Welcome to Postpartum Better, the go-to podcast for expecting a new mom's navigating life after birth. Hi, I'm Chelsea Barbine, wife, mama, yogi, postpartum health coach, and your new mama friend. Together, we're covering topics like postpartum recovery, maintaining your mental and physical health, finding your identity as a new mom, and rekindling your relationships. Get ready for expert tips actionable advice and heartfelt conversations with other moms who just get it. The health and happiness of the world resides in us mamas. It's time to postpartum better.

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Have you ever found yourself having one of those kind of days?

Like, how do I wanna put this without sounding dramatic? No, fuck it. Like the kind where your body hasn't felt like your own for hours, maybe even days, it seems the only way to keep your little one content is to hold them 24 seven. Perhaps you're nursing constantly or...

Honestly, your toddler is literally hanging on your leg like a fucking koala bear, demanding that you pick them up. Meanwhile, just earlier in the week, it was like, God forbid, your head was resting on theirs during a bedtime story. Can you tell that this is fresh? It's real fresh, you guys. Honestly, sometimes it's just days where you feel like you've been wiping sticky hands and changing diapers or making numerous trips to the potty.

Honestly, the moment you woke up and like opened your eyes, and I, you know, like, we know we love them, right? It's, it's as if like a piece of our heart is just walking the earth every single day, like literally outside of us. Yet somehow, even with this immense, unconditional love,

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There are days where every touch or demand feels like it is just eating away at the last bit of energy that you're holding onto. You can't even remember the last time that you took a shower in peace without someone knocking on the door asking for you. And let me just pay in mine, like bless our husbands, but they can be notorious for this as well. And then come bedtime.

Right? A time in which once was like guaranteed solitude and relaxation after a long fucking day. Instead of melting on the couch like you used to and like putting on your favorite show or grabbing a book and maybe a glass of wine, you find yourself like either flinching at the touch or like the side preferral of your partner reaching out. You know, like done, done.

Or you feel an immense wave of just sheer frustration, defeat, and then guilt when your little one calls out through the monitor for one more song or story.

And you feel awful because it's not like you don't want to be there for them. You're just done. You're so exhausted after the day or days back to back. And it's like the thought of just one more person needing one more thing from you actually has you wondering if you're shutting down. You feel like you're shutting down.

chelsea barbine (04:02.806)
If you're listening to this and you're like nodding along or laughing so you don't cry or you're literally biting your lip holding back a tear, I want you to know that you're so not alone.

Like this.

Mama, this right here is what being touched out feels like. And unfortunately, it's something so many of us go through as moms, even though we rarely talk about it. It's like, you know, it's like the moment where our bodies and our minds actually hit their limit physically, mentally, emotionally, and even the most loving

well-intended gesture or like tender touch feels like it's too much. Whether it's from hours of breastfeeding or carrying your baby or in my case, feeling like a human fucking jungle gym for my toddler while pregnant, it happens to the best of us. And personally,

This is something that I'm noticing occurring more frequently since I've started to feel movement from this pregnancy, like my second, in the womb, which...

chelsea barbine (05:36.29)
You guys, I can't lie. I feel awful, awful, awful admitting that. Here I am, blessed beyond belief to experience the miracle of creating life, not once, but twice. And yet I'm finding myself overwhelmed by it at times. No joke, and I'm sure others can relate. I know I'm not alone.

Sometimes from the moment I wake up, if not in the middle of the night, I'm reminded that my body isn't currently my own. And that's not just in regards to the realities of caring for Frankie or connecting with Colin or honestly, dear God, just supporting others and honoring all of the other roles and the hats that I wear, but like truthfully in this season of growing life inside of me.

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And it's an experience that I'm so deeply appreciative for. Like, my God, I'm like, I can literally feel the baby moving right now as I'm recording this. I wouldn't change it for the world.

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But and I am noticing this time around that.

This overload is something I'm finding myself pressed to and sometimes even past my limits when I'm not proactive about setting boundaries for myself.

