Spoke in Class Today
Travel this journey with me as we fly through space on this magnificent rock. There is going to be laughter, silliness, tears, and rants. I plan to get some interviews done as well. I am interested in learning about all sorts of different things and sharing my experience. There will be music to listen to as well. As an avid listener and lover of all genres of music, I want to share my love for the musical arts and comedy. So join along and lend me your ear, as I walk through this next journey.
Spoke in Class Today
Episode - 21: Confronting Choices and Chasing Purpose
What if the pursuit of happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be? As I wrestle with the realities of post-holiday life, I share a personal narrative filled with both vulnerability and resilience. From the liberating days of running my own valet parking company to confronting the aftermath of choices that led to jail time and a failed marriage, this episode peels back the layers of societal pressures and material desires. As I stand on the brink of losing my home, I open up about my longing for simplicity and my struggle to make meaningful connections, even when it feels like I'm speaking into the void.
Join me on this raw journey toward an uncertain future as I ponder whether this new path might finally lead me to my true purpose. Reflecting on the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead, I share my candid thoughts and the internal conflicts that accompany them. With a blend of hope, dark humor, and unfiltered honesty, this episode captures the essence of navigating life's unpredictable twists, leaving you with a heartfelt and blunt farewell that invites reflection on your own life's journey.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Speaker 2:Hello, hello, hello, hello. It's after Christmas. After the holidays I've been in hiding. I've uh, this isn't. This isn't a uh, a cry for help. This is just me being me and sharing who I am and hopefully, you know, maybe, whatever it is that I say, it may not mean shit, but maybe it me it helps somebody else that's going through whatever. I'm trying to figure it out, everybody else is trying to figure it out. I'm trying to wonder why my fucking microphone keeps making a noise, but I'm getting a new one, so it's coming.
Speaker 2:Man, I've been doing a lot of contemplating and thinking here lately about life and just trying to figure it out. I have always hated working, just hated it, hated having to do something that wasn't what I wanted to do, just to make money, and I know money is what we need. Allegedly it's just fucking just to make money. And I know money is what we need. Allegedly it's this fucking, vicious, evil, demeaning thing that you, just everybody, needs to have to survive. But I'm tired of it.
Speaker 2:I'm tired of struggling to try to figure out what to do, tired of just, um, trying to find what I want to do with life, for a career, to make money, so I can enjoy life. Yeah, I made bad choices. We all make bad choices. I had outside issues that caused other things, no more, no less than anybody else. But I've just been in this fucking rut, struggling lately with everything, and I go through these lows just to come back. I burn out, I figure out, hopefully, maybe a path, and I don't know if it's the right path, if it's the wrong path or whatever, but I'm going to follow it as much as I possibly can.
Speaker 2:I go down all these fucking paths and I try to figure out which way is the way without failure. But I seem to always kind of fail, and I don't know if it's just the luck of my fucking cards that I drew for life or if it's a self-inflicting thing that I do inflicting thing that I do but I've always struggled with depression.
Speaker 2:Ever, since I was a kid I can't remember if I've talked about this before or not I always struggle with depression and I've always tried to I, I guess stay away from I don't know. I don't know what I'm fucking saying. I don't Well the reason. What has kind of brought me back to this tonight or today, tomorrow, whatever day it is it's the 27th for me which tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. For those that don't know or don't care, whatever fuck off. I've been traveling trying to figure out this next path in my life and, as much as I enjoy living in the house that I'm in, it was too much, too much for me, too much for my lifestyle, too much for what I, you know, want to do. I mean, I go back to when I was younger, when I was in my 20s and I had an opportunity to take over and run a valet parking company and I enjoyed life because I was free.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had to work, but I worked just a minimal amount to get by, to pay for what it is that I needed to pay for. I was living. I mean, I was living at home with my parents. But that was an unfortunate issue because of what happened to me and I just hadn't gotten to a point to where I wanted to get back out. I moved out when I was young. I moved out when I was 19.
