Hello , hello everybody , welcome back to Conquering Chaos . I am so excited today to have Deanna Breakfield here from Birmingham , alabama . So , as you guys know , my name is Sydney Crowe . I am your host of this podcast where we help moms conquer chaos one day at a time , and today we're going to dive in and hear Deanna's story and learn more about her family and how she conquers chaos every single day . Deanna , welcome .
Speaker 2Thank you .
Speaker 1So you were just telling me that you're from Birmingham , Alabama , and your husband and your kiddos are on the spectrum . So why don't you tell us a little bit about your story and where you guys are from and what your day-to-day looks like ?
Speaker 2Well , me and my husband have been married for just over 16 years . When I first met him I didn't , I just thought he was weird . It took him a while before he disclosed to me that he was autistic , that he's diagnosed Asperger's . It was a learning curve , you know , I'd never really been around somebody that was neurodivergent before , but it was also very , very rewarding . He's not like , he's not overly masculine , he's not aggressive the way a lot of men can be sometimes . And you know it was just . It was amazing . I'd never met anybody like him . And then we had our first and I love him to pieces .
Speaker 2But by the time he was a year old we knew that something was a little off . By the time he was two , we had an official diagnosis and his is worse than his dad's . So dealing with a toddler that does not behave like a normal toddler can be very challenging , especially when they're on the spectrum , because everything goes to 10 really , really fast . And you know he wasn't crazy when we gave him a little sister . He wasn't crazy about it . He actually asked us when she was a month old if we could take her back because she was too loud .
Speaker 2Oh , yeah , and then we got our third several years later and by then we had our daughter had been diagnosed ADHD and by the time our third was four , he had been diagnosed ADHD , which you know . I've heard rumors that they're trying to put ADHD on the spectrum . I'm not sure if they've actually done that yet or not , but it was . It was really interesting learning how to balance all of these very different personalities and very strong personalities , because that is the only way to describe them . They all know what they want , right when they want it .
Speaker 1Yeah , I love to call mine a strong willed blessing .
Speaker 2Absolutely . And then two years ago we got our youngest . So now we're watching her because a lot of those early signs are starting to show up , although you know they don't unless they're actually like heavily autistic . They don't want to diagnose them very , very young . So you know , now we have a two year old , a nine year old , a 14 year old and a 17 year old being parented by me , who doesn't feel or neurotypical anymore , and my husband , and so it can get very , very chaotic in our house some days .
Speaker 1Yeah , so tell me a little bit about how you balanced that out , because you also told me that you've started a business this year as well , so you've got a lot on the go .
Speaker 2And they're homeschooled , so we're all under each other's feet constantly .
Speaker 1I don't know how you do it .
Speaker 2It has challenges , but it's been very rewarding because my kids seem to thrive a lot better away from the typical brick and mortar environment , which was one of the few blessings that COVID gave us . I had never considered homeschooling them before and then , you know , covid hit in here . We started spring break and then two days before spring break was over , they said , oh , the kids aren't coming back . And I went what ? No , you got to take a back . You got to . But homeschooling was actually the answer to our problems , because my husband , you know he'd always struggled to hold down a job although he did he was a very good provider . But when my children didn't have to go back to the brick and mortar they weren't exposed to the constant over stimulation of a room full of peers they actually began to thrive a little bit better than I expected them to . It's all about organization . That is most definitely the key . Everybody has to know what they're doing , when they're doing it and what their expectations are .
Speaker 1So tell me a little bit about how you organize your homeschooling and your guys's day to day . Like , do you guys have visual , visual schedules up on the wall ? Are you guys more tech based and everybody kind of can follow their own routines ? What does that look like for you guys ?
Speaker 2I actually have a giant notebook that I call the log book and every Sunday night I sit down and I go through everyone's schedule for the next week who has to be where , when , what live lessons , what chores need to be accomplished and everybody gets assigned a Monday through Sunday schedule so that they can actually they do a lot of self accountability because they all know and can see , lined up beside each other , who's supposed to do what . They actually help each other thrive instead of me having to be on top of them constantly .
