Episode 6: Breaking Cycles & Embracing Differences: Kerri’s Parenting Story

In this episode of Beyond the Spectrum – Conversations with Parents on Autism and Beyond, we sit down with Kerri — a teacher-turned-mum who shares her deeply personal journey of parenting her neurodivergent son while discovering her own ADHD along the way.

Kerri talks about:

• Navigating life transitions and multiple moves
• Creating an environment where her son feels safe and understood
• The challenges of getting a diagnosis when your child "masks" well
• Reparenting herself to break cycles of generational discipline
• Building co-regulation skills and fostering emotional awareness
• Choosing alternative education paths, including homeschooling and small schools
• The importance of finding your tribe and connecting with other parents on the same journey

Kerri’s story is a powerful reminder that every child — and every parent — has a unique path. Her honesty and openness shine a light on the often unspoken struggles and triumphs of neurodivergent parenting.

Tune in for heartfelt insights, practical wisdom, and a big dose of hope.

If you enjoyed listening and found this content valuable we'd appreciate it if you could provide a positive review and to share this with your network to potentially reach and help more parents and families 🙏

Transcript

• G’day, guys. Welcome to another episode of Beyond the Spectrum podcast. I'm joined with a another amazing guest, Kerri. Thank you very much for joining us, Kerri. I guess we'll get straight into it. Tell us about you.
•  Okay, so I'm Kerri. I am a mom of one child and we were living in Queensland for um a good portion of time, but I've just moved down to we've just moved down to New South Wales. I in my previous life I was a teacher for 15 years and then I've taken a step back in that journey once having my son started to recognize a lot of traits um within myself that are were coming out in him as well and then that led me to get my ADHD diagnosis um when he was two. We're still on his journey but um didn't notice any of that when I was teaching. So a little revelation for you.
•  Yes, it was. Yeah, definitely.
•  Yeah. Great. So, and how are you finding finding it all so far? Are you sort of Makes sense? No, it makes sense now. Yeah. Yeah.
•  Yeah. And I think that I find that's helped as well. And I find that um we haven't had to looking down the autism realm as well. But because I create an environment for my son and myself that sets us up for success, we've had some challenges with getting diagnosises because he isn't presenting extreme stress um because his environment is ideal and it's in a safe space. So that has been a bit of a challenge to get over the line with um any diagnosis for him. He has got hearing impairment as to myself. Yeah. But
•  that's the struggle like as in a struggle from a medical perspective because I I guess from teaching and being able to nurture him in a way hasn't it does create a lot of moments of distress for him. But over the years we've worked together to um become a bit more of a baseline. So that becomes less. But it's hard to convince other people in the medical field.
•  So, it's a double-edged sword for you. So, that's Yeah. Yeah. You're you're setting things up nicely to to to function well, but then they're looking at the proof and going, "Well, we're not seeing it." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, that's been that's been the hardest bit, I think, is getting over the line with that. and and and is that a something that you're still having to push forward with or are you sort of
•  Yeah, because we've done a lot of moving in the last 18 months, two years. We were on the Sunshine Coast, then we've moved to Charle in Queens, southwest Queensland, and then now here. So, it's been a big challenge in the last Yeah. But um we'll be able to set up those services again, but he has NDIS already since 9 months old. And now his plan actually does involve a little bit more with the psychologist so we can go down that route of assessment again and OT and everything. So he's had he's had the benefit of having all of those early interventions from the get- go.
•  Yep. Yeah.
•  To provide a you know a foundation for him without having any diagnosis official. And is he aware of any sort of difference or diagn Yeah. We talk about all the time about like how how many spoons we have left of in that energy like
•  Yeah. Okay.
•  So we have a bit of a running record of like well he's only I've said I've only had like a handle left. He's like well I can give you some of my spoon mom like we can share it out. And
•  that's been really good like just and knowing that he's you know my brain's just different and it's good like everyone's got different brains. So all of that self-acceptance and it's just being the norm. Um, but we did start school last year and he did two terms and I had to stop school. I pulled him out.
•  Yeah.
•  It was a big struggle last year. Well, not struggle, just a different um a season of it being really hard for him. And I could see that as term one moved into term two that his reluctance there was a lot of school can't going on for him and I recognized and that was something that we were going to do a homeschooling journey but because I started teach I did start teaching again last year but just wasn't working for us and I recognized that and I didn't want to push him so that the trauma would be
•  embedded. So after term two, he'd said, "I'm done with prep, Mom. I've turned six. You can homeschool me."
• 
  
