TEMPTATION: Tempted To Keep Secrets From Your Spouse | Love By Faith with Kyle & Selina Almodovar #086

We explore the temptation to keep secrets in marriage, the difference between confidentiality and secrecy, and why even “small” omissions can damage trust. We share practical ways to disclose hard truths with grace, plus boundaries that protect privacy without hiding from your spouse.

• defining secrecy versus withholding versus confidentiality
• holiday surprises and why patterns matter
• common hidden areas like spending, drinking, and private chats
• how secrecy triggers insecurity, past trauma, and mistrust
• faith-based framing for unity and oneness
• practical steps to disclose hard truths safely
• guardrails for surprises without raising alarm
• using routines, questions, and shared boundaries
• the Love by Faith Playbook for anti-temptation strategies

Grab your Love by Faith Playbook today using the link in the description below. Partner with us to sow a seed so that Love by Faith can continue to grow and reach the masses. Please like, share, subscribe, and tap those five stars to help other couples learn how to LOVE BY FAITH.

Transcript

Welcome, Holidays, And Series Setup

SPEAKER_02 0:00

It's the temptation to keep secrets.

SPEAKER_04 0:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Are there healthy secrets to keep from your spouse?

SPEAKER_04 0:04

Why are you acting this? Why are you tripping?

SPEAKER_02 0:07

They don't need to know about it. They didn't care to ask about it.

SPEAKER_04 0:09

How do you feel about keeping secrets from your wife?

SPEAKER_02 0:11

I'm really good at it. I like to do it a lot.

SPEAKER_04 0:15

We're not perfect people. By any means. But by trusting in God, we learned what it takes to build a friendship, a relationship, and marriage that has stood the test of time.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

With a keeping it real style, we're gonna talk to you about everything. Everything that we've been through, are going through, and have overcome all by learning how to lean on God and each other in order to help you learn how to love by faith.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

How are you doing today? I'm good.

SPEAKER_04 1:00

Oh yeah. Getting close to that Thanksgiving season.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

Dude, I can't wait.

SPEAKER_04 1:04

Some people are already into like Christmas, full blown. I know the trees up right now. Are you one of those people? Let us know in the chat because we will know not to reach out to you. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. We're Thanksgiving. We're Thanksgiving week people where we uh put up our decorations the week after Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

Yeah. Are there any new themes coming this year for our Thanksgiving decorations?

SPEAKER_04 1:26

No. I have the same decorations.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

I mean new I meant for Christmas. I said Thanksgiving, I meant Christmas.

SPEAKER_04 1:32

No, we don't have any new things. You mean like a Ralph Lauren Christmas?

SPEAKER_02 1:36

No, like oh, I wanted to get these yoga nomies. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 1:42

I always want to get gnomies. Okay, so guys, there's you've heard of Elf on the Shelf. Kyle and I do something a little differently in our family. It's called Gnomi the Homie. And this year they have a Nomi advent calendar. Are we gonna get that? So that every day we add to the homies. I want to add to the homies. I want it to be just a gang of gnomies.

SPEAKER_02 2:04

25 gnomes to do something.

SPEAKER_04 2:06

29 nomies to just do mischievous things around our house all every year. And our kids know. Our kids know. It's like the same setup every year. We do the same activities every every night, you know.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

It's the same routine of what the same routine.

SPEAKER_04 2:20

We don't go crazy with it. We don't get no, it's last year they did this, this year they're gonna do it again.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

It's funny that you say we do this because most of the time she's like, Kyle, you gotta set this up. Oh, we forgot to do the gnome. Kyle, go get it. Go do it.

SPEAKER_05 2:35

Quick.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

All right. Gnomes be keeping secrets. Speaking of secrets, what about them?

Defining Secrets Versus Withholding

SPEAKER_02 2:41

This episode this week's episode, episode two of the season. Yes. It's the temptation to keep secrets.

