Welcome to Conquering Chaos a mom's guide to self-care and sanity . My name is Sydney Crow and I'm your host here today . Today's guest is Cynthia Tamayo . She is located down in Miami , florida , which is a lot warmer than where I am in Canada . She's a licensed marriage and family therapist . I'm going to let her share a little bit more , because she wears a couple other hats under that title . Cynthia , welcome for being here today .
Speaker 2Hi Sydney . Thank you so much for inviting me to be here today . As you mentioned , I am a licensed marriage and family therapist working out of Miami Florida . I also have training in maternal mental health , emdr , which is a trauma-based therapy , and human design .
Speaker 1Amazing . I recently discovered human design myself and I absolutely love this modality . Why don't you explain a little bit of how you got involved with it and maybe what it is for the listeners that don't know what it is ? Okay ?
Speaker 2Human design is a synthesis of astrology , the Chinese I Ching , Kabbalah , the Hindu chakra system and quantum physics . It puts together all these different modalities . From this it generates energetic blueprints . It gives us each we each fall into one of five different energy types . When we understand which energy type we fall into , then it allows us to make decisions that are more aligned with who we are . It allows us to leverage our energy in a way that feels better for each one of us . When I discovered human design , it was a game changer for me in terms of the work that I do .
Speaker 2I work with a lot of couples and I work with moms and families In understanding the different energy types . It allows you to connect with your family members in a way that allows each individual to be seen , Because we can get into the habit of trying to condition our children based on our own frame of reference , Because that's what we know . What we know is what we're going to try to teach . When we understand that our children may be showing up with a different energetic blueprint , then we're able to parent to that and to who they are instead of from our own experience . It has also changed the way that I relate to my partner .
Speaker 2We have two completely different energy types . Being able to understand that allows me to give myself some grace in how I show up , but also to have some compassion for him and the way that he shows up within our relationship and within the family dynamic . That has been so helpful . I use it with my clients all the time to help them also have . There's a deep sense of resonance . When you see your energetic blueprint , this sigh of relief , I'm like okay , that's who I am , that's really to my core who I am . It almost gives us this freedom and permission to show up authentically and unapologetically and then allowing , and then we can each create a dynamic that is supportive of that , instead of creating constant resistance and push pull .
Speaker 1I love that so much . I think that's a key thing that a lot of moms feel that they need is that permission , right Relief and conditioning and things like that . That played a huge role in my mental wellness . I know it played a huge role in my client's mental wellness because we have this should mentality . I wish that that word would just get stricken from the English language because it creates so much pressure on us In a human design . Like you , it has allowed me to start showing up more authentically for myself , parenting differently . My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years . I know you and your partner have been as well . When you can understand why or the how that that person is showing up , it just creates so much less friction .
Speaker 1Yes , I love that so much . That's really cool that you are also into human design . You've been doing it a lot longer than I have , but it's just such a really great tool to have in your back pocket when you really can understand how to leverage it . I think it's just like you mentioned . It's just such a game changer . Yes , we had briefly mentioned about how we help moms with their struggles and we want to normalize this burnout and overwhelm and helping them get out of that mindset . Tell me a little bit more on how you help your clients with that .
Speaker 2When I transition , I feel like there has been a turning point . There's a pre and post pandemic experience for everybody . When I started taking on clients , I had already been taking on clients , but during the pandemic I noticed that I was seeing a new influx of clients that were very much in the same season of life and motherhood , that I am Parenting young children . I have two kids , a daughter who's six and a son who's nine , and I was finding that moms that were coming in were really struggling A lot of postpartum depression , postpartum anxiety , and I was surprised to see the number of moms that were coming in that were experiencing suicidal ideation . And this is something that a lot of moms are not discussing outside of the therapeutic setting and sometimes not even within the therapeutic setting , because there's this fear that if they express this , that there may be real consequences , right Like their children get taken from them , or even consequences like feeling not heard or seen if people are not listening to their concerns or their feelings or to how they're showing up . So as I was sitting there contemplating like , why are we having such ? Why are so many moms experiencing this ? Why are so many moms burnt out ? Why are they experiencing this deep sense of sadness and feeling lost and overwhelmed . And what I recognized when I was thinking about it and kind of took this step back to see the big picture , was that there has been a significant change that has happened over the past decades that the family system hasn't caught up to .
