Addiction Recovery

59: Should Parents Force Kids into Rehab. Saving Lives vs. Respecting Choices

• Steven T. Ginsburg • Season 1 • Episode 59

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"We must always enable the solution. We must never enable the disease." Steven T. Ginsburg cuts to the core of addiction recovery, highlighting what it truly takes to help someone struggling with substance use.

Drawing from his own story of hitting bottom at 19, Steven shares how intervention and tough love saved his life—and why refusing help can be devastating. He warns that supporting someone actively using substances can be “loving them to death,” emphasizing the importance of boundaries like cutting off financial or housing support when necessary.

Accountability is equally critical. Steven describes the safety nets in his own life—multiple layers of checks and supports that maintain long-term sobriety. These structures are essential for anyone in recovery, no matter how long they’ve been sober.

Whether you’re navigating addiction yourself or supporting a loved one, this episode offers practical guidance on combining compassion with firm boundaries.

Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery:  1-800-982-5530

DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.

It is important to note that the views and opinions expressed by the podcast hosts, guests, or contributors are their own and may not necessarily reflect the views of Restore Detox Centers. We strongly advise listeners to consult with qualified professionals, such as addiction counselors, therapists, or medical practitioners, before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this podcast. Please be aware that listening to this podcast does not establish a client-provider relationship with Restore Detox Centers.

Steven Ginsburg:

We must always enable the solution. We must never enable the disease.

Steve Coughran:

This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T. Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in Sunny California. Enjoy your experience. Steven, the other night, my wife and I were talking, and we both have read your book, Filling the Void, which is absolutely amazing. So vulnerable. And I love your story and your journey in the book. And I don't know if it's in the book. I might have forgotten this part, but a question arose, and it was did your parents force you to go to rehab the first time you were in trouble? And that's what I want to center our conversation on today. This idea of somebody's in trouble that we love doesn't make sense to force somebody. I mean, literally, I mean, I know you can't force somebody, but I want to hear your experience and let's start back uh the first time that you and got help.

Steven Ginsburg:

Yeah, Steve, thank you for this. And I and I love that, you know, to think about you all being into that book. That book is just such a gift and a blessing in my life and something I dreamt of of having occur. And if it wasn't for my recovery and my sobriety, that filling the void would not exist. I will tell you, you know, the first time around, my gosh, I'm so old. It's fun, fun to refer to this part of my life. You know, I was 19 once, 3,000 years ago. You know, I was not I was 19, I just turned 56, and I'm so grateful for each moment. Uh and I love where we're all heading, but I'm so grateful for that gift of desperation at 19 years old. At 19 years old, I had reached a bottom, and I was I was hurting and things were upside down in my life, and I suffer from a progressive illness. It gets worse, not better. And there was a wonderful lady in my life, God rest her soul. Her name was Judy Westball. She was just a very dynamic recovery-based therapist. From the minute she had met me, she's like, Hey, look, you're an addict and an alcoholic. I was like, No, no, no, I just need therapy. I'm not an addict and an alcoholic, you know. And she's like, Okay, I mean, I'll work with you, but like you need treatment. And she was right. And I had reached my bottom. I had disconnected from her. I went back to see her. This is a long answer, but I'm gonna get to it. And I was like, I showed up at her doorstep and she opened the door, and I'll never forget the look on her face because she was mortified, and she should have been. And she called my dad and she's like, Your son needs help. And my father, you know, he's a very like remarkable, self-made, accomplished individual. He needed some time to process and just get his mind around it. And very quickly, he called her back and he's like, Hey, whatever he needs, wherever he needs to go, whatever we need to do, let's get it done. And so I had presented the willingness, I wanted to go for the help. I had been given that gift of desperation. That is not often the case. That is not often the case, but I will let anyone who's out there know if you enable the solution, not the disease, the result will follow. If you enable the disease, not the solution, you will never get an individual like myself help.

Steve Coughran:

But okay, so let's back up. I I love that you had this person in your life, super influential. She sounds like a total gem. What if you said to her, you're like, Hey, I don't have a problem. I just need therapy, right? I just need somebody to talk to. And then your dad said, Hey, you you need to go get help, Steven.

unknown:

Right.

Steve Coughran:

What if you said to your dad, you know what? Screw you. You don't know. Yeah, you don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to get help. Right. Do you think your dad would have stepped in and said, No, listen, buddy, you're gonna go get help, or you could go find another place to live? Like, how much force and pushback would your dad have had? And I know it's hard to speculate, but I just want to hear your side.

