Unapologetic Swingers: Epsiode 39 - The Lifestyle Lowdown: Listener Q&A

After a brief hiatus, Elle and the Tramp and back with a Dear Abby of assorted Ask Us Anything questions. It's good to be back! 

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Transcript

Elle 0:03

Welcome back to Unapologetic Swingers. I'm l

Tramp 0:06

and I'm the Tramp. And we know we've taken a little bit of a hiatus here.

Elle 0:12

Yeah. Hopefully you missed us.

Tramp 0:15

But In unapologetic swinger land, there have been a lot of moving parts the last couple weeks.

Elle 0:22

Oh God. It's quite the dance, hasn't it been?

Tramp 0:23

It has been. I know with j and l as they announced in a previous episode with their impending move. To the West Coast.

Elle 0:33

Yep. And Jay left last Friday with a fully loaded car to drive out there. And I'll be following after my six week post-op,'cause I did have fusion surgery you didn't wanna do a podcast with me, hopped up on. All sorts of medicinal stuff. Do you?

Tramp 0:53

You never know. That could be a lot of fun. But on top of that I myself have moved my physical address and one thing became crystal clear with that is there was no way in hell I could have done it without some amazing help and support.

Elle 1:10

Yes.

Tramp 1:10

And also you never realize how much shit you have until you have to move it.

Elle 1:14

Oh God, no. And we're, we didn't even move everything outta here. And so much was given away and so much was stored in the basement. And yeah, I don't wanna look at it ever again. I just don't. Nope.

Tramp 1:30

But to bring us full circle here, Truly my friends, we just want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your continuing listenership and support of us as we explore the lifestyle, the highs and lows in everything in between.

Elle 1:46

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Tramp 1:48

So El what is the topic today?

Elle 1:52

Since Jay is not here to do this with us, it's just you and I and we decided to just go a little rogue and do our own thing. I have had over the last few weeks being at the ranch and talking with people and had a number of people who had pulled me inside and said, I have a question. About the lifestyle and, maybe you guys could talk about it on the podcast. And tramp and I spent a little time last night looking through and talking about the different topics and thought maybe we'd do a little Dear Abby, in the lifestyle, and, take a number of AMAs and just talk about it. We do wanna say that with the full disclaimer. This is 100% our opinions based on our experiences, what we think this is by no means. What you should do or shouldn't do, we thought it'd be a good opportunity for us to maybe discuss some of these things.

Tramp 2:51

Yeah. That's the beauty of the lifestyle is with a even two people who are equally experienced, you are still gonna find sometimes differing opinions, and sometimes it can give you a nice point of view when you see a particular issue. From multiple perspectives, right? And then you can make your own informed decision,

Elle 3:10

right? Or maybe it sparks conversation with you and your partner and you go, okay, we'd never do either of those things, but how would we handle it?

Tramp 3:17

Very true.

Elle 3:18

Yeah. So we are no experts. Can we just play them on tv? Sorry. It's been a while.

Tramp 3:28

And I should probably add that we've done nominal research as far as. Predetermining our answers here. So really we are shooting from the hip with all of these

Elle 3:38

yeah. It was more a matter of, okay, what are the questions that we're gonna talk about?

Tramp 3:43

Yep.

Elle 3:43

And so we'll wing it from there.'cause it comes from the gut, then it comes from the heart and based on our own experiences and like we talked about a little bit last night, they're different.

Tramp 3:53

Very true.

Elle 3:53

Yeah. Okay. So the first thing is I had a couple that Jay and I had run into at kink night at the ranch, and we're talking with them and they'd been in the lifestyle for several years. I think about as long as Jay and I, and they have a good group of people that they hang out with, but as far as like playing they're kind of in a, a doldrum sort of, okay a meh, we just don't really feel like playing anymore. And, how does that work? And, is it time to get outta the lifestyle or should they stay in it? And I'm not gonna answer that specifically, but we can talk about. How we all go through that to some degree.

Tramp 4:33

So my off the cuff answer to that is just like in life, there are high cycles and there are low cycles, but it's a rhythm and you get into it. So you really have to look at what's going on in our personal lives, our marriage our family at that level. Is there a bunch of stress? Are there kids graduating from high school or college? Is there, I don't know, sickness or maybe even someone passing away like a grandparent, right? Or whatnot. And what kind of stress is that putting on your relationship and yeah. To be perfectly honest, cortisol is a bitch of a drug, it is the stress hormone. It's what we as humans naturally do when we are under an immense amount of stress, and it helps us cope with it. But by the same token it's gonna impact every aspect of your life.