Speaker 2And when I mentioned the family system , just to give a little bit of a difference between being a licensed marriage and family therapist and being a mental health counselor , is that the way that I view my work is through a systemic perspective . So I believe that the individual impacts the system and the system is impacted by the individual . Right , whereas mental health is more focused on , like the individual and pathology . For me it's more of like this interaction between the individual and the system . And then sometimes symptomology will show up and usually the individual will hold space for the symptomology , but it's usually an indicator that there's something wrong in the system in which that individual exists , right . So when I was looking at it from that perspective , I realized that post-feminist movement right , when women were able to enter the workforce which was beautiful in many ways right Women were offered opportunities that we had never been offered before and that many women had had dreamed of having these opportunities and we had all these opportunities to work , to pursue our dreams , to do all these things that we had never imagined doing . And then we started doing these things and the family system never shifted to adjust for that right . So we're still implementing the old paradigm of mom being home and dad being the person that goes out and makes the money . We're still implementing that .
Speaker 2And before , when moms were home even if that's not , let's say , mom didn't want to do that right . She didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom , didn't want to be responsible for all the home stuff . There was a very clear role and responsibility and dad had a very clear role and responsibility , even if that wasn't what he wanted to do . Everybody had a job . Now , if the jobs became blurred , there was like these there weren't clear lines over who's supposed to be doing what , and because moms had been doing all the home stuff before , they just kind of kept that system in place and moms were feeling overwhelmed because now they're doing all the stuff they were doing before and doing all this other stuff and feeling burnt out .
Speaker 2So what I started to create in that process and what became very evident to me was that we needed to spend some time shifting the family system .
Speaker 2The families need some guidance on how to do this , because I noticed that even with the most well-intended partners who want to be involved , they don't know how to . They don't know where to start because no one has modeled this for them before . I remember one day I was sitting in the garage getting ready to work out with my husband and I look at him and I just start crying and he's like what's wrong ? And I'm like I feel overwhelmed , and he's like well , how can I help ? And I couldn't even answer that question . I couldn't even tell him how he could help because I didn't know , because I hadn't spent the time to sit down and really be clear about what is it that I want ? What is it that needs to be done ? Who can help me with the things that need to be done so that I can alleviate some of that burden and still pursue the things that were burning in my heart and still be very present and show up for my family in a way that supported them ?
Speaker 1Yeah , I mean that's so powerful and I think a lot of women , like you mentioned , that you were noticing , are in the same boat . Right , I have an incredibly supportive husband , but there are so many times where he'll say , what can I do to help ? And I'm like I just kind of need you to do something . But I don't know what to actually articulate here , because even when we have somebody that's maybe helping out with the cooking and the cleaning and like the yard work and whatever else needs to be done around the house , it's the mental load and the scheduling and all of that that women take on , right , like I still do all of the girls' activities and their routines , and he's great about picking them up , but I have to do the scheduling , like so there's a mental load and that's , I think , the invisible layer that a lot of women are dealing with .
Speaker 1That just compounds , right , we lie in bed and it's like all of these things that are running through in our list to get done . Men no offense , like there's no ill intention here for men , but their brains just work differently and that's just a scientific fact . Like they don't have that same mental load and that constant running list , even when they are the most involved in the household . So , yeah , I mean , that's a really key piece and such a powerful thing that you can bring to the coaching market and I'm very , very impressed . What sort of solutions are you finding that you bring to the table for them specifically ?
Speaker 2So I worked on developing a specific coaching model to help the families address this and what I realized are the four areas that if families can really dive deep and address these specific areas , then they can create and individualize family dynamic there works for them . So the name of the program is the Thriving Families Coaching Program and it has four pillars . And these four pillars , they can be done in my mind when I think about them , I think about them in succession , I think eventually what I want to do is create an assessment so that I can see where families are at within these four modules , so that I know where to start with an individual family . But right now , like I said , in my mind it's kind of like a progression through the four pillars . And the first pillar is the wellbeing of the mom . And the reason why this is the first pillar is because , well , first of all , research supports that if mom is doing well , then that kind of trickles down to the rest of the family . So if mom is feeling supported and healthy and all the things , then mom is able to hold the system in a way that will allow the system to thrive .
