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Addiction Recovery
The Addiction Recovery Podcast is the ultimate destination for individuals battling addiction or supporting loved ones in their journey towards recovery. With a focus on providing informative, educational, and persuasive content, our podcast aims to engage and guide listeners towards healing and transformation.
Addiction Recovery
60: They Don’t Want Help—Now What. Setting Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction
What if showing up isn’t the same as wanting help? This episode dives into the gap between love and limits—why some people enter treatment in body but not in spirit, and how victim identity can block change. We break down the difference between box-checking and real willingness, and why relapse follows when accountability and humility are missing.
For families who are exhausted, boundaries aren’t punishment—they’re protection. We share clear steps to stop enabling addiction: firm ultimatums, consistent consequences, and support systems like Al-Anon that protect your sanity and raise the odds of recovery.
Resources include Steven’s memoir Filling the Void and a free e-book How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction. If you’re ready to break the cycle, this conversation points the way.
If it resonates, follow the show, share it, and leave a review so others can find real help and hope.
Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery: 1-800-982-5530
DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.
It is important to note that the views and opinions expressed by the podcast hosts, guests, or contributors are their own and may not necessarily reflect the views of Restore Detox Centers. We strongly advise listeners to consult with qualified professionals, such as addiction counselors, therapists, or medical practitioners, before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this podcast. Please be aware that listening to this podcast does not establish a client-provider relationship with Restore Detox Centers.
We don't enable the disease, we enable the solution.
Steve Coughran:This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T. Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in Sunny, California. Enjoy your experience. Steven, the other week I was running and I was listening to a podcast, and this host had a special agent on, and she was like Secret Service. She protected a lot of the presidents, and she was like past NYPD and just very experienced in that whole world. And the host was asking her questions, and it I found this very interesting. And this is the topic I want to discuss with you today. He was saying, What if somebody came to you and they said, Look, you know, I've struggled with the relationships all my life. It's from like my childhood, and fact that, you know, like I was dating this one person and it didn't work out. And I think it's because of this, and I have this little confidence stuff, and blah, blah, blah. What would you say to somebody like that? And what shocked me was the guest on the podcast said, I want to help them. And he's like, What do you mean you want to help them? And she said, Well, some people just don't want to be helped. And I thought of this topic and I was like, I got to get with Steven because I'm sure you see this all the time. Do you feel like some people out there, even if they come to you for recovery, they simply just they don't want to be helped or they're not ready to be helped? What are your thoughts on that?
Steven Ginsburg:Steve, thank you so much. It's just such a such great ground for us to cover, and I really appreciate it. And and very relevant and unfortunately, all too common. There, there's so many instances when individuals that are coming into community, and that's the way we refer to someone who we are giving a hand at restore. Individuals who are coming in community, they're there for everyone else but themselves. They're there to stay out of an element of being incarcerated. And so what they are doing is they are checking boxes, they are going through the paces, they are present physically, but they're not vesting spiritually or emotionally, and it stands out like a sore thumb, and it's something I feel, something I see, something I hear. And all I can do is continue to lean in and hope that there will be even one thing that lands, and that in some future time, way, shape, or form, it will blossom and help ultimately at some point save their life.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, and I I think I think that's so true. Let me ask you this. Do you think that some people, I mean, maybe they're not ready to be helped, but do you think some people go through life and they just never want to be helped? I mean, and the reason why I say that, and I'm not a psychologist, but I just think like dealing with people in my life or in business, like I'm in the business of changing behavior for organizations. And you know, I've worked with owners for years, but sometimes their identity is tied up in their whole narrative, right? Because they go around telling people, well, you know, you know, business is tough because of the economy, because of this, because of that. I mean, they always have a reason, right? And I don't know, I think maybe some people they get attached or they get some type of benefit or reward, I guess, to playing that victim role. Where it's like, oh, you know, like poor me, you know, things are really tough. The economy's really bad, my business is really struggling. And then people say, Well, you know, that that must be terrible. Like, what can I do for you? And they shower them with, you know, attention. And we as human beings, we like attention, and they're like, Wow, maybe subconsciously they're thinking, Wow, if I play the victim, I get attention and it feels really good. And so therefore, they just constantly look for the next problem and look for the next problem, look for the next problem. How does that relate to drug and alcohol abuse? And what have you seen through your years of working with so many people with Restore?
