Hey everybody, welcome back to the podcast. I'm Dr. Stacy Heimburger. This is Weight Loss Made Simple. Today I want to talk about the should problem. I talked about it a little bit last week. and it's this idea of obligation. And so what I want to talk about today is that sometimes when I have this experience of obligation.

it's actually just an internal rule that I haven't really questioned. Okay. So sometimes we think we're obligated to do something. I want us to question that a little bit. We talked last week about how when we are trying to carve out this time for ourselves, when we actually do the thing, we can be a little bit overrun with thoughts about how I should be doing something else, how I should be doing something different, how I should not be taking this time for myself. So all of these shoulds.

So I wanted to just dive into that a little bit more today. Okay. Because I want you to recognize it and question it. Okay. So that's all this episode is today, is I wanted us to think about here first of all, hear the should, right? Here the should and then so we recognize, okay, I I hear it and then question it. Okay, so if we only ask one question.

It should be who said you should, right? So this should, I should help, I should go, I should answer, I should be available, I should be able to handle this. Right. I we get that a lot in our business. I and shouldn't, right? I shouldn't do this for myself. I should I shouldn't disappoint them. I should get this done before. I should stay up and finish this. I should be able to do all of this.

so this should. This also sounds like a good blank should, right? So there might be even like a little precursor to the should. Like a good mom should, a good wife should, a good friend should, a good doctor should, a good driver should, right? A good employee, a good daughter, whatever it is. Okay. So all of these shoulds can sometimes be predicated by this idea of like.

this specified role and should do these things. Okay. And so if you ask only one question, who says? Okay. This I think is extremely powerful. I think I've talked about this idea, the good mom should, on a different episode, because I found it very freeing and empowering, right? That cinematic I feel so empowered moment that we talked about last week.

I do think questioning the shoulds can lead to those in in sometimes a dramatic way. Okay. So who said? And where did that rule come from? Okay. And then the second part of that, right? Even if we're like, okay, maybe somebody important said it and it is a good rule. Do I agree with that? Because I think a lot of us are living our lives according to rules that we never question.

And aren't even really rules anymore. Okay. They feel like fact. And we've just never questioned them. So they feel like responsibilities, they feel like obligations, they feel like just the truth. Okay. And when they feel that way, it feels mandatory. Okay. So then we do have all these shoulds. Okay. So I just want us to realize we need to examine them. And we can examine them and we should examine them. There's the should for you. Okay.

I am not saying we don't have to do things that we don't want to do. Although there is an argument that we don't have to do things that we don't want to do. But I mean, my kids will tell you they don't like to do things they don't want to do. there are responsibilities, right? There are commitments and there are consequences. And so if you want to argue, we don't have to do anything we don't want to do, but we have to be willing to deal with the consequences of that. So what I'm

It's not really the responsibilities and the true obligations. I want us to examine the things that we think are responsibilities and obligations, but maybe aren't. Okay. There are things we choose to do because they matter to us even when we don't feel like doing them, right?

I want us to look at these invisible rules. Okay. So last week was kind of like what happens upstream and we feel this guilt. And so the next this part is I want to like talk about why we feel this guilt and who made that rule and who says, and do we even agree with it? Okay. So when I go to take that walk,

I'm going to carve out that time. I'm going to go for that walk. And my brain's like, Well, you really should be helping kids with homework. That's what a good mom does. Who says? Who decided that? Where is the manual of what a good mom does? And if a good mom helps with homework, does she help for five minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes? Does she do the answers for them? Like, does she just

Guide them? Does she leave a note for the teacher of what the kid didn't understand instead of answering it for him so that the teacher knows where the kid is struggling? Like who decides? Right? If you really start to question these things, you can see there's lots of sub-questions that are just all make-believe. It's all made up. Right? Who decides what a good mom does? Who decides what a good wife does?

Who decides should, should, should? Who gets to decide that? So I'm saying you do. Okay. So when we want to do something for ourselves and we feel guilty, and our brain starts throwing up all these sentences of I should or I shouldn't, recognize that there is an invisible rule underneath that sentence. Okay. This, like, I should always be available, like I shouldn't disappoint people.

I should finish everything before I rest, or I shouldn't need help, or I should be able to manage this. I should take care of everyone else first. Right? I shouldn't take that much time for myself. It's selfish. Right. When we say it so many times.

