The Geriatric Mom Podcast with Dr. Nefertiti B. Poyner

Help! I'm an Introvert and my Child is a Total Extrovert!

• Nefertiti Poyner • Season 1 • Episode 7

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As the new year unfolds,  I extend an invitation to a heartfelt discourse on the complexities of being an introverted mother to children who light up in the company of others!!! My story sets the stage for this intimate exchange, as I reveal how the quest for tranquility often intersects with the bustling energy of our extroverted offspring. 

This episode is an ode to the silent strength of introverted mothers and the exuberant spirits of their children. I offer a collection of thoughtful approaches designed to foster an environment where the quiet and the vivacious can coexist and flourish. Embracing moments of solitude for ourselves while championing our children's social inclinations, we discuss the art of balancing quality family time with personal recharging. By sharing my tales and embracing the collective wisdom of our community, this episode is a beacon of support, urging you to reflect on the true essence of self-care and its pivotal role in the tapestry of parenthood.

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Speaker 1:

The first five years of life are the fastest period of human growth and development, as 90% of a person's brain development occurs by the age of 5. Parents, we have some work to do. I'm Dr Nefertiti Poiner, a first-time mom at the age of 41 with over two decades of experience as a teacher, speaker and researcher in the fields of early care and education and adult well-being. Welcome to a space for moms who are raising children, prenatal through age 8. You're not alone and we will do this together. Just as soon as I can find my glasses, madison, have you seen my glasses? No Five, four, three, two, one. Hello there. Welcome to the podcast. I am your host, dr Nefertiti Poiner, so excited that you're here. Happy New Year, welcome to 2024. It's so nice to be back.

Speaker 1:

I took a break over the holiday. I was going to try to put some content together and get us all ready, but then I said nobody's watching podcasts over the holiday, was I right? I think I was right and, more importantly, I said I needed a little bit of time to just reconnect with family and friends and to practice self-care. So that's what I did. But here we are, january the 12th and we're back and, as you can see from today's title help, I'm an introvert raising an extrovert. So I want to talk to moms today who are introverts and who are raising extroverts. Now again, let's talk a little bit about this personality type. Well, first of all, hello to anybody that's joining. If you're listening over on Apple iTunes or Spotify, then hello. You can't see me, but those of us that are over here in YouTube land, hey, it's so nice to have everybody here. So what does it mean? What do I mean when I say introvert and extrovert? So introversion and extroversion to me are all about where you get your energy from. Where you get your energy from, and so, as an introvert, what that means to me is I gain my energy by being able to sit quietly and do things where I'm kind of by myself, and so my full time job has me in front of audiences, big and small. I mean, I've talked in front of thousands of people and when I finish, people say I cannot believe that you're an introvert. I used to think I was shy Before I became an adult. I used to describe my behavior as shy, or and or other people would describe me as shy, but that's not what I am. I am a person who gains her energy by being by herself, and let me say that again for the people in the back, I get my energies by spending some time alone, and so, if I can give you an example, it is so important to me that this podcast be a space where you look forward to coming, and so I.

Speaker 1:

I have been trying all day to get to this effort, but I have had a webinar, I had a meeting this morning, I have phone calls in between, and then I have some other projects that I'm working on, and I haven't had a chance to get quiet, and one of the things that happens when I can get quiet is I'm just I'm not a problem solver, I'm not patient, I am just not myself, and so I actually have to, like, take a few minutes before I got back into the podcast, because listen those of you that are listening to me in an audio format If I don't use a tone of voice, if I don't smile and laugh with you, if I don't come across as energetic, you're going to listen to something else, and I know it. So I have to stay, I have to have something to be able to give, and so the introvert in me has to get quiet. And again, those of you who are watching me on YouTube like, listen if I sit here and talk like this and I did not do anything else but this the pause button, go on to another. Listen If I start talking too long. Even, oh, even though I think I'm pretty exciting, you're still going to watch another podcast or another something on YouTube. So I sell all that.

