What If You Already Know? (Ep #28 Relationship Series)

How often do you look outside of yourself for the answer?

Maybe you've asked everyone around you for advice, made a pros and cons list, or waited for the certainty that never seems to come.

In this episode, I'm exploring what it means to trust yourself, why we often wait for evidence before making a decision, and how the evidence we're looking for is often created after we choose.

Instead of reflection questions this week, I'm inviting you to try a simple practice:

✨ Write each option you're considering on a separate piece of paper.

✨ Crumple them up and mix them together.

✨ Connect with your head and heart by placing your hand on your heart, close eyes if comfortable, and breathe. 

✨ Choose one.

✨ Before you decide whether you'll actually follow it, notice your body's response.

Did you feel relief? Excitement? Disappointment? Did you immediately want to choose again?

The paper isn't making the decision for you. It's simply helping you notice what may have already been there.  And notice if you feel pulled to pick again because you were hoping that you'd pick something else.  That's also information.  

As always, we'll wrap up with a card pull from the Magic of What If™ deck and an invitation to pause, notice, get curious, and trust yourself just a little bit more. ❤️

Transcript

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Welcome And The Decision Spiral

Shannon 0:00

Welcome or welcome back. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities podcast. I'm your host, Shannon, and this is a space to pause, notice, reconnect, and explore what's possible. Have you ever found yourself stuck when you're trying to make a decision? Maybe you've made a pros and cons list. Maybe you've asked your partner or your best friend, your family, or honestly anyone who will listen what they think that you should do. Maybe you've replayed every possible outcome in your mind, hoping that eventually one answer is going to feel like the obvious choice. Maybe you've even told yourself, I just need a little more time, I need a little more information, I need to be certain before I make the move or do the thing. And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with gathering information or asking for advice, I wonder if sometimes we spend so much time looking outside of ourselves for the answer that we stop listening to ourselves altogether. Because what if you already know? Not every detail, not exactly how it's going to turn out, but maybe you already know which direction feels the most true for you. I think one of the reasons decisions can feel so incredibly difficult is because we're looking for the proof before we want to make the move. We want evidence that we're making the right decision, evidence that we're going to succeed, evidence that we won't regret it, evidence that everything is going to work out exactly the way we hoped. But the challenge in that is that most of the evidence doesn't exist yet because it gets created after we decide, after we make the move, not before. We end up looking for evidence that comes from our past history and experiences instead of allowing ourselves to choose from possibility.

Why Proof Comes After The Choice

Shannon 2:08

Many of us have learned along the way somewhere to trust everyone else's opinion more than our own. We ask, what would you do? What do you think? Which one should I choose? And while that advice can be really valuable, eventually there comes a point where no one else has to live your life. I know that I went through a period, and this was completely subconscious because I wasn't intentionally doing it, but there was a time where I was seeking opinions from other people so much, and I had become so dependent on their opinions that it was almost like I didn't have to take responsibility for the outcome of whatever the decision was. Like I could blame them if it didn't work out, or maybe not even blame them necessarily, but let myself off the hook because I wasn't the one that made the decision, because I wasn't taking that personal responsibility. I was seeking other people's opinion so much that I honestly lost my own voice. But eventually there comes a point where no one else has to live your life. It's your life. And so no one else lives with the consequences of whatever that decision is. And no one else gets to decide what feels right for you. Sometimes we're waiting for someone else to give us permission to choose something that we've already chosen in our heart. One thing that I have learned over the years is that trusting yourself doesn't mean that you're certain. It doesn't mean that you know exactly how everything's gonna unfold. It simply means that you're willing to move forward without needing every answer first. Because let's be real, life rarely gives us that kind of certainty. We don't ever really know how anything is gonna turn out. If we knew it wouldn't require us to trust, and trust in ourselves, trust in our higher power, and you would actually know the answer to everything. And where's the fun in that? That's part of the journey is the uncertainty. That's actually part of the fun. When we're facing something new, our mind tends to focus on the fact that we've never done it before and it's trying to protect you. I've never started a business, I've never spoken in front of a group, I've never ended a relationship, I've never, I've never, I've never, and the list can go on and on. But what if you looked at it from a different perspective? What if instead of looking for the evidence that you can't do it, you started looking for the evidence that you can and started believing in yourself that you can do it instead of allowing that fear of the unknown and the uncertainty to take over? You trust, think about your life. How many things have you already done that once felt impossible or you had never done before? And maybe it took a little bit of practice, but you did it and you got better? How many times have you figured something out that you didn't know how to do? What if that evidence is already there? What if it already exists? You might just be looking in the wrong place. And so, what if you pause and take a step back and say, when was a time that maybe I did go speak on a stage, or maybe I did have an uncomfortable conversation, or maybe I did end a relationship, or maybe I did do the brave thing and ask the person out. Where in your life could you look for evidence that it's true rather than going down the path that it's not possible, I've never done it before, it's not gonna work out. Because I believe that we can find the evidence. It's kind of like you had to learn how to crawl before you could walk. That alone is evidence that you're capable of doing anything because you didn't know how to walk, right? I know that seems like a very simplistic way to look at it, but it's true. And so instead of focusing on, I can't do this, I don't know how, I've never done it, what if you shifted the lens to be, I haven't done this before, but what if I, what if I gave it a shot? What's the worst that could happen? Maybe somebody rejects you. Maybe you don't get the job that you wanted, maybe whatever the situation is, maybe you don't get what you want, but at least you tried and you

