Welcome back to Conquering Chaos a mum's guide to self-care and sanity . I'm your host , sydney Crow , and today we have the amazing Paula Lawrence from the UK . Welcome , paula .
Speaker 2Hello , thank you so much for having me your first podcast of 2024 .
Speaker 1Yes , well , first recording , for sure , this is going to air a little bit down the road , but I'm so excited to have you here today .
Speaker 1You guys , paula is a mom of four . They range from four until 13 . So she's in like the teen years . She's also still in the toddler years . She is a parent coach and a youth mentor . And , paula , why don't you just take over right now and tell the listeners what you do ? Because the way that you shared your passion with me prior to this call . It's so beautiful what you're able to do for these families in a holistic way . So I'm going to pass the mic over to you and you can fill the listeners in .
Speaker 2Of course . Well , first I started working with young girls because many , many moons ago I used to be a dance teacher and I had a dance group , a dance company , and I was sort of not just a dance teacher , I was like a mentor to these young girls and all the things that they go through , you know , adolescence , teenage years . So then when I had my girls , I noticed a change in them when they reached about nine to ten years old . So I looked for resources to try and help them . And that's when I started working with young girls , because I wanted to help my girls .
Speaker 2But then all the things I was learning , I thought wouldn't it be amazing if all the girls in my community had access to these tools to build their resilience or self-confidence ? They're , you know , just showing up as their best self in this world . How amazing would it be to teach them this from as young as possible ? So I started off with that , doing workshops in a sort of local community , and then I went into parent coaching again , looking for resources for myself , for myself and my family , and and I thought how amazing would be to be able to help other mums and other parents who are struggling with sort of everyday parenting challenges . So I thought , yes , that sounds exactly like I would love to help parents do that , and so I got certified . So now I sort of work with young girls building their self-confidence , but also empowering the parents that raise them , so that we're working with a whole family . And , as corny as it sounds , I really believe that you know how we raise our children , makes them empowered , and if we're empowered and that's how we change the world .
Speaker 1I love that so much and I wholeheartedly agree Like there was a reason why we became aligned and connected because , as a mom of two girls who are going on nine and 11 in a couple months , it's like just listening to you talk about how , what you're able to do for these girls , like I need you .
Speaker 2Hello .
Speaker 1Come on , it is a whole different ball game once they start to like have those hormones going through their body and all of these changes with their physical appearance , but also the mental load of all of that . Right Like you go from being super happy one minute to crying the next minute and you're not really too sure why . I mean the amount of times I've talked to my oldest and been like what , why are you so upset right now , like let's , let's talk about this , let's get to the bottom of this ? And she's like I just don't even know , okay , no . And then you're just sitting there going like as a parent , like okay , like I want to help you , but like I'm here , let's hold hands .
Speaker 2I don't know that's it isn't . It is helping them have that language , because a lot of them don't have the language to say exactly what's wrong , because they really don't know . They just know that they feel sad or they feel bad or they feel something's made them feel icky or they don't know how the language to sort of tell us what it is . And it's hard to know how to help them . So you're sort of while going well , I'm here if you need me . And I don't know about your daughter , but my daughter kind of rolls her eyes when I say that like okay , you're there yeah what are you gonna ?
Speaker 1do . I think if my daughter could figure out a way to get her eyes to permanently stick like that , she would , because they're they're just up there all the time when I'm running . So tell me a little bit about your coaching program and how do you work with the girls like what does that look like ?
Speaker 2Mainly we do community workshops and then I have a small group that I work with . So I work with about maximum , about 15 . So I want it to be a group , but also a small group that's intimate enough so that , you know , we can sort of get to know each other . The sort of more introverted , quieter girls don't get lost in a group that they would do at school . So I keep it relatively small and we make it fun . That's the main thing , so it's not just like being in another class . So we do things like drama and dance and role play discussions , so each workshop focuses on a different sort of topic . So we have things like identity , body image , self-confidence , friendships . That's a big one because there's always some sort of friendship , drama , drama . But then I also want it to be not just social skills .