Speaker 1I love that . That's amazing .
Speaker 2And my youngest son , the nine year old . He has he's still using the chore chart , which is I actually have a thing that hangs on the wall that's got clothes pins on it , and on each clothes pin is written what chores he's supposed to do . And so he , like most young kids , he loves the interactive aspect of it where oh , I finished that I get to move the clothes pin . Yeah , and look , mom , they're all on the right side .
Speaker 1I love that and it gives them such that , like you said , a sense of accomplishment and that rewarding behavior and , as well as that , independence . And it's interesting because my kids are also very visual . So my daughter has a genetic we call it a genetic superpower called Leidman Steiner syndrome and with that comes a lot of ADHD , autism type behaviors and so . But she's always been a very , very visual learner . So we didn't get her diagnosis until she was almost nine and so we had an ADHD diagnosis but a lot of other things were just kind of slipping through the cracks and so when she was younger I built her a visual chart where she could physically move her face down these little Velcro things right , so she could learn her morning routine right Get up , get dressed , make her bed , eat her breakfast , go to the bathroom , brush her teeth and so she was able to visually move her face down this board . And it's amazing what a visual stimulation can do for kids that have these extra sensory needs , because it really does give them that sense of accomplishment .
Speaker 2One of our favorite tools in our classroom space is I've actually it's a cheap clock that I got from Walmart and I took markers and I drew all over the clock . So this section of time is for breakfast and this section of time is for schoolwork , and so on and so forth all the way around the clock . And they had absolutely loved that because it makes it so easy .
Speaker 1Yeah , because it takes a lot of effort to learn how to tell time and then to understand the time management piece of it is like a whole extra layer that my kids tend to really struggle with and I think a lot of other kids that have those extra sensory needs do as well . They just they get really fixated on the one task or something that's really interesting to them and the concept of time just becomes completely oblivious to them .
Speaker 2Absolutely . I mean time blindness is a huge problem because they think , oh , I've only been doing this for five minutes and they look up and know it's been an hour . Yeah , because they were just so fixated .
Speaker 1Yeah , so tell me about that . Like , are all of your kids quite different in that aspect , or are they very similar in a lot of ways ?
Speaker 2No , they are all dynamically different personalities . My oldest is the one that has it the worst . He has no concept of time whatsoever . He'll be sitting there and he thinks that he's been goofing off on his phone for just a few minutes . And I'm like son , have you done your chores yet ? Have you spent any time outside yet ? Did you take a shower today ? And he's like but it's just the morning . No , sir , it's almost dinner time . Yes , wow , my daughter . She's a lot better . But my older daughter , she's a lot better about it . She's a lot like me . She's also very mama duck , so she likes to stay on top of everybody and I think that's helped her be more aware of her surroundings , because part of her is management knowing where everybody is and what they should be doing . Because if her little world is not arranged correctly around her , it stresses her out and her anxiety kicks off . Really bad .
Speaker 1Yes , ok , that's really interesting . I'm always so intrigued by the fact that two sets of parents can make such vastly different children .
Speaker 2Oh , absolutely , absolutely .
Speaker 1So when we Talk about mental health because that is a key conversation in my household what does that mean to you and your home ?
Speaker 2It used to mean everybody has their own space and everybody leaves each other alone , because it was really hard for them to interact with each other when they were little , we actually had violent outbursts between my older two where they would physically harm each other . As they've gotten older , it's meant better communication skills . You have to tell people when you are stressed out as soon as it starts to happen , because if you don't , it's going to blow up and it's going to cause problems amongst everybody .
Speaker 1Yes , yeah , communication is definitely a really key piece to it .
How do you find that your mental health , dealing with everything that you have going on , how do you maintain ? That , I guess , is a good question .
