Relationships and Purpose

Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. Today’s episode is about our most important relationships - that is to say our romantic relationships. We will discuss the purpose of love and the hidden reasons we form a bond with that very important person in our lives. By the end of this episode, you may be thinking about your partner or spouse in a slightly different way. 

There is no doubt that relationships are the boot camp of life. While everyone’s earth school curriculum is slightly different, for the vast majority of us, it is the relationships we have with other people that create our biggest sources of frustration, insecurity, vulnerability and pain. The good news is that it is meant to be this way. Relationships are not meant to be easy. Instead, they are meant to teach us about ourselves. Relationships serve as a stage for personal growth and healing. 

The problems we have in our relationships come from the personal narratives (the stories inside our head) that project our insecurities, guilt, and judgement of ourselves onto our partner. It is so incredibly powerful to begin to understand that everything we don’t like about our spouse is within our power to change. While we can’t change their behavior, we can change our perspective and decide how much (or how little) all of it will affect us.

If we look at our relationships with others from a bigger perspective, we realize that they are not really based on needs but rather on purpose. The purpose is our mutual growth and healing.

If you are struggling in your marriage or another significant relationship in your life, rest assured that everything is present for a reason. This reason represents an aspect of your purpose. You have the responsibility, strength, ability and the power to address whatever unhappy issues you are facing and find healing and peace.

There are two important ideas to consider. First, we must understand that any romantic relationship and certainly life-long partnerships are meant to be challenging. Whatever we may think, their true purpose is serving as a catalyst to teach us about ourselves, in good ways, but more importantly in ways that will force us to look at where we lack and encourage us to heal, becoming better, greater, closer to our truest selves. When we see our relationships through this lens, we begin to understand our frustrations and our pain in a different way. 

Secondly, we need to understand that our NEED for this type of relationship is a fallacy. If you are someone who carries a lot of pain and struggle around finding a relationship, or if you are someone who is in a marriage or long-term relationship and feels unhappy, trapped or unloved, know that you are already enough. Whether you find someone to share life with, continue to share life with or instead navigate life all on your own, you are and will continue to be whole.

You are light and you are love.

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Transcript

Episode #17

Relationships as Purpose

 Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. Today we are going to talk about love. Love sweet love. We are also going to talk about the purpose of love, the hidden reasons we form a bond with that very central person in our lives. By the end of this episode, you may be thinking about your partner or spouse in a slightly different way. And hopefully, this shift will serve to shed some light on the more challenging parts... helping you grow within yourself as well as perhaps changing the dynamic within your most important relationship.

So no doubt, relationships are an experience of extremes. They “complete us” yet we struggle to find ourselves within them. They offer safety and security but limit our freedoms. They have potential for great joy but also for inevitable sadness. We enjoy the connection, yet sometimes long for independence and don’t always love the sacrifice. It is this constant attempt for balance that provides such an amazing opportunity for growth. But let’s be honest, personal growth isn’t on our mind when we are searching for that special someone.  

For many of us, our romantic relationships are also the toughest. I think we are often shocked by the reality of this, especially when we contrast the inevitable challenges with the ease and joy we experience at the beginning. But when we take a step back, it isn’t that hard to appreciate the fact that when we single out one specific human to be “our person” what comes with it is an awful lot of responsibility and expectation. More responsibility and more expectation than is fair or most certainly realistic.

I have heard myself say many, many times to the person sitting across from me that relationships are the boot camp of life. And maybe the first, second and third tours of duty! While everyone’s earth school curriculum is slightly different, for the vast majority of us, it is the relationships we have with other people, especially the important others, that create our biggest sources of frustration, insecurity, vulnerability and pain. The good news is that it is meant to be this way. So take a breath and hear me out.... relationships are not meant to be easy. Instead, they are meant to teach us about ourselves. Relationships serve as a stage for personal growth and healing. The specific stage that we find ourselves on, is also not by chance. Whether or not we realize it, we choose a partner based on deep personal wounding in addition to the important, but nevertheless somewhat superficial  - elements of attraction.

