84: They're 25, They're Using, and They Live in My House

Discovering that your adult child is using drugs or alcohol while living under your roof can leave parents feeling scared, conflicted, and unsure what to do next. In this episode, we discuss how to set clear, healthy boundaries, have difficult conversations with compassion, and avoid enabling behaviors while still offering support.

We also address common fears, the impact addiction can have on the entire family, and why treatment and accountability are often more helpful than simply providing a place to stay. If you're navigating this situation, this conversation offers practical guidance and hope for moving forward.

Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery:  1-800-982-5530

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Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.

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Transcript

Marijuana And The Gateway Debate

Steven Ginsburg 0:00

On the line of a marijuana for a moment. Arguably one of the greatest gateway substances to what? Greater and higher degrees of more harmful and detrimental substance abuse and use.

Steve Coughran 0:16

This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T. Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in Sunny California. Enjoy your experience.

When A Grown Child Moves Home

Steve Coughran 0:30

Steven, so great to be back together with you today. I want to pick back up where we left off during the last episode on one point. I mentioned this idea of your 20-year-old, whether they're 25 or 28 or whatever, comes back home maybe after a short stint in college, maybe they finish college, whatever, maybe they move back into your home. Now they're using, and you don't know what to do about it. I'm sure you've run into this situation multiple times before, and I'd love to hear your insights.

Steven Ginsburg 1:00

Steve, thank you. As always, just really onto something that is people on a day-to-day basis, unfortunately, all too often are dealing with this. I am going to do a disclaimer ahead of time, and disclaimers are purposeful and useful. I am very cut and dry, uh, black and white and non-negotiable, where subjects such as these are concerned. If you have an adult child who is living under your roof and they have that blessing and privilege of being provided the roof above them through your grace and what you're choosing to give them, uh the house rules are the rules of the house. So if it's if they are participating in behavior and it is impeding them from earning, from launching, from growing, from becoming self-sustainable, the behavior has to stop, or if they have to vacate the premises. If they refuse to comply and they are continuing to conduct themselves in that manner, and you do not or you will not throw them out of your home, you are endangering your child's life.

Steve Coughran 2:06

Yep. Well, and I'm glad that you said that as a little disclaimer, because just to be clear to the audience, we're not talking about a teenager who you have legal authority over. This isn't a stranger. We're talking about a young adult who you love, yes, who's sitting under your roof, they're eating your food, they're using a shelter, right? They're while you're you're actively living there too, right? So what's tough about this situation is that the parent has responsibility, but no real control. I mean, I say that loosely because obviously to your point, you can say you're out, but they're an adult. They are. And they're yep, it just makes it more complicated. Because, like, what are you gonna do? Take their car? Well, what if they bought their car? What are you gonna do? Take their phone away, they pay for their own phone, and so it makes it more complicated. So that's what I want to try to navigate because yeah, I think the the cut and dry answer is no exceptions, zero tolerance, kick about. But then it's like, well, Steven and Steve, you don't understand my situation. That's what I want to get into.

Loving Boundaries And House Rules

Steven Ginsburg 3:14

Yeah, I love that we don't understand, so that's phenomenal. Listen, with our children as they mature in life, yes, I don't have adult children yet. I have a 16-year-old and a 14-year-old, and they're remarkable. Praise God. Uh, thanks to their mother and thanks to the Lord, uh, they're incredible kids. That being said, I have worked with and will continue to work with many families with 20-year-olds, 25-year-olds, 30-year-olds, 35-year-olds, 40-year-olds, and further. And one of the things that we are called upon as parents of adult children is we must protect our adult children from whom? From themselves. And how do we go about the business of protecting them from themselves? Well, what we do is we enable everything involving the solution and living appropriately and properly without harm or consequence. And we never enable anything that would impede their progress, their ability to launch, or their ability to be safe because we are doing them remarkably detrimental harm and keeping them from growing up, finding their way and finding their answers in life where all things are concerned.

Steve Coughran 4:24

Okay. So yeah, Brayden. Brayden's 16 years old. Yes, and great kid. He goes away to college, and you know, he he still continues to be a good kid. He's playing baseball, he's crushing it. Then he meets some friends and he starts going in an opposite direction, like the prodigal son, right? In the Bible. Next thing you know, he's knocking on your door saying, Hey dad, can I come back home to live with you? You have no idea what he's into, what he's up to. You're like, sure, that's great. He moves back into the house. Then all of a sudden, you're like, something's a little off, right? Like he's staying up pretty late at night. Sometimes I smell a little bit of skunk. He just says it's from outside. I mean, there's just some weird stuff going on in the house. Then you find out that he's using under your

Drug Tests And A Clear Ultimatum

Steve Coughran 5:10

roof.

Steven Ginsburg 5:10

Yep.

Steve Coughran 5:11

I mean, what do you do? Like, you're you're literally gonna go up to him and say, Hey Braden, pack up your stuff, you're out.

Steven Ginsburg 5:18

That's a that's a very good talking point. First, blush, am I gonna go up to him and say, Pack up your stuff, you're going out? No, I'm gonna, my discussion is gonna be this. Um first of all, I'm gonna tell him in the most loving, nurturing way. I am extremely disappointed with these choices. Let me start that. Yeah, I believe you're better than these choices. That being said, I know Christ took up the cross for me. And so therefore, I am going to extend you grace here. Here's what's gonna go on. I want all these things to stop. I want you to to agree to allow me to UA you for the next little bit. UAs can be easily had in Amazon, drugstores all over the place. Yes, he's an adult. Again, this is my house. He's under my roof. So these are my terms and conditions. I want you to abstain. Uh, I don't feel like it's of any use to you to not be abstaining. And if you're gonna agree to abstain, we're gonna move on from this and live to fight another day together through your surrender. You're not gonna agree to abstain. I love you, I'm gonna miss you, but you can't stay here. And I'm gonna be praying for your choices. So I think it is a a gradual uh building of fact-gathering, of responses, not reactions, and then finding your way to the conversations where again we start to protect our adult children from from themselves if it is warranted.