When you say any thought enough times or think any thought enough times, it turns into a belief. And then it stops sounding like a thought. It starts to sound like truth, like fact, like, and then we forget to question it. Okay. So that's where I really want you to pay attention because if I have this thought, okay, so let's just take the medical school example of I patients first, right? Patients, I get nothing for myself until my patients are taken care of.

Like I don't get to go to the bathroom, I don't get to eat a snack, like patients first. If I hear that multiple times a day, the four years of medical school and the four years of residency, it becomes fact, right? It's been told to me, or I've thought it so many times, that when I'm out there in the real world, it's fact at that point until we choose to question it.

Okay. So

It's hard sometimes to find these thoughts. I guess that's what I'm saying. Once they are fact, once we just believe them, they're not as obvious that we need to question them. Cause our brain doesn't it's not like, hey, Stacey, I have this unexamined belief that I'd like to present for consideration. Like, can we examine it and like ask all the important questions and then decide what we're going to do? It doesn't work that way, right? I've thought it so many times. It's a belief, it's a fact. And then my brain just says, you should be doing this thing.

Period, case closed, we're not going to check it like that's the rule, that's the fact. You should say yes, you should help. Patients come first. Okay. When we have thought it so many times, thoughts turn into beliefs, beliefs then present themselves as facts. Our brain is not like the gatekeeper that wants to like help us examine these things, right? Because if we examine it and change our mind, we might make a new pattern. Our brain hates that, right? So our brain is not going to say, like,

Hey, let's look at this one and decide. We are going to have to be on alert for these things. Okay. The thoughts come really quickly. And because we've heard some version of whatever this invisible rule is hundreds or thousands of times, it doesn't even necessarily occur to us to question it. It just feels like of course, of course I should, right? Like of course I should help my kids with their homework. Of course I should make their dinner, right?

Any reasonable person would, right? Like, of course, that's my job. They need me. Of course I need to do it. Okay. So your shoulds are going to just sound like, of course I should, right? Of course. Of course. And the reason they feel like, and of course, of this why like, yes, that's fact, is not because it's true. Okay. It's because we've just thought it so many times.

That it's a belief and now it feels true. Okay. Does that make sense? So when we are trying, when we hear these thoughts because we're trying to make a new pattern, because we're trying to make room for ourselves, and then we hear things in our brain like, I should, I should, and then when we think about it, our first response might be like, Well, of course I should. That doesn't mean anything's wrong. It just means

We've just thought it too much, basically, is really what it means. So when I want to take the walk and my seven-year-old says, But I need help with my homework. Okay, my brain, of course, it's going to say, I should help him. Of course I should. My baby needs help. I have to help him, right? Any reasonable person would. Of course I'm going to help. Right? And so it feels very factual. It feels crazy that I would question it.

It feels wrong not to do it. That doesn't mean it's true. Okay. He needs to build his confidence around his schoolwork. It would actually be much more beneficial to him for me to say, I'm going to walk around the block real quick. You work on it first, and then we'll like I'll help you if you still need help when I get back. It would be much more helpful, but my brain didn't see it that way until like I really had to stop and like dissect it, right?

Because my brain is just like, no, of course. Of course, we help the baby with the homework, right? Of course we make the husband the extra meal. Right? It's going to feel very reasonable. Just because it feels reasonable does not mean that it's true. It just means we've thought it so many times, or people have encouraged us to think it so many times that it feels like a fact. Okay. So we're going to feel this weird guilt, this discomfort.

Part of it I really truly think is there is discomfort in realizing that some of the misery we bring on ourselves is self-inflicted. Right. my coach gave me an analogy once. It's like sitting on a nail, right? Like it's uncomfortable and we don't like it, but we know it, and so we just keep doing it. Never fully realizing, like, if I just flip the chair over and take the nail out and like question this chair business.

Like things could really change and be much better. And I would stop hurting myself by sitting on a nail. Okay. So if I'm constantly not taking my walk, not honoring my calendar with that blocked off time, not doing what's healthy for me, because I am constantly doing this thing that I think of course I should be doing, like helping with the homework, who is really benefiting?

I'm missing out on what I need. He's my kids missing out on what they need, truthfully. They don't need me to solve every problem. Okay. And the only reason any of that is going down like that is because it's a familiar pattern and it's something we've just thought too many times. Okay. So when you hear these, should just understand it is not necessarily a fact. Okay.

