The Geriatric Mom Podcast with Dr. Nefertiti B. Poyner

I Can't Believe I Did This - Mommy Mistake #134,129,021. Don't Do What I Did

• Nefertiti Poyner

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Today, we'll unpack the impact our words and actions have on our children now and in the future.  I'll share a lesson learned from my own 'Mommy Mistake'. Please listen to the entire podcast and before you go, download a copy of "Speak Life " a tool I have created to help each of us sprinkle daily conversations with affirmation and warmth, click here to get your copy!  

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Speaker 1:

The first five years of life are the fastest period of human growth and development, as 90% of a person's brain development occurs by the age of 5. Parents, we have some work to do. I'm Dr Nefertiti Poiner, a first-time mom at the age of 41 with over two decades of experience as a teacher, speaker and researcher in the fields of early care and education and adult well-being. Welcome to a space for moms who are raising children, prenatal through age 8. You're not alone and we will do this together. Just as soon as I can find my glasses, madison, have you seen my glasses? No Five, four, three, two, one, hey, hey there. Welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 1:

I am your host, dr Nefertiti Poiner, the geriatric mama. Geriatric not the term I've given myself, the term the medical field has given me because, dog on it, I had the nerve to intentionally have a baby after 35, way after 35, 41 even, and no regrets living my best life. And I'm using this podcast space to just talk a little bit about what I've learned over the eight years, because at the time of this recording, madison is almost nine, so we share what we're learning raising our nine-year-old. But I'm also a bonus mom and so we've learned some things through that, and I also am a teacher, I'm a researcher and I spend my days looking at how to raise resilient children, and we're using this space to not only couple what I see in the research around raising resilient children, but also what I see in the Bible about raising healthy children mind, body and spirit. I believe when you put those two things together, it can be amazing. And so welcome to the podcast. If you're listening to me in an audio format, that is wonderful. I'm so glad you're here. I want you to also know we also roll over on Amazon. I was going to say Amazon, yeah, we're going to roll over, and Amazon too, but we also roll over here on YouTube. And so, again, thank you for listening. Wherever you are listening from and however you are listening, welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 1:

Mommy, mess up number 1,340,071. Leforty, are you really counting your mistakes? No, but I figure it's about one million mistakes, because, mama's, we are going to make mistakes. But listen to me, this one I am. If you're listening to me in audio, there's nothing wrong. I'm still here.

Speaker 1:

I just I was so mad at myself when I did this because I know better. I know better. I may have said this before in another one of my podcasts.

Speaker 1:

At the time of today's recording, our eight year old is not reading a grade level and a few weeks ago I was talking to my mom and my mom was like never to be. Sometimes you have to stop being the teacher, never to be, you just need to be Madison's mom. And I was like I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that, and so some days I do get very worried that, listen, she's doing so much better, so shout out to Madison. I mean she is, she's doing so much better and her efforts toward all of her, what we're asking her to do, has been phenomenal, so shout out to that little girl. And I do worry. I mean it's third grade. You know what they say about third and fourth graders and their reading levels? Like it has everything to do with so much of what is ahead. So, if I'm being fully transparent, there are some days that my stomach starts to hurt and I get worried.

Speaker 1:

This mistake I made was one of those days. Had a long day. This day had a long day. We were getting ready to do homework and the way we normally do, and she said something to me. I don't even remember exactly what she said, but she says something to me that made me. Let me take that back. Her statement didn't make me because nobody makes me do anything. I allowed it to make me. You hear how I caught myself. It's not fair to say my child made me say that or my child made me do that. No, ma'am and no sir. If you're happening to listen today and you're a fellow, no, ma'am, no sir. Our children don't make us do anything. I allowed that statement to get into my, the statement and behavior Madison was presenting. I allowed it to get in my spirit and I said back to her and once again, there's no audio challenges, I'm still here.

