TRANSCRIPT: CULTIVATE: THE JENNI CARROLL PERSPECTIVE
EPISODE 2: RELATIONSHIPS AND GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Today's discussion centers on one of the most valued aspects of our lives that also happens to be one the most challenging. Can you guess? Yes. The relationships we have with other people. We can all relate to the deep desire we have for special people in our lives. And I think we can also all relate to the major frustration that these lovely people bring to us at times. As a marriage and family therapist, I've had a lot of opportunity to talk to people about both the joyful aspects, and also the exhausting aspects of their relationships. I know firsthand how much energy, time and overwhelm can happen when a relationship, especially a significant relationship, isn't going well, or feeling healthy. This episode is about understanding relationships at a foundational level. And not just marriages, but actually every relationship that we can have with another person. Although certainly the depth and intensity differs, depending on the value and meaning we place on the relationship. So if you happen not to be married, or are not in a romantic relationship at this very moment in time, I encourage you to keep listening, as the ideas discussed today will relate to the connection you have with every person in your life...parents, children, friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and even people you have never met, but only heard about. Crazy but true. Applying these ideas relate to all of the connections we have with other people. Although I will say that applying them to our most important relationships, is probably the toughest. And for the sake of consistency in introducing this topic, we will use romantic relationships as our main example today.
So, relationships offer us a paradox, we need other people in our lives and without other people, at least for the vast majority of us, our lives would be dull, colorless, lacking purpose, and definitely lacking joy. But... at the same time, our relationships can also bring us a plethora of negative emotion, frustration, anger, resentment, and underlying all of those unfun feelings is usually pain.
But the good news is that relationships are not meant to be easy. So, if you find yourself struggling in a relationship and feeling bad or guilty about it, don't, because at this moment in time, you're exactly where you need to be. Relationships, in my opinion, are the bootcamp of life. They are meant to push us in areas we need to be pushed. They are avenues for growth, and certainly avenues for healing. And none of that would happen if relationships were always easy. So the logical question to ask is why? Why are relationships so hard? Especially when love is involved? If we love someone, why is the experience often so taxing, so overwhelming and so frustrating? At least at times? The answer to that important question is one simple word. And that word is expectations.
All relationships have expectations. But the closer and more significant or meaningful the relationship, the higher the expectation. So spouses are at the top of the list ,significant others, of course, along with parents, very high up there, and also sometimes children, but following those very intense relationships, are our friendships, and just other connections that have varying meaning and importance to us.
It is important to understand the contract piece of relationships, all relationships, or at least all significant relationships are on some level a contract. And we sort of determine what is owed to us by signing our name on the dotted line. The expectations we have for agreeing to the contract fall into basically two camps. 6:55 These camps are, unconscious expectations and conscious expectations. Our conscious expectations are the ones that we are aware of, or if not like presently aware of, we could probably make a list of them if somebody asked us to do that.
For example, you know, pretty clearly we all have a desire for romance, for love. But in addition to those things, we're also looking for support, companionship, loyalty, trust, emotional intimacy, and basic help with life. These things, we are pretty much aware of going into any relationship and we can argue are conscious expectations.
In contrast, our unconscious expectations center on our ego need of worth through validation. Although we are usually unaware of this powerful need, at our deepest level, we are looking to feel good about ourselves worth through the words, actions or behaviors of someone else validation.
So we all carry a combination of both conscious and unconscious needs into our relationships. What makes it super complicated is that having needs for someone who you choose to be in your life in a significant way, a spouse or a partner, is absolutely reasonable. Having basic needs for support and care, along with wanting this person to have good, positive characteristics like being kind or being responsible, having integrity. These needs are healthy and 100% appropriate. Okay, so having needs for someone in your life isn't really the problem. The trouble begins with the expectation that those needs will be met. And even more importantly, what it means when they aren't.
Romantic relationships have an extra layer of complexity. Our ego demand for worth through validation gets kind of tangled up in the idea of love. Physical attraction, romance and intimacy are very powerful experiences of validation. And I think anybody who's been through that period in a relationship would agree with that. And while that's a lovely part of a relationship, and there's nothing inherently wrong with it, what happens is that it sets us up for the expectation that this wonderful ego confirmation experience will continue, will continue every day, for the rest of our lives, as long as we're with this person. And that expectation is unfortunately, completely ridiculous. Because it's truly impossible for anyone to have that kind of power and ability really, to validate us every day, in all the ways that we need.