Taking Responsibility For Your Life

Shannon 6:52

put yourself out there. A really good example of this is when I was leaving my job, as I've mentioned, there were several reasons why I left. But one of them was I didn't want to let myself off the hook. I didn't want to keep telling myself that I want to have a business and I want to help people and I want to be of service to others. And I was so stretched thin by all the things I was doing, the podcast, I was trying to start up my business, and I was working full-time. And I knew that if I continue down that path, it was incredibly unhealthy for me because I was stretched so thin. And also, how would I know? How would I know if I could really do it if I kept setting myself up to not have the time and space to create, to serve, to go all in on myself? How would I know if I just kept going down the same path that I was going because I knew I actually had this conversation with myself that if the business didn't work out, then I would actually have an excuse. I would have a reason. I'd say, well, the business didn't work out because I was working full time and I didn't have the time and energy to put into it. So that's why it failed. That's why it failed. When in fact, what if I go all in? What if I go all in on myself? What if I go all in on the gifts that I know that I have? What if I go all in and trust that because I'm so called to do this, that I have such a desire to be of service, to help people change their lives and live the lives that they actually want to be living? What if I'm so passionate about that? And that desire would not have been placed within me if it wasn't meant to be. And so, what if I set myself up to actually be successful? And if for some reason it doesn't work out, then I know that I went all in and I wasn't letting myself off the hook. I wasn't gonna be able to use any other excuses or reasons, whatever you want to say, because I did go all in and I made the decision that this is what I'm gonna do. This is what I want to do, this is what I'm passionate about, this is where my heart and soul are being called to because the other path started to feel so incredibly out of alignment and integrity with myself that it just didn't feel good. And there was no longer any coherence between my head and my heart, and I would feel it in my body on a regular basis. And I'm not necessarily going to say that it's because I had changed, but I was more connected to myself, and I no longer wanted to do things that didn't feel good for me. I mean, I guess to some degree I had changed, and I was starting to remember who I actually am and what I meant to do while I'm here in this moment. And sometimes we do have to make the scary decision to do something. And maybe something you're deciding on isn't even a big scary decision. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, but how often are you asking for other people's opinions rather than making the decision on your own or doing that final double check-in? When I left my job, there were very few people that I told that I was doing that because I didn't want other people's opinions to influence the decision that I was making. And I know that sometimes we do that. We may not mean to, but we do. And so I kept it pretty close to my heart until I was ready to announce it to people. But the key here is check in with yourself. What is it that you actually want? What is it that you truly desire? If there were no limitations, what would I do? What would I want? How do I want to feel? How do I want to move through my day? How do I want to live my life? Not the life that other people expect of me, but my life. How do I want to show up for myself every day? What's the life that I could create that would feel good to me and not just look good on the outside, but feel good on the inside.