Steven Ginsburg:

It's good to speculate though, because it'll lead me to to my to a talking point that matters to me. My hope and prayer in that hypothetical situation would be that my dad would be like, Great, you're like, you won't go for help? Perfect. No more money, turn it off your cell phone. We didn't have cell phones back then, no more, no more support. You know, I don't know how you're gonna pay for school or anything else in your life, no more rent, and pull the and literally pull the proverbial plug. So if you're out there and you're listening and this applies, and you have someone who's suffering in your life and they refuse to go for help. I I am telling you, okay, get ready, everyone take a deep breath. Here comes the tough love, but it'll save lives. Put them out of the house, cut them off from what everything, let them know when they're ready, you're ready, and do not engage or indulge them in anything further. And if you default into that space, well, that's gonna kill them, they'll die. Let me tell you something. What you're doing right now, that's what's gonna kill them, that's where they'll die. We must always enable the solution. We must never enable the disease.

Steve Coughran:

Well, and we have that guide on the website at restore detoxcenters.com about enabling, you know, addiction. I think that's great if you're struggling with this with any loved one or family member. But let me ask you this because I listen, I was listening to the podcast by Mel Robbins. I I love that lady, and she was talking about money. And this is a little bit of a tangent, but I I promise it connects. She was saying with kids, okay, so maybe you have adult children and you pay for certain things. So let's just say they're 20 years old and they're still living at home, and you pay for their car and their car insurance, you give them gas money, you pay for their school, whatever it is. There's a two-way contract to that. Because if you pay for something, it means that technically you still have control of them, right? Because they're not self-sufficient. And so I love the way she explained it. She did a way better job than I could probably convey right now. But the message that I got is when somebody is living under your roof, when you're supporting them, besides like your 10-year-old kid, right? It may not necessarily apply, but uh especially an adult child, and you say, Look, I want you to do this, and if you don't do that, then the consequence is you lose this privilege. And so she was saying you should always have some type of written or unwritten contract, like I will pay for your school if you get A's and B's. You get below a B, I stop paying. And if the kid says, Well, that's not fair, that's not fair, you know. School's really hard. Say, Well, you could pay for the school yourself, and you could get C's and D's and F's. You do whatever you want, right? But the contract is I do this, and I mean, think about that in the real world. You go to work, and the employer says, If you do this, I will pay you that. That's how the world works, right? And so I think like if somebody can hear your message and maybe think, dang, that's a little harsh, Stephen. Are you talking you really want to cut my kid off if I find a bag of weed in their bedroom, or if they're you know, snorting coke off their dresser? You saying you really want me to kick them out of the house and not pay for their car insurance and like give them allowance? Like, what are they gonna do?

Steven Ginsburg:

What they're gonna do is not end up in the morgue because there's fentanyl and their cocaine. What they're gonna do is not have continuous unmanageability behind that marijuana, which is the greatest, most ferocious gateway drug there is. Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying, and I will say it till the cows come home, and I will never stop saying it. And I have had plenty of conversations with parents, and they have been tough conversations. And I have told them, you know, Steve, you know my heart and you know how much I love others, what it's like for me to get on the phone with a parent and be like, hey, you're gonna kill your child and mean it because they are gonna love them to death. If we baby them, we bury them. We cannot participate in that type of behavior. This is life and death. The stakes are so high. You enable that disease, you are loading up that gun for your kid and letting them play Russian roulette with every chamber full. This is life and death. It has to be like that. There can be no other way.

Steve Coughran:

That's well said. So I want to share a story with you. I I still remember this from like this day. I was a young kid in California, that's where I grew up. And I might have shared this on another episode, but nonetheless, here it is again. I remember I was in the car with my mom, and we picked up my sister from one of her friends' house. And she said to my sister when she got in the car, Okay, hey, how are you doing? How's your night? Da-da-da. And she starts driving, and my sister says, Where are we going? I thought we were going home. My mom said, No, we're not. And my sister starts to panic a little bit more. Where are we going? Where are you taking me? And she said, Well, I'm taking you to the hospital. And she's like, Why? Because I'm gonna test you for drugs unless you tell me every single drug that you're on right now. And my sister said, I'm not doing drugs. Yes, you are. We're going to the hospital. It's quiet. My sister kind of digs on her heels. Okay, okay. I smoke marijuana. My mom said, That's not all. You're not, that's I'm not dumb. I'm not naive here. I know you're doing more than that. And she says, That's all. And she's like, Okay, then we'll go to the hospital. We almost get to the hospital, and my sister says, Okay, okay, I've done crystal math. And which is crazy because my sister is so young, and it's like, that's that's the kind of mom that I have, like super resilient, and she loves her kids so much where she's just like, Look, this is how it's going down. Now, I'm sure there's were moments of weakness where maybe she did enable, you know, which is no fault of her own. I think we all struggle with that because we love our kids so much. But like, what's your take on that? Because I'm just thinking of kids in my family, and if I came across them like deep in it, I think to myself, what would I do? Like, would I drive to their place and be like, get in the car? You know, like obviously you can't rough them up, right? And do like physical violence, tie them up and put them in the car, but like those would be like the measures I'd want to take, especially if they were into super hard drugs that could easily kill them. But and here's the caveat I say super hard drugs, that's back in the day. Marijuana, which you may say, okay, nobody's ever overdosed over marijuana. Marijuana's not a dangerous drug. So, like, but you allude to this all the time, Steven. Yeah, marijuana can be a carrier for fentanyl, can be a deadly drug. What do you what's your thought on this story? And like, what would you do in that situation, Steven?

