Cute and a Good Personality

Welcome to another insightful episode of The Jenni Carroll Perspective. In this installment, Jenni Carroll delves deep into the hidden dynamics that shape our relationships and communication struggles. Building on previous discussions about successful communication, Jenni takes a step back to explore the underlying reasons behind relationship issues.

Why do couples, who start out so in love and excited, often find themselves in a different place years later? Jenni uses the analogy of an iceberg to illustrate how the conscious, feel-good aspects of attraction are just the tip of the emotional and psychological forces at play. Beneath the surface, unconscious factors and unresolved issues drive us to choose partners who reflect and challenge our internal struggles.

Drawing on years of experience, Jenni explains how our emotional and psychological "pieces" fit together with our partners, often creating both harmonious and challenging connections. She argues that our chosen partners aren't a mistake but a critical component of our growth journey. By understanding these deeper dynamics, we can shift from a victim mentality to a more empowered perspective, using relationship challenges as opportunities for personal growth and healing.

Jenni also introduces her self-paced online course designed to help you navigate and improve communication in your marriage. This course offers practical strategies and tools to transform your relationship and is available at an accessible price.

Tune in for a profound exploration of why we encounter certain struggles in our relationships and how to turn these challenges into stepping stones for personal and relational growth.

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• Register for Jenni’s online course: jennicarroll.com/course

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Transcript

“Cute and a Good Personality”

Hello and Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. As we continue our series on communication in marriage and long-term relationships, I am excited today to explore with you what I think will be a very interesting topic. You have heard me say that problems with communication are rarely about communication - rather communication problems are a symptom of something going wrong beneath the surface - the deeper dynamics. In our last episode we looked at the House of Successful Communication and both the foundational principles (Expectation Awareness and Management, Psychological Separation & Persistent Forgiveness) AND the behavioral strategies (Validation, Vulnerability and Boundaries). All of these elements together will change the underlying dynamics in your marriage that are negatively impacting communication. 

But today, we are going to take a step back. We are going to go back in time before there was a communication problem. We are going to explore why things went wrong. 

What the heck happens to couples when they get married?? Two people who are in love and excited to share life together... how is it that so many of us eventually find ourselves in a completely different place from where we started? 

Let’s try and answer that question today. It all starts with attraction right? Chemistry. We meet someone. We think they are cute. We think they have a good personality. They “get” us. We feel the buzz of mutual magnetism. We connect. We relate. We fall in love. Nice right? 

Now I want you to think of an iceberg. Sort of like the one that the Titanic hit, no pun intended. Our feelings of attraction... the feel good feelings we have about a potential boyfriend or girlfriend (or eventual husband or wife) and all of the thoughts that are connected to those feelings like “They are meant for me” “I can’t imagine my life without them” “I’m so excited to spend every day with them” “They complete me”  are all like the tip of the iceberg. The part that we notice. It’s a very real part, for sure. It is the conscious part. But, while it’s the part we see, it is not the only part. In fact, it is just a very small part of a much bigger - but also mostly hidden, emotional and psychological network that draws us to someone and ultimately motivates us to commit. 

Really? Are you suggesting that I’m not even aware of the biggest reasons why I chose my spouse? Yes, I am saying just that. There are unconscious factors at play in every romantic relationship. These unconscious parts in us connect to unconscious parts in them. And the energy between the two is magnetic.

For many years with the couples I see, I have used the analogy of a relationship being like a jigsaw puzzle. The relationship is formed when our emotional and psychological pieces and their emotional and psychological pieces snap together much like the parts of the jigsaw puzzle. That’s so sweet, you might be thinking. Well yes, except, for as many of our pieces that fit together in a positive way, there are just as many that connect in a negative way. Or maybe negative is not the right word. Let’s say a “challenging” way. A struggle or wounding or blind spot within us, is triggered by a struggle or wounding or blind spot within them and vice versa. Each of these connection points becomes a point of contention in the relationship. 

So on an unconscious level we are choosing someone who will agitate the exact thing that we struggle with the most. Crazy right? Why do we do this? Wouldn’t it be easier to choose someone who just “flowed” with us? A relationship with someone that would allow us to simply ignore the parts of ourselves that we struggled with?

