Resentment in Relationships: What You’re Not Saying (Ep #10 - Relationship Series)

In this episode of the Relationship Series, we’re talking about the conversations you avoid, the needs you don’t express, and the stories you create about how things will go before they even happen.

Resentment doesn’t usually explode overnight. It builds quietly in the moments you felt hurt but said nothing, the boundary you didn’t set, the need you hoped they would "just know.”

We explore how suppressed truth creates distance, why pre-written stories aren’t reality, and how radical honesty with yourself is the first step toward deeper connection - in partnerships, friendships, and every relationship in your life.

✨ Reflection Questions✨ 
 • What need have I been expecting someone to meet without clearly expressing it?
 • What story have I created about how they would respond?
 • Where might I be choosing comfort over honesty?
 • What would it feel like to express my truth without trying to control the outcome? 

You don’t have to fix everything today. But you can always pause check in with yourself and the story before it turns into resentment.

Transcript

Naming The Quiet Resentments

Shannon 0:00

Welcome. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities Podcast. I'm your host, Shannon. We are continuing the relationship series today, and this one is incredibly powerful. It's about the conversations that we don't have, the needs that we don't express, and the stories we create about how things will go before they ever even happen. Have you ever done that? I have absolutely done that, which is why we're talking about it. Because I know that I cannot be the only one. This is the quiet stuff. This is the suppressed stuff. This is where resentment is born. And micro resentments come through as the things that we don't say. It's not necessarily the explosive fight that you have or the dramatic betrayal that happens. It's those tiny little micro moments where you felt hurt and didn't say anything, the boundary that you wanted to set but didn't, the need you hoped they would just know. Because we love to believe that our partners are mind readers and they're not. And so if you're not expressing what you actually need, they don't know. And then slowly and quietly things start to shift. You start to feel less connected, more guarded, more irritated, but you never actually said what was happening with you. And that resentment really starts to build because we aren't expressing our truths. Have you ever decided how a conversation was gonna go before you even had it? You like build it up in your mind, you play out what you're gonna say, how they're gonna respond, and exactly how the scenario is gonna go. And you haven't even had the conversation yet, they won't understand, they're gonna shut down, they're gonna get defensive, they won't change, they never do what I ask. Maybe that's happened to you before, and maybe there is history there. Maybe you have tried in the past to have the conversation, but maybe you're putting them in a space and freezing them in time where the person they were 10 years ago, not the person that they are right now in this moment. And so when we freeze people in who they used to be and we respond to that version instead of who they are right now in this moment, and sometimes we avoid the conversation not because we know the outcome, but because we're afraid of the outcome. There's a big difference there. Do you know the outcome actually to be true? Or are you afraid of what's going to surface as a result of this conversation? There is a huge difference there. So it actually begins with radical honesty with yourself before you even get into the conversation. Before you choose to approach your partner, ask yourself, what do I actually want here? Am I clear in what I'm needing, or am I clear that I'm just upset? You know, it's possible sometimes our partners or anybody in our life can activate something within us from our past experiences, and they don't even necessarily know that that was something that could be bothersome to you, that maybe something happened in your childhood. I mean, honestly, when we're dating or in relationships, any relationship, I mean, it's really any relationship. It's not even just partnerships. Like we are all children walking around in adult bodies and responding to traumatic experiences of our childhood where our needs weren't met. And so sometimes we'll say, I feel really disconnected. But what we mean is, I really miss you. I want more presence, I want to feel chosen, I want to feel desired, I want to feel supported. And that level of honesty requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels risky. I remember being in a relationship one time and my partner was gonna go, I don't know, he had a gathering to go to. And it was it was interesting because he wasn't actually inviting me to go with him, and I just wanted to be invited. I just wanted to know that he wanted me to be there with him, but it ended up turning into a fight because I wasn't expressing that need. But the behavior was such a like, I can take it or leave it. And so that felt hurtful to me, but he didn't recognize it. And again, we were not good communicators. But what was happening for me is that I felt like he didn't even want me there and I wasn't being chosen. And so when you are opening yourself up to being honest about how you actually feel, it can shift things because had I actually expressed that, it might have changed things. It might not have. I don't know. I can't go back in time, but what I can do now is express what my actual need is. We've talked about this before. A lot of people live in it, just is what it is. And it's not because it's not because they're apathetic. It's because it feels safer than risking the disappointment. If I don't ask, I can't be rejected. If I don't bring it up, we're not gonna fight and I'm gonna keep the peace. If I keep it smooth, things won't explode. But smooth is not the same as connected. And that suppression always has a cost. You cannot experience deep intimacy while consistently silencing yourself. And what happens is you shove it down and shove it down and shove it down, and then there is a massive explosion. And more often than not, that explosion that happens usually doesn't have anything to do with whatever the current situation is. It's just like you're it's like a ticking time bomb because you've just pushed it down and pushed it down, and then you just like erupt. A lot of the time, the fear, the fear that we're feeling isn't actually the conversation. It can also be who you'll become when you start having those conversations. If you stop overfunctioning, if you stop being the easy one, the agreeable one, if you stop swallowing your needs and actually start advocating for yourself and speaking up, that can completely change a dynamic in a relationship because the people in your world are not used to you behaving that way and speaking your truth and asking for your needs to be met. And that alone can feel destabilizing. And if you think about it, I mean, there's also the fear that comes along with what's gonna change? What's gonna change when I start doing this? When I'm being honest with myself and with my partner, could it go towards ending my relationship? Is it going to make me recognize that I've reached the expiration of this relationship and that we just aren't gonna be able to make it work anymore? I have no idea what your current situation is or what will happen. But what I do know is that when you're being honest with yourself and honest with your partner, that allows for the deeper, more intimate connections