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Addiction Recovery
The Addiction Recovery Podcast is the ultimate destination for individuals battling addiction or supporting loved ones in their journey towards recovery. With a focus on providing informative, educational, and persuasive content, our podcast aims to engage and guide listeners towards healing and transformation.
Addiction Recovery
57: Breaking Free from Shame--How Guilt Fuels Addiction and Triggers Relapse
Shame is one of the most dangerous emotions in early recovery. It replays past mistakes, whispers that change is impossible, and often pushes people toward relapse. In this conversation, Steven T. Ginsburg explains how shame becomes “the toolbox of the enemy,” trapping people in cycles of unworthiness.
He highlights the importance of confronting our “old stat sheets”—the mental records of past failures—and introduces the 10th step as a powerful “shame buster.” By taking responsibility and making amends in real time, we prevent guilt from building up and fueling destructive patterns.
Steven emphasizes the need to separate identity from past actions, reminding listeners that “who we are is not who we were and not who we’re going to be.” Recovery isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress, whether the struggle is with substances, pornography, or other behaviors.
At Restore Detox Centers, love replaces shame as the guiding principle. “We don’t shoot our wounded,” Steven says. Instead, setbacks are met with compassion, helping clients understand what happened and find their way back to recovery. This environment allows authentic healing and helps people believe they are worthy of sobriety.
Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery: 1-800-982-5530
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Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.
It is important to note that the views and opinions expressed by the podcast hosts, guests, or contributors are their own and may not necessarily reflect the views of Restore Detox Centers. We strongly advise listeners to consult with qualified professionals, such as addiction counselors, therapists, or medical practitioners, before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this podcast. Please be aware that listening to this podcast does not establish a client-provider relationship with Restore Detox Centers.
That 10th step means we take hold of our part in things, we take ownership of where we've fallen short and we clean it up in real time.
Steve Coughran:This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in sunny California. Enjoy your experience, Steven. I know several times a week you have group up at the Restore House, and yesterday you're particularly excited about the topic shame, so I want to jump into that with you today.
Steven GInsburg:Steve, thank you so much. This was one of those moments where, yes, I had trailed behind what I had touched on yesterday at Restore and wanted you and I to to park on it. And, really, because it's such a huge factor and fragment of relapse for people like myself, because the things that we carry around, the things we have done not the things we are doing, not the things we're going to do, but the things we have done if we don't address those transgressions of the past and clear away that wreckage, just too many times it puts us into that loop where we just cannot suppress the old tapes, the old voices, the old stat sheet and we are back where we started from.
Steve Coughran:So what do you mean? Like when somebody does something bad in the past so maybe they were unfaithful in a relationship, or maybe they said something really mean or did something terrible to somebody else to hurt them. Are those the type of events you're referring to? Where? Somebody's thinking about it constantly. They feel terrible and then ultimately they're like I need a relief from this pain. Is that what you're talking about?
Steven GInsburg:You know a hundred percent, brother, and you know, when you look at the regret, when you look at the remorse, and then I think shame is the catalyst for those factors. It leads you to the worse hour, which is the relapse. And I want people you know early on and it's part of why I brought it to the house yesterday, because I've got a bunch of people in early onset sobriety that were coming alongside in community and I want them to understand like that, shame is the working toolbox and that low hanging fruit of the enemy and it just puts you in this cycle where you're like you know what is the point? I failed in such a tremendous way. I failed so many people that I've loved. I failed myself.
Steven GInsburg:People may even be carrying around the burden and the notion and it's a lie, by the way, I failed God. God can't find grace for me. These lies, the disease perpetuates itself on these lies. But there's a solution and we've got to clear away that wreckage and diffuse and defeat those old tapes and pull out of that shame cycle and head towards the solution.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, so it's interesting because I think we all feel guilt, shame, jealousy right, If you want to add jealousy in there. And I was listening to this podcast a while back and I really liked this perspective of the host. He was talking about jealousy in particular and he said jealousy is actually a really good mechanism if it's used in the right way, Because oftentimes when we're jealous of something or somebody else, it's because we see ourselves in that situation or we may see, like, dang, I want to be doing that or I should be doing that. So if we use it as fuel, thinking wow, I should be in shape, I'm jealous of this person, I know I should take better care of myself, that's why I'm jealous of them. That could be an early indicator that, hey, these are the things I need to do or clean up in my life. Now, if you use it in the opposite way, in the destructive manner, yeah, it could be terrible.
Steve Coughran:But I think I want to hear your perspective on this, Steven, with shame and guilt, because I believe these are God given signals, warning systems, as you kind of alluded to, that are innate in everybody, and when we feel guilt and when we feel shame, it's actually a good thing if we recognize these early warning signals and we say to ourselves hey, we're headed towards dangerous territory here. Right, If you touch a hot stove, you burn your hand, you know. Okay, that's not good, that burns my skin. And I think the same thing is true when we do something bad, even when it's something minor. Like I know, when I leave the house in the morning, if I'm kind of in a bad mood and grumping around the house and then I say something mean to my wife and then I walk out the door, get in my car halfway on my way to work, I'm like dang, Steve, that was, that was not a good way to respond. I start feeling that guilt.