Steven Ginsburg:

You know, your your mom's one of those ones who's wearing a cape at that moment in my book. And I I know you pretty well, brother. You're one of my best friends and one of the people I love most. And I have no doubt you'd go to any length to protect and take care of your children and to protect them from themselves. And my thought is much the same sentiment. We go to any length to protect our children from themselves. Uh, we address this type of conduct and this behavior, this life-threatening behavior head-on. Uh, we are bold, we are courageous, uh, we are intentional, we lean in, we serve up those inconvenient truths, and we make no exceptions, and we draw that hard line and we prayerfully protect our children from themselves and go about the business of helping them save their lives and regain their foothold and find their way because there is nothing but darkness that lay ahead if we allow this behavior to continue.

Steve Coughran:

Yeah, but I agree. And I think about how much I love you, how much I love your family and your kids, and just you know, everything that you have going for you. I could tell you like if I ever found out you, you know, went down the path of relapse, I would literally fly to California. And, you know, if I had to rough you up, I would. That is a threat, Steven. Thank goodness, you know, but I I think about how much I love you. I'd be like, what are you doing? Get in the freaking car, we're going to rehab. And I think um, and I the reason why I get so passionate about that is because I think about how deeply I love you. And you know, so then I I translate that to kids or other people, and you know, it the same passion carries forward.

Steven Ginsburg:

Listen, spot on, and and I appreciate that. And you know, for the person in recovery, God has allowed me to put together a life where there are layers and layers and layers and layers of what accountability. Like one of my favorite things to walk down the bunny trail with, and there's a point to this, and I'm gonna get to it very quickly in group is I will often say to Darla, and you know, Darla, Darla leads our facility and she's alumni from Restore. I'm like, Darla, forget about I'm not talking about Ginsburg time, like groups at one, I roll in at 115 in my pajamas, and it's time for group. I'm talking like it's 145 on a day where I'm supposed to do group. I'm nowhere in sight, you haven't heard from me. I'm like, what's the first thing you're doing? She's like, Oh, call Nicole. Yeah. Now that immediately puts me in a panic attack. Uh, first of all, that wouldn't happen. If anything was going on with group, I would call Darla. But secondly, if she didn't hear from me, it would be so foreign to her, it would be so contrary, she would be so concerned that she'd immediately call my wife. Now imagine that chain reaction. Now my wife gets a call. Steven's not a group. I mean, that's like me not breathing. Right. What do you mean? Where is he? What's going on? Like it would be DEF CON 3000. Everyone in the world would be called, including you. Uh, my locations on my phone would be pinged, like I'd be texting, my parents would be calling. Like, that's the way we need to have it in our lives because that's what keeps the enemy at bay. So, to your point, it's all part of it, and you want to get yourself into this design for living where there is that level and those types of layers of accountability in your life on a daily basis.

Steve Coughran:

Yeah, I love it. It's those safeguards, and we've talked about that before in other episodes. It's the safeguards, and it doesn't matter how strong and resilient or how sober you are, whether it's one year or whether it's you know 21, it doesn't matter. Yes. I love this episode. Obviously, we're both very passionate about it because we love you and we just love that you're tuning in. We see the analytics, you're tuning in from all over the world, and and I think that's absolutely amazing. So thank you for gifting us your time. You could always reach out to us at hello at restore detoxcenters.com. We would love to hear any feedback, any show ideas, or just things you may be struggling with. If we could be of help in any way, please don't hesitate to reach out. Steven, always a pleasure, my brother.

Steven Ginsburg:

Steve, thank you for this. You know, it is it's a personal calling for us both. It's something we're both passionate and convicted about. We're we're participating with you all out there in the solution. If you have questions, if you need help, if you just want to say hello, I want to tell you something. We want to hear from you. Everyone, have a safe and sober day. We love you. We are for you.

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Steven T. Ginsburg

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Steve Coughran

Co-host