82: Want Better Relationships. Try This

The fastest way to change a relationship usually isn’t a big speech—it’s asking a thoughtful question and listening long enough to truly hear the answer. We talk about how conversations often become self-focused, why curiosity can sometimes feel like interrogation, and how genuine listening builds trust instead of shutting people down.

We also get practical about communication in families and recovery: asking open-ended questions, resisting the urge to immediately fix things, and creating emotional safety so people feel comfortable being honest. In a culture driven by outrage and division, a simple “Tell me more” can go a long way.

For parents, partners, and anyone supporting someone they love, we discuss how honest listening can open the door to real conversations about stress, pain, alcohol, drugs, and addiction. One truth we come back to often: feelings won’t destroy us, but addiction can. Presence, empathy, and connection matter.

Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery:  1-800-982-5530

DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.

It is important to note that the views and opinions expressed by the podcast hosts, guests, or contributors are their own and may not necessarily reflect the views of Restore Detox Centers. We strongly advise listeners to consult with qualified professionals, such as addiction counselors, therapists, or medical practitioners, before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this podcast. Please be aware that listening to this podcast does not establish a client-provider relationship with Restore Detox Centers.

Transcript

Getting Out Of Self Focus

Steven Ginsburg 0:00

That's what takes us to where the focus becomes us. The focus is on us. It's all about us. And then we have nothing to offer and nothing to gain or give to

Why Questions Create Real Connection

Steven Ginsburg 0:11

others.

Steve Coughran 0:11

This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T. Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in Sunny California. Enjoy your experience. Steven, it's interesting. Every time I come to California and we hang out, whether we go up to the Restore Detox Center's house together or we're just hanging around the house or doing whatever, we have really good conversation. And you know, it goes back and forth. You ask me questions, I ask you questions, and it just flows. What I've been realizing a lot lately, and my wife and I were talking about this the other day, is that I think a lot of people struggle with questions, asking questions. And maybe it's more natural in me because I grew up with a grandfather who asked me questions all the time, like literally, he had a little notebook he kept in his pocket, and he had his little pocket protector and the little this little flip notebook, and he'd open it up and he'd be like, Steven, let me ask you a question. And he'd ask me these like random questions about the universe or about ants or tigers or whatever it was. And so I really picked up this habit of asking questions. But I think some people are just very uncomfortable asking questions. And how this relates to this podcast is when we are talking with our children or our partners or whoever may be our friends. If we're not asking questions about their lives, it's gonna be really hard to develop a meaningful relationship or and or to find out about their lives and whether or not they they may be in trouble. I want to I want to pause there. I want to get your take on this because I think it's really important, really, really important. What it what say you?

Steven Ginsburg 2:06

Critical. I love this. Thank you for this. It's a gift. You know, I I love I love being able to to lean into and uh to look into and to come alongside others. And and and I want to pivot a little bit on this because it gets me out of myself. For one thing, service is better for myself as the server than for the served. Uh, so I think that first and foremost, putting others first and thinking about others first just really helps me not be so hyper-focused on myself. Secondarily, just having that natural interest and that curiosity and that willingness and that wantingness to know about others, to reach out to others, to reach in where others are concerned. I think that's something that humanity, Steve, desperately needs. I think that's why there is so much crisis today. I think that's why you and I are so busy addressing topics that are all relevant, that are all relatively close to home, that men and women in society and that children in society are facing. There's a lack of connection, there's a lack of community, there's a lack of continuity, and people are missing each other, but it is that way, it doesn't have to stay that way. And we can change that one person and one conversation at a time.

Curiosity Without Traps Or Judgment

Steve Coughran 3:29

Yeah, and I love what you just said because you're absolutely right. You can literally change your relationships right now, today, just by asking better questions. And I'm telling you, like if you start noticing, maybe it's within yourself or you notice it with other people, like people just do not ask questions. And I want to be very clear and very specific on what I'm referring to because you may ask questions, but if you're asking questions, waiting for the person to respond, so then you can tell a story, that's not what I'm referring to. So if I say to you, Stephen, I I ask you, Do you like Mexican food? And then respond to that.

Steven Ginsburg 4:09

I Steve, I absolutely love Mexican food. Oh, so do I.

