Our Misbegotten Needs

The current culture seems to have hijacked quite a few words and given them very different meanings. What bothers me about it is, having been an English major, I became steeped in the richness of vocabulary, whether it was the common vernacular or a specialized one, sometimes called an argot — medicine, law and science have their own argots, as do many other disciplines.

Actually, the word that disturbs me most in this regard might surprise you. It’s “needs.” A phrase that somehow popped up in the culture in the last decade or so is this idea that it’s important to “get our needs met.”

Of course, in modern American culture, these so-called “needs” have nothing to do with Abraham Maslow’s famous “Hierarchy of Needs.” Maslow’s hierarchy is actually a psychological theory that outlines 5 levels of real human needs arranged in a pyramid format. 

So, what about these “needs” we’re trying to get met in modern parlance. Well, these recently-redefined needs are actually what one young associate of mine called “preferences.” He used the word preferences after having surrendered his life to a higher power as he understood it as part of his addiction recovery. He told me about his daily struggles to meet life on life’s terms, even though that often meant not receiving his “preferred” outcome. These preferences were not needs at all but wants, wishes, hopes, desired outcomes. They’re actually what we think we want.

Transcript

The current culture seems to have hijacked quite a few words and given them very different meanings. What bothers me about it is, having been an English major, I became steeped in the richness of vocabulary, whether it was the common vernacular or a specialized one, sometimes called an argot — medicine, law and science have their own argots, as do many other disciplines.

The difference between a specialized vocabulary and the kind of hijacking I’m talking about is different. I’m not interested in the culture wars, except to say that I don’t have a problem with elements of the culture making up a word, like “woke,” for a new concept, though the exact meaning can seem a bit fuzzy. By contrast, a word like “pride” now has a very specific cultural meaning such that someone referring to a “pride” of lions, or “pride” of authorship, or general pride in one’s achievement or a family member has been pushed down considerably in commonly accepted meaning. Linguistically, I think a new word would have served the language better.

Actually, the word that disturbs me most in this regard might surprise you. It’s “needs.” A phrase that somehow popped up in the culture in the last decade or so is this idea that it’s important to “get our needs met.”

Of course, in modern American culture, these so-called “needs” have nothing to do with Abraham Maslow’s famous “Hierarchy of needs.” Maslow’s hierarchy is actually a psychological theory that outlines 5 levels of real human needs arranged in a pyramid format. 

 ·      At the base level of the pyramid are physiological needs — food, water, shelter, sleep.

·      The next level up is our safety needs — stability and security, and protection from physical and emotional harm.

·      The 3d level is love and belonging — affection, relationships, social connection

·      The 2d level is esteem — self-respect, recognition, and feeling valued by others

·      And at the top level  is self-actualization — personal growth and realizing our full potential.

So, what about these “needs” we’re trying to get met in modern parlance. Well, these recently redefined needs are actually what one young associate of mine called “preferences.” He used the word preferences after having surrendered his life to a higher power as he understood it as part of his addiction recovery. He told me about his daily struggles to meet life on life’s terms, even though that often meant not receiving his “preferred” outcome. These preferences were not needs at all but wants, wishes, hopes, desired outcomes. They’re actually what we think we want.

I told him that I wished I’d had that wisdom when I was his age.

When I put the question to my favorite AI chat bot about the origin of this recent phrase about the importance of getting our needs met, it replied with two observations that seem to resonate.

 The first was:

The language of "getting needs met" could be tied to the rise of psychotherapeutic perspectives in the 20th century that highlighted self-awareness, self-expression and self-actualization as important goals, especially in Western cultures. Notice the focus on the term “self” here.

The second one was: 

Consumerist capitalist cultures have also been criticized for overemphasizing the fulfillment of individual material needs and wants as a key driver of human motivation.

Okay, so here are ten of what I regarded as my REAL “needs” that I recognized in myself over the course of my professional and personal life — and that I spent real time, money and energy working on:

1. Cultivating Compassion and empathy
2. Discernment – like knowing the difference between reality vs illusion, truth from lies, darkness from light.
3. Resilience
4. Forgiving myself and others
5. Gaining the ability to truly listen
6. Bringing joy to others
7. Not judging or comparing
8. Healing emotional reactivity
9. Staying in the moment, where my life actually happens
10. Focusing more on what I can give rather than what I can get 

Now I “prefer” to bring others into my life — not to meet some preference I have but who can honestly share their successes and failures as they work their own list of needs to make themselves and their lives better.

At one point, my partner and I sought the help of a relationship counselor to help us with some issues we were having. Both of us were frustrated but committed to making things better. At one point, to my complete amazement, the counselor pulled out two pieces of paper, giving one to each of us. 

What most stunned me was simply that a therapist was proposing a spiritual tool instead of the latest John Gottman research or other human constructed answer.

What he handed me I recognized. I’d recited it many times as a child. It’s the prayer of St. Francis.

He asked me to read it out loud. I did, and will do so now.  

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

After I read it, I realized it was exactly what I needed in that moment to help me bring a needed change in my life.

Not long after, I realized that event was the point at which I turned away from therapy for answers to my mental, emotional and spiritual questions and needs. And I turned back to spirituality, realizing that meeting my true needs begins and ends in a closer connection to Spirit. All the rest are preferences. And, while they’re nice to have, we don’t really need them at all.

© 2024 Joseph Kornowski