Speaker 1:

But again, I can't believe I even did this. I said to her if you don't get this right, mommy's going to have to make you repeat the third grade. Do you want that? And you might be saying well, never TD. She might have to repeat the third grade if she doesn't get it right. And you're right, and you may even say never TD. Your feelings are, you know, you're, you're, you're worried, so you're just. What's wrong with what you said? Here's the question, mom, is anything about my statement helpful? Sitting at your desk during the day thinking if I don't get this right, my mom is going to keep me back. Is that helpful? And to that mom and that might be saying, well, yes, never TD, because it could be motivation. I got you, I got you, and I think a tiny bit of that is correct and what I am, you know and I mean a tiny, you know what I take I take that back in full transparency, and it's again today, while we have today's podcast.

Speaker 1:

I absolutely believe that sometimes child understanding what the ramifications of behavior may look like, that will change the way they do things. But as an eight-year-old and that's why, again in 2023, I am changing the way we we narrate this podcast, because older children Absolutely Understanding what the ramifications of behavior are may help them get it back together and and stay and know how to set better goals for themselves. Because my daughter is eight, she does not need the pressure of mommy saying to me I'm going to be left back. That's not what she needs. And so the mommy mistake that I made is I didn't speak life into her. I scared her, I made her worried, I put doubt in her spirit, and that is not what we want to do as Parents, and so I want you to just give me a little bit of time today to unfold some ideas Together about how to speak life into our children. That's really what I was going to call today's podcast.

Speaker 1:

But I was like maybe nobody's gonna listen if I say speak life. The mistake I made and that's true, it is a mistake, and with my mistake I am learning to do better. Because, listen, all mistakes are just opportunities to say what can I do better? And here I am, at my one million mommy mistake and I want to again, maybe relabel today's podcast Speak life into our children, particularly I really, during the difficult times, particularly during the times where you're like, oh, oh, you know those times. Well, today we're gonna talk about those times. Remember and podcast number it was number one, no podcast, number two. Podcast number one was our Introductory podcast where I talked about talking with children up, young children, about how to handle death. If you haven't checked that one out, make sure you check that one out. But number two, our second podcast, talked about good self-care for moms, because Self-care has everything to do with how you respond to the ups, the downs and in between and in between does a parent.

Speaker 1:

But this day. Again, if I'm being fully transparent, nothing about Madison's behavior warranted what I said to her. Nothing does any eight-year-old sit down with eagerness and joy? Yes, let's do homework, mom, yes, yes, no, not many, I'm gonna say, not gonna. I'm not gonna say no, eight-year-old but not many eight-year-olds. But boy, I had one of those days. I had one of those days and because I was having one of those days, I said something to her that I really did not want to say. And you know what I did I apologized to her and I explained to her that there is no reason for mommy to say what I said to you today.

Speaker 1:

And I also use this, use it as an opportunity to be transparent with her about our efforts, because I don't want to scare her, I don't want to have her have any doubt in her respond, in what she has to do, because moms, our children, see themselves in the reflection back in our eyes and we have to mirror back to them power and possibility, and you can do this. We have to mirror that back in both our eyes and in the words that we say. You know Madison likes to use the word ancestors, right, and I always make sure she understands everything that we have and everything we are yet to become. We owe a lot to our ancestors, right? And so I say to her like, listen, today is Thursday and everything you want is right out in this world. There are going to be things that you have to do to get those, but you have possibilities. You have the a space in your life where your goals and dreams can become actionable steps for the rest of your life.

Speaker 1:

And I remember once listening to a Michelle Obama talk about Having children. Say what you want to be when you grow up. You know it was actually Barack Obama's, either his in his one of his inauguration, his inauguration speech or something leading up was the first time I had, with an earnest ear, been able to listen to somebody talk to everybody about the entrepreneurial life, right, you know, many of us were. We were taught to grow up, get a job, get a good education or, as they say down in some places, get you a good old edumication. Right, get you a good old edumication, but get it. Get a good education, get out there and get a job in life is going to be wonderful. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1:

It was again in, in in, uh, former President Barack Obama's speech, where he talked about being an entrepreneur, and so you can grow, you can certainly advance your education and you can have a dream of being an entrepreneur, but what are we going to do today, eight-year-old, to make sure that happens? And then Michelle Obama, when she was on tour for her book Becoming, she said let's stop asking children what you want to be when you grow up, because asking that question means it's like one thing I want to be this. You know, I say to Madison what are you going to do to change the world? That's what I say to her. What do you want to do as you grow into a young person, an older person? That's going to change the world.