Speaker 2I'll be honest , when they were younger I didn't . I didn't handle it very well at all . I would blow up sometimes and get extremely stressed out and just have to literally . I would literally get in the car and just drive for 10 or 15 minutes just for the silence . As they've gotten older , I've learned to communicate with them a lot better . Now that they communicate , they actually hear me , which is something that you know smaller children and toddlers struggle with because they can't even understand their emotions . So if I look at somebody and say I need 10 minutes , they're like okay and they'll back off . And it's hard for them . They struggle with it . But they know that if they make mom blow her top , that nothing is going to get accomplished , they're not going to be heard and they're just going to feel worse at the end of the day .
Speaker 1I love that . Yeah , I mean being able to communicate our needs and take that five to 10 minute break is a key piece for sure . Would you say that you are actively pursuing your own self care needs ?
Speaker 2Now , yes , my husband and I actually came to a head about five years ago where I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and after a little bit of therapy we figured out that a lot of it was my lack of communication .
Speaker 2Believe it or not , I was internalizing so much of what was going on in the house and not expressing to them that my needs were just as important as theirs , that , even though that I was mom , that if they didn't help me take care of me , that they could lose me . That that was a very real possibility and it's honestly it scared my older children and it scared my husband . And but once we realized that , you know , after everybody goes to bed at night , don't start coming and bugging mom . That is my quiet time . If you get up early in the morning and mom is sitting on the back porch with her cup of coffee , now is not the time . She needs the ability to energize for the day , to prepare for everything that's going to come , because you know , with so many , what was the word you use ? What do you call them ?
Speaker 1Strong word blessings .
Speaker 2With so many strong willed blessings , you have to take the mental , the actual time to prepare yourself , because if you don't , it just stacks on all throughout the day .
Speaker 1Yeah , so and thank you for sharing that , because I think a lot of moms get to that point right we're always last on the list .
Speaker 1You know , I feel like it's partly innately our nature where we want to just do for everybody and provide and create that loving home environment for our kids and make sure that they never go without anything .
Speaker 1But also I feel like there is this societal pressure that moms have to , you know , have the house clean and raise the kids , and now we have the careers and we have , like , the list goes on and on and on , and that societal pressure to like , be due and have everything is an extra layer that you know . I don't think we've realized through the feminine revolution that we would come to this point where , all of a sudden , we're taking on absolutely every aspect of every piece of life and just getting buried with it , and so how did you take that moment of break down and turn it into ? I can have some quiet mornings on the porch with my coffee and I need to have quiet time in the evening . What are some other self-care things that you look at and what were the steps that you were able to implement to get you to where you are today ?
Speaker 2Oh gosh , it took me stepping away . I actually went and stayed with my parents for about a week and , as crazy as it sounds , I let my husband handle the kids and let them handle him , and they realized how much they actually needed me here . And that added layer of perspective made them realize how badly that they had been treating me . And I hate to put it that way , but when you're dealing with spectrum kids , they don't actually understand how their interactions affect other people until it becomes glaringly obvious . And you know , once it did , they were like . My husband was like okay , what do you need ? What do we need to do ? And that was the biggest blessing right there the fact that he actually began to appreciate me as more than just the lady that made sure the clothes were clean and that meals were cooked and the kids were alive .
Speaker 2The implementation you know that's such a big word because it's not like you just decide to do it overnight . No , it's little things . Well , what do I need to calm down ? What do I need to do to make sure that I'm going to be successful and it builds over time ? And that's the main thing Patience and time . You have to be patient and you have to give it time . If you don't , you're just making yourself angry and frustrated . Yeah .
Speaker 1I mean that is a key piece , right , it doesn't happen overnight and especially when you have kids on the spectrum or dealing with extra layers of medical needs or just you know , a strong willed blessing that is just innately strong willed . There is a different like , there is a layer of having that , holding that space and that patience for them and yourself . That was a big piece for myself was learning how to give myself enough grace because , like you said , like we're not perfect , you still have moments where you blow up . I do too . It's not a perfect system parenting . You know we're human beings for a reason and it doesn't . We don't just fit in a box just because we've identified what that box needs to look like doesn't mean we're always going to fit in there and so , yeah , just allowing myself enough grace and time and patience was also a key piece for me . In terms of resources , do you have any specific resources that you've used to help transform your parenting style ?