SPEAKER_04 2:47

Yes, yes. So welcome to Love by Faith. If you guys are new here, welcome. We are glad to have you. Kyle and Selena here, and we are doing a month-long series on temptation. If you guys are with us from day one, then what's up? Welcome back. We're glad to have you here. And you guys may have heard the episode last week where we talked about temptations to look. Oh, we were looking away. Yes. And so this week. Instead of looking away, we look up, that's right, or look inward and all the things. And this week we are gonna talk about the secrets.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

Ooh, tempted to keep secrets.

SPEAKER_04 3:23

Secrets. Isn't there like a an RB song about secrets? I'm sure there's a million other things. There's like a thousand, right? There has to be a secrets thing. Anyways, Kyle, how do you feel about keeping secrets from your wife?

SPEAKER_02 3:35

I'm really good at it. I like to do it a lot.

SPEAKER_04 3:39

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

I like to do it a lot. I find them very useful and helpful.

SPEAKER_04 3:44

Like what? Tell me. What secrets do you have?

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Usually I have secrets about gifts for you.

SPEAKER_04 3:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

I have secrets about gifts for you. Okay. So those are the kind of secrets I always keep.

SPEAKER_04 3:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Those are that's when I lie to you and keep secrets for me.

SPEAKER_04 3:56

Dang, you lied to me.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

It's about gifts.

SPEAKER_04 3:59

Wow. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

If it's for your for your blessing.

SPEAKER_04 4:02

Kyle, you shouldn't lie. I will totally thou shalt not lie for the sake of my gifts.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

Lied to you to keep a surprise.

SPEAKER_04 4:09

I keep it totally 100. If you ask me, if you're like, are you sneaking? Are you doing stuff? I'm like, absolutely I am. Yes, I am. Okay, well, what is it?

SPEAKER_02 4:18

You're so good at sneaking that I'm like, hey, are you sneaking? I never, I'm never like, hey, are you sneaking? Because I don't catch you sneaking.

SPEAKER_05 4:25

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

Or if I do, I don't even ask, I just say something. You're up. I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_04 4:31

You better watch it. I you I'm I'll be doing stuff, and you just don't care to ask questions. So if you're not gonna ask questions, I'm not gonna give you information. But see me, I'm always observant. I'm like, he's he's up. He's doing this is off. This is not according to the pattern of everyday life. And so I'll straight up, are you doing something? What are you doing? Where are you going? What's that for? Why was there an Amazon order in our email? What's that about? We don't have an Amazon order coming in.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Hence, I had to get my secret personal Amazon account. You sure did get an Amazon account so that I could buy stuff for you without you asking questions.

SPEAKER_04 5:11

So yeah, when you do ask me questions, I just meet them. I don't have to lie. Like, yes, yes, I am. You want to know more? No, I'm not gonna tell you more. You know everything you need to know at this point.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

In your women's single by faith society, yes, where you meet and talk and have chit-chats and preach and teach them all sorts of stuff. What kind of secrets do you hear in there? Not like what kind of secrets do people have, but what kind of secrets are people keeping in their relationships? Like what are some themes around to keep secrets?

SPEAKER_04 5:40

So it's not even like keeping secrets, because when you think about like keeping a secret, it's like you obtain information and then you're keep you're purposely keeping that information from someone else knowing about it, right? But when it comes to, for example, the single women within single by faith society, it's more so I have information already, yeah, and I'm just withholding it for the right particular time. So, for

Common Hidden Habits And Fear

SPEAKER_04 6:10

example, um, in the month of October, we were talking about one of the lessons in the single by faith society, which was how to incorporate God into your new relationship. And the reason why I talk about this and break it down is because I want women to know upfront how to be comfortable and confident sharing their faith and sharing their intentions with keeping Christ at the center so that by the time their emotions do run high, or by the time things get serious, that person on the other end of that relationship is fully aware of what to expect when it comes to their faith and when it comes to how this relationship is gonna play out because they are committed to honoring God and being pure and fearing him and keeping his commands and all those things. And so for some women, there are not necessarily my particular woman in the society, but there are some women who are like, I have a shameful past. I'm not gonna share that information, I'm gonna keep that because they don't need to know that right now. Or I, you know, I'm struggling with finances. I'm gonna keep that information until they need to know like they don't need to know that yet. Yeah, like they don't need to know that yet. Whereas like a secret is like we're in the relationship. I did something in that relationship in real time. I'm just not gonna tell you about it. That's how I see the difference. Yeah, you know, like there's a I think there's a fine line between holding with withholding information and having a secret.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:46