Speaker 2So we move into a bit of educational entrepreneurship . So we do like a girlpreneur workshop , which is where they kind of come up with their own business ideas and they do like a mock pitch to investors and they come up with a logo , a company name . So just things to just get them thinking about the future and opening up their avenue and their imagination about what they can do in this day and age , because I think a lot of young people nowadays look at influencers on Instagram and Facebook and all that and TikTok and they think maybe I can just be an influencer . But it's more than just getting in front of the camera and taking pictures and recording content . There's marketing , you have to know business , you have to know budgeting , and so letting them know that there's more to that , it's being an entrepreneur is not just smiling for the camera . There's a whole business behind it and that's what you've got to learn to be successful at that . So we try to kind of incorporate all that into it .
Speaker 2But the main thing that we wanted to take away from the workshops is that they are unique and their uniqueness is what makes them special . So and really really holding on to that power that they have , that's already inside them . Because one thing I noticed is I think we all kind of suffer from it where we look outside of ourselves to fix whatever we think it's wrong , when everything we ever need is already inside us , but we don't think that it is , you know . So it's just revealing that to them , saying look in the mirror , what you're looking for is right there , you already have it , but is this buried ? So we're just trying to uncover it for them . So that's what we do .
Speaker 1I'm like I'm just in awe of this because I think it's so beautiful . I mean , we're coming from a generation where people kind of told us that we had to check all these boxes , right , that's what you had to do to be successful . And I think that's where this like outward thinking kind of comes from , because we were like we were told we had to go to school and get the good job and get married and have kids and you know , then you have this picture perfect life . But it doesn't always . You don't always get to that point and realize like , feel like I've made it right . Yeah , I got to that point and I was like , sure , from the outside life looks really great , but like inside I was really struggling and I hadn't learned those skills on how to look inward , right , so it was definitely something I had to do in later in life .
Speaker 1And I think it's so important and so powerful that you are teaching this younger generation that it starts with you and you can build on that right . Whatever your passion is , whatever you're you figure that you're good at and you want to do even if it is influencer stuff . But sure , let's , let's learn the business aspect as well , right ? So it is so incredible what you're doing . I think it is very , very powerful and it obviously stemmed from your own motherhood experiences . So tell me now running this business , working with the youth .
Speaker 1So tell me now running this business , working with the youth , raising kids who are varying in ages in your house . How does that weigh on your mental load ? Like , what do you do to kind of balance all of that chaos , because it sounds like your plate is very full ? Yeah so why don't you tell the listeners a little bit about you and like how do you manage all of that and how do you conquer the chaos ?
Speaker 2well , I conquer it by embracing it . I just say you know what that's life , this is how life is . I'm never gonna have an extended period of downtime for now , down the line , yes . So I kind of embrace it and I just say you know what that's , that's what it is . I work till late in the night . That's just how my life is . So there's a level of acceptance , because I always say what you don't accept , you're always going to be fighting against , and that creates resistance and resistance just makes life harder . So first accept what it is . So that is what I do .
Speaker 2And one thing I will say that I have noticed is when I started the parent coaching as I'm giving these mums amazing advice this is what we do , you can do it , and I'll come home and I'll have the worst day with my child and I'm trying to coach myself . It's almost as if , you know , the universe knows that I'm doing this work and wants to retest the heck out of me and I'm going , but why ? Yes , it's like I looked at my cousin . I said did you get the memo that I was doing this work ? And you said you're gonna amp up your behavior so that I really got a lot of practice , you know . So it did seem as if , um , everything magnified when I was doing the work and I really had to work on my self-forgiveness and really telling myself that I'm also doing the best I can . You know , and if I have a bad day , the same way I tell my clients , if I have a bad day , I repair with my children , I forgive myself , we and we move on and we do the next thing we need to do . You know , it's not dwelling on the past , because you know I am
doing the best I can .
Speaker 2I have to keep reminding myself that and just because I do this work , it doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect . Even to my clients I say you can come for coaching and you can be the best parent that you could possibly be , and your child , as an adult , might still say this thing happened and it made me this way . But you know , really we need to change what the idea of successful parenting is and really I think that a lot of it has to do with how you behave . Can you sit and say I parented with integrity . I I , you know , stuck to my values . You know , I imparted all the wisdom I had . I did the best I could for my children . Nobody is perfect . So it's , at the end of the day , knowing that at the end of the day you're raising human beings , they're not robots . So you're not going to say , if I put in ABC , I'm going to get you know the same back . You know , but it's all about you .