• Well, I guess there's no no better person to do it considering
•  Yeah. Yeah. We just took I took a relaxed approach and just unschooled him for the rest of last year.
•  Yeah.
•  I didn't want to enforce anything cuz he was very anti- reading and like he was very very getting very distressed, very angry at school, lashing out at me. the the emotions were getting a lot more violent to what he used to be like and just not being able to process a lot of things like like he was before. So I know that if I kept pushing him in school last year, he's he'd be a different child now, but he's going to a school now. Yeah. Okay.
•  Um it's a school of 30 kids and he loves it.
•  Oh, nice.
•  And and the school is accepting and and understanding and all that sort of stuff. Y so there's 11 kids in his class from prep to three.
•  Yeah. Wow. Okay.
•  And he's loving going. I I was a bit like not sure, but no, he's really thriving and that's been fantastic so far.
•  I bet that's a relief for you then.
•  Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yep.
•  Oh, yeah. Okay. No, that's that's good. So, it's it's interesting how Yeah. they can sort of push back on things like your your reading and that sort of stuff. And and I know I've got a young fellow who that I do support work with and um parents he was meant to go to prep this year, but you know, he's very smart and and he would be bored at prep. So, you know, in my my brain, it's like, all right, it's it's always good skill to have the writing and stuff. He has roller doors and fans and and I'm sort of thinking like, okay, he wants to do YouTube, so next week, well, when I see him next, I think it's going to be wet. I'm going to get him to write a little script out for his YouTube video and film him sort of, you know, practicing, you know. So, instead of that forced reading and writing,
•  that's where the ADHD or even autism as well. Like, you've got to have a special interest otherwise they just like I do. I'm like,
•  I don't what's the point? There's no point. There's no point to it. And that was something I struggled with school. There's no point to it. So, I I empathize with the students about some of the things that we had to do with
•  school. But being able to be creative in a way that shows them where the relevance
•  of writing some stuff
•  correlates with their interest, then you're on you're on a good wicket there.
•  Yeah, that that's right. Yeah. And yeah, it's about nurturing their interest, isn't it? Yeah. And knowing that um so I was teaching in a Steiner school and like I had kids that weren't reading or refused to read or write until they turned 13 and then boom like that something just clicked in their head and we didn't push them just they're still absorbed with it and we just but that the
•  the push wasn't there to demand them to just do what you can and then it just fell into place and then they started reading novels just over a summer they just sort of started yeah I'm ready now.
•  There you go. Awesome.
•  That's that's good. That's so good. Yeah. Just seeing how people evolve and change.
•  Yeah. When
•  when no pressure and need it. So yeah, that's that's pretty awesome. So any other sort of challenges that you've faced on on your journey?
•  Yeah, the emotional regulation and being able to regulate myself first.
•  Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's that's a big one, isn't it?
•  To do the co-regulating. So if I can't regulate myself, there's no there's there's no way my little child was going to regulate. So I had to reparent myself in in these years as well. So my my family that was not how we were taught like it was out of fear and coercive control and things. So I've had to um reparent myself cuz I wasn't going to do the same form of tactics to
•  cope. And and it's just cuz my you know my mom only knew what she knew and I was like well I I know that but I know that that's not going to work for me. But I was very reactive to him when he was little just cuz Yeah.
•  I knew, okay, well, I need to do it in a different way. And so, yeah, until I could regulate myself, there's no way I could actually meet him where he was at.
•  Yeah. It's a very generational thing, isn't it? That whole discipline and that sort of stuff. And you only know what you know and and and you know, you work out, well, hang on, that's I didn't like that. Is you are they going to like that? say how do I how do I do it different or or better? What sort of things did you have to do to to reparent yourself? Was there anything in particular or
•  um in a child work lots of revisiting myself looking at what I felt? Why was I getting triggered? Is it because watching like shame like the envir like the society watching as my child's not coping then the implications of that being oh you must be a bad parent you know like all of those stories coming into your head but then having to move through that and go actually that's not what it's about he's having a hard time and I used to do a lot of um I've read like lots of books and watched a lot of YouTube clips and Vanessa I can't remember her last name she's from Canada she does a lot of work with Maggie Dent she does a lot with child psy psychology and everything. I was fascinated with all of that
•  to be able to cope and like work out how to do this. Go, oh no, got to be on their level. So like and then I started modeling that a lot in public
•  and with friends to go this is and our kids are okay if they lash out. They're not their brain's not fully yet. And just to understand that from a