Speaker 1:

To say introverted parents, introverted moms, it means God designed you. Sometimes the best thing anybody can do for you is give you some space to be by yourself. So, again, my birthday is at the end of the month, right? And so my husband was like, well, what do you want to do for your birthday? So we already have some plans. I was like, well, we'll just tack them all together and we'll make that a birthday weekend. I said, if somebody really wants to do something for me, you can give me a gift card to my favorite cat craft store. Let me buy all the things I want and leave me alone. Drop a comment in the box if that would be you, right? Like, just give me a gift card so I can go buy. Go buy the things I need, and and just, everybody, go somewhere, right.

Speaker 1:

Introverts, introverts, introverted moms who read. Yep, I got time, the power of habits, I got Oprah's favorite things and this is my favorite magazine for well being breathe. Do you read this? Oh, it's so good, it's so so, so, so good. Email me if you want to know more about that magazine is so good. But, once again, what you see me doing now requires energy, and the best way for me to come across in a way that I want for my family, for you, for those that I train, is to make sure I'm making some time for myself.

Speaker 1:

But here we are. I waited until I was 41. And I had a baby. And guess what? My baby is an extrovert, my baby is an extrovert, and so for most of my life as a national trainer, I didn't when my energy was depleted at the end of an event, because that's what happens. Introverts give out their energy. They can do it, they can have the small talk, they can chat with people, they can speak in front of thousands, but they want it to be over. Let me tell you, let me make it very clear they can't wait for the thing to be over. I messed around and 41 still training had a baby. So after training. The baby wants to talk, the baby wants to tell stories, the baby wants to know how the training went. And, as a mama, I want to talk to the baby, but I don't have any energy. But I make it happen, but I make it happen. So let's talk to the moms who are also like me.

Speaker 1:

You're an introvert, but your babies are extroverts. First thing first, and it's not about them, it's about you. Your introversion is not a personality disorder. There is nothing wrong with you because everybody else loves to mingle, loves to be with people, and you can't wait to go home and binge some Hallmark movies. The first thing I want you to know is there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with the way God designed your child. You know God knew what you could handle, so he makes no mistakes. You might be an introvert, but you have everything that extroverted child needs, and so the first thing I want you to remember is that there's nothing wrong with you. I want you to own the fact that you're an introvert. And again, let's talk about what we can do as introverted moms to meet the needs of our extroverted children.

Speaker 1:

When Madison was a baby and I was able to, you know, meet her needs quietly. My being an introvert didn't matter as much, right, it was only when she was getting older and she was requiring more theatrics and more energy to keep her engaged. And because I'm an educator, I know what I need to do and I know I have a responsibility to do it. You know, when I was a classroom teacher, I was an introvert then as well, and at the end of the day I was so dog going, tired and people would say you know how was your day? I had an amazing day, but I couldn't think straight. I couldn't think straight but it was because I've been singing songs all day, I've been talking in different tones, I've been using, I've been going at it all day long, but again, as a single person, I could go home, I could refill and I could meet the needs of my students the next day. Well, as an introverted mom, my student don't go home. This is her home and I'm often on. I'm often on trying to make sure I'm present for her. So here is what I've done lately, and I'm so glad I had this webinar space to share this with you.

Speaker 1:

Madison now understands what mommy means when she says she's an introvert Like. She can tell you what. What I mean when I say that. It just means that I need a few moments alone so that I have the energy to do other things. Right, that's what I told her and I think, I think I feel like a relationship is stronger and better because she kinda and I'll say kind of, because again, all of her understanding is still developing. But she doesn't have to guess why mommy's in her room. She doesn't have to wonder from sick. She doesn't have to wonder if me and daddy have had an argument. I don't want to talk to him. She doesn't have to worry because I can say to her madison, mommy's gonna go to her room for a little bit, just so I can recharge, and she's like okay, and you know what our new rule is? We've been practicing this since a school started.

