Catch You If You Fall (book one of the Rise Up Trilogy) Ep. 9

Maryam comes to rescue as Hashim lies in ruins, finding the right words to help him to open a door to a brave new world. 

Please go to henrikwilenius.com for more info. 

Transcript

Struggles of a Gay Muslim

Speaker 1 0:05

While the words ricocheted in the grand dome , hashim kept his head low and said a silent prayer asking for mercy , like he had done thousands of times since realizing he was gay .

Speaker 2 0:20

My name is Henrik Vilengis and I am the author of the Rise Up Trilogy , a young adult coming of age story about Hashim , Alex and Marian confronting real life issues like climate change , corrupt politics , animal cruelty and racial and gender equity . This sweetly serialized audiobook podcast is narrated by Scott Summers 11 .

Speaker 1 0:45

Hashim curled into a ball and wept silently . His thoughts were blank as he tried to remember a verse he could cling to . He felt like he was slipping into an abyss , his mind numb and powerless to fight back . He was in such distress that he didn't even hear the rooftop door opening and Miriam calling out for him . Only when she touched his cheek did she become aware of the world beyond his agony Bending over him .

Speaker 1 1:12

Miriam asked Are you okay ? A light wind from the lake brought cooler air to the roof . Hashim swallowed and swallowed as he looked up and pursed his lips trying to say something , but the words got stuck in his throat , causing another wave of tears . Wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans , he shivered as if the temperature had dropped significantly . Anyway , it was still warm enough for Miriam . In her thin oriental pants and matching blouse , she sat down and leaned over to hug him . After a while , the quivering stopped and the crying turned to an occasional sniff . Miriam straightened her back , took a tissue from the sleeve of her blouse and wiped his face , which was moist from a mixture of snot and tears , clearing his throat .

Speaker 1 2:03

Hashim said it just happened , i… . He turned his head away and gagged and gagged until he couldn't hold it back anymore . His birthday dinner spilled onto the ground as Miriam held him from behind On the couch . Hashim curled up in a ball and said I kissed him . He shot a sideways glance at Miriam with his still bloodshot eyes . Even after brushing his teeth and washing his face , he could still feel the pungent smell of vomit in his nose , although he had to admit that the act itself had done some good too . It had cleared his head . You don't seem surprised . Miriam shook her head . I didn't mean to . Hashim buried his face in his hands . He'll never forgive me . He had tried to make his escape after cleaning up the spot where he had puked , but Miriam wouldn't have any of it . Before they had a little talk .

Speaker 1 3:05

A talk he had wanted to avoid at all costs , as it brought back the shame that threatened to devour him . In all honesty , there had been times that he had fantasized about kissing Alex , but by the same token , he had always known it would never work . Nothing good would ever come out of it , because his best friend was straight , and an attempt to do it anyway would be a game changer that could very well destroy their friendship . Just give him time , he'll come around . Miriam dragged himself up to a sitting position . I don't have time . I'm leaving in ten days and tomorrow I'm getting engaged . He said , rocking back and forth . Don't give up yet . Not on him , not on yourself . Hesheen pushed himself up and shrugged . The words coming out of Merriam's mouth didn't offer any comfort as he took a step toward the door . Merriam caught his hand Don't go yet , just give me two more minutes . Hesheen turned and exhaled loudly . The firm look on her face finally did its magic and he sat back down , not letting go of his hand . Merriam said you know , you are what Allah made you . He knows your areas of weakness , even the darkness you cannot see . And right now he's testing you .

Speaker 1 4:33

And what happened to the people of Lot , said Hesheen , he slaughtered them all for their sins . No more Sodom and Gomorrah . Those people were rapists and highway robbers . They broke the key code of conduct of our faith hospitality . Merriam pressed her lips together . How can I be Muslim and gay ? There is no such a thing and I cannot turn my back on my faith . I would rather die than . The prophet never punished anybody for homosexual acts . Merriam cut in . Actually , he had a male servant attending to his wife who was known for not being attracted to women . Everybody knew this . Do you think he would have allowed this man into his household if he hated gays ?

Speaker 1 5:24

Hesheen bit his lower lip and ran his fingers through his hair . He was stunned by Merriam's audacity in making her own interpretation of the old texts . That was not the way he was used to , especially from a woman . In fact , this kind of talk was what he had been warned against . Of course , hesheen knew quite a few families that had stopped coming to the mosque when the new Imam took over . Instead , they opted to pray in private homes or , on some Fridays , in a Christian church in the western suburbs , which was considered blasphemous by many of the mosque .