But at the same time, they're kind of all it kind of goes in the same lane. You're holding information, you're not being upfront, you're not being transparent. Okay, or the person is not asking enough questions. So if they're not gonna ask, I'm not gonna offer.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

And that's that's the attitude that people bring into their relationship. Absolutely. Is that I'm gonna just gonna keep this under wraps because they don't need to know about it, they didn't care to ask about it, so it obviously isn't important. So I'm just gonna just gonna tuck that away.

SPEAKER_04 8:14

I feel like guys use that as a kind not a manipulation tool, but kind of as a weapon of like, well, you didn't ask. So it's like that's your fault that you don't know this information because you didn't ask. So why why are you mad at me when you never bothered to ask? I would have willing I would have told you, but you never asked.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

So the guy's secrets are a communication problem?

SPEAKER_04 8:39

The guy there's a lot of problems.

SPEAKER_02 8:42

Yeah, yeah, no. I'm just what you said, it's a communication problem because he didn't want to talk about it until it was asked about.

SPEAKER_04 8:48

I don't think it's a communication problem.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

I think it's uh it is, it's a transparency communication problem.

SPEAKER_04 8:58

Yeah, because we can't they're not willing to share things right because they don't want to talk about it. They don't want to talk about it. It's like a comforting.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

You're gonna ask us 50,000 questions, and maybe like three would be okay, but 50,000, it gets overwhelming. You know, and then guys go that that route to keep the secret because they don't want to face it head on. I think it might be the sin there might be fear.

SPEAKER_04 9:21

Yes, yes. It's like they don't want to confront it, they don't want to put it out there.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Unhealthy fear to to write, to face things and to change it. So we keep it a secret. We tuck it away, yes, so that we don't have to to face this and get better and move forward.

SPEAKER_04 9:36

Yes, but I think uh it's so to go back to like guys versus girls, I think you know what would a secret be that girls are keeping,

Boundaries, Confidentiality, And Gossip

SPEAKER_04 9:45

obviously spending money.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

That's uh okay.

SPEAKER_04 9:47

Obviously spending money. Like I'm I'm buying things without discussing it with my husband. That's a secret I'm keeping. It could be an emotional coping, like how we talked about in the last episode, how women are driven to you know drink wine or do something like that. It could be, you know, you're doing an unhealthy uh habit and you don't want your husband to know.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

That's where we get tore up, guys. Not tore up, but guys get we get keeping this under wraps because we don't. We don't need to, you don't need to be worried about that. Yeah. Like, I'll figure this out.

SPEAKER_04 10:15

There could be people out there who are like smoking in the garage and they don't want their spouse to know because they're like, oh, I gave this up a long time ago, or I'm drinking, you know, there's a bottle in my car and I'm drinking it right before I go into the house because I don't want people to know about it. It's an unhealthy habit, you know. You could be keeping close connections with people from your past or in your present. Oh, you know, like keeping really like not necessarily a relationship, not necessarily a thing, but like you're talking a little more to the Amazon guy.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

And you send that happy birthday text to that long, you know, or long-ago relationship.

SPEAKER_04 10:52

That ex that just pops up out of nowhere, and you're just like, I'm gonna entertain this. And I will admit, like that has happened, and I was like, okay, but then I caught myself and I'm like, this this feels wrong. It feels like for me personally, like it was just too convicting for me to be like, I can't have this outside conversation with someone that I know if it were the other way around, I would have a problem with. And so some people, they don't like you said, they don't want to face that conflict, they don't want to face that up front. They don't think it, they know it's a big deal, but they want to play it down as if it's not a big deal. And so therefore they're like, I just, I'm just not gonna share this. I'm just gonna keep this under wraps because I can control it. I can like you said, I can manage it. Yeah, I can control this. Everything's under control so long as it stays within my control and it's not shared with my spouse.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

So I have two other two other secret issues I want to think about.