Speaker 2:Not that that's any bigger than anybody else, but I tried to go to school. I tried to do that, but I partied too much. I got too heavy into doing fun shit and the fun shit just didn't want to ever stop. I didn't want to let it go. I wanted to continue it and I tried to balance it out with life and work and family and whatever. Out with life and work and family and whatever, and the fun shit would overtake, it would become too much, it would drag me away, it would cause me to go to jail, to lose a marriage in a sense, more to that. But that was probably a good part of a crush of what was going on.
Speaker 2:There was a lot of things that were in factor back then. I mean, fuck, we were young, broke, clueless as to what was going on with life, and we're trying to start a fucking family and it just didn't work. So, whatever, doesn't matter, fuck off. But it has put me through this path of trying to chase whatever it is that I need to be doing, or want to be doing, or should be doing or could be doing, and I've tried so many different ideas, I've tried so many different fucking things and I'm just I'm lost, just lost.
Speaker 2:I mean, there are certain things that I love to do. This is one thing I love to talk, but I don't have anybody to talk to. So I may sound crazy, I may sound whatever, but talk Just to talk, I mean just to have stupid silly conversation, just to sit down and just be like what the fuck are we doing? What is this life all about? What is the whole purpose of it all? Why do we have to have these desires for fucking stuff? Why do we hang on to things? Why do we not let go? Why do we do all the things that we do as a fucking species?
Speaker 2:So part of what I'm trying to get to is I am in probably the I don't know how many times of about to lose my fucking house. I gotta get this done before I don't get anything, and I've been just trying to figure out like how I was gonna live, how I was gonna do it, how I was gonna just get it all going, and I've got everything that I need. I don't need anything else. I don't need a big house, I need to. I don't need anything else. I don't need a big house, I need to be out with just the environment. So I was given an opportunity and I think I've said this before, but I'm hoping that it's still a valid thing. If not, I will search a different route of doing this. But I'm going to sell my house, get what I can for it. Hopefully I can get a little bit more time to finish some things, to increase the value a little bit more.
Speaker 2:But to be able to walk away with something to get me moving in a better, quicker, so I'm not having to really really have to push through this. But I'm going to buy some land and it's something that I've wanted to do for forever and I just never could figure out how. And over the course of this low of with the, you know my disconnect from the holidays I mean I haven't done anything for for you know for much for holiday.
Speaker 2:I mean Thanksgiving was, eh. I mean it's just. I'm just not in the spirit, I'm not in that realm of but.
Speaker 1:I want to get there.
Speaker 2:And I've got to find this within myself to do it. So enough about my shit. But you know, we all go through shit, we all go through troubles, we all go through thoughts. You know, maybe whatever this is that I'm doing is going to help somebody else out there in some way. I'm not an expert at anything. I have not spent more than a few years doing particular, you know, one particular thing. So I'm not good at any of it. I'm not good. I can't sit here and say that we need to do this, this, this for health-wise, you know, or I'm, you know whatever. I just like to dabble with any little thing that I have interest in, but I've never been able to figure out. You know, I was never an outgoing person. I'm not, you know. I'm not like I feel that to be in that space of, you know, being in front of a camera or trying to have a million followers or whatever it is, I just never wanted to get that much attention, I guess.
Speaker 2:But here I am doing this the irony of it all. So I am attempting to try to get this all figured out and if this makes me money, it makes me money. You know this isn't my intention, I'm not trying to strive for that. I want to maybe help other people kind of see a different side of what life could be. I guess I don't know what it's going to be. I don't know what it's gonna be. I don't know what it's gonna bring, but I'm ready to step over that, that crack in the road, I guess, or that creek, whatever.
Speaker 2:I'm ready to take that first step towards this part of my next chapter of life. I've, you know, added to it's the next story of this next chapter, I guess, or whatever you know. And then hopefully, by doing this, it'll allow me to open my eyes, to being able to kind of disconnect a little bit more and really just kind of not have to worry about how the fuck I'm going to pay my bills, how the fuck am I going to do this, how am I going to afford to eat this week? So I'm going to put a lot on my own shoulders by doing it, but you know what else have I not put on my own shoulders over the course of my 49 years?
Speaker 1:Sorry.
