Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. Today we are going to talk about something that for many of us holds a very special place in our lives, parenting. We discuss both the purpose of parenting from a broader perspective as well as “purposeful parenting” which is a framework for better understanding exactly what our responsibility is when it comes to this important role.
The relationship we have with our children is the one of the most valued of our life. We prioritize our children even after they are grown. There is no getting around the fact that once you become a parent, it becomes part of your purpose.
The opportunity to parent allows us to connect with one of the most important aspects of our soul - transcendent and unconditional love. This is understood as Divine Love. The purpose of parenting is simply the experience and demonstration of Divine Love.
As parents we continue to show up for our children with full hearts despite their choices that cause us frustration, upset or heartache. The love we encounter in every cell of our body and soul is so much greater than a feeling and always endures. In addition, we are able to practice Persistent Forgiveness, easily letting go of negative emotion that may arise from any frustration or hurt.
While a parent’s actions can be overwhelming loving, if that parent is not aligned with their Intrinsic Worth, they will not experience the full expression of Divine Love. When we aren’t in alignment with our true selves, we seek validation of our worth through others and this includes our children. When we carry a need for validation from our children, it interferes with the transcendent and consistent flow of Divine Love.
One of the most foundational principles to purposeful parenting is understanding that the relationship between a child and parent is never equal. As parents, we hold more responsibility for the relationship than our children do. Even when those children become adults. The other aspect of the responsibility we carry means that we must release any expectations we hold for them.
Contrary to what many of us believe, our children are NOT a reflection on us. Psychological Separation is the principle that every action, word, choice, feeling or thought a person has is only about them and not about anyone else. This principle also applies to our children.
We often have a natural tendency to control due to fear for our children’s safety. We attempt control to their environment or their actions in order to protect their physical or emotional safety. While creating a safe environment is an important part of our job, we often move far past this to a place of interference. It can be helpful to do some self-reflection to notice where, as a parent, you may be making decisions not necessarily for the best interest of your children, but for your own.
Instead of over-control, we must teach our children to recognize their Intrinsic Worth. This starts with understanding the power of our words and actions. If we are sending positive messages to our kids, then we will be making a positive impact. However, if we are sending messages that point to their failings, we will be contributing to the disconnection from their true self.
Parenting is a job that sometimes feels overwhelming for everyone. Doing it correctly takes more hard work than any other purpose we could be tasked with. So it is also important to be kind, patient and flexible with ourselves as we navigate this demanding but beautiful role.
My loving suggestion is to consider how you personify Divine Lov
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Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. Today we are continuing our discussion of purpose, but in a different sort of way. Our subject is one that many of us consider to be both our greatest joy and biggest challenge... as it often offers both within a matter of minutes. Ah yes, it is the experience of parenting.
For so many of us, being parents and the relationships we have with our children is the most valued, most treasured part of our life. We prioritize our children even after they are grown. When they are off living adult lives raising their own children, we continue to tie our well-being to that of these most important souls. I haven’t met a mother yet that disagreed with the time- honored wisdom, “you are only as happy as your saddest child.” The love we have for our children and our personal alignment with their well-being is truly in a category all its own. And, there is no getting around the fact that once you become a parent, it becomes part of your purpose.
From a bigger perspective, the special circumstance of parenting seems to be clearly intentional. It makes sense that within our human experience we were meant to be given an opportunity to be deeply bonded with another soul. The love we have for our children is representative of Divine Love. The opportunity to parent allows us to connect with one of the most important aspects of our soul - transcendent and unconditional love. For some of us, there do exist other relationships that represent Divine Love, but most commonly, this enlightenment emerges from our role as parents. Make no mistake, within the deep and enduring love we have for our children exists a lesson.
Which brings us to parenting’s purpose which is simply the experience and demonstration of Divine Love. It’s been said that a Mother’s love is the closest human experience to God’s Love. God’s love, Divine Love...? What makes a mother’s love Divine? I would argue that it is transcendence. Transcendence of all that we don’t like, all that hurts us and causes us pain: mistakes, flaws, poor choices and failures. As parents we continue to show up for our children with full hearts despite all of the things they do that cause us frustration, upset or heartache. The love we encounter in every cell of our body and soul is so much greater than a feeling. Feelings arise and pass, yet our love endures as part of our being. And like a cloud moving past the sun, negative emotion may momentarily cloud its radiance, but yet our love, like the sun, always remains.
