Hello , hello everybody , welcome to Conquering Chaos a mom's guide to self-care and sanity . I'm your host , sydney Crow , and today we have the lovely guest Lauren Kerr Hurley from Houston , texas . Welcome , lauren Hi . Thanks for having me . I am so excited to do this topic today . We are going to talk a lot about ADHD and the household , and you are a professional college professor and you teach history . Is that correct ? That's correct .
Speaker 2I've been at a community college for a long time , and before then I taught high school college prep . I've taught in the UK , I've taught in America , I've taught all over the place . Middle school , high school , I've done it all . But community college , I think , is my real calling . I really enjoy it .
Speaker 1Oh , I love that . Congratulations . It's exciting that you've been able to travel all over the world with your career . Are you happy settling in Houston , houston's home , now ? It ?
Speaker 2is . I'm a fourth generation Houstonian and I was lucky enough to purchase my grandmother's house before she passed away . So that's really special to me . So families here , but also a job I really love . So we just take off in the summers for a couple months at a time , so it's kind of the best of both worlds .
Speaker 1So that you don't melt . Yes , exactly , I have the opposite problem up in Canada . We were just talking about how it's getting a little chilly up here for me . So tell me a little bit about your family . We've talked a lot about or I mentioned that we were going to talk about ADHD , so why don't you tell the listeners why you're here and what we're going to talk about today ? Sure Well .
Speaker 2I have a coaching business for executive function and I have been teaching study skills for 20 years . I've been helping students be successful in school , both in the classroom and privately , for a long time , but when I learned about executive functioning a couple years ago being the processes and the brain that help you get things done , it kind of connected everything , it brought everything together , and it was a way of explaining why it's a challenge for us . In some areas , where it might not be for someone else , we used to kind of think it was personality or learning styles , but really it's about how your brain works , and so one thing that prompted the business is that a couple years ago , my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD . It was during COVID , and so we were in lockdown and my husband and I are both educators , and so both of us were trying to run our own classrooms online while she was doing her schoolwork at home , speaking of chaos , and we noticed some things about her having difficulty focusing , things like that that weren't really a problem in school , because she was well behaved , she was smart , so there wasn't any issues in the classroom , but when she was at home , we were noticing these things and we didn't know , like . Is this because she's seven ? Is it because there's a global pandemic and her whole life has been disrupted ? We didn't really know . But as things started to return to I won't say normal , but time progressed , we noticed some things at home , that there were some age inappropriate tantrums and things like that . Just emotional regulation was really difficult and the focus issues got more intense .
Speaker 2So my husband actually had always suspected about himself that he might have ADHD and so he did like a quiz online for her . You know , really scientific . But then we went to her pediatrician and the pediatrician said , yes , I recommend you get her tested . And while she was getting the testing it was about three minutes into it the neurologist said , yes , you have ADHD , we'll keep doing the test , but yes , you have it .
Speaker 2And then in the process of that he said which parent has trouble focusing ? And our kiddo said , well , daddy . And so he actually took it upon himself to do the testing just a couple months later . And so in the span of a couple months we had two diagnoses for ADHD and that knowledge really changed our lives . Some of the conflict that we had had as spouses was illuminated , because I was getting upset for him living dishes in the sink , but his brain really did not notice that there were dishes there . He knew that he had to do the dishes every day and he would do them , but that was routine and not , you know , an awareness issue . So once both of them got on medication and we did behavioral therapy and made a ton of changes in our own home , life just got a lot easier and we understand each other a lot better now .
Speaker 1I can only imagine I mean , it's something that I've suspected for myself . My daughter is also 10 and has an ADHD diagnosis that that testing for me was a little strange because at that point we were dealing with so many behavioral things that I felt like the diagnosis came as a like here we'll give this to you so you can get extra support . But I sat in on the testing when she was six five or six and I honestly felt like they were just giving me a piece of paper so that we could get like mental wellness support in our household , and later we found out that she had a genetic disorder and so it all kind of came full circle and made a lot more sense later in life . But we didn't get that until last year , the start of last year , and so it's amazing how , when you start to understand the different nuances in the brains and how they operate , how things just honestly feel a little bit easier . I felt like almost , almost vindicated , for lack of a better term .
