This is Dumb

Laughs, Larceny, and a Fender Bender | This is Dumb Ep 25

• BurkeyBurke • Episode 25

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Speaker 1:

This is, this is, this is dark, this is, this is dark, this is dark, this is dark, this is dark. This is dumb. This is dumb, this is dumb. This is dumb, dumb, dumb. This is dumb, dumb, dumb, Dumb. This is dumb. What's going on, guys? It's your boy, it's Berky Burke, man, and I'm back here. We are Tuesday morning. Yeah, what's going on, guys? It's your boy, berky Burke, and you're listening to. This is Dumb man. It's Tuesday morning. I'm just starting my shift.

Speaker 1:

Had a busy day, had a good week last week. Last week was my birthday, guys. I mean, last week, friday the 12th was my birthday and it was actually. It was fucking dope man. It was really dope. I had fun. My beautiful girl took me out for dinner. I knew they were planning something because everybody was acting weird. And then there was like everybody was waiting at Peacock's for me. It was fucking dope man. There's nothing like your birthday when people just make you feel loved. You know that shit means a lot. So that's dope Fun times.

Speaker 1:

But then I was hungover. Then I had to watch UFC the next day, saturday. Let's talk about the UFC quick, guys. You guys don't give a fuck about the UFC, and I understand that. You know I get it, I get. It's like my weird thing that I'm into and that's cool, so I'm not going to fucking rant about this, but it was one of the craziest cards in the history of the sport. It was pretty dope, so I got kind of fucked up for that. And then sunday we had the the show at the mint, so that was super fun. First time ever doing comedy on a sunday, that was dope.

Speaker 1:

And yeah, man, I was fucking hung over yesterday. Your boy takes a turn. If I drink, like if I'm hung over three, four days in a row, oh my god, by the fourth or fifth day I'm the most negative, depressing. I'm just angry. You know what I mean. Just like, whatever you just said is dumb as fuck. All right, talk, right, you know what I mean. And it's like that energy isn't necessary. But I'm just like, yeah, the hangovers really fuck me up, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So here we are, tuesday morning, man, just waiting on a delivery Charging the whippersnapper. Earlier today, guys, I had to get an x-ray. I had to get a chest x-ray, right, because I've been having a weird fucking wet cough for some month and a half, so I had to go get an x-ray. I had to go wait, and it's always so weird because it's like everybody's there because they kind of got something wrong and you don't really know the severity of what everybody has wrong. So it's just like an awkward, like we're all here. You know what I mean. We all fucked up somehow or had some bad luck somehow. It's a weird energy, like people aren't. It's not like you're at in line at starbucks. You feel me it's like people were in line at the human mechanic shop. You feel me Like it's weird. I don't know, that's how I look at it. I was like this is awkward because everybody. There's an underlining elephant in the room and that's my tits. No, I'm joking. No, the underlying issue is everybody is there and nobody wants to be there. So, yeah, it's always funny little interactions.

Speaker 1:

And what do we got on the books this week? What do we got on the books this week? Oh, so this week today I got open mic at what's that motherfucker called Open mic at Phoenix Bar and Grill. I can't believe. I actually almost forgot that phoenix bar and grill. We got, uh, sonora open mic thursday, as usual, the fucking.

Speaker 1:

And I think I got another show. Oh yeah, I got a show actually tomorrow at the mint. That's right, I'm doing a show at the mint first time on a Wednesday show At the Mint. I didn't get in last week. I thought I might have, but I applied too late last week. So I applied again for this coming up For tomorrow and I got in. So that's fun. So I'm actually doing comedy Today.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow, thursday yeah, I got three gigs lined up. I feel like something else is happening. Oh yeah, there's a roast Tomorrow, thursday. Yeah, I got three gigs lined up. I feel like something else is happening. Oh yeah, there's a roast on Thursday. That's what it is. Yeah, I'm a bit of a fucking space cadet. Yeah, so there's a roast battle on Thursday. I'm not going to Sonora Open Mic, I'm going to the roast battle at the Phoenix bar and grill. That's going to be great. Yes, we got open mic tonight. The Mint Wednesday. Roast Battle Thursday. Fuck yeah, guys.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and we're going to keep this episode short and sweet. You know what I'm saying, guys. So let's get into it. We got nothing else to talk about. You guys know what motherfucking time it is, man. Y'all know what motherfucking time it is. It's time for story time. We're Berky Berk, all right. All right, guys. So this week's story takes place. Let's see. This one actually takes place in Victoria, british Columbia. Yeah, so 2016,.

Speaker 1:

I'm working at pizza, you know, living my best life, probably like 25 at the time and, uh, there was a time where I don't know what happened. I think my window I broke my window somehow, um or no, my driver's side window wouldn't roll up. So my window at this time was always open and you just, you know, you're delivering food all the time. It's just like you kind of get used to it. It is what it is. I had a shitty car at the time as well. I think it was like a Cavalier, like a 2001 Chevy Cavalier.

Speaker 1:

So while you work at Pizza Hut, I'm always basically I'm always forgetting that my window is down Because I'm running in and out of my fucking car delivering food. So I have this one delivery and it's to my mom's building. So I'm like, let me just call ahead, let moms know I'm coming through. You know what I mean. Mom, fire up the stove, put some fucking fresh on the fucking stove and make a nigga, some food. Oh, I just missed a delivery they gave me. Fuck, yeah, anyways, damn, that hurt, yeah. So you know, I used to do that. All the time.