Elle 5:24

Yeah. And you're maybe not gonna feel. Like having sex, but this could happen to a couple if they're not even in the lifestyle. This could be. Oh, absolutely. Just life in general comes into play and you're like, eh, I don't really feel like it right now. And I'm sure. Looking at them, I'm really sure that they definitely have sex with each other. Wonderful God. I hope so. God, I hope so. Very sexy couple. But I think, it ebbs and flows and we've had times where we're like, eh, should we. Stay in the lifestyle, do we, try to get a date or whatever. And we also do different things. So early on we dated a lot and went out and met people and then, might play. Now we probably talk more with people and play a lot less. And I think you go through a life cycle of stuff and maybe it is time to get out of it, but I certainly hope not because I think it's just such a great group of people around here that you come across that. There's no reason why you can't just keep those people in your life and focus on that for a while, and then that might change, and then later on you're like, Ooh, I wanna have a little sexy time with some other people.

Tramp 6:30

And realistically, I think I've mentioned before that. At this point, I consider the lifestyle. It's imprinted in my DNA, it's part of me now. So while I could probably, in a future relationship, let's just say if it were necessary, I could give up the play aspect. But the social aspect, yeah. Oh no. The, these are my people.

Elle 6:52

They're open, they're

Tramp 6:53

loving they're caring, they're open. And you get me.

Elle 6:54

Yeah. And you can talk about anything.

Tramp 6:56

Yeah. You feel like. Your home

Elle 6:59

right

Tramp 6:59

is the easiest way for me to put it. Now, with their particular dynamic maybe take a step back and reexamine your own partnership, your own connection. And what I mean by that is when one of the partners. Is like just super engaged and they're all lifestyle all the time and always, checking Cassidy or the apps and always looking for dates and always, it can make the other person feel like they're not nearly as important. So that's why I say look at your own foundation we know plenty of couples that they take a step back for a couple months, we won't see'em at the ranch, or they'll just. Not even check the apps and they're just really focusing on themselves.

Elle 7:44

Yeah. Regrouping

Tramp 7:45

and regrouping.

Elle 7:46

Yeah. And really finding the connection that they need. And then go from there. Yeah.

Tramp 7:50

I think both people need to be in at the same level, or both People need to have the same excitement, the same zest. The same drive to pursue it. And you can't be one or the other.

Elle 8:01

No. And if you both don't, then Yeah. Just. Don't put any pressure on yourself to feel that you have to. That's the beauty of it. There are no rules where you have to do this and you have to do that, and they have to do this. And if you don't, you're not in the lifestyle. We know people who go to the ranch all the time and never play with other couples. That's

Tramp 8:21

true.

Elle 8:21

They absolutely love the people, and that's what's important for them. So there's no right or wrong on that, but yeah, I think you're right. Check in with your partner. Make sure everybody's good. Then along those lines, a little bit of a variety on that. I was speaking with another couple this last weekend and they were saying, what do you do when you continually get in these situations where maybe they're a new couple and the woman is exploring her bisexual side, and so she's just very interested in playing with the woman, but the husband is left out and he goes, it just seems like we're on this consistent path of these are the people that we're wind up getting together with, and I'm feeling really left out. And I would say, my first thought is there needs to be more conversation beforehand of what the other person's. Expectations are.

Tramp 9:15

I would say with this, we're just gonna call them the newbie couple. One thing is you and your partner need to be on the same page as far as you're right, not expectations as we've talked about, but expectations between the two of you. You should be cognizant enough to see, what your partner's doing. Are they being excluded? If they are, if that's not part of your predetermined dynamic, then it's not okay. And you should be fully empowered to break off that play session and say, you know what? I'm gonna go back to my husband and we're gonna have some fun. And we'd load it if you guys would hang around. But yeah, it would feel pretty shitty just to be left out.

Elle 10:02

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't, I, know or think that it sounds like it was an intentional thing. They were just feeling like those were the only people that they were connecting with. But I would also say maybe cast a wider net, to find a couple, maybe someone who's more experienced. We got to the point where. We were more than happy to have dinner with another couple that was new and had a lot of questions and we would answer any questions that they wanted. Make them feel comfortable with stuff, but we were not gonna play. There's sometimes with the newer couples, it might be a little bit more drama with that because they are not sure of where they're at with things. And sometimes it's better for a new couple, maybe even to play with another new couple. To just explore that. I don't know, is that, that

Tramp 10:46

let them have their own drama just off to the side or whatever.

