Laughs, Larceny, and a Fender Bender | This is Dumb Ep 25

Transcript

Busy Week Recap and Comedy Shows

Speaker 1 0:07

This is , this is , this is dark , this is , this is dark , this is dark , this is dark , this is dark . This is dumb . This is dumb , this is dumb . This is dumb , dumb , dumb . This is dumb , dumb , dumb , Dumb . This is dumb . What's going on , guys ? It's your boy , it's Berky Burke , man , and I'm back here . We are Tuesday morning . Yeah , what's going on , guys ? It's your boy , berky Burke , and you're listening to . This is Dumb man . It's Tuesday morning . I'm just starting my shift .

Speaker 1 1:06

Had a busy day , had a good week last week . Last week was my birthday , guys . I mean , last week , friday the 12th was my birthday and it was actually . It was fucking dope man . It was really dope . I had fun . My beautiful girl took me out for dinner . I knew they were planning something because everybody was acting weird . And then there was like everybody was waiting at Peacock's for me . It was fucking dope man . There's nothing like your birthday when people just make you feel loved . You know that shit means a lot . So that's dope Fun times .

Speaker 1 1:43

But then I was hungover . Then I had to watch UFC the next day , saturday . Let's talk about the UFC quick , guys . You guys don't give a fuck about the UFC , and I understand that . You know I get it , I get . It's like my weird thing that I'm into and that's cool , so I'm not going to fucking rant about this , but it was one of the craziest cards in the history of the sport . It was pretty dope , so I got kind of fucked up for that . And then sunday we had the the show at the mint , so that was super fun . First time ever doing comedy on a sunday , that was dope .

Speaker 1 2:18

And yeah , man , I was fucking hung over yesterday . Your boy takes a turn . If I drink , like if I'm hung over three , four days in a row , oh my god , by the fourth or fifth day I'm the most negative , depressing . I'm just angry . You know what I mean . Just like , whatever you just said is dumb as fuck . All right , talk , right , you know what I mean . And it's like that energy isn't necessary . But I'm just like , yeah , the hangovers really fuck me up , yeah .

Speaker 1 2:52

So here we are , tuesday morning , man , just waiting on a delivery Charging the whippersnapper . Earlier today , guys , I had to get an x-ray . I had to get a chest x-ray , right , because I've been having a weird fucking wet cough for some month and a half , so I had to go get an x-ray . I had to go wait , and it's always so weird because it's like everybody's there because they kind of got something wrong and you don't really know the severity of what everybody has wrong . So it's just like an awkward , like we're all here . You know what I mean . We all fucked up somehow or had some bad luck somehow . It's a weird energy , like people aren't . It's not like you're at in line at starbucks . You feel me it's like people were in line at the human mechanic shop . You feel me Like it's weird . I don't know , that's how I look at it . I was like this is awkward because everybody . There's an underlining elephant in the room and that's my tits . No , I'm joking . No , the underlying issue is everybody is there and nobody wants to be there . So , yeah , it's always funny little interactions .

Speaker 1 4:09

And what do we got on the books this week ? What do we got on the books this week ? Oh , so this week today I got open mic at what's that motherfucker called Open mic at Phoenix Bar and Grill . I can't believe . I actually almost forgot that phoenix bar and grill . We got , uh , sonora open mic thursday , as usual , the fucking .

Speaker 1 4:34

And I think I got another show . Oh yeah , I got a show actually tomorrow at the mint . That's right , I'm doing a show at the mint first time on a Wednesday show At the Mint . I didn't get in last week . I thought I might have , but I applied too late last week . So I applied again for this coming up For tomorrow and I got in . So that's fun . So I'm actually doing comedy Today .

Speaker 1 4:59

Tomorrow , thursday yeah , I got three gigs lined up . I feel like something else is happening . Oh yeah , there's a roast Tomorrow , thursday . Yeah , I got three gigs lined up . I feel like something else is happening . Oh yeah , there's a roast on Thursday . That's what it is . Yeah , I'm a bit of a fucking space cadet . Yeah , so there's a roast battle on Thursday . I'm not going to Sonora Open Mic , I'm going to the roast battle at the Phoenix bar and grill . That's going to be great . Yes , we got open mic tonight . The Mint Wednesday . Roast Battle Thursday . Fuck yeah , guys .

Speaker 1 5:42

Yeah , and we're going to keep this episode short and sweet . You know what I'm saying , guys . So let's get into it . We got nothing else to talk about . You guys know what motherfucking time it is , man . Y'all know what motherfucking time it is . It's time for story time . We're Berky Berk , all right . All right , guys . So this week's story takes place . Let's see . This one actually takes place in Victoria , british Columbia . Yeah , so 2016, .

Pizza Delivery Theft and Car Accident

Speaker 1 6:18

I'm working at pizza , you know , living my best life , probably like 25 at the time and , uh , there was a time where I don't know what happened . I think my window I broke my window somehow , um or no , my driver's side window wouldn't roll up . So my window at this time was always open and you just , you know , you're delivering food all the time . It's just like you kind of get used to it . It is what it is . I had a shitty car at the time as well . I think it was like a Cavalier , like a 2001 Chevy Cavalier .

Speaker 1 6:55

So while you work at Pizza Hut , I'm always basically I'm always forgetting that my window is down Because I'm running in and out of my fucking car delivering food . So I have this one delivery and it's to my mom's building . So I'm like , let me just call ahead , let moms know I'm coming through . You know what I mean . Mom , fire up the stove , put some fucking fresh on the fucking stove and make a nigga , some food . Oh , I just missed a delivery they gave me . Fuck , yeah , anyways , damn , that hurt , yeah . So you know , I used to do that . All the time .