Speaker 1:

When I worked at pizza hut, if I had a delivery near my mom's house and it was like around dinner, I would just call like hey, be there in 20 if that's possible. Chef up some fire, have it on the table. Bing, bang, bang, boom, you feel me. So that's in action, everything copacetic. I deliver the pizza to my mom's building, go to her door, eat dinner and then come down to my car and in this time I've forgotten my cell phone in my car with my window down, and my mom kind of lives in like a sketchy area. You know a lot of crackheads.

Speaker 1:

So I immediately run down when I realized I've left my fucking phone in my car. I run down in a panic, I look and my fucking, uh, all my cords, my aux cord, my charger, my cell phone, and some crackhead must have just seen an iphone like just sitting inside a car with the window down and these motherfuckers snatched my phone chargers, everything right. So I run down and my phone is missing. I'm trying to play it cool because I'm like maybe I forgot it upstairs. You know what I mean. Maybe I just panicked, but I didn't. It wasn't upstairs, so I had to call my brother from my mom's house and I call my bro and, thank god, my brother, this nigga's done saved me.

Speaker 1:

It was dope about having a brother is usually, if they're of age and you're on somewhat of good terms, you have another body. If you need help with something you know what I mean there's another grown man you could call on. So now there's two of y'all. You know what I'm saying. So I hit my bro up like nigga. These crackhead niggas stole my phone out of my car. Can you help me? Like, roll with me, see if I see any of these niggas, we could just call it off your phone. And if we see any of these motherfuckers picking up a white iphone through their like you know what I mean we'll run up on them and see if that's my phone or not. And of course, my brother was fucking.

Speaker 1:

In three seconds this nigga pulled up and we go to pandora. My mom lives like a couple blocks from pandora, not too close, but that's like, that's like the crackhead block out here, guys, meanwhile, first of all, I have to call my job and tell them hey, my phone's been stolen. I'm not coming back until I got to go find my phone, like peace out. You know what I mean. Forgot to tell you guys. That's part right, because I've completely abandoned my job at this point. Told them like hey, my phone's stolen, I got to see if I could find it. And we're fucking calling this phone.

Speaker 1:

We're driving up Pandora from maybe, uh, from Vancouver and Pandora all the way down to Douglas and Pandora. So we just keep doing laps. We keep doing laps and we like drive in front of the hostel there on Pandora and Blanchard and we see a fucking some like crackhead dude just like pull out a fucking iPhone, like he was like annoyed right, like it kept ringing. You know what I mean. He looked annoying and I seen that and I told my brother to pull over and we ran up on this nigga correction, my brother ran up on this nigga while I fucking cheerleaded from the fucking car and he fucking snatched up my phone. My brother's's seeing like oh, this is Burke's phone, it has a bunch of missed calls from me and, yeah, kind of just flexed on the crackhead and it's easy. You know my brother talks shit. You know what I mean. So he just comes back to Carl like yeah, nigga, this is how I do it. You feel me Nigga who live like this. Nigga, this, how I act. Nigga this hot tank.

Speaker 1:

Somehow we found the crackhead from just doing laps calling the phone and we got my brother, got my phone back and that was pretty dope and we walked back to my car, my little shitty, chevy cavalier, and this is the best part of the story. We both get in the car man that I'm like man, thank you bro. And both get in the car man. And then I'm like man, thank you bro. And fucking, I put the car in drive. I think I fucking just punched the gas, boom, just smash into the car behind me, not knowing I put the car in reverse and not in drive. I'm like, oh shit, I throw it in drive and I just I had to skirt out. Guys, I'm not gonna lie. Alright, I had to skirt out. You know what I mean. I'm talking to my bro like man, you know the Lord, look out for your boy. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

I can't believe I got my cell phone back. I must have like good karma or something. My brother's like nigga, you just smashed a car and dipped. What karma are you talking about, my nigga? That was just such a funny moment. I was just being like yo man, ain't that wild. How like I be like you know, having good luck and shit. Yeah, crazy. I was like you know what I mean. I got like good karma and shit, you know what I mean. I got my phone back. He's like nigga, I got your phone back and what karma, nigga. You. Just that was the first time I got my cell phone jacked. Guys, yeah, that's it for this episode. Guys, that's a wrap. And yeah, I'll be doing comedy all week.

Speaker 1:

Come check me out if you want. I Come check me out if you want. I'll be posting links on Instagram on my story. Give me a follow, if you haven't, at SlimBeta S-L-I-M-B-E-E-D-A. First of all, if you guys, people are telling me they like the pod, I love it. Give me a review on whatever app you listen to your podcast on. Give me a five-star on Apple. If you're on Spotify, write a comment. Help a brother out. Like share, comment rate. Yeah, and that's a wrap. Motherfuckers, you're listening to. This Is Dumb. It's Berkey Burke. I love y'all. Peace out. Damn. This is. This is. This is dumb. This is. This is Dumb. This is dumb. This is dumb. This is dumb. This is dumb. D is dumb. This is dumb, dumb, dumb. This is dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. This is dumb. Am I gonna? Am I just rapping all this shit? I don't mean to be rapping.