Hello , hello everybody , welcome back to Conquering Chaos . A mom's guide to self-care and sanity . I'm your host , sydney Crowe , and today we have the lovely guest Mallory Simmons from Alaska . Welcome , mallory , how are you ?
MalloryI'm good . Thank you so much for having me here . It's such an honor .
SydneyI am so excited to allow our listeners to dive in . You and I have had several conversations and you have such an amazing coaching platform , Lioness Proof Coaching . You are a sober wellness coach , so why don't you tell the listeners a little bit about what you do and who you are ?
MalloryThank you . So , yes , I just launched this new name , lioness Proof Coaching , and I'm just going to get into the meaning of it because I'm so excited about it . It was a download from the universe and the proof part is twofold One , helping women find their inner lioness , the strength that we all have in us . You've pushed a human out of your body , you can do a friggin' burpee . You're strong , you're smart , you're capable . And the proof part is one being bulletproof lioness . Proof , the strength that we all have , this shield to keep away the toxicity . And then proof because I'm a sober coach , instead of the proof of alcohol , the strength and the proof that we have within ourselves to conquer chaos and live an amazing life .
SydneyLove that , love that so much . Yeah , amazing . So tell us a little bit about how you work with your clients . Is it a one-on-one ? Do you have a group coaching program ? Tell us a bit more about you . Know the journey that they have with you ? The journey .
MalloryOkay , so mostly I do one-on-one . That's really where I thrive and I think that's where people feel the most vulnerable . So it's a process , right . Like you , most people don't just go from you know great area drinking which we'll get into in a little bit to not drinking at all . Like that Some people might . I have a friend that did that . She's amazing . But a lot of us it's a journey . It's this , it's a shifting of our mindset . It's diving into our beliefs , our struggles , what makes us feel like we need to hide behind a drink or two , unraveling all of that bit by bit to help people not drink and feel amazing , stick to their workouts , lose some weight , save some money . You know there's a lot of benefits to not drinking physically , mentally and spiritually and through my six-month program we really get to dive deep and help someone completely shift how they show up for themselves and their family .
SydneyI love that so much . It is definitely about our own personal journey so that we can show up for our family as our best selves . I love that . That's the take that you have on your program . You mentioned gray area drinking . Tell me and the listeners a little bit about what that was or is . It was a new term to me when you and I first connected . Honestly , it was something that I I fell into myself . So , yeah , fill the listeners in about what that means .
MalloryYeah , so if you look at drinking on a spectrum . So as a substance abuse or former substance abuse counselor excuse me my job was to diagnose people with either substance abuse , like chemical dependency , or abuse . That is pretty obvious for most of us . You're , drinking has taken over your life . You might be involved in the criminal justice system , you have a lot of family problems . You have a lot of physical problems . It's affected you and the clinical term , biopsychosocially , it's crippled you on the way . Other end of the spectrum is people who drink like once or twice a year and never think about alcohol . They might have a glass of champagne at a wedding , they might have a cocktail at Christmas like one , and then they don't think about it . It is not a big deal to them at all . They're like unicorns in my mind .
SydneyI don't understand but especially in today's society , right .
MalloryYes . Then there is this huge gray area where a lot of us I was here for years . It's how you socialize . It's how you manage your stress . You have a really crappy day at work and you think I need a drink . You get some bad news . I need a drink . You get some good news . Let's celebrate with wine . It's a huge part of how you manage life . No , you're not an alcoholic . You have a good family , you take care of yourself , you handle your crap . You're fine . But it's making you anxious , it's making you depressed , it's causing some unwanted weight . It's zapping your money , it's zapping your energy . It's disconnecting you from your family . In some ways , it's making life harder when you think it's making it easier . But you're not at the level where you're like I obviously have a drinking problem . It's a gray area .
SydneyI 100% fell into that area , I think , dealing with what the globe has dealt with over the last few years . I won't use the C word , but here we are . I think that really compounded a lot of people into that spectrum . We were all stuck at home . We weren't driving places , it wasn't something that we even really thought about .