SPEAKER_04 11:52

Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this episode. And right now we want to just take a small minute to introduce to you the latest thing that we created to help you elevate your relationship and take it to the next level. It's called the Love by Faith playbook.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Every good coach knows they have to have winning plays. We went through our foundation series and we pulled out some of the best winning plays

Healthy Surprises And The Christmas Story

SPEAKER_02 12:15

and created strategies for you guys. Plays like how to be better financially, how to do ministry together, how to be better romantically, how to be better family life. We went through all these different areas from the foundation series and put it together in a playbook.

SPEAKER_04 12:28

So grab your love by faith playbook today. You can use the link in the description below, enter it, and the good news about this is that it is a living document. So you download it one time, and every single month we're gonna be updating this document to give you fresh new plays to help you and your partner love by faith and create a winning season. Go ahead and get your love by faith playbook now, and let's get back into this episode.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

So, like I was saying, I had two thoughts on I have two thoughts on secrets, and they kind of go in the same vein.

SPEAKER_05 13:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

And so I wanted to pick your brain on this.

SPEAKER_05 13:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

Number one, yes. Are there healthy secrets to keep from your spouse?

SPEAKER_04 13:12

I think uh to your point earlier about gifts and surprises, like if I'm throwing you a surprise birthday party, yeah, you know that's a nice secret, that's a healthy secret to have.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:25

I I'm racking my brain, like if there's a health scare, if there's a person who's involved in our family, if there's an exterior person, is there a financial thing, is there a emotional secret? Am I pregnant and I want to wait for you to tell you at the right moment, that might be a healthy surprise. Am I if if I'm keeping a secret to surprise you, yeah, in a in a in a wholesome way, that's appropriate.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

So if you're delaying the joy.

SPEAKER_04 13:55

If I'm delaying the surprise for the right moment, like if you're you kept the secret of proposing to me, right? Uh well, no, because we were dating. Okay, and you we made the it was in February. We went to the weekend to remember retreat.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:17

And we determined, like, okay, the only thing left for us to do is apply what we've learned.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:22

So we both came to the agreement of like, okay, the next step is engagement.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:28

So from February to May, yeah, you kept a secret of like, I'm gonna propose to this woman, I'm gonna buy this, I'm buying the ring. I'm, you know, you that was the secret.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah, I guess I snuck around getting the ring and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 14:41

You got the ring, and then like making the proposal like that was a healthy secret. That's a healthy secret.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:46

I'm pregnant, I find out that I'm pregnant, you're at work, I need to tell him. I kept that a secret. I talked to you all day long, right? Knowing that I had this secret, or you know, I knew the sex of our baby, I knew Jubilee was a girl before you did. So that was a healthy secret because I was like, I'm gonna wait till I bake this cake, and even though the cake looked like crap, like because I was so excited and everything was flustered, like I kept that from you. Like, that's a healthy secret. But for everything else, that's like not a wholesome surprise. Yeah, I don't think you should keep a secret.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

Here's what I was at with this because I was thinking through this and getting ready for the show, and there's a lot of people who I'm an accountability partner with.

SPEAKER_04 15:26

Okay, that's another angle.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

And so they're they share with me. We talk and we go through really important confidential things. Yes, right?

SPEAKER_05 15:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

And while I don't feel a need to keep things a secret from you, I may not tell you everything because you don't need to know. You don't, you know what I mean? You're not ministering to that person, you're not reaching into their life. That makes sense. And there's, you know, it's just I don't need to to let you into that.

