Never go Into a Stressful Situation without this

I have discovered a way to help you with stress.  I call it "Putting Pillows in Place."  

So today I want you to know that. No matter what stressful or anxious situation you have to experience, because we all have to experience those, you can have a set of tools that make it always tolerable, that make it always possible to get through it with grace, and you have that tool right inside of you.

It is the tool of your imagination. I'm going to explain how you can never have to feel totally panicked or anxious again in any situation. So it first begins with you accepting all of us, accepting that we're allowed to feel any way that we ever feel. And if we have difficult feelings, they just need our attention, our love, and our care.

That's all they ever need. Our feelings are trying to take us to our best life. They're trying to protect us. They're trying to, um, show us what we really, truly want out of life. And the better we get at managing them, loving them, and caring for them, the easier our life gets. So how do we dramatically reduce anxious feelings when we have to go into difficult conversations, risky situations, emotionally risky situations.

Transcript

 I'm Sheila Wenger, and this is Shift is Happening. I started this channel because I was getting such jaw dropping results in my office, and it started to haunt me that I knew so many other people not in my office were suffering from feeling the way that I used to feel all the time. Life is so hard right now.

And I used to feel like I had no power to make it any better. Like I was just a pinball being bumped around by all the demands of this world. I really started to get some momentum in the last five to 10 years on how to make life work, and I started doing that with people in my office and I just need to keep getting the message out.

So today I want you to know that. No matter what stressful or anxious situation you have to experience, because we all have to experience those, you can have a set of tools that make it always tolerable, that make it always possible to get through it with grace, and you have that tool right inside of you.

It is the tool of your imagination. I'm going to explain how you can never have to feel totally panicked or anxious again in any situation. So it first begins with you accepting all of us, accepting that we're allowed to feel any way that we ever feel. And if we have difficult feelings, they just need our attention, our love, and our care.

That's all they ever need. Our feelings are trying to take us to our best life. They're trying to protect us. They're trying to, um, show us what we really, truly want out of life. And the better we get at managing them, loving them, and caring for them, the easier our life gets. So how do we dramatically reduce anxious feelings when we have to go into difficult conversations, risky situations, emotionally risky situations.

This is something that I want you to take it to heart. Principle number one is that you almost always have time to deal with the feelings before you have to enter that situation. So if you have to have a difficult conversation, you can buy yourself time by saying, I need to have a difficult conversation with you, but I'm not ready today.

By you're saying that you're letting the person know that you need to have the conversation. 'cause otherwise it's gonna keep haunting you, but you've bought yourself time to process the feelings and now they're on your side. They know it's gonna be difficult, so they wanna get it over with. So they now want to know how can they help you have it.

Okay, and you can just say, I just need some more time to get clarity, and then I'd like to sit down with you. Now. You've just bought yourself time to have the clarity. Once you have time, here is the exercise that will help you visualize that difficult conversation going the best it could possibly go and begin with the end in mind.

So. Picture yourself at the end of that conversation, feeling relieved, feeling like that person understood you and heard you and was willing to work with you, and then that you feel so much better after that conversation that you feel like the relationship has strengthened. There's more time, more understanding, more confidence in each other.

This is a tool of our imagination that is the most underused tool in our consciousness. By imagining it the way that we want it, then we feel the emotions we want to feel in our bodies. That relief, that understanding. Then after we felt the way we wanna feel by imagining it, we say, how did, how did that happen?

How did it go so well that I feel this way? Well, it went well because. I spoke my truth in a way that they could hear it. So they were able to take in what I said without getting offended or defensive. Well, how did that happen? And then you start thinking, well, I guess I just expressed how I felt in a non-threatening way and in a vulnerable way so that they would empathize with me.

And then when I did, because they had some sympathy and empathy, then they helped me want to solve my problem. Then we solved it together, and now I have this solution that I can totally live with. Or if even if I couldn't change the timeline of the situation, at least now I know that they're on my side and pulling for me, whatever it was.

So now I've begun with the end in mind, I've felt the feelings I wanna feel. I asked myself, how did I get those feelings? What did I do to get there? And now I know what to do. So now I might go to that person and say, okay, I'm actually ready a little sooner for that difficult conversation. Do you think we could sit down?

Now? They sit down and then I go open, honest, and a little bit vulnerable. I'm really nervous about this conversation because I don't want to upset you. I don't wanna let you down, but I am struggling with something already. There's not much to be mad at me for saying that, so they're likely already warmer.

And so, okay, so what seems to be the trouble? Well, I wanted to get this project for you, you know, done on time and really well, but I became a little intimidated, intimidated by this one part of the process, and then I found that I had procrastinated on it. So now the deadline is feeling, um. I'm not, I'm not gonna be able to make the deadline, and I feel remorseful, and sorry, because I really wanted to do a great job for you, and I want to be able to continue to do a great job for you, but I'm afraid I've let you down.

Likely I've put myself in a position where they're going to do what they can do to help me so that I'll feel supported, so that I will keep working for them and feel safe enough to keep taking risks, to keep getting better. If this is a, a boss kind of situation, it is far easier for them to work with me and strengthen me than to fire me and rehire.

That's always true for any employer employee. If you have close to the skills and I can help you build those other ones, you're gonna, and you're gonna trust me and we're gonna have a good relationship because that it'd be better for me to put in the work than to fire you and have to com, you know, create a committee to interview somebody new.

Okay, so a pillow in place. Whenever anyone has to go through a a stressful situation, they should put the pillows in place that they need in order to be able to handle it. Okay? So one of those pillows is to visualize it the way you most wanted to go at the end, and then back yourself into how did that happen.

