The Communication Crisis

Season 4: Episode 19: The Communication Crisis

Welcome back to The Jenni Carroll Perspective! After a brief hiatus, we're diving into a topic that resonates deeply with many: communication in relationships. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I’m excited to explore why communication often feels like the greatest challenge in marriages and long-term relationships.

In this episode, we’ll uncover why even the best communicators struggle with their spouses. It turns out, the root of the issue is not just about how we talk but about the deeper dynamics at play. Communication is crucial for connection—it's our primary tool for bonding and resolving issues. However, when communication falters, it usually signals underlying problems.

We’ll explore the concept that communication issues often stem from unmet needs and expectations, personalization of others' actions, and the quest for validation. These factors create a complex formula that influences our communication patterns. You’ll learn why our internal struggles and personal expectations can disrupt our ability to connect effectively with our partners.

Additionally, we’ll discuss how the dynamics of personal worth and validation impact our interactions. Often, when we feel our worth is threatened, our communication can become defensive or resentful. Understanding these dynamics can be transformative, helping you navigate and improve your relationship communication.

Key takeaways:

• Communication Breakdown: It's rarely about the words themselves but about the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics.
• Underlying Dynamics: Needs, expectations, and personal worth play a significant role in how we interact with our partners.
• Personalization and Resentment: How we interpret our partner’s actions and our reliance on them for validation can impact our communication.

Join me as we embark on this journey to enhance our understanding of communication in relationships. Thank you for tuning in, and remember, you are light and you are love.

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Transcript

Hello and Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. It’s been a minute! Thank you for your patience and I hope you find this season both interesting and helpful.

For this series I wanted to focus on something I know so many of us have a hard time with. A thorn in our collective martial sides. And that is communication. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I have talked a lot, I mean a lot about communication. It’s sort of the bread and butter of what I do, as I’m sure it is for every other marriage therapist out there. Which is why I thought it would be helpful to focus today on what the heck makes communication so hard when it comes to marriage or any long-term relationship? Why is it the number #1 most cited problem in marriage?

What has always been so interesting to me is that I’ve sat across from people in my office who are fabulous communicators. They are articulate, thoughtful, great listeners and some have an amazing vocabulary. Yet these same people struggle to communicate with their spouses. What gives?

Well, the first thing to know....the first clue to the communication crisis is that the problem is almost never actually about communication. The ability to verbalize a thought or feeling and then respond to another’s shared thought or feeling is not the core issue. Instead, the problem is about the underlying dynamics that become a major obstacle to effective communication. These dynamics, which we will describe in a moment, inevitably make successful communication almost impossible. 

But let’s back up for a minute. Let’s consider the role of communication in a relationship. In any relationship. Communication is how we connect. Sharing with each other, whether it is to solve a problem, make plans, talk about daily experiences or just go on about nothing, it is our number one strategy for bonding. It’s how we operate as a team, walking together side by side down life’s path. If not for communication, how would we connect? 

Hmmmm well, maybe a couple things come to mind. There is the physical side of things... both intimacy and affection. A very real and important way to connect. Also shared activities, being in each other’s presence, doing things together that may not require a lot of talking,... playing a sport, taking a walk, watching a movie, sitting in silence watching the sunset. These are absolutely important too. But, I would argue that communication is still our default, it is our constant. It is the baseline for how we connect on a day-to-day basis. So, it makes sense that it becomes the first and the most obvious sign when something isn’t working.

Another factor that plays a role in the challenge of communication is the difference between  “the rules” we have for how we interact with our spouses vs. other people in other parts of our lives... such as our professional life (our careers, our work life) and our social lives - the relationships and interactions we have with friends, neighbors, and our community. Our personal life is not necessarily where we show up most authentically, but it is definitely where our internal struggle is allowed to come out. At home, with our spouses, we have very few rules. We do not don the mask of our best selves. Not that our “best self” is really a mask, although sometimes it can feel that way. It is more like an outfit we wear. At work or with friends we wear our nicest clothes. We intend to look good and feel good and clothes help to solidify that intention. On the other hand, at home, we tend to put on our comfiest clothes, no matter that they are stained and in desperate need of washing. It is here where we allow ourselves permission to be present with our internal struggles, whether it is our mood or  attitude, unease about ourselves or something happening in our lives. If home is where we allow our internal struggles to emerge, then it is not surprising that our closest relationships are affected by all that is going on inside of us.

