Are You in Love With Their Potential? (Ep #11 - Relationship Series)

In this episode of the Relationship Series, we explore the difference between loving who someone is and loving who you believe they could become.

This conversation applies to romantic partnerships, friendships, and any relationship where you may be holding onto potential instead of reality. We talk about the subtle ways we outsource our happiness, the difference between safety and compatibility, and why hope cannot be your strategy.

Sometimes the hardest truth isn’t that someone is bad - it’s that they are exactly who they are. And you don’t get to decide someone else’s growth timeline.

We also explore worthiness, familiar comfort vs. alignment, and the honest question that changes everything:

If nothing changed… could you fully accept this?

✨ Reflection Questions
 • Am I in a relationship with who this person is right now — or who I believe they could become?
 • If nothing changed, could I fully accept this dynamic as it is?
 • Where might I be staying out of familiarity, fear, or guilt rather than alignment?
 • Do I truly believe I deserve the kind of partnership I say I want?

You don’t have to make any decisions today. But you can stop pretending misalignment doesn’t matter.

Transcript

Framing The Relationship Lens

Shannon 0:00

Welcome back. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities Podcast. And I'm your host, Shannon. Today we're continuing the relationship series. And this one's going to be pretty honest as they are and also reflective. It's not about telling you to leave your relationship. It's not about labeling anyone as toxic. It's about clarity. And it can apply to friendships as well as romantic relationships. I want to talk about the difference between loving who someone is and loving who you believe they could become, because those are not the same things. And sometimes one of the hardest things for us to be honest about in our relationships, it's not that someone is bad. It's that they are exactly who they are. And we don't get to decide what someone else's growth timeline is like. And you can absolutely see someone's brilliance. You can see their magnificence. You can see their intelligence, their depth, and their potential. And you can know deep within your heart and your being that they're capable of more. But that potential does not build a relationship. The consistency does, the reality does. Who they are today does. And as you all know, I believe very deeply in not outsourcing your happiness or expecting someone else to change so that you can feel fulfilled. Like that is always a no-win situation. But there's another version of us outsourcing that is a little more subtle and kind of sneaks up on us a little bit. It's staying in something that is misaligned and hoping that one day that person, your partner, your friend will become the version of themselves that you need. That is still a way of outsourcing. And hope is beautiful, but it can't be your strategy. If you're staying because when they grow or when they heal, or when they finally see it, then you're not in a relationship with who they are. You're in a relationship with who you believe they could become. And that's not judgment because we all have the ability to shift and change. That's awareness. And there's a difference between safety and compatibility. So if you're looking at safety, I can speak my mind and not be punished, but compatibility is we value growth in very similar ways. And we are wanting to build and create our life in the same direction. We have similar values. You don't need a partner who reads every single book that you read. You don't need a partner that does all the things that you're doing for your own growth and expansion. But if growth matters deeply to you, if self-awareness matters to you, if expansion matters to you, and the other person mocks it or dismisses it or completely refuses it entirely, that's not about people being right or wrong. That's about being in alignment with one another. And the alignment matters long term. And I want to share something very personal. There was a version of me that absolutely would not have left a relationship that was misaligned. And it's not because I was happy, but because I didn't believe that I deserved more. I believed I had, you know, made my bed and so I had to suck it up. I believed that my past choices meant that I didn't get to want or desire something different, something deeper. I didn't even recognize at the time that I had a choice because I was putting that limitation on myself because of those beliefs. And I lived that way for a very long time, and not just in romantic relationships, but in life because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want to be a disruptor. I didn't want to be, I didn't want to be the person that stood up and said, I want my life to be different. I didn't want to be the one who changed the dynamic. And I was miserable. And the version of me today would not stay in that. And it's not because I'm better than anyone else. It's because I'm more clear about what's important to me. And that clarity came from deeply reconnecting with myself and learning who I am and what's important to me and what I value. And so sometimes we don't stay because we love someone so much. Sometimes we stay because it's familiar. And sometimes that familiar misery and pain can feel safer than the unknown freedom that's on the other side of whatever decision you're making, especially when you've built