I often use the analogy of a puzzle... a relationship with a significant other is like a puzzle two people agree to create together. One person’s wounding happens to be the perfect shape to fit precisely with another person’s wounding. Unfortunately, while the pieces fit together seamlessly, the experience is often anything but. Now, before this gets too negative, relationships, of course, are not all doom and gloom. There are beautiful and joyful, even wondrous parts of a romantic relationship. Not to mention that the ongoing support and care we can receive from our partner helps to create a sense of trust and consistency that contributes to an essential sense of well-being in our lives. 

The trick is in understanding how to manage our relationships in a way that serves both parties, but also doesn’t take us down a path of heartache. Although, here is a disclaimer, while never a pleasant experience, within heartache there are always lessons. Experiences are meant to teach us, always. When you understand this foundational truth, everything that happens to us... you begin to see differently.

In general, the problems we have in our relationships come from the personal narratives (the stories inside our head) that project insecurities, guilt, and judgement of ourselves onto our partner. This doesn’t mean that our spouse is doing everything perfectly. They may very well be doing or saying things that we don’t like, that upset us. But, remember all of that behavior is about them and truly has absolutely nothing to do with us. But we choose to participate anyway. We get involved because we use our partner’s behavior to confirm the negative beliefs we already have about ourselves. It certainly doesn’t feel that way, though, does it? Instead, it very much feels like we are just hanging out, minding our own business and our spouse is out there taking one wrong turn after another, doing everything in their power to fail to meet our most basic needs. Again, no one here is saying that their words or behavior are right, or kind or respectful or good. But, not only is it 100% true, it is SO incredibly powerful to begin to understand that everything you don’t like about your spouse is within YOUR power to change. No, not change their behavior. But change how you perceive what they do or don’t do, naturally deciding how much or how little it will affect you... and, dare I say it... how much you care.

The power to be okay (whole, one, at peace) is always within us. We have previously spent some time discussing the needs we have for our partners and how things get sticky when the expectation that our needs will be met... aren’t met. So we go into relationships believing that our connection is founded on love - and the expression of love means (whether we realize it or not) that our identified person is signing up to meet our needs. But even though this is what we generally believe, the reality is that this contract is completely unnecessary. Why? Because we already have everything we need to be okay. 

If we look at our relationships with others from a bigger perspective, we realize that they are not really based on NEEDS but rather on PURPOSE. What purpose? Mutual growth and healing.... in other words, what does our relationship teach us about ourselves?  What wounds do we need to heal?  What are the points of contention in the relationship and how do they point to each person’s wounding? So the bottom line is that if you are unhappy in your relationship – look to yourself.

Something else that is interesting, is how we tend to judge relationships (those for ourselves as well as others)... we seem to judge a relationship by its ending. Did the couple stay together or break up? And while the pain of a broken heart is never pleasant, the true challenge isn’t in the ending - happy or otherwise. The real test is in the day to day. How we show up. How we participate. How we interpret. How we react. If we are going to judge a relationship, that is what we need to assess. Is this relationship teaching me something about myself? Wherever it is pushes me, am I growing? Am I doing the work? 

If you happen to be struggling in your marriage or another significant relationship in your life, consider this: everything that is currently happening that you don’t like is present for a reason. This reason represents an aspect of your purpose. And, what is more... is that you have the responsibility but also the strength and the ability and the power to address whatever unhappy issues you are facing and find healing and peace. 