Elle 10:49

Stop. Again, we're not professionals. I'd like to just ref emphasize that,

Tramp 10:56

but Noelle, you're right. I do personally know couples that won't touch, quite frankly, new couples. With a 10 foot pole because of. The chance that there will be this drama explosion, probably because here's the magic word. Yep. Their communication is not what it should be yet. And we've all been there.

Elle 11:16

Yeah. Again. Happy to answer any questions. So that, they can get that stuff out.

Tramp 11:21

One additional aspect, and it's something that is a kind of a dark cloud in the lifestyle. This idea popped into my head. When you describe that situation l was wife poaching?

Elle 11:36

Yes.

Tramp 11:36

Where, you have one couple where they will do whatever they need to do to isolate. The wife and really leave the husband out in the cold.

Elle 11:49

Yeah.

Tramp 11:49

And so they're having their fun with the wife and it's really frowned upon. It is not a good tactic.

Elle 11:56

Exactly. And a lot of times, the husbands don't even have any idea that all this is happening and then all of a sudden his wife is off with another couple, or even just the woman and the husband is. Kind of just trying to keep him over here so his wife can have some fun and sometimes you don't really quite realize it's happening until after it's happened. And we've heard that from a couple of people. Yeah.

Tramp 12:20

And the reverse can happen where the hunter, husband. And the wife will go have fun, and then the wife of the hunter will change. Change your mind will be like, oh I don't feel like playing tonight. Let's just let's let them have their fun.

Elle 12:34

Yeah

Tramp 12:35

it's, I've heard that too. It's creepy and it's scuzzy and

Elle 12:38

Yeah. It's not cool, man. It's

Tramp 12:40

not cool. It's not cool.

Elle 12:42

Not at all.

Tramp 12:44

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Elle 13:35

And that's not just the first time you use it, right? You could use that every time you go to,

Tramp 13:39

yes, you can. You can keep on using it every single time.

Elle 13:41

cause we know some people who do, and this is for you. All right I think we had an. A that came to our email.

Tramp 13:49

Yes, we did.

Elle 13:50

Yeah. And it was basically she is an exhibitionist and he is much more reserved, very, I don't know if it's shy, but he's just not really comfortable playing out in the open. And I think she's getting frustrated, but he's got a lot of anxiety. And of course when you have anxiety, there's. Sometimes performance issues. Oh, absolutely. You don't want that to happen. But that happens to everybody.

Tramp 14:18

Been there, done that.

Elle 14:19

Yep. And no harm, no foul. But I, she was wanting to know how she can help her husband to feel more comfortable is that would be something she would enjoy even more. But I think she doesn't wanna push it too hard.'cause you still wanna. Be cognizant of how somebody else feels.

Tramp 14:37

And really you have to break that into, two distinct components. One would be anxiety and the physical manifestation, where he's just not getting hard. He may be able to pleasure her and do a lot of things, but he's just not up to the point of being able to perform. Or is it just simply a mental block where he is truly. Uncomfortable having people watch period. It's that level of anxiety.

Elle 15:09

Yeah. And so I think, most clubs have a variety of places in which you can play. Where some more open than others, some with a curtain. Definitely start with a curtain at the ranch. There's two cabanas downstairs that have a sheer curtain, and. You can't really see through it. It's not like it's a television screen and you're watching everything that's happening. Yeah. It's not crystal clear. You see, Bodies and movement and of course you can hear noises, which is always fun. But I think that's a good place to start for them to feel maybe a little bit more comfortable. But you brought up a really good point about how she can help him feel more comfortable.

Tramp 15:53

Yes. And. Here's the concept I'm thinking of there is, I know I've been in place situations where even out in the open area where the outside world. Fades away.

Elle 16:07

Yeah. It's like a five foot circle of which you don't see anything outside of that.

Tramp 16:11

Exactly. I'm not listening to other people. I'm not watching other people in my world in that moment, they do not exist. Now, I'll be upfront, that doesn't happen often, but I could tell you exactly why it happens. Why I am so focused on what's happening. With me and with my partner and with the people we choose to play with it's because I have all their attention and they have all of mine. I know that they're not looking around and they're not being distracted. So in this situation, I would challenge her to make him feel like the only person in the world

Elle 16:51

Yeah.

