Addiction Recovery

61: The ‘Don’t, Won’t, Can’t’ Trap. What’s Really Holding You Back in Recovery

• Steven T. Ginsburg • Season 1 • Episode 61

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The clearest path to sobriety is usually the simplest: do what works, every day. In this episode, we unpack the Don’t, Won’t, Can’t framework—three common traps that derail recovery by skipping action, avoiding discomfort, or believing “I can’t.”

With real stories and straight talk, we discuss why a meeting a day isn’t overkill—it’s a lifeline. We cover how Zoom meetings keep you connected when life gets busy, and why long-term recovery still depends on the basics: a sponsor, the Twelve Steps (in order), regular meetings, and service that turns pain into purpose.

Steven shares lessons from the hardest parts of recovery—moral inventory and amends—where shame whispers “stop here.” We explore the psychology of self-doubt, the “I’m different” myth, and the illusion that strong-willed people can outthink addiction. Through the lens of fitness and consistency, we show how sobriety, like strength, fades with complacency—and how gratitude can make vigilance joyful, not burdensome.

If you’ve questioned whether daily meetings are doable, how to stay on track in busy seasons, or what to do when “can’t” gets loud, this conversation offers a clear blueprint: keep it small, keep it daily, keep it honest. The path is proven, the light is on, and you’re not alone. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope, and leave a review to help others find these tools.

Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery:  1-800-982-5530

DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.

It is important to note that the views and opinions expressed by the podcast hosts, guests, or contributors are their own and may not necessarily reflect the views of Restore Detox Centers. We strongly advise listeners to consult with qualified professionals, such as addiction counselors, therapists, or medical practitioners, before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this podcast. Please be aware that listening to this podcast does not establish a client-provider relationship with Restore Detox Centers.

Steve Coughran:

Steven, there's this phrase that you've shared with me, don't won't can't, that comes up oftentimes when you're working with people at restored detox centers. I want you to dive deeper into this and explain more about like what does this actually mean? Steve, thank you.

Steven Ginsburg:

As usual, you are indulging me and allowing topics near and dear to my heart to be present for these remarkable moments you and I share to help others. You know, I had gone into group last week, and and again, I find that the simplicity of recovery and the simplicity of this journey that the Lord has put me on is important for me to focus on with the community. This thing is simple, but I'm complicated and I'm not here to complicate it. And if you won't, or you don't, or you can't, and for me, the can't is always a byproduct of our disease, our disease telling us that we can't do the things needed and necessary for recovery. If those elements are in your realm, people end up in relapse, in pre-lapse, in relapse mode, and people end up dead or in institutions. So there's no there's no negotiating around it. It's about the simplicity of the recovery and the pursuit of our ongoing remission on a daily basis. But if you don't, or if you won't, or if you can't, you are headed towards a relapse or death or institutions.

Steve Coughran:

Okay, so let's break down each of these in more detail. Let's start with don't. What are you referring to here?

Steven Ginsburg:

They're going to all be equal opportunists as far as what the verbiage applies to. Like, for instance, if you don't choose to hit, and I believe a meeting a day for people in recovery is prudent, and I think it's realistic, and I don't think it's too much. You don't hit a meeting a day, you know, you're in worse shape than better shape where your recovery is concerned. And here's where I sit with that, for instance. When I was out there drinking and drugging, there wasn't a day where I didn't drink and drug. So, really, why should there be a day where I don't hit a meeting? But what if you're busy? Well, let's assume we are busy. I'm gonna actually I'm thank you for saying that. I'm gonna ask you to reflect upon me for the busy part because you know my life, you know my wife, you know our children, you sure as heck know what I do with restore, and you know about me with my recovery. And you are one of the most remarkable, astute professionals I've ever known in my life. Your acumen and expertise is amazing. So, because you're so bright, I'd like to ask you do you consider me a busy man?

Steve Coughran:

I mean, that's an understatement. I mean, you're you're always running around like crazy, and you got a ton of things on your plate. So, yeah, I mean, you are definitely busy.