I think it is also important to acknowledge that some relationships will not serve us, are not meant to serve us throughout our entire lives. Allowing for this truth by giving ourselves permission to let go of relationships that are no longer working for us is crucial to true growth. In fact, giving ourselves permission to end relationships, even marriage, can be in certain circumstances an act of self-love. I’ve seen so many people hesitate or even refuse to end marriages that are toxic and harmful. Feeling as if they were somehow failing or doing something bad by making a decision to take care of themselves. This is so problematic. No matter what the circumstance in our lives, we are always tasked with making the best decision we can to support and honor who we are. Sometimes the best decision requires us to make choices that have less than ideal consequences. We might put ourselves in a position where things become temporarily harder, where we must work through external challenges and/or negative feelings such as sadness, loneliness, fear. We may make choices that result in others in our lives who hold differing opinions or who are over-invested in our choices, to be angry or upset. But none of that nullifies the responsibility we have to ourselves. 

Here’s the thing. If we didn’t feel guilt or shame about who we are, we wouldn’t seek out the love (validation and acceptance) of someone else. We would already be enough. I know this is a hard concept to digest or, let’s be honest, accept. And I do believe there are layers of truth to all things, and especially the dichotomy between our human lives and our greater, spiritual selves. In our earth school, where we are tasked with navigating daily obstacles to learn and grow, there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to share that with. Wanting someone to be, in the words of Dr. Phil “our safe place to fall.” 

But if we step back and again look at it from a bigger perspective, this type of relationship is not necessary. In A Course in Miracles we are reminded that “love is freedom and to look for it by placing yourself in bondage (a strong, but yet pretty accurate word) is to separate yourself from it. Furthermore, to seek romantic love or what is called “the special relationship” is to completely misunderstand the concept of love. Love is constant, completely whole, unchanging, all encompassing. To love one person more than another is to misunderstand love - making it a choice rather than the truth.” Powerful. Don’t you think?  A Course in Miracles goes on to say that “when two individuals become one, they are decreasing their magnitude  - their separate union excludes the universe.” 

Okay, okay okay... I know these ideas seem extreme and totally go against our human understanding and desire for experiencing romantic love. And that’s totally fine. The purpose of sharing these ideas today is to hopefully help us step back just a little bit, disconnect oh so slightly from the pressure and expectation we put on those we share our lives with. We can still look for, participate in and enjoy romantic relationships. We can still want to get married or stay married and have a healthy, meaningful relationship with someone special. But, at the same time, it is very helpful (and powerful) to understand that by its very nature, this type of relationship is going to be challenging, because on some level it goes against our truest selves and the fact that we are already whole. 

The inherent dependence on another person’s validation is what makes romantic relationships both challenging and unnecessary. On some level we “trade” ourselves for theirs. That validation will always be less than. This “union made in heaven” is merely an “attractive form of fear” – guilt is deeply buried and rises in the form of love.

Alright, so what is the takeaway here? I think there are two important ideas. First, we must understand that any romantic relationship and certainly life-long partnerships are meant to be challenging. Whatever we may think or believe to be true about our relationships, their most authentic purpose is to be a catalyst for teaching us about ourselves, in good ways, but more importantly in ways that will force us to look at where we lack and encourage us to heal and be better, greater, closer to our truest selves. When we see our relationships through this lens, we begin to understand our frustrations, our pain in a different way. A way that relieves the intensity of our negative thoughts and feelings. A way that empowers us to make choices around our relationships that honor who we are and what we are here to do. 

Secondly, we need to understand that our NEED for this type of relationship is a fallacy. We don’t need it and if you are someone who carries a lot of pain around not finding that person, or if you are someone who is in a marriage or long-term relationship and feels unhappy, trapped or unloved, know that you are already enough. Whether you find a person to share life with, continue to share life with or navigate life all on your own, you will  be okay.

And if and when you do find your someone, you can appreciate all of the good, all of the positive aspects that sharing your life offers, while also letting go of all that is not ideal, that temporarily causes you pain. This knowledge, this understanding is a powerful way to journey through life.

My loving suggestion is this.  The next time your partner or spouse upsets you, ask yourself “What is their behavior bringing up for me?  Where do I need to grow or heal? Can I release my negative emotions towards them and refocus on what I need to do for myself?”

Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope that something in our discussion has made you think just a little differently about the one you love.

You are light and you are love.