Tramp 16:52

That she is the center of his universe. At that moment.

Elle 16:56

And he is hers.

Tramp 16:57

And he is hers, and there is no chance to allow your attention to wander elsewhere.

Elle 17:04

Yeah, because I have noticed if you have a situation where everybody, whether it's your partner or a threesome or a foursome or

Tramp 17:13

more, some

Elle 17:14

more, some, that's even better because there's so many things going on. You almost can't. Focus on what's happening otherwise. And this is not to say that you can't be at the ranch playing and you get really distracted by stuff, but this is a situation where everybody is completely focused on each other in that little group. So your brain doesn't have enough capacity to even think about what's happening outside of that.

Tramp 17:38

Now I'm gonna go off on just a little tiny tangent here. Is, and this isn't just the Scarlet Ranch, this is probably every single club everywhere in the world, is people having casual conversations in the play area.

Elle 17:55

Oh yeah. Let's talk etiquette. Let's talk some etiquette here.

Tramp 17:59

And it is distracting. I've actually had people, that we were gonna play with, they start up a conversation on let's take this back upstairs and we can talk about whatever.

Elle 18:08

Yeah.

Tramp 18:08

But people are down here to play and they don't need to hear about. You know how little Susie had a recital or Yeah. Or how little Johnny, is playing peewee football.

Elle 18:18

Yeah.

Tramp 18:18

This is supposed to be a sexy, sacred space.

Elle 18:22

You're either playing or you're watching someone play or Yeah. You're just being with your partner and Yeah, you're right. The casual conversation needs to go back upstairs or away and it's hard when people are waiting for the rooms. And sometimes on some nights it gets pretty crowded down there.

Tramp 18:39

It does.

Elle 18:39

But to at least be cognizant and try to keep your voices down and and that way you have to get closer anyway to hear what someone's saying.

Tramp 18:48

That's true.

Elle 18:49

That's sexy. I've seen things start, I the entryway to the cabanas'cause people can't wait. So yeah, I think that's a really good point. And that would help maybe. To keep somebody from being distracted.

Tramp 19:03

I agree.

Elle 19:04

Yeah. So courtesy people.

Tramp 19:06

Alright, Ms. L, what is the next one?

Elle 19:08

So the next one is about reclamation, reclaiming your love after you have played with other people or someone else. So maybe a hot wife situation or a husband situation, or you've played with another couple and. Your partner has been having a grand time. What is it, is there a right or wrong on reclamation sex?

Tramp 19:36

I don't think so. I think it's going to be very specific to each person. And this can go both the masculine way or the feminine way. I know my own drive. Yes I essentially wanna reclaim my partner. I wanna make sure that she knows that she is mine. And part of it is by nature, I'm a very compulsive individual. When I have a partner, when I'm attached to that person, I truly enjoy watching them get pleasured and. Just have a screaming orgasm and seeing her make sounds that she doesn't make with me, I don't take that as a personal upfront.

Elle 20:18

No,

Tramp 20:18

I absolutely love that for her. But afterwards I want her back.

Elle 20:24

Yeah.

Tramp 20:25

That's my own personal drive there. Yeah. To be perfectly honest.

Elle 20:29

Yeah. And with us, I was thinking about it and. For us, it's more even just the cuddling and, talking about the evening or, the experience or whatever. We don't have that intense physical drive to reclaim each other. Yeah. That I say that doesn't happen.

Tramp 20:50

That reclamation in my mind, in a lot of ways is almost animalistic. It's like the primitive, hind brain. And yeah. You just wanna reclaim, yeah. You just wanna stake your territory. But to your statement there, el sometimes you're right. It's just that physical touch, it's that reassurance.

Elle 21:07

Yeah.

Tramp 21:08

Is what I'm reading. From what you're saying.

Elle 21:11

Yeah. And it's getting the pheromones of each other back on your bodies? And, my favorite place in the entire world to go to sleep is right in the crook of Jay's arm and our breathing matches and, we slow down our breathing and everything. There's just calm. And so to me that, that's where we feel we have to go to. No. So again, no right or wrong, answer to this. Situation. It's whatever you and your partner need. And you do have to talk about it. You do. And one partner might be okay, just snuggling and the other partner might need that animalistic.