Speaker 1 5:59

O my servants who have transgressed against their souls . Merriam recited from memory as Hesheen jerked his head back , his mouth falling open Do not despair of the mercy of God , for God forgives all sins , for he is oft forgiving , most merciful . Holding his breath , hesheen leaned closer to Merriam before his face went soft and he gave a long exhale . I never thought you would take up hurling verses , merriam smirked . Don't tell anybody , it would ruin my reputation . With a writhe smile , hesheen shook his head . Then his body stiffened . He couldn't share the smile anymore as he remembered his predicament .

Speaker 1 6:47

Despite Merriam's powerful words , the people in his community still believed being gay was a sin . He was lower than the animal , as the Imam had said . That morning . Merriam reached for Hesheen's arm . Everything's going to be all right . But if it isn't , he rubbed the back of his neck . I don't wanna be alone again . He won't , merriam said and stroked his forearm . Hesheen leaned back . You don't know what it's like . Nobody sees you , hears you or talks to you , as if you're not even there . It's worse than death .

Speaker 1 7:31

His last two years in junior high had been the worst . Even his Muslim brothers had stopped greeting him in the hallways , not wanting to be associated with Osama , as he had been mockingly called by the time he started the high school , the bullies had found new targets , but the stigma had stayed . Hesheen was still considered a weirdo for his refusal to curse , to dress like the other boys and to compromise the central principles of his faith , such as regular prayers and fasting during Ramadan . You have so many friends , merriam said . No , they're all through , alex , every single one of them . I was this invisible , fat little Arab boy who- ? Hashim sniffed . He changed me , dragged me to the gym and introduced me to people .

Speaker 1 8:27

Miriam squeezed Hashim's shoulder . Sorry , I didn't know . Her family had moved from the East Coast two years earlier and she really didn't know what had happened . Before her time . Nobody wanted to talk about it , least of all those who used to give Hashim a hard time . Now that he had been the best friend of one of the popular boys in school , the past was easily forgotten , except by Hashim . The memory of those hard times had stayed imprinted in his heart .

Speaker 1 8:59

Shaking his head , hashim winced and my family will never accept me as a gay person . God is testing them too . Miriam said in a steady , lower pitched voice . He is testing how much they love you . They have to accept you as the person you are , not the person they want you to be . Hashim , swallowed hard . How do you know that , as a Muslim woman , I'm going through the same struggle ? Actually , we all do , every single human being . It doesn't matter what faith , gender , race or sexuality . It's a journey toward God , or , as some call it , self-realization . Unfortunately , many people are too afraid to face their demons , so they'd rather bury them and blame others for their misfortunes . These people are the one who raised the bullies and the racists of this world . Hashim's eyes lit up . I searched for God and found only myself . I searched for myself and found only God . Miriam gasped and broke into a smile . That's Rumi . I didn't know . You read him . He's one of my favorites . My dad gave me a book of his for my birthday . Miriam tilted her head to the side .

Speaker 1 10:25

Your dad Hm now that I think about it . I'm not surprised . The few times I've met him , he always struck me as a kind and reasonable man . It must be your mom who's the revivalist one . Hashim nodded and gave her a bleak smile . Hashim looked up at their apartment on the 10th floor . His parents' bedroom windows flickered with a bluish light . His mother was probably getting her daily dose of Egyptian soaps .

Speaker 1 10:55

Her native country was the main provider of historical , epic love stories in the Arab world . When he was younger he had sometimes watched them with her , but stopped as they stirred up too many unwanted longings . He found himself more attracted to the handsome heroes than to the fair ladies .

Leap of Faith, Unexpected Encounters

Speaker 1 11:14

Rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans , hashim marched to the entrance . Before entering he took a deep breath and mumbled a short prayer . As he walked to the elevator he was surprised about how calm he felt . Talking to Miriam had done wonders . It had given him the courage to do what he was about to do . He had to take a leap of faith because there was no turning back .

Speaker 1 11:38

In the elevator he checked himself in the mirror . Miriam had found some vizine in Alex's bathroom to clear the red from his eyes and some listerine to rinse his mouth . He tussled his hair and smiled Soon . His body stiffened as the elevator passed the 10th floor . If his parents saw him now it would ruin his plans . He knew Dad would be in the study Late in the evening reading , as always . There was a very little chance of bumping into them at this time of night outside their apartment . Right before the door opened on the 15th floor , a thought occurred to him . Were the Sufi books the secret his father held behind the locked doors of his bookshelf ? Was that the reason Dad always retreated to the study before going to sleep ? When he thought about it , he couldn't remember his father ever voicing conservative views on Islam like his mother did , and he never talked about the sermons like everybody else did .