Speaker 1:

The first 30 minutes, when you get home, you are gonna find something to do independently. Yes, because come here, mom, and I really need to talk to the introverted mom. If you, if that's not sure, you can go do something else real quick. But come here, introverted mom, don't the children talk a lot, don't they talk a lot? They got a whole lot to say, don't they? Yes? And now, as they get older, you know, when they were younger you could just say mm-hmm. Yeah, just, they just took a little bit of your energy. Now that these babies are getting older, you gotta Google some of the answers. You gotta go do some research to make sense of what they're talking about. You have to stay present so you can remember to teach. Okay, extroverted parents, come up, come on back in, we can all talk together. Now it's amazing. And so she'll. She'll say to me mama gave you my 30, your 30 minutes already, and it's like five minutes is passed by. I said, madison, we just got in the house and mom hasn't even had a chance to do whatever it was I wanted to do next. And so she'll say, okay, she'll set an Alexa. She will set an Alexa for 30 minutes, and after 30 minutes, my extroverted child is back in space talking about mom. Whatever she's gonna say next, let's talk about what it means, what I mean when I say I have an extroverted child.

Speaker 1:

An extroverted person tends to be someone who gains their energy by being around other people. So where, for me, being around other people is an energy draining experience. Introverts never met a stranger, could talk for days and hours at a time, and that's just who they are. And so you know what I had to say to Madison. She understands mommy and she understands there's nothing wrong with her either, because she enjoys being in the company of other people.

Speaker 1:

Now some people have asked me before do I think Madison's an introvert? Because her next oldest sibling is 19 years old at the time of today's recording and I was like I don't think so. I don't think so because she just yearns for conversation and talking to other people. I really think she is textbook extrovert. But guess who else is textbook extrovert? Yes, my husband and her dad are. They're both there. Those, yeah, those two are two peas in a pot when it comes to their extrovert, they're extra. They're both being extroverts, and here I am the only introvert in the house.

Speaker 1:

And when I say, communicate my needs, I don't only communicate my needs to Madison, but I also communicate them to my husband, who knows that he is married and introvert and he knows that I sometimes need to break from it all and especially now that we have Madison, that the that there is a need there and he totally gets it and I'm very thankful for that. So make sure you know, as an introverted mom, do a really good job with self acceptance. There is nothing wrong with you, beautiful, nothing wrong with you. You are who you're supposed to be and that is okay. So I want you to do a little self acceptance, but I also want you to communicate your needs to your child as they are able to understand, but also the other grownups in your in your space, because maybe tonight you just don't have the energy to do homework. It's just been one of those days where your introverted self has just never, you've never felt so drained because of whatever you've had to do, and I just need some help with homework tonight, okay, or we're all going to be at early tonight because you've had one of those days. You know it's okay. Give yourself permission to do that, my beautiful extroverted mom. I'm sorry, my beautiful introverted mom. The next thing I want us to do and I was saying this, I said this before I'm starting to look at some of the work of Dr Gary Chapman around love languages.

Speaker 1:

I was wondering, if I want to, I might bring us a small podcast about it, but Dr Chapman looks at things called love languages and it's your primary way of a person showing you that they care, that they love you, and I strongly believe that one of Madison's love languages is quality time. So, as an introverted mom raising extroverted children, you're going to have to schedule in the quality time with your child. It's wonderful if they've got things that they can do by themselves, but you're going to have to have things built into the day that they like to do, where you're going to do it together. And guess what? I say this all the time and I hope our podcast community will help us spread the word. Children need our presence. They just need you to be there and to listen and to know that they matter and to know that, like I'm here, that's what they need the most, especially at this birth to eight year old age span. And so when you can get down on the floor and you can do stuff with them, you can act interested in a game that you know nothing about. You can get outside and do stuff with them.

Speaker 1:

Introverted mom, I know, I know it's not always easy, but you just did a wonderful thing for your extroverted child. So I want you to make sure you're scheduling some time to meet their needs and right behind it you might need some time for yourself. I get it, but make sure you build in some time for quality time between your introverted self and your extroverted child. Another idea to think about if you are an introverted mom like me is to make sure our extroverted children learn how to play by themselves. See, because if the child is an extrovert and they're always wanting to be with other people, they may not even know how to get quiet and be alone. And so we've been trying to introduce Madison to the idea of, as an eight-year old, what hobby do you want to engage in? And so, as your child is getting older, introduce them to things that they can do more by themselves. And don't be afraid to use that language, because you can simply say while mom is over over here reading, you can do a, b, c or d. Again, I want you to use the language so that they understand, and so what their interests are are always changing, and that's okay. But let's introduce them to the idea of solitary play, playing by themselves, and that there can be some joy there. Now, once again, if you got a real, real extroverted, it ain't gonna last but so long, but I do want you to think about teaching your child how to be comfortable while playing alone. It's a very important part of just development, but it really is necessary when you're an introvert and your child's an extrovert.