Persistent forgiveness is another aspect of Divine Love. The willingness to again and again... and again effortlessly move past the errors of our children, refusing to allow their failures to define our understanding and trust in who they are. We innately know that our children are not their mistakes. They are so much more and because we carry this knowledge deeply, even as we may not fully be aware of why, we continue to release the negative feelings that are generated by their words or actions or choices that cause us pain.
Without our human experience, our earth school, we would lack the opportunity to make the consistent sacrifices, an expression of Divine Love, that parenting requires. As parents, we learn that as much as we value our own interests, we truly have the capacity to give of ourselves in every way possible, knowing that meeting the needs of our children meets a greater need of our own.
It is important to understand that to fully embody Divine Love, we must be aligned with our Intrinsic Worth. When we operate from a place of profound peace and love within ourselves, it is not difficult to offer our children a transcendent, unconditional love. However, if we are not aligned with our Intrinsic Worth, it doesn’t mean that we cannot still be good parents, we can. But, there will be obstacles. We will be forced to confront wounding within ourselves that creates personal meaning from our children’s behaviors as well as the need for something in return. Divine Love does neither.
While a parent’s actions can be overwhelming loving, supportive, giving and forgiving, if that parent is not aligned with their Intrinsic Worth, they will not experience the full expression of Divine Love. Because even if they never speak a negative word, they will consciously or unconsciously personalize their children’s errors, failures as well as their own unmet expectations. When we aren’t in alignment with our true selves, we seek validation of our worth through others and this includes our children. When we carry a need for validation from our children, it interferes with the transcendent and consistent flow of Divine Love.
Whether or not we are fully aligned with our own Intrinsic Worth, there are principles that can support us in both our mission to be good parents as well as the ongoing journey to fulfill our own purpose. Let’s be honest, parenting is hard. It is WAY harder than anyone anticipates going into it. But, I also think part of the struggle comes from not really understanding what is expected of us....what exactly is our role. Of course we understand that we are charged with taking care of, providing for, protecting, and supporting our children. But then what? What about all of the trouble-shooting? And, beyond addressing their physical needs how do we truly provide for our children’s emotional well-being?
One of the most foundational principles to purposeful parenting is understanding that the relationship between a child and parent is never equal. As parents, we hold more responsibility for the relationship than our children do. Even when those children become adults. Why? Because that is the nature of the relationship. When we choose to be a parent, we choose to embody Divine Love. Our children, however, are not making that choice. So what does this mean in everyday language? It means that as parents we will always hold a greater responsibility to consistently approach our children with unconditional, transcendent love. It means that we must offer them ongoing messages that they are worthy and they are valued, despite their flaws and mistakes and failures. It means that even when they let us down, or hurt our feelings, we do not hold it against them. We transcend any negative feelings and continue to approach them with kindness, respect and love.
Now, before anyone freaks out. I’m not suggesting we can’t teach, can’t appropriately discipline or discuss with our children when a poor choice or mistake has been made, but even in addressing our children’s errors, we must continue to operate from Divine Love. What does this look like? It looks like teaching vs. controlling, discussing vs. yelling and approaching children with the understanding that their mistakes do not define them. The other aspect of the responsibility we carry means that we must release any expectations we might hold for them. Our emotional expectations that is. We can set expectations for them such as completing chores, doing homework, being kind and respectful to others. But, when it comes to the expectations that relate to OUR needs... such as wanting them to behave in a way that doesn’t embarrass us, expecting them to excel at something to make us proud, needing them to listen to what we say to do, we have to recognize that these are our needs and expectations, and consequently we must learn to refrain from putting the emotional burden of these needs on our children. Again, it doesn’t mean that we can’t teach our children to, for example, listen to “what we say” because it is our job to teach and their job to listen, but rather it is much more about how we react when our expectations aren’t met.
Contrary to what a lot of people believe, our children are NOT a reflection on us. Remember back to our discussion on Psychological Separation? The fact that every action, word, choice, feeling or thought a person has is only about them and not about anyone else? This is also true of our children.
Many years ago, back when my husband had the Chicago Tribune delivered daily, I remember reading an article on a sunny Sunday morning. I was sitting outside on the patio, drinking a cup of coffee, and while I have wished many times that I took note of the author, I have never forgotten the words “We are not responsible for our children. We are responsible to them.” This was such a powerful statement and oh so very true. Having young children at the time, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Children are people. They are their own personalities, on their own mission to heal their soul. It is our job to care for them and support them and teach them. In other words, we are responsible TO them. However, we don’t have control of them, even when they are young. And we don’t need to... because we are not responsible FOR them.
