Unapologetic Swingers: Episode 6 - Communication or Lack There Of

What happens when communication between you and your partner breaks down? Well buckle up because we'll go through our own experience and how it ultimately manifested and impacted our lifestyle journey.

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Transcript

0:09

Good morning everyone and welcome back to the Unapologetic Swingers. I am the Tramp and I have to apologize strangely enough that it's been so long since we have recorded anything. We've had a little bit of shake up on our side so today is going to be a topical episode and as we sat down to record on this, because I thought it was very important to be fully transparent with your listeners, I could tell that lady was just, her heart wasn't in it and I have to respect that. So she gave me full permission to. record from my point of view, and I'm here to share that with you today. And as a side note, I'm confident that this will be just a very rare occurrence. There may be a time that lady records on a topic that's important to her, but next episode we should be back to our full glory. So don't worry about us too much. We're going to slot this in as episode six with the unapologetic topic being communication. Over the last couple months, we had what I would call a communication breakdown. And not to say we stopped communicating, but rather we weren't communicating on the level that we should have. And breakdowns can happen for a myriad of reasons. It could be stress. It could be burying your head in the sand about something that you don't want to bring up to your partner. It could even be a reaction to feeling like your needs are not being properly met. And so it knocks off a chain reaction. of events in our case that ended in pretty spectacular fashion. I may not get into all the gory details but you'll have enough to put the pieces together. It's funny how hindsight is always 20 20 in terms of you can look back and say I should have noticed that several months ago or now you're putting together the pieces of the puzzle and it all makes sense. Whereas at the time in the whole sequence of events, you were just scratching your head trying to figure out what the hell was going on. So our breakdown again happened because of a lack of communication. That we should have had all along, strangely enough, it wasn't anything lifestyle related, it was on the interpersonal level in terms of, pick whatever hot topic you and your spouse may not want to talk about. And bury your head in the sand. I know I've used that euphemism just a couple minutes ago, whether it be finances or long term planning or ambition. It could even be as simple as house chores, chores around the house. And I'm not going to focus on what it was for us that caused this to come to a head, but what I want to focus on is how it manifested itself. The source really doesn't matter, just the fact that it was happening. And when I started to notice the signs that I did not press Lady as to what the hell was going on, And for her that when I asked her that she said, well, nothing's wrong, which again, back and forth, you can blame us both there for me for not pressing and her for not being as forward as we should be. And the thing is breakdowns happen. over time and they create distance in a relationship. It wasn't all at once. Of course, it happened over many months and some days, most of the time it was fantastic, but I started to notice a disconnect between us and, I am a physically loving person. So when I, that's my love language. So when I don't get that or feel that love, it sends off all of the radar alerts in my brain. And I'm trying to figure out what is going on here. And With lady not giving me the feedback that honestly she probably should have. It caused me to spiral and I have to say that it more or less it manifested itself when we were in the lifestyle environment because it tends to be a higher stress environment. And every person has their own coping mechanisms. And unfortunately, mine turned to alcohol. So we would be at various lifestyle events, whether it be a club or a party or whatnot. Or even out with some of our closest friends, some of the other troublemakers. And this doubt that had come up with this disconnect in the back of my mind was ever present. And I used, alcohol as a coping mechanism and it wasn't good that just push lady away even more. And again, now I can look back and put together the pieces of the puzzle. And see the chain and it all started with one unspoken expectation that she had of me that I was not meeting for her and I'm not putting all the blame on her please don't take it as that because we're all human we all have our faults. But in the lifestyle, communication should be your superpower. You should be able to bring any topic to your spouse without fear. And not let the silent expectations or the silent needs continue to be silent. For lack of better terms, and that's not the only reason why breakdowns of communication happen, you know, it could be stress or deflection, a. k. a. just sticking your head in the sand or simply not feeling like your core needs are being met. Maybe you're just getting lost you're not giving your spouse what he or she needs. Whether that makes sense is, maybe you guys can relate. I don't know. I'm just kind of talking off the cuff here. And if you were to ask me a couple months ago, I would have told you that our relationship was robust. Our years in the lifestyle has, Given us superpowers. Our foundation is strong. The natural stress that is placed upon it within this arena. For those who are experienced is unreal. So once you overcome that hurdle, all the doubts, all of the fears, you feel like you're bulletproof. And I think in our scenario we got a little lax. We assumed that we knew what each other was thinking. And I think that was the true pitfall, for lack of better terms. But to back up just a little bit, when I felt like we had a disconnect. And again, it wasn't all the time, but the signs were there. That lady was pulling away, and for the life of me, I could not figure out why or how. And as I mentioned, I would turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism. And I think that just kind of numbed me out a little bit and allowed me not to focus on what, what the hell was going on with my wife between us. Now, even during this time, we had some. phenomenal experiences, with our good friends and our connection afterwards was just as strong and after, it really reinforced me. But there was still always that nagging, nagging voice in the back of my mind. saying, you