Speaker 1:

This other idea that I want to share I often share this and I think the first thing I hear when people say this is never TDI, don't have it. I want you to tap into your village. If you are an introvert, especially mom, if you see that your energies are being drained by trying to meet your child's needs and the other things that you do as a mom. If you're starting to feel that, I want you to ask for help. I don't know where your village members are, but I first want you to get okay with being able to say to somebody I need a little help. Can you please come over and stay with me, or can you babysit?

Speaker 1:

Again, safety is always first for me, so I don't want you just allowing the child to spend time with just anybody. We got to make sure our babies are safe. But I do want you, nefertiti. If your husband says I'm going to take Madison, let him take care. Maybe you had something to do you were going to do. You can change that. Go do that later.

Speaker 1:

Your introverted spirit needs that and it's okay to ask for and receive help, because some of us we're really good at asking for it. But then when somebody says I'm going to come pick up the children this weekend, no, no, that's okay. That's okay If that person is somebody safe in your village who you know will do nothing but take care of that baby in a safe and healthy way. It's okay to tap into your village, it's necessary. You can't do it all and if you keep going the way you're doing, you're not going to parent the way that you want. So when you can tap into your village, ask for and receive the support that you need which brings me to my final idea. Before we get out of here today and again I pause because I think people hear me say this all the time, you hear it everywhere but I want you to prioritize your care, your self care.

Speaker 1:

As soon as I finish this recording, the video is going to need to be edited and uploaded to some systems and all other kind of stuff, and I am not going to do it tonight. I'm not going to do it when I finish the recording for our web, our podcast, today, I'm going to save it until tomorrow morning, because guess what, as an introvert, I have learned that the solitude of the morning is some of my favorite space. There's no noise, there's no talking, there's nobody asking for anything, it's just me. Sometimes I put on some good gospel music or get my devotional out, or I just I do me, whatever that looks like, and I have watched my behavior when I make time for that early morning. I am, I've got breakfast, I've got smiles, I've got. I'm just better. We are at the drop off line. I'm ready to get my day started. I don't always do it, but I am starting to get a lot better at it.

Speaker 1:

What does your self care as an introvert look like? That's a question I want you to be able to answer my introverted mama. As an introvert, what does self care for me look like? And that's actually my call to action today and I'm going to say see you later. I would love for you, if you're over here on YouTube, to leave a comment for me and our community. What does self care look like for you as an introverted mom? And if you're listening in a audio format, please email me and I promise I will share it with our community. What does self care look like for you as an introvert. All right, I'm getting out of here now. I've got my Breathe magazine. I've got my Oprah's list of favorite things. I think this is real old. I got my time. Habits matter, yup. I got my water bottle. It don't say Stanley, but it says Nefertiti, and I think I like this one better. And I'm going to go do what an introvert mama does.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes people don't like titles like introvert extrovert because it says it puts you in a box. And so to that person today. I wasn't trying to put anybody in a box. I am talking to the mother who is not only a bit overwhelmed by the task of motherhood, but what she has not always realized is that she's an introvert and she's never alone because she's always with her children. And so there's a twofold thing happening here the mother is exhausted by the work of motherhood and she is exhausted because she is not able to get quiet. And if you're listening today and you know an introverted mother and want you to reach out to her and let her know she's not alone, even if you're an extrovert and you don't really get it, and now you have a better awareness about what is happening to your sister and I'm so glad that we're here and I can't wait to see you again, really, really soon. Until then, if you are an introverted mama, what does self care look like for you? That's what I would love to hear from you about, until I can see you again.

Speaker 1:

All right, signing off the geriatric mama, dr Nefertiti Pointer, I'll see you in our next podcast. I want to go read my books and drink my Nefertiti word. Thank you for listening to today's podcast. I am hopeful that, if you are an introvert mom, that you found your space here today, and if you're not an introverted mom, but you know an introverted mom, share this podcast with her Again. Everything you need is in the show notes. Thank you for listening. Share and like this podcast, if you would, and I can't wait to talk to you next time. Take good care.