Steve Coughran 4:13

I love Mexican food. Like, we uh and I just see I just interrupted you. Yeah, like my wife and I we go get Mexican food like every single week. Oh, there's this spot that we love to get. Oh, Steven, you got to see this spot. It's amazing. The news are incredible, the chips and salsa and blah, blah, blah. You get the point, right? And I start telling a story about myself. So I asked you a question because I wanted to talk about myself. 100%. Steven, do you uh have you ever been to a tennis match? And you start to answer and I say, Yeah, so let me tell you the story. Oh my gosh, my wife and I went to the US Open and it was incredible, blah, blah, blah, all about me. So if you're asking people questions so you can turn around and tell a story, that's not what we're talking about here. If you're asking a question because you want to trap somebody, you're interrogating them. That's not gonna go over super well either, right? Yeah. And if you're asking a question because you want to judge them, so Steven, what did you eat yesterday for breakfast? Right. And it's like, oh, you eat that? Like, let me tell you, man, there's a better diet out there. Like, you're you're not you're gonna stop like answering the questions. But when you ask a question because you honestly care, you honestly care about that person's response, and then you just shut your mouth, don't tell a story, don't give them advice, don't try to correct them, but genuinely take it in because you care about them and you love them. I'm telling you, your relationships will change. And what's interesting is like the world is so polarized right now, and social media has algorithms that literally are designed to polarize people. They're gonna feed you content, they're gonna see things on the internet that are curated specifically for you because when you create contention and you create like when you just get people all riled up, you make money. That's how these companies make a lot of money. And so when it comes to like this polarization, I don't get it. I have clients that you know are democratic, that are liberals. I don't care. I don't care. They share something about a religion that I don't even like, I don't even follow. Or they maybe they're atheist and I'm Christian. I'm like, huh, that's interesting. Tell me more. Tell me more about your perspective. I don't ask them that question because I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna preach, right? And I'm gonna open up my Bible and tell them where they're wrong and they're going to hell. I'm asking them because I'm like, what made you go and become an atheist? That's really interesting. Doesn't mean I have to join with them, doesn't mean I need to go down the same path, but I'm asking questions because I truly care about them and I love them.

Listening Fully And Letting People Finish

Steven Ginsburg 6:58

Absolutely. I I I think it's such a great conceptual thing to address. And one of the things that I think we have an opportunity with here is to make sure that when a question is asked, that or that when when we inquire, we don't allow it to be so that it can be about us. We can keep the focus on others, and the more that we are able to, and the more that we empower ourselves to keep our focus on others, share our experience, strength, and hope with them, certainly. But allow them to share what's on their heart with us and really hear them. And I want to let I want to lend this to this conversation as well, Steve, for a moment, please. You know, one of the things I've been working on like crazy this year, and I literally have to work on it, and I choose things to work on in my sobriety because it it continues to help me make my best through Christ better. I'm really working hard on allowing people to finish what they're saying to me. Because, man, I want to jump in there and start to tinker and like suggest and fix. And it's like, hey, Steven, shut up, listen, take it in, take in where their hearts are at, hear them, just hear them and wait. It's okay to wait. Like my response, my ability to come alongside them is not going to go away. But I love working on that. That also lends itself to allowing me to focus on them. And I think these things are relevant because it's the self-centeredness. I always dovetail back to recovery. I can't help it. It's where I'm called and it's where so much of our focus is. It's the self-centeredness and the lack of humility and the ego, which to me, the acronym for ego is edging, got out. That's what takes us to where the focus becomes us. The focus is on us, it's all about us. And then we have nothing to offer and nothing to gain or give to others.

Steve Coughran 8:56

Yeah, exactly. Like I was talking to one of my wife's friends who spent, you know, quite a bit of time with her, and I said, Huh, you know, what's the most interesting thing that you learned about my wife over the last few days? And she's like, uh, huh. Um I don't know. And kind of laughed it off. And I was like, how sad. It's because you don't you don't ask any questions, you just talk about random things. And so when we talk, when we tie this back to drugs and alcohol or whatever the addiction may be, you're never gonna get that out of your kids if they don't feel comfortable talking to you. And I think as parents, and I've been in this spot before, trust me, I'm not perfect at this. When you're talking at your kids, that's entirely different than talking with your kids.

Talking With Kids Not At Them

Steven Ginsburg 9:50

Absolutely.

Steve Coughran 9:51

Don't you agree?

Steven Ginsburg 9:52

Uh, a trillion percent. And and putting them in a space where they don't feel they're gonna be judged, where they don't feel there's gonna be consequence, where they have that opportunity to really be authentic, and where they know, like it's so beautiful when our son and our daughter know that they're being heard, that what they have to offer matters and has worth and value. It's it means a lot to me just to tell them, even at random times, Steve, you know, I'm so proud of you. Yeah, I'm proud of who you are, I'm proud of whose you are, or just to give them like an extra hug and just like and just to find them for a moment in this crazy whirlwind sprint of a world. And and again, these things, it's just it's an endless conversation. They all pile on top of each other. It's the human condition, but we need each other so desperately, but we deny each other the time and attention that we all need.

Steve Coughran 10:52

Exactly. And like, think about your kids. Your kids are absolutely amazing and they're very open. They say things sometimes, you're like, whoa, okay, you like to share stuff, and my kids are the same way. And it's interesting because, like, if you were to sit your daughter down and you said, Okay, here's the conversation. How's your day? You know, what did you have for lunch today? What did you do when you got home from school? And you're just like drilling her questions, she's probably thinking, Okay, he's trying to catch me or something, you know, and it's like, God, got you. You had sugar before dinner, you're grounded, or whatever it may be, you know. But when you're asking questions like that or talking at somebody, they're not opening up. If you said, hey baby, how was school today? What did you learn? Like, what is it like being in junior high? Is that hard? Is it hard being a junior high student? I ask my kids that, you know, I'm like, what's it like being a kid nowadays? So those types of questions, what do you think it's gonna open up to? I mean, they're gonna share more things. And when you have those relationships, whether it's with your kids or your partner, I mean, what if what if your partner's drinking more and you're like, huh, something's off? And you start interrogating them, obviously they're gonna shut down. But if you're like, tell me more. So, like, what's going on? I could tell something's off with you. You seem a little more stress. I notice like you're drinking a little bit more. Like, is

Tough Questions Built On Trust

Steve Coughran 12:19

everything okay? Like, are you hurting? Like, where's the pain? Like, tell me more. Not to be like, gotcha, you're a loser. I can't believe you drink and you do this. Like, you need to go to rehab. We're not saying that at all.