Well first of all let me say that there may be and probably are, parts of us that mutually support and “flow” with our spouse...these “flowy” parts exist alongside the parts that struggle. So that does happen. But in understanding why on earth we would (even unconsciously) choose someone who will inevitably create frustration, tension and upset in our lives, we must get back to understanding our purpose.

I would say that for the vast majority of us, more than any other experience in life, relationships are where the opportunities for growth live. Growth and healing is why we are here. Life is hard and it is meant to be. I also think we are meant to have many wonderful and joyful experiences too, but at the end of the day, life is definitely meant to push us. In order for any sort of growth, healing or expansion to take place, we must be presented with challenging circumstances first, and then figure out how to use what we have within us to overcome.

I’m not pretending that I have all of the answers here. I know enough to know that there is so much I don’t know. But, what I do know is that the person (or series of people) that we choose to connect ourselves with is not accidental. There is something within them that we are meant to experience, that we need to experience in order to figure our own stuff out. And there is a part of us, even though it is unconscious, that recognizes that and is drawn to them because of it. 

Alright, if you are still with me, you might be wondering why this even matters. How does this idea or principle help us or enlighten us? My answer to that question is that the more we understand why the challenges in life are placed in front of us, the better prepared we are to overcome them. If we know that there is a very real purpose behind the struggles we experience with our spouse (even if we are not exactly sure what it is) And, we recognize that there are deeper, meaningful reasons why we chose our spouse in the first place, rather than just bad luck, or a giant mistake, we avoid the victim mentality... We can release the thoughts and feelings around life being unfair like “why is everything so hard” and “why does this always happen to me” or “how could I have made such a stupid decision?” and replace them with “this is hard for a reason” “what do I need to work on” “where is this pushing me to grow” “where is fear keeping me from healing” and “I am meant to learn something here.”

Let me be real. I’m not suggesting that we will approach every frustration or challenge or issue in our marriage with serenity. When things happen we will still have anger or sadness and maybe even the “why me” questions. But the difference is we can use our greater understanding to help us move out of that emotionally reactive place and on to something that is more helpful, more truthful and gives us the necessary space to find clarity and the courage to learn what we are here to learn.

So, getting back to the problem at hand. Communication. Communication problems are just a symptom of the struggle beneath the surface. And we now know that the struggle beneath the surface is because two people are experiencing necessary points of contention in their relationship. These tension points are meant to be there, with the purpose of teaching each person something about themselves. Knowing this underlying principle doesn’t make the communication problem easier or immediately solvable, unfortunately. But, it does help us to shift our perspective of it - quite a lot.

What seemed like an unnecessary, immature, frustrating and maybe even ridiculous experience at times, is just a clear manifestation of something deeper that we need to figure out. And, rather than just focusing on what it is about them that we don’t like, we begin to take stock of ourselves. What is my part in all of this? 

Soooo, do we want this responsibility? Isn’t it easier to stay in a place of anger and blame towards our spouse? Well honestly...temporarily easier? Probably. But, in the long run, staying in a place of blame and focus on someone else’s bad behavior (even as important of a someone as our spouse) keeps us stuck, gives away our power, and prevents us from positively moving forward in our lives. 

Frustration with others or with the world, is a signal. But good or bad, it isn’t a sign that something needs to be done about them. It is a sign that something needs to be done about us. In some way. Even when arguably the world is crazy or cruel, there remains something in us that can and needs to change. 

In the words of the (Anna EES) Anais Nin, “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” In other words- when it comes to our spouses, “We don’t see them as they are, we see them as we are.”

With love comes expectation. Expectation inevitably creates disappointment, negative feelings and sometimes relationship chaos. When it comes to our marriages and the people in our lives we have chosen to love, knowing that there are reasons for our connection and there are reasons for our struggle - both much bigger than whatever it was that we originally thought  -helps us to take a breath and shift our perspective ...and ultimately forces us to deal with whatever is within us that needs to be healed.

Thank you so much for joining me today for this episode on relationships and communication. I hope something today was helpful or meaningful in some way.

If you have a communication crisis in your marriage I have something that can help. I’ve created a self-paced online course that teaches you the framework for healthy communication and the steps to get there. There is so much information in this course, and I make sure that you have concrete strategies to begin to implement everything you learn. The other great news is that not only is this course affordable - but it is also something you can do by yourself. You have the power to change communication in your marriage. Take advantage of this incredible opportunity that can help you change your marriage ...and your life. Register now at jennicarroll.com/course.