86: What Happens to a Relationship When One Person Gets Sober

Getting sober can be one of the best decisions you'll ever make, but it often comes with major changes—especially in relationships. In this conversation, we discuss what happens when one partner gets sober, how relationships evolve, and how life begins to change once the chaos of addiction is removed.

We also explore the challenges of navigating friendships, social events, and routines that revolve around drinking or drugs. Recovery communities like AA and Al-Anon can provide support, healthy boundaries, and practical tools for both partners.

Finally, we tackle common fears around sobriety, including losing relationships, identity, financial stability, or fun. Recovery is about taking the next right step, and we share practical relapse prevention strategies like meetings, sponsorship, and step work to help build a strong foundation for lasting sobriety.

Helpful Links:
Learn more about Restore Detox Centers
Filling the Void book by Steven T. Ginsburg
Overcoming the Fear and Lies of Addiction e-book
How to Love and Set Boundaries Without Enabling Addiction e-book
Call Us for Addiction Recovery:  1-800-982-5530

DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to the Addiction Recovery podcast, brought to you by Restore Detox Centers. We are dedicated to providing valuable and insightful information on addiction recovery. However, it is essential to understand that the content shared in this podcast is intended for educational purposes only. While we strive to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, we cannot guarantee its completeness or suitability for individual circumstances. The topics discussed in this podcast are based on general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or treatment.

It is important to note that the views and opinions expressed by the podcast hosts, guests, or contributors are their own and may not necessarily reflect the views of Restore Detox Centers. We strongly advise listeners to consult with qualified professionals, such as addiction counselors, therapists, or medical practitioners, before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this podcast. Please be aware that listening to this podcast does not establish a client-provider relationship with Restore Detox Centers.

Transcript

Big Book Freedom And Setup

Steven Ginsburg 0:00

It says in the big book, we are free to go where anyone else, where any man goes, we go freely because of the work we've done in our programming. That applies for husbands and wives who find this road of sobriety.

Steve Coughran 0:14

This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T. Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in Sunny, California. Enjoy your experience.

When One Partner Gets Sober

Steve Coughran 0:28

Steven, remember that movie When a Man Loves a Woman? Who is that? Yes. Andy Garcia and Maggie. Mag Ryan. Yeah. Classic, huh? That's what I want to talk to you about today, is because I imagine there's situations out there where either both people, like both partners, whether it's husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, partner, whatever, you know, situation that people find themselves in, maybe they're both engaging in drug and alcohol abuse. You know, maybe that's just part of their routine. Or maybe it's just one person and then the other person kind of becomes accustomed to it. They build a relationship around it, but then eventually one person gets sober. And that's what I want to talk about and how that affects relationships and what people can do when they find themselves in a situation.

Steven Ginsburg 1:18

Yeah, really, Steve, thank you. This is a really important topic. And so so many times in the family of origin, uh, sometimes it's the husband getting sober, sometimes it's the wife getting sober. Uh, you know, there are there are some families out there where the husband and wife are both sober. Um, and so first of all, when it's like when it when it's the wreckage phase, like the unmanageability is rearing its ugly head, there's untreated addiction and alcoholism. It's the things that we hear about, it's the things we see. That movie's a really good movie. It's a really accurate conveyance of, you know, all of it. And by the way, including the husband enabling the disease, right? You know, constantly putting her back together, taking care of her, hungover, all the things. Hey, you know, he's playing a part in it as well. When the solution starts to present itself, when sobriety begins, when the program starts and the programming starts, it's amazing. Sometimes the dynamic shift, sometimes it's very foreign to the spouse who's not suffering from the ism to have suddenly a functional husband or wife. And there's an adjustment period in that. Other times also, all that husband or wife wants is for their husband or wife to be sober, right? And suddenly when they realize what that looks like, like, hey, she or he has got to be able to go to meetings, she or he has got to be able to work with and converse with their sponsor, she or he has got to be able to have the time to work their steps. Suddenly, like that's a whole different set of adjustments. It all beats the alternative. Uh, marriages are destroyed constantly. Families are decimated by addiction and alcoholism. But make no mistake about it, in the reckoning, as we are getting towards a solution, uh, there's a phase of adjustment. And then in the actual solution part where the solution has presented itself, there's an adjustment. And by the way, this is why I am a knockdown drag out advocate. I love not al-anon, I love black belt al-anon, where husbands and wives and mothers and fathers and siblings and people can find each other and be amongst others who have family members and loved ones who are in recovery and who are in that process and they can continue to focus on the next right thing to support the solution and never to enable the disease.