a life together, especially when other people are involved, especially when you've invested years of your life. But the question isn't, should I leave? The question is if nothing changed, could I accept this fully? If nothing changed, will I be able to unconditionally love this person? And it's not tolerate it, not manage it, accept it because you don't get to heal someone by loving them harder. Everyone has wounds, everyone has potential, everyone has the power within themselves to shift, but that willingness matters and you can't create or manufacture willingness for someone else. So this isn't about rushing into decisions, but it's about being honest with what you're in. Are you loving who they are today, or are you waiting for them to change? Are you staying out of clarity within yourself and what you truly want and desire in your relationship? Or are you staying from fear of the unknown? These are really important questions to be honest with yourself about. So let's go ahead and move into a few reflection questions. If it feels safe and comfortable, go ahead and soften your gaze or close your eyes and take a deep breath in and release. Am I in a relationship with who this person is right now or who I believe they could become? If nothing changed, could I fully accept this dynamic as it is? Where might I be staying out of familiarity, fear, or guilt rather than alignment? Do I truly believe I deserve the kind of partnership I say that I want? And again, just notice what comes up. You don't have to make any decisions today. It's truly about being aware. All right, we're gonna go ahead and transition into the magic of what if card pull for today. I'm gonna go ahead and pull from deck number one today. It was so fascinating last week that three cards popped out. We'll see what happens today. The card for today is what if I set boundaries for myself and others with ease? What if I set boundaries with myself and others with ease? Sometimes the boundaries that we actually need to set are the ones for ourselves. And sometimes it's the boundary is with other people, but a lot of times those boundaries are for yourself and they can be related to work and they can be related to relationships, they can be related to your relationship with food, your relationship with your phone. You know, what type of boundaries could you set and could you do that with ease? So I want to go ahead and close with something pretty personal. This um this entire relationship series has been really interesting for me. I've been single for a very long time, and I have genuinely and deeply loved this chapter. I've grown, I've healed, and I've learned how to be with myself in ways I didn't know how to before. And at the same time, I feel like I'm ready and opening myself up to the possibility of being in a partnership again, which means these conversations are not abstract for me. And still, these conversations have activated things for me in several ways. They still bring up old patterns, they still invite me to check in with my body and ask, you know, what do I actually want right now? And what I've realized is that I was in a relationship before where the person would refer to my personal growth desire as self-help bullshit. And so I know that that openness and even slight interest in that growth is important to me. It's not about finding someone perfect because honestly, no one is perfect. It's not about demanding growth from someone. It's not about trying to shape someone into who I believe they could be. It's about being honest about who they are and what they value and being honest about who I am. It's about recognizing I have a choice and that I deserve to choose from clarity, not guilt, not fear, not obligation, not from other people's opinions. You don't have to make any big decisions today, but you can stop lying to yourself. You can stop pretending that misalignment doesn't matter. You can stop believing that your past choices disqualify you from wanting something different or deserving something different. Growth doesn't make you superior, it makes you more clear. And that clarity is kind and loving. So I'd like to go over a few key takeaways. Loving someone's potential is not the same as loving who they are today. Safety and compatibility are different and both matter. You cannot heal someone by loving them harder. Familiarity can feel safe, but it doesn't always mean aligned. You always have a choice, even if you didn't recognize it before. You deserve to choose partnership from clarity, not from guilt or fear. These are really important topics that I feel like get pushed aside. And I know that it's not easy to be honest with yourself and to potentially make changes in your life. But one thing that I have recognized in the last year since I left my job and took this big leap is that I'm living in the present moment. I'm doing things that feel scary and incredibly uncomfortable. And I want to live the most joyful, fun life and be of service to others and do the things that fill my heart and soul. And if I wasn't willing to get uncomfortable and step into the unknown, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. And I am very thankful for where I'm at in this moment and for all of my past experiences because they've all led me here. All of those relationships have brought me to where I'm at today. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your openness and willingness to explore these deep layers with me. Have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.