SPEAKER_04 15:54

That makes sense. So when you're interacting with other people's secrets, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Yeah. So because to avoid gossip, but at the same time, if I need help with a problem, if I need help with an issue, yes, I'll come to you and share like namelessly, like, hey, I'm going through this with one of my friends. What

How Secrets Erode Trust And Safety

SPEAKER_02 16:10

do you think I what do you think is good advice to tell him?

SPEAKER_05 16:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

That where it's not a secret, you know what I mean? So I Yes. Like I have a good feel for where the line is between the city.

SPEAKER_04 16:18

So you're saying keeping secrets with other people for it because it's their business.

SPEAKER_02 16:23

I think you hit the nail on the head with the confidentiality. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Yeah. To protect other people's privacy.

SPEAKER_04 16:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

And I think that is somewhere where we keep secrets.

SPEAKER_04 16:32

And you would have to do that, you know, if you were a pastor, right. You know, you'd have to keep that confidentiality. If you're a counselor, you would have to keep if you're working in a healthcare, you know, you have to whole HIPAA law, everything has to be confidential in that sense.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Right.

SPEAKER_04 16:43

You're so you're taking the secrets outside of the marriage circle.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Right.

SPEAKER_04 16:49

Whereas I was looking at it within the marriage circle. So I think within the marriage circle, when it's just me and you, yeah, we should not have secrets unless it's a delayed surprise, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:01

If it's outside of our marriage circle, then yes, there are people who are struggling with things and they're telling you in confidence that you can keep that confidential. And so, yes, that makes sense because you don't want to share their business. You don't want to gossip. We don't want to bring gossip into our marriage. Right. And so talking about other people and what their problems are, and then critiquing or criticizing or condemning, you know, that play that could come into opening those secrets. So I understand that. I respect that.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 17:32

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

And then the second vein is I guess when we talk through it, it makes it a little less is what are what do healthy secrets between a couple? You know what I mean? How much it when I say it out loud, it just comes out wrong because it's there's a lot, because there's a lot that we don't tell everybody because it's between us.

SPEAKER_05 17:53

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Right. And so I guess I was thinking like that, but so have the confidentiality is confidentiality. That's the perfect way to sum it up.

SPEAKER_04 18:00

So just having, you know, if we have something going on, right, and we're keeping that from the rest of the world.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

That's so now we're pretty normal and expected, I think, in a relationship. Yeah, we gotta keep our business in-house.

SPEAKER_04 18:13

And I mean, to be clear, we are a relationship podcast that shares a lot of our business with the rest of the world. Like we've shared a lot of our business.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

You guys don't tell anyone, okay?

SPEAKER_04 18:24

We've shared a lot of things, but there are also a lot of things that we are struggling with, or you know, our our own things that we're battling, you know, your weaknesses, my weaknesses. Like we keep that together in confidence that we're growing together because not everybody needs to know your business. Not everybody needs to know your business. If you're keeping your business from your spouse, yeah, because that's the thing, I I think that is the problem, is man and woman, husband and wife, sometimes they are keeping their business from each other. And it's the wrong kind of concept that you should have when you're married, because when I marry you, yeah, you become my business,

Practical Steps To Share Hard Truths

SPEAKER_04 19:05

and vice versa.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:06

And so if there's something that I am struggling with and I choose not to share it with you because I don't want him to get hurt.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

If you're struggling with it, we're struggling with it.

SPEAKER_04 19:18

Right, exactly. I don't want I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to get angry. I know how you're gonna respond. You're not gonna respond well. This isn't gonna end well. You know, if I'm sick and I get a doctor's report, but that's that is I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to worry, I don't want him to fear. I'm caring so much about you that I'm removing you from my business, then that's not a good way to handle your marriage.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

That is perfect because that's where the enemy sneaks in.

SPEAKER_04 19:45

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

That's where the enemy sneaks in and tells you, hey, don't tell him that. He's gonna freak out at you. Right. Don't tell him that.

SPEAKER_04 19:51

Yeah, it's gonna make him so now you're causing separation within your marriage because you're choosing to keep your business your own business, but you got married, so you guys have it's your business. Right. It's all it's both of your businesses because you you're now one, you're one thing.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

And while that secret is hiding inside of you, whether you think so or not, you're acting different.

