73: They’re Not Your Friends--How Drinking and Drug Buddies Hold You Back

What if your loudest friendships were really reinforcing your worst habits—and real connection began when you chose to stand apart? This conversation breaks down the emotional reality of sobriety: why leaving drinking buddies hurts, how addiction skews loyalty, and what it takes to build relationships that protect your future instead of your impulses.

Steven shares the hard truth of realizing that the people he once drank with disappeared when the high was gone. We unpack “water seeks its level” as a practical way to evaluate friendships and confront the social pressure that keeps people drinking even when no one wants to. Choosing rest, clarity, and early mornings isn’t boring—it’s an advantage, with real payoffs like better sleep, lower anxiety, and aligned values.

We reframe friendship with one simple test: who would you call in a crisis, and who would actually answer? You’ll hear clear scripts for saying no, ways to replace trigger-heavy environments, and why fewer, stronger relationships matter more than a full contact list. Stay true to your boundaries, and you’ll attract people who respect them—not ones who depend on you ignoring them.

Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery:  1-800-982-5530

DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.

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Transcript

Life As Practice And Mindset

Steven Ginsburg 0:00

Life is a giant practice session. So the more we practice these life-affirming, soul-building, health-based behaviors, the better we do.

Speaker 0:09

This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T. Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in Sunny, California. Enjoy your experience.

Were They Ever Friends

Steve Coughran 0:23

Steven, when you were deep in drinking and drugging, or it's mostly drugging the second time around, right? Were you drinking at the time, or just you're heavily into drugs? When you were in this stage and you had like friends around you, did you think that these people were your friends? Like, did you honestly think they were your friends? Or in the back of your mind, were you thinking, you know what? They use me, I use them. I know they don't care about me, but it's fun getting high with them. What was your like whole mindset as it relates to like friendships when you're in the deep of drinking and drugging?

Steven Ginsburg 0:58

Steve, thank you. That's a really incredible question and a great talking point. My mindset was so altered and so darkened and so horrifically uh lost and empty that yes, I actually thought those people, whomever they may be, and the list is long and distinguished, were were on my side, uh, had my best interest at heart, made sense, uh, that we were doing life together, and that that there was something to it. And it was the complete opposite. And I will tell you, there is literally not one single person from that chapter of my life that I still engage with where we sit today. And it doesn't, it's not casting any judgment. Are they good or bad people? Uh there were bad things we were mutually participating in together. Uh, there's an old analogy that I believe in on water seeking its own level. And you go to the barbershop enough times, you're gonna get that haircut. Uh, you find the people that you're gonna do those things with that you're similarly yoked with, uh, where that evil is concerned. And then on conversely, on the other side of it, you find yourself surrounded by by godly people who who have this path of clarity and who are about the solution, and that's who your life comprises when you're living a life of sobriety or when you're living a life that doesn't

Water Seeks Its Level

Steven Ginsburg 2:11

involve those type of factors.

Steve Coughran 2:12

Yeah. And I mean, that was gonna be my follow-up question is how many of those have you hung around with since then? And it's interesting because I remember when I was drinking and I was smoking weed and stuff. Oftentimes people would reach out to me and they're like, hey, let's go out. It's a Wednesday. And I'm like, I gotta work. I was I was running my company at the time. I was trying to build this new business. And I was like, okay, I'll go out. Because if I didn't go out, they'd be like, ah, you're a loser, or maybe they wouldn't invite me out the next time. And I thought like this friend group was so important to have, right? Because they're my buddies, they're my BFFs. And so we would go out and we'd go drinking Wednesdays, Thursdays, the weekends, whatever it was. And then when I got sober, I remember like going out with them one or two times after I got sober. And like I just go out to the bar. I wouldn't drink, I just drink water, I just hang out. I try to relate to them, but being sober and being around drunk people is not fun. Then what happened is they stopped hanging

Losing The Party Crowd

Steve Coughran 3:11

out with me. They're probably like the buzzkill. Here's Steve the buzzkill, or or maybe they felt uncomfortable with their own behavior. Whatever, whatever it was, they all disappeared. To this day, not one of them do I stay in contact with. And what's interesting is that like not once did they reach out to me and say, Hey, dude, congrats, like getting away from this stuff. How can I like support you? That's gotta be tough. You gotta be going through some hard things. Not once, like completely disappeared.

Steven Ginsburg 3:41

It really doesn't surprise me again. It's it just water seeking its own level again, Steve. You know, just that what are they gonna do? What do they have in common? And how can they deal with their own reality when people like ourselves are abstaining in that manner? Uh, there's no common ground, and I think there's a real blessing in that. And I think that is a gift that you are you are protected in in a great way, shape, and form by something bigger than us from ourselves through the company we keep. And yeah, there there's some tough moments where maybe you feel excluded, or maybe you don't hear from people, or maybe you it hurts your feelings, but in the end you start to realize very quickly what a blessing it is to have those very people shifted out of your life and out of your path.