Speaker 1 12:37

When the elevator door started to close , hashim bolted out . The idea that his father was encouraging him to find his own path put a spring in his step as he walked to Noelle's door . He rang the bell and listened . It was totally quiet in the corridor . The building had superb insulation . The only thing he could hear was his own heart beating , and it was getting louder every second . Just as he was drying his sweaty palms on his jeans for the uptenth time , the door flung open Woof , justin said and pulled him in .

Speaker 1 13:14

Hushime was surprised that it was Justin who opened the door , not Noelle , and it kind of dampened his spirits . But then he reminded himself that Justin was Noelle's best friend . Of course Justin could receive guests too . His mouth fell open as he saw a large and splashy contemporary painting hanging next to a dark hardwood wardrobe , implying a level of sophistication he had only seen in movies .

Speaker 1 13:39

Sniffing the air , hushime realized he couldn't detect any smell in the apartment , which he found very unusual For him . It felt a little bit sad . An apartment without the smell of food spoke of a lonely existence . Nobody was there to take care of Noelle . Justin followed Hushime's darting gaze with mild amusement forming at the corners of his mouth . Hushime pointed at his shoes . Should I take these off ? No , just your pants . Justin said dead pan .

Speaker 1 14:13

Hushime stared at Justin , his heart racing Only kidding , let me have your jacket . Justin tore the jacket off him , threw it on a chair and let him down the corridor to a spacious living room . Marvelling at the scarcity of furniture a low white couch , black easy chairs and coffee table and a transparent dining room table by the big picture windows . Hushime realized he and Noelle shared the same taste for simplicity . Hushime noted with mounting satisfaction that his room even shared the same color scheme as this black and white with dark hardwood floors . Besides the religious meaning it held for him , his enlarged photo of Kaaba taken from above pilgrims symmetrically circling the black holy stone could be viewed also as an abstract piece of art , like the painting on Noelle's wall .

Speaker 1 15:06

As Hushime stood in the middle of the room , tilting his head from side to side , he suddenly became aware of the two men giving him the once over . He needs some work , justin said . Noelle nodded . First . He needs a drink , a stiff one , don't we all ? Justin said in chaché to a bar .

Speaker 1 15:27

Bowing his head , hushime buried his hands in his pocket . That pearly smile that lighted Noelle's gorgeous face was too much for him to bear . He licked his bottom lip to make sure he wasn't drooling . Come , come , I won't bite , noelle winked as Hushime looked up . Hushime willed his legs to move . Suddenly , everything he did felt terribly awkward . As he finally lowered his bottom onto the edge of the couch , his heart was bursting out of his rib cage , taking slow , deep breaths like he did before prayers . He was able to calm down somewhat , although he was too afraid to lean back in case he somehow tumbled and ended up face down in Noelle's lap . On second thought , that didn't sound so bad . That was the party Noelle asked . Hushime shifted his weight onto his left butt cheek . He had tried to push what had happened with Alex to the back of his mind , but now it all came back to him . What an epic fell it was , are you ?

Speaker 2 16:31

all right .

Speaker 1 16:32

Noelle asked with a worried look . Looking up , hushime cleared his throat to say something . But just in arrived just in time to deliver him the drink Promptly . Hushime guzzled half of the transparent liquid . The ice cube was making a clinking sound as they hit the glass . When the alcohol hit his throat he almost choked . Noelle came to the rescue by slapping and rubbing his back while Hushime tried to catch his breath .

Speaker 1 16:58

Like a true gentleman , after he had removed the glass from Hushime's hands , noelle took a clean handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to Hushime . What was that ? Hushime asked when he was able to talk again Jenin Tonic , double , justin said .

Night Out at Gay Club Preparation

Speaker 1 17:18

Hushime ran his hand through his hair . Double , no , it means a double portion of you don't drink much , do you ? Noelle cut in . Hushime bit his lips . Actually he had never tasted hard liquor before , but he was not going to tell that to the guys . He was here for an adventure , not to talk about his religious commitment . Noelle turned to Justin Get him a wine cooler , please .

Speaker 1 17:47

Snatching the Jenin Tonic from the table , justin marched to a small fridge underneath the bar . Noelle offered an encouraging smile . It's okay , don't worry about it , noelle said , and let his hand rest on Hushime's back Now . First we've got to fix your hair in that shirt before I call the limo service For the first time . Hushime felt confident enough to look Noelle straight in the face and not be blinded by his dashing looks . Then he shrugged with a shy smile , realizing Noelle must really like him to go through all this trouble of inviting him along to a gay club .

Speaker 2 18:50

Thank you for listening to the Rise Up Trilogy podcast . For more information , go to my website henrikvillennuscom .