I also believe that moms are the portals of the system . I think they are the first ones to seek out help if there's something going on within the system and we can get into many theories as to why it's probably mom and or women that are most likely to do that , but we can leave that for another time . But moms are the ones that are usually going to seek out help first and I think that moms also have the leverage to shift the system right . Because if mom is able to change and I say this to everybody when it comes to couples therapy or when people come in with family dynamic issues or like , let's say , I have a partner come in and they're like , oh , I really wanted to therapy , but my partner doesn't wanna join me , and I'm like it's okay , relationships are reciprocal , right . So once you start to shift , the system has to shift around you . Is the shift in the system always gonna be a positive one ? Maybe not , but it's going to create a shift , because you can't respond Once you show up differently . They have to respond or react differently . So I feel like when moms come in and they're able to get the support , then they can kind of bring the system along with them .
Speaker 2So wellbeing of the mom is the first pillar . So here we work on making sure that mom is clear on what she wants , what she desires , that she's like , does she has an awareness or clarity around what it is that she needs , before she then goes into the system and is like , okay , now we're gonna change things to make sure that it's supportive of me , because if it's supportive of me , then I will make sure that everybody else is taken care of and not that the responsibility of taking care of falls on mom . I just think that I think , being moms , that is usually at the forefront for us anyways , right , and we tend to put ourselves last to be able to take care of our family . So we're automatically going to do that here . What I'm trying to do is create a shift so that mom takes care of herself and then continues to take care of her family , but does it from a place of wellbeing instead of from a place of deficit .
Speaker 2The second pillar is partnership .
Speaker 2So this is working with the couple , right , because now we wanna bring dads in , because moms are not gonna do this alone .
Speaker 2Moms have been doing this alone for a long time , right ?
Speaker 2So the second part of the pillar is to bring dads into , or partners into the situation . And again , this doesn't have to be moms and mom or dad right , it could be mom , mom , dad , dad because I feel like even in same-sex relationships , there's still these roles that are taken on in terms of who does what and how everything is managed . So when dads come in and the partnership is discussed , now we're talking about getting on the same page about what it is that we want for our family and how we want our parents , and this is one of the things that I wish I had done . I hadn't been with my partner for a long time before we decided to have children , but we never really . I realized that when we had children , a lot of the quote unquote weaknesses in our relationship were really exposed and highlighted , because it wasn't until we had to pass on our values , way of being , way of showing up onto our family system and onto our children that we realized that there were some areas that we were not on the same page .
Speaker 2So I can wait to that I mean , and it's like I mean , we have gotten along a long time without doing any of this . So this is the time where the partnership can sit back and mom can come in and say , ok , I've done the work , I know what it is that I want and what I need . Now I want to hear what you want and what you need , and I want us to talk about what it is that we want for our family , like what are the things that are important ? What are the things that are not important ? What are the things that we can release and let go of right that we've been told are important for our family ? It doesn't really make sense or matter . So , really becoming clear on this foundation and creating a cohesive line of communication and a strong foundation so that they can work from there and this second pillar then ties into the third pillar , which is the home logistics , and home logistics is the idea of running the home like a business . So once you're clear on what mom needs and what the partnership needs and envisions for the whole family system , now they can create action steps that are aligned with that and they're going to support that right . So here we can talk about resourcing . Like what are the things that we can take off our plate ? Are there things that we can bring in people from the outside to help us with who's going to do what right ? And can we be very clear about who's doing what and make sure that when people are taking on those responsibilities , they're taking full responsibility for it , right From beginning to end , and that it's not kind of like piecemealed or again mom delegating all this stuff and everybody else kind of following orders , but that everybody kind of knows ? Ok , I'm responsible for this area . I'll give an example of that .
Speaker 2My son plays football and for a long time I would do all the registering him , making sure he had his uniform , communicating with the coach , knowing when there was time off , knowing when , and then my husband would take him to practice and to the games . And at some point I sat down after he had asked me that day , like what can I do to help ? I went back and was like , ok , what's something I can take off my plate . And then I came back to him and I said you can handle the ball from beginning to end , right , like all the things , communicating , registering all of this stuff . And he was like , ok , I can do that . And then I realized so we have a group chat on WhatsApp and I would still go in there and respond or do things . And he's like , hey , because that's another part of it , right . So I realized that I would still meddle on things that I would ask my husband to take over .