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And don't get me wrong, this is certainly something that all moms experience, even those navigating, you know, young childhood with their first. But I can't help but wonder if this is truly one of the greenest differences from expecting your first to like a secondary, like your second, third, fourth, et cetera. You know, like this, just like this increased likelihood of

the overwhelming feeling of like every touch feeling like it's too much. Like this feeling, this noticing of being touched out. You know, this realization when we've reached our physical and emotional limit from all of the constant contact, literally leaving us feeling drained. I mean, gosh, as moms, we spend so much of our days.

giving, giving, giving, whether it's holding, feeding, or soothing our little ones and that constant physical connection, like guys, point blank, it can start to feel like a burden, even though we love them so much. But here's the thing.

There is something so important that I need you to hear and know that like after my day, I'm literally reminding myself the same thing. If you're feeling touched out, it doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your children or your partner, shit, even your dog. Like Mac is literally vying for my attention right now as I'm trying to record this.

It's a completely natural response to the nonstop physical demands that come with motherhood. So many of us experience this. We just rarely talk about it. And I cannot but believe that it truly stems from perhaps the embarrassment and the guilt that comes alongside of admitting it.

chelsea barbine (09:22.254)
So if you too are feeling guilty or overwhelmed and you're wondering if you are the only one or you're wondering why you're craving this personal space, no matter what your family dynamic looks like, by the way, like no matter what your other responsibilities are that you hold, I'm telling you point blank, you are not alone. Like literally, hi, it's me today.

You and I have every right to feel what we're feeling.

And what we're going through is it's completely normal. In fact, when I started noticing this heightened sensation, me being me, Guy Shocker, was really curious to understand why is this happening right now? Did I honestly just, did it happen before I was pregnant and I just didn't really realize it? I wasn't as in tune with my body as I am.

and I feel right now you know being pregnant like I'm very in tune yes but like it's a it's a different level when I'm when I'm pregnant I don't know about you but really interesting I found that there are some very real biological reasons behind this like behind why moms are feeling so touched out you see

In the postpartum period, our bodies are going through hormonal shifts. We've talked about this. We all know that, right? I even cover it a little bit in a previous episode. It's something like, God, what is it called? I was responding to the Rihanna, not article. She was at an event for one of her new product launches or something. It's the episode itself. It's bleeding, hair loss.

chelsea barbine (11:21.804)
And maybe it's like other surprising physical changes. But it's all about postpartum changes, things that we don't really anticipate. Anyways, one of the hormonal shifts, at least the most noticeable, is oxytocin, which for those who don't know, oxytocin is also known as the love hormone. And ironically, this is like kind of, I'm just going to share this, it's related but kind of not. Oxytocin.

is, or I should say, pitocin is an augmented form of oxytocin, right? It's what we can use to help induce labor.

And one of the ways in which this part is like it makes sense, like it's relative, you know what I mean? One way in which we can increase or like surge in oxytocin more naturally is with a practice such as like breastfeeding or nipple stimulation, pumping, et cetera. So they share, and this was, if you listen to my birth story with Frankie, this is like my one thing I'm taking into baby number two birth.

I'm packing my own freaking pump.

It is believed that you can help to induce labor, again, more naturally by increasing your oxytocin level through the practice of stimulating the breast or interacting with your spouse, things like that. Anyways, oxytocin isn't just supportive in birth, but it truthfully is helpful in strengthening our bodies and our connection with our babies.

chelsea barbine (13:08.32)
after birth, like postpartum, especially through breastfeeding. As I mentioned, during labor, the same thing, through breastfeeding, there's an increase in oxytocin as well, postpartum, which is beautiful, right? mean, skin to skin, that's another practice. But the flip side to the increase in oxytocin, like this bonding, this connection with our little ones,

is that the surgeon oxytocin also makes us extra sensitive to physical touch. I mean, honestly, guys, if you're thinking about being intimate, right? It's the same concept. But when that touch doesn't stop, it can start to feel extremely overwhelming. Speaking of overwhelming, there's also a sensory overload, which...