So, to recap. Communication is our number one strategy for connection and bonding. And due to our universal need for space to deal with our internal conflicts, home is also where we allow these parts of us to emerge. So with just these two elements alone, we have set the stage for a challenge with communication.

Let’s continue with what else happens when it comes to the underlying dynamics in marriage. The easiest way to understand these dynamics is using the concept of an equation or formula. If there is a formula that results in a communication crisis, then the three parts to that formula are needs and expectations, personalization and creation of narratives, and finally the desire for worth through validation.

Now for a moment, let’s honor the fact that we are all special. We are all unique, our relationships are also unique because the exact details of our lives are like a snowflake, no two of us are exactly the same. And the “picture” of our marriage is going to look very different on the outside than say our best friend’s marriage or our parent’s marriage or anyone else that we know. Yet, there is one very real thing that connects all of us. MmmHmm, we are all human. 

Because we are all human, even though the details and circumstances of our lives differ, we are all in the same boat when it comes to dealing with our experiences. Each of us is left with working to understand and respond to our environment - the good stuff and all of the hard stuff... challenges, frustrations, disappointments...  We definitely have individual differences, but how we deal with feelings, reactions and choices fall into definable categories or patterns. These patterns influence whether or not our relationships are mostly positive or mostly negative and as an adjunct, whether or not our communication is positive, negative or somewhere in between. 

So let’s explore the formula that is responsible for the quality of our relationships and by default, the quality of our communication.

The first factor is the needs and expectations we carry for our spouse. One of the first episodes of the Jenni Carroll Perspective addresses everything expectations. I would encourage you to listen to that episode if you would like more information on this topic - Episode 2 Great Expectations. But let me summarize for now. Each of us enters into a relationship with a set of needs and the expectation that those needs will be met. Some of our needs slash expectations are conscious - the ones we know we have - the ones we could list off if we had to... for example the need for romance, for companionship, for someone to mow the lawn, etc. But then, we also have unconscious needs and expectations. While the details might differ, the bottom line is that we all carry the need for worth through validation. In other words, we need to feel worthy (which we usually identify as feeling loved) through the words, actions and choices of our spouse. Another way of saying it as that we entrust how we feel about ourselves... into the hands of our spouse. Now, the depth of this need can vary person to person, because we all fall somewhere on a spectrum of knowing our Intrinsic Worth. When we are able to validate ourselves and stand in our worthiness, the pressure on our spouse is less - although may still be there to varying degrees. But, if we aren’t able to see our Intrinsic Worth, then the struggle is real. We rely heavily on our spouse to meet this need. Although again, we aren’t usually conscious of this fact. 

What happens next is that our spouse will inevitably fail to meet our expectation. Sometimes miserably. When this happens, we write a story in our heads (the narrative) about how their failure to meet our need means that we are not loved, lovable, worthy. What’s interesting is that the expectation that triggers this narrative can be anything from something truly foundational (like speaking or behaving disrespectfully) to truly mundane (like not making the bed). But the deciding factor is how often it happens, what our story or narrative says and how much we are relying on them to feel good about ourselves.

We all write stories and to be fair, this is necessary to some extent. We are sort of clueless on a lot of things, including why other people do what they do, individually, collectively, people we know and people we don’t. We are also not always clear about what is behind the experiences we have. Why the train is late, why the store is always out of our favorite flavor of sparkling water, or why it is impossible to get an appointment with our dermatologist. In order to make decisions and function we make stuff up. We assume that this is the reason for that, or this is the reason for this, because it seems to make sense and we don’t really have anything else to go by. Generally, this is not at all a big deal, just part of what we need to do to function. But where this becomes a problem is in our personalization. 

