Hey , hey , everyone , welcome back to Conquering Chaos . I'm your host , sydney Crowe , and today we have Brooke Pecos . She is a trauma healing coach , a rapid transformational therapist , rtt , and an MLP practitioner . Brooke specializes in empowering survivors to rewrite their stories . Her personal path , a testament to overcoming indoctrination , abuse and toxic bonds , ignites her profound insight and unshakable dedication . She is a sought after speaker , bestselling author and a fervent advocate against religious abuse and domestic violence . Brooke's voice resonates far beyond the confines of her coaching practice . With Brooke as your ally , embrace a voyage of transformative healing , armed with potent tools , nurturing guidance and profound revelations . She is soul aligned . She's drawing on soul aligned relationships that foster your truest self . Welcome , brooke .
Speaker 2Thank you so much for having me . I'm excited to have this conversation .
Speaker 1Me too , so we were just kind of chatting ahead of time . And you have had quite a journey over the course of your life to get you to where you are now , with all of your certifications and your coaching practice and just even your motherhood journey . So why don't you fill the listeners in a little bit about your backstory ?
Speaker 2Yeah , of course .
Speaker 1I would love to .
Speaker 2So my journey really starts obviously from childhood . I was raised in a cult , so that's why I talk a lot about religious abuse , and in this dynamic it was you had to perform , you had to act a certain way . You couldn't , you didn't have the openness to like really experience life or understand what your belief system was . You were told who you had to be and that was the way it was . At home too .
Speaker 2I was raised by a narcissistic abuse of father . So I saw this dynamic between my parents where it was very toxic . I saw my mom just have to be very submissive and had to do as she was told . And so I ended up getting trapped in that same type of scenario in my own marriage for 17 years , because I just thought that's the way love was supposed to feel like and I didn't know anything else . And so in that experience of , you know , being a survivor of domestic violence and experiencing life , never feeling enough I had that as a childhood I then still felt that in my marriage I recognized something wasn't right .
Speaker 2Eventually I kind of woke up one day and I said something's not right here and I started to get curious . And you know , I went down this path of understanding what narcissistic abuse was and learning more about it and recognizing that's the type of relationship I was in . And then I was like , oh my gosh , I got a break free . And so I broke free from the relationship and I also left the cult . At the exact same time , I decided to go real big .
Speaker 2I was living my whole identity and any type of safety , and go out into this world and try to figure out what I do next . And in that experience I recognized I needed to go and heal . Something wasn't right . I started to . I needed to go to therapy , and that's where that journey really began for me .
Speaker 1That is an incredible story , and I mean to just wake up one day and say I'm just gonna blow up my whole life , basically , and I'm like this is you know , none of what is happening to me right now is okay or right . I am , you know , going all in on this . That must have been really scary and empowering at the same time .
Speaker 2Yeah , it was both , I think , more scary than empowering . At the time , I didn't really know what was gonna be next . I just kind of leaped and took a jump and I said okay , I guess this is what I'm doing , this is where I'm going . I don't really know where that's headed , you know , and for a while , though , I did things where I kind of avoided .
Speaker 2I was doing the therapy , but I was also kind of avoiding actually doing the deeper healing . I was still kind of numbing myself out , dissociating , using you know , unhealthy mechanisms to kind of cope , but that's just where I was at the time . But as I did more deeper healing , I recognized that this was my purpose . My purpose was to help women that have been in , you know , in these type of religious abuse of dynamics , have been abused , have been in relationships that have hurt them and made them feel less than and really disempowered them , to come back to themselves , to find their most authentic self . Because that's the journey that I took , and so I just said okay , this is my purpose , I'm gonna listen to the calling and I'm gonna do it ?
Speaker 1Yeah , that's amazing . And so when you look back , what would you say the key factor was for you , like , was there something that really was just like this ? Is it ? This is the key piece that I really needed to , like , do the deep work and do the healing , or was it like a bunch of gradual little things over time ?
Speaker 2So I think the key piece was I started to see that I was choosing relationships that did not serve me .
Speaker 2I was still choosing the same type of abusive partner narcissistic . They were self-serving , they didn't really care about me , it was all about them and what I could give them and it was never about me , it was never about this like mutual relationship . And I started to see this pattern and it was like I kind of had to like get hit upside the head a few times with like some really you know , some doozies of relationships of really . And then I was like , okay , this is like this is the factor of me seeing that I need to do some deeper healing and see these patterns as something that I need to break . And as soon as I kind of stepped into that , that's when I started to recognize why I was choosing the partners that I did . I was subconsciously seeking the familiar type of partner that I was used to .
Speaker 2I was used to the selfish , self-serving , you know narcissist that didn't care about anybody but itself , right at the end of the day . And so I started to break those patterns and say , okay , it's time to to learn from those . And then I ended up getting in a relationship with a very healthy partner that was very conscious of his , his , his self , and can you could communicate clearly , and I started to be doing deeper healing because he kind of triggered me to kind of see what things I needed to heal from and in wounds I needed to to break free of .