SydneyMy husband and I were drinking almost every day and all of a sudden he woke up one day and was like I'm going to do a 75 hard challenge and that involves no drinking . My exact response was you're crazy , I'm never giving this up . He hasn't had a sip of alcohol in over two years . Well , over two years . I've just passed my one year mark . It was getting my gut health in check and then being like maybe I could go 30 days .
SydneyIt was like a test that I had given myself , because prior to that you hear people do like sober October or sober January , and I never was in that wheelhouse . I would always fall off . There was some celebration that I had to go to , some birthday , or I'd have a really , really bad day with my kids and I'd be like okay , put them to bed , have a glass of wine , unwind . That was just the MO Last November , november 1st , I actually decided that I would do a 30 day challenge and see if I could even do it . When I wrote that out on my social media for accountability , I , in the back of my mind , I was like I don't even think I'm going to be able to do this , but I'm going to put it out there and then maybe I can hold myself accountable because I've put it out into the universe . And 30 days has now turned into , you know , almost 13 months .
SydneySo I think , it's amazing what you do , where you can help people kind of navigate that , navigate those struggles , those ups and downs , be an accountability partner , be their huge cheerleader . That's very commendable . Tell me a little bit about what got you into this . You mentioned that you've been a trauma and grief coach . You're also into nutrition and exercise . What do you feel really propelled you into this ?
MalloryThat's such a great question and I can talk about it all freaking day . I feel like really I've come full circle with like a little pizzazz Because , like I said , I started my career as a substance abuse counselor . So I have a degree in psychology with a concentration of community and mental health and then a certificate in addiction studies , and I worked with priorities like mathematics in my early mid 20s and I learned so much about humanity and trauma and grief and how that can go horribly wrong when not dealt with , and it was an extremely humbling experience for me , but I just it was too much too young . So I got into different social services jobs that weren't as intense and when I had my daughter in 2019 , I wanted to be able to . I learned in 2018 , what am I saying ? I wanted to be able to do something from home and I've always had a passion for health and wellness , so I got into health coaching , got my certificates , got a transformational coaching methods certificate from health coach Institute , so more focusing on people's beliefs and identities and how we show up for the world , so a little bit deeper than just like habits and stuff , and then , anyways , so how I got back to sobriety is in 2021 , I had the worst year of my life .
MalloryMy husband had a tumor removed from his head , my dog died and I had a miscarriage , and that all happened within 30 days . And then we had to give another dog up for adoption a month later and then a month after that I had another miscarriage where I found out it's extremely unlikely for me to have any more healthy children and I will likely continue to miscarry or have a child with severe birth defects . So , needless to say , I wasn't feeling very good and because of my background in coaching and mindfulness , and definitely in substance abuse counseling , I was very aware of what my brain was doing . I was seeking pleasure to avoid the pain . I did not want to feel anything . I was feeling because it frigging hurt , but I knew if I didn't , it was just going to wait , because that's what grief and trauma does it just waits stagnantly for you to deal with it and you have to feel it to heal it . So I didn't quit drinking then , but I definitely limited it as much as I could at that time . I did not let myself get drunk . I didn't let myself drink when I was feeling those waves of grief . I insisted that I had to go through it . So that was kind of the beginning for me with my own gray area drinking .
MalloryI did some 75 heart challenges in there . I've never made it the full 75 days because my immune system , ironically , is trash . But it definitely got me thinking about , like when I was grabbing the drink or when I was like really white knuckling it . And then when I moved to mainland Alaska last May with my family , I challenged myself to do 90 days without it and I said this whole summer I'm just going to really get to know myself and I'm going to stop . I'm just going to have club soda and decaf coffee when everyone else drinks and I'm just going to make myself stop .
MalloryAnd I felt freaking amazing . I was so excited I was sleeping better , I was crushing into my workouts , I was losing weight that I'd like 10 pounds that I wouldn't budge forever Fell off like that and I was getting to spend money on fun things because I didn't have these big bar bills . It was so amazing and so it just I just felt done . I was like why ? What is the point ? It adds zero value to your life , it shrinks your brain , it opens you up to seven types of cancers and dementia . Like no , I'm done and so I do not judge those in my life . That drink still obviously Like . We all have our own journeys to go on , but for me it just felt like I learned what I needed to learn . I feel like I've had enough wine to last a lifetime . I still get to have so much fun with my friends when they're drinking and I'm having club soda it doesn't bother me . Yeah , it's just this . I needed this hard and fast . I don't need it anymore . So I had my one year in September Congratulations .