Speaker 2So it was really also having that awareness of this is what we agreed on . This was the plan . Now can I , as mom , step back and trust that , because all of us have the same goal in mind and we want to function as a team and thrive that everybody else will play their role right , even the kids . So from the third pillar of home logistics we go to the fourth pillar , which is parenting , and I feel like if we have the first three pillars are very strong , then the fourth pillar becomes kind of easy . And what I mean by easy is that we already have the vision right . We already know where we're going and what we're doing . Now all we have to do with the fourth pillar is parent to the child that we have , and this is where the human design comes into play again , because I feel like if I can look at my child and parent to who they are , then half the battle is won , right ?
Speaker 2I have taken a lot of parenting courses myself . I have taught a lot of parenting courses as a clinician , and I was always left feeling frustrated or noticed that my clients were frustrated , because it becomes a one-size-fits-all and what happens is that If the method that you're teaching me doesn't work for my family , then I'm left with one of two conclusions I'm a failure as a parent or my child is broken . Both of those options do not feel good and they don't leave a lot of space for growth or hope . What I recognize is that a lot of these parenting programs have a lot of value and a lot that they can bring to the table . The thing is that they need to be used properly .
Speaker 2Once I understand who my child is then I can look at all these programs that I've taken and I can be like which one of these techniques or methods work for the child that's standing in front of me . I love that . Then this doesn't leave me feeling and it might take a little bit of trial and error . We may have to try a few different tools , but at least we'll know where to start , whereas I think when we're just blindly implementing them , then we're probably going to burn out before we land on the method that actually works for our child . My children are completely different . I have a projector daughter , I have a generator son completely different profile lines . I know that the way that I connect with them is different and I know that the problems that they're going to experience in the world and I already see it are going to be different and very specific for each one of them . Because I have this awareness , I know how to guide them .
Speaker 1Yeah , which is such a powerful tool ? Because , at the end of the day , we're all humans , which makes us all completely different . There isn't a one-size-fits-all I think we had touched on this in our conversation ahead of time where the systems that have been around for all of these decades are a little dated and a little broken . Right now , when we look at the school system and the healthcare system and all of these things that are basically designing to put our kids in a one-size-fits-all , it doesn't work that way , and so when you can give them the tools and you can give them the guidance that's specifically tailored for their needs and their issues and how they operate and show up in the world , then it's just going to set them up for better success down the road . So I absolutely love your program . I think it's so important that you start with pillar number one .
Speaker 1The moms , like you had mentioned , were always last on our list . That is where my coaching program was born . It's myself , it was just I needed to learn how to put myself back on the list . And you talked a lot about the guilt and the shame that a lot of these moms feel for these thoughts that they're having , and that's where my whole self-discovery and journey began myself Because at one point I was looking at one-way tickets to Hawaii because I thought my family might be better off without me , because mentally I was just like I kind of wanted a refund on adulting . I didn't think that life was supposed to be this . Day in , day out , groundhog day , repeat that I was feeling and I felt so much guilt around the feelings and the thoughts that I was having because I was like on the outside , my life looks pretty good . Why do I have these thoughts ? Why am I not showing up authentically ? Why am I feeling like I'm a failure every single day ? And at the end of the day those were all just a normal progression in my journey and I had to learn how to fill my cup up so that I could pour into my family .
So I think that pillar number one is definitely going to be a great starting point for all of your clients . I love the idea of doing almost like a Wheel of Life assessment that you had mentioned for your program to figure out , kind of , where their strengths are and their weaknesses . I think that's such a beautiful , beautiful concept that you've created and I think you're going to just leave a lasting impact for moms and by that leave a lasting impact for families and communities around the world . Hopefully you did mention earlier that you have a self-care by design opt-in for people . Tell me a little bit about that . Yes , so .