Steve Coughran 4:26

Yeah, and I and I think like friends are so hard to like find, like good friends. You know, to me, if somebody says, Hey, I got so many friends, I have a ton of friends, I think, wow, your standards are probably pretty low. Because to me, you know, my friends are those who maintain high standards, right? They have goals, they have ambitions. Doesn't mean that they're perfect because nobody is, and I'm not perfect. Jeez, I'd have no friends if that was the criteria. Really, I can count on like one hand, my really good friends. And when I when I say good friend, it's somebody where if I was in a crisis,

Redefining Friendship Standards

Steve Coughran 5:01

I was in the thick of it, who would I call? Who could I vent to? Who would actually pick up and really like empathize with me? That's that's who I think of. And so the reason why I'm asking you this is because we just did an episode a couple back about like it takes a village. So I'm I'm sure when you're talking with people that are up at the restore house or in other places, going through like this new life of sobriety, trying to figure it out. I'm sure in the conversation you bring up, surround yourself with good people, like good friends.

Steven Ginsburg 5:32

Absolutely.

Change Everything, Change Your Circle

Steven Ginsburg 5:33

Really, it's just so much of it becomes and and you've heard this before when you've been at the table with me at group, Steve. You know, the only thing we have to change is what? Everything. Okay, that's a good start. So it's the company we keep, it's the people we surround ourselves with. We don't have the place or the bandwidth or the ability to be with people that are not participating in like-minded approaches and behavior as ours because it's it's an endangerment to our life. We're not gonna go if we have a DEF CON 3000 peanut allergy, we're not gonna go out to the Macon Georgia peanut factory and see how it goes. Yeah, we're gonna avoid that place like the plague. You know, it's a crazy wild analogy, but it's a really accurate one. The same thing goes for us and what we're discussing right now.

Steve Coughran 6:19

No, and I mean, do

Pushback Or Acceptance In Sobriety

Steve Coughran 6:20

you think people like do people argue with you or do people try to push back against that idea? If you say to them, hey, look, you need to find a new friend group, you need to ditch the friends that you have or had in the past that like drug and drink with you. Do you get a lot of pushback with that? Or are people pretty receptive and and their eyes are open once they become sober?

Steven Ginsburg 6:40

I think once they're sober, Steven, they understand what our intentions are. We're not trying to ruin anyone's life, we're trying to protect people from themselves and we're trying to save people's lives. I think because they understand it's so heartfelt, it's so genuine, and they understand, I think that's also a blessing. Like I praise the Lord that I am an addict and an alcoholic and that I am clean and sober. I'm going through on a daily basis the same things that they're going through. The people I surround myself by and with are the same people I support them in surrounding themselves by and with. And I think that's where that common element, those similarities, not those differences, it starts to deliver the goods because the actions and words match, and they're like, hey, this guy's not out to ruin my fun. He's trying to help me to keep from killing myself, and that's fair. Yeah, and so I think that's where you can find that common ground. So I have an experience, it's been a long while since I've really had some sort of thing where it's like, I'm never giving this person up. I mean, it has happened, but it's just, I think to your point, you're you're breaking so much ground at that point. That's the last thing that's really a big trial or tribulation for them to change some of their playmates and playgrounds.

Steve Coughran 7:44

Well, and what's interesting is that like, how many people who are hanging out with each other are like judging the other person's behavior and they're trying to figure them out and trying to figure out like, are they wanting this? Do I want this? Like, case in point, I remember talking to her wife, and she was telling the story of when she was, you know, in college. And there would be a few times when she lived in like Arizona, and I'd come down and visit her with her brother because I'm friends obviously with her brother.

The Hidden Pressure To Drink

Steve Coughran 8:12

And she would tell me, like, hey, I'd be drinking with some of the friends, but I didn't really want to drink, I just wanted to hang out and like read a book and like watch a movie. I didn't want to go out with them. How often, like, I was in the same spot. Like, I would hang out with somebody and they're like, Hey, do you want to go out tonight? And I'm like, let's just rent a movie and hang out, which is as a 20-year-old guy hanging out around with a bunch of bro dudes, they're probably like, watch a movie. Right. Who are you? Some, you know, and and give me a hard time. But that's what I want to do. I just wanted to rent a movie and chill, you know, and which is extremely fair. Which is fair, right? And so I think about like whether it's men, whether it's women, like in these friend groups, maybe the friend brings up, like, hey, let's go get a bottle of wine and hang out. They don't really want to get a bottle of wine, but they think that's the norm. And then the other person doesn't want to drink, but then they want to let down their other friend. So in reality, they both don't want to drink, but they think that's the norm. So they end up drinking, and then they both are like, why are we doing this stuff? How many of those situations do you think are happening out there in this world? Because that was me. That was the experience that your wife had. And I just wonder like how many others of you who are listening like feel the exact same.