to happen. I was having a conversation with someone recently and we were talking about authenticity and speaking your truth and suppressing. And it was an interesting conversation because one of the things that they wanted to express to their partner appeared to be like sometimes when we're expressing what we feel like we need to express, you want to, you want to be your true authentic self. However, when you are expressing something that if there's something going on with your partner that is completely out of their ability to change, I would caution you about how you approach that. Because is it just going to be hurtful? Because sometimes we don't, we don't all it this is so interesting to say, because it's not that you shouldn't express how you feel and your needs, because I absolutely feel that you should. However, take a look at the lens that it's coming from, because words are powerful, right? And so sometimes the words we use can be very hurtful. And so take a look at what your intention is and what ultimately is your end goal for that conversation. I was really struggling having this conversation with this person because it was like what they were saying felt like, yes, it's something you want to get off your chest. And also it could be so incredibly hurtful to that person, and they might just say, There's nothing I can do to change this. I guess we're done. And so I said, it's really important that you look within and say, Is this something I'm willing to end my marriage over? Is this something that I'm willing to end my marriage over? Because if it's something that you really may want to take a deeper look inside to find out what actually is bothering you, because it appeared to me that what was going on with that person was deeper than and had more to do with their relationship with their self than something specific about their partner. And so you do want to be aware of how connected am I to myself and what are things that I can do to work on me. I don't like to use the word work, but can I connect more deeply to myself? And will that shift the relationship that I have with my partner? Because it truly does start with us, and we often believe it has something to do with what somebody else is doing, but most of the time you can bring it back to you. So honestly, you can't build intimacy on self-abandonment. So you do want to express how you're feeling. But like I said, you want to reconnect with you and make sure that you're not putting something on someone else that actually has to do with you. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I hope it does. It is important to give your partner an opportunity to respond. Like we talked about, sometimes we decide what someone's response is going to be based on their past behavior. And the patterns do matter, absolutely, but people also grow. And if we don't give them an opportunity to respond differently, we are removing their agency in the present moment. And sometimes the spark in the relationship doesn't come back because you did something externally. Sometimes it shifts because you finally told the truth, not dramatically, not aggressively, just honestly. And again, this is not just intimate relationships. This applies to friendships, to family, to colleagues. How many times have you felt resentment towards someone who had no idea you were even upset? They had no idea that you were even upset with them, but you were feeling frustrated and angry and resentful because you didn't either process whatever you were feeling on your own or have an honest direct conversation about whatever the situation was. That's all information. It's all information for us to take a look at. So let's go ahead and dive into our reflection questions. If it feels safe and comfortable, go ahead and soften your gaze or close your eyes and take a deep breath in. And release.com under shop. I'm not as prepared as I wanted to be. Okay, I gotta shuffle them here really quick. Okay, so today's card is oh, actually, oh, three of them came out. Well, that's interesting. Okay, the first, I'm gonna go ahead and just read all three of them. What if I fully and completely trust myself? Number two, what if I always feel loved, adored, and cherished? You know, you don't need other people in your life necessarily to help you feel loved, adored, and cherished. You can do that for yourself also. And number three, what if I'm starting to believe that I'm worthy simply because I am? Those are three very beautiful cards, and I'm glad they all came out. You know, the relationships and the people we have in our life, you want them to contribute to your happiness and your joy, but you don't want them to be responsible for it. And you have the ability to cultivate feeling loved, adored, and cherished. You have the ability to cultivate trust in yourself. You have all of this power within you. So don't give it away. Don't give it away. Okay, so the key takeaways for today I would like you to leave with are resentment grows when the truth is withheld. Stories about outcomes are not the same as reality. We gotta stop making up stories. And when you catch yourself, that's you know, it happens. I still, I still create stories sometimes, but I notice and then I stop, and then I ask myself, is this true? Is this actually true? Radical honesty truly does start with clarity inside of yourself. Suppression feels safe, but it creates distance in our relationships. You cannot experience intimacy while abandoning yourself. Expressing a need is not controlling the outcome. And something else that I want to say is that you're not becoming a completely different person overnight, and you don't have to go home and initiate the hardest conversation of your life tonight, but you can start noticing, you can start catching the moment where you go silent and you have that feeling inside of you that you're like, uh, and you start having thoughts in your mind about what you want to say, or you're rolling your eyes or feeling frustrated. Recognize the story you're writing in your head about whatever the situation is. Again, we also make up stories about the way somebody responded to us, that they must be mad at us. And what if they just really had a shitty day at work? What if they're just feeling off? You have no idea. And so stop yourself in the story and ask yourself if it's actually true. And just recognizing those stories and stopping yourself and pausing. You can pause before the resentment turns into distance. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do isn't leaving, it isn't fixing, it isn't performing connection, it's gently telling the truth. It's saying, This is what I'm feeling without accusation, without demand, without controlling the response. And this is about how am I feeling, not you made me feel, because nobody makes us feel any kind of way. We feel how we're feeling for whatever reason. And then allow your partner or whoever is on the other side, allow them the opportunity to respond. Because the connection isn't built on perfection, it's built on presence. And presence requires honesty. We don't suppress because we're weak. We suppress because at some point in our life it felt safer to do that. But if you're here listening right now, something in you is ready to create more depth in your life, not more drama, not more intensity, more truth. And that starts inside of you. We're gonna continue this conversation over the next several weeks. I have no idea how long the relationship series is gonna go. It's gonna go as long as it needs to. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for your openness. Have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.