•  cognitive level myself.
•  Yeah. Yeah. removing I guess that expectation or that you know oh what will people think they're being kids and my and I think that's been fantastic because he's six and a half now that I've had that time away from actually any of my family or any other influences around it's just been the situation we've been in but it's just been him and me
•  for the whole of his life so I've been his prime unless he's been at kindi or childcare
•  I've been his prime co-regulator And so I feel like he's equipped with a lot of tools now when it's been difficult for me coming back to my hometown and having my family see how they react when he has a reaction cuz I don't react to it but they like trying to shush him or bribe him with lollies or money just like cuz they're not coping right and
•  that's really fascinating to watch that but know that I
•  he's okay and he'll tell them no I don't want you hugging me and that's okay and I my body or he'll be like when I'm ready like he's very good at um advocating for himself now, which is fantastic.
•  Yeah, that's funny. So, a little boy I work with, he's he's funny cuz I deliberately will push a few buttons and, you know, sort of try and get that reaction just to see how they react. And and my favorite one he says to me is Clint, read my body language. Yes. Yes.
•  I'm like, that is so good. It's like read my body. That is not okay. And that's me pushing him on the swing. So I think I just think that's amazing to see him sort of how he he's aware of that and
•  that's so good. Yeah. Supporting their window of tolerance as well is a hard balance cuz you want to there to be protect them but you also know you'll do them a disservice if you if you don't allow them to have other people in their life that may have a different approach to to their tone. Elijah is my son and he's very
•  he's had a very traumatic before birth and and early starts to life.
•  So people with raised voices
•  is internally threatening for him. But knowing that he's still safe
•  and a bit can get challenged with a bit of authority if it's not in the right heart space.
•  Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's as that's a really good point is having that exposure like kids I know at school who you know when it's exam time they get taken out of
•  out of the exam room to a separate room and they get all this thing and and I'm like it's great that they're looking after you but part of me is also you know cuz he didn't get taken out he had to do it in the in the room you're in high school now when you are
•  in a workplace you're not always going to be able to have that sort of space. So, go let's work on your adaptability and and how to handle these situations. Not just having everything go go his way and have everything perfect cuz that's not how it works. Yeah. But also having and I I guess it is time, space, and resources. But to have
•  accommodations for people because regardless because interview you're struggling because the world's still trying to get us to still be in the neurotypical land where it's like well actually you guys can easily accommodate for these things. It's not like or you know maybe they need head like to be in that space. Yeah, that's the rule of exception or whatever but let's accommodate. I think definitely needs to be that accommodation for people but also being able to have the ability to sort of adapt if it's not there and then have that safe space at home to sort of go oh that was a big big day I need to go home and
•  yeah and recognizing those
•  y and also sometimes it is that building up to that like if they are having exams building up to that um to that end game like so there might be that the teacher or whatever like they might do a those mock exams or something in that actual space
•  for so so it helps that tolerance level kind of um strengthen or widen in those times of the stress. You can't be just like this all the time and have because that's not you know you got to be up and down but that's not constantly up with your going off and
•  yeah and that's true I call it dancing in the shadows especially you know I do it a lot of when we're we're climbing trees and stuff like you'll see the kids will get to that point where they're they're terrified like it's just like they've stopped and it's and and then you know instead of going okay come down it's like okay take one more step or you know one more inch and and you there. How are you feeling? You know, where do you where do you feel it? How does it feel? Has it got a color? But then then you bring them back to that safe space and then you know it's like, hey, see you you did it. Well done. You survived. And then next week or next session you can go that little bit further and further. So um
•  yeah know I love what you you're saying.
•  A lot of patience.
•  Yeah. And there are days where I flip my lid and I'll just be like I can't deal. And the best thing is like we're human. And we will have those time like you can try as much as you want to keep your calm all the time. That sort of sometimes has a disservice as well cuz there are times where you have to flip you do flip your lid but the best thing is to come back and reestablish that relationship again and repair it.
•  There are times where and that's modeling it. And so there's been times where I have been a bit growly