Speaker 1:

I don't use language of occupations around here. We use language of occupations. Yes, there's no occupation, there is an occupation. And I'm saying all of this to say how we speak to our children especially this birth to eight-age is going to impact the rest of their lives. And so here I am in Mommy Mistake, one million, something, something, something, something, something, something. But we're going to use this podcast space to think about how best to do this.

Speaker 1:

And again, we're not going to check all the buttons today, but again starting a conversation where you can continue it where you are, about how to speak life into our children. Again, I see everywhere in the research about how important it is to speak positively to children. You will not always see terminology that says speak life into our babies, but I love that strong language because anytime you are feeling like you want to say something that is not going to be so helpful, I want you to remember to speak life. You know, I said those things to Madison out of a place of being tired and overwhelmed and she didn't deserve it. But if I can remind you, those of us again who are, who adhere to the teachings of the Bible Ephesians 4.29,. And I want us to listen to this because, again, think about what we say to our children.

Speaker 1:

Don't let any unwholesome thoughts come out of your mouth. Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building children up. The Bible doesn't say children, but today, if it be okay, lord, I'm changing the word a little bit but only what is helpful for building your children up according to their needs. That afternoon, when my eight year old was sitting at the table, she needed me to say I know you don't always want to do homework, but it's a wonderful opportunity for us to practice speak life. My eight year old didn't want to do our homework, but it's a wonderful opportunity to say all right, we're going to set our timer for 25 minutes and after our 25 minutes we're going to do some dancing in between, because that gets her excited. But again, ephesians 4.29 says build others up according to their needs. When your child is acting that way, what do they need? Respond to the need and speak life. And then, finally, that it may benefit those who listen. Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. All right, and again, we're not here to have a Sunday morning sermon, although we can do that if you want to. What we are here to do is to make sure we are speaking life into our babies. So let me give you a few ideas to think about, and then again, we'll see each other in our next podcast.

Speaker 1:

Okay, first thing I want you to think about when you're speaking life into your babies is I want you to be specific. I want you to be specific. See, as you speak life into your four babies, each of them has a God given talent, strength, personality, and remember I said a moment ago, they are looking in your eyes and listening to your words to mirror back who they are. And so when you say good job, good job I love, that's not enough. I want you to be really specific.

Speaker 1:

So again, if I can use Madison for example, madison has such a way with both babies and animals. She sometimes, when she's in the company of a baby, that she seems to be able to soothe because herself the baby whisperer. But when she's also with animals, she has a way of just getting everybody calm. Now, again, it could be an emerging strength. I don't, we don't know yet, but when I'm speaking life into her, I can say Madison, you have such a way of being so patient with both children and animals. I can't wait to see what you do to influence the world with that skill. See the difference in what I just said.

Speaker 1:

And again, sometimes I think people will say well, not for TD, you want me to say all that all the time. I didn't say that, I didn't say it, but it took me Not even 15 seconds to do what I just did. Is your baby not worth 15 seconds? All right, again, let's say you have a child who is super wonderful at problem-solving. Mira back to that. Mirror back that for them when I say be specific again, get really animated, a particularly in this young age. How'd you do that? How did you even figure that out? You need a YouTube channel. Let me record this and figure out how we can get you to help the other people who don't know how to use it like Again, give it back to them in amazing ways. You have a child who's a wonderful athlete.