Motherhood is all about meeting constant needs, right? Like whether you're holding your newborn, you're nursing, you're just managing the everyday chaos with your toddler, like that physical closeness with your little one on top of the endless demands for our attention, sound, energy, it creates a sensory overload. And it's like our nervous systems, which is something I've been like super fascinated about lately.

our nervous systems find themselves like they're struck, they're struck, they're stuck, there we go Chelsea, and overdrive. And we start craving space, like that separation just to recover, just to like find a balance. Now, don't get me wrong, like as I'm saying this, like I don't want people to get confused. Like there is an importance to having some level of stress, right? Like, and also to expect us to like always be zen is like,

happening. That's not realistic. That fight or flight response, there is a piece of it that is needed for function. We need some levels of stress to get up and function throughout the day, to get moving, have the motivation and ambition, et cetera. But it's not a place in which we want to be in 24-7. There's such an importance in honoring the ebb and flow. something that I

chelsea barbine (15:33.24)
found to be super fascinating when I was looking into this concept of being touched down, like why it happens. It's not just because of the physical touch. It's also about the mental load that we carry as moms. mean, think about it. Your mind is constantly running through everything that needs to be done for your children, your family, your home, your work. my god, even when you're quote unquote, resting, like your brain isn't resting.

It's not just your body that gets exhausted. It's your mind too. It's so funny, the timeliness. It's just so divine, you guys. I literally was just joking about this with my sister this past weekend. And I asked her, I was like, yo, Val, if you had to guess, as a mom, pretend that your brain is a web browser. How many tabs open do you think you have? Literally me today.

literally me today on top of all the things. And again, like it wasn't just the physical demands, which is super interesting. you know, I've shared like, I didn't really notice this, this feeling at least of like great significance pre-pregnancy with my second. And that kind of like made me wonder like, so did I...

Was I not touched out or did I just not really realize it because it wasn't the physical side of, again, feeling the movement in the womb on top of all the other things happening? And I think that it's kind of interesting to think about too in here, especially if you're in more of that go, go, go mentality. So there are a few signs that you can look out for. And similarly to acknowledging that the causes of feeling touched out are multidimensional.

there are physical, emotional, and mental signs as well. So we kind of talked about the physical side, but honestly, in a nutshell, it's just you feel totally drained, right? Maybe your muscles are tense or you have this sensation. this one. I'm like saying it. I can kind of feel it happening to me. This one always gets me, and this is what I typically feel like at the end of the day or post.

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post non-nap time when I'm like really, really feeling it creep in. It's like your skin is crawling. Like you may even flinch or kind of pull away when someone reaches out to touch you, even if it's your partner and you haven't really like connected, you know, or like spent quality time with them. It's just, it's your body's physical response to saying enough, like hold on.

Like, wait, wait, wait, I just, need a little bit of space. You've got to give mama a minute. You've got to give me a minute. But I think what's even more fascinating are the emotional and mental signs. Emotionally, this is usually, this is my go-to. I feel like the skin crawling in the physical is the next level when it's on real bad. But emotionally, you start to feel just irritable and frustrated.

even a little resentful, which I will confide resentful towards my children, my spouse, sometimes old colleagues, whomever, which don't even get me started on the mom guilt that comes with that. again, it's the end of that day that I painted for us earlier. I love Frankie, and I love Colin. But again, sometimes it's like,

Why does it always have to be me jumping in? Why does she always want me? Or so-and-so needs just one more thing for me. Can it come from someone else? Even if it's just a hug, pending the day you've had, it can literally send you into frustration mode. And mentally, my god, that feeling of just being completely overwhelmed. It's a level of overwhelm where you can't even focus on anything other than just

carving out the break from the constant demands. It's mentally hard for you to stay present or engage in anything meaningful when you're just so like in dire need of the alone time. And yesterday, guys, I hit a point in the evening, I was so checked out. And again, I'm not saying this to like make myself feel better.

chelsea barbine (20:23.896)
But I need you to hear that if you're in this with me, if you're feeling this too, there's nothing wrong with you. In fact, this is something I hear from moms all the time. My girlfriend's at play dates, I see it in the mom Facebook groups, I coach other moms on it during the Cultivate crew. Our weekly mama meetups and in the Voxer chat.