Speaker 1Oh , oh . It's not just me , it's not just this situation . There's actually these neuro pathways that aren't forming the way that you know and I know that we didn't didn't love this term , but a neurotypical brain would , would function . And so tell us a little bit more about how that like felt for you , because now you have your household of three and now you have two diagnosis and your , let's say , the odd man out .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know , it's kind of interesting because we know we talk about ADHD as a superpower . It is in a lot of ways , but it's also a disability and it's something that we had to kind of come to terms with . That this is a permanent thing , that we know how to , that we can learn how to deal with it , but it's not going to go away and it is something that is permanent . So when , when I'm looking at it from my perspective as the mom and I am very organized and very like I call myself a type A free spirit , because I'm talking about leaving for two months in the summer , as though I just pick up and go , you know that's planned for like eight months and it's like down to the minute . You know , and I've been saving for whatever time , and so for me it did explain why it's difficult for people in my household to organize and to plan ahead , for example , but it also feels like sometimes an extra burden on me , like well , now I know that it's hard for them , so I need to do more , which is something I've had to work on , because the answer is not I do more . The answer is , as a family , we do less or we restructure , because as mothers , as parents , we often feel like everything revolves around us right , and so there is a temptation for me to be the one that holds it all together . But it's interesting , I have anxiety and that's part of why I'm so productive and I plan ahead and all these things . So , again , it's like my superpower , but it's also something that really holds me back a lot of times .
Speaker 2But I know a lot of couples who one of them will have ADHD and one of them will have anxiety , and I think it's somewhat of a natural balance because my spouse can say you know what ? This really doesn't matter . It doesn't matter if this is perfect , it doesn't matter if this is planned well . We can just say no to that event , you know , whatever it is , yeah . So it is a nice balance , but I have to recognize that instead of being like well , I need to just arrange everything . What can I do within the relationship to make this work ? Because if you're talking about a partnership , if you're in a two-parent household , then there are ways to , I guess , rearrange .
Speaker 2I keep saying it's what it feels like and there are certain things that , from an executive function standpoint , are a lot easier for him , like things that are routine , and so I just sort of added I won't say I , but we sort of added some tasks to his daily list that I had because they're routine and he can do them . He does all the cleaning , I do all the tidying and organizing and my brain is really happy with that and his brain is really happy with that . But that was one of those things that , like , the house still has to get clean , like we can't have clutter everywhere or we lose the homework or we lose all the things . Yeah , it was just a matter of coming sort of to terms with that and I do feel like sometimes they're speaking a language I don't understand .
Speaker 2One of the things I love about ADHD is the creativity . The other night we were talking about gingerbread houses and the two of them just went off for like 10 minutes about the different kinds of gingerbread houses we could make , and we could make a Barbie one and a Star Wars one and a you know whatever else . So I'm just over here laughing but at the same time feeling a bit left out because my brain is thinking well , I'm going to need to go to Target to get these supplies and then I'm going to need to block it off on the calendar . And then I was like you know what , just go with it , like it's just fun , fun .
Speaker 1Yeah , this is just fun , yeah , and I fall into that . I think a lot of moms you hit the nail on the head Like we're like this superhero that has to do , be and have everything and organize the schedules and make sure all of the kids have their homework and make sure the house is running efficiently and all of the stuff , and you know it's really . I love that you call it a superpower . We've always told her daughter that she has superpowers too , and it's interesting when you learn how to harness it as a superpower instead of a disability , how everything can kind of just line up synergistically . So I love that you guys have , you know , your own superpowers that you bring to the table and have figured out a way to make that work for your home .
Speaker 1I think that's incredible and something that you can speak to as an executive functioning coach right , that's a skill set that you now can bring into your business and speak from experience , so really powerful tool that you can share with others as they are navigating . You know , getting started in adulthood , which is a whole other can of worms .
Speaker 2Yeah , and because I work with young adults primarily in the community college system in the US is it starts as young as 15 , because we have what we call dual credit students , who are going to high school and the first couple of years of college at the same time , and then I have students all the way up through 60 or 70 . So I have a really wide range . But as they're entering adulthood , these sort of young adults I'll say you know , primarily 15 to 23 , we're seeing a lot of difficulty with task initiation , with asking for help in appropriate ways , and these kind of things that make you successful in school and in life can be really difficult , either because of the way your brain works or the way you were raised , or because you had two years of COVID school or whatever it is . So that's why I focus on these executive functions and I try to break them down and show people this is why you do what you do and this is how we can tackle it .