Steve Coughran:But I think that's good If I can recognize that and then reach out and apologize and try to make amends. Do you agree with that? First of all, and do you think part of the problem is people have these feelings. They don't know how to clear them and therefore they try to suppress them or they try to ignore them and then they engage in bad behavior. What are your thoughts on all that?
Steven GInsburg:I like this aspect of it because it's almost like we're into the other side of it. So now we're into sobriety, we're in that onset of different behavior patterns and different choices and what we have is we have guardrails that's the word it triggered me to when you're describing what you're talking about.
Steven GInsburg:We have guardrails because we don't need to build up an entirely new set of transgressions. And so, on the one side, I think it's imperative that we clean it up, and there's the step work and the inventory. And the step work and the work of the 12 steps is what frees us of that wreckage of our past and relieves us of that bondage and that burden of self aware of our daily conduct. And we take a daily inventory and we look at painstakingly and honestly and rigorously, hey, like, where did I fall short? Where was there an area of opportunity, actually, something you just touched on alluding to yourself, although it's just an example, of course, you know, if there's a moment like that, there is a literal step, which is the 10th step, which is continue to take personal inventory and when we're wrong, promptly admitted it.
Steven GInsburg:Brother, since we're on the topic, I'll utilize it. That's a shame buster right there. That 10th step means we take hold of our part in things, we take ownership of where we've fallen short and we clean it up in real time. That is such a healthy preventative measure, steve. It keeps there from being buildup, it keeps there from being backup. That is an anti-relapse program in and of itself.
Steve Coughran:No, I love that. Let's talk about continuous behavior, because I'm sure that you have felt this in your life or you've experienced this as well. I know for me there are some of my favorite sins, some of my favorite misdoings, in other words. And even when I try to repent and be better and try to change my life, I still fall back into bad patterns, and I think we all do. And for some people, whether that's viewing pornography, and they're like okay, I know this is bad, I'm not going to do it again. I like okay, I know this is bad, I'm not going to do it again, I'm going to put a lock on my computer, I'm going to. You know, I'm going to take accountability for this, I'm going to write out, you know, I'm not going to look at pornography 10 times over and over and over again.
Steve Coughran:Right, they try to take steps to do it and they're like, hey, I'm good, they're on a good path. And then they fall into that trap again, or with drinking or smoking or whatever it may be. I think oftentimes we are trying to be good inherently. Then, just because of our carnal state, our human nature, we fall back into these bad patterns and then I think we beat ourselves up and we're like what's the point, what's the hope, like I'll never be sober. I'll never be, like you know. So screw it, I'm just going to lean fully into my addiction. Do you see that, steven? And like, what's been your experience with that?
Steven GInsburg:Brother, I'm so glad you brought that up and I think this is where I like the topic and I'm glad we're on it. I see it all too often, it's too common and again, those factors, those are lies and those are convenient lies of the enemy. So in a case where there's a transgression, like when someone struggles with pornography, or in a case when there's a transgression when someone struggles with an eating disorder, those things have moments, unfortunately, where they ebb and flow order. Those things have moments, unfortunately, where they ebb and flow, where the stakes are so high in recovery. That ebb and flow sets off that allergic reaction that we have to mind-altering substances, that manifestation of craving. It's triggered when we ingest that mind-altering substance. So that's where all of the daily recipe, all that whole bundle including what we're on right now, meeting makers make it having a sponsor, working the steps, doing content like this and delivering it, and then people participating in it by, on a daily basis, participating in the things that provide the remission and the reprieve. You may have mental setbacks, we may have regressions of behavior, but we don't allow the regression and the setback to take us up to that threshold where we ingest that mind-altering substance.
Steven GInsburg:That's where it's such a delicate balance and that's, by the way, where I wanted and thank you again for taking some time where we can address this and isolate this topic. You again for taking some time where we can address this and isolate this topic that shame, that old behavior, that old stat sheet that can push people to the edge of the line and over the line on relapse. And I want people to understand again and I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again right now who we are is not who we were and not who we are going to be. Who we are is not who we were and not who we're going to be. But we must allow ourselves to grow and to progress and to realize it's about progress, not perfection. But the solution will overcome that shame. It is perfectly devised to do just that. And then sobriety prospers, the solution comes and shame goes by the wayside.
Steve Coughran:Okay, so I'm going to speak to you, the listener, here for a minute, because I wish everybody could just meet Steven in person. Just yesterday somebody reached out and through the podcast which we always ask, we always say hey, reach out with your questions, tell us your story, like how can we help. And so one of our audience members reached out about our son and Stephen was so excited to connect with this mother and that's just the love that he brings right, because, you know, although he's not helping them out like physically saying hey, come to the restore house, just a simple phone call and sharing that love in that moment and just giving that support makes all the difference in the world. And you do this over and over and over again with people. And so my question is tied up in this, because I've been to the restore house multiple times and I've seen people in all different phases of entry into the home.