A Body Based Decision Practice

Shannon 11:40

This week, we are gonna do something a little bit different. We're not gonna do reflection questions. What I would like to invite you to do is grab a piece of paper and you can cut it up, tear it up, whatever you want to do. But we're going to take something that you feel stuck on. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but something that's been pondering in your mind that you feel like you want some help making a decision on. So go ahead and pause me if you need to, or you can come back to this. But it can be two smallest pieces of scrap paper or three. It just depends on if you have two or three things that you're trying to choose between. I am going to write down three different things that I am feeling a little bit iffy about, unsure, but I just feel like I could use some help from myself. So we're going to take the pieces of paper and we're going to crumple them up in our hands. And then we want to connect with ourselves. We want to connect our mind and our heart. So go ahead if it's comfortable to put your hand on your heart. I have my pieces of paper in my hand. Put my hand on my heart, and I'm holding my papers up against my chest, and I'm going to close my eyes. You can close your eyes or soften your gaze if it's safe to do so. And take a slow deep breath in, hold and release. Before we pick one of the papers, what I want you to do is to notice when you read whatever is written down, I want you to notice how it feels in your body. This practice isn't to necessarily do whatever it is that's written on your piece of paper. I don't let pieces of paper decide my fate and destiny. The intention is to notice how your body responds to whatever the choice is that you select. How does it feel in your body? Do you feel excited? Do you feel relieved? Do you feel disappointed? Do you feel a yucky sensation in your stomach? Or do you feel like a hell yes? Or do you immediately think, nope, that's not it? I'm gonna go ahead and mix mine up. I usually like to close my eyes and you can toss them out in front of you, you can just drop them in front of you, and then go ahead and pick. And so I am this is definitely a no for me. And I notice my stomach contract and it's kind of like an ick. Like, nope, that is definitely a no for me. But the other thing I want you to notice is are you feeling the desire or the pull to do it again so that you get a different answer? Because you feel like you want to go with whatever it is that you pick. So that is also information because what's that's telling you is that you actually do know the answer to whatever choice it is or whatever decision it is that you're making. Because if you're wanting it to be something other than what it was, that's information for you. This is just kind of a fun and playful practice that I do from time to time. And I get a fun energy when I do it. And what I really want you to pay attention to is noticing how your body responds to whatever that decision is, because there is so much truth and wisdom in your body. It knows, it knows what you desire, it knows the answers to all the questions that you're asking. But it's our mind that starts taking us down a path, trying to talk us out of whatever it is that our heart and soul actually truly desire. We know what we want, but it's a matter of whether we're in a space to be open and honest with ourselves. I say this all the time: you can lie to other people, but you really truly can't lie to yourself. I mean, you can, but when you lie to yourself, you're gonna still continue to feel stuck, to not feel good, because you're being dishonest with yourself about what you truly desire. And maybe you don't know exactly how something specifically looks, but there's things that you know. You know if you're unhappy in your relationship, you know if you're unhappy with yourself and your body, you know if you don't like your job, you know, like you know these things. And also when you admit to yourself what it is that you do actually know, that opens you up to remembering that you have the power of choice, that you always get to choose. If you're miserable in your job and you hate it, you can always go and get another job. You can. You're choosing to stay. If you're unhappy in your relationship, you could choose to have the difficult conversation and try to work through whatever the situation is in your relationship, or you could decide that you're just no longer aligned. I do, however, believe that you take yourself with you wherever you go, whether you're changing your job, whether you're leaving your relationship, or you're moving. And so cultivating that relationship with yourself is one of the absolute most important things. The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation of every single relationship that you have. You don't have to do whatever it says on a piece of paper, but pay attention. Pay attention to the ick. If you get an icky feeling, if you get a oh hell yes feeling, those are the things that you want to pay attention to.

Authenticity Inspires Others

Shannon 17:33

All right, we're gonna go ahead and pull a card from the magic of what if deck. We're gonna do volume two today. The decks are available on my website, purepossibilitiespodcast.com, if you'd like to get your own. Right. Today's message. What if I inspire others just by being me? I feel like I've pulled this card a lot recently. What if I inspire others just by being me? And that means being you, being in your full authenticity, speaking up for what you want, need, and desire. And when you do that, you are extending an invitation to everyone else that's in your world to do the same. I know I genuinely surround myself with people that are their true selves. And I know that when I show up in my relationships as my true authentic self, I'm not trying to please people. I'm not trying to walk on eggshells around people, I'm just me. And that invites the people that I connect with to also do the same because that's what I want. I don't want to have relationships with people where they're putting on this mask and pretending to be somebody that they're not. I want the real you. I want the real you. You inspire others just by being yourself. Life will continue to present us with decisions that don't come with guarantees. And while it's okay to gather information and maybe check in with what somebody thinks, make sure that you're including yourself in those conversations and trusting that you really do actually know what you want. Maybe this is something as simple as dinner. Maybe you do the practice. I do that sometimes. Like if I'm not sure where I want to go, or even you can use this for fun things. You can use it for going to dinner, or there's a couple of different activities maybe you want to go do, but you and whoever you're with, maybe you're undecided. Write it down and pick that way. It's really fun. It's really fun and it brings along a good energy. I invite you to pause, notice, get curious, because while it's okay to seek information and opinions from other people, ultimately you do know and it's your life that you're living, and nobody else is going to live with whatever. I don't want to say consequences because it's not always bad. The results, the outcome. Other people won't be living with the outcome of whatever the decision is. And sometimes we're just scared to make the decision because it's unknown and it might be a little bit uncomfortable for a little while. So pause, notice, get curious, because maybe the answer isn't something that you have to find. Maybe it's something you've been trying to give yourself permission to trust.

Listener Messages And Sharing

Shannon 20:34

If today's conversation brought something up for you, I would love to hear from you. At the top of the show description, there is a link where you can send me a text message or even leave me a voicemail, which is super fun. Or if you have a question, a story, or topic you'd love to hear discussed on the podcast, go ahead and send it my way. I can't respond directly there, but your message may become part of a future episode. And if someone came to mind while you're listening today, would you please share the episode with them? The podcast continues to grow because of people sharing the episodes and the messages. And I want to impact as many people as I can because we really do truly have the ability to shift our life if we decide to. Thank you so much for being here. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.