Speaker 1I gave you that space probably to do that work right like that's . That's a key piece is like I find that a lot of women that I talked to and you get into the space , you maybe know the things that you need to do , but physically there's something happening where you need to fill that gap . And for me also , like I had a , an amazing partner we've been able to go like I've been with since I was 21 years old , but we are very different people now than we were when we started to date and I had to go on a healing journey and he allowed me that space to do that and to kind of grow with me in the process . And so if you don't have a partner , that gives you that space to do that work because when you go into that you are a very different person than when you come out the other side Completely it's transformational ?
Speaker 2clearly it really is . It's just you , I mean , I can't even . I look at the person or the version of me , you know , even from three years ago , and I'm like , I'm a completely different person today . But I had , you're right , I had to have the safe space to go and journey into that right , because I had never felt safe . I realized I had never felt safe in my body , I had never been in a safe relationship where I could be my most most authentic self . I was always having to put up walls and guard myself and be afraid of the next thing or the next person that was going to hurt me , right , and so there was a lot of fear that I had to step into and I think , you know , for a woman that is recognizing that maybe she's not feeling fulfilled or she's in a relationship that is not giving her what she needs , you know to get curious about those things and question , you know , ask the questions to yourself rather than just saying and justifying . You know , why do I stay ?
Speaker 1Yeah , absolutely , and I think a lot of people end up justifying it because they are afraid of the other side , like they don't really know what's out there and what that safe place can actually look like for them . So it can be a more fear based like your brain is trying to keep you safe . So it's like , well , I don't know that , like your brain will keep you in a unfamiliar or a familiar hell versus a unfamiliar heaven , because that's what you're familiar with , that's what feels safe to you in those moments , even if it's not necessarily a safe environment . So you obviously had your kids through this whole journey being a parent . How did that impact your mothering , your motherhood and parenting them ?
Speaker 2Yeah , so I love to talk about this because I love to give awareness . For , you know , because of my journey at recognizing , looking back in the past , seeing how I was in survival mode you know , obviously , when you're in an abusive environment and relationship and you are not really truly like being able to thrive , and as a parent , it was like I was there , I was able to take care of my kids needs , I was able to be a good mom , but I was also emotionally disconnected . I was emotionally disconnected from myself and my own emotions , because that's what I needed to do in order to survive my environment right , ever since I was a child , and so I had done that , the same , so I wasn't really feeling like I , you know , gave space enough for my kids to be able to experience their emotions or be able to connect with them in that way . So I look back and I you know I can't I always used to go into the guilt and shame oh my God , I should have been a better mom . You know we always have this mom guilt . But I'm recognizing I was at where I was at at that time of my life .
Speaker 2I did the best I could , but now it's like giving , being able to give everybody the opportunity to see that , okay , if you are in survival mode , we're not going to be able to one , be emotionally regulated in our bodies as parents and , two , we're not going to be able to hold space for our kids to experience their emotions . We're going to go into either anxiety or get extremely stressed out by our kids emotions because we're like I have no idea what to do with this , I have no idea how to help you right now , and so I think that's a huge piece that really we kind of have to be able to identify . And , being a mom now and doing all this healing work , I really want my kids to be and be able to say , okay , I have a safe space here . Like , let's go into your emotions , what ?
Speaker 1are you feeling ?
Speaker 2right now . I believe that we have the opportunity to give our kids a safe space , to be able to connect to their emotions and not make them feel guilty or shame or like why are you having that emotion ? Oh , just be quiet or sit still , or , you know , it's more like letting them really be able to feel like they can express themselves . I feel very passionate about that , you know , because as I healed , I connected with my emotions that I had disconnected from in order to survive and protect myself , and so the more connected I felt emotionally , I was able to build space for my children as well . And I think there's something to be said .
Speaker 2You know , as moms , we know we're overwhelmed , we're working , we're , you know we're doing all of the things a lot of the times right , and we can feel like it's easy for us , as moms , to get this regulated because we feel like we're like . You know , our kids are bombarding us , life is bombarding us and we're just like trying to manage right , but knowing that it's okay to take care of yourself . Find the spaces where you can take care of yourself first , so that you can come emotionally more regulated with your kids , so that you can hold that safe space for them , so that you can allow for that experience as well for them .
Speaker 1Yeah , and I mean it's so important , and you are a mom of two boys who are getting a little bit older , right
? And so there is this stigma that the world has created around men and their emotions , and you wrote a book called the Grief Monster , right ? So why don't you tell the listeners a little bit about what that was all about ? Because I know that that kind of stemmed from you , know , helping your kids with their emotions .