Speaker 2Oddly enough , outside of you know , speaking with different moms in different groups at different times , not specifically . I mean , I've read quite a few books through the years about communication skills , because that is the , in my opinion , the biggest problem that most families have is they don't know how to communicate with each other , and when they do , they don't know what to say , because you never want to hurt the people that you love and so you know you don't want to tell them when something isn't working , because what if they take it personally ? What if they think I'm blaming ? So any , any mentor that can show you how better to communicate with someone ? Go for it , because they all have very similar messages .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , I agree , and you don't want to feel like you're walking on eggshells , right ? And I think that a lot of times when you're dealing with matters of the heart and the people that are closest to you , sometimes you can feel like you're walking on eggshells , like you said , because you don't want to hurt their feelings . But I mean , when I think back to my personal story , I was , I kept a lot of things inside out of fear . I didn't . I was fearful of the judgment . I was fearful that if I was actually honest with what I was feeling and thinking that , you know , somebody might come and take my kids away from me because I might be an unfit mother , because these thoughts were like just racing through my head , that and I was like man , like on the outside I feel like everything looks good , but inside I was just a mess and I didn't even even though I , like you , I have a very supportive husband and you know he would go to the ends of the earth for me .
Speaker 1I was afraid to even speak my truth to him in those darkest moments because I didn't want to hurt his feelings . I didn't want to . You know , yeah , there was just . There was a lot of fear there . So I think communication is a really , really important skill and when you learn how to open up in a way that you're not coming from an attacking standpoint and that's , I think , the key piece with communication also is that you do it in a calm environment , and sometimes feelings and emotions can run really high in certain situations and if you then decide to spew all of your feelings and thoughts in those moments , they don't land in the right way . So it's about timing well .
Speaker 2Absolutely . And sometimes you've just got to let it go . And I don't mean the communication , I mean the chaos . You know it doesn't matter if they didn't pick up their toys , it's not going to be the end of the world .
Speaker 1You know you're not going to lose your house because the dishes didn't get washed before bed priorities 100% and I think there's as parents there , you have this idea of what you think things should be and I honestly I wish we could stricken the word should from the English language because we need to shut ourselves like right out the window . Honestly , it just creates that extra layer of pressure that I was talking about earlier and I had to let go of , like , for example , how my daughter put her clothes in her dresser and my husband finally just looked at me one day and he's like her dresser closes . What does it matter if you can't ? Like you don't need to look in there anymore , if it causes you this much stress and anxiety because her clothes are just like in a heap in there , I don't look in there anymore and I was like , oh , that's , that's actually really good advice . Like I don't need to look in there , it's her dresser .
Speaker 2That's why my teenage daughter's door stays closed . It doesn't smell . I don't need to know what's going on in there , because she's one of those that likes to pile things and it doesn't matter what it is . There are little piles all over her room and it like no , I can't even see it . I have to pretend it doesn't exist .
Speaker 1And she probably knows what's in every single pile and what they're all organized for , and if you go in and move things it's just a hot mess . So absolutely . I can relate to that wholeheartedly
. Is there anything else regarding conquering your daily chaos that you would like the listeners to know about you ?
Speaker 2Oh , my goodness , remember at the end of the day that , no matter how stressed you might be , your kids love you . You are their world . I can't remember where I heard it , but a long time ago I heard somebody say that mother is God in the eyes of a child . And as long as you know , they know that you love them , it will be okay .
Speaker 1That's a beautiful quote , really beautiful . Thank you for sharing that , and I think that's all my questions for today . We'll make sure to put your links down below so if you guys want to follow Deanna , you'll be able to do that and get connected with her and learn more about her journey in a very neurodivergent household , and we will talk to you guys later . This is Sydney , wishing you guys a really great day and we will conquer the chaos one day at a time .