know, tramps, something is off. Something is wrong and we just can't quite put our finger on it. And I wish that I would have really pressed lady and sat her down and said, we're not leaving here until you tell me what in the hell is going on. It made me honestly that unsettled. I guess I want to tell this as a cautionary tale. Don't ignore the little signs or if you're feeling uneasy about something, don't let it go. Just don't bare your head in the sand thinking it will get better on its own. In any relationship, you're two people with Two very unique minds, unique opinions, and all of that. We think we know what our significant other wants and needs, but it's up to you to also tell your significant other what you want and need. Sometimes I have to remind Lady that I am not a mind reader. I'd love to be, don't get me wrong, but I and no one I know can read minds. If, if I did, I'd be a very rich man right now. So it finally came to a head a couple weeks ago and we had gone out with Some of our very close friends some of the troublemakers and it was my birthday. And for whatever reason, I could not shake this nine feeling in my gut that I just felt like lady was falling away from me. I couldn't figure out why, even though I had asked her repeatedly. I think with alcohol, not only does it numb you, but I tend to retreat into myself. And I was scouring my brain, even though I was surrounded by friends and getting love, you know, feeling the love from them. I was just introverted and it was my own damn birthday dinner. Yeah, I smiled. I put on a good facade, but I just wasn't engaged. I wasn't involved and lady noticed it and yeah, I had probably a couple too many drinks. Surprise, surprise. And the whole time I was in my own head. Just trying to get to the bottom of the situation. And finally, on the car ride home, I started to talk openly with ladies saying, babe, what do you want? What do you need? I see you laughing with our friends, but I feel like you never laugh with me anymore. And what, what do they give you that I don't. Do I need to reinvent myself? Do I need to change for the sake of us? And she really kind of got mad at me, to be honest. Saying, what, what are you talking about? And to a certain extent, still not answering, still not giving me the answers that I needed or quite frankly deserved. And honestly, I, I got kind of angry and I'm a very even keeled person naturally, but something about her lack of base communication here when I was clearly hurting just put me in a bad place. Thanks. In a really bad place. And so what, what did I do to cope? I drank some more when we got home and things bumped along for a couple more days, and then we decided to go to the club with some friends. It was a Sunday fun day, and I think I had reached the end of my rope. I was about ready to snap and maybe as a cautionary tale to you guys, never go into a situation, whether it's a date or going to the club or a party with a negative attitude or. just negative energy because it will backfire spectacularly. People say they don't want the drama in the lifestyle. They can almost sniff it out, those that are experienced. Not that I or we generated the drama, but the whole afternoon I was social, but I was in my head and And coping and trying to figure out. And we basically separated all afternoon. She was on the other side of the table, just talking with friends and socializing. And I was on my side of the table and I kept wondering why doesn't she want to be around me? Why does she place herself as far away as possible? And after a while, it can really mess with you. we had some friends that had been wanting to play. So I started interacting with the gal and so did lady. She started to interact with the husband. And at that moment. As things were getting started, I can honestly say I just checked out. And I walked away and sat by myself. Lady did notice and came and found me. And I'll admit, I was pretty hammered. And I think for her, that was the breaking point. We had each found our unique breaking points, I guess you could say. And so we made our way home, and there was just that uncomfortable silence. I'm thinking, Did I do something I don't remember? Well, no, I mean, I know I was pretty hammered, but I wasn't blackout, but she was like, I just need time to figure stuff out and over the course of a couple days and just silence and cold around the house, I finally sat her down and said, look, we're going to talk about this. And. And once I did that, once I truly forced her, the floodgates opened, and we laughed and we cried, and I feel like we finally got back on track, and honestly, it was a long time in the making. You know, that level of stress on a person. On a relationship is tough and when she was finally blunt and honest with me, everything snapped into focus and she finally let me know what she had been lacking. From me, what she needs in this particular arena of our relationship. And all I could think of is, why did this take so long? How could we let it get so bad that it nearly fractured us, nearly caused us to just say, fuck it and walk away. And it was certainly eye opening. It was, it was an insecurity of hers that really wasn't on my radar, but it was definitely on hers. And now that I know, I can address it. We can address it. But what I'm going to do right now is pause real quick and tell you about our new partner, which is shivers, which is an edible CBD derived sensation enhancer. And these things are pretty damn awesome. There are two specialized formulas and they're specially formulized for both men and women. respectively. And when I say that these could replace alcohol in lifestyle situations, I think this is going to be my go to from here on out. What they do is they usually kick in after 30 to 60 minutes. And personally, I find that I get an energy boost, which really makes a lot of sense since a lot of clubs go well into the morning hours, but even better when they're in full effect, every touch is magnified. It really does send those shivers right down your spine. They named this thing incredibly well, but it doesn't just end there. My pleasure is increased. Everything is just a lot better. A lot more, I don't know if tantric's the right word, but it's magnified and the slightest touch just feels so good. But even better, I don't wake up the next day feeling hungover or groggy like I do with alcohol or some other edibles. And on top of that, it does have a lot of the same effects in terms of, I find myself being a lot more relaxed. I'm social. and just everything is better. So we would love for you guys to try them out. We have arranged a