Steven Ginsburg:

Thank you. So, you have vouched for me, and I appreciate that with lots of disclaimers. And I've given you an objective lane to vouch for me in. I am never too busy for a meeting. Nothing for me comes before my Lord and Savior in my recovery, because anything for me that's gonna come before my Lord and Savior in recovery, I am going to lose. But what if you have like a bunch of family events planned? So let's assume there are family events planned up to the chimney and out the chimney. Anytime, anyone in the world, like right now, Steve, it's 10 40 at 11 a.m., there'll be a thousand plus Zoom meetings that are available to any and all of us that we can simply plug an earpiece into our ear, hit our phone or our iPad or our computer, and jump right onto a Zoom meeting. So if the choice is no meeting or a Zoom meeting, for an addict and alcoholic like myself, a better choice is a Zoom meeting. Now I want to do a sidebar on that. I always want all of us a day at a time to go to in-person meetings, as many as possible. But if the choice is no meeting or a Zoom meeting, and some days I can't make it to an in-person meeting, but I still choose to go to a Zoom meeting.

unknown:

Okay.

Steve Coughran:

I mean, but do you really have to do it every single day? I mean, can't you just do it once a week? I mean, and and does it depend on how strong somebody's self-discipline is? Because maybe one person has a high level of discipline and you know they can maybe use a little bit of their will and their grit to avoid alcohol. What are your thoughts on that?

Steven Ginsburg:

Yeah, no, I think this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful, persistent, and patient. I was loaded every day, so I don't see how how is my recovery going to be in any worse shape if I hit a meeting a day. And you know, Steve, I'm coming up in 21 years clean and sober by God's grace and mercy. November 12th, first of all, I gotta make it through today. So let me start there. Okay, a day at a time on November 12th, I will take 21 years clean and sober. I am legitimately at anywhere from eight to nine to ten meetings a week. Not because anything is wrong. I'm gonna tell you why I'm at so many meetings a week, because things are going so well. So do I think it's necessary? I think meeting makers make it is one of those great bumper sticker slogans, and it's accurate. And when I think when you see a day at a time, people with real long-term sobriety, 30, 40, 50, 60 years of sobriety, they will still tell you that they're at a meeting a day. And I think a meeting a day is just right and it keeps the disease away. And I believe in it, and there is time for it. If you look at the time, sorry, you triggered me. If you look at the time, how much time are we on Instagram? How much time are we on TikTok? How much time are we on Facebook? How much time are we at the gym? How much time do I play Xbox? How much time am I just on the phone? You don't have an hour, an hour to continue your mission reprieve from a fatal illness. Yes, we do. We all have an hour. The disease has a lifetime. We've got to be vigilant and intentional and lean in.

Steve Coughran:

Well, and it's interesting because it makes me think about taking action, whether it's attending an AA meeting or whether it's other parts of our lives, because if we don't take the action, like we're sliding backwards. And the other day I was I was thinking about like my physical fitness and like lifting weights. I know you like to work out a lot too. Love it. And if you think about it, it's not like you could go to the gym for five years and get all ripped and bulked up, right? And then you're like, cool, I'm good. Right, good. Like I built my physique now, now I can sit back. I don't know about you, but it could be like one long like trip away where I'm eating like garbage. And you're like, dang, you know, my chest is getting all like, you know, it's not as toned and defined. My my gut is getting a little, you know, floppy there. And it could change so quickly. And I think that's why, like, for me, working out is this lifelong commitment. It's not like when I'm 80 years old, I'm gonna like stop working out. It's like every single day, or I mean, I do it six days a week, but it's consistent week after week. And if I just stop, I take a month off, guess what? I'm gonna slide backwards. And I think the same thing is true with like doing the work. And if you don't do the work, and if you don't do it consistently, then yeah, I mean the chances of relapse increase exponentially.

Steven Ginsburg:

Yes. And Steve, remember not too long ago when you and I did that episode when they go from from half-tos to want-tos? Yeah. This is in alignment with that, and all of this is in alignment with all of the working components of a program. Listen, like I love on Sunday, like this past Sunday, I have an 8:30 Zoom home group in Texas that I love. I'm very close to those people. Then Nick and I went to church at 11:30, and then there's a meeting I'm in love with that is walking distance from our front door. It's less than five minutes from our front door. It's at the place called the old barn. I mean, I was already set up for the day, like I had a great day. There was nothing wrong. I had a beautiful Sunday, and I still went to that five o'clock barn meeting because I wanted to. Yeah. And when I left that meeting, my cup was already running over. Why can't my cup run over more? What's wrong with more of a good thing? This disease almost killed me, man. I can't lean in and soak it up and enjoy some more recovery. And I wish, I wish and I want to continue to offer that hope to more people because all of the working components of this fellowship, it they're gonna deliver us to liberation a day at a time, but there is no laurel to rest on. There's no room for any complacency, Steve. This disease is just it's forever waiting us out. It wants to get in, it's maniacal. So we've got to be on guard and alert and on lookout for the enemy.