Let’s be honest, even our conscious expectations are sometimes unrealistic because even the appropriate expectations we have for a partner are not always going to be fulfilled. It's just not going to happen, there will be times where they let us down on that level. So the idea that they're somehow going to meet these unconscious needs, which, in our defense we are not consciously aware of... But nevertheless, is just completely impossible. And it doesn't have anything to do with how much they love us or want to be there for us, or how much we love them. It's just not possible.
Another problem with our unconscious need for validation is that just the act of depending on someone else for our worth or value is truly a process of personal disempowerment. The idea of intrinsic worth teaches us that we already have everything we need. We are already whole. So wonderful, fabulous! But then, what is the point of human relationships? The goal of human interaction is not to depend on each other, but rather to learn how to move past each other’s errors, mistakes and hurts.
Everyone is on their own journey and their choices good and bad, have nothing to do with anyone but them. And the same is true for us... our choices, good and bad, have nothing to do with anyone but us. This is a very foundational concept when it comes to relationships, again, not just with our significant other, but with anyone. We need to learn how not to make other people's stuff about us, no matter who they are or how close they are to us. I’ll admit, it can be really hard at times not to do that. But yet it is a vitally important thing to learn how to do. In the next episode we will really dig into that idea and the concept I call Psychological Separation.
Okay, so if we shouldn’t depend on others, if their stuff has nothing to do with us and if we already have everything we need via our Intrinsic Worth does that mean we should avoid relationships? Of course the answer is no.
Relationships bring us good things, they bring us joy, camaraderie, support, teamwork, fun, profound and meaningful emotion, for sure. But, they also create situations where we are forced to work on some very hard things. Such as understanding our own triggers, our own insecurities, vulnerabilities and how we look outside of ourselves for worth. Relationships force us to learn to manage negative, even ugly emotions at times. They also push us to learn how to sacrifice, how to balance taking care of ourselves while giving to others with love and consistency. The relationship journey is most definitely a paradox but without which we wouldn't be able to grow and heal. So, yes beyond the good stuff like love and joy, relationships serve a very important purpose for our soul.
Just because relationships carry inherent challenge, it doesn’t mean that there aren't ways to navigate relationships to make our lives easier, healthier, more positive. We are certainly NOT sentenced to a horrible existence, in misery with someone else. And there are definitely things that we can do, big things, that will transform how we experience our relationships, and transform how we experience ourselves in relationships.
13:09 First off, we cannot get away from the responsibility to choose wisely. We need to select people who have the ability to participate in healthy relationships. What we don't often realize is that there are hidden reasons in our choices. We are pretty aware of the surface level reasons physical attraction, the personality pieces, where they fit with our personality, where we kind of jive with them, they get us, their ability to make us laugh, or comfort us when we are struggling. We know those things. And yes, those are absolutely factors. But on a deeper level, we choose partners whose unique personality and for lack of a better word issues, force us to address the very psychological, or emotional wounds that we most seek to avoid. It's almost like a giant relationship puzzle, where our pieces fit together with their pieces to create a connection. And while there are positive points of connection, there are also points of contention. And these points of contention or conflict, create pain and frustration. But again, they're meant to be there, because this is the point of growth and healing.
So it can be really helpful to realize that it's supposed to be this way, and that all significant relationships have an element of connecting to each other's wounding. And the reason for this is to push us to grow and to heal. Healing, emotional healing, psychological healing is our soul's deepest purpose. But again, knowing this and knowing the deepest purpose of our relationships, doesn't mean that we must suffer indefinitely. If we find ourselves in a relationship where we're really struggling, where we are clear that it is not a healthy experience, we have the ability and actually the responsibility to choose closure for relationships. Choosing closure and enacting closure is also a healing process of its own and is certainly an opportunity for growth. There is absolutely no need to accept cruel, demeaning or consistently disrespectful behavior. It’s our responsibility to not accept those things. Here again we find our discussion revisiting the idea of intrinsic worth. Intrinsic worth supports us to end relationships that aren't serving us. Because, our value is already present. And it is our responsibility to honor ourselves by making the healthiest choices we can. But, equally as important, Intrinsic worth enables us to tolerate relationships that are imperfect.