Steve Coughran 3:43

Well,

Friends Built Around Using

Steve Coughran 3:44

I think it could be a real problem in some relationships and it can enable people and like perpetuate this disease that we're talking about. Because, like I remember back in the day when I was smoking pot and drinking, and I had my group of friends, just like my guy friends, and we would hang out all the time and we would do things together, and all the activities that we did eventually came back to and were centered around drugs and alcohol, right? Sure. Um, mostly for me, I didn't get into the hard drugs, but it's mostly weed or alcohol. So it'd be like, hey, let's go play basketball, and then after let's go, you know, drink some beers tonight, or hey, let's go do this, and then afterwards, let's go smoke a bowl, whatever it may be. And that kind of became the ritual of the friend group. And what's interesting is when I stopped and I got sober and I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking weed, they all disappeared. Like gone, they're gone. And I thought, oh no, we're like best friends, BFFs for life. No, like once I stepped out of that lifestyle, it was gone, it was lonely, and it's hard at first, but you know, I'm I'm so glad that I did it, and I've I've made wonderful friends um since then that's I consider true friends, right? But I can imagine for some people where they build their whole life and like their rituals are like formed around this, it's got to be really hard to get out of that because not only are they giving up something that maybe they enjoy, maybe they don't enjoy it, maybe they've already got to that that breaking point, but perhaps they enjoy some aspects of it. So they have to give that up, but then there may be a lot of fear. We're like, wow, you know, I don't want to lose my sister or my husband or my boyfriend or my best friend or whoever it may be, because they know when they get sober, the relationship's gonna change drastically. So, how do you talk people through this? Because I'm sure when they come to the restore house and you know, you're going through group or you're having one-on-ones with the people, I'm sure this comes up all the time.

Steven Ginsburg 5:52

It's a it's such an unbelievably imperative part of this whole process. And like this is tongue-in-cheek, but it's not, it's also literal. Like, don't worry about it. The only thing you need to change is everything. So, no problem there. I mean, different playgrounds, different playmates, all the things. It's just your life is gonna change entirely. First of all, you you hit it right on the head. The people you know, your besties who you're running and gunning with, they look, they no offense, they don't want to hang out with us. They're like, they have their own narrative going on now, like, oh my gosh, he's not drinking, and then I'm sitting here drinking, and then I want to smoke a joint, and he doesn't do drugs. And it's like, yeah, okay, dude, go like hang out with people who are in that lane. We we find that there is a change entirely. Can that be challenging contextually in the confines of a marriage? Certainly, or a neighborhood, certainly. Does everyone get brought to the table? Yeah, you know, you start to have community and you start to participate communally in the Alcoholics Anonymous or in the sobriety world, and you start to gather contemporaries. There's so many times where Nicole and I'll have dinners or um get-together with people that I've met in the rooms that I'm sober with. And by the way, they love it when my wife comes to the room. That's like a guest star appearance for them. I think they're much more into Nicole and they should be than they are me. But that's a beautiful part of our life. So let that journey live and you can mix and match. And friends who are for you and who are really there alongside you. We, you know, Nicole and I have friends who drink and and and we love them and they love us, and their drinking is none of my business, and my being sober is none of their business. And and I don't ever sit in judgment. If they came to me for help or they wanted to talk, I'm all for it. And you know, and we don't keep alcohol in our house. So if they want to come over here and drink, they have to bring it. Uh, and they're not gonna bring anything other than that. But but there's there's a way to it, there's a an approach to it. Certainly in the beginning, you want to be more mindful of things that would be triggering events. Certainly you want to tread lightly, and certainly you want to be on the lookout and on the prowl for things that would be triggers and and that would not sit right with someone in the early onset of sobriety. But but we're here to live. And it says in the book, Steve, it says in the big book, we are free to go where anyone else, where any man goes, we go freely because of the work we've done in our programming. That applies for husbands and wives who find this road of sobriety.