That's a pillow you should always put in place if ever you have a stressful, anxious situation. Okay. The other thing about pillows in place is that you are the only one who knows what you need. Only you can go inside of you and go, what do I really need in order to survive this? And that can be a number of things.

A lot of people will need to talk about it with their mom, their best friend, or someone they can really trust that, that they can say the most vulnerable thing to. So, for example, I'll do a different example. Maybe you have a a date that you are going to go on, or maybe you're going to approach someone that you're romantically interested in.

If you're gonna do that, it's best to triangulate with your people and say, I'm scared to death. Get all your scared, nervous feelings out with them so they don't come out when you're talking to the person that you're trying to impress. Go to your best friend, go to your parents, go to the most trusted people and say, I'm terrified.

She's gorgeous, and I'm afraid I'm out of her league. And they can help you. Well, are you, I mean, I'm afraid she's outta my league. Well, is she out of your league? I don't, I don't know. You're a pretty, you're a pretty cute guy. I think you just underestimate yourself. They're gonna help you because they know you outside of you to get better acquainted with what's really true.

You definitely don't. If that person is truly out of your league, it's not a good idea. And if, if they really are, it's better to find out the truth from your friends. And that's gonna hurt less than taking this big risk, which will then shut you down from asking other people out. So go to your most safe people and be the most vulnerable.

Get it all out. I'm scared to death. What if this happens? What if that does happen? Then you can play out the scenario. Well, what if she does say that? What will you do with your safe people? You can practice all the worst case scenarios, so you've already lived them. So if that happens, you already know.

You've figured out a plan for what you're gonna do. So you can at least save face and not feel like a total doofus, and you've already experienced that anyway with practice. So if it happens, it's not gonna be as bad. That gives you more confidence to go approach her. Because you've already practiced everything.

You know that those could happen. And if so, you know what you're gonna do so that you save face or make it a laughable, funny moment instead of something totally where you just blush and feel completely humiliated. So another pillow in place is practice and confess all of your biggest fears with your safest people before you ever go into that situation.

I'll apply that to a couple of other, other situations. What if you have a speech to do? Practice that speech on a person who's gonna love you no matter how bad you suck. Try it out. And when you start stumbling over your words, you'll realize really soon I need more preparation. I've gotta go fine tune this part, then I'll come back.

Great. You're safe with them. So you can bumble all over yourself and realize, I've gotta practice more. Great. Then you're gonna go practice more. Then you're gonna come back and they're gonna say, that's better. And you can fine tune it. But do that with your safest people before you ever have to get in front of the actual situation.

If this is resonating with you, like, subscribe and leave a comment or a question down below. I'd love to interact with you and even fine tune my topics for what you really wanna hear. Okay? Other pillows in place that you can use anytime you have a stressful situation. Another really good one is to give yourself a really great reward for doing it.

We're always growing when we're doing something uncomfortable. Now, sometimes. We're intrinsically moed motivated to do that thing because it's in our passion, it's in our wheelhouse. We just long to do it because it's our gift to give to the world. Other times, we have to do things that are super scary that we're not particularly motivated to do.

In that case, it's a really good idea to give yourself a reward after it's over. So let's say, I'll think of another situation. Let's say that you wanna have a difficult conversation with your spouse or your partner. Let's say you're even having relationship concerns, but you're afraid that if you bring this up, they're gonna flip out or they're gonna break up with you, or it's, it's gonna create some potential chaos.

Okay. First of all, let's go back to my other other tips. Visualize this first as best it can possibly go. Then talk yourself back. How did that happen? And then you're gonna approach it in the best way possible. Second, give yourself time and pick out the day That's the best day for you to have that conversation.

Look at your week or your month ahead and pick a day where you've got some extra space around it so that if it doesn't go well, you've got time to process it, grieve it, and handle it without having to have 10,000 other demands on you. So that's giving yourself time, which you always can do. And then think, all right, if I'm gonna have that conversation next Tuesday and I don't know how it's gonna go, then on Wednesday I might have to take that day off and that'll be my reward.

So if it goes well, I can celebrate. I can go to the gym. I can have a coffee with a girl, with my best girlfriend, I can go do some shopping because I'm proud of myself. For taking an emotional risk and making my relationship better, and I'll be thrilled that it went well and I will go have a whole bunch of fun.

And if it doesn't go well, then I've got time to process that I can meet that friend for a walk and grieve and process. What do I do next? I can not have to be on demand at work when I'm not gonna be emotionally up for it. So whenever you have a truly difficult challenge, it's a great idea to give yourself a reward after, because those, what's most, absolutely most important is that you get yourself to do the thing because that is your growing inside.

You're growing into a stronger person for facing the challenge. You are teaching yourself that you can do hard things so that when life gets harder later, you'll know that you can handle it. The most absolute important thing is taking that risk. So because of that, you can put any pillow in place that you need in order to be able to do it.

This tip of pillows in place is something you can do any time you have any anxious situation, and you'll find yourself getting better and better and better at handling those things, which then again, makes you fall in love with yourself because you realize you can't control life, but you know exactly what to do when you have something difficult ahead.

And when we fall in love with ourselves, we automatically pour it. Spread it to other people because when we feel good, we have more energy to give. When we feel good, we know how badly it feels not to feel that way. So we just are eager to help people when they're struggling and that makes them love us more, appreciate us more, and it makes our relationships flourish.

So starting with you, treating yourself this way, reducing your anxiety by, by putting those pills in place so that you will do the hard things so that you'll grow into a person who knows you can, that can do hard things, that will change your life on the outside because you're not thinking about the outside.

It happens automatically when you're doing the work on the inside, in your own sphere, taking care of you, giving yourself the things you need to make your life flourish. I'm Sheila Wenger. This is Shift is Happening. I love you.