It's not automatically our responsibility. And it's not automatically an obligation. We don't have to necessarily do it. But it is good to start questioning. Okay. So where did they come from? Again, these are thoughts we've thought just so many times. They feel true, but they can come from anywhere. Okay. It could just come from like that's the way my family always did it. And so that's what was modeled to me, and that's what I understand. You know, I'd like to think of it as

Our brain is full, like this reference library, and there's all different stuff. And the interesting thing is like your reference library and my reference library are not necessarily the same. There some things might be familiar or similar, right? Like we might have the same reference material of like what we watched growing up, of like what a mom does and what how families interact. we might have even grown up like in the same location, right? The same state. So if we can have

Like geographic differences, cultural differences, socioeconomic differences, gender differences, right? They're going to just where our families immigrated from. There's lots and lots of differences. so our reference material is not the same as everyone else's reference material. but understand that that's where these thoughts sort of percolate from is all this reference material. So it's your family, it's your culture, it's what you watched on TV, it's your school, your work, your relationships, social media now, right?

Depending on who you follow and who I follow, we might have a whole different list of shoulds. Okay. And it's not necessarily even everything we observed. It's what got praised, what got criticized, what made you a good girl, right? What made people happy with you? How you got rewarded? What created conflict? Are you conflict avoidant? Right? What did the women around you do? So there's all these things that went into making our source material, our reference library. And that's where our shoulds are coming from.

So I think when you understand my reference library is different than your reference library, it makes perfect sense why we should stop and question these things. Because my rule book for a good mom might be totally different than yours. And so that just if you take it step one step back, it means it's all made up, right? There is no authority that decided. This wasn't like written in stone.

It's just made by all this different reference material. And yours is different than mine. So it can't be true. Right? There can't be one definition of what makes a good mom. Right? I still remember I was coaching my sister because she was saying something about a good mom like cutting up fruit. Said something about a good mom cutting up fruit. And I was like, Well, how many pieces of fruit? Right? Like, are you a good mom if you cut up five pieces of fruit? Or do you need to cut up ten pieces of fruit if I only cut up one piece of fruit?

Am I a bad mom? Like if I cut up no fruit, right? There is no rule. And so when you take something like that and start to dissect it, it sounds silly, but I think it can highlight the problem and highlight our opportunity to change it. Okay. So these things are not just facts. These are all invisible rules that we learned throughout our life. And they're they're different. Okay. And so

This leads me to just remind you as well that values and rules are not necessarily the same thing. Okay. We like to think that we should do something, and if we don't do it, that makes us bad. But I don't think that that is true. Okay. We have these shoulds, and the problem is that they're all made up. and then if we don't do those things, it it doesn't make us good or bad. There's no moral judgment to that.

Okay. So keeping our commitments to ourself might be a value and that's important and that's centered and that like one might want to be one of our values. But like dropping a commitment to something I didn't really want to go to is not breaking my value necessarily. It's breaking this rule. Like if I said, I should go out to dinner with these people because

They asked us and we haven't been in a long time. Right. That is not like a commit that's not a value problem. That's a rule problem. That's like a good friend or a good spouse would do this thing. That's not like I decided that I need an hour to myself and I'm going to commit to that, like keeping my commitment to myself, that can be a value. I hope that makes sense. A little convoluted, but just remember.

When we say should, like question it, right? Because sometimes we turn I can or I could into I should, right? And then that should becomes a have to. Okay. Because when we think I should, I should, I should, then it's fact, then it's like that's the rule, and I have to do it or I'm bad. Okay. You follow the whole train. And that's not true. There is no like moral decision on these shoulds. Okay.

Remember the capable trap we talked about a couple of weeks ago. Just because we can does not mean we should. Right? Of course I can. I can organize things and figure it out and squeeze it in and all this. That doesn't mean I should. Okay. So sure, I could skip my walk. I can stay up too late. I can not meal prep. I can get takeout. Sure, I can do all those things. Should I? Probably not. Okay.

That's a little bit different of a should than this one that is is guilt should. Okay. So these are not all the same. But what I want you to recognize are the invisible rules creating the shoulds. And then I want us to question them. Right? Who says?