Speaker 1 7:46

When I worked at pizza hut , if I had a delivery near my mom's house and it was like around dinner , I would just call like hey , be there in 20 if that's possible . Chef up some fire , have it on the table . Bing , bang , bang , boom , you feel me . So that's in action , everything copacetic . I deliver the pizza to my mom's building , go to her door , eat dinner and then come down to my car and in this time I've forgotten my cell phone in my car with my window down , and my mom kind of lives in like a sketchy area . You know a lot of crackheads .

Speaker 1 8:23

So I immediately run down when I realized I've left my fucking phone in my car . I run down in a panic , I look and my fucking , uh , all my cords , my aux cord , my charger , my cell phone , and some crackhead must have just seen an iphone like just sitting inside a car with the window down and these motherfuckers snatched my phone chargers , everything right . So I run down and my phone is missing . I'm trying to play it cool because I'm like maybe I forgot it upstairs . You know what I mean . Maybe I just panicked , but I didn't . It wasn't upstairs , so I had to call my brother from my mom's house and I call my bro and , thank god , my brother , this nigga's done saved me .

Speaker 1 9:09

It was dope about having a brother is usually , if they're of age and you're on somewhat of good terms , you have another body . If you need help with something you know what I mean there's another grown man you could call on . So now there's two of y'all . You know what I'm saying . So I hit my bro up like nigga . These crackhead niggas stole my phone out of my car . Can you help me ? Like , roll with me , see if I see any of these niggas , we could just call it off your phone . And if we see any of these motherfuckers picking up a white iphone through their like you know what I mean we'll run up on them and see if that's my phone or not . And of course , my brother was fucking .

Speaker 1 9:47

In three seconds this nigga pulled up and we go to pandora . My mom lives like a couple blocks from pandora , not too close , but that's like , that's like the crackhead block out here , guys , meanwhile , first of all , I have to call my job and tell them hey , my phone's been stolen . I'm not coming back until I got to go find my phone , like peace out . You know what I mean . Forgot to tell you guys . That's part right , because I've completely abandoned my job at this point . Told them like hey , my phone's stolen , I got to see if I could find it . And we're fucking calling this phone .

Speaker 1 10:23

We're driving up Pandora from maybe , uh , from Vancouver and Pandora all the way down to Douglas and Pandora . So we just keep doing laps . We keep doing laps and we like drive in front of the hostel there on Pandora and Blanchard and we see a fucking some like crackhead dude just like pull out a fucking iPhone , like he was like annoyed right , like it kept ringing . You know what I mean . He looked annoying and I seen that and I told my brother to pull over and we ran up on this nigga correction , my brother ran up on this nigga while I fucking cheerleaded from the fucking car and he fucking snatched up my phone . My brother's's seeing like oh , this is Burke's phone , it has a bunch of missed calls from me and , yeah , kind of just flexed on the crackhead and it's easy . You know my brother talks shit . You know what I mean . So he just comes back to Carl like yeah , nigga , this is how I do it . You feel me Nigga who live like this . Nigga , this , how I act . Nigga this hot tank .

Speaker 1 11:34

Somehow we found the crackhead from just doing laps calling the phone and we got my brother , got my phone back and that was pretty dope and we walked back to my car , my little shitty , chevy cavalier , and this is the best part of the story . We both get in the car man that I'm like man , thank you bro . And both get in the car man . And then I'm like man , thank you bro . And fucking , I put the car in drive . I think I fucking just punched the gas , boom , just smash into the car behind me , not knowing I put the car in reverse and not in drive . I'm like , oh shit , I throw it in drive and I just I had to skirt out . Guys , I'm not gonna lie . Alright , I had to skirt out . You know what I mean . I'm talking to my bro like man , you know the Lord , look out for your boy . You know what I mean .

Speaker 1 12:23

I can't believe I got my cell phone back . I must have like good karma or something . My brother's like nigga , you just smashed a car and dipped . What karma are you talking about , my nigga ? That was just such a funny moment . I was just being like yo man , ain't that wild . How like I be like you know , having good luck and shit . Yeah , crazy . I was like you know what I mean . I got like good karma and shit , you know what I mean . I got my phone back . He's like nigga , I got your phone back and what karma , nigga . You . Just that was the first time I got my cell phone jacked . Guys , yeah , that's it for this episode . Guys , that's a wrap . And yeah , I'll be doing comedy all week .

Speaker 1 13:05

Come check me out if you want . I Come check me out if you want . I'll be posting links on Instagram on my story . Give me a follow , if you haven't , at SlimBeta S-L-I-M-B-E-E-D-A . First of all , if you guys , people are telling me they like the pod , I love it . Give me a review on whatever app you listen to your podcast on . Give me a five-star on Apple . If you're on Spotify , write a comment . Help a brother out . Like share , comment rate . Yeah , and that's a wrap . Motherfuckers , you're listening to . This Is Dumb . It's Berkey Burke . I love y'all . Peace out . Damn . This is . This is . This is dumb . This is . This is Dumb . This is dumb . This is dumb . This is dumb . This is dumb . D is dumb . This is dumb , dumb , dumb . This is dumb , dumb , dumb , dumb . This is dumb . Am I gonna ? Am I just rapping all this shit ? I don't mean to be rapping .