I think that the majority of us, before we actually have kids, are under the naive assumption that we will have control over them. That we will be able to mold and shape their little personalities like clay. Once we actually have children, we begin to realize that this is oh so not true. Yet, in reaction and dismay, we may try harder to control, to exert our opinions and expectations onto them. Unfortunately, when we do this we create multiple negative consequences. First, for us - we create resistance to what is, which leads to greater emotional upset and angst on our part. One of my children (who will remain nameless) never sat still. He would move from one place to the next like a tiny Tasmanian Devil. At home, this didn’t bother me, but when we were out in public, when he couldn’t sit still at a restaurant, church or good Lord the grocery store, under the eyes of judgmental passers-by, I would get very upset. As a result, the patience and ease with which I parented him at home, was replaced with frustration, shortness, and anger. Then one day I realized, this is not about him. This is about my embarrassment and my fear that others will perceive me as being a bad mother. This is about ME. From that day forward, while it wasn’t always easy, I worked hard to maintain my composure parenting with patience and grace, while still do everything I could to manage his energetic behavior.
Another aspect of our natural tendency to try and control is fear for our children’s safety. As most parents know, having children comes with a lot of anxiety. The investment we have in all aspects of their well-being is immeasurable. And it is not just their physical safety that is a concern, but also their emotional safety. We naturally want to protect them from the inevitable hurts and pain that life offers us all. In order to protect them, we attempt to control them and/or control their environment. And again, there is a need for balance here. It is our responsibility to protect our children as best we can; creating a safe environment, teaching rules for self-care and being safe, encouraging them to make wise choices while helping them understand the consequences of poor judgment, all are important and part of our job. However, we often move far past this to a place of interference through unnecessary control of their environment or behaviors. And of course, the amount of control we attempt to exhibit also changes as our children age. We DO need to control the environment for infants and young children. But that requirement begins to lessen as children grow. What is important to understand is that at some point our desire for control shifts from responsibility to anxiety. We are obviously emotionally impacted by what happens to our children. But again, that is about us, not them. While the lines get blurry around this sometimes, it can be helpful to do some self-reflection to notice where, as a parent you may be making decisions not necessarily for their best interest, but your own.
If control is not helpful, damaging even, then what are we supposed to be doing? What replaces the need for control is a commitment to teaching Intrinsic Worth. While ultimately there may be other factors at play, influencing how our children become connected to or disconnected from their true selves, it is essential that, as parents we do all that we can to reinforce the truth of their innate worthiness. How do we do this?
It starts with understanding the power of our words and actions. When it comes to the messages we give to our children, everything we do as parents is amplified. It is almost as if attached to what we do or say is a “power boost” making it more meaningful and harder to ignore or release than the words or actions of any other person. So the good news is that if we are sending positive messages to our kids, messages that are meant to remind them of their true worth independent of their mistakes, then we will be making a positive impact. However, if we are intentionally or even inadvertently sending messages that point to their failings, highlighting where they fall short, then we will be creating powerful and negative consequences that serve, at least on some level, to contribute to a disconnection from their true self.
You may be wondering what exactly is the difference between a positive message and harmful message? While a full exploration is not possible in this episode, I will say that we must remind our children of their Intrinsic Worth which is not dependent on their failings and mistakes. If we focus too much on what our children do rather than who they are (and who they truly are) we do them a disservice. There is nothing wrong with encouraging children to make good choices. But we must balance that with also teaching our kids that no matter what they do, their value persists. That of all the decisions they will be faced with , the most important are those that honor and respect themselves. We must manage our own frustrations and emotion tied to unmet hopes and dreams and expectations. Our children are not here to serve our emotional well-being or make up for our own limitations or failures.
When it comes to adult children, the dynamic shifts of course, but never equalizes. As parents, our words continue to carry strong and powerful messaging. While it is no longer our job to protect or to teach, it continues to be our responsibility, both through words and action, to attest to their true and lasting worth.
Parenting is a job that sometimes feels overwhelming for everyone. Doing it correctly takes more effort, more focus, more sacrifice and more hard work than any other purpose we could be tasked with. So we must also be kind, patient and flexible with ourselves. Our best isn’t always going to be exactly what our children need. But when we align with our own Intrinsic Worth, we send a powerful message to our children, modeling what we also most want them to do: love and respect themselves despite their humanness.
My loving suggestion is to consider how you personify Divine Love.
Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope something in this episode was helpful or meaningful in some way.
You are light and you are love.