Tramp 21:45

Yeah.

Elle 21:45

I, you have to figure something out on that.

Tramp 21:47

I had a previous partner where yeah, she would shut down after an experience. Oh. All I wanted to do was reconnect and I cannot tell you how difficult that was.

Elle 21:58

Yeah.

Tramp 21:58

To, to my own. Mental health, my own psyche.

Elle 22:02

I agree.

Tramp 22:02

Where, yeah, we would reconnect very well the next morning. But

Elle 22:08

she needed that time.

Tramp 22:09

She needed that time. I don't know if it's processing. I don't know what it was necessarily, to be honest,

Elle 22:14

because if you don't talk about it, you don't know

Tramp 22:16

Exactly.

Elle 22:16

It's, yeah. Not to be hurt by someone else and how they need to handle it, which you do need to discuss it and Okay. That's right. But we will reconnect in the morning and how awesome is that gonna be? But if you don't know, then you take that personally. Yeah.

Tramp 22:28

Yes you do. Yeah. And I think if you are in this arena, it doesn't matter if you are just dipping your toes in or thinking about it, or if you've been in it for years or even decades, the communication should never, ever stop.

Elle 22:45

No.'cause The situations change. So how will you know if you're not continuing to talk about it? Yeah.

Tramp 22:50

And even we as humans change, whether we get older and our hormones change.

Elle 22:55

Our needs change.

Tramp 22:56

Our needs change. You should be able to confide completely and truthfully with your partner.

Elle 23:04

I, that is the beautiful thing about the lifestyle. I didn't have that in previous relationships where I felt comfortable to even confide in what my needs were and what I needed in the relationships. So I'm so grateful for this silly thing called the lifestyle just for that reason alone. Just to have that openness and comforts we have one more sponsor that we do need to talk about. Yes, we do, of course, as we talk about them on most podcasts, and this episode is brought to you by The Scarlet Ranch as well. And Scarlet Ranch's, north American's premier upscale private lifestyle destination where the lights are low and the drinks are flowing and the energy is undeniable. Two seductive bars, an incredible restaurant, playful games, and downstairs spacious open areas and private rooms designed for exploration. You've heard our guests talk about it. We talked about it. Now it's your turn to explore it. So even if you need to travel to get here, which we have met several people who have done such a thing, do it and come visit scarlet ranch.com and let your night take you exactly where you want it to go.

Tramp 24:14

Love it.

Elle 24:15

Yay. Love those guys. The staff's so amazing.

Tramp 24:18

They are.

Elle 24:19

I'm gonna miss the staff. Oh, shout it to everybody.

Tramp 24:23

You're not, it's not a goodbye. It's

Elle 24:26

until next time. I know we're already planning on coming back, but it's not the same when you go someplace several times a week,

Tramp 24:33

that's fair. Yeah.

Elle 24:35

All right, so then the last thing we have here, but long one, what is something you and your partner wish you knew before getting into the lifestyle? And I think that's a big one for a lot of newbies is okay, where can we avoid little pitfalls?

Tramp 24:49

I feel like I can just Rapid fire.

Elle 24:53

Yeah.

Tramp 24:53

All these pitfalls that either myself or you and Jay stumbled into, granted you guys came in with a pretty good foundation, but me coming in just completely unaware. Yeah, there were a lot of. As you say at the beginning, the good, the bad, and the ugly. There was a lot of bad and ugly in the beginning.

Elle 25:16

Yeah. And I think that can happen. It's interesting'cause we talked about it briefly the other night. There's two ways to come into it. One is coming into it with a partner that you've been with for a while and you make the decision together, or somebody brings it up and they decide to. Dip their toe into the lifestyle. Or Jay and I where we met and three weeks later I was having my first foursome. So I didn't have that possessive feeling with him that, you would with somebody you've been together with for 20 years, 27, 36. We've heard all the numbers and it could be different pitfalls with both of those, but I think that's. Something to be aware of.

Tramp 25:59

Yeah. And it really boils down to, I think quite frankly, a couple pretty simple factors is we hammer on this every single episode, and even this episode, I know it's been brought up multiple times already. But you need that core base communication.

Elle 26:19

Yes.

Tramp 26:19

It's one thing to have some trepidation about. Maybe talking with your partner about this, that, or the other thing. Your

Elle 26:26

desires. Yeah.