Speaker 1:

Be again specific, because it's not that you score such such great many points, son or daughter, it's the fact that you have been practicing and that you are a great team member and that you're a great leader and that you're a great Listener. Do you see where we're going with this? You have to speak life and be specific once again. If I go back to podcast number two, some of us and somebody listening to the podcast today, you already know how important it is to do what I just said. One of the reasons why you don't always do it, however, it's because you're tired, and I'm going to ask you to do whatever you can to make sure you stay in a place where you can speak life into your children. And One of the strategies I'm asking you to think about today is to be specific at the time of this recording that big cruise ship from Carnival cruise Whatever, I don't, I think it's called icon icon of the sea. It's going out today or this weekend and we have said to Madison when she turns double digits, we'll see if we can get a cruise somewhere in the year that she turns double digits, which happens to be in two years. So double digits, we don't have to start saving for some of the things that she wants to do. Right, but she's like mom, I want to get on that. I want to get on that. And you know how we all we always talk about we have big aspirations. You have to plan for those things. So she already knew. But my second thing that I I want us to do as we speak life into our children is Make it big. Y'all Elevate the expectation on what they feel they can do and become so.

Speaker 1:

When I was a little girl, I used to love to sketch. Y'all remember some of y'all. So young, you'll need to remember. And if you listen to me on On audio. You don't, you can't see me, but I'm trying to do an example over here in in in YouTube land.

Speaker 1:

Remember that sketchy thing like it came in pieces like this and you could put them together and then you had a piece of crayon you did like that. Remember that thing. I wasn't called at your sketch, it was maybe called design sketch or something right. You could put it all together and then you sketch it. Y'all know I'm talking about shake your head, Okay, shake your head, okay. Anyway. When you finish, you had a Sketch of a design and you could change the skirt, you could change the shoes.

Speaker 1:

I loved that thing and I thought I, okay, I was like next time I did it. I just got a pencil paper and I was sketching stuff out. You couldn't tell me I wasn't doing something. You could not tell me I was not gonna be the next. I don't even know who the best is who. Who's out here now, whatever designers. You could tell me that wasn't gonna be me.

Speaker 1:

And then one day my mom was looking at my drawing and she said, oh T, this is nice. She said this is nice. She said you're gonna design for plus size people. I need what you talking about, mom. Well, maybe the all of my dresses had a Cinderella bottom, or maybe their arm flat was too big. I don't know what my mama was saying, really, but here's what my mama did. Whether I was gonna be a teacher, whether I was gonna be a fashion designer, whether I was gonna be photographer, whether I was gonna be whatever that thing was, my mother made it feel like it was possible. My mother made it feel like it was possible. She never said never TD. You may not be able to do that because of that, or never TD. You may not be able to do that because of that.

Speaker 1:

My mother spoke life into her children in very common loving ways, and that's why we're having today's podcast. The world outside of some of our doors Will tell our children that they can't be this or they can't do that because of their zip code, their family, makeup, the color of their skin, and I don't care right now about everything else. Everybody else says we gonna deal with that because we do continue. We do have to continue to deal with that. But where your power lies, mom, is to every day, remember to speak life into your children. And first, I ask you to be specific. Secondly, I said a Allow them to dream big and help them understand some of the steps that are going to have to be there, but put no limits on the things they want to do and become and to contribute to this world. That's what we're talking about today when we talk about speaking life. My last two ideas I'm actually gonna put them together because I think they kind of go together. I want you to tell them and show them how you, when you're speaking life into your babies, I want you to tell them and show them how they can be everything that they want to be All right.

Speaker 1:

So, for example, when I was a preschool teacher and I love pre-K students, pre-k students are my favorite I love four and five year olds and those babies are transitioning over to kindergarten, and so in my classroom my babies wrote an autobiography. They did that. We had a museum where, when it was time for us to tour Africa, we had a museum and we did all kinds of tangible things and you have to have a ticket because after we did everything, you have to come to our classroom and you have to have a ticket to come to our museum. We all had passports because one time they were talking to me about we used to walk to the train station around a corner from where my center was, and one day I said to the children where do you think the train is going today? And one day one of my babies said this train is going to Paris. Well, this subway ain't going to Paris and you're going to need a few trains, airplanes and a few other things to get to Paris. But now that you talk about it, let's talk about Paris, and we did a whole unit on Paris and we had to have passports to go and it was a joy.