special discount at shivers. store on any of their products. Just use the code US for unapologetic swingers at checkout for 10 percent off your entire order. A link can also be found on our website. And please let us know what you think. It's pretty obvious. We think they are incredible and awesome. So I'm going to launch into the unapologetic honesty, even though this whole thing has probably seemed like unapologetic honesty. And the question is, after reaching this crescendo, where do we go from here? We've both agreed to Take a step back from the active lifestyle. My anticipation is it will be momentary. Because Lady has told me that she would like to get back to it in time. And for me, it's really one of the favorite things about Lady. It's brought us so much closer together, and because there's still so many fantasies, so many adventures that I want to have with her. But for the time being, we're, we're taking a step back. We're still socializing with our close friends, like the troublemakers and it's really an outlet. I don't know about you guys, but I think swingers are most of the time, the most genuine and kind people that you can meet. And in social situations, you can just have these crazy conversations and say you're out to dinner and you're looking over your shoulder, wondering, I wonder if the next table is eavesdropping in and, wondering if they're intrigued or what, and you try to keep it on the, on the hush on the down low, but it's those crazy conversations. And. Just the friends we've made would be so hard for me personally to give up because they truly are, I think, some of our closest friends. But where are we going from here? On top of stepping back, we're taking some time to really focus on us. We've set aside 90 days to Have those difficult conversations, and we have a whole list of things, whether it's long term planning financial goals sexual fantasies, but a lot of these conversations are difficult conversations to have. You have to go in with not only an open mind. To receive the feedback that you're going to be getting, but you also have to fully release and not be afraid of hurting the other's feelings. And there's a tactful way to do that, and we're definitely there. We're not here just to beat down on each other when we have. These conversations saying, you know, you didn't do this, you didn't do that, et cetera, et cetera, but to treat it as a constructive exercise and really take it to heart and work toward those shared goals. Yeah, we're going to disagree on certain things and that's normal. That's 100 percent normal. But be able to come to a feasible consensus, one that benefits the two of us. Another thing we're doing is we are working through the five love languages. And I really picked this up from another lifestyle podcast where they had mentioned that. Their relationship only got stronger after working through the book and the workbook accompanying it. And for those that are unaware, it's the for our play podcast with Bella and Chase. They're a great couple, even though we've never met or even talked to those guys when they did that episode on the five love languages. It really, I guess, resonated with me. resonated. I can't talk. And it truly, it happened before we had this blowout. So when I brought it up to lady, she was like, that sounds good. And we're only a couple chapters in, but it's starting the deep diving and trying to understand what fills each other's Love Battery or Love Tank has been eye opening. As I mentioned earlier, mine is always going to be physical touch. Whereas for Lady, she enjoys it, but it's not for her. Hers is actually acts of service. Whereas I can honestly say that's not mine. If I need to do something, I do it. And if I don't need to do something, I don't do it. It's it's that simple. But we are in the next 90 or probably closer to 75 or 70 days. Now, we're really focusing. On the two of us and rebuilding our foundation. So it can be stronger and better than it has ever been. And I can honestly say I am confident that we will be back in no time. She has told me that she wants to continue the podcast, which I am. eternally grateful for. Because this is a good outlet for me and she has agreed as well. It's good. It's fun. It's good to talk about those experiences and the good and the bad, and we're really going to double down and tell you all about the good and the bad. And we've definitely had some doozies. So we'll be back to our normal routine here. And we so appreciate you guys sticking with us. But I thought it was important to let you know what was going on with the two of us and not just disappear. Leaving you guys hanging. I know there are a number of you that have reached out and told us how much you enjoy the podcast and our stories and have. even given you confidence to talk with your own spouse about the lifestyle or anything of that nature. So I have to say, I encourage you guys, if you're new, make communication your superpower. If you're old, you cannot let that communication at any level slip. Don't make assumptions. You need to hit everything head on and full bore. And if something is bothering you, you need to talk to your spouse about it. There's no if, ands or buts about it. In light of everything I'm not going to do an AMA this week, we'll be back with one at the next regular episode here in a week or two. And we will be talking about Las Vegas and some of our adventures and great early friends there. And we truly love that you guys have come on this adventure with us. We love your emails and all of your questions. Please don't let that stop. And if you do get a chance to try the Shivers product, let us know what you think. We're always looking for feedback in that arena. And even if it's just to say, hi we love that. And I can honestly say we answer each and every email. You can contact us at unapologetic swingers at gmail. com. And if you don't mind, please just leave us a review on whatever podcast platform you are listening to us on. And we have a website where you can also reach out to us and get the link to our partners. And if you're really feeling up to it We have a link on there for buy me a cup of coffee, which is a crowdfunding platform. And really we just use it to offset the production costs of the podcast, whether it be the, the hardware that we've already invested in or the hosting platform. Or even the subscription software that I use to do the editing and some of the behind the scenes magic. Anyway, we truly want to say thank you for giving us your time. We value you guys. So until next time, I'm the Tramp. Be sexy. Be confident. Be unapologetic.