I love the idea that once we sort of can get our brain to wrap its mind around like these are all made up. If they're all made up, then I get to decide. Look at what a powerful position that can put you in, right? So if I'm having this dilemma of like, I want to take this time to myself, but all these people need me. I should really take care of these people first. And then I question it, right? I hear that I should.

Question Well, who said? Right. And then the next thing would be my brain's like, Well, a good mom would do that. A good mom would help with homework. Who says? Who decided? It's all made up. And then knowing it's all made up, like, well, I get to decide what a good mom does then. I decide a good mom lets them struggle with homework for 30 minutes while I go do my walk. Okay. So it's very powerful. It takes it's a little multi-step process.

That we're walking through, right? But I've created this time for myself. I've decided that a walk is really important. It's important for my health. It's going to make me, you know, feel better, do better, all those things. Okay. When it comes time, there's going to be someone probably that asks you to alter your plans because they're used to you doing everything for them. And we're going to say no. And then we're going to go for our walk anyway. And then we're going to feel guilty. And we're going to be like, well, why am I feeling guilty?

The thought making me feel guilty is I should really help with homework. Then we're going to hear the should. Then we're going to say, well, why? Why? Who says that I should help with homework? And then we'll be like, well, I think that's what a good mom would do. A good of course, a good mom would help with homework. We're going to say, well, who decided that? Who decided what a good mom does? Who decided what a good mom does about homework? Like, nobody. It's all made up.

Well, if it's all made up, I guess I get to make it up. I get to decide what a good mom is. Okay. I decide a good mom goes for her walk and then checks in on homework afterwards. Okay. Is that helpful? I hope that's helpful for you to just see that whole process. Okay. Other people's needs are not our obligations. Okay. We see them as obligations and then we take what we need and make it totally negotiable.

And I don't want us to do that anymore. I just want you, you know, we took all this time creating space and picking what was important for us to do in that space, whether it be meal prep, go for a walk, go to bed early, whatever it is. Recognized that when I do that thing, because it's a new pattern, people are probably going to be mad and I'm probably going to feel discomfort and I'm going to work through it. This is the next step if we say,

Okay, well, why do I feel discomfort? Can I like go upstream and try and fix it sooner or before I feel discomfort? Then we say, well, I'm feeling feeling bad because I feel like I should do this thing. Well, why do I feel like I should do that? Who says I should do that? And then we find these invisible rules and then we question them. Like, well, a good mom will do it. Who decides? Then we realize it's all made up, it's all garbage.

Right. And then we get to decide. well, if if I get to pick, right? Now I'm in the power seat. Not only do I not feel guilty, but I get to decide what a good mom does. This feels fun. Right. So then we get to rewrite the rule book however we want. I get to decide what a good wife does. I get to decide what a good mom does. I get to decide what a good business owner does, what a good doctor does. I get to decide all of those things. And I can make my health a priority.

When I'm figuring that all out. Okay? So, what do I need you to do this week? I need you to question a should. All right. I need you to question it. I need you to think of what those invisible rules are. And then just say, like, do I even agree with that? Like, if we don't agree.

Then just go through the process. Like, well, who decided? Do I agree with that? No. Well, why did they get to decide? Why don't I get to decide? And if I get to decide, then like let's make it worth my while, right? Let's make it how I want to make it. All right. Be careful on Insta like on Instagram, on social media. I mean, follow me, of course. Sugar underscore free MD. Okay. Make sure you're following me. But

There are a lot of invisible rules and a lot of shoulds that will come out of watching Instagram too much. Okay. Cause they'll tell you, like, you should be like, wake at 5:30 and have an amazing meditation routine and a strength routine and like get these steps in. And here's this 20-minute workout, here's this meal prep, and all these things, right? So if if you're struggling with this and you are really working hard

To rewrite some rules for yourself so that you can have this time to work on your health. You know, maybe no social media for a hot second. Or just go into it really like eyes open of this is all made up too. Okay. All right. So we don't have to have our lives look like anyone else's. We don't have to follow anyone else's rules. Okay. We get to make them up. We get to do all of it. Okay.

Hopefully that's super helpful. please rate, review the podcast, share it with someone who needs it. if you want to reach out to me on Instagram and let me know what you should question, what new rule did you make up? What rule did you break? What did you decide a good whatever is? I would love to hear it. Until then, I'll talk to you. Bye.