Speaker 1I think that that's really cool , something that I could probably use a little bit more of in my life .
Speaker 2We all can . Yes , we're all works in progress .
Speaker 1I totally agree . If there is one thing like either as an executive functioning coach or a parent with a daughter with ADHD , what would you say is the most important tool that you've learned over the last couple of years ?
Speaker 2I think it's being flexible . Mental flexibility is actually a whole category of executive functioning . It helps me to know like I'm working on my executive function as well . One thing that we've learned with ADHD is that we'll have a system in place that works really well . We've got a yellow post-it note on the mirror reminding my daughter to do something , and she's put it up there or whatever . Then after about two weeks her brain doesn't see it anymore . We have to have a new system
.
Speaker 2I'll get really proud of myself for like , oh , we found something that works . It works so well . I'll share it with people . And then it's like well , it doesn't work anymore . That's okay being flexible , and we try to make a game of it and we try to problem solve together , which goes back to what I was saying about rearranging things is , how can you problem solve together ?
Speaker 2I'll say to her okay , the yellow post-it note's not working . What other ideas do we have ? Then we'll gamify whatever I can in both of my classroom and in my coaching and in my home life . We'll try to put some rewards in there that maybe they're X-trans egg , maybe they're just something that something's fun that we can do together as a family . At the end of the day or the week , that kind of thing , making things lighthearted when you can , because people respond better to positive than they do to negative . Fear-based motivation doesn't last very long , but intrinsic motivation or the carrot of something fun is really helpful , particularly , I think , for anybody , but particularly for neurodivergent folks . You need the dopamine being flexible with those systems and playing around with them .
Speaker 1I think that's really cool . I noticed that with my daughter too . We need to have some sort of reward system . There are certain moments where that fear-based we're like , no , this is a hard stop and she gets it . They tend to have more lasting effects when they know that there is , as you called it , the carrot at the end of the string . I love that you talked about flexibility . One of the big tools that we've been learning through my daughter's education is these two superheroes that we call super flex and rock brain . I don't know if this is a global education , but these two superheroes are awesome .
Speaker 1We really want to get out of our rock brain and into super flex so that we're not flipping that lid into our mammal brain .
Speaker 2That's interesting because one of the tools we've learned is kind of similar as that . We've all named our brains and given them a character , particularly when my daughter was very young , because it's difficult to understand . Explain to a seven-year-old well , your brain is flooded and this is what's happening . She came up with the idea that her brain is a puffer fish . When she gets frustrated she goes , puffs up . We'll say puffer fish is taking over . Tell puffer fish to calm down . It depersonalizes it a little bit . My brain is a dolphin because I like to swim around and take care of everyone and be curious and make sure that I'm looking outward . That's kind of a fun thing because then we can , like I said , depersonalize it . It's a good thing for small kids because it is hard to understand what's going on in your brain . All you know is you feel overwhelmed . What did you say ? Rock brain and super flex , super flex .
Speaker 1I love that . Yeah , they're a lot of fun . I love the idea of making it less personal having your brain named an animal or some sort of hypothetical creature , because I don't know if you've noticed this , but with ADHD brains in particular , they take everything so personally . There are times where we're just simply calmly talking with my daughter and it's just like an educational type conversation . All of a sudden , her reaction just goes from 0 to 100 and we're like what just happened ? We weren't even upset . There was no anger or frustration . It was just like hey , this is what's going on , let's talk about this . It was just like that brain that light switch has flipped and we are way up here and need to level the nervous system again . Sometimes my husband and I will just look at each other at a left field and relate I don't even understand what just happened . I thought we were having a solid conversation and it just it turns so quickly and so you know , and as a parent , that can feel very destabilizing .
Speaker 2Um , because , particularly if you think you're doing something good by having this great conversation with your kid and then all of a sudden they're , they're flipping out and then in that moment is not the time to be like you know . Well , we were just talking , you know , but , like you said , you got to stabilize the nervous system , bring everybody back down , talk when you're calm and and we've worked on having kind of code words like because she's , she's almost 11 now , so she can say I'm feeling flooded , or you know things like that that are just a signal to us to say , okay , we're all just going to take a breath . You know things like that .