Tramp 26:27

Yeah. Sometimes some of us hold those really close to our chests and we fear being judged even by those that claim to love us the most.

Elle 26:35

Or rejected.

Tramp 26:36

Or rejected, even worse. Yeah. But you need to at least have that baseline of. Communication Again, we talk about the new couples and the potential for drama.

Elle 26:46

Yeah. And I think it's interesting because, things do happen and you could be at a party or on a date or something, and you've discussed everything that you're okay with, and then something comes up and it's different than what you agreed to and maybe one partner. Pushes that boundary or whatever. And we had a couple Brady and Bree on. And something that really resonated with me, I thought is just brilliant is, yeah, you talk about what you're, basic. Rules are, but if something goes wrong or off that, unless it's something really bad, but if it's something we just didn't discuss that. To have grace to just go, okay, that wasn't what we discussed. We need to talk about it later. I'm not gonna make a scene here. And just to move through the evening and then be able to reconnect and go, okay, what happened with that? Like we had talked about this. Is this something we wanna do now? And not come at it as a combatant. You did this and it wasn't supposed to happen.

Tramp 27:48

Something that is very unique and powerful about those two is yes, they started off with boundaries, but then they decided to go to the far end of the spectrum and say. Realistically, we'll figure it out on

Elle 28:02

the back end.

Tramp 28:02

Yes. We have no boundaries and I'm going to give you the grace. We all have those situations where your partner does something and you don't quite know what it is, it could be within your established boundaries. Oh, sure. But it tweaks something in your brain, and it's something you don't like and it's not

Elle 28:17

Right that day.

Tramp 28:18

Yeah. Yeah. And It may be a problem that day, but a week before it wasn't a problem. And we're human. We're fallible.

Elle 28:24

Yeah.

Tramp 28:25

And so having the grace to be able to say, okay, I'm not gonna make a scene about this. This is not beyond the pale, but we can have an adult conversation after it. That's what I found so powerful about Brady and Bri's methodology. There was they have no boundaries. And if something comes up that they don't like. They don't blow up the Yeah. The whole experience situation. The situation. But they will reconvene after and have that level of ultimate communication where it's like, Hey, I really didn't like that. Can we just not do that again?

Elle 28:58

Or maybe let's not do this for a little while. We'll revisit it in a month or two.'Cause again, you don't, sometimes you don't know what it is. I had a situation. I've seen Jay kiss a number of people and I just happened to see one once and I'm like, Ooh, that just seems a little too intimate for me. Okay, that's fine. It was nothing on her, and he didn't do anything wrong,

Tramp 29:17

yeah. Just whatever day that rubbed you the wrong way.

Elle 29:20

Exactly. Exactly. Grateful he gives me grace. Something else that we talk about to really be aware of and is hard for people new in the lifestyle. We've know, we've heard stories of people sitting out in the parking lot for an hour and a half getting the courage up to come into the ranch

Tramp 29:37

and now are we talking liquid courage?

Elle 29:39

And Yes. And they'll be sitting out there, opening that bottle of wine or slamming the vodka or whatever, just trying to get that courage to come in or they come in. They're just to keep themselves relaxed and feeling okay, it's okay. Keep feeding themselves, wine or booze or whatever. And then they are too inebriated to one, give good consent.

Tramp 30:05

Yes.

Elle 30:05

And that's the big one for us. And it does lead to some drama sometimes too. So I think. Watching your intake of what you drink, have a drink, have a cocktail too. But just be aware. We are all adults and you wanna enjoy yourself. And if you have had too much to drink and can't enjoy yourself, then that's not a great evening. You wanna have a good evening?

Tramp 30:29

Not at all. I know I made several missteps early on, and just like you said, l it's exactly that. It's liquid courage. When we are inebriated, we make poor decisions.

Elle 30:41

Yeah.

Tramp 30:41

And so whether it be, it's oh, we played with that couple. Oh, that couple.

Elle 30:46

Oh

Tramp 30:46

yeah. I was like, I don't, yeah, let's not do that again.

Elle 30:50

Or I wasn't okay with that, but I didn't feel I could speak up.

Tramp 30:53

Or even worse. I don't even remember.

Elle 30:57

Oh, yeah, that'd be awful. I've

Tramp 30:58

heard that a couple times

Elle 30:59

where, and that's awful.

Tramp 31:00

Yeah.

Elle 31:01

No one wants to be on the other side of that either.