Steve Coughran:

Okay, so I love that. So that's that's the first one. Don't. So it's essentially people just don't take action, they don't follow through. Yes. Let's move on to won't. What do you mean by won't?

Steven Ginsburg:

So I'm just gonna apply it as an equal opportunist to all the things. So for instance, they won't go through the entire 12 steps. They stop at a certain step, like we've and we've covered the 12 steps before, and we can cover them again. And if you're out there listening, God bless you, and you're not really familiar, reference the 12 steps. But it's very, very common for people to go through step one, two, and three and stop at the step that addresses their personal inventory and the deliverance of their personal inventory. And that always, always, always categorically leads to a relapse because they're still sitting on that same stuff that produces and procures shame. And that shame will catapult us back into that old behavior, that searching and fearless moral inventory and the deliverance of it and the steps that follow. And that those steps one through 12, that's what produces and provides that psychic change. That's what eliminates a day at a time, that phenomenon of craving and provides that spiritual awakening.

Steve Coughran:

So they just simply they just won't do all the steps. That's what is the biggest thing.

Steven Ginsburg:

It's an it's another, it's another realm of the won't, don't count, where they're not doing all the components of the fellowship. And the components where where this is all going, Steve, is this. And you've you've heard this before from me, but this is a perfect time for it right now. You have that conception of a power greater than ourselves. Okay, for me, it's my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but it is a God of our own understanding, a God we can do business with, a power greater than ourselves. We have that individual with working knowledge of the steps in our life, that's a sponsor. We go to meetings, like we just discussed, we work all 12 steps, one through 12 in a row, and that psychic change occurs, and then we are of service. And if we won't, or if we don't, or if we can't, and the can't is the disease, do those things a day at a time. That reprieve and that remission is endangered. And if we do, it is not, it is assured. Well, I love all that.

Steve Coughran:

All right, yeah, yeah. That I mean, you said it very, very well and very clearly there. So the won't piece, like you're talking about the 12 steps. I want to dive deeper into this idea of people start doing the steps, then all of a sudden they stop. Yes. Like, what is it? Like they start getting into the steps and they look at themselves and they have to solve some of the problems that they've been living with for a long time that they've been bearing. Is that what you're referring to? Or they're just like, you know what, these steps are stupid. I could do it, you know, I get by with three or eight of them, whatever, but not all 12. Right.

Steven Ginsburg:

It's a combination of the disease as an opportunist. So the disease will kick kick up a shame cycle. You can't dare tell someone about that. You can't dare talk about that. You can't dare put that on paper and put it out there. You can't dare make those amends that's attached to that inventory and that inventory you've delivered. You can't dare forgive yourself. And so the disease is perpetuating that shame cycle. And without that shame cycle eliminated through the work and the steps, it can never be done.

Steve Coughran:

Okay. So let's move on to can't because I'm sure it's closely related. What do you mean by can't then?

Steven Ginsburg:

You know, can't is really it's it's good that it's apropos that I was discussing the disease. Sometimes when the disease is down to its last strike, when it's down to its last measure, when it can't figure out any other way to get us in a in a trick box, what it'll do is start to a little bit interestingly, a little bit like what you referenced earlier. The disease will be like, you can't go to a meeting a day. How are you gonna fit that in? You can't sit there with some stranger and deliver your personal inventory. You can't be of service to other people who are suffering in this fellowship who need your help. And it starts to feed us this narrative, this lie, like we can't do something, and those can't always produce a relapse.

Steve Coughran:

It's self-doubt, really. Yeah, like it is self-doubt. You know what? I can't do this. Seriously, I can't. It's like way too much.

Steven Ginsburg:

This is fine for all those other people. This this isn't for you. Well, that those are the lies of the enemy. One of the most common things that people hear from me, and you've heard it from me before as well. When I'm working with others, you want like what's Ginsburg's tagline? Oh, here's Ginsburg's tagline. It's your disease, that's your disease, that's your disease, it's your disease. Because it's what? It's your disease. And by the way, don't worry, mine comes for me too. Yeah, tells me lies all the time. I'm like, my alarm goes off because I'm gonna lead Bible study on Tuesday morning. I'm like, oh, I'm tired. The weighted blanket is warm, the dogs are all in bed. I never miss. This should be a day where we're what, Steven? What else are you gonna make a compromise on? No, that's my disease, and I dismiss that thinking.