Steve Coughran:And when somebody first comes in, they're so broken and they're usually at rock bottom and you can see it on their face, you can see it in their countenance. They're just like shoulders slumped, they're tired, they're exhausted because living that lifestyle is just so tough, right, they feel broken, their spirit's broken. How do you help somebody to escape that shame and that guilt that could just like weigh on them like a heavy, wet blanket where you say look, it's not about perfection, it's about progress, exactly what you just said. How do you say like you are not your sins, you are not your mistakes, you're a beautiful person, you're just like in this phase and you're going to make progress? Like, how do you, how do you help somebody escape that shame cycle?
Steven GInsburg:I love this and I was so honored yesterday and I think I speak for both of us when we say we want to hear from you. I can't tell you enough, it was the highlight of my day and it was good for my sobriety. And service is better for the server than the served. Okay, that box is checked. We want to hear from you out there. We love you all. We're for you guys.
Steven GInsburg:But, Steve, I want to tell you this the enemy is at work the minute someone comes to restore and wants to hold them back and wants them out of the house and doesn't want them to start to heal. And what overcomes that is love. What overcomes that every time, all the time, is love and support and care and encouragement and empowerment and to enrich the truth and like there is purpose. There's so many people that they potentially can be helping themselves. They've just got to help themselves first and give themselves a chance and to help them get past that noise. It is noise, brother, and I've lived amidst that noise myself and that noise sometimes comes back towards me and I dismiss it with massive action and prayer. That noise is a lie and the truth is we are worthy and we are worth this journey and sobriety and there is hope and, yes, thank the Lord, it is about progress, not perfection, but we lean in. That's where it's so great.
Steven GInsburg:And again and you know I'm excited you were talking on what you're talking on I'm like, yeah, and in October, like my brother here is coming back out to restore, because I'm like, hey, man, I need you at the house, because the house is continuing to blossom and grow and I love when you're there and when we're there together and I want everyone to come out to Restore and just see it and be a part of it's where the healing occurs. It's about that love. It's about the team. The entire team is sober and works a program. The entire team is part of the solution and there's many team members who are alumni. We have been in those beds, we have been in those seats. We are living this solution and the truth is, the solution will prevail every time.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, and I love that, and especially your point on love and its healing effect on people. I was working with a young man years ago in my church, calling, so I was over the youth and he was just really struggling. And he would come to me and he's like, yeah, you know, I I ended up drinking this weekend. And I'm like, okay, well, like you know you shouldn't be doing that. But like, okay, let's move forward, see you on Sunday. And he's like, wait, what you know? Cause he's thinking I'm not, I'm not worthy enough to go to church on Sunday, like I'm going to be judged, I don't fit in, everybody's so perfect. And I'm like, great, show up. And then he would do it again. And I'm like, great, okay, yeah, like not great. Like hey, let's celebrate you drinking.
Steve Coughran:But I'm like I heard this one one saying where it's like the best smell in a chapel and a church is the smell of cigarette smoke, you know, because it's somebody who's trying and they're coming anyways, right, and I think like that whole mindset of okay, you're progressing, it's not about perfection, just take a step forward. Take a step forward, take a step forward. Stop beating yourself up. Let other people love you. Let yourself be loved like love yourself and like you always say, steven, there is a solution and a way to escape this terrible shame trap.
Steven GInsburg:Yes, I'm so glad again we're taking a little bit more time on this today, but rightfully so. Steve, when there's transgressions, when there's slips, you know we don't shoot our wounded at Restore. You didn't shoot your wounded when you're working with that young man that you're being of service to at your church, we step back together and we ask the most important question Okay, what happened? Then we download the information and we reboot and we regroup and prayerfully we charge that help and there's hope. When there isn't hope is when God forbid, when we lose someone Too many times it's death and institutions. When there isn't hope is when someone feels like I just can't do this, I can't get it, I can't find my way. That again, that's part of that shame cycle, that's part of the lie, and the only time that we will ultimately reach that apex where it's failure is if we fail to continue in the effort to get back into the solution. That's proven time and time again.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, absolutely, absolutely true, and I'm glad that we spent the time on this episode, very important episode. We want to hear from you, like what are your thoughts on this topic of shame, and also if you have other thoughts or topics that you want us to address on this podcast. We're always happy to take your suggestions. We want to be able to add the most value to our community, so please reach out. You can always email us at hello at restore detox centerscom. There are a ton of free resources on the website as well at restore detox centerscom. Be sure to check that out. Steven, always great to be with you today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Steven GInsburg:Thank you. Thank you for this imperative topic. I'm so grateful we put that out there today. Everyone have a safe and sober day. We are for you, we love you, we are here for.