Another important idea that comes up in this type of conversation, is the idea of trust. Trust is obviously very important to healthy relationships. It's also an important emotional goal for each of us as individuals. So how does trust fit in to all of this? I believe that there is both room to work on trusting someone, or allowing there to be trust while also being aware of any expectations lurking in the background.
16:39 The best way to kind of conceptualize a healthy approach to relationships is to understand the framework which has three basic aspects. First, is our responsibility to choose partners wisely, we get a say in who we bring into our life, and that matters. Be aware, however, of the stumbling block of trying to find a “perfect” person to choose. Looking for perfection is another aspect of our own insecurity or wounding. Here again we must find balance. Choose someone who has the ability to participate in a healthy relationship. That doesn’t mean that everything about them is fully healed or that they won’t make mistakes or let you down or challenge you. They will. That’s okay and part of the experience.
Second, is honoring ourselves, recognizing our intrinsic worth, and as a result our responsibility to respect ourselves, teach others to respect us as well and to utilize boundaries and sometimes closure when others are affecting us in negative, toxic ways.
And finally, three, allow for human error, understand that we can withstand other people's mistakes, other people's errors. We don’t need to retaliate. We don't need to build resentment. It’s okay, their mistakes are okay, because they really have nothing to do with us. So, we can trust other people to be there for us in the capacity that they're able to, without depending on them or someone else to confirm our value.
Our need for validation from others is really an expression of the wounding to our soul. And the soul is obviously somewhat of an abstract concept and something that is sometimes difficult to really understand or perceive. But our soul is the part of us that not only transcends our body, but also transcends the part of the mind that houses the personality. For most of us, it is not that difficult to separate from our physical selves. While we do identify with our bodies to some degree, we also can usually intellectually understand that we are not our foot. But when it comes to our mind and our personality, it is really hard not to solely identify with that piece of us. And the soul is the piece of us that really transcends the personality as well as the body. This is also the place where we find our Primary Awareness.
19:27 And the extent to which we no longer need to search for validation in others is the extent to which our soul has grown and healed. Or alternatively, the extent that we are aligned and embracing of our intrinsic worth. So oftentimes, because we are not fully aligned with our intrinsic worth, the flaws or failings or hurts of someone else will trigger our wounds of feeling unworthy. And as a result we experience a bunch of negative emotion. And that's okay. Emotion is inherent to our humanness. Emotion helps us process the world in which we live. So emotion, any type of emotion is okay. But the extent to which we flow through our negative emotion is also connected to the depth of our expectations, which is connected to the journey of our soul.
So some thoughts to keep in mind when it comes to you and the people in your life. Firstly, pay attention to what's happening internally. What are your needs? What are your expectations? What meaning are you assigning to the experience of not having your needs met? What meaning are you assigning to a hurtful behavior of someone else? Try to pay attention to that. Probably in the heat of the moment, it's not going to happen. And that's okay. But later, when some of that intensity of emotion has cooled down a little bit, take some time to really think about it. Try to be as objective as you can. And when you understand where the expectations are lurking, work on letting them go, work on releasing them. Maybe not always so easy, but certainly possible. Sometimes it can be helpful just to practice releasing little things first and see how that feels. And getting into the habit of doing that. Because when we release our expectations for others, we positively change the relationship dynamic, all by ourselves, the other person doesn't do a darn thing. But now the relationship has changed because our perspective has changed. Ultimately, the goal is to move past the errors of those we love. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes, and we know that. But the way to manage it all is to flow through the feelings and transcend the hurts.
My loving suggestion is to explore the expectations you have for the most important people in your life. Consider how they might be related to deeper unconscious needs. If you do this, take a few minutes to write down the needs and expectations you're able to identify. And going forward work at bringing awareness to the expectations that drive your negative feelings. Again, probably difficult in the first wave of emotion, but there comes a time where that emotion starts to recede. And that is when it is important to be more objective about the expectations that are driving those feelings. And then consider whether you are willing to work on releasing the expectations you carry.
I hope you enjoyed today's discussion. Thank you for joining me. You are light and you are love.