Steve Coughran:

And what about and and I'm sure this type of mindset fits into all three of these, but you know, I remember, and I'm still like this to this day. I still try to fight this, but I remember especially as a kid, like growing up, and when I started becoming a teenager, I remember going to church and I just had this like attitude behind me where it's like that's for the goody tissues, you know, like just the nerds, right? They they have to follow these things so strictly because like I don't know what the thinking was. It was just like, well, I'm I'm better, I don't need to do that, right? That's for everybody else. And I even think about that sometimes with like life, you know, it's like you go on an experience or you're gonna go try something new, and there's always like the safety talk, and like, okay, you got to wear your gloves and put on your safety goggles, and you're like, okay, you're rolling your eyes, you're like, Yeah, I know, I know. And I remember like even as a kid using like the weed whacker, and my mom would always be like, Hey, put on your your glasses, your safety goggles. I was like, I don't need that stuff, whatever. And then I remember like weed whacking in a rock, like hit my eye, and I thought, oh my gosh, I'm gonna go blind. And so it's like it's those mechanisms, and we've talked about this before where there's mechanisms in place, there are rules in place, but I think sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking, we're the cool cats, we don't need that. Doesn't apply better than that, right? Yep, and so I wonder if this mindset is pervasive with the with recovery, where some people are like, you know what? I used to be Steven, I used to be the high school quarterback. Really? I think I can handle it, buddy. Or hey, I'm a successful business owner, I'm a multimillionaire, like I think I can get out of recovery and like manage myself. I don't need to go to meetings every single day or do all the steps. Do you do you feel like that's true, or do you think that's more of like an isolated mindset?

Steven Ginsburg:

No, I feel like what it is is you can find out the easy way or the hard way. And if you need to find out the hard way, here's the scary part about that. Your life is at risk, especially with this disease. Safety goggles and weed whacker, there could be a catastrophic injury. It certainly could cost you an eye. It could be a trip to the ER. Lesson learned. You play this kind of Russian roulette with this disease. You know, this disease is what? Fatal. It's fatal, it's proven to be fatal. So you you got it all covered. So let me get this straight, you successful entrepreneur out there in our hypothetical example. Since the 1930s, this has been going on globally now, for millions of people participating in the solution, all getting the same results by doing the same things. But you are different, and you got this all covered, and you're gonna show us. We'll have at it, man. Uh, but I will be waiting with open arms. If you make it back, praise God, we're not gonna shoot our wounded. But I'll be like, bro, let's try it this way. Because, and by the way, I don't want anyone to get confused. Like, I know something, I don't know anything. I am a ventriloquist dummy pulling a string. I am a parrot repeating what has been so freely given. But here's what I know it's proven, and it's working in my life, like today, it's right now. This is the fellowship, the program, and my Lord and Savior working in my life today. This is my experience, strength, and hope. It is all proven, it is all vested. Like, hey, Steve, water's wet, right? Right. This works, it's proven to work. If what, if we work it.

Steve Coughran:

Yeah, well, and like you said, it's Russian roulette. And sure, you could get out of rehab and say, you know what, I can handle just smoking weed and I am fine. And maybe you, maybe you are, maybe you're one of the few that can do that. But you know what? If I had a revolver in my hand and I know there's one bullet in the chamber, I'm not gonna take that risk. Amen. You know, I mean, that's crazy, and that's how like deadly this is. So I I love this topic, don't won't can't. Glad that you're able to dive deeper into it. And I think it's just a really simple framework to remember. You know, if if you're struggling with addiction or if you have a loved one who's struggling with addiction, I think this don't won't can't type of uh terminology can be super helpful for people.

Steven Ginsburg:

Steve, Steve, really thank you. I'm glad we got to tackle this. I know you can hear it and sense it because you know me really well. It triggers me in a good way, it evokes my passion, it makes me crazy in a good way. I hate this disease. I love the people who suffer from it, but this disease serves up the won't, don't, can't. And then the solution is not allowed to vest and take hold and help people to have their lives. And I am here a day at a time to work against that and for the greater good. And if you're out there struggling or you need to know the truth, or you have a question, or you have a doubt, believe you me, we'd love to hear from you. And you will hear back from us or hear back from me directly. We are for you. We love you, have a safe and sober day. And Steve, thank you for letting us tackle this topic. Cheers.

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Steven T. Ginsburg

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Steve Coughran

Co-host