizing that you're not. I just said that when you it's not even realizing that you're you know an asshole, it's just like.

Lindsay Oakes: 55:18

Looking at all of your faults is not easy.

Cleveland Oakes: 55:21

Yes.

Lindsay Oakes: 55:21

Right, these are my wounds and they're not healed and I have work to do. Who wants to sit and think about the parts of themselves that they don't like so much? But we have to look at them because they're going to always be there. Right, the upbringing that I had is always going to bring that be there. The upbringing you had is always going to be there, but you have to learn to resolve it in a way that, yes, it's there, but it's not me, right, and it doesn't impact who I am anymore. Right, I am who I am as a result of that, yeah, and some of the solutions to this are always going to be mindfulness and meditation and, of course, professional guidance.

Cleveland Oakes: 55:56

Right, therapists or a life coach can provide a space for introspection and help you navigate the discomfort that comes with it. Right, these are some of the things. It would be great if you could do these things by yourself. A lot of times, because the work is so heavy, you do need someone to work it out with you, but that's important, just like you said this morning you went to church, I go to therapy, I do regular breath work, I have a meditation teacher.

Lindsay Oakes: 56:25

These people don't really help me actually do the work. What they do is they help me realize where the work has to be done and how my patterns and my thoughts and my beliefs about myself impact who I am. So it's just that other person, it's another perspective, it's someone who can see it, because you can see what people are about right away when you meet them. But a lot of times you can't see your own stuff in yourself, and so it's having somebody that helps you to kind of recognize it and then build upon your strengths and also accept your weaknesses is a really important and powerful thing. How does patience and compassion play into this?

Cleveland Oakes: 57:10

Oh, I tell my clients all the time be kind to yourself.

Lindsay Oakes: 57:13

You have to be kind to yourself. You have to be kind and compassionate to yourself. Right, it is okay to feel this way. Everybody is healing. There's nobody in this world that's doing great all the time, and if they are, they're full of it. But you have to be compassionate with yourself and say, like, it's okay to feel this way. Right, this is not who I am. I can change this Pattern or I can develop a new habit. So I think that's a really important piece. But I always do say just be kind to yourself. I'm like, be kind to yourself. So when you look at the parts of yourself that you don't like so much, like I was saying earlier, right, when you look in the mirror and you notice your weight or a blemish or whatever it is, also start to recognize something else too. That's more positive. One of my clients calls it giving himself a break.

Cleveland Oakes: 58:08

One of my clients calls it giving himself grace when he talks about the need for self-compassion. Tell me about education and learning Like how does that help you become more self-aware?

Lindsay Oakes: 58:19

What do you mean like education of what Well?

Cleveland Oakes: 58:22

about.

Cleveland Oakes: 58:22

What are some things, what are some psycho educational things you can read, or what are some things you know well.

Cleveland Oakes: 58:29

My thought on it is is you can educate yourself on emotional intelligence right. A part of what causes people to fail and I had somebody at work that said to me about the importance of education and learning on emotional intelligence is he was like Cleveland I can teach you how to write a spreadsheet, I can teach you construction, I can teach you how to do standard operating procedures, but what I cannot teach you, which you have a natural affinity for, is to be self aware and to have a high emotional intelligence right. And so, whereas some people are smart and you see it like this in the workplace and we did a episode last week on toxicity in the workplace or even in homes as a person may be smart, but they probably lack emotional intelligence. And so when I'm speaking about education and learning, I'm talking about improving your emotional intelligence right, which will help you improve not only your self awareness when you improve your emotional intelligence, but also your interactions with others.

Lindsay Oakes: 59:30

And that's done through all the practices that we talked about earlier. Because the thing is is I don't know if you have clients. I've seen clients before that just throw around all these therapeutic terms and it's like but what does that have to do anything? Because you could throw around all the terms, right, you could read all the books, but if you don't actually do the work, it doesn't matter.

Cleveland Oakes: 59:51

I like to say that a person might know a 99 ways to make love but can't get a date on Saturday night because they don't have the emotional intelligence right. They don't know how to interact with folks, and this is what I'm going to ask you about. This one is a clear question, that I'm not going to be word rambling. Why is it important to set clear goals? I like to talk about smart goals with my clients, but why is it important to set clear goals?

Lindsay Oakes: 1:00:15

Well, do you want to be stuck where you are forever, or do you want to make progress and do you want to evolve into a better version of yourself?

Cleveland Oakes: 1:00:24

So I thought I couldn't say it better than that. That leads us to the conclusion, and I'm just going to summarize some key points, but then I'm going to let Lindsey just wrap it up with some final words of wisdom. But what we talked about in today's episode is we talked about the importance of self-awareness, and we started off by defining what self-awareness is, and we talked about emotional self-awareness and psychological self-awareness and even, to a small degree, physical self-awareness, like recognizing those signals and signs in your body that are telling you up, you're doing that thing again or up, you're getting ready to feel that way again. We talked about self-criticism, and we talked about positive self-talk and the difference between self-awareness and self-criticism. We talked about meditation and soliciting feedback, and getting feedback not just from any source, but from a reputable therapist or life coach or somebody in your life who has achieved a modicum of happiness and success.

Cleveland Oakes: 1:01:20

You don't want to get that advice just from a random person who's not necessarily doing any things with themselves. You want to practice mindful listening. You want to step out of your comfort zone, which is what the show is all about, and then there's some resources that you definitely can use. You can use Headspace, which is an app that's calm, which is an app, a book that you can read is the Untethered Soul, the Journey to Beyond Yourself, by Michael A Singer. There's Awareness, the Perils and Opportunities of Reality by Anthony D'Amello, and these will all be in the show notes and the Power of Now, a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.

Cleveland Oakes: 1:01:57

Oh is that Eckhart Tolle. That is Eckhart Tolle. Yeah, emphasizes the importance. I have to read that for my training. Yeah, I'm going to read it when we go on vacation. Yeah, emphasizes the importance of living in the present moment and how it can lead to a more fulfilled life. And that's pretty much it. We talked about denial and fear and the discomfort of introspection, but, like I said, I want Lindsay to really give the last word here on self-awareness and mindfulness, because this is your jam you always tell me when I'm not being aware. So what is a final note that you can leave our listeners with about the importance of self-awareness?

Lindsay Oakes: 1:02:33

Become more self-aware, do the work, conquer your fears, take small steps towards the bigger goal. Yeah, I mean, that's really all it is. It's hard, right, it's not easy. Life is hard. We're going to encounter challenges, but the more self-aware that you are, the more that you recognize your role in things and then the more that you're able to move on from them and not get stuck.

Cleveland Oakes: 1:02:58

Yeah, I agree. Being self-awareness is a profoundly personal journey, is what I'm hearing you say, and that it's unique for everyone. And while the obstacles that we talked about denial, fear and discomfort are common, they are not insurmountable. And with the right strategies and with the right support, anyone even you at home, who might be in the depths of despair can overcome these barriers and embark on a path of self-discovery and personal growth. As Lindsay said, that ain't necessarily going to be easy.

Lindsay Oakes: 1:03:31

It is not easy. Sometimes you just got to sit in it and feel all the feels. But you don't have to fix them, just know that they're there. Yeah.

Cleveland Oakes: 1:03:39

Well, this has been Cleveland and Lindsay and this has been another episode of the Devil. You Don't Know. If you like what you heard, please rate and review us on iTunes, a Spotify or whatever podcast that you have, whatever podcast format you're listening to us on and subscribe. Until the next time.