Tramp 31:03

No.

Elle 31:03

And we want the other person to enjoy their experience.

Tramp 31:07

Of course. I

Elle 31:08

want not drink, just

Tramp 31:10

Yes.

Elle 31:10

Be aware, self-aware.

Tramp 31:11

Yeah. I want to. Please and pleasure the person that I'm lucky enough to play with. I love that. That's part of my personality just as much as I wanna be pleasured. I wanna pleasure them. And to be perfectly honest, and I know this is a perpetual pet peeve of Jays where if a couple or someone is drunk is just over the top, it's not sexy and they can be. Coming onto you and really flirting and getting physical, you know how inebriated they are and

Elle 31:43

yeah,

Tramp 31:44

it's no,

Elle 31:45

yeah. Or it's, somebody walks up behind me and grabs my boobs to say hello. I don't need that.

Tramp 31:53

I think it's different if it's someone you know or

Elle 31:55

suppose or is that just

Tramp 31:56

a broad

Elle 31:57

No, I think it's a broad thing, if that's your initial greeting to me

Tramp 32:00

Oh, that's

Elle 32:00

fair. Okay. Let's see. Oh, I think we talked about discussing what you wanna do, what the lifestyle looks for you as a couple. Having those discussions is. So important. And if you wind up taking baby steps the first, few times until we feel comfortable, we're just gonna go and stay upstairs and meet people. Perfectly acceptable. And I was there with a girlfriend and we were talking with another couple and she was saying, oh yeah, it was six months before I even went downstairs to even see what was happening down there.

Tramp 32:31

The traditional wisdom and I completely agree with that, is you always move at the pace of the slowest person.

Elle 32:38

Yep.

Tramp 32:39

It doesn't matter if it's the man, it doesn't matter if it's the woman. You guys are a team in this.

Elle 32:44

Yeah.

Tramp 32:44

And number one, you don't wanna make your partner feel like they're dragging you down ever. You can have the adult conversation respectfully. About it saying, I would really love to explore this, or I want to go there. What do you think?

Elle 32:58

Yeah.

Tramp 32:59

But you should never pressure.

Elle 33:01

Yeah.

Tramp 33:02

Your person. Yeah.'cause your person should be the most important person.

Elle 33:05

Yeah. That's the one you go home with. Yes. That's one you, that's the most important. And sometimes it's just, the baby step might be going to the play area, wherever that is, and you just play with each other. And you play behind the curtain. Okay. And then maybe you play out in a more open area and you become a little bit of an exhibitionist. Yeah. Then you see where you're at. Baby steps are totally acceptable.

Tramp 33:28

Yeah. Oftentimes I will tell brand new couples that maybe nervous about even going to a club, establish in advance that you guys are gonna be together all night. Yeah. You can flirt if you want to. Maybe make out with someone else. But. That's as far as it goes that first trip. And so you don't feel this pressure, there's no pressure to perform or feel like you need to basically cannonball into the deep end of the pool.

Elle 33:55

Exactly. Exactly. And that kind of leads into no sex expectations, have your plan. Be something simple. But I find it's the times where it's okay, we're gonna go and we're gonna meet this couple and then we're gonna have dinner with them, and then we're gonna go downstairs and we're gonna play and I want this to happen and this to happen. And those are the situations where it's never gonna happen that direction. No. It's gonna be something completely different.'cause you have multiple people. You're not just talking about your partner, you're talking about other people. There's just always different scenarios, so just go, we used to just go to the ranch and think, okay, let's meet somebody new tonight, or let's get to know two of our friends a little bit better, and just keep it at that. And you'd sometimes be surprised what happens.

Tramp 34:41

I can honestly say that my absolute best experiences in any club have been when my partner and I have gone in with the attitude of. Let's just have fun.

Elle 34:54

Yeah. We say that every time we go in, we'll be in the parking lot getting outta the car. Jay goes, let's have fun. I go, okay.

Tramp 35:00

Yeah, And you set the stage there again, there's no sex expectations. There's no pressure. You guys are just having the times of your life and when you put out energy like that,

Elle 35:10

yeah.

Tramp 35:11

You're gonna draw people to you. I agree. And you will find each other.