Speaker 2Yes , exactly so . My boys lost their father in 2020 . And when that experienced , you know , I went through a lot of grief as well , but I saw them through their grief and I just realized what a difficult emotion grief was , and I started to see that . You know , I started to look for books because my littlest guy was young he was only seven years old at the time and so it was more of like looking at , ok , how there's not a lot of books out there about grief . I was finding it really hard to find , like for his age , you know , group or something that could help him kind of explain this experience of having to sit with this really , really deep sadness . And so that's where the Grief Monster was born . I just wrote it one day and I knew that it was like it came from this place in my heart that I wanted children to be able to , with loss , understand . Oh , it's OK if I have this grief monster and that's OK . I can sit with this grief . I can sit with this sadness . I don't have to avoid it .
Speaker 1I actually feel better when I do sit with my grief .
Speaker 2You know that kind of experience , speaking to that emotional part of us that is experiencing this deep , deep loss and helping children kind of understand it a little bit better , because the concept of death , especially at a young age like that , is they haven't experienced it usually and when they do experience they're like what do I do with this really horrible feeling ?
Speaker 1Yeah , absolutely . I mean my daughters and I just recently lost my father , and so I wholeheartedly understand and appreciate this book . I can't wait to go out and get my own coffee and go through this with my kids , because it is . It's like grief is such a roller coaster of emotions , like , and you process and you think that you're OK , and then maybe a song comes on the radio or a picture or a memory comes up and it just is like this wave and , as a parent , as you're dealing with your own grief and you're trying to navigate that all yourself and then navigating that roller coaster that your kids are on , they're not always like .
Speaker 1It's not like you're in the same roller coaster and riding it together . It's like , yeah , everybody's going this way and that way and it can be really , really hard , and so I just appreciate that you went through that and were able to turn something so positive out of it . We'll make sure to put a link for the book in the show notes for listeners if they have their own journey that they're going through and need that support . Tell us a little bit more about your coaching and how you help moms and all of that .
Speaker 2Yeah , of course . Obviously , my coaching is really helping empower the woman that's lost connection with her true self or her authenticity of where she wants to go with her life , for a purpose , her passion . All the times we've , as women , suppressed our needs and our wants , either through relationship or being told that we had to conform to society expectations . And I find that this is why I do this work is to say it's not just for women of abuse , it's for women that have lost those connections to themselves because it's like we've lived a life for someone else or something else and then we didn't really allow our truest expression to be birthed into the world because we were doing it all for something else or someone else . And that's why I love to give women that power , give their power back and help them see more clearly and have that clarity .
Speaker 1I love that . I mean and it is it's a lot of women , especially in our generation . We were taught to be the good girl , so you're be quiet . We don't really talk about these kind of things outside of the home or whatever that situation is . It can be really hard to peel those layers of the onion back and do the deep work that you need to do so that you can show up for your best self .
Speaker 1And I am a very , very firm believer . I mean I do this in my own coaching practice . Where it is there's a reason why they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first when the plane is going down . You need to make sure that you are in fine form so that you can help those around you . And I wholeheartedly know that when I am feeling worn out , when I'm feeling depleted , when I haven't done enough of my journaling and my self-care work , my kids get the shorter end of the stick . So it is very , very important on the parenting journey to not only exemplify how to do that self-care work and to pour into yourself and make sure that you're taken care of , but also be able to show up as your best self and have that power that you talked about , yeah , Moving into . Is there anything , any main piece of advice that you would love to give moms ? Is there one piece that just stands out for you above all outs For ?
Speaker 2moms in particular . I would say you know what ? Get rid of the guilt .
Speaker 2Get rid of the guilt as much as you possibly can .
Speaker 2It's always going to creep up , right , but at any given time , as a mom , you're always doing the best that you can every moment and just recognize in that moment , if you're showing up , present in the best version of yourself , it's perfect , right , it's already perfect and you're giving your kids the space to feel loved , be validated and seen and heard .
That's the biggest piece of just getting rid of like you're doing it all right and just kind of giving yourself that compassion and that grace as this mom that feels like , oh my gosh , I'm never showing up as enough as a mom , or I felt like I had to deal with a lot of those things . Oh , I didn't do it , I could have done better in the past when it was all dysregulated and messed up and feeling broken . Yeah , just knowing that the more compassion you give to yourself , the more that you're going to feel like OK , yeah , as long as I'm giving my kids my best version of me right now , in this moment , I'm OK , like I'm doing a great job .
Speaker 1Yeah , no , I love that so much and you kind of touched on that earlier when you were talking about how you were doing the best that you could with what you had in those moments , and that is it's really important to allow yourself that grace to say , hey , this is what I did in this moment , and now that I'm beyond that I can do better , which is fantastic . But in those moments it's not worth beating yourself up or kicking yourself while you're down and just kind of replaying those scenarios . So I really appreciate that piece of advice . I just really appreciate getting to know you . Our connection has been brief , but I absolutely find so much value in our conversation today , personally and professionally . So thank you for being here and thank you , guys for tuning in to Conquering Chaos , where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time .