Speaker 2:I just the OJs, the Blacks and Blacks Blackstabbers, sorry, yeah, oh, the OJs, the Blackstabbers, sorry. But so my attempt is going to be buying a parcel of land, is going to be buying a parcel of land and just kind of minimalizing my life. I have more than what I need for tools. I have more than what I need for knowledge and skills for the course of my life to be able to do it. My thing is, is my body going to be able to withstand it? That's my problem.
Speaker 2:So I haven't talked to him yet. I'm going to enter or kind of have a conversation with him and see if he's up for doing this to maybe give him a little path in life, because I know that he's lost as well. But my son Camden, you know he's 19 and he's he's clueless as well and I haven't been able to give him much guidance because I've been trying to figure it out also, although I've told him I said you just got to find something that you enjoy and figure out how to make money doing it. So maybe if I can talk him into it, because he's hinted here and there that he wants to, you know, do something with his hands or whatever, and maybe this could be it Do something with his hands or whatever, and maybe this could be it. Show him a different way of not having to stress over having cash, having to have money all the time.
Speaker 2:And not go through the struggles that I went through of trying to figure out life. So I don't know, but this will include me doing this stupid shit, still you having to listen to me. If you're listening to me, I know some are not. You know, but I don't know. Like I said, this isn't uh, I'm not looking to be a, uh, I don't know. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I'm not looking to be a, I don't know. I don't know. We'll see what happens, I guess. But it's the end of the year. What a crazy fucking year it's been. It is just wild what's happening out there right now in this life, the things that are coming, the things that are going on. Oh, it's all over the fucking place. The russians are shooting down fucking airliners. What the fuck is going on?
Speaker 2:oh, oh yeah, it was birds if you haven't seen it, look it up. I'm sure if you pay attention to the news at all or if you don't, that's fine, whatever. But we live in a and this is another reason why I want to get the fuck away from where I am right now and just get back, just get in touch with nature. But airline pilot, airline pilot, airline or not, an airline pilot, but an airline plane or commercial airline flight fucking crashed and whatever. It was flown over Russia or was supposed to be going to Russia and got somewhere. I don't know where they ended up at.
Speaker 2:But what the fuck, man? This is the bullshit of people that fuck around too much because they're chasing something. What is this? What do we have to do to stop this? I don't understand it. I just don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to hear about it. I mean I, I mean I. I don't want to say that I don't want to hear about it, because I want to hear about it. I want to know what the fuck's going on. So I know that I need to do whatever it is to figure it out or just let it fucking happen.
Speaker 2:I mean, what is it going to do to fight something that an overall bigger power has? I mean, is this? What psychological mindfuck is going on with the way that things are going on in this world? That are all I mean. Is it human-induced, is it something else? Is it another fucking outer being? It's weird, I don't know.
Speaker 2:If you got any thoughts, comments, questions, concerns, then reach out, talk to me, reach out, let's get it going. We need more of just general conversation. I say it. I say it again, I'll say it once more we gots to talk. We gotta have talks, convos, just whatever. We gotta figure this out.
Speaker 2:I'm just a small pea in the pod of. I don't know. I'm just a small pea in the pod of. I don't know, I'm just a small pea in the pod. Ha ha ha. Oh, black magic woman, good old sword shantana. Well, now I'm just lost, as always. Oh, so I am going to figure out video. I want to share my next journey with y'all. Not that you care, not that I care, that you care. I do care for some reason. I don't know why, but I've always. I don't know if I've ever known what my purpose is, and maybe this is my purpose. I don't know, maybe this is my purpose, maybe it's not. Maybe I'll figure out my purpose in the midst of figuring out this next one. So the door is opening. There are other things that are going to have to go and play with it, but the door's opening.
Speaker 1:I got to walk through it so that's where I feel I gotta go.
Speaker 2:And I feel that walking through this door this time, at this moment, is going to make a big difference with everything else that I've.
Speaker 1:I I guess, struggled with.
Speaker 2:If not, I always got the loaded gun. So Just kidding, maybe, maybe not, I don't know. We'll see. I guess it doesn't matter, because if I do I'll be dead. So Alright, not to end it on a shitty note. But fuck off. Love you guys.