SydneyThank you . I love that and you know it is . You touched on the fact that you were able to still go out with your friends and have a good time and it says a lot about those friends , because we all , like you said , are on our own personal journey . I've actually had friends stop inviting me out because I'm not drinking and they're planning on going out and tying one on and I have to say it's a little hurtful because this is my journey and I , like you , don't judge others . If that's what they want to do , that's great , but I think it's up to us to decide if that's something that we want to go and partake in or not .
SydneyAnd I've been around other friends that are still having a good time . We've gone boating . Everybody's drinking , it's great , and I'm sitting there with , like , my probiotic drink or whatever , having a great time and still loving life and there's no judgment . So I think it says a lot more about the people that can't be around sober people while they're drinking than it does about the sober people around
drunk people . So kudos to you for standing your ground and knowing your limits and standing in your beliefs . I think that's so powerful , if there is one thing that you think can help contribute to somebody's sobriety journey ? What is the most important factor that you find through your coaching and your own personal experience that you would say is a must for their journey ? Meditation oh interesting . Tell me more .
MalloryI really think it all starts with meditation , because when you can learn , I think meditation is the beginning of learning . To just sit in your crap , like before meditation , I wasn't aware of my anxiety . It's just , you know , we just are Muslims . It just was like I was just always this neurotic gerbil or like shaking chihuahua , just like so freaking scared all the time and I thought that was normal , like I didn't know there was a different way to be until I learned how to meditate .
MalloryI do guided meditations because sitting in my brain is chaos , so guided meditations really helped me learn to breathe , recognize what my breath was doing and listen to my thoughts , but not let my thoughts guide me . You know , because you think like 60,000 thoughts a day they're not all facts Like sometimes I'll have crazy thoughts and instead of you know before , it would make me really if I had a really absurd thought like your husband's , probably cheating on you that's the first one that comes to mind . That's actually never really a concern of mine he has no game but if I had a thought like that , it would cause a lot of anxiety and then I might drink right , cause that's scary . Yeah , now , because of my meditation practice and everything it's done for me outside of meditation , learning how to like focus on my breath , not follow my thoughts everywhere I can go . Well , that's really silly , and just move on yeah .
SydneyIt's funny how neurotic that little voice inside our head can actually be , and it's almost like having a train derail , because you and I sound very similar and I too , like . I used alcohol even through my teen years as like a social buffer , right . That's just how I learned how to socialize with people . And then it became almost like a crutch , like I was either the shy , quiet girl in the corner who couldn't have conversations with people , or I was like the loud wild party animal because I'd had a few drinks in me . And when you use that as your tool , it honestly just mutes that voice inside your head .
SydneyAnd so when you learn how to sit with yourself , I too have to use guided meditation because it's the only way that I can actually sit still for five minutes and be in my head .
SydneyBut it is a very , very powerful tool when you learn to harness it , and I love it for , like that , future visualization , right , who you want to become becomes more important than what's happening in this moment today , right , when you can visualize and embody that , it doesn't matter if maybe you had a drink and fell off your wagon or whatever it is . You can , you know , pick back up and be better in the next moment and that future visualization has become such a powerful tool for me in my business , in my family life , talking with my husband about where our goals and like what we want to see in our future . And I think that a lot of sobriety is envisioning where you want to be right , who you are going to become , because a lot of people we use alcohol as a crutch and when you take that crutch away you have to learn how to stand on your own two feet and that can be a really daunting task some days .
MalloryYeah , it's so , so well said , and I think that realizing you never needed it is such a profound point and but it takes . It takes time , like it . I know about your experience , but for me , like it was so uncomfortable at first not drinking everyone else was drinking and just letting myself be a human was so uncomfortable , because I am awkward , I am not for everyone and I own that now , but it was how I . I felt like it was okay to connect to somebody If I wasn't drinking , if I didn't have a glass of wine in my hand .
