Perfectionism Is Keeping You Stuck (Relationship Series Ep #21)

What if perfectionism isn’t actually about getting things right… but about fear?

In this episode, I explore the pressure so many of us feel to have it all figured out and how easy it is to look at other people’s lives and assume things come naturally or easily for them. But the truth is, no one has a perfect life. We all move through fear, uncertainty, discomfort, mistakes, and moments of self-doubt.

We talk about the fear underneath perfectionism, how waiting for the “right time” keeps people stuck, and why confidence is something that’s built through aligned action - not before it. I also share how perfectionism often comes from wanting approval, avoiding judgment, and trying not to disappoint people.

This episode is a reminder that you don’t need to do life perfectly in order to move forward. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is take the next small step… even if it’s messy.

✨ Reflection Questions ✨ 

Where is perfectionism keeping me stuck right now?

What am I afraid might happen if I just go for it?

What small step would I take if I allowed myself to do it imperfectly?

You don’t need to have everything figured out before you begin.  Confidence is built by taking the step before you feel fully ready.

Transcript

The Myth Of Having It Together

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome or welcome back. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities podcast, and I'm your host, Shannon. After the last episode, You're Not Doing It Wrong, I found myself thinking about how often we look at other people's lives and we just kind of assume that they have it all figured out, whether it's through social media, people we know personally, teachers, mentors, people we admire. What we're actually seeing is what they're choosing to share. And we assume that they don't have any problems, that things come very easily for them, that they're naturally confident, that they have the perfect relationship, the perfect life, the perfect business. And the truth is, honestly, nobody has a perfect life, not even the people that seem the most grounded, successful, confident, or healed, because we all have things that come up. And that was a huge realization for me because I used to look at other people and go, wow, they really have it all together. And as I've been moving through my journey, I've realized that we all move through fear, uncertainty, hard moments, discomfort, insecurities, all of that is part of our human experience. And I think sometimes we forget that because we compare someone else's outside to our inside and what's happening for us. And it's all about the lens in which you're looking at your life and other people's lives. And it can start to feel like we're the only ones struggling. We're the only ones having a hard time. I have people say to me all the time, Oh, that looks so easy for you. And sometimes I laugh to myself because there are moments where I am completely terrified, moments where I'm uncomfortable, moments where I'm doubting myself, moments where I have absolutely no idea how something is going to turn out. I just don't let it stop me as often anymore because what I've learned is that confidence doesn't usually come before the action. Confidence comes after you take the aligned action. It comes from doing the thing, practicing, learning, allowing yourself to be imperfect while you figure it out. And that's what I want to talk about today: perfectionism. I think that perfectionism is one of the most normalized coping mechanisms out there. We praise it, we reward it, call it ambition, responsibility, having high standards. But underneath perfectionism is often fear, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of disappointing people, fear of making the wrong decision not being enough. And what's truly interesting is that perfectionism can actually look really productive on the outside because you're planning and you're researching and you're preparing and you're thinking about something constantly. But underneath all of that, sometimes you're just scared to make a move or you're afraid of what other people are going to think. I know that in the in the coaching industry, a lot of newer coaches want to feel like they have it all together because who's going to want to learn from somebody that hasn't figured all of their shit out? Well, I mean, honestly, wouldn't you want to have a coach that's like real and authentic and saying, hey, I go through it too? Like nothing is perfect. And a lot of people are waiting for the right time. You get to that, well, I'll do it when this happens. I'll do it when I'm more ready. I'll do it when I have more confidence, when the timing is better, when everything feels aligned. But if you wait for the timing to be perfect, you're going to be waiting forever because life doesn't really work that way. There will always be uncertainty, discomfort, unknown. And if you need certainty before you make a move, you can end up staying stuck for a very, very long time, if not your entire life. And this is something that I've had a lot of experience with in my own life and in my business. Confidence comes from taking a line to action, not from endlessly thinking about it, not from over-preparing, not from waiting until you're no longer scared. Our confidence is built through repetition, experience, practice, movement, and honestly, through doing it messy. I mean, if you go back to like my first episodes of the podcast, I had no idea what I was doing. And now, here two and a half years later, things have shifted for me. I feel more confident. I know what I'm doing, but I didn't know then. But if I hadn't made the move and just did it messy just to do it, I wouldn't have ever known that I would be capable of doing this. Because if you wait until you feel fully confident before you begin, you may never begin. And perfectionism keeps people stuck in so many different ways. Not posting the thing, not starting the business, not speaking up, not having that difficult conversation, not trying something new, not leaving the relationship that you're miserable in, not setting the boundary. Because what if you fail? What if you disappoint someone? What if you just what if you look stupid? What if people will judge you? What