Speaker 2You know , I always say my parent coaching is parent centric . So you work on yourself . We don't come to fix our children , we fix ourselves . We do the work , we do the best we can and then in a way you kind of hope for the best with your children . But you can never go wrong , I believe , with empathy and love and support and kindness . You can't go wrong with it , even if it looks wrong in society's eyes . You've given love and empathy and kindness so you can sit and say know what ? I did the best I could for them and then you you send them out into the world and hope that they replicate the love , the kindness , the empathy in their walks of life . And that's all we can do . Nobody's a hundred percent .
Speaker 2So that's how I kind of keep my self calm , my mental health and , to be honest with you , even though I don't get a lot of downtime because I love what I do so much . It makes me it . I feel like a human being when I'm doing it . I'm not just mum although there's nothing wrong with just being a mum but I feel like I'm doing . I'm doing something that's giving back to the world . I'm seeing joy in people's faces . So I I like to work because I feel like for so long I was kind of , I gave a lot to my kids I felt when they were little . You know I to the detriment of myself , which I wouldn't do again but I feel like I'm getting myself back and this is part of it . So that is how I that is part of my self-care is making sure that I'm following my ambitions , and while I'm doing that , I'm setting my children a great example of . You can follow your ambitions too .
Speaker 1Yeah , I think that's really beautiful and I can relate to that so much because my kids were , oh , I want to say like seven and five , six and eight when I started , you know , finding the world of personal development and coaching and I was like where has this been all my life ? Because prior to this I was really struggling . I was like , is there a refund on adulting ? Like I really don't want to do it anymore . Right , like I love my kids , but this is not what I thought it was going to be . And , like you said , like you kind of find yourself again and when you can wake up every day knowing that you're leaving that lasting impact and you're seeing that in the girls that you're working with and the families that you're working with like .
Speaker 1it doesn't really feel like work , so I can relate to all of that .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And then , yeah , the redefining what successful parenting is . When you said that , that was like a huge light bulb moment for me , because I think that's really what it comes down to . You know , we we hear a lot . I feel like there's this like popular phrase and not to discredit it , but like this generational healing , and I feel like that , for a certain point , like all of the generations prior to us , have done the best that they could with what they had , and now we know a little bit more , so we do a little bit better . And you know , if we can impact our kids so that they don't have to reverse these things that they learned , you know , as they grew into young adulthood , then maybe they'll be better off for it and maybe we can leave that like lasting legacy for them where you know they do feel like there isn't anything , that , oh , this happened , and you know that's why I'm this way right thing , that , oh , this happened and you know that's why I'm this way right , and so I think that's really important .
Speaker 1So really , um , I love that . Is there any lasting um advice or last things that you would like to mention to the listeners who are , who are out there ?
Speaker 2I always say that you've got to give yourself a break . Sometimes . You know , as long as you have committed to doing the best you can I say this to my kids all the time you know if you did your best you can . I say this to my kids all the time you know if you did your best you can in an exam and all you got was 70 percent or whatever . Well , that was the best you could do . And some you know and we accept that .
Speaker 2Obviously it's accepting yourself how you are , whilst also striving to be the best that you can be . It's like a little dance that you that you do , because you can't always feel like you're not good enough . You've got to feel like you know what , I am enough regardless , but hey , let me try and get a get up here . And that goes for anything you do in parenting , in your career , raising children , anything you do , you know . Give yourself a little bit of grace while striving for more , because you don't do yourself any good by putting yourself down and saying this is you're down here . You've always got to lift yourself up , because people are going to kind of see that in you and act accordingly to you . So again , it all comes back to you and what you've got inside , and that's just one of my big things inside and that that's just one of my big things .
Speaker 1It's all down to you , yeah , giving yourself grace . It's a huge piece of self-care . I think that again , our generation didn't really have that like internal look within . It was always what can you do ? How , how well can you do on that test ? How far can you achieve ? Like what ? What level of education do have ?
Speaker 1It was just always going for the next thing so that you could check the next box , and I think that's a really , really important lesson to just have a little grace , always keep striving for better , but you know , loving yourself where you're at is so important . So , thank you so much for being here , paula . I am so grateful that we were able to connect . Thank you , listeners , for tuning in to today's episode , where we help you conquer the chaos , one day at a time .