It's such a common experience. And I think what comes down to the reason, the rationale is like why we don't talk about it is because of the guilt or like really digging it even deeper, this preconceived expectation that like we always want to be connected to our children or our loved ones, you know, our spouses. Now, like, don't get me wrong. Like I'm saying this and I'm like, OK, hold on, take a couple of steps back. I do believe that

a sense of belonging and a sense of connection and support, like, yes, that is a fundamental human requirement, right? In fact, seeking connection, lining it up ahead of time, you know, like that sense of support, especially in the early transition, postpartum. It's like a common thread, you guys. Support is a non-negotiable in the core care cultivate methodology. I'm not minimizing any of this.

But I want to just emphasize that it's so extremely important and we also need to have boundaries with it. So if we're feeling touched out, right? And like, it's okay to feel this way, but, we need to do something about it. Like, what do we actually do? How do we move forward? How do we, I hate this word, but quote unquote fix it.

Well, the first step, guys, it's going to seem so simple and yet so immensely powerful. I was actually just talking with a mama friend about this, like just in general earlier today. And the first step is simply just acknowledging, just acknowledge and be aware that like this is how you're feeling.

chelsea barbine (22:51.574)
And start by recognizing that, again, it's OK to feel this way. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your family. It's just your body and your mind basically telling you that you've reached your limit. And that's totally OK. I wholeheartedly believe that there's 24 hours in a day for a reason. That daily reset, right? The sun goes up, the sun goes down. And not to like...

You know dehumanize us but like we're batteries. We need to recharge and by not acknowledging that by not honoring that we're just doing more harm than good. Actually something that could be like. Tangible and this is something that I do. I'm going to offer you will call it like a mind body check in that might help with us so.

This is something that like I would encourage you to do throughout your day, especially when things start to feel overwhelming, but kind of practice on like the stakes are low. You know, this is how I coach the moms in the group. It's like, start small. Don't go for like the big dog right away, you know? And when I'm like presenting this exercise, I just like, guys, I know it feels like we don't have time to do anything. Okay. I'm a mom too. I get it. I got a very full plate. Just humor me.

Take a moment, okay? And randomly throughout the day, just find yourself, whether you're like doing the dishes, maybe you're nursing, maybe you're folding laundry, maybe you're driving to a doctor's appointment, you're doing school drop-off, yoga class, maybe you're grabbing some water in between meetings, wherever you are, wherever it fits into your schedule, just do a quick check-in and ask yourself, how does my body feel right now?

Am I feeling tense? Are my shoulders tight? Is my breathing shallow? And then thinking about it from that more emotional mental side, like am I feeling irritable for no reason? Just simple questions, right? Am I doing this? You can start to notice when the overwhelm may be creeping in. And perhaps, how do I want to say this?

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the warning or this flag, this, I don't know, like a touch tolerance, right? It's getting lower. So before you hit that wall, you can actually take a couple of steps to like create some space for yourself. Again, like keep it simple. You don't have much time in the day. It's exercise, it's not, you literally just heard me rattle off questions. You can use the same ones day in and day out if that's easier for you.

It's not meant to be complicated. It's not meant to take long. It's it's truthfully just a quick pause a few times a day. Try it for a week and just see what if anything kind of comes up for you. For those who are like, Chelsea, I already do that. Hi, we're friends. Same. What I have been doing, again, since I've been noticing this coming up for myself,

I have been, I'll say taking it a step further by being, I don't want to say like, I guess proactive. Where like I'm starting to track my patterns. Sometimes what I have found at least, sometimes feeling touched out happens at the same time each day or after a specific activity. For me, shocker.