Steven Ginsburg:I'm really grateful that we're on that part of the path. There's often people we are working with in community where their version of woe is me and their version of the victim mentality and their version of their trauma, to them, they will have this grasp of thinking that it's insurmountable, which is a lie. Nothing is insurmountable. But further than that, they'll often have such a high degree of functionality that they're convinced other people need to change and that they don't. So they're never willing to look at their part or what they can do to effectuate a different result, and they're never willing to do footwork. And it it ends up at a dead standstill. And this also ends up being a realm, Steve. And I think this part's important. This recipe that we're on right now, this is very much the recipe of a very chronic relapsing individual. I want to just go through that one element again. These ingredients make up the foundation of someone who is in chronic relapse mode. They'll put together a little bit of time, they'll get a little bit of sobriety, they'll get they'll get cleaned up and spruce up, and they'll be sounding better and looking better and feeling somewhat better, and they go back out until they burn it all down again.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, and and I know like you and I know your heart. Like you love people, you love what you do. So I know you're not one to ever give up on somebody where you're like, yeah, I can't help you. And neither, you neither am I. You know, I have this bullish attitude towards people. I'm a big believer in people, so I constantly give people a lot of second chances and third chances and fourth chances. I don't know, I just believe in the human spirit, but I think there's sometimes, honestly, Stephen, where I'm like, I don't know if I can help this person because they don't want to be helped. They're not in a position to be helped, and it could be such an energy suck. So talk to the mother, talk to the father, talk to the brother, talk to the wife, talk to the husband right now who's listening to this, and they are just beating their heads against the wall because the person they're with, the person they love, the person in their life that means the most to them is just repeating this over and over and over again.
Steven Ginsburg:So, this is such a big element where, you know, and not to get sidebarred on a whole nother facet or another program, but like this is where organizations like Al and on are so important and so critical because no matter what any loved one does in this world, no matter how much you love, whether it's your child or a sibling or a spouse, we can love them, we can pray for them, we can hope for them, we can do everything we can to be supportive to them. But if they will not participate in their recovery, if they will not participate in the surrender that's necessary for recovery, if they won't be humble enough to admit that they're powerless over drugs and alcohol and they have unmanageability in their life, you can lead them to water all day long. And as they always say, you just can't make them drink.
Steve Coughran:But I mean, at what point do you say, look, I can't help you, or you practice a little bit of tough love? I mean, that's that's the hard part. And you know, I think about a spouse who really loves their partner, yes, and it's like years and years and years of this going on. It's like at some point, you know, there is this like line in the sand. I I mean, I think back of my mom. Here was my mom, she had five kids with my dad. And, you know, at the very end there, he was coming home drunk, he was high on drugs, you know, he'd come with a blood, you know, like blood all over his face and all over his shirt, and he'd be banging on the apartment door while he was sleeping. And my mom's like, what the heck? And she'd open the door and he's like, Oh, I got in this bar fi. He got arrested for like siphoning gas out of a car. You know, I mean, it's just ridiculous stuff. And here she is trying to be a mom, raising these kids. And my dad was just like this menace. And at some point, Steven, you know, she had enough and she just said, Look, it's either drugs or the kids. And she gave him the ultimatum, and sadly, he chose the drugs and he never recovered. He was in and out of rehab for the rest of his life, and then he just gave up and he ended up dying under a bridge, homeless, all alone. And so it's like, at what point do you do that? My mom doesn't carry that burden, it's not like she carries that responsibility, but I'm sure some people they may have the fear of look, if I give up on this person, if I kick them out of my house, if I divorce them, and they don't get clean, like I'm gonna have to live with that pain if anything terrible happens to them.
Steven Ginsburg:So this is good, you know, there's some real old school slogan stuff that applies here, so I've got to bust it out. You know, the definition of insanity is what we do the same thing and we expect a different result, right? So when any individual is participating in a relationship with someone of any sort who is participating in active addiction and alcoholism, it's very painfully obvious when they're at that place where they're like, accept this help, or we have to sever ties, whatever that looks like. Sometimes it's putting a child out of the house, sometimes it's starting the proceedings for a divorce, sometimes it's something as simple as blocking them on your phone and no longer taking calls until they've put together a sustained amount of sobriety. Because what you're currently participating in is perpetuating this pattern. So if you continue to participate like that and perpetuate that pattern, ultimately it'll lead to that person's demise. You are at least giving them a fighting chance when you, through your actions and your ultimatums, actually change their scenario and the circumstances of their life. That's where you throw that whole realm of repeating the same thing and expecting different results. You've made that change because they won't make the change on their own.