Speaker 2I have a self-care by design opt-in which they can go to my website and get a free copy of it , and what this guideline does is that it provides them tips on how to structure their self-care according to their energy type . They can also get their human design chart on my website for free . So when they pull up their human design chart , they're going to look at what their energy type is one of the five energy types and then they can pull up the guide and look at , according to the five energy types , which one they've fallen in , and it's going to tell them what to leverage in order to be able to best take care of themselves . So , for example , if you have a projector mom or any of the non-sacral energy types which are projectors , reflectors and manifestors , they are going to have to resource their energy in a different way because they don't have access to continuous energy like generators or manifesting generators do . So this means that for any of the non-sacral moms , it's going to be hard for them to do all the things right . Like to have 100 extracurricular activities for their kids , to be that mom that shows up with like goodie bags every time there's a holiday at school . Like they're going to really have to think about what are the things that are a priority to me and my family , so that I can pour my energy into that and make sure that those things are done and then kind of let go of all these other things and let go of the pressure and the shame again around this idea that I should be that mom because and that's where the permission comes in right , I think when you see like oh , I'm a projector mom , like that's not aligned for me , I'm not supposed to be doing all that stuff , you can release it and not feel guilt .
Speaker 2And this is just one example of the self care . There's other examples on there of how to leverage the self care , because self care is something I talk about a lot with my clients . But I realize it's become a buzzword , right , and self-care has gotten to the point where , if we don't do it properly , it actually becomes one more to-do thing on our list . That feels overwhelming and that's not the point of self-care . Self-care is supposed to be restorative , right . It's supposed to bring us back to our baseline of functioning and alignment .
Speaker 2And the self-care by design opt-in is actually directly pulled out of a program that I'm launching in January , which is related to the first pillar well-being of the mom , and the program is called Rise Into Motherhood and it's a four-month container where I will be working with 10 moms in each cohort , and I'm doing it twice a year , at the beginning of the year and in the fall , because summers I don't know about for you , but I know that for me , summers are a hot mess in terms of , like , trying to plan things , because it's a lot of planning around the kids and doing . You know it's a little bit slower , it's busy in the doing things with the family and then slower in some ways in terms of it's less structured . So I know it's harder for moms to plan this type of program during the summer . So we'll be taking a break during the summer and I'll be bringing 10 moms in and throughout this process I will be initiating them from Made Into Motherhood , even if they've been a mom for a long time , Cause I promise you that most of them have not intentionally gone through this process of integrating who they were before having kids and who they are now that they have kids in a way that allows them to retain the parts of themselves that they want to carry on into motherhood without believing that they have to let go of it all , which a lot of times we do where they can integrate those parts and where they can also have awareness of the parts that they can release .
Speaker 2So RISE is an acronym and each part of the program will focus . So , like the first one is Release , Reclaim , Rebirth , so each one has a module that we'll walk them through . So I'll have them . I'll walk them through .
Speaker 2What kind of mom do you want to be ?
Speaker 2What is your identity ? How do you take care of yourself ? Like the S is self-care , sacred moments and soul expansion . So we'll be talking about tapping into how to expand their soul . What are the mindfulness ? So I use techniques like mindfulness , meditation , EFT , emotional freedom techniques , which people know it as tapping .
Speaker 2I will be using human design . So I will be bringing them through this four month container and at the end of the program they'll have a clear identity and idea around who they are as this individual , who is now a mom , and how they can show up in a way that honors who they are authentically as an individual and from that place then enter their family system and again shift that dynamic as they move through the other pillar . So this would be like the initiation into the first pillar of the coaching program and they'll really be held and there'll be a lot of like deep processing and tools that they will gain from the program . And on the module of self-care , we will be bringing in the human design and that's where this opt-in comes from , because that's what we'll be working on , or one of the things we'll be working on when we talk about self-care is understanding their human design and how to use that to plan self-care in a way that makes sense .
Speaker 1I love that so much and I deal with that a lot with my clients too In the beginning , where self-care just feels like one more thing . Some moms are like what do you mean ? I need to take a night off once a week , or an afternoon off and I'm like just do something for yourself .
Speaker 1And they can't quite comprehend that in the beginning . There's so much deep work that needs to be released in order for them to actually be able to show up for themselves in a way that makes sense , and so using human design to allow them to do that even more authentically . I think it's such a beautiful concept . So kudos to you . You guys , we will put those links on how you can find Cynthia , how you can get access to her self-care by design and , I'm sure , other information on her programs . Cynthia , I have really enjoyed having you here today . Thank you for tuning in to today's episode , where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time .