Fear Of Divorce Work And Identity

Steve Coughran 8:28

I mean, it's easy for us to talk about this on the podcast, right? And I know you and I, we try our best to avoid absolutes, right? Because in life there's no absolutes. I'm trying to put myself in somebody else's shoes here because think about marriage and the consequences that can follow if you get sober and it leads to divorce. I mean, especially if there are young kids involved, maybe it's like a financial disaster. I mean, so there's a lot of other things that can be really scary for somebody. They're thinking, if I get sober, like I'm not gonna be fun anymore. Or like, you know, and maybe maybe both people are engaged in drug and alcohol abuse, but one person's like, enough, I want to get out, but they know if they get out, I mean, that's a drastic change. I mean, it's so important. I mean, let's talk about you and your wife. Like, you guys share the same religious beliefs. Yeah. And I mean, who knows like what the future holds? But if your wife just said, Hey, I'm I'm atheist now, and you cannot use like any religious words in our home, don't speak about God or Jesus Christ to our kids, like you cannot go to church, like that would have a major impact on your marriage. I I know you love your wife, but that would be because it's instilled in you. So getting sober, like, how how do you talk somebody through that? Because it's really hard, right? It's really hard. And and maybe like even beyond this, let me just continue to riff on this. No, maybe it's I I fear I'm gonna get divorced. I fear that I can't work at the same company because everybody there, they like to do happy hours, like they know you know me as this person. So when I get sober, like it's a terrible environment to be in, or they're gonna give me a bunch of flack, whatever it may be. So it could be a job change, it may be a geographical like move. Like you have to literally move and get out of the area. I mean, there are a lot of things that can be really hard, and just one of those things, doing one of those things sober, really hard for somebody, even somebody, like I said, who's sober, right?

Steven Ginsburg 10:44

Yeah, there listen, you just drummed up like five more episodes for us. So good. Kudos, brother. Like, that's beautiful. There's validity to all of this, but again, like, you know, how do we eat an elephant? It's a bite at a time. Listen, when you strip away so all the alcohol and the drugs go by the wayside, and then you're left with the fundamental equation and ingredients of what this marriage is, or how about this? What this marriage is not. Um, there's two men that I love dearly that I have walked, and I am a Christian, and I am on the side of marriage, and I'm biblically for marriage, and both of these men who are sober, I have walked them through divorces. Why? Because their marriages were irreconcilable, and these were both sober guys. Um, you start to find out who's who and what's what when there is absolute what clarity. Right. When there's nothing clouding the filter, you're gonna find out what's going on. And that doesn't mean there's not a place to work to and from. And by the way, like, you know, I you know my background. Like I was born and raised in the timeshare industry, and then I went through a horrific relapse in the timeshare industry, and then I got sober again, and I was back in the timeshare industry. You know, the timeshare industry, people aren't doing Bible studies and like going to AA meetings, but I was and I did, and it only benefited my career. Here's where the there was a fork in the road. Sometimes if they were going off to the bar to do whatever else at a conference or whatever was going on, you know, I'd go to my room and and happily, and the next morning, like, praise God, I wasn't any better than them, but I felt better than they did. I was more productive than they were the next day. There was a clear optics for me on the objectives of why we were all there and what we were there for. And my work blossomed. So there's, you know, I believe sobriety is a superpower, a life hack. Yeah, there's gonna have to be some changes. Yeah, there's gonna be growth. Growth can hurt uh when a muscle grows, it tears and it heals and it grows. Um, this is we are developing that spiritual muscle. We are growing in the realm of what? Everything. How through sobriety. Um, but what a beautiful journey. We've got to take that risk. What's the alternative? You're gonna end up dead. Yeah, we will end up dead. So I'm with you on all of it. And I think we and I'd like you and I please like earmark some of the pages, brother. Good job. Let's get into some, let's talk about the career, let's get into some future conversations about some of these points. They're excellent, they're relevant. We have nothing to fear, we walk by faith, right? And through that faith, the solution comes. And through the footwork, the solution comes. The promises, and I'll wrap up. Sorry, you triggered me. Good job. So, you know, the promises say, and you and I trigger each other. The promises say, if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be what? We will be amazed before when? Before we're halfway through. Hey, that's a good deal. I like that. I won everything yesterday. So before I'm halfway through, I'm gonna be amazed. You're darn right I am. It's written in the promises. Yeah. Um, it's all part of the solution.