Steven Ginsburg 9:31

You know, I I think it's just a again, it's a very, you know, I'm grateful. It's

Choose Rest Over The Norm

Steven Ginsburg 9:36

a very apropos point. And I think I think really you've got to embrace the fact that sometimes you've got to accept that harsh reality. Like, I've got to be more clear and more consistent, and sometimes have the hard conversations that like I understand we all are going to do, but like I'm gonna be resting and practicing remarkable self-care tonight. And if people aren't on the side of that, or if people can't come alongside you where that's concerned, or if people can't support that part of your life, it's time to start considering some different people in our way. And it's easier said than done, but the more you know, life is a giant practice session. So the more we practice these life-affirming, soul-building, health-based behaviors, the better we do. You've got to give it a whirl. And then you start to really find out who really is on your side, who really does love you, who's really for you. That's one of my favorite things to say, and and to say to people like, I'm for you. It's an unusual statement. And what does it mean? What's it about? It means like where your best interest is concerned. I am here for you. I am for you. Find those people in your life, and like I guess I'm saying this to everyone who's listening right now. Find those people who you know, their heart is for you, their prayer life is for you, their walk is for you, their path is for you, even if it's not congruent with theirs, those are the people we want to be with, those are the winners we want to stick with, those are the people who will deliver those goods.

Steve Coughran 11:03

I agree. And I and I think there's so much value in just being yourself, even though sometimes that's hard in the world.

The Road Less Traveled Pays Off

Steve Coughran 11:10

I know for me, when I'm in a business situation or like a networking situation, or I'm at a conference, wherever it may be, oftentimes or the majority of the times, I should say, it leads to like some type of happy hour, right? It's like, okay, we're at a conference after this today's session, we're gonna do a happy hour. And I'm thinking, like, especially in my earlier days, I was thinking, well, if I don't go to happy hour, I'm gonna be that loser, you know, leaving and I'm gonna be missing out on the like developing these relationships with these people. So then I would go, everybody would be drinking, and you know, I'm just like, uh. So as time went on, and even when I was in my MBA program, we would be in class in these foreign countries. And then after class, the big group would go out, like the majority of the class would go out, uh, drinking, doing karaoke, like doing crazy stuff. And they'd stay out till like three in the morning. And then I would at first I'd go out with them. I wouldn't stay out till three in the morning. I'd go out with them for a little bit, and then I'm like, okay, they're getting a little ridiculous and obnoxious, and I'd leave and go back to the hotel. But then after a few of these residencies, I just decided, you know what? I'm gonna do my own thing. And I remember one time we were in Germany in Berlin, and they're all gonna go

Standing Out Attracts The Right People

Steve Coughran 12:23

out drinking. And I thought, you know what? I'm gonna have a date night with myself. So that's what I said. I said, I'm gonna go have a date night with myself. And it was great. I went to this restaurant by myself in Berlin. Then I walked around some of these historical buildings, I went to a museum, I got some gelato on the way back, and then I think I was in bed by like nine o'clock, and it was great, and I felt wonderful the next day. I went up for a run and I stretched and I went to class and I was ready to learn, and they all came in late, hung over, feeling like crap. And I'm like, it feels good to stand out, but it's not easy. No, it's not easy.

Steven Ginsburg 13:00

No, it is that road. So great, great point, and great for you to convey that information. It is really that road less traveled, and if it was easy, everyone would do it, but it's worth it. And and the return on those choices, the return on that, that assertion and that conviction is monumental. And you start, and you know, it's a life hack, literally. We we are not better than anyone, but we're miles ahead of them in this game and in this race of life because we have the gift of clarity, we have better well-being from a health standpoint. Neurologically, we're healthier, our souls are healthier, it leads to healthier choices, and there's just better results where it's all concerned.

Steve Coughran 13:43

Yeah, no, and I agree. And then I think like if you're in that situation, you're listening to this, you feel that social pressure, like you can step out of that and you can find friends because I know, like with us, like our relationship, Steven. If I were to say to you, say I lived in California near you, and I said, Steven, do you want to watch the game tonight? Do you want to come over and watch the game? And you said, you know what? Actually, it's been a long day. I'm gonna take a bubble bath, and then I'm just gonna like read a book and then I'm gonna go to bed. I'd be like, That's cool, dude. That's great. No judgment had. What are you? And so I just think like it's okay to stand out. That's what we want you to hear, and that's why we're doing this episode today. Is like, it's okay to stand out, and it's really important to teach your kids and people around you. It's okay to stand out to be different. And when you do that, other people are gonna be like, I feel the same way, I just didn't have the courage to say it. And then you're gonna attract good people to you, and that's how you have good friends. And like at the beginning, Steven, he had all these friends, I had all these so-called friends, they weren't our friends, they were just our drinking buddies, and they're cool as long as we're destroying ourselves because they're destroying themselves, and it made them feel good. But there's tons of great people out there, it's just it's more about attracting the right people to you based

An Open Invitation To Walk With Us

Steve Coughran 15:05

on who you are. That's what I wanted to convey today.

Steven Ginsburg 15:07

I love that, Steven. With friends like that, we don't need enemies. Uh, find like-minded people who are similarly yoked with and continue to live in that solution and make those better choices. I just so appreciate the topic. Uh, if you're out there and you're listening, take a walk on this path with us. If you have questions, we want to hear from you. Know this. We love you. We are for you. Like I said, I love saying that because it's our truth. Uh, we want to hear from you. Everyone, have a safe and sober day.