SPEAKER_05 20:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

And I can pick up on that.

SPEAKER_05 20:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:15

Whether you think so or not, you're acting different, and she can pick up on that. Yes, because she knows you.

SPEAKER_05 20:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:20

Even after one year, even after three months of being married, you know that other person better than most people.

SPEAKER_04 20:26

So now you're hiding something.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

And so all of that is just room for the enemy to create divide. Correct. And that's what we want to, that's what we're fighting against. We're fighting for that connection. That marriage connection is what we're fighting for. It's what we're here for, is what we're we're standing up for in talking about temptation.

SPEAKER_04 20:43

And so what happens when you keep secrets like that? You're acting different, you're withholding information, you're not being transparent, you're not being vulnerable, you're not being open, you're not being naked and unashamed. So now the trust issues are coming in. Because now the other person

Playbook Resource And Closing Prayer

SPEAKER_04 21:00

who has no idea what you're going through, has no idea what you're keeping from them, right? Now they're questioning, well, why are they withholding information from me? Is it me now? So now they're second guessing themselves. Is it something that I did? Is there something that I need to be looking at? So now they're becoming insecure about themselves, along with the insecurity of like, well, why won't they just open up for me? And then you take it a step further. So now they're thinking about their past trauma. Well, so-and-so did this to me in the past, and now they're acting exactly like how that person in my past used to act. So maybe this is happening all over. Maybe they're cheating on me because I've dealt with cheating in the past and I know what that feels like. This feels familiar, or you know, this person is no longer in love with me because I dealt with that in the past, or you know, this person is doing something behind my back, and I've dealt with that in the past, and this feels familiar. So I'm gonna make this a similar situation. I'm gonna respond in a similar manner because I've done this before, and now I'm gonna protect myself. So the insecurity breeds more insecurity. Yes, it breeds more mistrust, it breeds insecurity. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

The insecurity breeds more insecurity and leads to deeper insecurity because now you're going through all these old hurts and old insecurities. Yes, and so that secret, that one little secret, has led to this imbalance in your whole relationship, led to this discomfort and distrust in your whole relationship.

SPEAKER_05 22:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

So how do we avoid the secrets? And you can't just say be transparent because that's that's not enough. Because there's fears that get in the way, there's insecurities that do get in the way.

SPEAKER_04 22:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

How do we beat those?

SPEAKER_04 22:41

What's up, Love by Faith family? We want to say thank you so much for your support in watching and engaging in every single episode that we have put out thus far. We could not have made it this far without you.

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Love by faith is a joke.

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SPEAKER_04 23:56

That's not our tagline.

SPEAKER_02 23:57

It's a catchphrase.

SPEAKER_04 23:58

It's not a catchphrase. Can you please just use the link and click below and we would be grateful. In Jesus' name. I'll give you a story. It's so cute, but it it can apply to this, and it goes back to Christmas. Okay. So this was our first Christmas, I believe, when we were still dating.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

Okay. And little baby Kyle and Selena.

SPEAKER_04 24:19

Kyle had manager money. Okay, let's just say that. Selena did not. Okay. So I'm like, what can I get, Kyle? I don't have a whole lot of money. What can I do to make it memorable and meaningful and all these things? I decided to get a picture frame. This this one right here.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

It's hanging right there. The picture right frame.

SPEAKER_04 24:37

And I was going to paint little pictures in between the picture frames to kind of share our story and to kind of share how God kind of just shone on us and He planted this seed in us, and our seed is growing to blossom into this loving relationship. Okay. And I was going to put it with little pictures of us from our relationship thus far the first year. So I'm at my house and I'm painting and I'm drawing and I'm working really hard because I am creating this Christmas gift. Kyle could not stand it.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

So wait, when were you when were you working on this?

SPEAKER_04 25:10

I was working on this when I was at home by myself. I was working on this on the weekends. I was working on this basically in my spare time.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

And you're so all of her spare time that I was so used to getting was getting dedicated to this secret.