It's on the days when I am like full blown in it with Frankie. And I say this where like I go into it with a set of expectations that we have a full morning during nap time, I'm gonna do this with my break. And then this is what we have coming in the afternoon. And after giving, giving, giving, giving, giving all morning, if I go to put her down for a nap,

and she's like protesting, all bets are off. again, it goes into like, that's my like, my more, which it was like more of the a mental, right? The more a mental. I'm like, combining the two, I like can't really decide which one it is. It's truthfully, it's the emotional, mental, emotional, like response of just feeling like irritated. Like, I just did everything this morning. Mommy just needs a break. Like, I can't have a break.

chelsea barbine (27:43.51)
Again, I think it is just, it's something I've noticed way more heightened when I'm feeling pulled in a thousand different directions, right? I'm feeling the baby move inside of me. I've got all these other things I'm like aiming to do. I don't have enough time for myself, but maybe for you, it's later in the afternoon, like after you've been with your baby all day, like now you're just trying to cook dinner or.

Maybe it's a rough night of sleep when you're already running on empty, you start to notice these feelings coming up for you. Whatever it is, once you start to see the patterns, I truly believe that you can be more intentional about creating space for yourself before you get to that point. And I will tell you, personally speaking, I already have a plan in place to not.

not allow that to happen again. I'm not going to put myself in that position. And when I say that, I mean throughout the day with her. But for you, maybe it means asking your partner to step in for an hour in the evening or doing something that feels nurturing for you on the weekend. Just whatever it is, know that it's going to ebb and flow with where you're at in your season of life, where your child is at in their season of life.

I shared in the Pregnancy Diary series that the first trimester was really rough on me. Like there, I want to say like probably like eight or nine weeks, I had a point where either right before dinner or like during dinner, I would hit a wall and I would be like, dear God, I need to lay down. Like I need to be horizontal or I don't know what's going to happen. Like I'm going to vomit, I'm going poop. Like I don't even know. I just feel so sick. And as uncomfortable and as guilty as I felt in the moment,

I needed to lean more on Colin in the evening, even if it was like for 30 to 60 minutes of him taking Frankie outside so I could like truthfully lay on the couch and have peace and quiet, not think about anyone outside, like besides myself, like outside of me, right? And besides feeling better, it made all the difference. I've also found, you know, that taking a morning yoga class on the weekend, helps me to reset. just carving out.

chelsea barbine (30:04.532)
Anything that is really supportive for you in refilling your cup, re-upping your battery. It might take a little bit of time to find practices that support you, but have fun with it. Remain curious and ultimately land on something that I will say is going to be supportive for you, but then also your family. It's not going to just add more guilt to the mix.

And all in all, you guys, just, again, there's nothing wrong with needing space. None of us are alone in this. And it's not even just a mom thing. Again, we're designed to, yes, connection and times of solitude. So I'm going to leave you with that little challenge for next week. Practice the mind-body check-in every day. Yes, every day. You can jot it in your notes app. You can write it down on sticky notes around your house, whatever.

And start keeping track of when you feel touched out. If you notice it happening, first of all, grace, mama, grace, grace, grace. Just pause, take a deep breath, remind yourself that it's okay to ask for the space that you need. There's nothing wrong with you. And for those of us who are home with our little ones and it's just us throughout the week, not that you need it, but full permission to take the space.

Even if that includes putting your little one in their crib and just walking away with the monitor off for a few deep breaths, that is a very safe space for them to be in. And ultimately, when you are of right sound of mind, that's the even safest place for them to be. Gosh, I've said it so many, many, times, but truthfully, learning

Learning how to best care for myself was the greatest gift that I could give my family. Like beyond any basset net, beyond any like Montessori toy or weekend away golfing. Like I joke, but like it's so true. And you and your family are so deserving.

chelsea barbine (32:29.142)
of that feeling too. Just don't forget that.

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Thank you for joining me for this episode of Postpartum Better. If you're inspired by this conversation to help yourself or another mom navigate life after birth, take a minute to leave me a review on Apple Podcast, and then share this episode with someone who could use the virtual hug. The health and happiness of the world resides in us mamas, and I'm so proud to be doing Postpartum Better with you. Until next week, with care, Chelsea.