•  or a bit less patient but then I've come back and repaired that relationship with him. Um, and then he's learning that even if you do have mistakes, there's an the repair is so much more important than
•  sometimes whatever else is happening because you've got they've got to know that you can come back to that space again
•  and that we are human and we do make mistakes.
•  Sometimes if I do something in my sessions or say something that upsets them, I will pick up and and it's like, hey, I'm sorry like I did I didn't mean and then it's you can see that sort of like, ah, yeah, that's okay. and and then we're good. Yeah.
•  When I know Elijah has he's has many flipping lids lid moments, but then he'll and then I know not to go aggravate him or go near him cuz he'll we've leared about that stuff. He's told me if I run away, he's not running away forever. He's just gone to his spot. Don't chase him.
•  Yeah. Yeah.
•  Because actually that's just him needing to go process and then he comes back and repairs that and goes, "Oh, mom, sorry for,
•  you know, yelling or calling you something." And I'm like, "That's okay, mate." Like that. But that's
•  that's part of that that journey. That that sounds awesome. I love I love hearing that. And I also love what you said about regulating yourself and and I sort of from outside looking in. I don't have children myself, but I see how the parents are,
•  you know, worn out and run down, not not looking after themselves, you know. And I'm I'm like, how do we how do we help? How do we help? Yes, we're supporting your children, but
•  my big thing is like how do we support a parent, you know, and and whether that's you a little bit extra time off, I think I think that's something that maybe I don't know the indis needs to consider of sort of allowing that that parental carers sort of downtime,
•  parental responsibility. Like that's where Elijah like cuz Elijah's comorbid things and all severe or like intense, so he's never had a support worker. And then like as they get older, I think they can get well, it just depends on what type of disabilities they have or something. But
•  I was sometimes like I just need that time away. So he would go to daycare 4 days so I could have a bit of a break because it was just a lot of that was it was quite intense all the time. As soon as he's up it's just like go go go. There's no And that's the challenge is like oh and
•  having to get through that mourning that or grieving that and like staying in our own lane not going oh well he should be like I wish he was like this. No, this is the child I've got and I love him and like it's doing more harm to go I want him to be like this or you know but there are you know everyone's going to have those people have those thoughts but it's also knowing
•  but we are yeah parental exhaustion and they they just go oh that's all parental responsibilities and like well no it's actually survival to you know cuz sometimes we are not yeah cuz we're exhausted sometimes it's just like 15 minutes with a with a friend to have a coffee is priceless But if you but you don't get that sometimes.
•  That's right. Oh, it's parents responsibility, but it almost needs to be sort of, you know, yes, I understand all kids can be challenging, but when you, you know,
•  an extra extra layer, you know, of demand, I can't see anything like that happening. But
•  yeah, depends on the parents as well. Like I'm soul parent and I got support like I don't and I don't know any different. So I don't know when to tap out and go, oh, the other parent comes in and helps out or I've got that. But I in fact but you know um when I do get help I'm so grateful for it but also just like oh okay now what do I do like yeah I got time what I'm like oh I do all the things I'm now I'm tired and like yeah do you have a good network of friends that you can rely on
•  yeah we have and then I do tap into the after school care program that the school offers which has been fantastic and my brother we live with my brother at the moment so um that's been really good too had that bit of connection So it's not always on me even though he's had time off with him as well and they've gone off and done activities and
•  things like that. But it means even just having that conversation isn't always with me all day every day. There's sometimes there's a buffer. If if you could offer any advice to to parents or carers either starting their journey or midway through, what what do you think you would would say to them? Having sort of reaching out to people that have also got kids like your kids,
•  you only know you only know what you know. And a lot of time I I spend a lot of time in um being embarrassed or shamed to like even reach out to people. you're just in this zone of like survival once you find your like your tribe or that that helps. I think that helps just to kind of go Yeah, I get it.
•  It just feels you can kind of relax a little bit and not have to constantly apologize for your children's outward behavior sometimes. Not that you have to, but just that definitely people that may have have been on that journey and also ones that on the journey at the same age,
•  but also people that are ahead of you in the journey, too. So there's some kind of guiding post or some light or you know like some mentors that have got older maybe their children are in their 20s 30s or whatever but they they can give you some really good advice as well.
•  Yeah. Yeah. No that's good.
•  And then you can be that person that advising the ones behind like younger than you.
•  Yeah. Now let's go.