Speaker 1:

But I want to think with you about this. Go and show your baby what is out there for them. So, if we can take for example again what do you want to be when you grow up? Let's say your baby says I want to be an astronaut. All right, maybe a good idea would be to take a picture of their face and then Photoshop it onto an astronaut's body and put that astronaut's body on a book cover. Listen, back in the day. Listen, if there was those places called where you can go, send and have books made, I would have no paycheck. I already didn't have a paycheck as a preschool teacher. But I would have no paycheck if I was making books for my babies, because I love that they always had books that featured their faces and I love watching them read books about each other.

Speaker 1:

But let's say your baby says they want to be an astronaut. You take a picture of the face, you Photoshop it onto an astronaut's body, you put it on the front of a cover and then you narrate with your child a story that tells how you can become an astronaut, what are the steps that might be necessary to become an astronaut. You tell your baby and you show your baby how those things can come to fruition. And then your baby is forward with this book about me becoming an astronaut, and then your baby keeps reading it at five and at six and at seven and at eight and at 18, she's still reading it. But you spoke life into her that day. She told you she wanted to be an astronaut and you told her, you showed her how she could do that. And that's again while we're here today. We're talking about speaking life into our babies.

Speaker 1:

I hope all of this has made sense so far. You know, in 2024, I'm being a little bit more intentional about the time we spend together. I don't believe that podcasts need to take 45, 35, 45 hours when we can get the information in small bites. I think that could be better for all of us. And so today we were talking about speaking life into our babies, and I said one of the first things I want you to do is be specific. Remember back, for your baby's distress, that you see that God has given them. Then I said I want you to set no limits on the things that they say they want to do and become. Just go ahead and ask them every day what do you want to do to contribute to this world to make it a better place? That may be the question you ask instead of what do you want to be when you grow up? And remember there are no occupations around here, it's all occupations. And as your baby is growing and developing, show and tell them how they can become who they want to become. Tell them and show them how, and just a few minutes ago I just gave you a quick example of maybe a book that you could write and do together so that it can be something they tangible, they can hold on to. But if I can, I want to also go back to how I started today's podcast and I told you I'm on mommy, mistake number one million blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1:

That afternoon that I said those things to Madison, it was because I was tired and I was overwhelmed, and you're going to have days when you feel like that, and so today in today's show notes, whether you're listening on YouTube or if you're on an audio format, I put together just a small little resource for us, called speaking life sentence starters to use to love and live and to build relationships with our babies. Sometimes, when I'm not in the best place, I can get stuck and I say the first thing that I think about, and that's not always good, and so I sometimes need a sentence starter, some of the things I can hold on to the say when, when, when I want to say something that's not helpful, and so I would love for you to download a copy of the sentence starter resource that I put together for us. Again, it's in the show notes on Apple, on iTunes and Spotify, and then in YouTube it's in the comments section. Okay, don't let you get in the way of speaking life into your children. Does that make sense? And I'm looking back at myself as I record this Never teedie, don't let you get in the way of speaking life into your children. All right, all right. Again, thank you for listening. If you learned anything today, would you please like share, comment and make sure we are getting this podcast out to as many. As we can Remember, in the first podcast, madison told us we're trying to go viral.

Speaker 1:

I just ask that God's will will be done. Those who need to hear it will need to hear it. I do ask, however, that you do what you can to help spread the message. Today we talked about speaking life into our children, and I share with you my mommy mistake and I'm asking you to just be careful. Don't let you get in the way of speaking life into your babies. All right, I'll see you next time. Have a wonderful day. Thank you so much for listening to today's podcast. I'm so excited that we were able to get quiet and think about speaking more life into our children, and I say more because I know we're already doing a lot of this, and so let's keep it up.

Speaker 1:

The resource that I created for us is entitled Speak Life Sentence Starters that Speak Life and Love into Children, especially during tough times. So you can download it in the show notes or if you're over on YouTube, down under the video, you'll find it there. Don't leave this podcast without clicking the link to get your hot little hands on this resource. And, as always, I welcome your comments, your questions. We're in this together. I'm at Mommy Mistake number one, million, something, something, something. But today's a new day and I'm ready to speak. More life. How about you? I'll talk to you on the next podcast.