When Fear And Grief Drive Yes

Steve Coughran 6:40

Okay, because I can just hear the conversation between a couple that I I know from church, um, you know, responding to this episode. So say they're listening to this. I this is what I imagine them saying. You guys just don't understand. This is literally their situation. Three sons, one was killed in a car, or one was killed in a plane accident, tragic, next one overdosed, next one overdosed. Daughter's struggling with drugs, she needs a place to live, and they're thinking, oh my gosh, if we say no to her, we're gonna have nobody left. All our kids passed away. Like, it's way better to have her in our house using drugs than out on the street. God forbid, who knows what she's doing out there. What do you say to that?

Steven Ginsburg 7:31

I'd say two memorials is enough. And if you're gonna condone your daughter using illegal substances, you could end up with three memorials on your hand. That's exactly what I would say to that. If she needs somewhere to live, check her into a treatment center. Find an accredited facility that can help her address the trauma she's gone through through the loss of her siblings, find out what the root causes of why she's turning to drugs and alcohol instead of just something greater, a greater source for her relief. And again, step alongside her and enable the solution, not the disease. But you are going to do her more harm than good by enabling the disease and allowing her to participate in those choices while she's under your roof.

Steve Coughran 8:17

Okay, here's another devil's advocate coming your way. I love it. Even it's just marijuana. It's yeah, marijuana's legal, she does it when we go to bed, so it's not a big deal. Yeah. Um, you know, alcohol's legal too. Yeah, she's old enough to drink, so what's the big deal for having some beers in a fridge downstairs?

Marijuana Alcohol And Unmanageability

Steven Ginsburg 8:39

Hey, no big deal for me. This isn't my child, we're talking about. Marijuana is legal in almost actually everywhere. Uh, so is alcohol. But if it's detrimental and if it's causing unmanageability in my child's life, if it's if it's masking and creating a gap between them addressing the trauma that they're suffering with and suffering from, we are doing them more harm than good than enabling the behavior. And by the way, since we're on the on the line of a marijuana for a moment, arguably one of the greatest gateway substances to what? Greater and higher degrees of more harmful and detrimental substance abuse and use. Statistically, it holds up. Even nothing is more damaging and detrimental than what people go through with alcohol. Alcohol just annihilates people. But the gateway factor and facet of marijuana is unheralded. It slow rolls people right into opiates, heroin, fentanyl, cocaine, ill use and abuse, categorically almost every time when there's unmanageability presented behind the marijuana. And how would I know this? Well, how did it all start for me at 15 years old? I smoked some marijuana, and by 19 years old, 19, I was in inpatient treatment in Wickenburg, Arizona at the meadows.

Protecting Siblings Marriage And Safety

Steve Coughran 10:12

No, it's exactly right. And look, everybody has their own ways of parenting. And we're not here as expert parents telling you that we have everything figured out, so do not hear that from me or Stephen. I just I think there's like you said, it's just enablement, and there are other unintended consequences that can occur when you have a child at home, you know, using. And it's like, okay, well, what if you have other kids at home, other minor children, and they're being exposed to it? What if it's wreaking havoc on your relationship with your spouse or your partner? You're gonna let that lead to a divorce or a separation or some other problems or contention in the home. It's just not worth it. I mean, when I was three years old, my mom she kept finding bags of cocaine for my dad. He would, you know, use drugs in the in the apartment and fall between the cracks of the couches. And she eventually just said to him, Look, it's drugs for the kids. Absolutely. She chose to be a single mom of five children and take that bold, courageous path because she knew of the harmful detrimental effects of having that in our home around us, you know, you know, us being exposed to it. And she took the brave path.

Steven Ginsburg 11:30

Such an appropriate choice on your mom's part. And again, like these aren't elements to be made light of, these aren't elements to like brush off to like the fawnings of society. These are issues. What is it that is truly at the core of our being where we're hurting, where it's harmful, where we don't want to face life on life's terms? Let's get into some conversations about that and get this substance use and abuse to the side and start facing things head on. How is it that, yeah, okay, you're gonna smoke marijuana, then you're gonna drive a car, and then what? If you're smoking marijuana and you drive a car and eventually you have an accident, you kill someone, you're gonna be ending up with a vehicular homicide charge because when they draw your blood, there's gonna be marijuana on board. You're altered and you're driving. I mean, you really want to promote, permit, and promote your child smoking marijuana, your adult child, uh, as opposed to what? Getting some therapy as opposed to going for a walk, as opposed to getting out in nature, as opposed to volunteering their time. That's really a better option than any of those things amidst many others where you have better choice and better outcomes, not in this world.

Share Your Story And Closing

Steve Coughran 12:43

Yeah, absolutely agree. Well, so and if this is a struggle of yours, we'd love to hear from you. You can always email us at hello at restore detox.com. We just want to hear your story, your perspective. And maybe you agree with us, maybe you disagree with us. Uh, we welcome all types of feedback. So please shoot us an email if this is you and you want your voice to be heard. We try to answer every email and respond accordingly. Stephen, so great to be with you again today.

Steven Ginsburg 13:10

Steve, thank you for bringing up so important. Uh, the moms and dads and the families of the world, please, together, let's let's promote a better outcome, better choices, and life sustaining and life affirming paths for the people we love. We are for you. We're with you. Everyone, have a safe and sober day.