Elle 35:15

Yeah. Yeah. There's plenty of time. One of the other things that we learned early on is to have some sort of way to stay connected. So if you're playing, say you're playing with another couple or another couple of couples, and so that you don't get totally lost in what's going on with you, but just having some sort of. Sign symbol, squeeze or something that only the two of you know, and just, lets you know, Hey, I'm here and I see you, you're having fun, or are you okay? Or something like that to just even if it's just looking up and staring at each other for a second, smiling and then going back to what you're doing.

Tramp 35:52

Yeah. Just a real quick check-in. What, however that looks for you guys.

Elle 35:55

Yeah. So

Tramp 35:57

I think that can go a long way, specifically if you have a little bit of anxiety if you feel the need to. Watch your partner, because that can take away from if your attention is elsewhere and you're playing with someone else that's gonna make that person not feel so great.

Elle 36:12

Yeah. It is hard. You're playing there and the husband's constantly looking at his spouse, it's do you even wanna be here? Yeah. And that doesn't

Tramp 36:19

feel good. And I admit I, early on I was like that.

Elle 36:22

Oh sure.

Tramp 36:23

It, and it's because of that coersive aspect of my character. Yeah. You're like, oh my god.

Elle 36:28

My own little porn star.

Tramp 36:29

Yeah, exactly. My favorite porn star.

Elle 36:31

Absolutely. Absolutely. But yeah, it's good to keep that connection. And then the last thing I have here is just to be respectful of your partner's needs, wants and desires.

Tramp 36:42

Yeah.

Elle 36:43

Not, again, like we've talked about not to push them to do something they're not comfortable with. That's not gonna be a good evening for anybody. No. Especially when you get home. Just to make sure you're being considerate. And like we say if one of you says it's time to go home, even if you're in the middle of something really fun, it's time to go home.

Tramp 37:02

Yes it is.

Elle 37:02

And we've had a situation where, I gave like a 20 minute warning. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna be ready to go home in 20 minutes. Wrap it up. At least it wasn't you need to go and you need to go. Now

Tramp 37:14

I know,

Elle 37:14

which we've done too, but that's, it's just okay, you mean now or five? And it's okay. Yeah. It's okay to ask that, but to be considerate. No, it's time to go home now. Great. We'll see you another time. We're

Tramp 37:26

going home now. Yeah. There will always be a next time.

Elle 37:29

Yeah. That's for sure.

Tramp 37:31

It's not like one of those weird situations we occasionally hear about where a couple will just get up and leave a cabana or a playroom and not even say anything. They'll just get up, get dressed and leave.

Elle 37:41

And then that couple does no idea what they did.

Tramp 37:43

And it could have been in that situation, it could have been something between that couple where they needed. One of them gave the sign that it was time to go then and there. And it could have been completely unrelated. But still

Elle 37:54

oh shoot, forgot about the babysitter. We gotta roll. It could happen. There's a lot of that. A lot of people come to the ranch just to get some time away from the kids.

Tramp 38:02

That's true.

Elle 38:02

And to play with each other. We know a couple that's what they do. They don't play with other people, but boy, they like going downstairs. And playing with each other.

Tramp 38:09

Where else can you just be loud everyone knows around you what you're doing, and that's part of the thrill

Elle 38:14

of it is a little bit. Yeah.

Tramp 38:15

Downstairs.

Elle 38:15

Yeah.

Tramp 38:16

Is that what we got today?

Elle 38:17

That is what we have. Yeah. Getting back into the saddle again here, and then we're gonna be figuring out how to do this remotely into each other. So

Tramp 38:26

yeah. I would say moving forward, yes, we're gonna absolutely continue the podcast. I could not do this podcast without j and l

Elle 38:33

and we wouldn't do it without you.

Tramp 38:35

So we will continue and I'm sure we will be doing some individual interviews. I may have. Not necessarily a new co-host, but a fill in co-host here and just as you guys will do your own episodes where I'm not necessarily involved or piping in with my cheery voice out in California,

Elle 38:54

and we'll all do it unapologetically.

Tramp 38:56

Yes, we will. Guys, as always. Thank you for coming on this journey with us. The biggest asks that we have, in addition to receiving aMAs just like we did today, was if you could just leave us a quick review wherever you happen to be listening to us. If you'd like to reach out to us, we can be reached at unapologetic swingers@gmail.com and our website is also unapologetic swingers.com.

Elle 39:23

until next time, I'm Al

Tramp 39:25

and I'm the tramp.

Elle 39:26

Be sexy,

Tramp 39:27

be confident.

Elle 39:28

Be unapologetic.