MalloryI didn't trust what I was gonna say , cause I know I'm weird and I felt like if I have wine and I say something ridiculous , I can blame the wine . Yeah , you've got an excuse , right , yes , but then to get to a point where I didn't , I don't need that excuse , and I can just be like , oh sorry , was that not appropriate ? My bad , it took a minute , and I think that it's so hard for people to allow themselves to have that minute , like they , just that we're so conditioned to buffer with alcohol , with food , with scrolling on our phones and to just make yourself sit in it . Yep , it is so uncomfortable at first and that's okay .
SydneyAnd that is okay , right , and I know you're a mom and I am a mom and it's so important to raise our kids to understand that you can ask for what you want in life . That doesn't mean you're always gonna get it , but it's important to speak up about
what you want . And you and I were kind of having a pre-conversation to this recording about people pleasing , and I think that that plays a huge role in it . Our generation , especially as females , were like constantly conditioned to be people pleasers and like we had recorded this episode prior to this and you had said you know what ? I didn't feel my best , do you think we could rerecord it ? And you had felt a little hesitant to even put that question out there .
SydneyAnd I shared a story with you about how I like don't get my nails done regularly and I went to get them done and I was like she's on nail eight and I'm like , ooh , I don't like the shape . But I had to stop and be like could you change the shape ? Like I don't know why that conditioning is so ingrained in us . To speak up for what we want without having some sort of crutch or buffer right , like liberation , to actually speak what's on our mind and voice our opinions and our boundaries and all of that thing . So I mean , I think that could be a whole other episode that we could go into , but I think that that plays a lot of why , you know , our generation ends up using alcohol a lot as this . You know , societal buffer , societal crutch , is the people pleasing conditioning that is so ingrained . Yeah , and I think that's .
MalloryI hear that so often with the initial 30 day , 90 day challenge , whatever your personal goal is , I never push any challenge on anyone . If your goal isn't to be completely sober , I would never push that on you . Maybe a little , but I will respect where you're coming from . But I think with getting used to getting away from people pleasing and sitting in that uncomfortability of asking like hey , I think I sounded like a nitwit , can we please rerecord your podcast ? I was sick . Like letting it be okay to hear no , yeah , letting it be okay for someone to say no , like that's not normal for us . It's so we're so conditioned to . I can't ask because you're gonna hate me and you can't say no because then I'll hate you . It's crazy .
SydneyIt's totally crazy . It's totally crazy , and so I love that there are women like you and myself who are changing the dialogue around this and helping other women change the dialogue as well . I think it's so important so that we can teach our younger generation that it's okay to ask , there's no harm in asking , speak up for what you want , and again that's okay .
MalloryWhat I was gonna say in that rant is people are so scared that they're gonna be judged or ridiculed or whatever . If they have club soda in their cup and their friend has beer in their cup and I know you said you've had friends stop inviting you out . But by and large , no one cares what's in your glass . They don't . Some people have a problem with it because you drinking makes them feel better about their drinking , but that's for them to own , not you . If you don't wanna drink because you don't wanna feel like crap in the morning , you don't wanna headache , you wanna only have one . And then you wanna switch to club soda but you're worried about someone in your group judging you . No one cares what's in your glass . You wanna have club soda or decaf coffee or whatever . No one cares , except for you .
SydneyYeah , yeah . So and it is so important , right , like we've kind of hit this home run it's you are on your own journey , every person is here on their own path , and if we can just have a little more space and respect for the fact that people are on their own journey and on their own space , and there is no judgment and it is a safe place to just be yourself and make your own choices , then I think the world will be a better place . So I love that you are out there helping women do this , coaching , helping them run their own path , empowering them to be the lioness that they are . I just wanna thank you so much for being on the podcast today . If there is any last piece of advice , what would you say to the listeners out there ?
MalloryOh my gosh , I have a million .
I would say let yourself feel uncomfortable . You're not gonna die . And if anything we're saying speaks to you and you want to give sobriety a try , just let yourself feel the feelings and just trust yourself that you're gonna be fine .
SydneyI love that so much and I echo that sentiment you will not die . Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode , where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time . Mallory , I really appreciate you being here . I'm your host , sydney Crowe , and we will see you on the next episode .