SPEAKER_04 25:24

To this secret. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

Keep going. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:26

So Kyle couldn't stand it.

SPEAKER_02 25:28

So I'm like, what's going on?

SPEAKER_04 25:29

What's going on?

SPEAKER_02 25:31

Why don't you want to talk to me?

SPEAKER_04 25:32

Why don't you want to call me and I would be like, I really have to get off the phone right now. I have to do something.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

So kids, this is before FaceTime. So we used to Skype. And so I was like, why won't you Skype with me? What's going on?

SPEAKER_04 25:43

And I couldn't Skype with him because I had everything sprawled out. Like he would see it. He would, I would reveal the secret. And so I would tell him, like, listen, I just need you to trust me. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:55

You don't want to say that to somebody who is questioning what's going on, and you don't want to share the details of what's going on. Looking back at this moment, okay, and then finally, like you blew up. Finally, you were you were really upset. You thought I was doing something. Because remember, this was this was year one. So we were still figuring each other out.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

This was only like, yeah, four or five months into us dating.

SPEAKER_04 26:18

Yeah. Yeah. This was Christmas. And so you were really like, what is happening? What is going on?

SPEAKER_02 26:24

Like you were, I think you were on the verge of like, do we need to do we need to part or what distrust took over because I'm like, what is this girl hiding and sneaking? Yes. Yeah. And so and it wasn't like I was needy or clingy. It was just like really out of character of her. And so yeah, keep going.

SPEAKER_04 26:41

Yeah. And so eventually it got to the point where I just kind of yelled and I was so frustrated. I was like, I'm making you something. Like I am making a gift for you. And I want it to be a surprise. And why is why are you acting this? Why are you tripping? Like, I don't understand. And so it turned into this big, I don't know if it was a fight or a fight. But it turned into a blow up. It blew up at the at the end. And moving forward, I just thought to myself, like, this isn't worth it. The next time I have to do something, I'm just gonna tell him what I'm doing without giving all the specifics away because it just it's not worth it. It's not worth the sneaking around. So now moving forward, whenever we Christmas shop for each other or birthday shop for each other, we tell each other, we're like, hey, I'm about to, I'm about to buy things for you. Don't look this way. Don't go out this way. Okay. Yeah. Like, hey, I'm about to receive things in the mail for you. Don't look at any of these packages. Or, hey, I'm planning something, chill. I'm gonna just let it ride. Yeah. You know, like so. I think to answer your question, how do how can this work? Number one, the person who has a secret, you gotta check your heart. You gotta check your heart. Do you feel convicted about keeping? Would you feel upset knowing the thing that you know and having your spouse not tell you that thing? Would you feel are you are you convicted? Do you feel some kind of way? If so, that is your indication, that is your flag, that is your sign. You need to talk about it, you need to open it up, you need to say, hey, I am I'm struggling with this. And you have to go in it with the notion that this is your partner. They vowed to love you for better or for worse. You should not keep anything from them because you are one. That's like keeping something from one side of your face so that the other side of your face doesn't realize that it's there. You cannot do this because it's gonna cause division and it's only a distraction to keep you guys from growing closer together. And so you have to be open with this without shame or without fear that something is gonna boil over. And if you have fear, like this is it, the thing that the secret that I'm holding is gonna wreck us, is gonna totally just destroy this marriage. They're gonna divorce me, they're gonna do all these things, then you better pray before you share.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

Right.

SPEAKER_04 29:19

You better invite Holy Spirit into that conversation before you share because you don't know that person's heart. You're only projecting your own fears, you're only projecting your own insecurity. So please let that person have a chance to react and respond because love is very powerful, and you have no idea what love can do and how love can heal if you allow love a chance to enter into that situation.

SPEAKER_02 29:44

Let love, yep. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04 29:47

So that's right, those are for the big ones.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

For the small ones, they're all big ones for the small ones because even the small little surprise grew up into a big one. It's her dead. They're all big ones.