Steven Ginsburg 12:32

No, it's just like loving people and like genuinely caring about them, just nurturing them and loving them into it, and like you know, simple things like I just I like verbiage, like, hey, I want to come alongside you and I want to help. I want, I understand, like something is going on, you're hurting. My objective here is to find a way to come alongside you and help. Like, what can I do? And lead and give it back to them. And and it may take a moment and it may it may take a few approaches and it may take some time before there's some authenticity in the answer, but the answers are coming if we inquire properly and if we empathize and if we support and not condemn and disparage, exactly.

Steve Coughran 13:19

And sometimes it requires us to ask those tough questions. Yes. Do you have a drinking problem? Have you been smoking marijuana? Right. Have you had sex with your boyfriend? You know, things like that. Like asking those tough questions can come once you build that foundation of trust. But you can't just be like, oh, I talk about myself all the time. I never ask my kids about their lives, but today I'm gonna play the big, bad, mean dad, and I'm gonna like ask him questions and I'm gonna find this stuff out. Like, that doesn't work, it doesn't work that way, right?

Steven Ginsburg 13:54

And expect them somehow to magically open up when they feel completely cornered. And I'm not laughing because it's funny, I'm laughing because the irony, and there's so many times I work with parents, and I love working with parents. Like, it's amazing how he or she talks to you, they know they don't tell me anything. I'm like, I can't imagine why. And I but I know exactly why, but it's not that's not their fault either. It's victims of victims of victims, yeah.

Steve Coughran 14:19

And some people they just were never raised like that. Like, talk about anything. I come across a lot of people, and it's like their parents never even told them that they love them. I know never got hugged, and I'm like, that's crazy to me. It's insane because I think about you with your kids. How many times do you tell me that you love them and you're hugging on them all the time, and I'm the same wave, and it's like babies never people never had that.

Steven Ginsburg 14:42

It's so sad, it breaks my heart. And uh, we gotta hug each other, we gotta tell each other we love each other, we have to, we do. It's so healthy, it's so warranted, it's so needed. Like, we need to love each other more, hug each other more, listen to each other more. And that's again, like I love this topic. I could do days and days and days on this, and I think people want to talk about this kind of stuff. I like calling it stuff, you know, the human condition and what we're dealing with. And so much of this is why people make these choices that are contrary to feeling better. They make choices to numb out, they make choices to disengage. Don't do that, like choose clarity, choose being present. Uh, find your way to those. The feelings aren't gonna kill us. It's the drugs and alcohol that will kill us.

You Are Not Alone Reach Out

Steve Coughran 15:28

Yeah, amen, brother. And let me say something and tell me if you agree with this to the listener out there. If you feel like no one cares about you, because I've been in that spot before, right? Where it's like, I feel like I have no friends, and nobody cares about me, or you feel unloved, or you feel worthless, or whatever it is, I want you to know, and I'm I'm being dead serious about this, Steven and I, we truly love you. Even though we don't know you personally, the whole reason why we do this podcast and put all the time, the effort, you know, everything else that goes into recording this and editing it and publishing it and all this stuff, the reason why we do this is because we care about you. It's not like there's this huge financial incentive for us to do this. It's we do this because we love you, we care about you. And if you feel like nobody else in this world knows you or loves you or cares about you, and you feel completely alone, send us an email right now. Hello at restort detoxcenters.com. Share your story. We'll do our very best to respond back. We try to respond back to everybody, and we'll let you know, like we do care about you, like you are seen, you absolutely, and you always have somebody in your corner because we are your biggest fans, even though we don't know every single person who tunes into to the show personally. That's the kind of love that we're trying to extend out there to the world.

Steven Ginsburg 17:06

Amen. Uh, perfectly said, Steve. Thank you for that. Uh, I hope someday we do know them all, and I hope someday we can all come together and and talk somehow as a group. And I love, I would love it if people would reach out. A couple of different families have chosen to reach out recently, and I've been very excited. You know I have because you hear about it directly. And I've been able to engage with them, and man, it is so uplifting. It is so exciting to have some time where we can talk and where we can talk on what they're experiencing through this work. And I just want you to know like, feel free to be a part of that. There's nothing we'd love more than to hear from you. We we love you. Uh, we are for you. We are for this, and we hope to hear from you. Everyone, have a safe and sober day.