if it doesn't work out? And underneath all of that is fear. It is fear and it keeps you trapped and stuck and not moving forward with your life. And honestly, I believe that one of the deepest fears underneath perfectionism is disappointing people, wanting people to approve of you. You want people to understand your choices and validate the decisions that you're making and be happy with you. But the truth is, you are going to disappoint people. People are going to disappoint you. You're very likely going to disappoint yourself. And it's not that we're doing this intentionally and it doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes it simply means that you're choosing yourself or that you've changed or you grew and you needed something different. And not everyone is going to understand that, but knowing that it's normal. It's normal to disappoint people. It's normal. It it's just, it's part of us living our life. And a lot of perfectionism is actually trying to avoid discomfort. If I do it perfectly, say it perfectly, handle it perfectly, then maybe no one's gonna judge me. Maybe nothing will go wrong. Maybe I won't fail. I won't get hurt. But life is messy and people are messy. Growth is messy. Some of the greatest lessons that I have learned is from screwing things up or making a mistake and learning the lesson that helped me do it better or different the next time. And truly learning to move forward anyway is incredibly powerful. I also believe that social media has really amplified this in a lot of ways because we're constantly seeing polished versions of people's lives. And we also tend to get into like imposter syndrome. And if we're not careful, we start assuming that everyone else has confidence all the time, knows exactly what they're doing, has it all figured out. And it's simply not true. No one has the perfect life. Even the greatest gurus that you're learning from, no one. And even the people that seem the most successful, whatever success means, I mean, you get to define what success means for you. People still have struggles, fears, insecurities, and things that they're working through. So maybe this episode is your permission slip to stop waiting for perfect, to stop thinking that you need to have all of the answers, that you need complete certainty, that you need to have the confidence first, the perfect timing to have all of those things before you move forward because you learn by doing. I always hear people say, well, you had to learn how to crawl before you could walk. And you grow by living and doing and being. And sometimes the most aligned thing that you can do is take the next small step, even if it's messy. We're gonna move into the reflection questions. If it feels comfortable and safe to do so, go ahead and take a deep breath in and release. Where is perfectionism keeping me stuck right now? What am I afraid might happen if I just go for it? And what small step would I take if I allowed myself to do it imperfectly? Just notice what comes up. I was talking with someone recently, or maybe it was in the podcasting community, and we often think that when we do something, people are gonna judge it. And most of the time, honestly, people aren't really paying attention to what we're doing as often as we think they are. And so taking that small step toward whatever it is that you're wanting to do. And even when you do it imperfectly, even when you do it messy, the pride that you get from just taking this step, even if it doesn't necessarily turn out the way you wanted or the way you expected, the confidence really starts to come through and the pride in yourself that you that you did it. And that's what matters. That's what matters is building your own confidence and believing in yourself because we're the ones that stop ourselves. And so when you when you take that step, you start to build your confidence. And as you start to build your confidence, you start believing in yourself more. And so then you realize that you don't have to do things perfectly, that you can just try and test things and see what works and see what doesn't. And it really helps you to move forward with your life and trying things out. And you're gonna find that some of the things that you try, you're like, nope, that doesn't work for me. That doesn't feel good. I don't want to do that. And that's okay. But don't allow the perfectionism to stop you. All right, we're gonna go ahead and wrap things up with a card pull from the Magic of What If Card Deck, Volume 2. They are available on my website, purepossibilitiespodcast.com. And let's see what the energy is for the cards today. What if I practice being void of judgment of myself and others? I love these cards and I love how they always seem to be aligned with what I'm talking about. Because if you practice being void of judgment of yourself and others, perfectionism isn't gonna be a thing for you. It really reduces the need to feel like you have to do everything perfectly and just reminding yourself that you don't have to have everything figured out before you begin. And it's okay to practice and play and have fun and try new things, and it doesn't have to be perfect because honestly, no one is perfect. And the sooner you can realize the truth behind that, you'll realize that it's very freeing. That we're all here trying our best, trying to live the best life that we can, and we get to create that. And we're gonna make mistakes, we're gonna screw things up, we're gonna disappoint people. And it happens. It happens most of the time. It's not intentional. People aren't generally out there really trying to hurt other people or intentionally trying to disappoint people. Just remember, you don't need to have everything figured out before you begin. You don't need perfect timing, and you don't need to do this perfectly in order for it to matter. That confidence is built by taking this step before you feel ready. And sometimes the most freeing thing you can do is just allow yourself to be human. We all make mistakes. None of us do things perfectly the first time. And when you take those steps, you're also giving other people permission to do the same, to just be human. Because we're just all doing our best, and that's what matters. Thank you so much for being here. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.