Personalization is making someone else’s stuff - for the purposes of this conversation we will say our spouse... making our spouse’s stuff mean something about us. What is their “stuff”? Their stuff is their words, their choices, their actions and behaviors and sometimes what we even assume to be their thoughts and feelings. We take what they do say and make it mean something (usually negative) about us. 

Here’s the thing. We are all guilty of doing this, sometimes. And, we are all wrong. Completely. Because whatever it is that they did, said, implied or failed to accomplish has nothing to do with us. At all. What? you say. “Yes it does! If they loved me more, if they appreciated me more, if they were more interested in spending time with me, then they wouldn’t have done what they did.”

Nope. Now, I’m not saying that your spouse doesn’t have all sorts of thoughts and feelings. And yes, some of them might be about you - good and bad. BUT, what you need to understand is that whatever thoughts or feelings they have is not a reflection on you. Only them. 

I understand that this is a hard concept for many of us to wrap our brains around. Because it seems, it really seems like it does. It can be helpful to turn the tables and think about us for a minute, everything we do and everything we say is completely on us. We might want to blame others for the choices we make or even the thoughts that we have, but let’s get real. What we choose to think, feel, or do is on us. And even if we are angry with someone and acting in a certain way to “get back at them” or our upset or frustration leads us to do something or say something we wouldn’t otherwise have done...still. about. us. 

So if you are struggling to accept this principle, here is what you need to remember. You have value. You have worth by virtue of your existence. You are already enough. Whether or not your spouse sees your value, doesn’t change it. Agreed?

When we personalize the behaviors of our spouse and create negative meaning about us, then what also happens is that we build resentment. We begin to change what we believe - about us, about them and about our relationship. This shift in perspective changes how we communicate. The sadness and pain we carry from feeling unworthy translates into impatience, irritability, sarcasm, bitterness, and anger. While it doesn’t change who we are at our core, it does change how we feel, what we think and how we react.

When we see our own worthiness on the other hand, we are less dependent on what our spouse does or doesn’t do. We are much more able to let things roll. We will still get angry, but our feelings are perhaps less intense but regardless, more fleeting. Why? Because we can get over anything when we know that our value is deep and unchanging and because of this truth, nothing else REALLY matters. 

Now, it is important to know that this dynamic, this formula that is the foundation to all relationships does not automatically make all relationships healthy, or un-endable. We are always tasked with making the best choices we can for ourselves, which includes participating in healthy, kind, respectful, overall supportive relationships. Understanding the formula doesn’t mean that you can change your spouse. In fact, it points to the exact opposite. You can change only you. You can understand what is getting in the way for you when it comes to communication. You can change how much you rely on your spouse for feeling worthy. You can change how you communicate with them. But, the reality is, the decision to stay or go is still in your court. You can communicate better, but it may not change the fact that the relationship is not serving you well nor likely will in the future.

I also want to say that unfortunately for many of us, we have other struggles that interfere in having healthy relationships. How we feel about ourselves is influenced by many things - our childhoods, our mental health our ability to be self-aware (or not). Our emotional and psychological baggage comes along with us into marriage. Sometimes people have so many internal struggles that they are just not going to be able to meet someone else’s needs - or even come close. 

But the fact remains that for each of us this equation exists. And since all that we have power over is US, understanding how this formula plays out in our own internal lives can be very transformative.

So, when it comes to communication in your marriage.. this is where to start: Pay attention to your needs and expectations and the story you create when your spouse doesn’t meet your expectations. Also, notice how much you rely on them to feel good about you.

Thank you so much for joining me today for this first episode on communication. I hope it was meaningful or helpful in some way. And remember... you are light and you are love.

If you have a communication crisis in your marriage I have something that can help. I have created a self-paced online course that teaches you the framework for healthy communication and the steps to get there. There is so much information in this course, and I make sure that you have concrete strategies to begin to implement everything you learn. The other great news is that not only is this course affordable - but it is also something you can do by yourself. You have the power to change communication in your marriage. Take advantage of this incredible opportunity that honestly has the power to help you change your marriage and your life.