SPEAKER_04 29:56

For the non detrimental thing. The small surprises, the little instances, the things that hasn't had time and space to grow and evolve into a really big thing. Okay. Just be open and honest. And I think that comes from the person who has the secret. You have to take initiative to start that communication. Don't sit there and play dumb and wait for the other partner to be like, what's going on? Because by then it's too late. By then they're already forming thoughts in their head that something is off and that you're acting weird. And why haven't they said something yet? They're waiting for you to take action. So you start with that.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Lead with that.

SPEAKER_04 30:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

Wow. So the temptation to keep secrets. I think we covered a lot of that.

SPEAKER_05 30:49

We did.

SPEAKER_02 30:49

That's that's a lot to talk about.

SPEAKER_05 30:51

It is a lot.

SPEAKER_02 30:52

The best part is that we created for the playbook a new play in there to battle temptation and to defeat temptation. Yes. And I know that there are questions in there to help you discover these hidden secrets and to reveal it so that you can communicate together about this and grow together. Follow the link in the description to get your playbook. Use that. It's not there for waste, it's not there for just take up space in your memory card. Like it's real.

SPEAKER_04 31:17

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think there's no better way uh to end this episode, you know, and we hope that if you are struggling with a secret that you have, I'm sure that it is doing something inside of you. And truth and honesty and love will set it free.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 31:36

So we just pray and encourage that this episode nudged you.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 31:40

We don't want to be condemning, but we pray that it nudged you to pray about it and to really follow up with your spouse about it or your partner so that you can establish freedom in your relationship. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 31:53

Love by faith, y'all.

SPEAKER_04 31:56

Love by faith, y'all. Kyle, will you please pray us out?

SPEAKER_02 31:59

Lord, we're grateful that you've given us this space to talk and share and to encourage couples how to love better, how to live better. We give you the glory for all of it, Lord.

unknown 32:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

We want to just be used by you. We want to be your vessels, your conduit for the Holy Spirit to speak to people, Lord. We pray for those couples who need to have hard talks and that they would be able to have that with courage and work together and that love would conquer it all. We give you the glory in Jesus' name. Amen.

SPEAKER_04 32:30

Amen. Thank you guys so much for tuning in to Love by Faith. If this is something that you are watching on YouTube, please like, share, subscribe. If you are listening to it, we appreciate you. We ask that if this is something that resonated with you, to please tap those five stars, give us a great review so that other couples like you can find us and learn how to love by faith as well.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

Yes. We're in the middle of our Love by Faith crowdfunding campaign. Yes. So if you've been blessed by this podcast and you feel led to give, there's a link in the description. We appreciate you, we love you, and we want to just keep providing this podcast and to provide more resources and grow and get bigger things for more love by faith for all of you. Thanks for joining us today. We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_05 33:15

Bye.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

Love by faith, y'all. I have really good news.

SPEAKER_05 33:25

What?

SPEAKER_02 33:26

I don't have to go.

SPEAKER_05 33:27

Yay.

SPEAKER_02 33:28

We're doing great.

SPEAKER_05 33:29

Yay.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

We're getting in our rhythm. The season three thing is really like it's really good. We've uh we learned from our mistakes in season one and two.

SPEAKER_04 33:37

Absolutely. We're doing good.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

No, I can just sit here.

SPEAKER_04 33:40

No, no, we got things to do. We got we now I well, let's go hit the honeydew list before you uh before you leave.

SPEAKER_02 33:50

I guess I do gotta go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:52

I've been waiting. I've just been piling all the things on the list for every time you left. And I'm like, finally, he can come and fix this hole in the wall.

SPEAKER_02 34:01

Or there's no holes in our wall.

SPEAKER_04 34:03

Hang up this this thing on the wall.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

That I want to do for sure.

SPEAKER_04 34:07

Fix this appliance, do something, mow this grass, do do all the things. I love you, honey.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

Love you too, what?

SPEAKER_04 34:20

Yeah, that was good.