Speaker 1That's so important and I I love that . I mean even for my youngest daughter , who's eight . I think using those , those keywords like flooded , that just I was like , oh , that that resonates with me . I think that would resonate with my youngest daughter , because there are moments where the whole house just turns upside down and you're just , you all just got to take a step back and like , whoa , right . So I appreciate
that . Is there any other advice that you'd love to give the listeners before we sign off today ?
Speaker 2Well , I think , when it comes to school success , it's important that you are open with your kids and you're curious with them , as they're being curious . So the more you can get to the point where you're just curious , no matter what your personality , the personality of your child is , is that you are learning alongside with them , because one thing that happens with school success is that students will get either totally disinterested or they'll get totally focused on the grades or you know something like that . So the more you can foster curiosity and the more you can foster connecting what sometimes , when you're learning something new , working memory is a part of executive function . So when you're learning something new , if you're not able to connect it to something you learned before , it can feel really daunting . So if your student is struggling to learn something new , whatever age they are , you can say oh remember , last year your teacher talked about this or we read this book , and then it helps . You know , make that not feel so overwhelming .
Speaker 1I love that too . That's really important , right and being invested in their education and being there as a support . Like I found that , especially with both my daughters but my oldest with ADHD for sure is that she can get really down on herself when she doesn't understand a concept , and so when we're able to understand what she's learning or just keep her curious and say it's okay , we don't know everything right off the bat , this is what schools for . We're here to all learn and you're going to be better at some things and understand some things better than other things that come your way . And you know , you don't have to be perfect at everything . I think I don't know about you , but especially when it comes to ADHD , I find that perfectionism seems to be like a very key trait and they get very stuck on that . So I think it's really important that you you know , like you said , you don't necessarily just focus on the grades . It's making sure that they're enjoying the learning experience and are curious about it .
Speaker 2So yeah , and that's , if you want a fun term . It's called perseveration . When the brain focuses on something you might have heard about hyper focus with ADHD , but perseveration is the negative form of that . When a toddler might say I want candy , I want candy , I want candy , and you've said no 17 times , an ADHD brain might do the same thing at whatever age , and they'll perseverate on I have to get this right , I have to get this right , I have to get this right .
Speaker 2And so it's a matter of finding the right tricks for your child to help them get out of that , and it could be keywords , it could be physical reminders like a timer , it could be some kind of a reward when you get to a level . I don't like video games , but I do like that they're level based and that you get rewards at every level , and so you can break things down and say , okay , sciences has been a challenge this week , so we're going to set a reward after you do this worksheet and that's all we're going to do today and help them stop perseverating on . I have to do this entire thing all at once , or else because it's not true , but it feels true to them .
Speaker 1Yeah , and that's a big thing , right , I don't want to say almost like a disconnect between reality , but that feeling , that pressure of like it has to be done and it has to be done right now . There isn't like my daughter really struggles with . You know , the concept of things can be drawn out over time or you know it has to be immediate , like I've stopped even mentioning things sometimes , like if there's something in the future that we're going to look forward to , it's like I'm not even going to tell her until the night before when she's going to bed , because otherwise we're so stuck on the fact that it's not right the second for the rest of the week , you know . So using tools like that to help navigate the home life has been really beneficial in my home .
Speaker 2Yeah because time blindness is a huge thing where and that could be well , I think this task is going to take five minutes , but actually it takes an hour , or vice versa . And then it can also apply to events coming up , which is why you get kids asking when's the pool open ? And it's December , you know . So there are some ways to sort of gently help them understand time . Calendars are a big deal for us , like big wall calendars , like we'll put them on , you'll put a date on something so that they can count up the actual days and make it visual . But yeah , it's tough because our adult brains are like , well , that's two months away , like why are we freaking out ? But it's not how it works to kid brain in particular .
Speaker 1I know I think it's funny and you know I'll joke about this now , but there are times where , like my daughter , I'm like yeah , we're doing that tomorrow and she's like that's like 24,000 hours and I'm like , no , it's not , but it's okay . Might feel like that , right , this second Wonderful Well , thank you so much for bringing all of your insight and your experience here , Lauren . I've really enjoyed our chat today . Thank you , all the listeners , for tuning in to today's episode , where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time .