Steve Coughran:Yeah. Well, and I agree with that. I mean, I was in that spot. I remember when I was drinking all the time. I was in a toxic relationship, and here I was drinking on like a Tuesday night getting wasted. And you know, I was just repeating this behavior and what became like, oh, casual Friday and Saturday night drinking carried into Sunday. And well, hey, might as well do it on Monday, and then it's like Tuesday, and then it was like all the time. And I remember my brother-in-law, he took me out to Olive Garden, right? Good old Olive Garden. And he sat down with me and he's like, Look, Steve, I'm really worried about you. And I'm like a lot of people are worried about your drinking. And he's like, I really think you should address this and get some help. And I was like, I said this to him. I was like, Who the F are you? Right? Who are you to tell me? Look at you, look at what you do. Look at I mean, you drink, you smoke, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was so defensive, and I left that that whole lunch with my middle finger in the air, metaphorically speaking, and I was like, F him. I wasn't ready to change. I wasn't ready to change, and I didn't want to hear it. And guess what? I went further and further down and like into a deeper and a darker place.
Steven Ginsburg:I mean, truly, our bottom is where we stop digging, and that is again when our bottom is where we start stop digging, that is just the epitome of it. You that's where people, I really want to support people who are out there who are in these circumstances. You've got to prayerfully step up and never enable. We've talked about this a bunch, and we always will. We don't enable the disease, we enable the solution. And sometimes through that realm of tough love or those hard decisions or those changes, that's where we are enabling the solution. And we're not allowing the same patterns to continue a day at a time with our loved ones. And if they die at the hands of their disease, you are actually expediting that very death at the hands of their disease. Yeah. But you're at least giving them a chance to find sanctuary and find their way to survival by forcing them to change a portion or a great part of their dynamics and their circumstances.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, and I agree. Because I think if I was cut off in certain respects back in those days, maybe it wasn't an FU, maybe it would be a wake-up call, and maybe it would have saved me a lot of pain and struggle, and like, thank goodness I didn't do something stupid in the meantime, like kill somebody or kill myself. And I love how you always say to me, it's like there's two paths. There's two paths death and jail. That's it. I mean, there's it's not like there's path three and lived happily ever after as a meth addict until I was 80. You know, I mean it's it's it can't find them.
Steven Ginsburg:I want to, I want to bring bring it home in one realm. You know, you've known me through a good portion of my of my life and my walk in Restore. And at restore, at the early days before you and I ever met at Restore, if someone was trying to leave against medical advice or was going to be administratively discharged, I would spend like unbelievable amounts of time and energy trying to convince them to stay, trying to like manage their state, trying to explain to them what was going to happen. And I am so grateful. This is where I had to evolve and I had to grow. But it very much is apropos to what we're discussing, Steve. Over these last three years, but especially these last two years. It was like three years ago, it was like my freshman year of this, and now I'm more in sort of my last semester of this. I mean, I'm at a point now where people be like, you know, I'm just gonna leave and I'll tell them, leave. Yeah. And then a lot of times they'll be like, I'm not well, I'm no, I'm gonna stay. I'm like, that's up to you. I want you to stay. We want to help you, but you've got to have the desire to help yourself. I'm so grateful the Lord has brought me to that place because that is the epitome of me properly enabling the solution, not the disease. I can't waste that energy and effort on someone who doesn't want it, who doesn't want to participate it. I've got to save that energy and effort for people who are participating in their survival and their recovery.
Steve Coughran:Yeah, absolutely. I love that. And if you're listening and you want to take this conversation further, you could always email us at hello at restored detoxcenters.com. Also, on our website, restored detoxcenters.com, there's a few resources. First, Steven's book, Filling the Void. He's very humble, so he never talks about his book, but it's an excellent story, and it's a great gift just to give away to somebody who's struggling, and they could they could relate to a lot of Steven's story wherever you're at. Even if you're a parent, spouse, or just someone who's struggling with a loved one who is uh having addiction problems. Uh, great book. Also, we have a free ebook. It's called How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction. Totally free. You can go on the website. You could download that as well. So be sure to check that out. Steven, always great to do these podcast episodes with you. And thanks for uh this fruitful conversation.
Steven Ginsburg:Steve, I love you, brother. Thank you for being part of the solution. And if you are out there, just know this. We are for you. We love you. Everyone, have a safe, sober day.