Steve Coughran 13:52

And I and I think that all makes sense. And look, you know, if I break it down and and summarize what you said, it I think it provides a clearer path. Like every everybody's situation is so nuanced, but I can imagine somebody sitting at the house in her store and they're thinking, okay, three days I leave this place in three days. Yeah. And I can imagine you sitting there talking to them, saying, walk by faith, not by fear. And look, just take the next step. Don't worry about the next year or three years, or you know, like all that stuff's gonna come. And you know, I read somewhere where it's like 80% of the stuff we worry about doesn't even come to pass. So I always try to remind myself of that because immediately my mind goes to worst case scenario oftentimes, and then looking back, I'm like, all that stuff I worried about didn't even happen, didn't even happen that way. And to your point, it's like getting sober is just gonna open up the windows of heaven, in my opinion. Amen.

Steven Ginsburg 14:49

Absolutely.

Steve Coughran 14:50

Blessings will be poured upon you, and sometimes maybe the blessing is you have to leave that company, you have to leave that high profile career or that relationship where you think you're in love, but it's really destructive to find the the next better thing, which can be scary, but good news is we don't have to figure it all out right now, today. It's just taking that next step. What's that next step? Going online, filling out the forum, saying I need help, making that call, checking yourself in, having that conversation. What is it? Like, what's the next step we need to take in our lives to get to where we need to go? I think that's the question we leave people with.

Relapse Prevention After Discharge

Steven Ginsburg 15:33

Yeah, absolutely. And I just want to touch on one more thing, and I think this is an important part. And I'm glad you brought this up. So many times when I am sitting with that individual who, in a very short amount of days, is going to discharge. And trust me, each time that's remarkable for me and miraculous and hopeful and hope-filled, but also painful for me and in some ways paternal for me, it's the foundation, it's the basics that deliver for any of us ongoing sobriety. We're all in that, we're like survivors of that sinking ship, we're all in that same boat. If they do not hit the ground running, if individuals do not hit the ground running, meetings like a 90 and 90 is a very common suggestion for launching out of our store. Finding a temporary sponsor and then finding that sponsor, getting right into the step work, right into the book, a meeting a day. If that rhythm isn't grasped and grabbed from the get-go, very, very quickly we we will see pre-lapse and then relapse. But if if we hit the ground running, and many people who, and you've met them, Steve, you've met alumni from Restore who have never looked back. We we celebrated one of our uh former team members who's also a restore alumni, celebrated three years today. She found her sponsor while she was at Restore. She went right into a 90 and 90. She worked the steps, she is of service. She's had three years of uninterrupted sobriety because the system works. The application of the process to sobriety works, but only works if what? If we work it.

Steve Coughran 17:03

Yeah, absolutely. I love it. Great message, great way to wrap things up.

Write Us And Final Thoughts

Steve Coughran 17:07

What are your opinions on this? We want to hear from you. You can always email us at hello at restore detoxcenters.com, and we'll do our best to respond to everybody that we get a message from. But yeah, we want to hear what's going on in your life, what are the things you're struggling with? What are the things that resonated with you based on what Steven and I uh spoke about in this episode or in others? Your feedback's always appreciated. And just know we're out there. We love you and we care about you, and we want to make this podcast as valuable as possible for all of our listeners.

Steven Ginsburg 17:40

You've so well said. Thank you so much. Please know this. We are for you. Uh, we just as Steve said, we want to hear from you. Everyone, have a safe and sober day.